#idk it's so jarring. esp when it's close to home

[moe-broey]

"An awkward gesture" like yeah. And that group of guys who gathered around in Portland ME in full Nazi paraphernalia on April 1st that one year were just joking. Right.

[benperorsolo]

Do you have any songs that remind you of Ben? Or Reylo? Most of the playlists I've come across are for Kylo and it's just metal. Which I don't think matches him at all!

I have a Ben playlist that’s nearly 13 hours long and a reylo one that’s about 12 hours. They’ve both been curated since early 2016 and I still add to them. I keep meaning to upload a “final” canonical playlist (the Ben one started as a fic playlist for my redemption fic back in Ye Olden TFA Days) but it’s just so damn big. Since you probably don’t want 25 hours of music(?), here’s...idk a selection of them under the cut.

some ben songs:

Flares — The Script

Did you lose what won't return? Did you love but never learn? The fire's out but still it burns And no one cares, there's no one there

But did you see the flares in the sky? Were you blinded by the light?

I’ll Be Good  — James Young 

Grace is just weakness Or so I've been told I've been cold, I've been merciless But the blood on my hands scares me to death Maybe I'm waking up today

I'll be good, I'll be good And I'll love the world, like I should

CASTLE OF GLASS (esp the acoustic version)  — Linkin Park

Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass Hardly anything there for you to see

Nobody Can Save Me  — Linkin Park

So tell me it's alright, tell me I'm forgiven If only I can save me now I'm holding up a light Chasing up the darkness inside And I don't wanna let you down But only I can save me

(Un)lost  — The Maine 

Unaware of where I'm going Or if I'm going anywhere at all I'm not looking to be found Just want to feel (un) lost

Outrunning Karma  — Alec Benjamin 

He's never gonna make it, all the Poor people he's forsaken (karma) Is always gonna chase him for his lies

Saul to Paul  — Red Jumpsuit Apparatus 

For all the times I looked into your eyes and said you lie Oh, I'm sorry For all the times I looked into the sky and said I hated you I'm sorry, God forgive me

Oh, Lord please help me change From Saul to Paul Before it's too late (before it's too late)

Gabriel  — Bear’s Den

It's a part of me, Gabriel, I wish I could deny  The face that I can barely recognize  He lives inside of me every day of my life  And I can hear him, screaming in the night 

Is this all I am? And all I ever was? All that he has won is all that I have lost  Won't you hear me out, Gabriel? Can't you see the shape I'm in? Just don't leave me alone 

The Only Fire  — Motherfolk

Taught to fear my God Then that fear became a cancer And I take medicine to destroy the sin But I know, in the end it's killing me

With my heart in my hands I am ready again I am a broken man, I am

Let It Burn  — Red

I watch the city burn These dreams like ashes float away

How long can you stand the pain How long will you hide your face How long will you be afraid Are you afraid? How long will you play this game Will you fight or will you walk away How long will you let it burn Let it burn (let it burn)

Black Eyes — Radical Face

When you last left me my blood was in a jar And you kept it on your mantelpiece I couldn't count on anyone to stand there behind me And keep the dogs from dragging me off with them While I slept you crept in and pulled the rug right out from under me Then the rain stole away and took the parts that kept me functioning

Welcome Home, Son  — Radical Face

Peel the scars from off my back I don't need them anymore You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars I've come home

Great Divide  — Ira Wolf 

I wish I could take the hands of time and turn them in reverse I'd take back every long goodbye with venom in my words The only way to be being found is getting lost at first But all I find are more bridges to burn

So am I too far gone To be running home Cause I'm longing tonight To be somewhere 'cross that great divide

Dear Wormwood   — The Oh Hellos

When I was a child I didn't hear a single word you said Things I was afraid of they were all confined beneath my bed The years have been long, and you have taught me well to hide away The things that I believe in You’ve taught me to call them all escapes

There before the flesh I saw a brighter world beyond myself In my hour of weakness you were there to see my courage fail The years have been long and you have taught me well to sit and wait Planning without acting Steadily becoming what I hate  

The Driver  —Bastille

Shout out from the bottom of my lungs A plague on both your houses This thing It's a family affair It's drawing out my weakness

Failure — Breaking Benjamin 

Tired of feeling lost, tired of letting go Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down Tired of wasting breath, tired of nothing left Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down

Ashes of Eden  — Breaking Benjamin 

Will the faithful be rewarded When we come to the end Will I miss the final warning From the lie that I have lived

Will the darkness fall upon me When the air is growing thin Will the light begin to pull me To its everlasting will 

Some reylo songs:

Halo — Beyonce

It's like I've been awakened Every rule I had you breaking It's the risk that I'm taking I ain't never gonna shut you outEverywhere I'm looking now I'm surrounded by your embrace Baby, I can see your halo You know you're my saving grace

Just My Soul Responding  — Amber Run

Oh, and I wanna be here when morning comes When the stars in the sky fade into one Oh, and I wanna be here when times are hard When the beating of your heart is like a drum But every day I found new ways to hurt you And every day we took our sides

Reminder  — Mumford & Sons 

A constant reminder of where I can find her A light that might give up the way Is all that I'm asking for Without her I'm lost Oh my love don't fade away

I Will Follow You Into the Dark  — Death Cab for Cutie 

Love of mine, someday you will die But I'll be close behind and I'll follow you into the dark No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark

My One Safe Place  — Andrew Peterson

You're my oasis The eye of the hurricane One look at your face is all I need to remember my name So I run away home (yes I run away home to you) I was an orphan caught in a thunderstorm You open the door and welcome me into your arms So I run away home Yes I run away home to you

Save Yourself  — My Darkest Days (this is really more of a Ben POV song, so it’s like the angsty woe is me I’m a monster you shouldn’t be with me song)

I'm the devil's son, straight out of hell And you're an angel with a haunted heart If you're smart you'd run and protect yourself From the demon living in the dark There's nothing to be gained, 'cause I can never change And you can never understand my sickness (I'll never understand my sickness)

Never Giving Up On You  — Of Mice & Men

You hit the wall, lost it all And I'll find a way to wake you from this bed you've made Even though I know you want me to I'm never giving up on you

Little Light  — Lewis Watson

And all my days were young and wasted When I was waiting, oh for you And all the plans that I've been chasing are always fading But ever since I found you A little light is breaking through

Sinner  — Andy Grammer

I've been throwing stones, waiting by the river I've been on my own, praying like a sinner You've been gone too long, I'm waiting out the winter I've been on my knees, praying like, praying like a sinner Well you've built a city right in me And brick by brick and piece by piece And love in both your hands Try to make an honest man

Halo  — Starset 

I can see you running, running Every night from the same darkness It's coming, coming But you are not alone If you just say the word I'll be there by your side

Armor — Landon Austin

I'm not bullet proof when it comes to you Don't know what to say when you made me the enemy After the war is won There's always the next one I'm not bullet proof when it comes to you

Maybe I'll crash into you Maybe we would open these wounds We're only alive if we bruise So I lay down this armor

Not Alone — Red

And I'll be your hope when you feel like its over And I will pick you up when your whole world shatters And when you're finally in my arms Look up and see love has a face

I am with you I will carry you through it all I won't leave you I will catch you When you feel like letting go Cause you're not, you're not alone

Ghost (acoustic)  — Tilian 

Is it too late to go back down that road? Or take the backroads, we're not the same no Tell me I'm not dreaming again Our love is not a ghost, our love is not a ghost Could build a brand new home

Even When I’m Gone  — Quietdrive 

There's a light in my heart That can't be contained You knew right from the start That there's no one here to blame

So send me off with your love, I'll fly like a dove into the sunset of my teenage adolescence And if you're ever feeling alone Know that I'll never forget you Even when I'm gone

[cloneslugs]

please king send me ANY sniper headcanons

(idk why im so tired and everything feels so funny rn but i’ll throw you a bone)

actually i’ll edit it here

trans. (pre/no op) he wears a binder on the job but only if he’s in a sufficient sniper nest but even then he’ll take it off bc thats self care baby !! if he knows he’s gonna be running around he’s usually fine w/ his thick ass vest + baggy shirt + undershirt combo :)

he. gay =___= + mostly just. sleeps around but is a romantic at heart but also. not really. he just kinda ? minds his business and like doesnt think too hard about things that require lots of thinking

mama’s boy!!!!!!!!! but tries to emulate his papa (sunglasses B) )

hes not stupid but he prefers simplicity 

POOR HYGIENE he brushes his teeth sometimes and maybe brushes his hair but. he pees in jars + the sink of HQ if there are none available and listen,, that camper dont exactly have running water

he doesnt know how to start conversations at all and actually doesnt. care for talking too much (which is funny bc he hangs out w/ scout a lot,,, but ig scout does all the talking) he jumps in convos if he has a decent/funny enough point but mostly minds his business

he wears a hat for added height + actually all his wardrobe is planned for his utmost social comfort

he flusters easily + hates it, like if you like corner him in a conversation + he cant figure out what to say he just =/////= + he doesnt know how to flirt easily if u flirt w/ him he’ll like stammer out something stupid or just pretend he didnt hear and like. clean his knife or something

he gets super twitchy/fidgety under pressure like above or if you annoy him, he like. flicks his bobblehead or chews on his glasses/fingernails/anything and gets tappy with his hands, he’s pretty good at sitting still most of the time so these are his Tells for irritation/that he’s bothered

he visits home when he can but usually its just screaming matches and he just storms out of the house and does some farm chores bc he still loves them

he’s really bad at like reading/pronunciation (i mean. he can read) he’s bad at spelling

he has a weird relationship w/ ms pauling like they obvs get along but they dont really talk much + she just gets uncomfy in long silences sometimes but they swap recipes and killing tips, he trust her to make calls most of the time and will just listen to her and let the others compromise it out if need be but he’ll interject if he thinks its serious enough(extra info: he just calls her “pauling” unless he’s being really super serious or feels a little snarky)  

he kinda wants a dog but they cant climb into sniper nests and what if it gets hurt

he’s. squirrelier than he lets off and likes to climb on things + also he has good aim with just throwing things

not to veer off canon but he knew he was adopted since he was little

he’s good at falling asleep anywhere in any position + can nod off w/ a sniper in his hand (sometimes thats not the best when youre waiting for a target)

he tries to call his parents at least 3 times a week / every other day if he can manage that

he likes his sunglasses for another reason bc he can snooze a little if theyre having a meeting a nobody can really tell (okay some of them can but listen)

he loves being up high !! no matter the weather he loves it thunderstorms or heavy snow or sunny days its a blast !! and he likes to drive around w/ the windows down and the breeze in his face its :)

listen ik this is canon but the boy is Mentally Ill but brushes it off around people and hates talking about it and gets all clammed up when its brought up by like. anyone strangers or people close to him (see: meet the director/meet the sniper(w/ his dad))

he loves seeing new places but he doesnt care much for like. trudging around the wilderness like?? mucking around in swamps or something like that, he’s there for the view and doesnt need the big exploration + running around that some of the others do

he’s self taught at bow and arrow + picked it up when he was way younger bc he used to think it was cool + sexy now he doesnt really. give it a 2nd thought

he’s actually big emo + has a big heart esp for loved ones but he’s good at hiding if things hurt him outside of his initial response(idk if that makes sense, like if his dad said he hated him he’d like visibly :O at first but after the shock he’d be B/ and maybe just go cry in his camper hfdhsjfk) 

he’s pretty blunt and isnt afraid to just ? point things out to people point blank and he doesnt really get?? why people get pissy

he like. snipes + all but he doesnt really believe in hunting all that much (like outside of the necessities for it, but even then he wouldnt participate)

i think he’s defo the most ?? standoffish out of the group like even spy hangs out w/ scout but he just doesnt feel a need to jump into convos and doesnt consider how much you talk to someone to be equal to the value of how good of friends you are like maybe everyone feels all “oh he doesnt talk much so we arent close” but he doesnt see that he just thinks “we sit in a room together + they talk/we do crazy shit together, ergo we are close” he does genuinely care for their well being most of the time

he’s not very touchy and prefers when people keep a distance + he’s just. awkward

he gets irritated easily in social situations/when talking, he’s easy to talk over, he gets more annoyed w/ what people say over what they do, he hates talking to strangers, he doesnt like when people pester him about his personal life, he generally doesnt give a shit about gossip + all + doesnt nose about in other people’s business like i said he just kinda minds his own and stays in his own lane and defo gets involved in the least amount of drama

he hangs out w/ the others but he spends most of his time on his own if he can, if he does hang out w/ them he’s kinda a wall flower and just watches the rest of them + has his fun that way besides interjecting a little quip here and there (sorry i feel like im repeating myself w/ some of these)

sometimes he gets broody and moody 

he talks about his job w/ really high esteem and he honestly thinks what he does is pretty great and he definitely doesnt think the others are below him but he likes to say what he does isnt mindless merc work its assassination just bc it makes him feel better about himself + its a good argument against his dad

he. hangs out w/ scout and just listens to the kid ramble about whatever + maybe nods or Mhmms along when needed but keeps his mouth shut but maybe gives Big Adult Advise thats maybe not always that great but it sounds smart, sometimes he vents to him bc scouts dumb and wont get it/remember it and his naive/dummy advise sometimes cheers him and actually helps 

i can probably come up w more but this is super long and repetitive F

[sapphirescales]

LILY!!! do you have skincare tips? i've got oily skin and i'm looking for things i can do when my Depression makes it hard to maintain a routine :(

UMMMM well idk like,,, my skin isnt all that great either esp when The Stress hits but i’ll jot down some stuff tht i can think of, but i’ll preface it w my skin is combination skin -- i’ve got a rly oily t-zone and then the rest of my face (esp my cheeks) are a little dry so i guess my skin tends to be more oily than anything, and my skin is SUPER SENSITIVE, but anyway

for facewashes and face creams: use gel stuff instead of foam or cream stuff! i switched my foam cleanser for a gel cleanser, and my moisturiser cream for a moisturiser gel and it helped so much. gel stuff tends to be a lil bit more expensive but it’s worth it imho. also try and get stuff which are parabens-free, bc stuff w parabens in it usually makes my acne go Mad. some stuff i’ve used/stuff i know about: sugar’s cucumber face wash gel, clinelle’s hydracalm facewash gel & hydracalm moisturiser, st ives’ green tea cleanser, origins’ make a difference plus+ rejuvenating cream (a gel moisturiser & a lil high-end aka super pricet), the face shop’s jeju aloe gel (there’s a huge tub sold here for like rm22 something something and honestly aloe gel is so cooling and soothing). i’ve also heard some really great stuff about origins’ oil cleanser (and oil cleansers in general) but i haven’t used it personally.

get urself a good toner! again, try and stay away from parabens-containing products but investing in a good toner will help your products sink in better and also help with regards to oil control. i’m using origins’ mega-bright skin illuminating treatment lotion, from their dr andrew weil line, and idk of many toners that are parabens free, so if you know any feel free 2 add to the comments i guess

your diet tends to reflect on your face. i dont eat v healthy tbh but i find that if i take a lot of dairy products, my acne tends to get worse. try and see if there are similar food products for you -- i know my cousins have issues with lots of processed food. not to say Cut It Out Entirely but reducing/cutting back can really help. my skin is also v v oily if i don’t drink enough water and get in enough greens, so i try to do that as often as i can. keep some water next to where you’re working or using your laptop, use a cool mason jar or water bottle or sippy cup or WHATEVER tbh as long as it makes you actually drink water and keep yourself hydrated

use a nice scrub or an alternative to a scrub: i use st ives’ green tea scrub (which is also parabens free and v affordable imo) and i also bought a tiny lil silicone sponge from watson’s which is like rm22 or something? and i use that with my gel cleanser. but the goal is to really gently exfoliate your skin without irritating it or drying it out. bc the sponge is made of silicone, it lasts FOREVER as well and you’ll see a difference in the texture of your skin in no time. making sure less dead cells are on your skin also helps w my oil production idk why??? but it Does so sdlfkj

face care with make-up is so, so important. use a primer or a pore filler before you put on make-up -- not only will it help your make-up stay on for longer but it also stops make-up getting INTO your pores and making your skin situation worse. afterwards, i usually wipe off my make-up with a (i know u guys are sick of this by now) parabens-free or a really gentle make-up wipe (like one from simple), and then i go back in with micellar water or baby oil in order to really clear out my pores. i use a quick scrub, tone and moisturise. wearing make-up often makes my skin oilier sometimes bc my make-up (which is mattifying bc oily t-zone) dries my skin out and then makes it overproduce oil again later, so if i don’t gotta use make-up, i try not to / minimise how much make-up i use (e.g. just using it for under-eye concealing or concealing acne scars/major acne)

on that note, if you don’t gotta use a cleanser, don’t? like i know most ppl are gonna scream but honestly if you were just at home all day and didn’t go anywhere or do anything to your skin, just splash on some micellar water to clear off the products off your skin from the day before/last night and you’re going to be fine??? super easy, zero fuss.

also, if youre wearing make-up, and youve got oily skin/oily areas, youre gonna have to be a lil aware sometimes and like. dab at your face w a sponge or a tissue v gently to wipe off the oil. setting your face with a powder really helps, and you don’t ACTUALLY need to put the same amount of make-up and foundation over your whole face. so, for e.g., my nose doesn’t need as much coverage and its Super Oily, so i don’t apply as much product there compared to like my forehead or my cheeks (where my acne scarring is most prominent), which really helps. if you have a good foundation and powder that closely matches your skintone and your undertone, you can probably get away w this a lot easier. 

CHANGE YOUR MAKE-UP BRUSHES AND SPONGES OFTEN! like please. PLEASE. i know we all Love to build up and are Lazy As Hell but then maybe invest in some disposable sponges or something bc for the sake of hygiene. please.

USE SUNSCREEN. idc if youre lightskinned or darkskinned, USE SUNSCREEN. even if youre medium-dark skinned, youre not gonna be immune to skin cancer. harsh sunlight also makes your skintone uneven and usually makes my skin overproduce oil. i really like biore’s sunscream stuff bc it’s very light, there’s a non-scented option and it also doubles as a make-up base (they have a few so you gotta have a look through). 

FACE MASKS! i also struggle w The Depression and its really tough for me to maintain an immaculate skincare routine, so rather than investing in like 16 tubs of facemasks i have 1 tube of clay mask (mine is from origins bc i bought this a Long While Ago while i still had money, but any clay mask is good!) and then i bought a WHOLE BUNCH of sheet face masks from the face shop because ... you guessed it ... they’re parabens free! and super cheap! using a hot compress before the mask helps bc your pores open up! i usually make myself a nice mug of tea and switch my a/c on and then slap that facemask on and do some replies. but try and do a facemask at least once every two weeks. i use mine once a week to once every two weeks, depending on how bad my depression is. target the facemask you choose to the particular problems your skin has; mine are usually hydrating facemasks (bc hydration!!! and really hydrating your skin goes a LONG WAY wrt to oil control) but i also have a few firming and brightening ones bc my skin can feel a little dull sometimes. ALSO, clay masks get a Lot Of Shit so i’m gonna just tell you quickly -- YES, they do make your skin break out the first few times you use it, but over time, it will REALLY HELP trust me! your pores? minimised. your skin? clear and glowing. your oil? controlled. if your skin is super sensitive and does not react well to store-bought masks, feel free to make some of your own natural ones! i really love making a maduka honey mask -- if you add sugar to it, it becomes a mask that also doubles as a scrub. a natural yoghurt mask is also a BLESSING and adding some oats to it also makes it double as a scrub. you could use natural aloe or use tomatoes and throw some sugar in them. PLEASE DON’T USE COCONUT OIL AS A MASK IT WILL CLOG YOUR PORES!!! don’t use masks that hurt bc you peel them etc because i always find tht it makes my skin immediately produce way more oil than it needs to compensate or smth lmao so NO to charcoal masks and stuff like that.

try and use something different for day and night. super tough esp if youre (like me) super lazy to do shit but during the day, i usually use an aloe vera gel moisturiser and, at night, i use bio oil to hydrate, minimise pores and also help with acne scarring, and tea tree oil gel to target acne-prone areas on my face and help combat acne before it starts up. find something that works for you!!!

a lot of skincare is trial and error, trying to find what works for YOU personally might not be something that works for others; i rarely get cystic acne, for example, so my skincare routine doesn’t really target that and so some parts might not work as well for people who do have cystic acne (esp since i often hear that clay masks really fuck up ppl who have cystic acne which makes sense bc in the beginning clay masks make acne worse before it gets better). try some stuff out and see what works for you after a month or so of a trial period.

skincare takes time! i don’t mean in the obvious way like you need to take time out of your day to do stuff, but i mean, it takes TIME for the results to show. you’ll have to do stuff now bc it’ll pay off later. it’ll be rough when you’re trying new stuff in the beginning but it might work out for you over a longer period of time. don’t switch products and stuff TOO OFTEN bc it’ll screw up your skin more.

it’s okay if you miss things or don’t do your routine every single day or just Can’t. it’s okay. it’s just skin care, and skipping a day or two won’t really make A Huge Difference. you can continue tomorrow. 

i hope some of this helps? idk this is just what’s worked for me over the years but yeah. feel free 2 add comments as necessary. :*

[lesless]

This is self satire BUT. I do think that everyone I know superficially thinks I’m painfully normal bc at most outside tumblr I post photos on Instagram w/o captions or with minimal ones that describe like, the event occurring in the photo (“hiked x miles”) & I’m fairly quiet in most social situations with people I don’t vet first—meanwhile the moment I’m comfortable I’m yodeling into the night about The Self as a construct & the development of the mind & how feasible anarchy would be should we not be so irrevocably damaged by the current system & end to end conceptualization of abstractions & practical effects & etc like stuff I think is probably boring or strange to outside people. esp when the last time I did share my interests with a superficial friend offhand he really couldn’t get over the fact that I brought little containers on my hike so I could look at floaty little fuckers under the microscope when we got home like, fella, this isn’t even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my interests. Brought it up as a novelty for the next hour of the hike, it is exhausting.

& this isn’t to say ~omg I’m so different~ bc I think most people are pretty strange & I don’t think I’m personally that odd but I AM saying I front as a very bland person so successfully that I think I’m realizing how little people I’m not very close to actually know me. Like facts about my life really toss people. I own a lizard & a moto. I read studies for fun. I’m interested in the development of consciousness, I draw, I paint, I like making animal skin rugs, idk man?? These things aren’t odd to me but I dont typically advertise them to people. It’s jarring to me when I mention something offhand & people go “OMG LAUREN WHAT REALLY??” Um yes. Have you not been paying attention.

Yeah I’m an art girl. I like,,, concepts. The infinitesimal & the incomprehensibly large. Books/coffee & ampersands. I am poorly socialized but well adjusted [for my circumstances]. I collect rocks, obviously.

[makeroomforthejolyghost]

OK!!! saint-loup. it is saint-loup o’clock. i do not have these thoughts well formulated so this might get kinda long n messy but i promised myself i’d Talk This Out w/ myself on this reading, so. icee straw kazoo.

ok so saint-loup is the narrator’s friend tho like... to the extent this term is applicable in friendships m’s kinda The Unrequiter, often exhibits w/out expressly saying that he feels kinda guilty for Using Him or at least for like. not being able to match the energy saint-loup brings to the relationship. in fact the main thing he consistently notices in saint-loup is energy, strength. but also solicitude! which combination to me seems weird? i’m fond of saint-loup but he makes me uncomfortable, i think bc while, on one hand, his slightly sophomoric intellectualism and nervous quickness and tendency to be officiously solicitous*--which 3 traits m associates w/ saint-loup’s ability to assimilate quickly (3.98, 153)--all remind me of me, and also of many people i’ve known, but then...? on the other hand, i have never seen those traits (esp. solicitude) in a strong person; saint-loup is passive-aggressive and i have only ever observed that demeanor in weak people--most of them sick, bats and/or non-men; certainly not in a straight-passing man (as saint-loup does at this time) if he’s also healthysane--since passive-aggression is so. roundabout, and mind-over-matter &c. like. all the things i have in common w/ saint-loup are traits i’ve developed because i’m not a man, not straight, not neurotypical, not strong, u know? and certainly these traits are ones people like me are supposed to dislike in ourselves, but i find that recognizing them in someone usually makes me more comfortable around them, because... well, you know. because the ways in which we’d be likely to hurt each other are basically the same?

meanwhile early in volume 3 you get this scene where saint-loup introduces m to a bunch of his friends, all adorably over-eager to Show Off m’s intellect, make sure he makes a good impression, and

“No? You don’t agree about Stendhal?” he went on, with a naïve confidence in my judgment which found expression in a charming, smiling, almost childish glance of interrogation from his green eyes. “Oh, good! I see you’re on my side. ... The Chartreuse is after all a stunning work, don’t you think? I’m so glad you agree with me. What is it you like best in the Chartreuse? Answer me,” he urged with boyish impetuosity. And the menace of his physical strength made the question almost terrifying. (136)

N.B. THO that here and elsewhere m fuckin glories in that strength. here, for example:

My departure depressed me less when I was no longer obliged to think of it alone, when I felt that the more normal and healthy exertions of my energetic friends, of Robert’s brothers-in-arms, were being applied to what was to be done (179)

but also, before we even GET to rachel:

“I’m furiously jealous,” Saint-Loup said to me, half laughing, half in earnest, alluding to the interminable conversations apart which I had been having with his friend. “Is it because you find him more intelligent than me? Do you like him better than me? Ah, well, I suppose he’s everything now, and no one else is to have a look in!” (Men who are enormously in love with a woman, who live in a society of woman-lovers, allow themselves pleasantries which others, seeing less innocence in them, would never dare to contemplate.) (153)

idk, like. i’ve had multiple people talk that way to me? but i possess what almost seems like an “only we can say it” sentiment about it--only people who don’t pass for straight men, maybe, or only weak people, neurotics. and saint-loup has that entire demeanor he seems to think he’s entitled to it as an intellectual or maybe just picks it up from m and rachel but it’s weird on people whose intellectualism does not compensate for frailty of body and/or “willpower,” idk. he does the fuckin... what do i mean, um. OH!--i associate his flirtatious self-deprecation w/ the thing women do in victorian books and in old movies; the thing lizaveta nikolaevna does in demons when she asks what’s his face whether he’d still wanna hang if she broke her leg. and possibly i’m wrong to see saint-loup’s comments as the outpost of a similar thing? but

“You know,” I said, “I did come to say good-bye to you the day I left Doncières. I’ve never had a chance to mention it. I waved to you in the street.”

“Don’t speak about it,” he replied, “I was so sorry. I passed you just outside the barracks, but I couldn’t stop because I was late already. I assure you I felt quite wretched about it.” (233)

haha yeah no i don’t think i’m wrong. so maybe it’s like the last few days’ irritation at hearing my mom employ the detached, bodily-self-contemptuous infodump tone i often use irl to talk about My Limitations--sitting like i do then, w/ that buzzardy hunch as though to tell a secret, and w/ the same aporetic expression--without having also to euphemize, circumlocute, pause and screw up her face and twist her wrist around for long intervals, blushing, trying to think of a less self-flattering [vulnerable] word for what she means, like i would in that situation. but i think it’s... also that i’m uncomfortable on m’s and rachel’s behalf? that in order not to intimidate or seem to condescend he adopts a piece of their demeanor that makes him look harmless. because like. another way in which saint-loup attempts to Regain His Dignity (or at least vent frustration) during his fight w/ rachel is that when the journalist w/ the cigar refuses to put it out, um,

“Would you mind, sir, throwing away your cigar? The smoke is bad for my friend.” [...]

“There’s no rule against smoking that I know of,” said the journalist. “If people aren’t well, they have only to stay at home.” [...]

��In any case, sir, you are not very civil,” observed Saint-Loup to the journalist, still in a mild and courteous tone, with the air of appraisal of a man judging retrospectively the rights and wrongs of an incident that is already closed. (239-40)

and see THIS IS ME this is exactly how i act when i’m angry at someone in public (incl. or maybe esp. if that someone is myself ha), fuckin carrying on another conversation in the background as proof ur Still Sane, BUT THEN

[A]fter the courteous words that he had just uttered, he brought down his hand with a resounding smack upon the journalist’s cheek. (240)

AND LIKE?? i don’t think this would creep me out nearly so much if the pretext (tho obv not the reason) for it weren’t. an ableist comment. “If people aren’t well, they have only to stay at home.” but i’ve more than once gotten angry w/ someone, chewed someone out, for saying something ableist to my friend (tho in the case that comes to mind the comment could be applied to me as well), and in my experience that kind of vicarious anger is?? because you know your friend’s upset about it but don’t know what to say to help them, so you resent the perp for showing you your own impotence, for distracting your and your friend’s attention from more important things w/ their needless judgmental bs. and THAT makes sense here? but without those other layers--of 1. “this insult implicates me also” and 2. “you have upset my friend and therefore obliged me to Avenge them since i don’t know how to make them feel better”--it’s... weird. it’s just so Not His Fight i guess, and. i’ve actually written a similar scene, too? in which case some of the interest was in like... the assumption by stronger people that we’ll be flattered to see them use their greater strength in defense of Our Honor, when. no, saint-loup; that’s a nonsensical n paternalistic pretext to vent ur own unrelated anger? m neither needs nor wants a healthy person to punish ableists’ contempt of his ill health? and in fact it’s embarrassing in the first place when ppl respond to our not making a fuss by making the fuss for us?? blugh! i don’t know. i can point out so many gross things about this but still am not satisfied i have identified The Thing About It that makes me so uncomfortable; maybe it’s just because at the same time i do understand both m’s fetishistic admiration of saint-loup’s strength and aristocratic solicitude and saint-loup’s paternalism itself. i’ve been on both sides, tho without the... punching. thing, ha. on that note:

Now that to the measured conversations of the diplomats, to the smiling arts of peace, had succeeded the furious onthrust of war, since blows lead to blows, I should not have been surprised to see the combatants wading in one another’s blood. ... Fortunately the journalist who, staggering back from the violence of the blow, had turned pale and hesitated for a moment, did not retaliate. (240-1)

M OH MY GOD ur purely academic understanding of How Fights Work! sees a guy 2 whose general opinion on violence he defers punch someone n is just like “well, shit, this is it, we’re all gonna die” fdlahgsdf ur......my favorite, and also, same, but possibly this is a mistake we both oughta quit making. Fuckin Liberals &c. &c.

*appropriate since he’s a sergeant!! but what i mean is e.g. when rachel (his gf w/ whom he needs to break up) makes him feel small in public saint-loup will then try to get back some dignity by turning to m like “You oughtn’t to stand about in the cigar smoke like that, it’ll make you ill” (3.237). it’s like what i said yesterday about my own solicitude--that it’s about liking to feel useful, liking for there to be a subject on which you know what to say. but it’s jarring to me to see this sense of return to familiar ground detached from same-feeling--to see the “useless person’s dream come true” phenomenon in a situation where saint-loup has no obvious reason to consider himself an expert other than his general aristocratic + busybodyish(!!!) tendency to anticipate people’s interests, to want to Know Everything about his friends.