#idk it could just be because today's already been a misery and i'm not doing very well

[ferberus-skull]

i don't wanna be a hater but. man. dusthides are looking really disappointing. i was so sure we were finally gonna get a wingless ancient, which was my One Huge Hope for the earth ancient. and. nope. still has wings.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary296

7/11/24

thursday

have eaten ice cream. feeling depressed.

not about eating ice cream. just because i freaking cut my hair today and i think i cut the sides too short and it makes me sad like really sad like my hair was pretty now the sides are too short i think and i just hate my face but i think it frames my face a little better or something or i don't even know i'm just sad because i think i am making myself uglier and uglier or maybe i am just getting really ugly now, suddenly. i can't think that way or else i will jsut go and hurt myself . but i don't feel good. i feel really stupid. i make my bangs too wide i think is one thing. i could just let the sides grow out a little longer i think. but i am stupid. i am stupiddddddd. i hate my face and panic like an animal in quick sand and cut cut cut until i feel better but then i look and feel worse and i know or think i know no one would really even see a difference. i am just so stupid it hurts myself. it hurts to be inside myself.

so i am just sitting here listening to katie dey's flood network feeling very stupid and tired already at 8 pm.

i sent the email to the cassette guy with the j-card stuff + the wavs all labeled and everything. hope he sees that and is like "cool" and then i'll be like "cool."

anyways. i dunno what else to say. i cooked today and that was nice, and my gf was watching joe biden fall apart on her computer, and i asked about the future, and she said if it gets bad she will hide me away. i really love her, i wish i were not something that might impede her life in any way. does my presence in her life make it less easy for her to be normal, does being not normal make her life harder?

i guess that's how that works, by definition.

i am also upset today because i did cut my bangs they aren't too short i think it's just the sides went too high i guess. i should have tried to just keep it a little bit um more of an oval thing, more pronounced i guess. i hate that i can't feel okay about myself longer than a day i hate feeling ugly all the time i can't take it anymore sometimes or that's how i feel. it's really hard.

maybe the final piece of beauty being labor is that, like much labor, it's final piece which consummates or completes it, makes it true, is the faith essentially in its completion or its end. this isn't to say anyone needs to feel that for it to be complete, but the notion is that as one labors and suffers, one puts stock into what makes that suffering occur in the first place. there is a point. feeling pretty, at the end of all the labor, this is a final piece which creates prettiness, maybe the most important part, the faith is the most important function in that most terrible labor where one's self esteem is abandoned in favor of... i dunno... being image, maybe. but i was always image. so i dunno.

it makes me want to cry too much to think about. but my lack of faith in myself or its impossibility, the final part of being pretty is believing you are, i can't, but also, there's some kind of freedom in this. i know that my desire is one which hurts me. i just can't give it up. i wonder if cutting my hair is just something i do instead of cutting my arms.

just putting this here to break up the misery.

tomorrow i think i need to at a minimum work out 5 minutes of music for the short film, ideally, maybe 10 minutes. i kind of want the song to be continuous. though idk. i guess that might not work. i should just try 5-10 minutes in aggregate for the scenes i have been given. then maybe try and figure some lyrics out for stuff so i can work out new song-y songs to release for whatever is next.

i am tired and truthfully for some reason i want to wake up and have tomorrow be today and that none of this happened. i don't know why but since a kid i've felt that very much, a very regular feeling/wish.

anyway,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[6eetle]

Quickie thing i'm gonna blog about today teehee

it gets a little personal so if you dont wanna see allat i'll just put it under the cut

So like, this has been something that's been on my mind the past few weeks just as a floating concept in my mind. But today, my mom was looking at me try on a new coat. She asked me to come closer so she could examine it better so yk, i did, but then her attention drew to my face. She placed her hand on my cheek and when i looked at her she had a look of like?? absolute concern? Bewilderment, even! Why? Facial hair. Not enough to be considered a beard or anything but enough to be noticeable. She was all like "is that your hair?" (as in my actual head hair) and i was like..no? its like she didnt wanna believe it. No way! your DAUGHTER whos a GIRL has MAN hormones running through HER body! SHE isn't supposed to have FACIAL HAIR!

And I mean, technically I shouldn't have facial hair. I only have it because of PCOS. But then I think back to everything and the several cycles of denial, self-consciousness, confusion, and all the negative things I've thought about regarding the way that I am. The way my body works. And at some point I sorta just. Broke that cycle? I mean, it's still insanely difficult to accept sometimes when you pass as a woman to everyone on the outside but the INSTANT they see little ol me with some thick sideburns they get a worrisome look. Almost like they pity me! I've been told so many goddamn times as of recent years.. "Ness, you don't look like a woman! :(" "Ness! Here's some tips on how to shave!" My whole family looks at me like it's some horrible disease and that I just live in total absolute misery with a little extra hair lmao. I've even had a little kid come up to me and ask "do you have a beard?" and then it just felt like the whole room had eyes on me. But one thing I've noticed about it all is that I don't really care..? Heck, I even like it a little! But because of my own family always giving me weird looks for embracing something that's a normal bodily function by nature I feel insecure about it anyway. Not for myself, but for others. Because fuck dude!! maybe they're right! I don't pass as a woman! I mean I'm not a woman to myself, I identify as nonbinary with maybe a little bit of femininity in the mix, but that doesn't matter because they don't like it. because they think it's unnatural and is a problem that has to be treated.

And it's like. Idk man i'm so sick of being pitied and treated like some poor soul who doesn't know how to take care of themself. What I do with my body is my business. Why does it concern you??? Why do people always look at me and are so fucking put off by that small little feature about me? Always cherry-picking what should and shouldn't happen with my development. I didn't choose to grow the hair, I chose to keep it. And I'm going to continue to keep it because at the end of the day I've accepted it's a part of me. And it's super fucked that they only see me as some anomaly rather than a being who can, like everyone else, develop parts of them that are natural in a biological sense, but not natural to gender roles, beauty standards or whatever. Traits that are "ugly". It's super disappointing. Like yeah I'm beautiful until I start growing a beard or something i guess

This isn't necessarily a vent post I would say. In fact, I want to be positive about it! Because I really wanna emphasize the idea that no one should be in charge of the way you look, or the way you decide to love your body. Despite what's "wrong" with me, I'm totally fine, because i allow myself to be. Life is so much more peaceful when you don't got a bitch in your ear telling you things you already know!!!! Telling you to shave and look more lady-like!!! I think I'm winning tbh :3 Oh I don't look like a perfect soft-to-the-touch skin "not a hair in sight" girl? Sexcellent.

[tomb-bloom-noctem]

Ignore me it's time for me to rant because I'm just so exhausted from hateful comments. Hiding it under a read more so no one has to be forced to look at my misery.

I got a piece of (already now deleted) hatemail on my fanfic of Brothers, A Tale of Three Hedgehogs. A hatemail that was critical of the fact that the Triple S bois aren't exactly like their game selves. Honestly, I'm mad as hell that I write fanfiction, damn good fanfiction at that, and frequently get met with criticism that my take on the characters (Donald Duck, Sonic, Mabel Pines, Della Duck, etc) are "not in character"

I mean first of all, I really do attempt to BALANCE what the character would do/say/react canonically with where my stories take them. But damnit I'm not writing stuff that's canon compliant! Almost everything I write is tagged with AU for fucks sake. I am not writing little adventures that could go along side the canon, I am creating entire versions that are meant to be their own thing. No Donald Duck does not canonically try to kill himself in Ducktales 2017 and have to embark on a long mental health journey to recover afterwards, there's no fucking way to say what Donald would or would not do in that situation because Disney wouldn't touch that story with a 10 foot pole! Or ew why is Shadow still so hung up on the past in Brothers A Tale of Three Hedgehogs, why does Sonic still have feelings for Sally or why does he even care in the first place since their relationship has been retconned by Sega. Because I fucking want to write a story that takes SatAM, Sonic X, and a good chunk of the games - which may I remind you are all VERY different types of source material with their own takes on the characters - and rolls it all into one story. Because in that story I need the characters to have growth and change and be affected by the things they've gone through! Stagnant characters won't work for this story! Or why is Mabel Pines depressed in your fic, she's 13. Because fucking hell my dude, I was once a depressed 13 year old too! I know what it's like! So I wanted to write a story about it!

BECAUSE IT'S A STORY. I AM NOT BOUND BY THE RULES SET BY THE IP OWNERS. It's fanfiction! I am free to write whatever I want!

Like oh my God. You do not have to like it when I or anyone else writes characters in a non canon compliant way. You are free to feel that way. But good GRIEF what is the freaking POINT of pouncing into mine or anyone's inbox and saying how you're a bad writer because your version doesn't align with canon, you're a bad writer because you wrote the characters in a way I DON'T LIKE, on and on and on! Wtf! Do you people who do this shit also climb into smut fics and pull this same stunt? "Uh well ACTUALLY, we never see XYZ character engage in sexual activity so THEREFORE this fic is out of character!"

Do you hear how dumb that sounds???

I don't read smut fics so hell, maybe they are, IDK. That's besides the point though.

Just. Fucking hell. Have fanfic readers of today forgotten the old wisdom of "Don't like it, don't read it?" Yes that's normally applied to shipping content but god, please apply it to literally everything when it comes to fanfiction. There is this WONDERFUL TOOL at your dispense when you wind up reading a fanfiction you don't like like. It is called the back button. You know what is an infinitely better thing to do than write a hateful comment or fucks sake a series of extremely hateful and threatening anons on the author's Tumblr account??? Backing out of that fic and moving on with your life.

I mean fuck I'm very sorry for ranting on and on about this but it's 1:30am and I've already had such a rough day, I got real excited to see someone commented on my fic only to receive a long angry criticism that I'm not writing in character and that failure on my part is ruining their enjoyment so badly thar they can't even bring themselves to leave me kudos! Like, buddy! Oh pal, my good sir, instead of wasting your time, just LEAVE! It's okay to just leave and not say a word!

"Tombs, why do you care? Just ignore the haters-"

No. You know what. No. I can't. Okay? I work HARD on what I write. I don't expect to be everyone's cup of tea, I don't expect people to sing my praises from the heavens, no! But for FUCKS SAKE. Life is so shitty! I don't want to even exist most days! I've been having to fight all this mental illness for years without any help thanks to living in the middle of nowhere and I'm still frequently suicidal - I seriously contemplate checking myself into a hospital again sometimes! I would just like to be able to write whatever story I'm focused on at the time in peace okay??? I try to not complain that it's disappointing to not get much positive attention on what I write. But the frequent hate mail on TA&TA and now this on Brothers, it's E X H A U S T I N G. I'm TRYING to live my life and make things work and not be a completely bitter and mean person like my mother was or turn to her vices. I'm freaking trying to do what I can. I just CAN'T with this damn hatemail on my stories though or especially the god awful anons people send me sometimes, PLEASE just leave me alone if you don't like what I make!

[pickalilywrites]

Could I possibly ask for a EreAni valentines day thingy? I'm thinking something like Eren goes over the top with buying gifts for Annie, not expecting anything in return? And then Annie surprises him with either a super special gift, or with a kiss out of nowhere (maybe even in public which makes it more surprising and shocking)? Idk something along those lines. Please and thank you!

At my hs they sold grams with doughnuts and stuff but no one ever bought me those :c I feel like Eren would be very over the top always with any holiday that allows him to give gifts to Annie~

Valentine’s Grams

EreAni. High school AU. 

1229 words. 

“Ah, Valentine’s Day,” Mr. Smith smiles as students dressed as cupids and devils scramble around the classroom as they pass out gifts. Mr. Smith himself has an impressive pile of chocolates piling up on his desk and Annie suspects that most of them come from hopeful schoolgirls and not grateful students like Mr. Smith probably thinks. “I remember what it was like to be young and in love.”

Annie would have preferred being in Shadis’ class during this time. Shadis absolutely hated any classroom disruptions – once even yelling at a newspaper student who had requested a short interview of class president Marco Bodt – and he definitely wouldn’t have tolerated these silly Valentine’s grams.

Does she hate Valentine’s Day? No, but she can’t bring herself to like it either. She always finds herself running into five times as many, er, affectionate couples and it makes it all the more difficult to run to class. Then there are the gifts. They were so much more practical in elementary school. Candies and cards, simple and sweet. Now it seems like everyone’s trying to one up each other with various giant stuffed animals that people can barely stuff in their lockers and bouquets that are way too fragrant to be allowed into class without being distracting. Maybe she should have skipped school. Thinking about all of this was making her feel nauseous.

“Oh wow!” Mr. Smith says when he sees a giant teddy bear as big as a person walk into the door.

Connie Springer’s face appears behind the bear. “Hey, Mr. Smith. Just the usual V-Day delivery again.” In addition to the bear, he has bags filled with flowers and boxes of chocolates. He even has a boombox with him for some strange reason.

“Do you need any help?” Mr. Smith asks. He looks concerned and for good reason. Connie looks as if he’s about to get crushed by the giant plush toy at any minute.

“Nah, it’s cool. It’s all for one person anyway,” Connie assures him, already walking towards Annie’s side of the room. He finally stops at her desk and plops the bear down beside her before dropping the bags on her desk, not even bothering to wait for her to clear off her textbook and notebook beforehand.

“Connie, what the fuck are you doing?” Annie hisses, horrified at the pile of gifts on her desk. It almost rivals the mountain of chocolates sitting on top of Mr. Smith’s desk right now. “Sasha’s not in this class. And I’m not Sasha.”

“Oh, Sasha and I are going out to a new restaurant that opened up recently, so don’t worry about it. It’s nice that you’re concerned though,” Connie tells her. Unlike her, he speaks at a normal level and, because everyone’s attention was currently on her, everyone can hear every single word he’s saying. “Eren wanted to get all of this for you. I owe him a lot of money.”

Mr. Smith, in typical Mr. Smith fashion, grins widely and says, “Looks like Mr. Jaeger cares about you quite a bit, Annie! You must be thrilled!”

She’s actually mortified and would murder Connie right now, but she knows he’s only the messenger.

“This is great,” she mutters. She looks up to see that Connie’s still there, fiddling with the boombox. “What are you still doing here? Aren’t you done?”

“Almost,” Connie replies, not noticing her murderous glare. He presses a button and his face lights up as the music starts. He pulls out a pair of shades from his front shirt pocket and slips them on, shooting a finger gun at her in a pose that would be comical if it weren’t directed at her. “Alright! Get ready for the grand finale, Annie.”

Oh God, she thinks when she realizes that the song’s introduction is disturbingly familiar to her.

“As he came into the window, was a sound of a crescendo,” Connie warbles off-key. “He came into her apartment. He left bloodstains on the carpet.” He’s even moonwalking, very poorly Annie might add, as if his out of tune singing wouldn’t be enough to embarrass her.

Reiner, that bastard, is singing along with Connie (although he admittedly has a much nicer voice than Annie would have guessed) while other students clap along and bob their heads.

“Annie, are you okay, you okay, you okay, Annie? You’ve been hit by, you’ve been struck by a smooth criminal!” Connie finishes before Mr. Smith walks over to hit the “stop” button on the boombox.

“I think Annie’s had enough of that for today,” Mr. Smith laughs. “But I do appreciate the gusto with which you delivered her gifts, Mr. Springer.”

Annie doesn’t know if she should be grateful that Mr. Smith finally ended her misery or hate him for not ending it earlier.

“Thanks, Mr. Smith!” Connie beams, giving the math teacher a quick salute. He turns to smile at Annie. At this point Annie thinks he’s stupid because he doesn’t even flinch when she glares at him. “See ya, Annie! Hope you and Eren have a nice Valentine’s Day!”

When she walks out of class, she hears the faint hum of Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal.” She continues to walk forward, planning on ignoring the cruel the person responsible for the horror she endured just ten minutes before, but she feels a hand grab her arm and pull her back.

“Hey, Annie.” Her boyfriend grins at her even as she glares at him. “You okay? I almost didn’t see you behind that giant bear.”

She shoves the enormous plush toy into his arms. “If you hum or make any more mentions about ‘Smooth Criminal,’ I will murder you.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop,” Eren says. He’s already taking her bags from her even though she has no trouble carrying them herself. “But did you like everything?”

To be honest, it’s far more than she would have liked, but she doesn’t want to crush his soul. And she actually is fond of chocolate and the bear is rather cute even though she has no idea where she’ll put it in her room.

“It was very sweet,” she finally says. “Except for Connie’s singing. Did you know he was tone deaf?”

“Yeah, he’s terrible,” Eren says affectionately. He shifts the bear so he can take a look at Annie better. “I’m going to drop everything off at your locker now. Do you have anything else you want to give me?”

Did she? Not really. She didn’t think they would be the type to exchange gifts on Valentine’s Day, so she didn’t get him anything at all. Now she was feeling a bit guilty, especially since he had bought her so many things (that she didn’t particularly care for but that didn’t make her feel any less bad about it).

“Yeah, just, um.” Annie brushes her hair out of her bangs before leaning up to kiss her boyfriend. It’s difficult to tell who’s more surprised when they pull away. But it must be her because she immediately bolts in the other direction after her lips leave his.

“Hey, Annie!” Eren calls as she speed walks away. She should have known better than to run away from him. He’s raising his voice now, the other students in the hall stopping in their tracks to stare. “Annie, did you just kiss me?”

She could turn around and tell him to shut up, but she knows he’s going to be far too gleeful in seeing her blushing face so she flips him off instead.