#idk if they are bc they sent me a 'tell us about your recent maintenance experience' survey re: the reinspection

[eschynite]

The practice of regularly inspecting tenants for investment protection purposes is so unethical and insane. I just can't stop thinking about it. You people are in my home against my will, wildly inconveniencing me and obviously making me uncomfortable because you are strangers, to nitpick how I'm living in a small piece of a property that has easily already paid for itself many times over since it was built/acquired in 2005 (MY rent is $1.6k.. The lowest is over $1.3k.. Highest over $2.1k.. 320 units.. Be so fucking for real).. You change the carpets every time someone moves out anyway.. Why are you bothering me. How do you justify being in my home. Fr

[blue-hi]

i’ve been awake since 4:30 am and it’s 9:00 now so i need to get this out because it’s been months and i havent been able to spit the whole thing out and i need to SAY something so i think i’ll jst yell into the void so

thanks

ive had insomnia since at least mid october. cant really remember now when it started. i’d keep waking up in th emiddle of the night, always around 2 or 3 am and it would take ages to get back to sleep.

ive never been one for all nighters and i like getting a full night’s sleep and all of a sudden i wasn;t getting it and for no reason too. this scared me. it still scares me. i reached out to my mom for idk emotional support??? i didn’t want to be alone

“this happens to other people too” started out as a way to help but the way she said it sounded like she was dismissing me and what was happening. like it would all clear up soon so i had no reason to bother her

then the week before halloween almost all my classes assigned projects or had a test and they were all assigned at the same time at the end of the week and were all due at the same time on halloween. the saturday before halloween and after i got all the assignments i slept particularly awfully and i just broke down in th emiddle of the library. like all day and i couldn’t stop. that scared me even more bc if it happened once it can happen again

im terrified. that’s the core of the issue

that day my mom and aunt got me a plane ticket to fly home for the next weekend to see if being home would fix things. we even had a doctor’s appointment it didn’t fix anything. the doctor told me things i already knew but also decided i had generalized anxiety disorder and that was why i couldn;t sleep even though i wasn;t scared until after it started and i slept terribly that night again. i was hysterical. i still had no idea why i couldn’t sleep i shouldn’t have paced that loud in the hallway but yeah i wanted attention i felt alone. maybe it was selfish but i just wanted a hug and i knew then i was in for the long haul and i didn’t want to be afraid AND be alone but my mom just yelled at me (which she had the right to i was being not-great) and i felt i was burdening her. that’s when i realized she either can’t or won’t be there with me or both

i went to the counselor at my school and i just vented. not all of this but some of it and i had other problems at the time like my major and some classes but those had all worked themselves out by the end of november i also went to the health center and got a little bottle of this drug called hydroxyzine and that started helping a little bit. i was taking tylenol pm every night before that and apparently this was something stronger

then thanksgiving rolled around and i was still having some issues. one thing i remember most vividly is twin and i were going to drive to our dad’s house for the day. normally i drive but i handed the keys to twin because i hadn’t slept well and didn’t feel like driving. my mom noticed and asked why i didn’t want to drive and i SHOULD have lied and said that i wanted twin to practice but i told he truth and said i felt too tired to drive and she rolled her eyes at me later in the break one morning she asked me how i slept again and i said poorly and i was still half asleep but i swear she scoffed

then i knew i REALLY couldn;t expect her to help me. not even with the sleeping but just with support.

i went back to the school counselor (different person though) and! my mom still doesn’t know about that visit. she doesn;t know that counselor said that insomnia sometimes predates depression symptoms. should i tell her that? that’s also terrifying. i managed to get out of high school without really any mental illness issues so i;m a lucky one but that’s what i’m scared about going forward

i feel like it’s not as serious as it feels and that no i don’t have anxiety and no i don’t have depression (yet) and that i should just suck it up until i do but also i can have emotions because i;m a fucking person and ‘m allowed to tell people about them without feeling like a burden or a fake bc god forbid i have a single negative emotion in front of someone. i’ve always been a “good girl low maintenance child” and FUCK that

weirdly i started to sleep well during finals week and these past 2 weeks on break too but i think that’s because the hydroxyzine started to kick in. except oops now my supply is low and i have about a week or two left until i completely run out and the little bottle says NO REFILLS LEFT so i have to figure out how to get more for the semester last night i tried to go to bed without taking one to see if i’ve gotten any better. news flash nothing’s changed without it and now everything that had gone away in the last 3 weeks all the anxiety and hopelessness and tiredness and terror all came back last night and right now i feel like i;m back in the library again bc i can’t stop crying

what if i can’t get more before the semester starts?? if i’m like this during break what’ll happen when i have to stress again?

i came downstairs at 8 to do organic chemistry on khan academy because if i can’t sleep then i might as well do something productive. mom came down to get ready for work and she saw me and asked me if i was upset about not sleeping again

i was an idiot and said yeah - that’s what i hate too. i want to be honest about mental health with people and how i’m doing but to stop this i need to lie to her. now i’ll always be fine! and she never has to know if i;m in a bad way just as she likes it and i feel a w f u l about it. it makes be feel petty and petulant but i’m non confrontational. i want to tell her everything i;ve written here and just be so honest she has to listen to me instead of dismissing me every time but every time she asks i clam up and i failed again this morning she accused me of wanting to feel scared because “i hadn’t tried everything yet”. she and family members for christmas sent me some things that are supposed to help like a light developed by insomniacs or a winter light and i really do appreciate all of it, but they all came when the medicine was working so i didn’t NEED it. last night was different because i am a scientist and am my own guinea pig and i wanted to see what would happen if i didn’t take the drugs. i’ll use all of that tonight in Phase 2 of the Worst Experiment Ever but she wouldn’t LISTEN to me when i said that either.

now i’ll just say nothing. why should she know it’s only caused both of us stress. i wish she would take this (insomnia! depression!! mental health woo!) as seriously as she took my acne when i was 12. still now if i have a zit she feels entitled to touch my face. do you wanna know how you can help??? stay away from me and don’t wonder why i kind of want to tell her. she’s coming back home in a couple of hours bc it’s new year’s eve and i might still be in a state who knows but i’ll choke again and she’ll yell at me again and nothing will have changed

people have asked me how my semester went and “it’s been a shitty one,” i wanna say but normally i just say that i’m glad it’s over only for my parents to swoop in and say “it can’t have been all that bad i mean you did well with your grades in the end” like !! i pulled that B in physics out of my ass! just because i did ok academically because i’m lucky and good at school doesn’t mean my health was great! my dad can’t help me either because i’ll say that my mental health recently isn’t as good as it could be and he just goes “aww sweetie.” and that’s it. nothing else. thanks dad. i know you don’t know what to do with that information and i don’t fault you for that because emotions have never taken precedence in either household (except for all the curse words i learned from my mom when she’s inconvenienced)

all of this and i still don’t know why i can’t sleep normally

thanks for reading this fkn novel all of this has been on my chest for a LONG time and i haven’t had the chance to say any of it and if i get the chance i’m afraid i’ll forget something (i probably did here, too). i truly mean thank you. this has been cathartic to write, even though i still need to go to a counselor or something. i hope your new year (and decade!) is bright

[beyondstr8]

1-150🤧

@tellmeonasunday​ I should have kept my mouth shut.

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? My most recent ex.2. Are you outgoing or shy? Half and half, depending on my mood and how comfortable i am with you.3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My best friend when she comes home again4. Are you easy to get along with? 99% of the time yes5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I mean I’d hope so6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Those who are goal oriented, want to achieve things in life, can joke around a lot and i’m working on surrounding myself with positive people.7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? I have no idea.8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? I don’t like guys but Jason Momoa can get it no matter how gay i might be9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? If it’s someone I just met or came out to and they say “so how does lesbian sex work? is it even sex? nothing gets inserted right?” I’m a lil uncomfortable.10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Amy or Savannah11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “I haven’t kissed anyone in a year and i’m dying” lmfaooooo12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Oh man... I’m on an Amine, Kane Brown, Khalid, and Metallica kick currently so basically anything by them.13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Jesus fuck yes 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? I think so15. What good thing happened this summer? Finally got in touch with myself16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Fuck no she owes me money lmao17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Yes, there’s no way that all of the life in the universe happens to be where we stand.18. Do you still talk to your first crush? No, I don’t talk to my kindergarten teacher’s daughter.19. Do you like bubble baths? I don’t want to marinate in my own filth20. Do you like your neighbors? Considering my neighbor is my grandma, i think shes okay.21. What are you bad habits? Biting my fingernails when i have anxiety22. Where would you like to travel? Literally anywhere I haven’t been23. Do you have trust issues? Only if I get a bad vibe from someone24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Hyping myself up for work in the morning with music25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? My tummy.26. What do you do when you wake up? Snooze my alarm and go tf back to sleep27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I’m content with it28. Who are you most comfortable around? Savannah, my best friend29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? No30. Do you ever want to get married? Absolutely31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? It has been every day so far32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Ruby Rose and Carrie Underwood33. Spell your name with your chin. No thank you34. Do you play sports? What sports? I played softball for 14 years.35. Would you rather live without TV or music? I don’t watch tv anyways36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Yes37. What do you say during awkward silences? Whatever is on my mind38. Describe your dream girl/guy? Shorter than me, a little feminine but not high maintenance like always having their hair/nails done, smart, funny af, gotta be a good friend, and they gotta like me back39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Target, Tjmaxx, bealls, and Bass pro40. What do you want to do after high school? I went to college for a year on a softball scholarship, then became an emt and now i’m working at target41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Not everyone42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? I either don’t like you at all or i’m secretly in love with you43. Do you smile at strangers? I try to44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? The ocean is my shit45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? The paycheck46. What are you paranoid about? Nothing that i can think of47. Have you ever been high? No48. Have you ever been drunk? i wouldn’t say drunk, but i was feeling it49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? my mom would kill me if she found out i drink50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Red51. Ever wished you were someone else? not really52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? How quickly i let my guard down53. Favourite makeup brand? i don’t wear makeup54. Favourite store? Target55. Favourite blog? mine lmao56. Favourite colour? blue, always will be57. Favourite food? anything that’s bad for me, particularly chocolate and pasta and breads58. Last thing you ate? chocolate lmfao59. First thing you ate this morning? Strawberry frosted pop tarts60. Ever won a competition? For what? Yes for a lot of things61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? I’ve never even had a detention lol62. Been arrested? For what? no63. Ever been in love? thought i was64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? Lmfaooooo it was my best friend65. Are you hungry right now? I’m always hungry66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? I don’t have any tumblr friends67. Facebook or Twitter? facebook68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now? No70. Names of your bestfriends? Savannah, Katie, and Amy71. Craving something? What? Love and affection and chocolate72. What colour are your towels? blue72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 173. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? maybe like.. 475. Favourite animal? Doggos76. What colour is your underwear? Grey77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Chocolate fudge brownie79. What colour shirt are you wearing? white80. What colour pants? I’m not wearing pants lol81. Favourite tv show? That 70′s show, reba, friends82. Favourite movie? Forrest Gump, Moana83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? mean girls84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? mean girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? the gay guy, i forgot his name86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? the little shrimp guy87. First person you talked to today? Jas88. Last person you talked to today? Jas lmao89. Name a person you hate? Trump and his whole cabinet90. Name a person you love? my momma91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Trump and his whole cabinet92. In a fight with someone? Trump and his whole cabinet93. How many sweatpants do you have? 4 pairs94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? i have like 5 but i only wear 195. Last movie you watched? Moana or the water boy96. Favourite actress? Sandra Bullock currently97. Favourite actor? tom hanks or adam sandler98. Do you tan a lot? No i go straight from white to red99. Have any pets? No100. How are you feeling? content but tired101. Do you type fast? on my phone yes102. Do you regret anything from your past? I just wish i said something sooner103. Can you spell well? yes104. Do you miss anyone from your past? yes105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yes106. Ever broken someone’s heart? im not sure107. Have you ever been on a horse? when i was like 4 at a fair108. What should you be doing? probably sleeping109. Is something irritating you right now? how many fucking questions there are110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? oh yes111. Do you have trust issues? kind of112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? i rarely cry in front of people but probably my mom113. What was your childhood nickname? Steph, always has been114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yes115. Do you play the Wii? no116. Are you listening to music right now? always117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? when im sick118. Do you like Chinese food? noooooo119. Favourite book? the Crank series by ellen hopkins120. Are you afraid of the dark? only if i hear something121. Are you mean? no, i try to be as nice as possible but if you fuck w my friends its going down122. Is cheating ever okay? fuck no123. Can you keep white shoes clean? also fuck no124. Do you believe in love at first sight? i believe in the click125. Do you believe in true love? im not sure126. Are you currently bored? no i have plenty of questions to answer127. What makes you happy? getting good amounts of sleep, meeting deadlines at work, and my best friend128. Would you change your name? no129. What your zodiac sign? cancer130. Do you like subway? yes131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? sorry pal132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? savannah or amy133. Favourite lyrics right now? so many, idk134. Can you count to one million? if i had the time and patience135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i hid my dad’s wallet from him when i was like 4 and i said i didnt know where it was136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed af137. How tall are you? 5′8138. Curly or Straight hair? mine is the straightest part about me139. Brunette or Blonde? blonde as hell140. Summer or Winter? summer141. Night or Day? daytime but im also a night owl ???142. Favourite month? june bc of my birthday and its halfway through the year143. Are you a vegetarian? no144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? all, but dark145. Tea or Coffee? medium mocha iced coffee with cream and sugar from dunkin146. Was today a good day? it’s payday, its friday, and i don’t work for 4 days. 147. Mars or Snickers? snickers148. What’s your favourite quote? i can’t think of anything rn but probably something cheesy149. Do you believe in ghosts? idk about “ghosts” but i believe in spirits150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Of course, i know he has to work until 5:30″ (via catscuddlingandyou)