#idk if i have ocd actually. but i might‚ now that i think about it

[conjectureand-gloom]

here is your gentle reminder that you are not your thoughts

[asinglesock]

so uh

[e77y]

I SCHEDULED A PSYCHIATRIST APPOINTMENT 🧘‍♀️🌈✨🌱💫🌊

[skyfallscotland]

I don’t know if this is weird, but I don’t have many friends and I am weird, admittedly so…yolo, but this is just a diary post really of all the things on my mind right now.

• The response on ink & mistletoe was really lovely and I’m especially grateful for it while I’m still having a rough time.

• I really wanted to write more this week because I wanted to finish off ink & mistletoe and Truth & Talon before Onyx Storm comes out, but I have a migraine again and I’ve just been so exhausted it’s not happening, which sucks.

• I did start a new book though—my first of 2025—Just For the Summer by Abby Jimenez. One of my resolutions for the new year is to read more actual books, so I’m off to a start at least. One thing that wigged me out though, it’s first person past-tense? What the fuck is that, why are we doing that? My brain does not like.

• Speaking of Onyx Storm, should I start posting my theories now as I write them, or just save it for one big post a few days before?

• I’m still incredibly bothered by not only the continuing trend of oh surprise another special edition with content not available to you! But also mostly the response from other people to it, mostly Americans, because no one else is saying “no one’s making you buy them all” or “having choices is a good thing” because uhh *checks notes* we don’t? We just pay twice the amount of money you do for made-in-a-sweatshop, falling apart crap with less features.

• Also, just as an aside so you all are ready, I’m fairly certain there’s a special edition of Iron Flame coming…probably with bonus content. Someone asked if she was going to do one because it just had plain edges and she replied with a winking face. I’m going to say in Feb/March, and with dragon edges to match OS & the original FW print run. Call me Cassandra, idk.

• My (undiagnosed, I guess) OCD is getting worse, so if anyone has any tips or tricks for that throw them my way because seeing a psychiatrist in this town is not only the price of a small car, but almost impossible. Everyone’s books are closed, because we’re all a fucking mess apparently idk. They did say they had someone who might find me and my eclectic collection of mental illnesses “interesting” though, so I at least get to send my referral through 🙃

• Lastly, I am once again calling for people to stop drowning. If you come to Australia, please understand how rips work. If you’re not a strong swimmer, don’t swim anywhere there aren’t lifeguards. You are not as safe as you think you are, I promise you. Almost every day there’s been another drowning death that’s been entirely preventable and it’s infuriating, half the time there are kids involved. Don’t put your kids at risk for fuck’s sake. View the below if you’re curious (or coming here). I wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t spot them from front on, most people can’t unless they grew up on the beach, but again, if you can’t that’s why you shouldn’t swim anywhere help can’t get to you. 31 people drowned in four weeks is madness when there are over 600 patrolled beaches in this country. And people worry about the wildlife, good lord.

[ibeblizzard12]

…….……🐾🦴🖤🎀🖤🦴🐾………….

Haiii I’m Nyx!! I’m an edblr!! She/they(anything workz but they/them is preferred but idc tbh), intp/intj, in high school(my age is one of these: 14, 15, or 16),pro recovery, not pro ana, caffeine addicted virgin, aroace but idm flirting for funz, MINOR!!!, very mentally ell, not much trauma tbh, hello kitty/sanrio obsession, junkorexic, cutecore/cutegore/2020 e kid, minor aspirin addiction, insomniac, biological girl(I identify as one as well), cat person, sh, multiple mental illnesses, luvz video games like dti omori ddlc yanderesimulator sims4, usually stayz up untilz 2-5am, probably anemic, likes 2 drawz, likes 2 smoke and do drugs(usually snorts em), been in mental hospitals before, I’ve tried to kms once or twice lol, needz 24/7 distraction so I don’t think about kms, ed is a copping mechanism for meh, on antidepressants, tried therapy before doesn’t work for for meh tho cuz imz a minor, very few safe foodz, very picky, multiple personalities, brunette, youngest child, underweight, hates physical touch, always eepy, hates myself :P

I AM NOT PRO ANA IM AM FUCKING PRO RECOVERY SO DONT FUCKING REPORT MEH THIS IS MY DAMN SAFE PLACE AND MY ONLINE DIARY I AM NOT TRYING TRIGGER ANYONE U ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR UR OWN TRIGGERS JUST LET ME HAVE THIS BLOG I AM VERY MENTALLY UNSTABLE AND THIS BLOG IS A WAY TO DISTRACT ME FROM MY SUI IDEATION MY MOOTS ARE ONE OF THE REASONS I HAVENT KMS YET PLZ JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND JUST BLOCK ME NO REPORTING IS NOT GOING MAKE ME RECOVER THE MORE I GET REPORTED THE MORE DEPRESSED I GET MY ED IS MY COOPING MECHANISM I KNOW ITS NOT A GOOD ONE I AM FULLY AWARE THE DANGERS OF AN ED BUT IM JUST GONNA KMS IF U KEEP REPORTING ME SO YOULL BE THE REASON I FUCKING DIE🖕

DNI-

homophobics/transphobics, misogynists, people who have mdni in their bio, under 13, 27+, creeps, pro ana people(but if ur not gonna comment anything pro ana on my posts then idm), pedifles, people in recovery(but if we’re already mootz then can still interact just not on my blog or just block the tags that ur recovering fromz), non mentally ell blogs, men if their over 21, gen alphas(I don’t count 13/14ys), people w fat or skinny or sh fetishes, people who want report meh or my mootz

(Keep reading if u wannaz know more about meh)

DIAGNOSED W-

anorexia, depression, adhd, anxiety, minor autism, minor ocd, sui ideation, arfid, bipolar 2

NOT DIAGNOSED BUT I MIGHT/PROBABLY HAVE-

bulimia(100% sure I have it(kinda trying to recover fromz it tho), aspd(psychopath), DID

RANDOM MENTALLY ILLNESS SHIT ABOUT MEH-

convinced that their are multiple eyes always watching me idm why and I always draw them for some reason I feel that always watching me especially at nightz their in the wallz and in the my bl00d and my tears, since I was 9 would pretend to have an audience(like I was a YouTuber or smt) and I would talk to the audience but eventually the audience became an imaginary person/personality that I talk/think to(probably cuz I’m lonely) when ever I do something I think smt like, “we need to do blah blah blah.” I can’t stop myself from thinking we instead of I and idk if it’s normal, my eds are cooping mechanism except arfid I’ve that since was two after I choked on a certain food I would always(unintentionally) puke if my parents would try to make me eat a food I didn’t like even at the sight or smell of it so know I always think of certain foodz and meat/eggs/seafood especially w the fear that I’m just gonna puke it so I’m naturally VERY picky for the longest time I would literally only eat angle hair pasta w ketchup idc if u think itz gross it was my safe food rn my main safe food is energy drinks but I can’t have that all the timez, I have social anxiety and used to get panic attacks when I was in crowds it’s a bit better now tho, ive tried to kms before(was gonna hang myselfz) but I managed to stopz myself(it was really hard),  I’m actually quite manipulative when I want 2 be lmao, moody teenager, I have to be awake at night and keep myself distracted so thatz that thoughtz(sui stuff the eyes ect) can’t torment me so I try to stay awake until I’m too tired 2 keepz thinking

I’m am pro recovery I am not pro ana plz just leave me alone on this I’m not fat phobic I try not 2 be but keep in mind I don’t have a conscience, I really don’t care if ur fat I just have bad experiences w them cuz when I first lost weight I would constantly get skinny shamed even tho I was a perfectly healthy weight and it really got to me and contributed to meh ed cuz eventually I started seeing it as praise when people would comment on meh losing weight and now I get really anxious and sui if some doesn’t say I’m skinny tho if they say it in a mean way than I’ll get offended I get that it was out of concern and jealousy but it no one had commented on my body I would probably not have an ed rn and I would’ve watched wut I ate but not in an obsessive way. But seriously I really don’t mind if ur fat just don’t be mean to be about it just cuz I’m skinnier than u. 

Things I really likez-

video games, sleeping, watching YouTube and anime, chainsaw man, solo leveling, insatiable, arcane, death note, future diaries(tho the ending sucked), maduca magica pullea smt(I’m not gonna bother trying to write or even remember the whole name💀u get the jist of it if ya know the anime that I’m talking aboutz), I like cute things w a creepy twist(cutegore), I like cutecore and 2020 e kid fashion(I also like other alternative styles but those are the ones I likez most(pretty sure cutecore isn’t alt but wut ever), drawing, creepy eyes that are alwayz watchingz meh, hello kitty/sanrio, those alt spiky collar/bracelet thingyz, plushies, catz, dress to impress, makeup, dressing up, anime hair, knifes, bl00dz, aspirin, melatonin, bupropion, getting high, cigarettez, ultra monsters(my current fav flavor is the sugar free peach one), my room, cutecore rooms, decorating my room, going to da mall!!, waterrrr, Diet Coke, cucumbers, st4rving myselfz dont ask.

[wsknbfanaccnt]

Mental Disorders Headcanons

pls keep in mind that im not an expert on disorders or anything, i just thought this would be fun lmfao

TW!: suicide, depression, panic attack, self harm, self destructive thoughts, mentions of blood

Characters: Akashi, Kuroko, Midorima, Aomine, Kise, Kagami

PTSD

lots of disassociating and emotional detachment

and I can imagine that he experiences derealization a lot, especially during his mental breakdowns

for example in the middle of the Rakuzan vs Seirin match

disassociating

in fact, the entire time that Bokushi was in front, he had tunnel vision

i feel like there would be times that he would just stare at something for hours

that wouldnt stop him from completing the tasks that his dad makes him do, but in those times he forgets to take care of himself

Kuroko is usually the sensitive one, quickly seeing if Akashi's having trouble

he tries to talk to him and distract him and when the others catch up they do the same

Aomine would like give him a pat on the back in the middle of a game maybe, Kise would compliment something of his, Murasakibara sharing candy, stuff like that

the problem is, Akashi doesn't see their gestures

ive mentioned this before too, but i would think he self harms

he has scars on his thighs, both red and white ones

no one knows

Nijimura has a suspicion though

theres just a slight hesitation when Akashi runs, or sometimes he jolts when he forgets about it and fabric brushes against it

has attempted suicide twice

neither of which Masaomi knows about

Midorima knows about the second time but doesnt know about the first

Anxiety

also emotional detachment

he tries to avoid as much conflict as possible, which also leads to him prioritizing others instead of himself

a bad habit he has is helping others regardless of how it would affect him

he likes to sacrifice himself a lot for the sake of others

lots of overthinking

frequent panic attacks in the locker room when he's alone

but he also experiences them around people, so he learned to suppress them throughout the years

he experienced once, exactly once, that he was having an obvious panic attack in front of people (what people? idk)

so his chest was tightening, he couldnt breathe, he was shaking and all that

but no one noticed because of his lack of presence

he couldnt even ask for help, nor he would want to do that anyways

when the GOM learned about it, they make sure to pay extra attention if they feel that Kuroko is on edge about something

there was once he had a panic attack in the locker room and Aomine caught him and calmed him down

OCD

routines and rituals, as we've seen from our beloved Shin-kun

every morning Oha Asa, has to prepare everything exactly the way he wants it to be, and be finished at a specific time

if something goes wrong he outbursts, either a breakdown or doing something repeatedly to make sure that what his doing is correct

and the times that he somehow cant find or dont know his lucky item (this is canon btw lmfao) he hoards everything that he can find in relation to what small thing he knows about the potential lucky item

we also know that he takes very extensive care of his nails because of basketball to the point that he wraps bandages around him

now that i think about it maybe him having ocd might just be canon atp

when he accidentally fucks up, or the shape of his nail wasnt what he wants it to be, he continues filing down his nails until it bleeds

fuck ow lmfao

Akashi notices this and forbids him to practice when he sees blood on the tips of his bandages

sometimes when the rest notices that its really bad, they offer the some of their things in hopes that it would be effective as his lucky item

also, at times, they listen to oha asa just in case Midorima has trouble with his lucky item so that it wouldnt happen again

Depression

we see a lot of the symptoms in the anime actually

loss of interest in hobbies, self isolation, irritability, stuff like that

i think he would definitely engage in self destructive behaviors, but not quite like cutting

suicidal ideation

he doesnt practice, we know this, but instead of "theres no point" its more of "someone might be able to beat me if i stay in this level"

but i feel like he would train outside their practices, harder than a lot of people

running for hours regardless of how much he throws up, working out in gyms but not using equipment properly or pushes himself past his limit

stuff like that

he actively avoids people, and he struggles with doing basic functions like eating, brushing his teeth, taking a bath

self destructive thoughts:

"theres nothing left for me"

"nothing matters anymore"

"no one understands me"

"i dont need anyone"

its not often that the gang notices when its particularly bad, but Kise and Kuroko never miss it

they'd always make sure that hes with someone, and they'd watch over him so that he doesnt do anything that might harm him, especially after an incident

they were about to cross the road but Aomine wasnt looking

(he doesnt look when he crosses anymore and its just become a habit)

both of them pulled him back, and he was pissed at the two of them because he also landed on his ass

when they made eye contact, all three of them just immediately understood what Aomine was trying to do

NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

in the manga, Kise's very rude to people he deems below him

or in general, people who he doesnt call "-cchi"

i would think that Kise actually has a very fragile self-esteem

most people in his life praise him anyways, and it doesnt help that he's a model thats often swarmed by girls wherever he goes

but when someone gives him critisizm, its like a switch

he doesnt get angry, but he does feel intense shame and he'll overthink about it for days on end, sometimes not being able to sleep at night

and he'll do everything to make sure that he himself knows that he isnt what that person says he is

when that doesnt happen, he questions his self worth and disassociates for days as well

often it gets self destructive

those he sees below him, he despises

as if they arent even worthy of breathing the same air as him

he treats them like shit only in private tho

he doesnt want his reputation to be tarnished after all

I think Aomine would be his number 1 supporter

Kise doesnt rely on others nor shows vulnerability, but you can count on Aomine to point out the things that he's good at when he's feeling down

Kuroko would try to distract him i think, like taking him to eat popsicles or karaoke

(some of the only times that Kuroko actually agrees to hang out with him)

has almost attempted self harm many times but never actually goes through with it

ADHD

we see traces of this too in the anime and in the manga

his hyperfixation is definitely and quite obviously basketball

he has difficulty with emotional regulation as we know, feeling hotheaded and sometimes explosive anger

we've seen him restless as well when he's looking forward to games too much, or he just cant help but practice when he needs to blow off some steam

and id also think hes just generally restless, he has to be doing something or fidgeting with something and he cant sit still

hes a bit of a perfectionist (just a bit)

i think hes also a little sensitive when taking critisism, and sometimes he takes it the wrong way and suddenly outbursts

something that's also shown in the anime is that hes impulsive, especially on the court but also off court

ADHD often comes with anxiety and depression, so sometimes the Seirin team can tell that he's down or he's more fidgety than usual

Hyuga is a tough love kind of person, so he doesnt hesitate to be blunt around Kagami

Sometimes he takes it wrong, but Kuroko and Izuki is always there to help Kagami understand that Hyuga just wants the best for him

when hes down, Seirin goes to Maji burger and they all split the bill to pay for the ridiculous amounts of burgers that Kagami loves so much

Kagami i think fidgets with himself if he's restless, biting his nails, peeling his lips, to the point of bleeding

Seirin notices every single time and just grabs kagami's arm and pulls it away from whatever he's doing

[morverenmaybewrites]

hello. this might be bothering you but I just wanted to write something about your fic Rules of Vanishing for like, a long time. Sorry if it's a bit much. So um, I don't have OCD (.......probably), but I was severely agoraphobic. Like "I couldn't even be next to an open window inside my house in fear people would see me" type of severe.

But RoV is like... so comforting to me. Jason never talked down to or ridiculed the reader, if anything he often went out of his way, even if it felt silly, like needing to see the restaurant's kitchen. He's always calm and never treats the reader as crazy. Moreso than I ever thought anyone would. I know now people can be that kind, but if it wasn't for RoV I wouldn't even have begun thinking it was even possible. Especially for someone like me.

I still have agoraphobia, but it's significantly better. I can go out, I have a job, I can actually be around people. Maybe not anything glamorous, but I actually feel like I'm living my life. But idk, I feel if I didn't read Rules of Vanishing, it would've been so much harder to have gotten to this point. So... thank you, for writing. It truly helped me in ways I don't think I could properly convey. :)

This ask is beautiful, thank you, anon. I’ve received several comments and asks of a similar vein over the years, and they never fail to bring me to tears. That my silly little stories can impact and help people is something I’m incredibly grateful for. I’m glad you’re getting better, believe me I understand the sharp relief in finally being able to live your life, and I’m happy for you!

Thank you for reaching out, anon!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for moving a (small) table?

OK this is a pretty minor thing but I still feel a bit guilty about it. As of writing this Halloween was yesterday, and this took place on Halloween evening.

So, every year on Halloween my parents go to my sisters house to see my nieces, and I stay at their house to give out candy in the front yard. I like to have some fun with it, so I wear a little grim reaper costume, and use a 'spin the wheel' style randomizer app to tell visitors supposedly how they are gonna die.

(Except its all funny slapstick stuff, and I have a normal cute fortune telling option for the little ones)

This year I wanted to add to it a little bit, so I decided to wear my roller skates with my costume and do some dancing and tricks while people walk up to make them laugh. (I have been doing roller skating as a hobby most of my life)

While I was getting changed, my mom brought out the table for the candy and a chair out to the driveway, which was a very nice thing of her to do, and I thanked her, but explained that I was actually going to move it up to the porch since the driveway was slanted and I would just roll down it on my skates.

This is where some context is needed about my mom, she is a victim of brain damage twice over, and also has OCD. Relevant to this story, her specific brain damage means that she has trouble regulating emotions, as well as difficulty speaking. Her difficulty speaking leads her to becoming particularly frustrated when she feels like someone was not making an effort to listen to her properly or was ignoring her.

All this to say, when I said I was going to move the table, she said no,no, it has to be right here. Dont move it. I figured she had become "stuck" on this (it's a common type of thing that she does, although im not entiely sure how to explain it) so I just agreed to keep it there to her.

Still,though, I wanted to dance, so I figured there would be no harm in scooching the table up once my parents left, and brought it back before they came back. Except, they came back early, and my mom saw the table in a different spot and became very agitated with me for ignoring what she said.

And I do feel bad about it, because I did it anyway knowing that these things that might seem small to others really can bother her a lot, and she is particularly hurt when ignored. She's over it by now and i apologized, but I'm still thinking about it. Was I being an asshole? I did intend to put it back, I wasn't actually ignoring what she said, I was paying attention, I just wanted to be a little goofy for the kids while she wasn't there anyway. Idk.

What are these acronyms?

[popcornoncemore]

TLDR: Basically, I have no idea why but my brain decided that in order to cope, I would need Grantaire from Les Mis in my head bc I probably have an undiagnosed dissociative disorder or something

So idk what's up with me, but I deal with stress and trauma by dissociating and just kinda becoming different versions of myself? I'm hesitant to call it OSDD or anything, but I've been doing this for quite a while now and there are a couple consistent characters that help me live life. We're all simultaneously me but also kind of not and we feel different ways about things, have different skills, and we have different priorities. There's not really an inner world for me like many people I know with OSDD, but I do have a lot of conflicting thoughts and internal conversations. Hopefully that makes sense.

There's Dallas, who is adult me and who isn't afraid of confrontation or doctors offices. There's Cheesecake, who is kind of child me who helps me deal with trauma and interact with people. There may be a guy called Maximillian who helps with my OCD stuff but idk if he's really defined enough.

But for whatever reason, a couple months ago my brain decided that the way to deal with suicidal thoughts and stress for my future was by copy-pasting the fandom version of Grantaire from Les Mis into my head? Technically, he came with the name Blake, but internally is just called R for no reason and he's a dramatic af alcoholic. I have never had alcohol or any addictive substance (besides my caffeine addiction, which is much stronger when I'm R), but when I'm in that "mode" I just get tempted to go drink it off. It's funny because it actually helps because when we're him, it's easier to pretend not to give a damn about problems and also we don't care what anyone thinks about us. It's funny because I'll feel weird in a social situation and my brain copes by turning on chilled out alcoholic man with no filter.

Idk why I decided to post about this now lol, it's just a funny thing in my head. I don't understand what this is, but it's something I've lived with for a while and I know there are some other people with dissociative disorders in this fandom who might get a laugh out of my internal fanfiction insert

[system-of-a-feather]

Tagging @syscurse with this cause they seem to have more awareness of the final fusion "discourse" and I dont have a thesis statement or any real argument here beyond just casual discussion nor do I know if Im "strawmanning" cause I havent actually seen much of it since M&M's final fusion backlash (+ Im not trying to argue, just share thoughts)

But the common line of "Final Fusion isnt even worth it / isnt even good because you can always resplit" and what not is honestly fucked up and problematic to say in regards to a healing method but on a personal level didnt so much have anything to compare it to in order to highlight it

But as someone who has been working with OCD longer than DID and final fusion, its kind of like saying "Trying to resist / be free from doing your compulsions isn't even worth it because you can always get new compulsions or relapse, even if you free yourself from all the ones you have now, its not like itll stay that way"

Cause - and Im not sure how many chronic long term OCD folks are out there - but for cases like mine where its "high functioning" (ie constant but due to how its done it doesnt impact my day to day as much as it should) and long long long deeply rooted and untreated, a valid settling place for healing is to just integrate and adjust the compulsions to be less intrusive and focus on navigating obsessions and intrusive thoughts better

For some it might just not be worth the time and effort to actually fully stop all the compulsions entirely because - in our case - there are too many, its too deeply rooted in trauma and other disorders, and so reinforced that to do so would be a SHIT ton of work whereas usually we actually are pretty functioning

So if we were to put the community aspect the DID community has onto the OCD "community" then one could say there is "full remission" and "functional OCD" as recovery goals.

And as someone whose happily settled in functional OCD and currently really isnt seeking out full remission (as that would probably be after final fusion) its completely valid to say "Im happy with this level".

Much like DID and splitting though, the OCD brain even after healing is still a brain physically wired in an OCD way and inevitably you are always going to be prone to developing obsessions and compulsions. Does that mean working on freeing yourself from the ones you currently have is pointless? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Even if you have two weeks, two months, two years, twenty years, forty years and then "relapse" or whatever it is and end up gaining new obsessions / compulsions or splitting a new alter, obtaining that period of ideal and desired healing is an amazing thing.

Healing has ups and downs and works like a tide for almost every disorder and every version of healing. Its not a special thing about DID or final fusion, heck the claim could be made with functional multiplicity and dissociative symptoms and barriers coming back

Idk man, Im mostly rambling thoughts but TLDR healing is a rollercoaster, sometimes its a Disneyland ride sometimes its Six Flags, but there are ups and downs regardless of the disorder and version of healing for an individual and I really think its a bit of a negative nancy and a thought coming from a place of not understanding later stages of healing from people not quite there yet

Anyways, just rambles open mic to anyone who wants to ramble back

[trippin-over-my-fandoms]

So since I predicted that Sloane and Luther would get together from the day she was announced as well as a couple of scenes- I feel obligated to share w y'all my batshit crazy idea of what I thought might happen in season 4 and like now that we have TWO trailers why I think it might happen. In other words-

Me being delulu about tua s4 and y'all gotta deal w it

So my initial thought was that in this new timeline they are themselves slotted into lives they don't initially remember, that the longer they dwell in the timeline the more they remember and some come to accept. Up until the inevitable happens and the world is at risk again for whatever reason. However, saving the world means giving up these perfect lives for accepting their shitty dysfunctional reality to save each other. Because the more they stay and accept the more they lose of previous timelines.

I was gonna write a fanfic but then my resident evil obsession started and if y'all have read any of my fanfic y'all know my history with long-fics.

Why do I now think this could actually be the case you ask?

At the end of season 3 Luther takes off after our girl Sloane with Klaus following but everyone else is just so calm. Soooo which leads us to

Trailer 1

Viktor might own or work in a bar. Which the fact that he seems to be somewhat settled for sure tells us that some time has possibly passed between season 3 and 4

The sign says "home for wayward boys" implying that Allison may not have been in the group and maybe neither Viktor before the transition. I'm also wondering if now that his wife is back maybe in this new timeline they both fostered/adopted our main characters.

Oh yeah did I mention Reginald's moon wife is alive? His whole thing with the children was his alien (literally) way to save her. Now she's alive.

Allison is with claire so she also possibly has her life back.

Ben is getting out of jail and like it could be a "time has passed between seasons" thing or something happens in one of the episodes where he winds up locked up.

Diego is at a kid's party and either has his own kid or a niece or something. it's not claire and the family behind him is not his umbrella fam.

MY BOY IS SO SMALL ITS GONNA BE SO WEIRD SEEING HIM "NORMAL" THIS SEASON also he looks kinda sad. trailer two debunks what I initially thought of his reveal in this trailer because I thought oh haha what if it's a Halloween costume but like we'll get to my season 2 crazies hang in there.

Klaus is upside down in an interior (proven by the radiator) so he is either stuck, meditating, in a trance, or it's Sloane holding him there. I also kinda wonder if he's going through a clean streak or something OCD like with his addictions from the whole blue gloves thing. tbh i saw those in the promo and thought it was blue screen and his hands were gonna be effed up lol.

ben shouts "lets go kill this bitch" and allison corrects "this is a rescue mission" sooooooo is reginal and or his wife the bitch in question? and like sloane is the only one missing from our group so maybe she's the one being rescued? or maybe one of the new characters (like gene and jean).

which brings me to a theory I'll get to after my trailer break down and before the second breakdown.

side bar but the xmen stile jet is great lol

the subway is 100% a metaphor for the timelines AND that house diego and luther are at is the one from season two where they see reggie and grace at that party

the mind thingies in the blue room are so fucked up and i cant tell if thats sloane or wife hargreeves or a grace return in the bg but im wondering if it connects them to other timelines? Im wondering if the woman is sloane bc abigail has such curly hair but it does remind me of grace so idk.

upside down umbrella is insane okay

starting to think the jet might be flashbacks

A SPACE SUIT HAND REACHES INTO A RED FORCE SOMETHING FOR ANOTHER HAND AND SLOANE MAYBE????

fuck organization if you have read this far welcome to my brain- anyway- theory is that her place got swapped for abigail hargreeves' on the moon and now our beloved moon boy has to save her from that place. so symbolic.

now i was half put down a few shots later when we see victor emit a similar color power later but trailer 2 kinda backs some stuff up.

so trailer 2

opens with ben alone and confused and vicktor calls ben at the phone booth leading me to 100% believe they have split up again and have to find each other. very nostalgic of season 1 and 2

"there's something happening to you and it's only gonna get worse" so this is either about just ben OR its about all of them. either way ben did look confused so his eldritch horrors are either hulking out or he's losing memory chunks like my theory suggests. but it might revolve around ben bc vicktor specifically says "you" in the next time about the world ending.

(wondering if luther nervous farted in the car lmao)

Gene and Jean are possibly conspiracy theorists or agents posing as them but its interesting they are bringing attention to the altered timelines.

okay yeah world ending revolves around ben im tired okay and not proofing this you're stuck with my ramblings

the white violin is for sure abi hargreeves no doubt it doesn't look like sloane and plus the violin viktor got was bc reggie gave it to him that he got from his wife before she died okay. fanfic rn where viktor is the chosen child fanfic rn where abi loves all the kids fanfic rn where shes alive but shes just as much of a dick and we could have an epic trans story for viktor and expectations and yeah anyway-

whoever said it was jenny in trailer two i wanna kiss u on the lips ur prolly right and i love you for it

"ben died because we failed as a team" "and-" "and what" FOLLOWED BY LUTHERS CONFUSED FACE LEADS ME TO ONE OF TWO THINGS AND YOU ALREADY KNOW ONE OF THEM memory loss my beloved or something shocking occurs to him or like he seems something idk

more blue room stuff and uh maybe its not mind stuff maybe its power stimulation like what if they dont have their powers but ben does idk.

who TF is klaus digging up

OH GUYS NO I THINK LUTHER IS A MALE DANCER THATS WHAT THE SPACE SUIT IS IDK WTF IS THIS SHOW I LOVE IT

anyway they keep showing that one scene and like idk im delulu about sloane im so tired and i am not ready for this show to end in 8 days im sobbing y'all

[overelegantstranger]

madpunk inflected mental health and hearing voices talk under the cut

i've been thinking about the hearing voices thing. For a little clarity I'm going to define my terms. by "hearing voices" I'm meaning three things:

the near constant thoughts of "you should die, you should kill yourself, everyone would be better off if you weren't around" that happen on my period, and which always feel like they're coming from, if not literally outside my head, outside "my space" in my head. At at least one point, they felt/sounded like they were coming from a female, mother-y person, whose voice was very specific and distinct

the similar, but not identical, thoughts that can happen when i'm, or possibly Tank is, struggling with feeling angry or resentful or upset. The last time he experienced it, he described it as an internal radio he couldn't get away from, to the point of trying to physically block his ears and drown it out. These often start as like, for example, "I can't believe they would do that" and might be Tank's or my thoughts, and escalate until they become a "radio", causing feelings of anger and resentment that are disproportionate to the thoughts that either of us would have laid claim to

The having of at least two other people in my head who seem able to project thoughts to me. This one is, in a way, the hardest to identify, because I thought it was normal for a long time, and I don't precisely know how much internal dialogue is "normal" and how much is potentially included in "hearing voices". So say I might be saying in my head "I'm just feeling x, y, z" and then I might "hear" "yeah, because a, b, c", such as you might have when telling a friend what you're feeling. and sometimes these dialogues would confuse me, like, why am i having these "yeah, and" thoughts? it's just rephrasing what i JUST said, or put words on what was vaguely in my mind. But overall I thought they were just normal and maybe they are.

I've been thinking about all these, but particularly the first two. Initially I was looking into menstrual psychosis, because psychosis is a "scary", stigmatised term and I wasn't sure if I had discounted it because of stigma (context: I maybe have PMDD but the timing is always on my period, never before. But menstrual psychosis, while timed correctly, doesn't seem to match my symptoms).

And I just kept thinking. There was something about being at therapy on Monday, and being openly plural and talking a little about my childhood, and having my pluralness accepted as fact, that made me kind of see it from outside and think that this isn't really super "normal", like, idk.

I guess, because my mum has depression, that me developing an intense anxiety issue and even OCD, is "normal". I realise for most people this is an Issue, but for me, while it's scary and awful and disabling, That's Just What Brains Do. I have at least four generations of mental health problems on that side, you know? I have just sort of absorbed the idea of being mentally ill without it shifting my mental perception of myself, because to me, it was as natural as being blue-eyed.

But now, I'm beginning to both clearly see that firstly, my anxiety and ocd was not a forgone conclusion and not an unfortunate genetic side effect but instead a response to how I was raised and how fucked up my childhood was, and see that what I'm experiencing now is something that someone outside of me might call insane (no stigma necessarily intended; we're a madpunk household).

Like, I was, while living with my parents, actively experiencing symptoms that are socially a shorthand for "insane". I still am now but the point is that that was so invisible I didn't even recognise it for the potentially worrying symptom it was. And maybe in a clinical sense what I'm talking about Isn't really hearing voices. I don't really know. But the point is I'm finally seeing myself as actively, actually, mentally ill, due to largely avoidable incidents and patterns of behaviour from my caregivers, and that those patterns of behaviour have, and i'm using this language for emphasis, actually driven me insane.

[mieczyhale]

took a shower, and actually brushed & fully dried my hair, and was feeling tired but p good about getting that done

the josh comes in with "do you wanna try making the bed on your own this time? so you can feel accomplished?"

bitch what

i was feeling kind of accomplished but i certainly don't anymore

"i just didn't know how gung-ho you were, if you were feeling up to it"

then just fucking ask that

i know he didn't mean anything by it but goddamn, dude

i was already feeling a little :( bc i had wanted to brush my teeth too but that just wasn't happening tonight, but now i feel very :(

in positive news tho, the last time i showered was less than two weeks ago so this was INCREDIBLY early for me to be showering again (for the last year or so there's been a lot more time between actual showers than that. like.. a lot, depending on my ocd. bc i didn't get the 'needs to be clean' ocd, i got the 'here are rituals for every second you're in the shower, you can't move onto the next step without perfecting the current one, and oh - this might go so badly you bleed. have fun!' ocd)

and i did brush my teeth saturday night, so comparing to *gestures at the last couple of years* if i had managed to brush them again today that would've also been hella early. so it's not the worst thing in the world that i couldn't manage it. but still.

going to order food and be lazy until bedtime. josh is off until monday, which i'm v happy about, but he still won't stay up much past his usual bedtime. hashtag grandpa.

oh and i've been kinda lowkey sick the last two-ish days but i think whatever it was passed?? my stomach is doing better at least and i think the major headache i had earlier was from not sleeping enough. but idk. we're not out of the woods yet, lads

oh! another positive! we went grocery shopping yesterday night! so we have snacks and stuff again finally. josh pointed out while we were checking out that our groceries look horrible, especially for two (2) adults. it looks like we only eat junk food and candy, and tbh he's not wrong. it does look like that. it also looks like we have the beverage taste of a highschool boy. BUT we do eat actual food. we just don't buy it (or rarely buy it) from the store. we don't cook (hi mental health hi) so most of the food items we get are snacks / snack-adjacent items. and like... sandwich stuff lol i'm just happy to have snacks again so i don't have to spend money on Actual FoodTM when i'm not that hungry y'know?? y'know

okay my head is starting to hurt again so i'm.. probably gonna change nothing about what i'm doing rn EXCEPT I STILL NEED TO GET FOOD

FUCK

[4ga1n5t-4ll-4uth0r1ty]

ive rummaged through my brain thoroughly and I believe i am pretty confident for what is going on /gen (this post is mostly for me, but can be helpful to others :] )

trigger warnings for below - suicide mention, sh, (y'all i need help with trigger warnings idk what to put and i don't want anyone to be hurt TT)

what i definitely might have

trauma that poses as factitious disorder

OCD - 100% - diagnosed, experienced since age 6

anxiety - 100% - diagnosed, experienced since toddler hood

depression - 100% - undiagnosed, experienced since this year (comes with suicidal thoughts !1! :D)

dyscalculia - 55% (im not sure. im told i have it by my psychiatrist and mother quite frequently, but i think im just bad at math. I've only exaggerated on it once, with me "switching around the numbers 6 and 7") - diagnosed, experienced since birth

PTSD - 100% - assessing, experienced since age 2, only found out this year

autism - 100% - verbally diagnosed, experienced since birth

ADHD - 100% - verbally diagnosed, experienced since birth

things i have faked

hallucinations - i do have them, just not to the extent i say. the fears that have emerged from them are real

ASPD - don't know why, the stigma surrounding ASPD is already horrible (which no one should go through simply because of their disorder, it's not right)

chronic fatigue - i do experience quite a large amount of fatigue on a constant basis, but not to the point of it being chronic and as serious as the condition. fatigue, chronic or not, is not 'laziness' and should not be labelled as such.

schizophrenia - i don't know when exactly it started, the hallucinations i would force myself to have started to actually happen though

^^ THERE ARE MORE, ITS JUST VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING RIGHT NOW AND I CANT THINK TT

one thing that makes me doubt things is the amount of disorders/disabilities that are labelled as 'what i definitely might have', so they may change. let me know if any of them don't work together and i will continue to look into my head. I want to stop lying

one thing i know for sure is that none of my experiences/stories are fake, so please don't take them as such

most of my vents are real and genuine, if i delete them, they either weren't or i was just embarrassed about my feelings

all the sh, meltdowns, shutdowns, stimming, and hyperfixations (can i call them that ? im not sure TT) are genuine

i am so so so so sorry to everyone i have lied to and manipulated

[la-principessa-nuova]

i mean, this might sound like a humble brag, and i don’t mean it that way, but like

one of the problems i think i’ve been having lately as i’ve been more burnt out is that even before i started medically transitioning, there were very few aspects of my appearance that i couldn’t already make look feminine enough for me to be happy with it, provided i put in a bunch of time and effort

(with it taking extra time both bc i don’t have a ton of practice with stuff like makeup and bc my AuDHD/OCD combo makes me take a long time to do that sort of thing)

but now despite a ton of changes from HRT in the first 7 months, I still need to take all those same steps. Like, for sure, I’ve gotten closer without them, but so far none of them are actually not needed for me to feel ok with going out in girlmode.

But just to feel fully like myself I need to do… a lot, and I haven’t had the energy, and on top of that, a lot of my clothes don’t really fit that well, so I have to deal with a lot of slipping and discomfort that doesn’t come across in the pictures I post here

Truthfully I have about 1-2 wearable outfits each for summer and winter and they’re noticeably low quality in terms of comfort.

So mostly I’m wearing unisex t shirts and sweatpants that don’t look *that* different from the men’s ones I wore before.

but idk… it’s just that it still feels like I’m putting on a costume and it’s a little disheartening going through the effort knowing that at the end of the day I have to take off the costume and then I look like this again.

and i think a large part of that is that the clothes and wigs and stuff that I have are all very cheap, and a lot of them don’t fit because the largest size is too small, and even for ones that come in larger sizes, I’m not sure how big I need to go because I’m not entirely sure how they’re meant to fit on a body of my size and especially if my shape.

[basics-academy-yum]

Info dump about the students in high school. Do they go to the same one coincidentaly? Are they still in touch with the teachers?

prepare for an unskippable cutscene <3

SO SO SO SO SO!!!! Most of them do go to highschool together, considering they don't live to far from each other in the first place... And to answer your second question... yes. They are still in touch with the teachers. More than you might think :]

Playtime, Paisley, and Andrew (Baldi's son, for those unaware) honestly treat each other like cousins. Paisley's legal guardian is Micah, Playtime's stepdad is Prince... and Prince and Baldi are best friends, so those 3 are super close.

Paisley Playtime Andrew Art Billy

I'll give you little bio of each of them :]

Paisley - 15 (she/her) Super overprotective of Playtime. Stays out late hanging out with Andrew. She's finally on medication for her OCD so she rarely ever has hallucinations anymore!! Yippee!! She's pretty mature actually, for a 15 year old.

Playtime - 15 (she/her) Gonna be so real, puberty hits this poor kid like a truck, some days it takes ever fiber of her being to not curl up in her bed and cry. She's super studious and loves laying in bed watching magical girl anime. She's very into soft harajuku styles as well (like yume kawaii and a bit of lolita and stuff <3). She does get relentlessly bullied, but luckily she's got some pretty cool friends that tend to beat people up a bit too much–

Andrew - 15 (he/him) In a bunch of AP and honors courses and is burnt the hell out!!! He's pretty depressed and constantly beating himself up... Paisley will help him escape all the work and ruminations and just be a teenager sometimes. It's pretty awesome :D

Art Audrey- 14 (she/her) She's a very reserved art student, but believe it or not she's been managing her anxiety pretty great! She's been dating Billy, and boy does that kid have some enemies for protecting the LADIES in his life. Speaking of which...

Billy - 14 (he/him) He's still got anger issues, but he's learned how to be a lot more true to his feelings. Any time he sees his girlfriend or his childhood friend, Playtime, getting bullied, boy does he let them have it. Anyway, him and Audrey love to make comics and stories together, they have a huge universe with the craziest plot– it's super nifty 👍

Now I know what you're probably not thinking, but I've gotta bring it up. Playtime's bestie, 1st Prize!!! They stay best friends of course but... gosh, there's really no good way to put it. Philip (that's 1st Prize btw) passes away when he's about... 17. Playtime visits him all the time, of course. Some days she'll sit by his grave for hours, doing homework or telling him how her week has been or plots to her favorite anime... she'll also visit his mom sometimes and just hang out with her :]

Another big thing you've probably noticed is AUDREY!!!!!! Yeah, she's trans, pretty cool B) Now, as for interacting with her in the current timeline of the blog (pre-transition), it's best to still just use Art and he/him, solely because at 8 years old he's like "damn being a girl would be so awesome, too bad that's impossible" (if anyone wants to throw little asks at him about said topic tho to help him figure things the freak out, i cant stop you 😳🤭)

Anyway those are the basics (no pun intended), but if you guys wanna know more i will GLADLY tell little stories with them (idk about drawing them but i can write them 🤭!!) also feel free to use this knowledge as you wish, you can ask questions to them as highschoolers or as elementary schoolers, you can bring things up to try to figure out how they get for point A to point B.... all sortsa fun stuff!!! go go!! :D!!!