#idk if u even remembered i was supposed to write this for u but KLJSDLFKSKLG i'm sorry it' so late 😭

[rihabe]

♥ — ALL I WANT

( cw: parental death )

christmas is hard.

usually, riha is good at avoiding negative emotions. she stays busy, she distracts herself, and she forces herself to focus on the good.

but apparently, there are some times when you can't avoid grief. she learned that last year – the first christmas without her mother. she thought this year would be better, maybe. time heals all wounds, as they say, but it feels the same as it did last year.

in some ways, it might even feel worse, because this time, she realizes she hasn't really healed at all.

christmas lights remind her of when her family used to walk around seoul, searching for the best light displays, her mother always in charge of the whole ordeal.

last year, they skipped a christmas tree, but this year, in an attempt to return to normalcy, bought one again. every ornament she put on felt like a stab to the gut. she could still hear her mother's voice in her head, telling the story of each one: this is the first ornament your dad and i bought after we got married and doha made this when he was three years old, isn't it cute? and i bought this keychain when your father and i went to los angeles for the world cup and we decided it would work better as an ornament.

riha still does what riha does, and tries to busy herself this season. she makes plans upon plans, and after about a week of it, is so exhausted from trying to appear like her usual self that she cancels half of her others.

riha still doesn't like staying home and staying still, though, and being with claudine usually puts her in a good mood, so she still goes to the christmas market with her as planned.

she hates that she's quieter and more subdued than usual. she's sure everyone can tell, including claudine, but she still does her best to cover it up regardless, because she doesn't know what else to do.

"okay, where should we go next?" she asks her friend, taking a sip of the hot chocolate that they just bought – which is still way too hot. she winces and sticks her tongue out a little. the cold air will make it burn less, right?

@beclaudine – ♥