#idk if i have ocd actually. but i might‚ now that i think about it

[conjectureand-gloom]

here is your gentle reminder that you are not your thoughts

[asinglesock]

so uh

[barkingangelbaby]

venting so much i ran out of tags lmao

[e77y]

I SCHEDULED A PSYCHIATRIST APPOINTMENT 🧘‍♀️🌈✨🌱💫🌊

[caffeinatedopossum]

Events of last night:

Me: *crying*

My girlfriend: what's wrong?? :(

Me: *struggling to form words* intrusive thoughts are bad... I don't want to talk about them because then I'm scared that they're true and you might think I'm awful

My girlfriend: ah I actually get that. I have those a lot. It doesn't mean anything though, intrusive thoughts are just like dreams. Like the things you do in them aren't really things you want to do, it's just stuff your brain comes up with.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for moving a (small) table?

OK this is a pretty minor thing but I still feel a bit guilty about it. As of writing this Halloween was yesterday, and this took place on Halloween evening.

So, every year on Halloween my parents go to my sisters house to see my nieces, and I stay at their house to give out candy in the front yard. I like to have some fun with it, so I wear a little grim reaper costume, and use a 'spin the wheel' style randomizer app to tell visitors supposedly how they are gonna die.

(Except its all funny slapstick stuff, and I have a normal cute fortune telling option for the little ones)

This year I wanted to add to it a little bit, so I decided to wear my roller skates with my costume and do some dancing and tricks while people walk up to make them laugh. (I have been doing roller skating as a hobby most of my life)

While I was getting changed, my mom brought out the table for the candy and a chair out to the driveway, which was a very nice thing of her to do, and I thanked her, but explained that I was actually going to move it up to the porch since the driveway was slanted and I would just roll down it on my skates.

This is where some context is needed about my mom, she is a victim of brain damage twice over, and also has OCD. Relevant to this story, her specific brain damage means that she has trouble regulating emotions, as well as difficulty speaking. Her difficulty speaking leads her to becoming particularly frustrated when she feels like someone was not making an effort to listen to her properly or was ignoring her.

All this to say, when I said I was going to move the table, she said no,no, it has to be right here. Dont move it. I figured she had become "stuck" on this (it's a common type of thing that she does, although im not entiely sure how to explain it) so I just agreed to keep it there to her.

Still,though, I wanted to dance, so I figured there would be no harm in scooching the table up once my parents left, and brought it back before they came back. Except, they came back early, and my mom saw the table in a different spot and became very agitated with me for ignoring what she said.

And I do feel bad about it, because I did it anyway knowing that these things that might seem small to others really can bother her a lot, and she is particularly hurt when ignored. She's over it by now and i apologized, but I'm still thinking about it. Was I being an asshole? I did intend to put it back, I wasn't actually ignoring what she said, I was paying attention, I just wanted to be a little goofy for the kids while she wasn't there anyway. Idk.

What are these acronyms?

[popcornoncemore]

TLDR: Basically, I have no idea why but my brain decided that in order to cope, I would need Grantaire from Les Mis in my head bc I probably have an undiagnosed dissociative disorder or something

So idk what's up with me, but I deal with stress and trauma by dissociating and just kinda becoming different versions of myself? I'm hesitant to call it OSDD or anything, but I've been doing this for quite a while now and there are a couple consistent characters that help me live life. We're all simultaneously me but also kind of not and we feel different ways about things, have different skills, and we have different priorities. There's not really an inner world for me like many people I know with OSDD, but I do have a lot of conflicting thoughts and internal conversations. Hopefully that makes sense.

There's Dallas, who is adult me and who isn't afraid of confrontation or doctors offices. There's Cheesecake, who is kind of child me who helps me deal with trauma and interact with people. There may be a guy called Maximillian who helps with my OCD stuff but idk if he's really defined enough.

But for whatever reason, a couple months ago my brain decided that the way to deal with suicidal thoughts and stress for my future was by copy-pasting the fandom version of Grantaire from Les Mis into my head? Technically, he came with the name Blake, but internally is just called R for no reason and he's a dramatic af alcoholic. I have never had alcohol or any addictive substance (besides my caffeine addiction, which is much stronger when I'm R), but when I'm in that "mode" I just get tempted to go drink it off. It's funny because it actually helps because when we're him, it's easier to pretend not to give a damn about problems and also we don't care what anyone thinks about us. It's funny because I'll feel weird in a social situation and my brain copes by turning on chilled out alcoholic man with no filter.

Idk why I decided to post about this now lol, it's just a funny thing in my head. I don't understand what this is, but it's something I've lived with for a while and I know there are some other people with dissociative disorders in this fandom who might get a laugh out of my internal fanfiction insert

[system-of-a-feather]

Tagging @syscurse with this cause they seem to have more awareness of the final fusion "discourse" and I dont have a thesis statement or any real argument here beyond just casual discussion nor do I know if Im "strawmanning" cause I havent actually seen much of it since M&M's final fusion backlash (+ Im not trying to argue, just share thoughts)

But the common line of "Final Fusion isnt even worth it / isnt even good because you can always resplit" and what not is honestly fucked up and problematic to say in regards to a healing method but on a personal level didnt so much have anything to compare it to in order to highlight it

But as someone who has been working with OCD longer than DID and final fusion, its kind of like saying "Trying to resist / be free from doing your compulsions isn't even worth it because you can always get new compulsions or relapse, even if you free yourself from all the ones you have now, its not like itll stay that way"

Cause - and Im not sure how many chronic long term OCD folks are out there - but for cases like mine where its "high functioning" (ie constant but due to how its done it doesnt impact my day to day as much as it should) and long long long deeply rooted and untreated, a valid settling place for healing is to just integrate and adjust the compulsions to be less intrusive and focus on navigating obsessions and intrusive thoughts better

For some it might just not be worth the time and effort to actually fully stop all the compulsions entirely because - in our case - there are too many, its too deeply rooted in trauma and other disorders, and so reinforced that to do so would be a SHIT ton of work whereas usually we actually are pretty functioning

So if we were to put the community aspect the DID community has onto the OCD "community" then one could say there is "full remission" and "functional OCD" as recovery goals.

And as someone whose happily settled in functional OCD and currently really isnt seeking out full remission (as that would probably be after final fusion) its completely valid to say "Im happy with this level".

Much like DID and splitting though, the OCD brain even after healing is still a brain physically wired in an OCD way and inevitably you are always going to be prone to developing obsessions and compulsions. Does that mean working on freeing yourself from the ones you currently have is pointless? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Even if you have two weeks, two months, two years, twenty years, forty years and then "relapse" or whatever it is and end up gaining new obsessions / compulsions or splitting a new alter, obtaining that period of ideal and desired healing is an amazing thing.

Healing has ups and downs and works like a tide for almost every disorder and every version of healing. Its not a special thing about DID or final fusion, heck the claim could be made with functional multiplicity and dissociative symptoms and barriers coming back

Idk man, Im mostly rambling thoughts but TLDR healing is a rollercoaster, sometimes its a Disneyland ride sometimes its Six Flags, but there are ups and downs regardless of the disorder and version of healing for an individual and I really think its a bit of a negative nancy and a thought coming from a place of not understanding later stages of healing from people not quite there yet

Anyways, just rambles open mic to anyone who wants to ramble back

[trippin-over-my-fandoms]

So since I predicted that Sloane and Luther would get together from the day she was announced as well as a couple of scenes- I feel obligated to share w y'all my batshit crazy idea of what I thought might happen in season 4 and like now that we have TWO trailers why I think it might happen. In other words-

Me being delulu about tua s4 and y'all gotta deal w it

So my initial thought was that in this new timeline they are themselves slotted into lives they don't initially remember, that the longer they dwell in the timeline the more they remember and some come to accept. Up until the inevitable happens and the world is at risk again for whatever reason. However, saving the world means giving up these perfect lives for accepting their shitty dysfunctional reality to save each other. Because the more they stay and accept the more they lose of previous timelines.

I was gonna write a fanfic but then my resident evil obsession started and if y'all have read any of my fanfic y'all know my history with long-fics.

Why do I now think this could actually be the case you ask?

At the end of season 3 Luther takes off after our girl Sloane with Klaus following but everyone else is just so calm. Soooo which leads us to

Trailer 1

Viktor might own or work in a bar. Which the fact that he seems to be somewhat settled for sure tells us that some time has possibly passed between season 3 and 4

The sign says "home for wayward boys" implying that Allison may not have been in the group and maybe neither Viktor before the transition. I'm also wondering if now that his wife is back maybe in this new timeline they both fostered/adopted our main characters.

Oh yeah did I mention Reginald's moon wife is alive? His whole thing with the children was his alien (literally) way to save her. Now she's alive.

Allison is with claire so she also possibly has her life back.

Ben is getting out of jail and like it could be a "time has passed between seasons" thing or something happens in one of the episodes where he winds up locked up.

Diego is at a kid's party and either has his own kid or a niece or something. it's not claire and the family behind him is not his umbrella fam.

MY BOY IS SO SMALL ITS GONNA BE SO WEIRD SEEING HIM "NORMAL" THIS SEASON also he looks kinda sad. trailer two debunks what I initially thought of his reveal in this trailer because I thought oh haha what if it's a Halloween costume but like we'll get to my season 2 crazies hang in there.

Klaus is upside down in an interior (proven by the radiator) so he is either stuck, meditating, in a trance, or it's Sloane holding him there. I also kinda wonder if he's going through a clean streak or something OCD like with his addictions from the whole blue gloves thing. tbh i saw those in the promo and thought it was blue screen and his hands were gonna be effed up lol.

ben shouts "lets go kill this bitch" and allison corrects "this is a rescue mission" sooooooo is reginal and or his wife the bitch in question? and like sloane is the only one missing from our group so maybe she's the one being rescued? or maybe one of the new characters (like gene and jean).

which brings me to a theory I'll get to after my trailer break down and before the second breakdown.

side bar but the xmen stile jet is great lol

the subway is 100% a metaphor for the timelines AND that house diego and luther are at is the one from season two where they see reggie and grace at that party

the mind thingies in the blue room are so fucked up and i cant tell if thats sloane or wife hargreeves or a grace return in the bg but im wondering if it connects them to other timelines? Im wondering if the woman is sloane bc abigail has such curly hair but it does remind me of grace so idk.

upside down umbrella is insane okay

starting to think the jet might be flashbacks

A SPACE SUIT HAND REACHES INTO A RED FORCE SOMETHING FOR ANOTHER HAND AND SLOANE MAYBE????

fuck organization if you have read this far welcome to my brain- anyway- theory is that her place got swapped for abigail hargreeves' on the moon and now our beloved moon boy has to save her from that place. so symbolic.

now i was half put down a few shots later when we see victor emit a similar color power later but trailer 2 kinda backs some stuff up.

so trailer 2

opens with ben alone and confused and vicktor calls ben at the phone booth leading me to 100% believe they have split up again and have to find each other. very nostalgic of season 1 and 2

"there's something happening to you and it's only gonna get worse" so this is either about just ben OR its about all of them. either way ben did look confused so his eldritch horrors are either hulking out or he's losing memory chunks like my theory suggests. but it might revolve around ben bc vicktor specifically says "you" in the next time about the world ending.

(wondering if luther nervous farted in the car lmao)

Gene and Jean are possibly conspiracy theorists or agents posing as them but its interesting they are bringing attention to the altered timelines.

okay yeah world ending revolves around ben im tired okay and not proofing this you're stuck with my ramblings

the white violin is for sure abi hargreeves no doubt it doesn't look like sloane and plus the violin viktor got was bc reggie gave it to him that he got from his wife before she died okay. fanfic rn where viktor is the chosen child fanfic rn where abi loves all the kids fanfic rn where shes alive but shes just as much of a dick and we could have an epic trans story for viktor and expectations and yeah anyway-

whoever said it was jenny in trailer two i wanna kiss u on the lips ur prolly right and i love you for it

"ben died because we failed as a team" "and-" "and what" FOLLOWED BY LUTHERS CONFUSED FACE LEADS ME TO ONE OF TWO THINGS AND YOU ALREADY KNOW ONE OF THEM memory loss my beloved or something shocking occurs to him or like he seems something idk

more blue room stuff and uh maybe its not mind stuff maybe its power stimulation like what if they dont have their powers but ben does idk.

who TF is klaus digging up

OH GUYS NO I THINK LUTHER IS A MALE DANCER THATS WHAT THE SPACE SUIT IS IDK WTF IS THIS SHOW I LOVE IT

anyway they keep showing that one scene and like idk im delulu about sloane im so tired and i am not ready for this show to end in 8 days im sobbing y'all

[ruthlesslistener]

On the post about your dad, while I'm aware of the issues around the choice of words, I myself have NPD and pwNPD can ABSOLUTELY be abusive if we're not self aware or otherwise trying to change our behaviours. I do my best to steer away from being emotionally abusive towards my partners but there have been times where they had to tell me to back the hell off. Not just that, I have an uncle who is the DSM textbook version of a narcissist. I'm aware I might get bashed for this, but I don't really care.

yeah like the thing is that I don't believe that narcissist traits are inherently abusive, but in this specific instance they very much are. While narcissism has negative connotations, I see it as a neutral characteristic that people are just like...naturally prone to do. The reason why NPD is a disorder is because that trait becomes overexaggerated to the point of it being maladaptive to the person who's got it, but that doesn't mean that they're inherently dangerous or abusive. However, if they're allowed to go unchecked then they very much can be abusive. In the case of my father, they are. It's not 'he's abusive BECAUSE he's a narcissist', its 'his abusive behaviors are all derived from the fact that he think that he's the only person who knows how anything in this world works, and he becomes violent if he perceives that he's being contradicted or disrespected'. Like, he's flown into an outright violent rage before over me saying 'hi' to my birds when I got home from school instead of him. Doesn't matter that I saw them first while he was somewhere upstairs doing god knows what, it still ended with him screaming about how I'm a rude, disrespectful, ungrateful piece of shit and how he should kill them or sell them off so that I would 'prioritize my family', and any attempts at telling him he was way overblowing that just made him angrier. I couldn't give less of a lick of a shit if he felt that way but kept it down/backed off after I clarified, but he never did. Even gentle attempts at trying to explain that he was over the top was seen as disrespecting him and could trigger another rage. I know bc that's how most of our fights go lmfao

idk, I just don't believe that disallowing people to say anything negative about a stigmatized trait isn't actually helpful to dismissing that stigma in the first place. A good example that I can think of where I'm qualified to speak on it would be OCD intrusive thoughts. People woobified the shit outta them as being shit like 'jump off this cliff' instead of 'this person who you just met is going to rape you and you need to be prepared to gouge out his eyes to get away/ you can crush this infant's skull so easily, here let's go through a step-by-step- playthrough of how that would feel and sound and smell as you cradle them', and now when people with actual OCD go around talking about or depicting those intrusive thoughts through art or writing, we're labeled as dangerous psychopaths. When in reality, as long as nobody is going through with any of that shit, there's nothing actually dangerous or wrong about having them. It's the severity of the person's actions that matter over everything else.

[overelegantstranger]

madpunk inflected mental health and hearing voices talk under the cut

i've been thinking about the hearing voices thing. For a little clarity I'm going to define my terms. by "hearing voices" I'm meaning three things:

the near constant thoughts of "you should die, you should kill yourself, everyone would be better off if you weren't around" that happen on my period, and which always feel like they're coming from, if not literally outside my head, outside "my space" in my head. At at least one point, they felt/sounded like they were coming from a female, mother-y person, whose voice was very specific and distinct

the similar, but not identical, thoughts that can happen when i'm, or possibly Tank is, struggling with feeling angry or resentful or upset. The last time he experienced it, he described it as an internal radio he couldn't get away from, to the point of trying to physically block his ears and drown it out. These often start as like, for example, "I can't believe they would do that" and might be Tank's or my thoughts, and escalate until they become a "radio", causing feelings of anger and resentment that are disproportionate to the thoughts that either of us would have laid claim to

The having of at least two other people in my head who seem able to project thoughts to me. This one is, in a way, the hardest to identify, because I thought it was normal for a long time, and I don't precisely know how much internal dialogue is "normal" and how much is potentially included in "hearing voices". So say I might be saying in my head "I'm just feeling x, y, z" and then I might "hear" "yeah, because a, b, c", such as you might have when telling a friend what you're feeling. and sometimes these dialogues would confuse me, like, why am i having these "yeah, and" thoughts? it's just rephrasing what i JUST said, or put words on what was vaguely in my mind. But overall I thought they were just normal and maybe they are.

I've been thinking about all these, but particularly the first two. Initially I was looking into menstrual psychosis, because psychosis is a "scary", stigmatised term and I wasn't sure if I had discounted it because of stigma (context: I maybe have PMDD but the timing is always on my period, never before. But menstrual psychosis, while timed correctly, doesn't seem to match my symptoms).

And I just kept thinking. There was something about being at therapy on Monday, and being openly plural and talking a little about my childhood, and having my pluralness accepted as fact, that made me kind of see it from outside and think that this isn't really super "normal", like, idk.

I guess, because my mum has depression, that me developing an intense anxiety issue and even OCD, is "normal". I realise for most people this is an Issue, but for me, while it's scary and awful and disabling, That's Just What Brains Do. I have at least four generations of mental health problems on that side, you know? I have just sort of absorbed the idea of being mentally ill without it shifting my mental perception of myself, because to me, it was as natural as being blue-eyed.

But now, I'm beginning to both clearly see that firstly, my anxiety and ocd was not a forgone conclusion and not an unfortunate genetic side effect but instead a response to how I was raised and how fucked up my childhood was, and see that what I'm experiencing now is something that someone outside of me might call insane (no stigma necessarily intended; we're a madpunk household).

Like, I was, while living with my parents, actively experiencing symptoms that are socially a shorthand for "insane". I still am now but the point is that that was so invisible I didn't even recognise it for the potentially worrying symptom it was. And maybe in a clinical sense what I'm talking about Isn't really hearing voices. I don't really know. But the point is I'm finally seeing myself as actively, actually, mentally ill, due to largely avoidable incidents and patterns of behaviour from my caregivers, and that those patterns of behaviour have, and i'm using this language for emphasis, actually driven me insane.

[4ga1n5t-4ll-4uth0r1ty]

ive rummaged through my brain thoroughly and I believe i am pretty confident for what is going on /gen (this post is mostly for me, but can be helpful to others :] )

trigger warnings for below - suicide mention, sh, (y'all i need help with trigger warnings idk what to put and i don't want anyone to be hurt TT)

what i definitely might have

trauma that poses as factitious disorder

OCD - 100% - diagnosed, experienced since age 6

anxiety - 100% - diagnosed, experienced since toddler hood

depression - 100% - undiagnosed, experienced since this year (comes with suicidal thoughts !1! :D)

dyscalculia - 55% (im not sure. im told i have it by my psychiatrist and mother quite frequently, but i think im just bad at math. I've only exaggerated on it once, with me "switching around the numbers 6 and 7") - diagnosed, experienced since birth

PTSD - 100% - assessing, experienced since age 2, only found out this year

autism - 100% - verbally diagnosed, experienced since birth

ADHD - 100% - verbally diagnosed, experienced since birth

things i have faked

hallucinations - i do have them, just not to the extent i say. the fears that have emerged from them are real

ASPD - don't know why, the stigma surrounding ASPD is already horrible (which no one should go through simply because of their disorder, it's not right)

chronic fatigue - i do experience quite a large amount of fatigue on a constant basis, but not to the point of it being chronic and as serious as the condition. fatigue, chronic or not, is not 'laziness' and should not be labelled as such.

schizophrenia - i don't know when exactly it started, the hallucinations i would force myself to have started to actually happen though

^^ THERE ARE MORE, ITS JUST VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING RIGHT NOW AND I CANT THINK TT

one thing that makes me doubt things is the amount of disorders/disabilities that are labelled as 'what i definitely might have', so they may change. let me know if any of them don't work together and i will continue to look into my head. I want to stop lying

one thing i know for sure is that none of my experiences/stories are fake, so please don't take them as such

most of my vents are real and genuine, if i delete them, they either weren't or i was just embarrassed about my feelings

all the sh, meltdowns, shutdowns, stimming, and hyperfixations (can i call them that ? im not sure TT) are genuine

i am so so so so sorry to everyone i have lied to and manipulated

[basics-academy-yum]

Info dump about the students in high school. Do they go to the same one coincidentaly? Are they still in touch with the teachers?

prepare for an unskippable cutscene <3

SO SO SO SO SO!!!! Most of them do go to highschool together, considering they don't live to far from each other in the first place... And to answer your second question... yes. They are still in touch with the teachers. More than you might think :]

Playtime, Paisley, and Andrew (Baldi's son, for those unaware) honestly treat each other like cousins. Paisley's legal guardian is Micah, Playtime's stepdad is Prince... and Prince and Baldi are best friends, so those 3 are super close.

Paisley Playtime Andrew Art Billy

I'll give you little bio of each of them :]

Paisley - 15 (she/her) Super overprotective of Playtime. Stays out late hanging out with Andrew. She's finally on medication for her OCD so she rarely ever has hallucinations anymore!! Yippee!! She's pretty mature actually, for a 15 year old.

Playtime - 15 (she/her) Gonna be so real, puberty hits this poor kid like a truck, some days it takes ever fiber of her being to not curl up in her bed and cry. She's super studious and loves laying in bed watching magical girl anime. She's very into soft harajuku styles as well (like yume kawaii and a bit of lolita and stuff <3). She does get relentlessly bullied, but luckily she's got some pretty cool friends that tend to beat people up a bit too much–

Andrew - 15 (he/him) In a bunch of AP and honors courses and is burnt the hell out!!! He's pretty depressed and constantly beating himself up... Paisley will help him escape all the work and ruminations and just be a teenager sometimes. It's pretty awesome :D

Art Audrey- 14 (she/her) She's a very reserved art student, but believe it or not she's been managing her anxiety pretty great! She's been dating Billy, and boy does that kid have some enemies for protecting the LADIES in his life. Speaking of which...

Billy - 14 (he/him) He's still got anger issues, but he's learned how to be a lot more true to his feelings. Any time he sees his girlfriend or his childhood friend, Playtime, getting bullied, boy does he let them have it. Anyway, him and Audrey love to make comics and stories together, they have a huge universe with the craziest plot– it's super nifty 👍

Now I know what you're probably not thinking, but I've gotta bring it up. Playtime's bestie, 1st Prize!!! They stay best friends of course but... gosh, there's really no good way to put it. Philip (that's 1st Prize btw) passes away when he's about... 17. Playtime visits him all the time, of course. Some days she'll sit by his grave for hours, doing homework or telling him how her week has been or plots to her favorite anime... she'll also visit his mom sometimes and just hang out with her :]

Another big thing you've probably noticed is AUDREY!!!!!! Yeah, she's trans, pretty cool B) Now, as for interacting with her in the current timeline of the blog (pre-transition), it's best to still just use Art and he/him, solely because at 8 years old he's like "damn being a girl would be so awesome, too bad that's impossible" (if anyone wants to throw little asks at him about said topic tho to help him figure things the freak out, i cant stop you 😳🤭)

Anyway those are the basics (no pun intended), but if you guys wanna know more i will GLADLY tell little stories with them (idk about drawing them but i can write them 🤭!!) also feel free to use this knowledge as you wish, you can ask questions to them as highschoolers or as elementary schoolers, you can bring things up to try to figure out how they get for point A to point B.... all sortsa fun stuff!!! go go!! :D!!!

[aropride]

speaking of psychosis- i wasn't speaking of it here but i was speaking of it- i've been trying to figure out what was up with the great psychotic episode of freshman year, because i had assumed it was a trauma-induced psychosis type of deal, but it occurred to me that i was definitely having sort of thought broadcasting types of beliefs, probably some other stuff but i can't remember atm and don't feel like digging thru my old vent account lol. (ramble continues under the cut this got VERY long)

(line with text so tumblr doesn't eat the image. idk if it still does that but better safe than sorry)

(the months with "2" are split into first and second half of the month bc it was relevant, couldnt figure out how else to signify that succinctly)

i cut out the labels of each belief for safety + in case that's triggering to ppl but each row is a different belief i had that in retrospect was probably some sort of delusion? top two are very similar but different enough i tracked them differently. bottom two might have just been anxiety+ptsd but i do really think they're connected to this

it was definitely at its worst mid nov-end of jan, but started in september and didn't really let up til like june

anyway like i said i had assumed it was a combination of trauma and being off my meds and isolation that made the perfect situation for me to go fucking crazy, but i hadn't really thought about it that hard . but now that i Am thinking about it, again, i was definitely having these kinds of beliefs before The Trauma

and in my past self's defense. one thing about my thought broadcasting beliefs specifically was that i was straight up being essentially cyberstalked at the time and didn't know, so i was completely right that certain people knew more about me than i had told them, but i was wrong about the reason why

anyway i was reading up on schizospec disorders for class (kind of. also just for fun) -- also important context schizophrenia does run in my family i think on both sides? but my parents are weird about talking about it. so that's part of this also.

but i noticed that of the three labels i was looking at- brief psychotic disorder, schizophreniform, and schizophrenia- (i didn't look into schizoaffective bc i dont think i have many bipolar symptoms, and didn't look into stpd bc i don't think it counts as a personality disorder if it lasts like 10 months lol, and delusional disorder because i do think i had some negative*&cognitive symptoms (*psych term meaning absence of things present in nonschizospec people, not literally just bad symptoms lol)-- though to be fair, that may have just been a combination of situational aspects & autism?)-- either way, it's not on this beautiful and awesome diagram in mspaint i made so i could illustrate the timeline aspect of the diagnostic criteria:

bc a diagnosis of brief psychotic disorder requires symptoms to only last a month, and schizophreniform for 1-6 months, whereas schizophrenia is lifelong .

basically the problem is- while the worst part of my psychotic(?) symptoms lasted ~4months, they were definitely there in some form for around 10 months, which is too long for a diagnosis of schizophreniform, but i don't feel comfortable just, assuming it's schizophrenia lol, especially when most of the symptoms i experienced dont affect my life anymore? it does make me nervous though that this happened right around the typical age of onset.

this might just be a problem with diagnoses being too specific to cover the entire spectrum of human experience, and i might just be outside of any area where a specific label could be applied . also, i know it's been written about but not become an actual diagnostic label- but there are places where ocd and psychosis can over lap, and schizo-obsessive disorder has been suggested as a diagnostic label, but not officially used anywhere afaik..

i think my main concern at this point is just, whether or not i should be concerned about it coming back. like, is it possible to be in various stages of active psychosis(?? it still feels very strange to refer to it that way but i guess that's what it was, so) for ~4-10 months, and then just be chilling after. or should i be worried. was this a one-time thing starting because i was off my meds and being worsened by isolation and trauma or is there a possibility of this happening again. and i think that's a question that can't be answered with any certainty, probably

[horsetailcurlers2]

watching grey’s anatomy for the first time after only watching private practice: another long and obnoxious stream of my thoughts while watching (season TEN, bc i’m gonna keep doing these until someone tells me to stop)

-i guess we’re all just getting electrocuted now

-okay i never really got the mcdreamy thing to be honest but watching that man juggle…. yeah i get it

-changed my mind again he’s a stupid idiot

-cristina was really harsh but i think meredith is very much misunderstanding her point

-super random but is it weird that i kind of hate derek and meredith’s house? don’t get me wrong it’s objectively very nice but the vibes upset me. too many windows

-i adore halloween episodes. this is so fun. the musical score is insane.

-lots and lots of guest actors on this show have also been in mad men. maybe i’ll make a spreadsheet.

-a fork!!!!

-i like the OCD storyline it seems like they’re trying to do with bailey. at least so far. it’s the most interesting storyline she’s had in a while.

-arizona is kind of treating that resident girl horribly imo

-okay now meredith is just being purposefully obstinate with this whole christina situation

-so i guess we’re all just mouth kissing residents on the mouth now, huh?

-oh no i sense murphy might start to go a little off the rails

-there’s too much happening all at once! first of all, idk that i buy the chemistry between april and jackson enough for all the hoopla to make sense. second of all, i thought murphy would’ve been the one to go off the deep end. i totally should’ve foreseen ross having a breakdown. they’ve been sprinkling seeds. third of all, regarding obama just calling up derek…… okay i guess.

-NOW human resources chooses to actually involve themselves in this tomfoolery??

-the way that everyone in this show treats getting married like it’s just a fun thing to do on the weekend is driving me nuts. bc duh, jackson and april!!!!! duh you should have talked about how you want to raise your kids before you jumped into this!!

-“it’s not as if i’m insensitive to deaf culture or anything. i just think [something that is completely insensitive to deaf culture]”- jackson avery

-amelia!!! (side note i never noticed this but the shepherd sibling casting is so good. they have like the exact same eyes)

-BURKE?????

-i forgot how much this man pisses me off bc he’s comparatively much better than owen

-this scene is so interesting and part of me really wants cristina to take burke’s offer but i’m so distracted by the slow dad rock cover of “like a virgin” that they’re playing in the background. wild choice

-i will miss yang terribly but i think this is the right choice for her character

-“don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. he is very dreamy but he is not the sun. you are.” !!!!!!!!!!!! sobbing

[caffeinatedopossum]

Me: well I don't have any counting compulsions

Also me: (anytime I have to count anything) *recounts it at least 3 times because I think I counted it right... probably. but now I'm not sure and I have to check*