#idk i've been thinking a lot abt trauma recently bc i have to and i feel like i'm unlocking shit abt myself

[ex-furry]

hiiii i don't think i've seen you on my dash in a long time but wanted to say i hope you're doing well

hiiiiii ty this is so sweet 💓 i've been doing pretty well, just focusing on getting my new cat acclimated to our house and the dog (queen has conjunctivitis though 💔). for some reason i stopped scrolling tumblr around the time i was having panic attacks that felt like heart attacks and didn't even start again once i was put on propranolol. ptsd brain has been bad recently too but we push through 💪

i haven't been online though and i want to be included and say. you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum(s) where they raised me

[lilacandladybugs]

Hi Lilac!!

I know you’ve said stuff about being able to ask abt your stance on God and religion before and I hope that’s still okay (if this is smth you don’t want to answer, I take absolutely no offense to that and don’t want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable). I’ve recently been not in church and I think it’s kind of been for the better? (My church has become a mega church over the years and I’m really not about that, and also I grew up in youth group which I think had its own issues). Anyway, I’m glad for the separation, but I feel like I kind of don’t know what to do with my faith outside of the church setting? I was wondering what you do to practice religion without attending church or like, how you maintain that connection with your faith

Oh yeah! I took that out of my bio bc I have been off and on been having a really hard time and my religious trauma has been flaring up but I'm still active on @in-the-whisper occasionally. No worries about asking though, if I am too tired it will just dissolve into my ask box ;--; I do really like to talk about it though and this is something I've dealt with a lot!

I mean if you can find a church or a bible study that you feel safe in that's really ideal imo, but I have really bad religious trauma and haven't consistently attended church in.. like ~5 years. Which really upsets me but I'm just not in a position to attend right now w my mental health condition. But also I think not going to church is sometimes valuable. People are scared to say that but if going to church is actively harming you, or it is something that is obviously not bringing you closer to God, then yeah don't go and don't feel like a bad Christian for it. Rest :) it will be okay. That used to be really hard for me but I've mostly come to terms with it, idk it's still hard. But it's been healthier for me.

I kind of see God in everything. Sitting with my lneighbors cats by a pool, and watching the sunset, and talking to my friends are all expressions of the love of God. I've been having a hard time with God recently and go back and forth on how much I can handle but I used to have a really good habit of just saying a quiet thank you in my head whenever something like that happens and I think keeping an open line of prayer communication can be really healthy

I've found reading fantasy novels to bring me closer to God. A lot of fantasy has moral values that can help me at least start thinking about God if nothing else, they often make me remember why I believe in God in the first place. Namely that life is sacred and valuable and people are worth loving. Those are ideas that are represented in a lot of fantasy and that helps me think of God and pray.

This is going to sound weird but I have to be really careful with the Bible and praise and worship music bc both can be really heavy and bring up upsetting memories for me. If you can, I do recommend reading the gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John) and focus on Jesus' words because he is the clearest representation of God's character since he's like literally God. But the Bible is difficult to read by yourself and disconnected from the greater body of Christian literature that's built up over the centuries it can be hard to interpret. I have to save reading the Bible for times when I have the energy to dig in and research and ask hard questions. Psalms is easier bc it's poetry so you could probably also start there

I try to meet with friends and talk to them about God, if you have Christian friends or family you could have bible study with them, or just a time to visit and think about God.

I like Christian philosophy. Two of my favorites are GK Chesterton "Orthodoxy" and CS Lewis "Mere Christianity". Orthodoxy is kinda dense but Mere Christianity I find interesting and it just helps me think about God. I also sometimes like doing planned Bible studies but some are better than others. I did "Armor of God" by Priscilla Shrier a few years ago, I don't remember everything about it and I probably didn't entirely agree but I found it generally pretty good.

I listen to music about God that isn't praise and worship. I've been listening to a lot of half alive, my favorite is Creature which makes me feel like a believer. Here's a post with some song suggestions and a link to a playlist my sister and I made together. (x)

I think one danger of not having a church is a gap in theology, so if you have time or energy you can listen to podcasts on the Bible, church history, Biblical interpretation. If that's something you're interested in I can link to one I like, but I'll have to go find it (you can dm me about it ofc). The other danger is losing contact with Christians in general, so making sure you have Christians checking in on you or people to talk to is a good idea.

Lmk if that helps or if you have more questions, and I keep a list of my posts on my other blog so that might have some helpful resources too :)

[celestialmancer]

Y’know come to think of it 

With how I’ve spent all my life going through literal hell & back...

Being judged over any oc/self insert x canon shit rly is just the least of my worries lmao

[captainshyguy]

sorry i’ve been so Dimentio On Main recently hjfdjlkhjff 

[olwolo]

Stayed up a bit later after finishing my studying to catch up with the last Quackity (and wilbur and tommy lol) stream I missed and OH GOD. You're so right and like the thing about worrying if he's being genuine with phil is exactly what I feel with tommy right now. It's so weird bc after that first stream I was so sure he was just manipulating him but them c!wilbur is like begging for tommy to not leave him in the recent one and I HATE believing that for even a second. It sucks bc it's exactly what you said like c!wilbur is so fucking calculating around everybody now you can see him stop to listen to what ppl say and thinking before speaking up and that terrifies me lmao it's so great. C!wilbur is DEFINITELY picking up to Tommy's weakness (or strength in my opinion lol) in trusting the ppl he care about too much and you can see like moments tommy says things that shows how much he matured after wilbur died and the way the bastard keeps being able to convince him is driving me crazy lmao but yeah I guess those are my thoughts about that last stream (had to catch up for techno lol) there's also like tnt duo back and just, everything. I'm loving it. Remember we spoke already about their interactions being interesting bc of the contrasting opinions? We're so right and that stream was way better than I expected lmao I can't WAIT to see what they are doing next tbh also bc I really missed wilbur streams UGHHH he's so great, so great.

About the whole pit thing yeah dream smp storytelling might had helped that a bit considering I was a lot on techno side, seeing wilbur just crazily insisting for him to give tommy a lesson lol (or it seemed like one, back then) but after that I kind of understood the fact that wilbur was always very aware of his downfall ig so I completely agree with you !! and the thing abt tubbo forgiving techno is just SUCH a tubbo thing!! I've seen ppl say that he shouldn't have forgave him that easily but dude the way I see that is exactly like tommy said once, c!tubbo has a thicker skin than his. C!tubbo is such a resilient character even though you can like feel his hesitation in talking with techno when he visited snowchester!! He moves on even if shit happens and he doesn't quite understand or forgive them and I'm pretty sure that's one of the things he differs the most of tommy, who's like way more emotional (positively lol) like you said!! It's just ugh I love it. 🧨 btw the emoji keeps being a great choice considering the rivalry between tnt duo is what kept me up til 2am now lol I'm really excited ok!!

the whole situation with c!wilbur is so interesting and i can't wait to see how it develops further. the 'you weren't here for a long time' line from tommy hit so well because it's true, like he wasn't here for so many important moments after his death and so many things changed and i really want to see it explored more. and the tnt duo interactions were so good!! just two people who's greatest weapon is using their words going against each other. absolutely love it. just get c!tommy out of there and let him chill in snowchester or something, he's been through enough.

and tubbo!! he is such an interesting character. idk how coherent i will be about this but just i always found it interesting how he was ready to forgive techno after the festival, even sympathizing with the situation. he overall showed this trait of wanting to avoid conflict the best during his time as president with the rules and laws he instilled in new l'manburg and it's what made him vulnerable to c!dream's manipulation during that period too. and i feel like that need to ensure safety to those around him and not really holding grudges against people like techno or phil (he even admitted to not really wanting to kill techno during the execution on a recent stream with philza) stems from him bottling his emotions and trauma? idk how intentional this is but the way he rarely adresses what happened to him yet shows instances of everything still affecting him really gets me. like he never told ranboo where his scars came from, one of the first things he did as the president was ban any destructive weapons but still planned to store them as a deterrent (very reminiscent of the nukes situation), the overall cracks in his front showing how he has no confidence in himself during the exile arc or how content he was with dying in the disc war finale (just overall i love how he's portrayed during his time as president, there are so many good moments there). i feel like because c!tubbo bottles up so much the only thing he feels like he can do is move on and try to create a safe environment for himself and when those bottled up things come up to the surface he has no idea how to face them so it just festers inside him. and so he moves on, he forgives and he acts like everything is fine. he was hurt so many times it feels like he has to be resilient at this point.

[gaymedievaldruid]

I'm not gonna answer all of these, but it's a rlly good excuse to talk abt my wips!

This is a Very Long post, and i don't actually expect anyone to read it, I just want to talk.

I have four wips, one semi-perminantly abandoned (maybe until I get inspiration back but eh idk), one that I last touched a few months back, and two which I've been hyperfixating on recently and I think have just gotten off the high from.

They're all fanfic, so in regards to some of the questions above eg. do you hope your works will become famous; no. No I do not. If I get any attention for my scribbles, I will combust. Anyways, my four wips are- a hp fic in which padfoot gets overly paranoid abt what happened to Harry and escapes early, sorta just running up and down the country until he finds him. He does, and stays as a dog as Harry manages to distance himself from the Dursleys. I got to the train and stopped. Don't know if I'll ever get back to this one, during the hiatus was when all the jkr transph*obic stuff came out and it's killed the wind

The second one is for Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch as a no magic AU! Very depressing, fittingly written in the midst of major depression, but I'm enjoying these characters finding each other and helping each other heal from grief, depression, addiction etc

The third and fourth ones are both for TCB's Spies Are Forever, because it is my favourite, and I love it. One is Curt Dies, Owen survives and (typically) blames himself but in the "it's his fault but I could have done something" way. Curt goes on to become the DMA, Owen goes on to avoid America at all costs BC Trauma! His first mission back on American soil features Tatiana being a badass, Owen kinda sorta being a better spy than Curt (okay but curt left spying for four years and Owen didn't), and Owen being kicked out of the CIA for vague treason reasons. Also they kidnapped Barb because she deserves to be part of the story. They're currently going to Monaco as I decide if I want these two spies to be Very Dumb, or out of character.

You can tell which ones I've thought about recently.

The other SAF fic is a private one, but one that I want to talk abt because it's very close to me and also no one can stop me. If anyone was part of the old Spies discord a few years back, you might remember a quarantined offshoot server about Mad King Owen. Not a lot of people liked MKO, but I love it! The Symbolism the Worldbuilding the Characters the Vibesss. Many headcanons were created there which I unashamedly use in my own SAF stuff.

Anyways this fic is a Spies Are Forever crossover with Mad King Owen (saf! And MKO!curt got swapped, the characters have no clue how it happened and neither do I). Literally nobody else is interested in this concept and yet here I am. This is also a Barb-heavy fic because her friendship with Curt is important to me as a trans ace individual. At the moment I have bare minimum ideas about plot, mostly just DMA doing science stuff and being an absolute riot, Curt trying to play with Wocka (SHOUTOUT TO WOCKA!!!) and Barb being awesome.

Right! That's 1) done. The rest of this will probably just be me addressing points that I can talk abt.

Scenes that I can't be arsed to get to? Jokes on you if you think I'm bothering to think abt that. I write the scene/dialogue/sentence and go from there. Minimal plot, minimal brainpower.

Not currently part of any of my wips, but I love writing TSS Janus! He's a lil angsty, but he is hurt from the split and trying to manage his anger and grief in a healthy way. Although MKO DMA comes in a close second. He's v Mysterious, never quite making it through a plan without some improv and drama and I can vibe. I never write his POV though, only other people (Inc. Wocka) seeing him do stuff.

I love Barb, but I don't really identify with her. I'd honestly have to say MKO Curt, because we have the same monkey brain energy. Also neither of us understand social cues.

I write either incredibly long sentences with multiple commas, too many clauses, and more triplets and metaphors than you can shake a stick at, or. Incredibly short ones. That make no sense on their own. Because they're cut halfway through by full stops.

Pfffft planning never heard of her

Title is definitely the hardest! I can do a summary no problem, tags i need to write as I'm coming up with the fic, but titles. Never. Come to me. Aagrhsodhbdisbajgshaghgg.

Do I reread old works? Yep, mostly to find where I left my most recent work. My fics are separated into docs by fandom, not into their own individual doc. It makes it harder <3 but is also good for giving you plot bunnies Abt where the unfinished ones might go, whichay or may not inspire me to write.

Gotta go figure out how to to a keep reading break on mobile, but other than that and the tags, i think that's it!

If you really want to, I'm gaymedievaldruid on ao3

Fun meta asks for writers

Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

What character that you’re writing do you most identify with?

What character do you have the most fun writing?

What do you think are the characteristics of your personal writing style? Would others agree?

Is what you like to write the same as what you like to read?

Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?

How would you describe your writing process?

What do you envy in other writers?

Do you want your writing to be famous?

Do you share your writing online? (Drop a link!) Do you have projects you’ve kept just for yourself?

At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)?

Tried anything new with your writing lately? (style, POV, genre, fandom?)

Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?

Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (favourite verb, something you describe ‘too often’, trope you can’t get enough of?)

Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

What other medium do you think your story would work well as? (film, webcomic, animated series?)

Do you reread your old works? How do you feel about them?

What’s the story idea you’ve had in your head for the longest?

Would you say your writing has changed over time?

What part of writing is the most fun?