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malboroniights · 4 years ago

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Downfalls High

Thoughts? feelings?

I’m gonna put a read more on this for people who don’t want to read all my opinions. I will resume my regular shit posting and fic writing soon enough. I just need to talk about it.

Also this ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would be.

I’ve only watched it through once. But I'm gonna watch through again while I write this out so that I don’t miss anything I wanted to talk about.

So from the intro alone it wasn’t what I was expecting this isn’t a negative, just not a conventional movie. More like a short/indie short with a bigger budget than a standard indie. The end of Colson's monologue also doesn't add up to the ending of the film. But like it's a vibe so we move.

Why is this on Facebook at 1080p at best?, sound quality is so compressed on Facebook. Here's hoping they put it on youtube at least in 4k.

title track - I love this song so much. Still remember my first listen and being blown away by it and this part of the movie does it so much justice to be honest. Big up title track!

The transition into '8 months earlier' is so smooth, props to who decided on it.

kiss kiss - good intro to the characters. Colson playing the guitar out of the van window had me dead :')

some dialogue! Also Sydney Sweeney we already been knew she is an amazing actress but she was sick in this. Chase Hudson did really well in this actually, I know he gets a lot of shit from coming from TikTok and things he's said in the past. Always hold people accountable but let them try and be better.

drunk face - really like how they did the sound mixing on this one so it wasn't a direct copy from the album. The Travis and Colson visuals for this one were great Idk I just liked it. Cute part of the film + the song just made this part *chef's kiss* VHS parts felt like they fit the vibe more here than on kiss kiss.

bloody valentine - at this point I was hoping for more speaking parts but then bv kicked in. I wish they either had more time or turned it into a series maybe? IDK the idea of the story is right there be perfect for a series. Visuals on Colson and Trav again perfect on this one, happy Slim and Baze were in on this one too. I think Baze and Slim being in this one is making it feel more like a show and missing me live music so much rn.

body bag - Okay so I got a little excited when the track started because I wasn't sure whether they would include songs off Sold Out, to be honest, but they did so v. grateful. This scene definitely went too quickly into another song though. More speaking pls.

forget me too - mohawk kells mohawk kells mohawk kells! - The reverse effect at the start was really smart. This part was slightly confusing at first cause they were fighting so I thought maybe she's told him she was pregnant. What a dick response but no she hadn't told him yet so just didn't make a lot of sense to me. Would have been cool to see the characters actually at/on the rink while they performed kind of like title track where it's like they're almost not really there.

all i know - Mod's cameo! The visuals of Colson and Trippie were good until the parts on the backlot, I feel like this just took you out of the movie. Like I get it but nah this one was my least favorite 'visualizer'. Loved Trippie's isolated vocals over the Sidney buying the guitar scene though.

lonely - AHHH this song, man think I cried the first 5 times I listened to it and when he played it live at the Roxy. The visuals for this one were perfect. VHS parts fit really well again here. "When the high runs out the downfall is inevitable." AHH so good just nothing bad to say about this part tbf.

WWIII - They hadn't location or time marked any other part so felt odd to add it at this point and also never do it again. Landon is basically mini Trav same facial expressions and everything thought it was sweet they put him in. Plus his acting was good. This is my go-to end of the week leaving work song. I know people have a lot of shit to say about this song online. But you have not lived till your going home fast in your car screaming this song.

hangover cure - another amazing song from Sold Out. Just vibin.

concert for aliens - okay actually really liked this scene besides people throwing up(?) in the visualizer part with Colson and Trav. Idk just weird I'm like scared of throwing up, cool Lil Aaron cameo tho.

my ex's best friend - no major thoughts just vibin.

split a pill - AHH this song, gutted only a background song tbf. It deserves all the love and more.

jawbreaker - alls I can think about is the serious clown lung they both must have after filming with all the flour :')

nothing inside - on the second watch I'm more confused at what Fenix is even doing. But loving Iann and Colson's visualizer. Okay, just a small breakdown guess he's okay now. To not have Fenix lip-sync to the "I'm running low on serotonin..." line was missed drama imo.

banyan tree interlude - beautiful. Don't you love that Megan wrote this? I do. But the pillow and blanket - bro - like I'm sad but got to be cozy right? :') also why not cut out the 'same' iykyk.

play this when i'm gone - 10/10 monologue. Honestly wasn't ready for it to end tho.

Wasn't what I expected but honestly, it's so sick. Very grateful for Colson and Mod and anybody else who worked on it, because no matter what I've written above about not liking or understanding certain parts I did love it. It's a crime we haven't got to see these songs performed in person yet.

if you’ve read this far, hi :)

also if you want to talk about it drop me a message

#downfalls high #mgk #modsun #machine gun kelly

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dominicvail · 5 years ago

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Hey! Random question for you: How do you decide if/how you're gonna crop the gifs you make when putting together a set? I struggle so bad with the aesthetic elements of building a set it ends up discouraging me from finishing them most of the time.

I get the feeling anon, i struggle a lot with certain types of sets Still, which affects what i end up making A Lot. And i’ve only been making gifs for lol, 6 years, yikes? I tend to stick to what i Have learnt these days. But, anyway.

I mostly think that the aesthetics of what you’re giffing depend heavily on how you should decide to crop it to fit on here.

I don’t know what kind of sets you make? Because I make like, gifs of scenes very differently to something i make just for the sake of it being pretty.

I personally have preferences for what dimensions i think look best for certain types of gif sets on tumblr, i do not Usually ( i make exceptions) stray from these, and the dimensions have an effect on your cropping.

Say like, [This] set, the dimensions i used were 268x180 which is my preferred choice for either 6 gif set or an 8 gif set formatted like this and if i don’t use those dimensions, it’s because i had a good reason not to.

Typically, face close ups in sets like this look Far better than like, a shot in the first gif of that set with half of granger’s body in the shot. This isn’t because head shots look better in gifs, it’s because head shots remove a Lot of the background which is what, 9 times out of 10, is what is messing up the aesthetic of a gifset. Also, an aside, try not to have dialogue cover anybody’s face, sometimes with already close up shots it’s impossible to avoid, but if your text is obscuring somebody’s face, you’ve cropped too much off.

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Backgrounds are often messy, busy, and eye drawing. If you’re making edits just for the sake of being pretty, negative space is your best friend, i really can’t emphasis that enough. I think people think it’s what’s In your gif that will make an aesthetic set look pretty, but i personally think it’s in how you use what it Not there.

'what is not there’ also applies to shadows on negative space backgrounds, you Really need it to look as plain as possible, imo, take this gif for example;

Without edits, the plain wall behind the height chart was heavily shadowed, i used brightening techniques to remove the harshest shadows and also cropped it so the gif was thinner b/c the shadows were darkest at the far corners of the gif. It’s not a major edit, but the effect it had on the set it was in was Massive. It went from ruining the look of what was a ten gif set to fitting in perfectly and it was such a small, simple thing to edit.

Also, for examples of how different a seemingly plain background shot can look with and without editing, This;

and

(the over exaggerated white was for Aesthetic reasons, i wanted it to look weirdly coloured, the bg was empty anyway) but this same shot looks totally different when i remove the small lines from the elevator he’s in that i left there in the top gif. His malevolence levels shoot through the roof. Just simple things like that can entirely alter the look of something.

I don’t have an example of this next technique with that specific G shot, But with some scenes like the above it would be possible to crop it in as close as the second gif has been, then increase the canvas size again and just paint on the same bg colour as the bg behind him and you’d have a panoramic gif with an entirely negative space bg without it even looking like you’ve even edited it.

i did that here, kinda:

I cropped the bottom of the gif off because originally there was a Lot more mountain on it, and added to the canvas at the top of the gif, and just coloured the blank canvas the same colour as the rest of the sky and presto! i have a Ton of more negative space and it took me like a minute. You can use the same technique for width as well as height, this was just the first gif i’d found.

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anyway i went on a tangent, but dimensions;

for 2 gifs in a set, if they’re face close ups i’ll for them side by side and like, rectangle, you can do them square but i just think it looks better if they’re higher than they are wide, i don’t always use the same dimensions for the height of these types of sets, just what i think looks best for the scene.

if it’s more of a view than a close up for 2 gifs, i’ll do one gif on top of the other, Usually if i do it like this it’s specifically to showcase a view, so i probably won’t crop the scene at all for this type, and just resize for tumblr, but if i do it will be to crop out a network logo but i’ll leave the gifs as large as i can do so while taking it off. If possible i will paint over a logo, so if the logo is over a bit of screen that’s just one plain colour it’s easy to obscure, but otherwise its a crop. If i ever leave a logo on, it’s b/c i had no choice because i Hate leaving logos on.

for sets of 4, like, dialogue scene gifs e.g. this one [here] the traditional square 268x286 is best, tbh. However, for that set there, not sure if this counts as cropping but it is aesthetic, in the show the shots were eric, nell, nell, eric. Because, in that format, doing it that way would have had them looking Away from each other in the bottom two gifs, i switched them around in the set and it looked So much better. When possible, always have people physically speaking to each other in gifs actively face each other. Sometimes this involves flipping the whole gif which i Try not to do because our brains are trained to look at these people through a backward lens, so when you flip it over we think it looks weird because very few people Actually have perfectly symmetrical faces so like, they look Wrong to us. But looking a little wrong normally looks less weird than having people insets face the totally wrong direction.

for 10 gifs, displayed 2 by 2, i will not make them as high, 10 gifs of 268x180 is too long, it looks weird, and even shaving 10px off each gif makes it look more aesthetically pleasing.

for gifs displayed one on top of the other with text over, where you have a lot of them, they look better thin, i usually use somewhere between 230-245px for each gif’s height. Like this one.

if you’re making Huge gifs like... 540x440px for Aesthetic reasons, that Can work really well but is Exceptionally difficult imo and i really can’t offer any advice or tricks because i am hopeless at it.

On of my other tricks of the trade is, when i see a scene i think will make great gifs in the caps i’ve taken for something, i will save the caps. Like, that G moment of him looking into the camera, i took caps of the scene for a specific reason, deleted the rest of them when done, but saved those ones away. Scenes with minimal background that Also contain a look into the camera are Rare, exceptionally good looking on edits, and u will never remember where they are in the show if u delete them lol. So if you find shots you love, keep the caps! reuse them! to this day, i’m the one one to ever call myself out over excessive reuse of the same shots over and over.

Also, zig zags and diagonals are more attractive visually. like, this is from my main but i can’t fine one off this blog atm, but [this] You see how i’ve made this so your eyes flow in a seamless diagonal downwards? You eyes don’t flit back and forth in 3 different directions, it has a flow to it. The first shot on that set isn’t actually like that in the show, her face was on the right side of the screen, i cropped off everything on the left, added to the canvas on the right and used the wall she was standing next to to make it less obvious i cropped it so dramatically to achieve that. You can only really tell if you’re looking for it in that one. But like, if you can crop something so the gifset has a decent flow to it, so your eyes slide over it rather than attempt to look in 6 directions in jerky moments, it helps a lot. I did the same thing with this one, [here] every gif on that is cropped into a different angle as it was on the show.

This works specially well when you have a lot of gifs in your sets, which is where the zig zag thing comes into it, like, those 2 i linked two didn’t last long enough to zig back, but if i’d done another 2 gifs on there, i’d have put it back so your eyes slid back to the left side again. Can’t find an example rn, it’s Hard to do the more gifs you have, but pull it off and it looks really good.

however, if you Can make each gif centered perfectly it looks Really cool but it’s really hard to do b/c show content just.. isn’t great sometimes. But it looks so cool.

tldr: Negative space is Super Important!!! backgrounds can be super eye grabbing and you don’t want that, choose your dimensions well, make sure you make peoples eyes flow across your work rather than dart.

idk, i hope this made sense, but making things look aesthetically pleasing is Really hard and takes a lot of work, it just looks like it should be easy, it’s not you finding something hard that other people seem to find super easy, it’s not easy, it involves a lot of tricks and editing that you Have to obscure because if it’s too obvious it doesn’t look attractive. A lot of work goes in, if i had my way i’d make mostly aesthetically pleasing edits but it’s too hard and i don’t have that kind of time. I hope this helped in some way?

#ask #anon #anonymous #editing #idk #i;m not super good at explaining things #Anonymous

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cynmoon · 7 years ago

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I watched the episode and I regret most of my seconds of it. Reactions under the cut. They are hella negative. It’s basically a giant post of me raging. Scroll on.

The acting is painfully bad rn. The only person killing it is Andrew West. He’s good. Damn good.

SERIOUSLY THE ACTING IS SO BAD, it hurts. I’m in pain.

Damn they’re getting bloody with the sword stabbing now.

I’M SO GLAD I KNOW WHAT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING WITH EMMA BECAUSE IMPLYING SHE’S DEAD IS THE WORST

Mekia Cox is also killing it.

Idk what is wrong with everybody else. Why are they having such a hard time? Especially Robert. I may not like Rumple, but Robert is usually flawless. Did he take a Shatner acting class over the summer? This is painful to watch, guys. Why am I doing this to myself???

Um, that is clearly a plastic shoe. That isn’t even remotely glass.

I HATE OLD HOOK SO MUCH. ALSO SOMEBODY FIRE THE MAKE-UP ARTIST

Colin this was not your finest acting hour.

The ships on Adult!Henry’s wall are giving me emotion.

I don’t even know what Weaver and Rogers are supposed to be doing, but I kind of want them to make-out *shrugs*

Robert, can you be a little more consistent with your accent? I don’t mind the new one, but stick with it.

Tiana and Adult!Henry are the only good things about this show, but not enough for me to actually watch it.

SERIOUSLY STOP IMPLYING EMMA DIED, IT’S NOT FUNNY

HOW DO THEY NOT REALIZE THAT’S NOT KILLIAN I HATE EVERYTHING

Sneak Peek. EMMA TIME! Emma. EMMA. EMMMMMMMMAAAA. *cries*

Why would she not go after him? That doesn’t make sense?

PICK A FUCKING ACCENT, RUMPLE, I STG

Colin, my dude, this is... i can’t... you can do better. That’s all I have to say.

I don’t even care remotely care about the present day scenes. I don’t. I’m trying but I don’t.

I don’t like this very much either. I can’t tell if Colin is just having a hard time because he doesn’t have anybody to act with, or if he just genuinely hates the script (not that I blame him, the writing is pretty awful) but I know he is SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS

Someone write the obvious threesome

I’m so bored by the modern day stuff. SO. BORED.

EMMA IS BACK ON MY SCREEN AGAIN <3

ALL OF THE SWAN BELIEVER FEELS. ALL OF THEM. I FUCKING CAN’T HANDLE IT.

Ew. This is awful though. No. “Yeah, just head off with the Killian that up until 2 hours ago was totally planning on murdering your step-dad and raping me. I can’t imagine what could possibly go wrong.”

Wait, did they even explain the lack of age difference? I feel like they didn’t. Did I miss it with all the cringing?

*CRIES BECAUSE I’M LITERALLY WATCHING CAPTAIN SWAN LEAVE MY LIFE FOREVER*

I NEEDED MORE. SO MUCH MORE. I WASN’T READY.

Wait, if there are illustrations of Emma in that book, wouldn’t there be illustrations of Killian? He didn’t think it was weird his own face was in there?

HOW WAS THAT EMMA’S LAST EPISODE???? HOW WAS THAT CAPTAIN SWAN’S LAST EPISODE???? HOW????

#ouat negativity #negativity #negative #ouat rage #I CAN NOT POSSIBLY TAG THIS MORE #ouat #ouat spoilers #07x02

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fishtalking · 7 years ago

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as always I’m thinking too much and need to get it out of my brain already before I explode

I really need to call the therapist tomorrow bc I just need to get perspective on this? and I don’t want to tell my friends about this anymore. I feel insufferable bringing it up w my church friends and I don’t think I can ever tell riel about this unless.. idk. even if kiba was ok w it would I tell them? it doesn’t seem like kiba told riel anything so idk

I feel bad for not really being able to be honest with riel or kiba anymore. especially riel. I feel like there was something like very open honesty when I first became friends w riel bc I was also going thru kiba problems and being able to commiserate w them about it helped. we meshed so well and then as kiba and I got closer ig I didn’t feel right about that anymore? I wanted to keep us drama free as possible but mmgh.. as always I just forgot how they have feelings too. I should know how worrisome things are if you lack information and yet I just did the same thing

and the thing is that I really want to talk about it! not the Incident but like. in general. I hope to god that riel doesn’t feel like I’m just talking to them now bc I don’t have kiba to talk to. I don’t ever want them to feel like I’m taking advantage of them. I don’t want to take advantage of anybody!! I want to be able to be honest with my friends and like. idk. share more of myself I guess. Friendship is give and take and I can’t offer to listen to anybody’s problems if I don’t make myself vulnerable either. I honestly know exactly what I need to dicuss with both of my friends. I need to talk to riel about kiba and about Us and I need to talk to kiba about just. the turmoil I’ve been going through I guess. something like that?

The things I need to talk to riel about: do they feel taken advantage of? Do they think I like kiba better than them? did they think we would get together? are they afraid they’ll get left behind? am I being a bad friend.

I always want to get closer to riel but I really do wonder if I like kiba better sometimes. liking kiba better is.. not the right way to say it tho. they just require different energies. kiba can be easier to talk to just bc he’s fun and simple while riel can get real negative sometimes. but at the same time riel’s never made me feel real uncomfortable the way kiba can sometimes. we’re on the same page more often than not about how we feel about sex and relationships and friendships and stuff and it’s fun to know how similar we are and learn how different we are as our friendship develops. I can’t rly empathize w the parts of them that are suffering but I still want to be someone they can lean on for support. I want to be friends w them still and idk how it’s going to go if I eventually stop being friends w kiba bc of what happened. I don’t know how nervous they might feel about the fact that we’re taking a break or if they’re wondering about it at all. Somehow I don’t really know how riel feels about things and I’m ?? about how I should move forward. I don’t know if the wisest thing is to tell them I might not remain friends w kiba bc like. obviously.

I’m just apprehensive because I’ve already caused some rift between riel and kiba and I don’t want to be the cause of any more. when I first became friends w them I felt so safe because I figured I wouldn’t be that important to either of them? they would be best friends w each other and I’d be someone fun they’d talk to every once in a while. I wouldn’t have to compete for anything bc there would be no competition. now I’m.. something else. maybe I’m arrogant for thinking that but still. I’m in unfamiliar territory again and I can’t say it doesn’t scare me.

I don’t want the only reason I consider riel to be out of guilt bc I think about kiba more. I want to be a better friend for them

it’s funny I should feel that same pit of the stomach feeling when they talka bout friends they’re closer to than we are but I should just see it as the friendship stability thing again right? but I’m not sure if it’s rly the same.. maybe it is

it’s funny how riel still manages to be more honest about their feelings than kiba, who’s still much more honest than I am

Things I need to talk to kiba about: god so many things. too many things. guilt. our friendship. pulling the stops if it comes down to it. my own feelings about it? whether it’s fair to either of us to continue this

I miss him but honestly like.. how much do I really? it’s no lie that a lot of stuff about him made me feel deeply, deeply uncomfortable just purely in terms of sex alone. he’s.. idk if he’s stagnant rn but he’s definitely not in a place in life where he inspires me to work harder and grow the way riel does. I don’t feel like I’m talking to someone older than I am when I talk to him sometimes. he’s just.. really childish in a lot of ways and I need him to not be that way if we’re going to continue our friendship. I need him to.. not be him?? which lmfao is something I absolutely could not ask of anybody ever. even if he got a job and a car and whatever so what. I don’t want to stay with somebody whose maturity doesn’t grow. I’m plenty impulsive myself and I don’t need someone who exacerbates that me

honestly when I think about just not being friends w him anymore I feel such a sensation of relief that it makes me really wonder if it’s worth it to go on!! like ya I’d lose a lot but really I just want to stay friends w riel. but if I ended up losing riel.. ?? but like. idk. if I started to affiliate w so and so would it just get complicated. I don’t know!!!! it just seems like a fucking shame but I also can’t hold onto anybody just because I get annoyed at the apparent one-year expiration date on my friendships

I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. with luke I felt regret but not guilt. with kiba and riel I always feel guilt. guilt, guilt, overwhelming guilt, all the fucking time and I’m sick of it! I should be friends with my friends because I like having fun with them, not because I feel some weird obligation to be a good friend for some reason or another. when the hell did I become so guilt-ridden? it’s like I’m getting eaten up from the inside by piranhas or something. I’m going to get an ulcer from all of this

so if I continue being friends w kiba I don’t want to feel guilt anymore. I don’t want to feel guilt from myself and I don’t want to feel guilt from him either. I can’t stay in a friendship that’s steeped with guilt and shame all the time anymore. it’ll just tie us together in tangled knots in the worst ways possible and I won’t have any of that in my life anymore

I don’t like the path that we’re headed down if things continue the way they do. The weird kind of emotional codependency is definitely rearing its head and we need to pull a full stop if it does. I want to be honest!! I want to tell kiba exactly how I feel and break down why there is so much of this guilt with him. I want the words to come out of my fucking mouth instead of getting stuck in there like some fish bone in my throat. I’ll let him make his own decisions about how I’ve been feeling so far and I’ll let him as his own questions

I’m still not sure if full disclosure is the best way to go about it. despite everything I just don’t want to hurt anybody. I don’t want to tell him about these toxic thoughts I’ve had and have him hate me. I don’t want to tell him how school shit is still hanging over my head because I thought I would succeed but he ruined part of it for me. the college tuition. my efforts. I didn’t fucking study for it anyway and I gave up but I whether it was of my own volition is just up in the fucking air (but not really but maybe partly) and can I forgive him?? can I remain friends w him without forgiving him?? would it be fair to either of us (read: no, esp if I TELL him I haven’t forgiven him) but what is the right answer!! I have so much bottled inside of me and I wish to god there was just a right way to do things or at the very least that I was a little more upfront and decisive instead of waffling around should I’s and should I not’s over and over again until my eyeballs bleed

I just don’t!! want to feel guilt anymore!! no more guilt no more guilt!!! there’s no way me and kiba could possibly be and item now and I just have to accept it. no more romance. no more love swirling around. this is my firm decision. I’ll tell kiba that we just cannot and that he has to move on from me. even if I think to myself “there’s no telling what the future will bring” right now, at this moment, I have to completely shut the lid on this possibility. too fucking bad, me. maybe it would have been fun to try but right now? you have to cut it out like a festering limb. I have a bad feeling about it and no matter how much it smarts it’s just what has to happen for now. I have no idea still how kiba fell in love w me in less than a year and I have no idea if he hasn’t put me on a pedestal or something. either way I don’t have a good feeling about it, I never felt 100% good about it, and the best thing to do with how we are now is to snip it off at the bud. I don’t want to think about the imbalance that we have in terms of how we feel our feelings, the imbaalnce we have in terms of sexual needs, the imbalance we have in terms of our own stability as people. it’s bad real estate and I have to make the decision to end it.

maybe I’ll feel better about just being friends if I no longer have to think about romance anymore. honestly the fucking love triangle or whatever this thing could possibility be called has been the biggest source of stress for me and I’m done with the guilt it produces like a fucked up natural resource. I’m not mining for any of this guilt anymore. it’s not fun, it’s never been fun, and I don’t know why I’ve let myself suffocate in this cave anymore. the canary died years ago and also I am that canary because I let myself keep going even tho the end evidently lead to my becoming a very dead corpse!

and I can’t really be that mad at myself. it was a learning experience to the very end and I know I’ll always be grateful to the both of them the same way I am grateful to luke. I’ve never experienced people’s feelings like this before and it’s been invaluable to learn so much no matter how it might end. maybe love isn’t an impossibility for me but this flavor is something I don’t want to pursue anymore. it’s chaining us down and I would like nothing more than to free us, myself included. and at least if I take this step I’ll be guilt free!! like there will be no reason for me to stress out about it anymore bc at that point it won’t be my responsibility anymore. all I can do is keep myself unchained and I can’t do anything about what they ultimately decide to do themselves.

I’ve been so uncertain about what to do that making the decision to end this is. I’m not sure if I can call it a relief yet. there’s still an inkling of something but like I can’t bear to think about the alternative anymore. I can’t bear thinking that I’m taking advantage of kiba or riel, I can’t bear the burden of this guilt anymore, and none of this is fun! none of this is fun at all!!!

so this is it. I’m still young. whatever happens, happens. but right now all I want to do is keep my friends and have fun with them. five months is more than long enough. no matter how much I might think “who knows that the future will bring” right now, I have to end it. I already said that but I need to emphasize that to myself again. and maybe say it to kiba too. it’s an acknowledgment of the uncertain future but a firm declaration of my resolution now.

if kiba finds someone else.. I know I’ll be jealous. I always am of my friend’s other relationships. I end up wanting to be the most important, more special. it’s the ugliest part of me, the part of me that wants the deepest affection no matter how evident it is that it’s really not the best course of action at all. so I’ll just get over it like an adult. kiba’s already had his hookup with someone else and no matter how I felt about it then, I have to get over it now. A long time ago I might have wanted to have fun w him but now that’s not an option anymore. that’s okay. and honestly, I know feeling jealous is just normal. of course I’d feel jealous, especially with the way friendships like this have come to mean to me. but living means accepting it and moving on. I really can’t have everything. nobody can.

If we all move on I’ll feel happy for kiba and I’ll feel happy for myself. I’ll find that gratitude of mine for all the people I love in this world. no matter what happens I know I’ll love them the same way I love all the people who’ve touched my life so far. no matter how my feelings shift and change about kiba being my brother or not or whatever, I’ll still have that love of mine

and that’s how I want to feel!! I want to think of nothing but the warmest love when I think of my friends. I want to love riel and I want to love kiba and I want to tell them that freely. I want to hold that love in my heart always instead of this guilt that festers like an infection inside of my ribs. These friendships can’t continue if guilt is the main thing I feel from them.

I hope to god that I don’t lose whatever feelings I’m having rn when I wake up tomorrow because despite feelings like an idiot for so long I feel slightly less without direction than I did just a few moments ago. I’ve picked a direction and now I need to walk it no matter what happens. there’s no way to pick a “right” direction anyway, so I need to pick the one that makes me feel better in the end.

I’m still not sure how my friendship w kiba will pan out. maybe this is something I have to consider again now that I’ve chosen a Path. I should talk to him about this guilt I’m feeling and the reason why I’m putting an end to the romantic stuff between us. the guilt is because I felt like I was taking advantage of him, because sometimes I felt like taking advantage of him, and feelings like that scared me. knowing how differently we feel things scared me. none of this felt fair to him but also me from the very beginning. should I talk to him about riel? it still doesn’t feel right to just talk about it so I’ll ask riel if it’s okay first. open communication is important! so maybe I’ll talk to riel first and then I’ll talk to kiba this weekend? as soon as possible either way, so I don’t lose my grip on my decision to End things

I still need to decide how much I’m going to tell. I can’t let “how much is appropriate to tell” to be the main thought in my head anymore because I’ll never come to a decision if I do. I have to decide what info I’m going to say and stick by it.

everything up until now has happened bc I was too fucking pussy to talk to it w kiba or riel and honestly? no matter how much the incident fucked me up thank fucking god that one thing good (or at least PRACTICAL) is coming out of it. fucking silver lining!! there’s the silver string I’m so good at finding

god I can’t wait to get this chapter of our lives done and over with already. there will always be new problems as I learn more about people and break out of this naive shell I live in but I’m ready to stop shriveling in one continuous problem like some fucked up pickle. what a relief? is it a relief yet. only time will tell. but Knowing that I’ve picked a direction for myself feels so much more practical than torturing myself with uncertainty

I still have that glaring hole of non-resolution. am I going to keep being friends w kiba when I haven’t forgiven him yet. money is still a big deal. it’s kind of a big deal that I want to just not want to be friends w him anymore. honestly it’s the same deal where I just need to make a fucking decision.

if I decide not to be friends with him anymore it’s definitely something I will have to talk to riel about. I’d tell riel that if kiba want to tell them what happened then they can ask him. I’m not sure if we could rly remain friends like the way they can perhaps remain friends w kiba but that’s rly not up to me to presume. whether I’m right or wrong isn’t my responsibility. I would just ask them to decide if they want to continue being friends with me. it doesn’t feel fair to put this burden on them but I don’t see what else I could do without falling into the pit of feelings responsible for other people again.

and that’s the thing. I feel responsible for kiba’s family etc again and that’s the biggest thing that’s tripping me up. which is ridiculous? I don’t have any obligation towards anyone and he doesn’t have any obligation towards me. no matter how much fun we might have had, if it’s not fun anymore then it’s just not fun anymore. I could just keep the break longer but that’d just be the last five months all over again.

I don’t. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be friends anymore. I want to stay friends but I want to not be friends more than I want to be friends. this sucks!!! I wanted things to work out but if my college tuition wasn’t such a fucking issue I wouldn’t be going thru the turmoil that I am right now.

maybe what I need to do first is sit my mom down first and tell her the truth of what happened. it’s been a long time coming anyway. I need to tell her what happened to her money, if we’ll be okay, everything. there’s really no other way for it. even if it ends up being okay will I be able to forgive him?

I think I’m approaching this the wrong way tho. I keep asking myself if I can forgive him like I’m trying to force it so I can just make it okay for us to be friends again. I need to stop asking myself that. first I need to resolve this with my mom and see if she forgives me. this whole money issue is something I have to work out in myself.

this is something I’ve been wondering so long if it’s the best idea to bring up with kiba. it’s a lot of money and I wouldn’t want anybody to have that hanging over their head. I said no guilt!! but isn’t it like lying if I keep this from him. this is ultimately.. something I very much want to talk to a therapist about so I’ll save it in the questions vault.

so, new resolution: talk to mom first, then maybe riel if the time allows for it. call the therapist. schedule an appointment, talk about it maybe once or twice. and get straight to the point too, so I don’t waste any time. no matter what happens, overall I’ve decided to cut out all romantics out of this group dynamic. I’ve decided on it and I’m going to stick by it. I’ll be less flirtatious or however I come off as if required but when it comes down to it I am cutting it out of my life.

things will alsways change. things will pass and things will come into being and no matter what I’ll always learn from it. I’ve been cut off before, this time I might have to learn to do the same. who knows. at least there will be some sort of closure. none of us have any obligation to each other and I want them to be selfish too. I want kiba and riel for the both of them to take care of themselves. I want to take care of myself. I want to lear. I want to grow. I want to be ok

and I will be. I’ll be fine. everything’s going to be okay in the end. I’ve still got my love for the world and I’m not going to lose it.

I hope everything’s going to be ok? everything’s gonna be ok!! it’ll be fine. snzzzz.

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lochnesslord · 8 years ago

Text

01: tell me the truth, what made you start liking the person you like right now?

he was v caring and sweet and he made me feel like stuff i said was important and that just like in general i was important also he was cute

02: what on your body is hurting or bothering you?

nothing rn im doing alright

03: what was your last thought before going to bed last night?

ive been trying to get a job lately so a few worries about that

04: what are you listening to?

Be Like You by CVBZ bc im on a edm kick right now for some reason

05: what’s something you’re not looking forward to?

i am not looking forward to my computer science class next semester it doesnt make any seeeeense

06: where do you think your best friend is right now?

they are both several hundred miles away :( ones probably at her house messing with her cats and the other one at fuckin staples

07: have you kissed anybody in the last five days?

does my cat count?

08: favorite song ?

Joseph by Autoheart at the moment

09: kiss on the first date?

ye why not kisses are gr8

10: is there one person you want to be with right now?

theres a whole lot tbh but mainly my boyfriend because im a gross fuck

11: are you seriously happy with where you are in life?

i have issues with a lot of things some of them i need to work on some i cant but hey

12: is there something you would like to say to someone?

idk everything is kinda specific so i’d feel weird just like posting it for God and Everybody™ to see

13: what are three things you did today?

i made breakfast which was yummy and i watched a lot of the great british bake off and i havent technically done it yet but im sure my sister will drag me out for a run in a bit

14: would you rather sleep at a friend’s or have them over?

depends on who has the larger bed because im a fuckin wild sleeper

15: what is your favorite kind of gum?

anything i can blow lots of bubbles with tbh but also mint is better than fruit

16: are you friends with any of your ex boyfriends/ girlfriends?

eh not really? i occasionally talk to one but that’s kinda dropped off

17: what is on your wrists right now?

nothing right now

18: ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with?

oh hell yeah the first one was kinda obvious tho like i knew i didnt have a chance because he had a girlfriend whoops

19: does anyone have strong feelings for you?

my boyfriend fuckin better

20: are you slowly drifting away from someone?

not currently? i’ve kinda drifted away from my high school friends over the past year tho

21: have you ever wasted your time on someone?

i have no fuckin clue tbh like people have had negative effects on my life but i dunno if i’d say they wasted my time??? eh idk

22: can you do the alphabet in sign language?

i can do most of it! i always forget P and Q tho

23: how have you felt today?

mostly good i got a call for a job interview so woo

24: you receive £60 without any reason, what do you spend it on?

ooooohhhhh cute clothes or a new pair of shoes i really want new boots

25: what is wrong with you right now?

i feel kinda greasy rn bc i haven’t showered yet but other than that who fuckin knows

26: is there anyone you’re really disappointed in?

nah

27: would you rather have starbucks or jamba juice right now?

starbuuuuucks i love coffee but im a pussy so i gotta have a shit ton of other stuff in it so its sweet as all hell

28: why aren’t you in ‘love’ with your last ex anymore?

he didnt want to actually put effort into a relationship and he just didn’t talk to me much and he forgot about me a lot

29: how late did you stay up last night and why?

like 1ish and i dunno i just did

30: when was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

like nowish

31: what were you doing an hour ago?

watching the great british bake off and drinking shitty smoothies

32: what are you looking forward to in the next month?

i dunno my boyfriend might drive up to see me in about a month so yaaay

33: are you wearing jeans right now?

nah

34: are you a patient person?

not really but im p good at hiding it

35: do you think you can last in a relationship for three months?

yeah i’ve done it before so

36: favorite color?

aaaaaaaaaaaaa i dunno i like a lot mainly reds and oranges and yellows like a mustard-y yellow kinda deal like all the muted earthy yellows and oranges those are my shiiiiitttt

37: did you have a dream last night?

yep it was weird i think i was like a miner???? idk

38: are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?

nah pants are for suckers

39: if someone could be cuddling you right now, who would you want it to be?

my booyyyfrieeennddd

40: do you love anyone who is not related to you?

ye hella people

41: if someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?

42: do you like meeting new people?

sometimes? depends on the setting like i like meeting new people in like settings im comfy in or where i think theres a good chance of us being at least friendly with each other like on campus sure but i hate meeting people much older than me like my moms friends i feel so anxious

43: are you afraid of falling in love?

nope

44: ever self-harmed or starved yourself?

i tried when i was in middle school

45: has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?

ye most of my friends have brown eyes and are apparently v jealous lol

46: have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?

ye i’ve had a lot of self esteem issues over the years theyve gotten a bit better recently i think

#ask meme #i guess

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