#idk I've just been spending more time on discord I guess

[megaawkwardhuman]

miss you <3

miss you too dude :]

[ben-marco]

This is such a weird area for me to be in... I stepped away from RAMCOA spaces for some time due to life circumstances. I was glad for stuff like the discord server I got into originally with legion as it's been a place that I actually feel safe taking about my trauma in but a lot of the shit coming out about Legion has soured me to all of this. I did find out stuff about my own trauma, stuff I know is true and have worked through in therapy.

Seeing people talk about worries people were pushing them into thinking they'd been around others or had experienced traumas they didn't makes me worried we may have in part made people feel that way. Anyone who was in a specific area when we were we wanted to know if they saw us because we were so desperate to find others to tell us we were right. And we did eventually actually find someone we had known off and on, but really it was dumb luck- and beyond that incredibly reckless and dangerous. I don't blame any of the people there currently but for a period of time there was just.... sort of a culture around trying to find others and spending a lot of time and energy on that which I understand but should have also been stopped sooner than it was.

I just feel so weird about everything coming out and how things are going I don't know how to feel and I just... idk it's weird. It makes me second guess myself more even when I know that what I did experience in my own case was true. Legion never had any say on my traumas either, because I never was involved in anything she was. But it still makes me worried. It's basically just... anytime conspiracy theorists end up damaging the perception of RAMCOA survivors it further makes me shut down and question myself even when I'm working on starting a legal case. I also now have a large amount of anxiety and paranoia around the idea that it may be possible that Legion could have taken some of our vents since we had been off of tiktok so long we would have never noticed them claiming our life story as their own. And that somehow makes me feel the worst out of all of this.

Hi anon,

I've gone through something similar-- questioning my memories and history after being around someone particularly unsavory -- and I hate that you're going through it too with Legion.

What helped me the most was getting away from social media spaces focused on RAMCOA/OEA/OSDDID, which it sounds like you've already done. I needed some time to myself to truly untangle what was mine and what was not, to get back in touch with my own system and my own experiences without input from others. It was difficult but worth it. And it's good to hear that you were able to work some of this out in therapy!

I think another thing to remember is that echo chambers...are echo chambers. It's really, really easy to get into the rhythm of these spaces and it just becomes this cycle of people convincing each other of things. I think it says enough that you're aware of / wondering about whether you may have pushed someone into thinking a certain way. At least with the way you've written this ask, you don't sound like someone who would have done that intentionally. You sound like someone who got caught up in an echo chamber during a vulnerable time in your life.

As for being worried about Legion having potentially co-opted your vents or your story...I'm afraid there's nothing anyone would be able to do about this and I know, for me, it wouldn't be helpful to worry about whether or not I had missed a TikTok post where they had claimed part of my story or co-opted one of my vents. Sure, you can take it upon yourself to look through all their posts, but they've also deleted so many of them over time, and had other accounts...not sure how helpful or healthy it would be to spend a lot of time thinking about that, although it's understandable that it would be concerning.

I told another anon that their trauma is theirs no matter whether or not Legion is a bad person. Your trauma is yours regardless of whether or not Legion has tried to co-opt it somewhere.

[ikeromantic]

Hii! I don't know if you can write this request or not but I would like to request for ikepri maybe clavis/ ikerev Kyle/ ikesen yuki / ikevamp who idk(?) (you can choose whoever you want that you think suit for this request). I don't know how to elaborate it but it's kind of like yk when a guy friends thought you were someone who just don't like women/ the type that will not sleep with the same women but then they saw a woman got out of your room maybe disheveled and they're low-key shocked,, that's the type of requests I would like for you to do lol (but you can change it the scenario if you want). They tried to investigate your movements with the mc and what's your relationship with her and all they heard after was a moan, scream and slashing sounds. Oop maybe it's too.. They all thought they heard wrong but it happens again and one day they saw them coddle each other in the kitchen, so touchy and kissy too until they saw the suitors hand goes down and they scream. That's all I've got lol. A little smut maybe if you wrote it. Depends on you my love ≧ω≦

I hope you don't mind, I went with IkeRev's Kyle on this one. I don't get too many asks for Ikemen Revolution and I do so love those characters. Here's Approx. 1100 words on Kyle and Alice in an unexpected tryst. Mostly fluff!

Edgar made his way through the halls of the Red Army headquarters with a jaunty step. His intentionally discordant whistling stopped as he passed the infirmary. Not out of concern that he might annoy some sick patient - no. Rather because he heard the most unexpected sound. A soft, feminine moan.

The sound might have been for pain but there was something about it that pricked at his ears. He paused, and listened. After a moment, he heard a sharp intake of breath. A gasp. And the squeak of a cot. 

Curious, and feeling more than a little wicked, Edgar tried to open the door to surprise his friend Kyle. He couldn’t believe the drunk doctor was doing what it sounded like he was doing in there, and he had to find out who he was doing it with.

The handle jiggled in his grip, locked. Then, just as he was about to pull out a lockpick, the door swung open.

Edgar inspected Kyle with a sweeping gaze, but it was impossible to tell if this version of disheveled and grumpy was anything different than his usual look. His gaze moved past the doctor and into the room beyond. Alice was there, sitting on a stool, book in hand.

“What is it?” Kyle regarded him with a bored expression.

“I see Alice is assisting you?”

Kyle nodded. 

“And you find her assistance . . . satisfying?” Edgar raised his eyebrows meaningfully.

“Sure. She’s still learning, but she tries.” He shrugged. “Anyway, did you need something?”

Edgar shook his head. “No, no. I was just stopping by to say hello.”

“Alright.” Kyle gave another noncommittal shrug. “I’m going out.”

Alice hopped up from the stool. “Oh, can I come too?”

“Yeah.” The doctor still looked and sounded bored.

Edgar eyed her. Her clothes were a little rumpled but that could be from sitting. He decided he must have misheard whatever it was he heard. There was no way these two could have been doing anything interesting. “Well, have fun I guess. Good to see you. And you, Alice.”

He left, forgetting entirely about it until later that day when Jonah mentioned how much time Alice was spending in the infirmary. “Oh, yes, it’s unexpected. Kyle taking in interest in a girl,” Edgar grinned.

“I’m sure it’s not like that.” Jonah gave him a prim frown. “He never notices pretty girls. Not that I find Alice pretty. It’s just, she’s a girl. Stop smiling at me like that.”

Edgar chuckled. “Well, pretty or not you’ll never guess what I thought I heard.” He related the story to Jonah with just a little embellishment, enjoying the way the Red Queen’s eyebrows rose and the stain of his pink cheeks.

“You can’t be serious!” Jonah looked lost somewhere between disbelief and outrage. 

“Well, there’s only one way to be sure.”

“What’s that?” 

Edgar’s expression went deadly serious. “We have to spy on them.” Inside, he was laughing. Afterall, there was no way Kyle and Alice actually did anything. No way at all. But spinning Jonah up was a joy.

The two of them set about keeping an eye on Kyle.

Edgar hadn’t actually spent much time on his Kyle-project, but apparently Jonah was on task. He showed up in Edgar’s office, high color in his cheeks, eyebrows so high they almost touched his hairline. 

“Disgusting. Just disgusting.” Jonah took a breath, trying to calm himself down. “I . . . I heard them.”

“Oh? Is that so?”

The Red Queen gave a curt nod. “I saw them disappear into one of the little-used storage rooms and then,” his voice dropped, “there were noises.”

Edgar kept his grin to himself as best he could, nodding seriously. “I see. Yes. Disgusting noises, I assume?” He popped a brightly colored candy into his mouth.

“Yes. Heavy breathing and - and Alice was . . .” his lips firmed to a thin, pale line. “She was moaning!”

“So you heard the noises. Did you open the door?”

“No! Of course not. I left. I shouldn’t be exposed to that sort of behavior.” He shook his head. 

“And you’re positive it couldn’t have been anything else? Moving crates maybe? The work made them breathe heavily and then Alice might have stubbed a toe and moaned in pain?”

Jonah frowned. “No. I - I am quite sure -”

“Because you listen at the door while people do things all the time?” Edgar waggled his eyebrows.

“No!”

Edgar nodded. “So it is possible you misheard. Hm.” He still couldn’t believe Kyle would ever touch a woman, except perhaps to lift a bottle of alcohol off her, or to save her life. He just wasn’t the kind of guy to have a girlfriend. 

Jonah looked, if anything, even more outraged. “I know what I heard! The real question is what we will do about it. Alice can’t be allowed to be - to be taken advantage of! We are supposed to be keeping her safe - not - not what Kyle is doing.”

“Is that so? What do you propose?”

“I . . . I don’t know. Perhaps I can occupy her elsewhere so Kyle doesn’t have the opportunity to get her alone.” Jonah pouted. “That drunken doctor is always causing problems.”

They planned a little while longer, and then Jonah left looking somewhat mollified. Edgar was completely amused by how seriously the Queen was taking this. But Edgar was sure there was no substance to it. He knew Kyle and he was familiar with girls like Alice - too sweet and innocent to be interested in adult activities. 

Edgar headed to the kitchen, feeling a bit peckish. He wanted a snack before settling in to read some reports on the disappearance of a shipment of magic crystals. That was quite concerning, but less fun than the made up drama of Kyle and Alice. He wondered how long it would take Jonah to figure out the whole thing was a -

The Jack stopped in the kitchen doorway, eyes going wide. An unexpected sight met his unblinking gaze. Alice perched on a countertop, her head thrown back, eyes shut. Kyle was in front of her, his hands lifting her skirt, his lips on her thigh and moving higher with each kiss. 

“K-kyle, that tickles! Ohhhhh!” Alice squealed.

“Does it tickle now?” Kyle’s lazy smile was a teensy bit wicked. His fingers reached for the edge of Alice’s dainty white panties.

Edgar backed out slowly and silently. It seemed his assumptions were . . . flawed. He swallowed and shook his head. When he turned the hall corner and was finally out of sight, he leaned back against the wall. 

From the kitchen there were more muffled sounds of pleasure. 

It seemed Kyle was every bit the dirty Lothario Jonah suspected. Edgar grinned. He’d have to find a way to tease the doc about this. And Alice too. So many ripe opportunities for fun.

[gon-and-killuas-mother]

i can't find the read more button on mobile so heads up, i'm rambling about sad personal things

i don't know why i keep getting surprised when Graham talks about the girl he's interested in. like. he very clearly told me he doesn't feel the same way for me as i do for him, and i've tried to accept that

except. a small part of me refuses. every time i remember his "I don't feel the same way" that part screams "YES YOU DO"

i think, in my defense, there have been some mixed messages. i highly doubt he did so intentionally, but it's been months of spending 75% of my time with him, and him showing genuine interest in whatever i was talking about, and giving me gifts bc that's how shows affection (it just happened to be my primary love language) and him always making sure i was fed regardless of my dietary restrictions, so of course i fell for him. how could i not??

the mixed messages though came after the gentle rejection, when he wanted to play Monster Prom, a multiplayer DATING SIM, on VALENTINE'S DAY. where we read the lines to each other, many of which were sappy.

so i don't think i can be faulted for letting a little hope back in, even though i tried to keep it down and contained.

still sucks to be hanging out with him and then asked to leave bc he has plans to watch a show over discord with the Other Girl, we'll call her Catie

i'd had the small and dangerous thought that Catie wouldn't be romantically interested in him. they've been friends for ten years, and she hadn't shown any interest before. but he believes he might have a chance now that she's single again and has moved back in town.

even before this whole Feelings for Boy started, and before i realized he was into Catie, she'd always made me a little uncomfortable. i had no reason to dislike her! and many people i trust have said she's an amazing person. but something about her unsettled me and idk if i can figure that one out

except for when she was kinda hitting on me??? in front of Graham??? like touching me and pressing up against me and whatnot. and Graham apparently didn't think anything of it, so maybe she's just like that. i am as opposite of physically affectionate as possible so that probably made a weird situation even weirder.

i'm rambling now. but i'm really frustrated that i will likely have to deal with the emotional sucker punches whenever he talks about Catie. idk if i can. i broke down last night after getting booted for her, how am i gonna handle it if they actually start dating??

how much of this can i tell him? if i have to take time and space away from him just to be able to move on, can i at least tell him how much he means to me? how cared for he made me feel?

i'm also just. frustrated bc i know he's one-of-a-kind. there's other guys in the world that could love me, yes, but what's the likelihood i'm gonna find another sweetheart who cooks for me and gives me gifts and shares hyperfixations with me???

sigh

i'll move on, eventually. it's not gonna hurt as bad one day. i'm just. tired of being the runner-up i guess

[benzo-ashv]

Text | ButtahBenzo

text session completed via Discord night of 12/27 & morning of 12/28

Shay's sections are indented

@carpemitchell

Ash: Hey stranger! How was your Christmas?

Shay: hey! it was good! hectic with the kids and all. how about yours?

Ash: pretty quiet. Just me and the kids. It was nice actually having Brady home for Christmas this year.

Shay: Jensen didn’t want him this year? i’m glad you got to spend the time with him! how was aspens first christmas? i’m sure she got spoiled! ohhh you should be getting yours and the kids presents in the mail here soon!

Ash: Jensen and I aren't exactly speaking right now. We sent presents to Austin for JJ, Arrow, and Zeplin, and we dropped off presents here in LA for Jensen, Nina, and Matilda.

Shay: you're not? what happened? i thought things calmed down after aspen?

Ash: yeah, until he told me he proposed to Nina and they are planning on having another kid.

Shay: woah. what? he’s getting married again? and wants another kid? isn’t the six he has enough? although guess i can’t talk because i was begging jared a few months ago for one myself

Ash: that's what he said. he said they have fallen in love and he proposed. said nina wants another kid and he wants to make her happy so he'll give her how ever many more she wants.

Shay: how are you dealing with that?

Ash: I'm pissed! he swore to me that they would never be serious, and he always said he wanted his last kid to be with me. Now suddenly he's changing his mind because he's "in love"? I call bullshit. He's in love with someone new every year. Hell, this will be his 3rd marriage since we got divorces. Ash: Oh, and he said I'm a shit mom because I didn't tell him about Aspen until Jared told him.

Shay: 3rd marriage? i never even thought about that. that man has to chill. does he have a golden dick? like what do you ladies and misha even see in him? Shay: oh he did not call you a shit mom for that. life happens. sometimes telling someone you’re pregnant doesn’t work out

Ash: Yeah, Misha and Katie. I can't explain it. Ash: oh yes he did.

Shay: should have told me sooner. i would have went to la with jared and bitch slapped Jensen for you

Ash: haven't really felt much like talking about it. I'm just so angry at him right now. Ash: wait, Jared's in LA?

Shay: i get it. i would be too. now it’s time to find you a partner! Shay: he was. he had to pick sam up from lucy. went the other day, just got back today. got stuck in La yesterday

Ash: no one is waiting in line to date a single mom of 2. I've made peace with the fact I'm gonna be alone for eternity. Ash: Why didn't he call me? He could have stayed here!

Shay: babe, you’re not. any guy would be lining up for a date with you. There might be a hot single dad/mom out there for you! Shay: Idk. he wanted to stay in a hotel. he def could have stayed at my house too. he said his flight got delayed?

Ash: but I am babe. And that's okay. Just sucks that my last good fucking will have been with my jackass ex husband. Ash: delayed? a simple delay wouldn't cause him to stay over, unless it was cancelled.

Shay: what about a one night stand? get one last good fuck in there before you close up shop!

Ash: with who? I don't exactly go out anymore.

Shay: yeah idk. he didnt talk much about it. or why it happened

Ash: that sus

Shay: come to austin and we’ll find you a cowboy to ride Shay: it is sus.

Ash: riding a cowboy is what fucked up my life in the first place. I wouldn't mind coming to visit though. You guys doing anything for NYE?

Shay: okay maybe not a cowboy. or a better one. i found a good one… for the most part. we have no plans so far.

Ash: I'll think about it. Okay, talk to Moose. If he's cool with some visitors for NYE, we can be on a flight tomorrow.

Shay: ohhh yes! will talk to him asap!

Ash: And is NYE kid free or will you have the kids?

Shay: we’ll have rome and sam for sure.

Ash: okay cool. if you didn't have the kids, I would have asked Jensen's mom if she would like to take the kids for the night. I may end up doing that anyway so she can spend some time with them. I know Brady would love it.

Shay: okay so how about you have her watch your kids, we’ll get jared’s mom to watch ours and the three of us will go out?

Ash: not sure I want to be 3rd wheel going out on NYE.

Shay: i will be your wingwoman. i will find you someone Shay: let’s download raya

Ash: Yeah, not sure I'm a dating app person

Shay: not even raya? it’s not a normal dating app lol

Ash: the idea of online dating of any kind just creeps me out.

Shay: why?

Ash: IDK, it just does. Like, I don't know if I could trust that anyone I was talking to was telling me the truth and if I don't trust what they are saying, then there is no way I'd want to meet them IRL

Shay: girl raya is for CELEBS there’s probably people on there that you know! it’s not for random joes and bobs.

Ash: I'll think about it.

Shay: okay! let me know. i think it’d be good for you. just to get to talking to someone who isnt a kid.

Ash: Hey, I talk to people who aren't kids. I'm talking to you, aren't I? LOL

Shay: okay. people who aren’t kids or me.

Ash: I'm guessing my mom and sister don't count either?

Shay: absolutely not. i’m talking about people who will get between your legs.

Ash: and my gyno doesn't count?

Shay: ashley victoria benson stop. the only people who count are the ones who are devouring you and worshipping every inch of your body

Ash: LMFAO. The liklihood of that happening is slim to none.

Shay: nothing is slim to none. has it really been that long since a person has shown any interest in you?

Ash: well, let's see, Aspen is 10 months old, and the last time I had sex was when she was conceived. Before that, Chris was the last person but I fucked that up by running away, so yeah, it's really been that long since anyone has shown any interest in me.

Shay: why'd you run away from Chris?

Ash: because of stupid feelings. I could see a forever with him and that scared the crap out of me.

Shay: girlie you gotta stop running from your feelings. Shay: also hop on that flight, jare said he’s cool with you guys coming.

Ash: I know. Easier said than done though. Oh yay! I'll pack our bags and book a flight!

Shay: yay! let me know when you land, i’ll come pick you guys up from the airport!

Ash: on the plane. we land in 4 hours

Shay: that was fast! see you in a bit, babe!

Ash: I may have stayed up and packed bags last night in hopes Jared would say yes. All I had to do was book the tickets and get to the airport.

Shay: you should have just booked the flight right away. you know he was never gonna say no, right?

Ash: lol true

[elfira]

trying to be aileen in a world full of alice

It's monday evening, September 30. I am at the library, doing some assignments, and also will work on the thesis (which I am very anxious for). September feels odd, really. Nothing big really happened, everything was just the same. Except people are progressing more than me, I guess. Some of my friends already did their proposal defense. Yet I'm still working on revising my own proposal, which I haven't even started yet cause I have this side of me who would throw up everytime I open the document. Idk. It's just scary. I'll try to remind myself that everything is okay, that revising is not something horror, that I can actually do it and it'll pass. But here I am, writing a not-worth to post writing now. I started to read again, cause I feel like I should feel again. It's been a long time since something really make me think and feel at the same time. The last entertainment I had was that one series called Presumed Innocent on Apple TV and I didn't even finished it yet. Ted Lasso was there as well, and I was also planning to make a tribute post to the series as it was really helping me a lot through stuffs. So, I read books again, tried the Beach Read, which seems like what everyone else's reading. I think it's okay, not intriguing so I haven't continued to read again. I also tried to read the historical fiction by a German author that was suggested by an online friend I talked to in Discord, which then I realized I had watched a movie adapted from the book. I of course have not continued cause it is 'historical'. So then, I tried to read a book from Sally Rooney, 'A Beautiful World, Where Are You?'. I like te book. Back then, Normal People would be relatable for me in some aspects. I think this book relates me in more aspects. And that's the only reason why I still read it. Well anyway, apart from reading book, I started cooking for myself. Cause it's cheaper I guess. And I can finally eat beefs without feeling bad cause Yoshinoya's very expensive and I can't spend more than $4 a day. But then I discovered this frozen beef on Shopee and I can cook it for like 3 times. Basically $1 for a plate. Nice offer.

This month I explored more and I found myself new people again. Someone who lives in Portugal, someone who's just mas-mas biasa, and this interesting same age guy from Tangerang. The one from Portugal is just like Felix from France (his name is not actually Felix in case he found out I have a blog) except that he's like, pretty introverted I would say. He's sort of nerd, he plays game, and he doesn't party. While Felix is more like a celebrity and friendly to everyone. Not gonna lie, but I still have a soft heart for this Felix guy. He's a good guy and we're friends.

The mas-mas biasa, let's call him Jack (it's supposed to be Jaka cause he's Javanese, but still it's not his real name). Jack is a normal guy I suppose, he works as a consultant in a politic kind of thing for the election. He's okay but he's too mas mas for me, you know what I mean? It's just our tastes and personality is different. And I don't think friendship can last long if it's not because we are the same.

The last one is this special friend called Pop. Pop is his real internet name, by the way. While I'm writing this, I still have not known his name yet, or maybe I will not even know his name even. So Pop, is a... cool, artsy, somewhat annoying (you know what kind of annoying I mean), and edgy typa guy???? I really don't know how to describe him, but yeah, he is cool. Like coooool. He's a student of Film & Television? I don't really know anything about him but he seems like a really really great guy. We shared a lot about ourselves, but still, it feels like I've only known him from the surface just yet. He's chill, he's smart, he's open minded. He likes Tottenham Spurs, he said. He's cute.

[katzynia]

Thanks for the tag @bittercape <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

27 published, one of which is a WIP as of June 4th.

2. What is your AO3 wordcount?

203,862 words (by June 4th 2024)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Batman corner of DC, and mostly even further corner of Slade Wilson/Jason Todd, with only a few exceptions.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Let it fade, let it linger Sound of falling trees First and then Let it build, let it settle Every piece of you

5. Do you respond to comments?

Yes. I adore comments, each and everyone really makes my day. I will reply, though it might take a little. Typically I let them accumulate for a couple days (or to the nearest weekend) after publishing before replying to a whole bunch (time spend basking in the warmth of people liking what I wrote :D)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

..I don't really do that angsty endings. I am a softie at heart, so I don't care for hurt/no comfort fics much. Good bittersweet is great thought! With that in mind, I guess my angstiests would be Sound of falling trees (bittersweet is a good word for this ending I think) Turn your dream to shame (my angstiest/darkest fic, ambigous ending)

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Most of my endings are happy. Let it build, let it settle is maybe the sweetest thing in general... Though I do have very sweet oneshots.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No, not really. I think Slade/Jay for which I mostly write is still so much in its own corner, not popular enough to attract hate. At least not where I would run into it.

9. Do you write smut? If so, which kind?

Yes. ;) Pairingwise M/M so far. Kinkwise, many kinds and I'm open to many more :D There aren't many kinks I would absolutely not write. I've found it a lot of fun to try out different things and Jayde Agenda discord server's Kink tag challenge has been loads of fun. I think my kinkiest is probably Straddling the line (in discord and rhyme) as I wrote it with "yes and":ing a whole bunch of kinks, starting with the tag challenge of "Possessive sex". Also Call me maybe, with dirty talk being the whole point of writing it

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest crossover you’ve ever written?

I have not written any cross-overs. I might if something strikes my fancy.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I know.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I was asked once, but I said no. I don't like the idea of my work being translated so that I can't understand it. I'm writing in my second language anyway and I have thought a lot about how different I would say things if I was writing on my actual language. It's the connotations! Idk, I just felt... weird about it and didn't want to to happen.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No.

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Jayde is my current love and fave in DC, not surprisingly. I also like Jason/Roy Harper, and certain variations of Jason/Dick. In other fandoms, I used to read *a lot* of Steve/Bucky. Arthur/Eames is a lot of fun. I also had fairly intense phase of reading everything for Jyn/Cassian in Star Wars.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Well. I have kind written a Mummy AU for Jayde for about two years now... Hard to say if it ever sees the light of day, i periodically write some and then lose interest/get desperate that it's too complicated and write nothing. I honestly don't know if I get it finished or even if I'm wiling to put the work in.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm good at dropping information in interesting and not-exposition-y way, drip-drip-dripping it so that it's curiosity inducing. I am good at implying things. I also really like and think I'm good at playing with relative knowledge. I've been told I'm also pretty good at character voices. But honestly, it's hard for me to say what are the strengths, I'm too close to it. So I am in fact, open to feedback

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Grammar, stupid English. In all seriousness, I get pretentious. I usually catch most of it in editing, but I have a tendency to get too flowery and for example, say the same thing in too many ways in row which blunts the impact. As flipside of my information dropping skills, I sometimes get too stingy with information, so that I assume something is clear when it isn't. I'm not very good at narration further way from the POV character, I do very close POV and that doesn't always work for the story I'm trying to tell. Again, I am open to feedback. Could be interesting.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I'm on the fence about it. I do tend to get annoyed if there's no translation *very* easily available. I think it comes back to my preference for close narration, so if the character doesn't speak the language, I prefer sticking to "Somebody spoke in language he didn't recognize" or something like that. Singular words, especially for affectionate nicknames are cute though. I'm not a language person :D That said, I don't get annoyed in "nobody should ever do this" kind of way. I firmly believe that every writer can do what they want in their story. It's just a preference for me.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Jayde. Surprise :D

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

I am incredibly, excessively proud of Kindle and char, my pirate fic. I honestly think the concept is great and it turned out very close to what I wanted. It's the longest story I've written and I had so much fun doing it.

Tagging, very close pressure, but if you'd like to jump in @nonbinaryjaybird @notherdeadrobin

[standardquip]

Black Lagoon Live Reacts

A compilation of discord messages as I watched the entirety of Black Lagoon over the course of ~1 week. CW: racism(?), spend a lot of time talking about nazis and swastikas, also mentions of child trafficking and sexual violence

Bonus: learn a little bit about my time in the US Navy

wow black lagoon's OP's lyrics are… something

Somehow, Revy is not at all how I pictured her being based on AMVs

…. is this SBMA they did mention subic bay…. 🤔

ok I'm just going with my headcanon of this being the philippines it feels right

Also it's kinda weird this is a place I have been to this anime would hit a lot harder had I seen it closer to the time I got out of the navy

weird word choice I mean I'd probably like it a lot more back then

ep1 of black lagoon is over The ED is curious 👀 I will continue more eps later

[someone asked for clarification about what I meant about the "when I got out of the navy" thing]

It was super exciting to see shows that took place in places I've been I have a feeling that outlaw bar is based on SBMA in the philippines https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subic_Bay_Metropolitan_Authority (I guess technically the location is subic bay freeport zone, but we just called it "the sbma" )

We stopped there every deployment to stock up on supplies and it was so dirty that eventually I just stopped getting off the ship because it wasn't worth it

I also really was into any anime that had anything to do with Kyushu, which is where the home port was (Sasebo specifically) I was stationed on an LHD (amphibious assault ship) and our base was shared with JSDF ships We didn't interact with them much, but I went to their cafeteria once

Anyway, it was just cool to be like "Hey I recognize XYZ" in anime Same as anyone noticing their local areas, I assume

It just got extra cool points because "my places" were more "exotic" in relation to my american peers, I guess

Nowadays I have so few emotions it's like "Oh, cool…. anyway" Also it's now 10+ years ago. So it feels kind of dumb to keep holding on to those memories. Especially when it was barely 3 years of my life

ep3 of black lagoon cambodia Another place I've been :heh: just wear the shirt, Rock, you fool

ep4 is about nazis

I wonder if this was intentional.

I just got back from my neighbors They talked for an hour 😩 I am back to ep4 of black lagoon

Idk how many eps I will watch today It seems like a good show but it is again, episodic ok these are clearly nazis They call themselves nazis they heil hitler but their armbands have some symbol other than the swastika

… why bother?

this story continues to ep5 So guess I'll watch that one too ok they specifically mention hitler but they don't actually do the hand motion

they use the iron eagle

eh…. If you want to censor the most offensive parts, then why not use something that is based on nazis instead of actually nazis but with weird symbols? or maybe this is a real symbol I'm unfamiliar with?

oh They just did the hitler salute for real now they're singing some nazi marching song idk if it's real or not but why go through all of this and still not show the swastika?

oop there it is

Revy is supposed to be chinese? wtf doesn't look that at all At least Rock looks japanese-ish starting ep6 ok this is not as episodic as I thought

ep6 is the "die nazi scum" episode

ep7 some lady is editing porn videos lol

yeah you fucking go, Rock! Love this character shift

[someone says: "Black lagoon is weird. Surprisingly philosophical given that it's advertised as dumb action"]

That's surprisingly accurate.

ep 8 of black lagoon Making good time here we've entered the child trafficking episode

[someone mentions having to drop "The Great Pretender" due to a child trafficking arc]

eh it's just one kid and it's not sexual I wonder if the great pretender is worth watching (for me) though

wow revy cleans up good

oh this isn't revy? :skeptical:

ep9 of black lagoon has been started

ep12 I love how multi-cultural this show is This ep is pretty racist though 😂

lmao boob sweat man I'm flying through these eps I guess that means I like the series I was going to start ep 13 but actually 12 was a good stopping point so guess I'll go to bed instead Bed being mindlessly scrolling through reddit til sleep comes, that is

I'm watching black lagoon ep 13 now grey haired twin kids who might be incestuous? Oh hey Thailand yet another place I've been

ep14 they shot the dogs 😔 we've reached the sexual child trafficking plot

One of the random side characters sounds like bender from futurama and that's a bit weird

ep15 wow 2 grown women who are bounty hunters / mercs and super strong split up and one of them flips out about how she can't walk to her car alone lmao what

alright so Black Lagoon actually mostly takes place in Thailand near the border of Cambodia and not SBMA at all. So of course I immediately assumed Pattaya just because that's where I've been lmao and basic google searching says I'm not far off. Black Lagoon takes place in a fictional city named Roanapur and it has a big buddha statue. Reddit claims the main theories of the location this is based on is Chanthaburi or Trat. One reddit user says that buddha statue is probably Hua Laem Pagoda, which is about 2 hours from Pattaya :wheeze: Man I really wish I watched this anime closer to my Navy time What would Navy me say about this show? this ep really is… a lot a bit too real with the horrors of child trauma :(

Oh the ED changed instead of Revy leaving her boots behind It's a girl in a nightgown oh it's the twins how sad :( ep16 time to counterfeit USD "What is it witht his city? Everyone looks so damn shady" haha Oh, sweet summer child. That's just Southeast asia lmao "Mister elvis"

oh hey the blonde nun with the sunglasses is voiced by the owl witch VA in owl house

LOTTON THE WIZARD :wheeze: (and of course he's got gray hair) ep17 the nun's name is eda how coincidental with owl house 😂

"That room's worked the last 4 times out of 7!" Ah ha A perfect 4/7 score heh

this show has a ton of strong ladies and no obvious fan service Except this episode This side character has had so many random panty shots ep 18 the localization in this is great 😂

lmao lotton the wizard is just as stupid as the name implies Love how that joke paid off WHAT A TWIST bullet proof jacket stupid american damaging the engine of the boat he's on in the middle of the goddamn ocean

ep20 lmao, of course its Roppongi

ok I think I'm done with black lagoon for the night idk if I want to go to bed yet but I'm kinda over black lagoon for now

I really don't feel like watching anything right now but I realized tomorrow is my last day of freedom before my parents come back for a month so I kind of have to finish the show now or else I most likely won't finish it at all so here we go with ep 21 of black lagoon oh this is scarred lady's flashback/backstory ep

ep22 dumb girl who's never seen danger is convinced she's strong enough to lead a band of yakuza unsurprisingly, she gets captured and starts to realize how out of her depth she is when they argue about how they're gonna rape her

Hell yeah Revy shows idiot man how much of a weak bitch he is YuGiOh's Tristan uses katana to slice bitch ass's gun IN HALF More news at 11

schoolgirl calling Rock OUT she decides to stay in the dark world and stick with the yakuza boss thing I wonder if she'll show up later ep23 scarred lady has been trying to take over japan It seems to be working looks like schoolgirl is going to stay in the picture for the next few episodes at least

really don't know what to think about Rock's whole identity crisis thing part of me wants to say he's a fool but the other part wants to say "he's 14 and this is deep" we're on ep 24 now out of 29

…. I've decided rock is an idiot

ok rock is an idiot but at least he's not completely delusional like Yukio/schoolgirl damn she killed herself the ED changed to rock music lol

I have 4 eps of black lagoon left but I am absolutely not feeling it There's just no urge to finish, no specific thing I am waiting to learn about or see happen Unless I force myself to finish today, I am 99% sure I will never pick it up again

finally starting ep25 of black lagoon Let's see if I finish this today

they should make some kind of gun maid anime they really honed in on a niche here

ep 27 grey haired wizard dude is back and he is absolutely stupid and I love him

oh no she's gonna kill the boy 😭 roberta's story is the most captivating of this series ep28 oh he got saved… lmao the wolf sounds for her LOL just kick grey haired guy right in the balls like nothing and continue on

ep29! the last one wow a revy flashback That was… something this play is falling apart I distinctly remember the major taking the gun back from the kid in the previous episode

I don't know what's going to happen here but I assume it's going to be a horrifying blood bath of all parties ewwwwww her finger

…. alright I might be too dumb to get the ending so I am just left disappointed and confused buuut I finished it So there's that, I guess

[graysongraysoff]

Like

As much as I love fanfiction and find transformative works fascinating and valuable as literature in their own right, I can't just keep ignoring fanfic and fandom culture's contribution to the rapid decay of critical thinking and media literacy through its reliance on ships and tropes and shorthand of that nature, to the point that publishers have started marketing books via AO3 tags rather than like. Plot synopses.

And even if I could ignore that, I can't keep ignoring the ways in which this tropey shorthand on which fanfiction and, increasingly, original fiction relies contributes to ace erasure and aphobia because 90 fucking percent of it is romantic and/or sexual in nature. Despite it being 2024 in two days and aromanticism and asexuality being more visible than ever before, as time goes on it only feels more and more to me like the only avenues for participating in fandom is via shipping. Gen content exists but always as a secondary interest, an afterthought. A single themed week in a year of shipping events and zines and gift exchanges. If I want to RP I need to provide a list of not only characters I'm willing to play but also characters I'm willing to ship with. I once joined a character-centric Discord server and the only information asked for in the intro post template other than name, age, and socials was "What are your favorite [character] ships?" Not like, oh I don't know, "What is your favorite thing about [character]? What do you like about them?" I am, no joke, asked about my favorite ships in fandom spaces more often than I'm asked about my favorite characters.

And it's not that I don't ship things or engage with shippy content, I obviously do, the last thing I posted was a 5k STSG reverse bang fic, but what I'm trying to articulate is like. Sometimes it feels like an interest in romance and shipping is like. A prerequisite. For participating in fandom in a way that makes people actually want to interact with you and be your friend. Which, as someone whose primary interest in fandom is gen content, feels really, like. Intimidating and exclusionary, at best. At worst it feels like I'm the only ace at the high school lunch table again and everyone's being horny and I'm just sitting there like 🙂.

And beneath all of this is the deep, deep fear that all of the above is just me obfuscating my own internalized self-loathing and aphobia and petty jealousy of people I know personally with fancy academic language and none of these are actually problems in fandom at large but rather just. Personal things I need to talk to my therapist about and get over, which. Well, I guess both can be true. These can be problems in fandom at large and also things I'm dealing with personally that I need to get over.

Anyway, this is the kind of stuff I've been grappling with recently and why I've been considering, more seriously than I ever have before, just not posting fanfic anymore. Which is kind of huge for me since I've been posting fanfiction since 2011. But lately I find I spend more time and energy feeling bad about it than I do feeling good, which is a devastating realization to have about something I do for fun and one of my main hobbies for over a decade.

And idk. In all likelihood I will not stick to this. I've already started writing a sequel to a fic I posted this year, but I could just write it for myself and not post it. I'm still flip-flopping on whether I'll apply to an upcoming Gojo & Megumi zine, but I'm leaning towards not since it's a fluff/comedy zine for one, and also because one of the many things I learned this year is that deadlines make fic feel like homework to me. I've been having so many of these nights lately where thinking about fanfic and fandom just makes me so miserable, it seems like it might just be better to take myself out of the equation entirely. To stop breaking my own heart over a perceived lack of attention and validation by no longer seeking it, but idk. I've tried and failed to quit fic before, so only time will tell.

I wish I was smart enough to articulate the connection between

My lingering self-loathing/internalized aphobia from the "ace discourse" days

My disillusionment with fandom and the strong temptation to stop posting fanfiction altogether, period, forever

The sudden resurgence of my horrible tendency toward extreme childish tantrums of jealousy which literally hasn't reared its ugly head since I was a junior in college

[imagining-in-the-margins]

oh god i have so many anons omg im sorry lmao

Here are some TB&TB Anon Asks 🐇 !

Check the last few answers for a ton of headcanon discussions!

1. I do have a playlist for TB&TB! You can access it here (along with some others!)

You are amazing, and thank you for your kindness 💕

2. Thank you, friend 👽 I’ve been writing, both fan fiction and original works, since I was about 12 years old. So, however many minutes that is! Writing is one of those things that you will literally always get better at the more you write (as long as you continue to enjoy yourself!)

Also, I sold my soul to the angst gods.

3. Ahhhh I was falling asleep when I came up with that exchange and I turned around and frantically typed it into my Discord so I wouldn't forget, lmao!

The universe colored eyes is also referencing a line from Part 7's dream sequence, for those who missed it!

4. Impending doom...? No... Not me... Never... 🌝

5. Big thank you to everyone who sent in a favorite line! You all make my day! It makes me so happy to see people get excited about the same parts as me. The callbacks to the honeysuckle language in the Prologue are some of my favorites.

Sometimes I worry I'm too heavy handed with the metaphors, but I just love nature so much.

6. Aaaaa I wrote that at like 2am when I couldn't sleep! Also, as to how I do it... I've no feckin' clue. Brain say word, word go down.

7. First off, I am so not annoyed with you! These made my day, honestly. It was especially great to see someone guess so many things that will be confirmed in canon, lmao!

I'm not incorporating the Daddy kink into this fic, but I do think it would probably shock him badly enough that he would completely stop whatever he was doing while he processed what just happened, lmao!

This will be confirmed in canon.

I don't specify hair type/length the best I can, so I won't be confirming it in canon, but I do tend to picture her with ponytails/puffs!

Spencer is already a (show) canon fan of soap operas! I think it'd be funny watching him discuss how manipulative a lot of rom coms are, but then slowly falls in love with the tropes. One day he doesn't call one out and she just looks at him like 👀

This will be confirmed in canon.

8. The first one will be confirmed in canon on several occasions.

I love showering scenes, but I won't be including one in this work to make it more accessible to Readers of all races, since many hair types have remarkably different hair care routines!

This will be referenced in canon.

Please, Bunny would be mortified the whole time. She'd probably kick him the first few times.

Again, I love these, but they aren't accessible to all body types, so I try to avoid them! I agree with you, though, that would drive him crazy.

She does fall in heels in the Part 3, lol! I suck at heels because I have ankle problems. Shoutout to my clumsy bitches. I don't specify height, though I usually picture all of my Readers at my height (5'6").

He definitely already knows the skincare, but he would pretend like he doesn't just so she could teach him something. She's too excited for him to break it to her.

She hates when he cuts it because it means she has less of a canvas to work with!

9-10. I'm sorry the picture messed up! I don't know what my computer is doing. But I have the missing text (When the couple moves in together spencer buys a sign to the door that has 2 bunnies on it with their names on it).

I personally love classic rock, but I know not everyone will. I fully agree with your headcanon, and I share it! Technically, we do see her recognize two different songs from the 80s (Don't Stand So Close to Me & Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want). She would also have heard from Derek all of the music he had to introduce Spencer to!

Hamsters are so cute! I personally am a cat person, but I could see her with literally any animal!

Pastels are a must with a nickname like Bunny.

Spencer WOULD be ticklish. She would be a menace.

Spencer makes the mistake of saying "Good Bunny" in front of Derek exactly one (1) time and doesn't say it for another month.

I have a running joke in the Discord that later the couple has two kids they nickname "Birdie" and "Bee." When Bunny asks him for his B-nickname, he replies "Bastard." Idk why, but the bunny sign reminded me of that lmao!

All it takes is Bunny shushing Spencer once and him looking positively terrified of her wrath for them to realize who is really in charge there.

He's just so used to dry cleaning! It's not his fault 😜

Him and that kitten would be inseparable after that. He would spend hours telling her why cats are great companion animals for autistic people!

Thank you for sending me these! I had a blast, and I love you, too!

[canmom]

it's a bit of a pipe dream to think i would be well known one day, but i would hate to become known as a 'british animator' or 'british writer' whose work reflected on the vibrant culture of this shithole of a dead empire. if my work doesn't say on some level "this country is an unmitigated evil in the world and all its institutions and traditions must be violently overthrown" I'm doing something wrong! this seems to be true of e.g. most of the interesting british comics writers. being british should be seen as an unfortunate fact about my background, like, 'oh this explains a lot about how depressing her work is' lmao

anyway this makes me kind of think... obviously i am into a lot of japanese animation and games, and i certainly don't want to make some silly claim that every anime creator i like is some badass radical because that's obviously not true, but also like, promoting an image of 'cool japan' is a literal policy of their seemingly eternal far right government and i don't really want to enable that! i would hate to sort of shackle someone to a nationalist project they don't uphold in appreciative critical writing.

a couple weeks ago i saw an fairly big name webgen animator on an animator discord expressing resentment about being held up as an up and coming filipino animator when, in his eyes, he had seen no support from his country and taught himself everything through the internet. he saw his community as international web animators. and while i don't want to be idealistic, his attitude appealed to me. i feel much more comfortable thinking of myself as a creature of the internet, with all the flaws that entails... i can't really remember a time where i didn't spend much more time reading and talking to people in other countries (mostly Americans, but also a lot of people from other European countries on the old Blender forums) and i guess that played a huge part in my particular path of 'socialisation'.

one thing I've found quite striking since getting more involved in the like, 'indie animator subculture' is that there the balance of countries ppl are from is much more south american and southeast asian, much less USian, than most online communities I've been in, which is honestly a p welcome change. it's a bit of a cliché but i do feel like the internet really is demonstrating its potential to create certain kinds of international connections not mediated through mass media localisation in the way of the last hundred years of capitalism, and as much as corporate near-monopoly media production - The Industry - still dominates the landscape in so many ways, it's still really exciting to see what sort of art movements are going to grow in this ecosystem...

but of course, i realise this feeling of being part of a cosmopolitan international culture or w/e is such a class thing. the UK, by virtue of its place in the world economy and the last few centuries of colonial plunder gets both the most modern comms infrastructure and the benefits of its language being widely considered the path to wealth and privilege, a structure which perpetuates itself long after the period of direct rule... especially since its immediate successor as "top dog empire" also uses English. the people i talk to are either from other rich countries, or often the comparatively well-off people of colonised countries who are coming to speak to me in my language rather than the other way round. there's not much i can immediately do about the distribution of power in this situation, but i don't want to have illusions about it. and if i can figure out the right, sustainable means of motivation, it would be really good to learn to visit the non-English-speaking parts of the web.

what is to be done about all this? idk. just mulling this one over. i very much admire someone like @anarcha-catgirlism who seems to pick up languages as easy as breathing out of an intrinsic love of it (i'm sure she finds it harder than it looks from the outside lol), but I've never had that facility and comfort with language learning the way i did with, say, maths.

it's very hard to figure out how to get a proper habit of practice going the way i have with drawing and animation lately. what happens is, i think one day, oh no, not done this in a while, let's make an effort to get back into practicing kanji, knock a couple hundred off my wanikani queue, and then it won't occur to me to do it again for like, weeks. other languages I've tried i have fared even worse; at best i get a period of hyperfocus and then it collapses, or the excuses for language classes you get in british schools. i don't know how to summon the determination that keeps me coming back to draw even when I'm unsatisfied with my skills. I'm certain it's possible to learn languages even with unmedicated 'adhd', but i haven't figured out the trick of it and continue to be an embarrassing monoglot...

anyway, enough moping. time to draw.

[wearequeer-andwearehere]

(So I'm alloro + ace and I've been pretty confused about the romo part. straight??? bi??? pan??? gay??? what??? 🤡)

I guess this is more comedic than a genuine question, but uhm, for the first time in my life, at age 16, I had a dream in which I was dating a girl and now it's occupying too much brain space so uhm... idk, if this has anything to do with my orientation... maybe I'm into girls... or maybe that was just some silly dream, with no significance...

I've never fantasized about girls, but I have about boys (i do suspect heteronormativity had a part to play in that but idk?)

im confused 🤡

Bestie it isn’t comedic at all! Sexuality questioning can be hella confusing!

Tbh, my advice is to hang around wlw and just listen to them talk about their experiences. If it isn’t safe for you irl, try joining wlw discord servers or just hanging around that part of tumblr, read stories written by wlw and read about their experiences, etc! 

I realised I was bisexual when I was thirteen-fourteenish and one thing that helped me a lot was talking to bi girls and lesbians, honestly with these things what you need is a community, people who’ll support you no matter what. If you wanna talk, send me an ask and I’ll give you my main blog so we can talk if you want :D

I’d say try to unlearn heteronormativity as well, try watching more queer media and slowly unlearn heteronormativity as best you can!

Also I’d say read stuff about lesbians and bi/pan women telling their childhood stories. Me reading stories about trans men talking about their childhoods helped me realise I was trans, so maybe you reading up stuff about bi women’s and lesbians’s childhoods can help you out!

And honestly, mate, just like, don’t overanalyse it. Just vibe. Overanalysing stuff, esp with sexuality/gender, isn’t that healthy. Talk to wlw, work on unlearning internalised stuff, don’t overanalyse and just like. Just vibe. It’s gonna be okay, aight? 

Like, I used to spend SO long overanalysing “am I bi? Am I ace? Am I pan? Am I lesbian?” and what helped me the most was just letting it go. I like all genders, maybe I’m ace maybe I’m not, I’m legit just chilling tbh 

You’ll be attracted to whatever genders you’re attracted to and that’s fine! If you can pinpoint which genders you’re attracted to and realise whether you’re lesbian or bi or straight, that’s awesome! I’m so happy for you! And if you can’t, that’s cool too! There’s no need to think about it, literally just vibe, you’re good, man.

I hope I could help you out, and I wish you luck with questioning! Lmk if you have any more questions, and have a great day/night :D

[bittybattybunny]

I hope your not feeling down on your writing skills because I haven't caught up and commented on your latest releases. It's not you it's that I pick too many fanfics to follow and they all update a lot and I've been so busy and I've fallen behind on so many fics from various authors and sometimes my depression just makes me want to lie in bed all day doing nothing and it doesn't help I have to spend my limited spoons helping family everyday. I know these aren't good excuses, but I do sympathize with the lack of energy feeling at least. But your work really does bring a lot of joy to my life. It's so fun keeping up with your various AUs, and your latest one that features Kaya as Spider King has me really hyped because I want to learn more about Kaya, she's so fun! And Ruclipse is such a good comfort ship that just hits all the things I like seeing in a ship. You're so amazing and creative and it's awful that anyone would try to make you feel otherwise! Like your newest OC, Justin Tyme seems like such a lovable dumbass bastard. I love his wild, curly hair and his dapper outfit. I can't wait to see what dumb shit he gets himself into! I know this is really long and rambly, but I hope you know you have fans who genuinely love your work. I don't know if you're still thinking about that one comment you mentioned that got you really down, but honestly, fuck that guy. I don't know what they said but it must have been pure BS to have you doubting your hard earned art skills. I wish I could do more to prove you're awesome and that your fans really admire you, I just hope you don't stop sharing what you love because some rando was nasty for no good reason. Because we love what you do!

It's not like anyone one person nonny so please don't blame yourself. This has been an ongoing thing for a few months actually...

it's just a general thing over all lately like. I mentioned this in dm's with a friend but overall past few months I've had lower engagement overall with my works and it really does a number on my confidence. More so because like your latter point.

yes, I am still very much thinking about that one negative comment. Because that person also has the need to comment on other things and I even had a thing asking why I took a few weeks to update (when reality I posted to another ongoing fic and my TLC chapters are long chapters) and just the fact they could tear into a character (yes it was a comment on a character specifically and not even a main character it's a side character who has an important role for Snatcher's growth as a person down the line) then go saying "why didn't you update" when I posted a double update that week---

Like it lives in my head rent free and I want to literally cry because like the character is a focal in an upcoming chapter and I can't deal with another "why are they back" type thing. because "everyone finds them annoying"

And I'll be honest. it was Kaya. Like I've been trying to have fun with my BCU stuff with her as Spiderking because it's engaging for me and me and @/doodleimprovement even came up with a b-plot involving Kaya and Hattie trying to hook Nell and Marcus together and it's one of the best things as well as Kaya and Nell having a really good relationship.

but because of that one comment it makes me hesitant to do anything with Kaya despite she's one of my oldest ocs, my most thought out ocs and I adore her beyond anything. Like yes she's over powered and such and in TLC rn she comes off as a know it all, but upcoming chapters will show she's just a spacey kid who's trying to fit into a role others decided for her and isn't really as all mighty as she seems. Snatcher even ends up thinking of her as a little sister more than anything. Like fuck I'm even hesitant to share anything on her actual story despite how much work is in it. Like she's my favorite Oc (that's why shes my discord icon, and I'm pretty sure she's my twitter icon as well)

And like the points in the comment just. IDK they didn't fit to her, if anything the points are more suited to be shot at Eclipse.

Which is another thing I just get iffy on. I love RuClipse and everything with it. I love writing and drawing the dorks. But I'm now so afraid if Kaya could be attacked for only showing in a handful of chapters that don't even touch on who she is, when is someone going to finally tell me off on my wolf? who's going to tear into a character I pour a lot of personal shit into to try and comfort myself?

I use Ruclipse to deal with my own romantic heart, they are what I wish I could have so I love to write them, I hurt them but i like to make them happy in the end. Someone who can deal with your highs and lows. No ones perfect but you can still figure it out and love even the negative parts (I am a heavy romantic OTL)

he is in fact a lovable bastard. i have fun plans and he gives me an excuse for why Cel is so tired and having to be the brain cell and how she even wound up working with the time kids when she's so much older than they are. Currently I'm trying to think of how to use him and honestly I think he's gonna wind up hella comic relief fun guy who's just making a mess and do his own side story while Hat and Bow are busy in subcon----

thank you, I don't mind the rambly it kinda gave me a chance to get this off my chest... like I've typed this kinda response up time and time again and I always delete. I feel like I'm whining because I get upset but it's just, I spend so much time making things, I use all my spoons on either working or creating, I just want to know if it means anything but then negativity lives in my head because what's a functioning meat cube??? I try to stay positive but it's hard. Like another thing is Moon Guardian; the reason I haven't updated? because I have had someone bothering me about it. weekly I get asked about how I'm doing on it but it's not from a place of "want to read it" it's because I told them they couldn't post a certain thing until the chapter is done so it feels pressuring to constantly get asked because I feel the only reason they want to post is to boost their thing and I'm just the machine to boost it with my characters and comic.... like it feels they've taken the comic from me and it sucks because I have so many fun things planned. Like I accidentally went off on Nina about a thing with Alpine skyline and Eclipse as well as a thing with a Time Rift and a Jelly ghost.

Sorry kinda went off, just I've sat on this thought train since like early april. I've done my best to ignore it and just keep going but it's gotten really hard with the fact my health hasn't been really great. I've spent a lot of time lately bed bound because I just hurt so badly. if I'm not resting, I'm at my day job which is incredibly stressful rn as I only really work mornings and I see things that are being missed so then i report it and it still gets missed and i can't get it fixed after a point cuz we're back to full service and need the people so I can't nitpick but just.... I'm bitter okay like if I left this shit when I worked I would have gotten yelled at but now we just let it slide??? and this stresses me out which then causes my body to freak out because I'm stressed which puts me in more pain. and then like at work have people acting shocked I have my cane or soemthing and just skfdslkfksdf

so my energy is so tanked. and then the negative comment in my head, no idea if people like things cuz I have no idea if I hear nothing, just has had me doubting why post. Like I should go back to just not posting my stories and sketches or w/e and slink back to my hole like I was before.

idk Its just. a bad night in the house of bun. I've had these thoughts festering and I guess today was the dam breaking. It's probs cuz I'm nervous posting Chimeras because it's a very dark au.

[iacon-stargazer]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE: MUN & MUSE

fill out & repost ♥ this meme definitely favors canons more, but i hope oc’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. multimuses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

tagged by: stolen from @oneshallfall like.... months ago. im a slow gremlin hjksd. it's been in my drafts and i finally decided to finish the last few sections while working on clearing them out

tagging: steal it

MY MUSE IS.   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless

is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO.

is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  Well.../ NO / IDK. (i know optimus is but i don’t really... know about orion? i have seen a handful of fanartists who turn him into a very sexualized moe baby but i’m not sure about the fandom at large)

is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

are they underrated?  YES / NO. (lmao there’s like no fan content with him unless it’s with megatronus) 

were they relevant to the main story?  YES / NO.

were they relevant to the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO. (not yet.... lol)

how’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

HOW STRICTLY DO YOU FOLLOW CANON?

This... this is a trick question in this goddamn mess of a continuity. That said, I try my absolute best to make my portrayal coherent with the TFP show... even if said show contradicts itself at times. I take inspiration from the earlier parts (the thirteen primes section) of the Covenant of Primus for his origin backstory, but ignore the rest of the Covenant since it makes absolutely no sense with his characterization in... literally anything else. I’ve peeked at Exodus and it utterly sucks, but I’ve picked up bits and pieces of concepts that originated there just from spending time in the fandom. Aside from that... I spend a ton of time thinking about how to weave everything together in a way that both makes sense and makes for a character development arc.

SELL YOUR MUSE! (aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.)

Orion is genuinely kind, thoughtful, and introspective, very loving of the world around him.

He’s also a more complex character than is initially obvious - despite mostly being good sweet pure baby nerd he’s still flawed, with many of those flaws being his strengths put into the wrong situation. His strong morals can lead to dogmatism, and he’s only slightly less likely to deliver lectures than Optimus. His determination to be kind and help everyone can come off as unintentionally patronizing at times; he has a very “well-intentioned semi-privileged middle class” perspective that he’s not always self-aware of. However, he’s also willing to look at himself critically and learn/adapt. 

Essentially, he has many of the same traits as Optimus... just more or less apparent and/or developed. He's less confident than he eventually becomes through his future experience with leadership, wanting to change the world for the better but sometimes struggling to ground his plans in reality—something that continues to apply, but with reduced intensity and frequency over time. Idealistic cinnamon roll will eventually develop some realism, though never really quite enough. His selflessness remains a strength for now, but we know that eventually it will dip into martyristic tendencies.

NOW THE OPPOSITE! (list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?)

He could be potentially ‘boring’ in some senses. he’s the polite, considerate ‘next door’ type, who has for most of his life has just lived as a very average middle caste nobody. He’s more laid-back than he eventually becomes as optimus, but where others might get into trouble and shenanigans he’s most likely to just express concern. And since I try to keep him at least mostly ic, even with non-serious posts, this can derail ‘fun’ stuff and I fear dissuade some interaction.

While I try my best to give him realistic flaws that work with his character, he could still be seen as a little too good. very kind, understanding, forgiving, patient, considerate... almost endlessly so. A lot of my “he’s so good and pure” interpretation comes from using his having been the thirteenth prime as backstory, where he was pretty much the epitome of that, but some might not like the “he was a literal deity in a past life” idea for its “super special chosen one protagonist” elements.

His responsiveness to his environment can also be a downside. He’s not the type to start things; he just reacts and responds, standing his ground and finding himself when things get crazy around him. without megatronus, he may have eventually attempted political campaigning, but it wouldn’t have gotten very far. He needs to have more intense characters or events around him for major plots to really go places. Without those nothing would ever happen besides slice of life fluff, because he’s content with that kind of life.

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO RP YOUR MUSE?  

Honestly I just wanted to write op/ratch fhsjkdjsdh. But I also wanted to be able to interact with a variety of muses and so I chose Orion over Optimus because he’s not so emotionally closed off, which I figured would give more flexibility beyond the handful of characters op would reasonably have close personal and/or plot-important relationships with. Also, I can relate to him on a thought-process level which lets me get into his head easily, which additionally made him an appealing choice for my first real rp muse.

WHAT KEEPS YOUR INSPIRATION GOING?  

I just love him so much, especially with the layers of his character I've built up around him. I don't always have inspiration to write or rp, but I think about him a lot. When I do find motivation to write, it's generally out of wanting to continue to work on developing him and just having a chance to express his characterization.

SOME MORE PERSONAL QUESTIONS FOR THE MUN.

do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO.

do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO.

do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO.  (i should do it more...)

do you think a lot about your muse during the day? YES / NO.

are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO. (at least most days fhsdhfskj)

are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO. (it waxes and wanes. I know I'm a good writer but I could still be better...)

are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO.

DO YOU ACCEPT CRITICISM WELL ABOUT YOUR PORTRAYAL?

I’ll be honest; I’ve never gotten criticism. I haven’t been here very long in comparison to some and I’ve never been that popular, so I figure I’m pretty easy to just ignore. I guess how I would feel about it would depend on what it was and how it was delivered, though I like to think I would be reasonable regardless

DO YOU LIKE QUESTIONS, WHICH HELP YOU EXPLORE YOUR CHARACTER?  

yes? yes absolutely?

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES TO A HEADCANON OF YOURS, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?  

I would be curious to hear their reasoning, but I think enough about how everything fits together that chances are I would agree to disagree

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES WITH YOUR PORTRAYAL, HOW WOULD YOU TAKE IT?

Depends on if their disagreement makes sense. Maybe I’ll give back my own reasoning for why I characterize the way I do. Maybe I’ll just agree to disagree, if their view is just totally different from mine. If they have valid points I’ll probably overthink it and spiral into self doubt. In all cases I’ll spill my thoughts to friends on discord.

IF SOMEONE REALLY HATES YOUR CHARACTER, HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?

......Orion in general or? ... fhsjkdhf...... Well if it was mine specifically that might hurt lol. But at the same time.... I doubt i’d agree with their takes either so... fair enough.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PEOPLE POINTING OUT YOUR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS?  

Sure. I’m good at grammar so if something glaring is there it’s probably a typo I missed and I’ll be grateful for the chance to edit it out before more people see it lol

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EASY GOING AS A MUN?  

Yeah. I’m pretty quiet most of the time because I just don’t have energy to talk to a lot of people, and I never want to get caught in drama. I honestly wouldn’t know what to do in a situation like that. I tend to avoid conflict, I’m quick to apologize, and polite with anyone I don’t know very well.

[1000-rat-corpses]

here's a little behind the scenes on my toreba addiction in the form of a little baring the ugly, and a little bit of '2020 the year of the pandemic in review' loool

i post my wins on toreba in those big ol walls of shit, right

WELLLL, it aint all sunshine and rainbows...

first the depressing part.

you should SEE the level of fails i go through to get to the point where i can post those compilations. just now i spent what would have been like... 42 dollars of points (23 plays) and didn't win the fucking thing, bailed bc i wasnt sure what to do and had like idk 2 plays left of points, then someone fixed the prize's position in one shot, passed it to another person, and that person won it in 2 plays. i was right behind the winner bc i had requeued hoping my two plays could do it.

the kicker is that if i hadn't fucked it up in the beginning part by bringing it just like idk a half inch too far right, it could have been won in 5-6 plays.

5-6 versus 23, and no win. lol that shit does get to you, bc tho it's not real money im spending it's a lot of time and effort goes into earning free points so the sting is sharp and biting, and it sits on you for the rest of the day, and sometimes days after bc you no longer have that stash of points you were working for and stockpiling for so long.

i earned a lot of points for my brother's account by doing some shitty mobile game offer. i won about 3 things with something like 240 dollars of points bc i was impatient, and he wanted this goku figure. i really wanted to win it for him bc like, thats a nice thing to do right? im winning all these other things for myself so surely i can get him the one thing he really wants (ftr i have won him like at least 6 things he likes/wanted so there is that) butttttt i stupidly got all sunk cost fallacy on that machine. i won the goku with my VERY last available play. in total costing me something like 100+ dollars of points. i whaled on a miku figure i already won 3 of bc i got baited on a machine that looked 'good', and spent 90 in points on her. i whaled on a similar machine for a shitty ugly looking edward elric figure: 74 dollars worth. 72 on some stupid pocaccho plush. and these are just a few.

my worst offense was a 3am depression whale. 125k tp (125 dollars worth) gone down the drain for this lil dude. and i did not win him. ever.

because i love persona 3. and i had won THREE of the persona 4 version of this, but minato who i like way more eluded me....and the night before i passed off a one shot win to another person thinking it wasn't good. LOL. the machine i played on was total ass, and my skill wasn't up to par i guess bc it got close so many times only to be reset. i kept whaling until i reset it for the millionth time and decided to let go bc there was no progress. my friends in discord were like bro you gotta let go but even tho you've got people telling you to stop sometimes it's really really hard. the hatred i had for myself for that stupid ass whale session for probably like a week was *chef's kiss* IMMACULATE. for the record, i could have just bought him for like, 23 dollars including shipping from a website doing preorders. OR i could have just sold one of my p4 spares to make money to buy him. but no it was like, you gotta win it. i would have been 100% satisfied if i had just won him after 125k tp spent. at least i told myself that. honestly i think i would have.

now here's the sappy part.

probably what is surprising to most people is that the social aspect of this game is phenomenally rewarding. i've made sooo many new friends during quarantine. we've had so much fun across all types of media even outside of getting in voice to help each other win prizes or just give someone company while they whale a bunch of free points (these are fun nights!!). we also host movie streams together, play games together, fuck around with the mudae bot with waifu gacha and waifu wars, bitch about low ball offers on mercari lol, and try to console and help each other out in our channel called 'gamblers hotline' lol. we've seen the rise and fall of the main, singular toreba discord at the time and witnessed it get nuked for no reason bc the owner hd a meltdown lol, then watched our tiny group refrom TWICE until we got it right, then watched on the side eatin popcorn while two new 'main' discords began to fight for dominance.

we change our nicknames in discord on the fly bc it's fucking funny, and to hold ourselves accountable. I was [Punished Lycoris] after that 125k p3 whale and fail, and for a while stuff like [Lyco - FREE PLAY ONLY DAY 3] to show we're keeping our responsible streak up XD

this all sounds pretty insane i guess bc 'gambling addict found family' doesn't really sound too...normal LOL. but i can't imagine what my 2020 would have been without them. it's kinda sappy i guess. it's nice to make friends you can talk to until 3am night after night with actual voices when the pandemic had you feeling some type of way.

the days of tons of points we had back in the fall-winter of 2020 is pretty much over though - the nature of our free point offers has kinda changed so we dont hold those fun night time streams of others playing, but we're hanging in there i guess.

sooo yeeah. i could write so much more, but ill stop there lol

this is what us fucked up addicts go through lmfao