#i've typed chaos so many times that idk how its spelled

[not-easy-being-green-124]

Chaos Hours

Third Post: People like me? Sounds fake but okay.

tl;dr --> Apparently my love language is “words of affirmation” and apparently I don’t get enough of that and so when people say nice things I just *full restart*

Last night’s anon: This is about you <3

So, I’m going to refer to the first anon from last night as Golden-Heart Anon because of the yellow hearts and apparently I like to name people. Anyhow.

That ask? It literally short-circuited my brain. I honest to goodness couldn’t think. I think I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

The weird thing is that I wasn’t even in a bad place yesterday. I was in a good brain space. I was comfortable in my skin and with who I am. I was cheerful.

And then I realized that even when I love myself, I don’t expect other people to like me. And I have no idea why.

I’ve alluded to it before, this inability for me to process that people like me. Logically, I know this. I have friends. I love them. They laugh with me and tell me they like my company. Apparently they enjoy my company. But I can’t process that beyond a logical, black and white, pencil on paper understanding. It’s as if my brain goes “well of course. they are Nice People. They tolerate you.”

Despite the fact that my friends (bad influences group, I’m looking at you) (also Tee you’re the best) (and the rest of my tumblr crew) actively seek me out? Don’t tell me to shut up? Occasionally tell me point blank “no I like to hear you talk”? I hear that.

And somehow it doesn’t make it any further than my skin. It settles like a thin blanket on my skin, comforting, but unable to penetrate any further. And it’s no one’s fault. It’s something in me, that can’t process it.

Except for sudden, random moments. Like when my friend went “yeah, I had a major crush on you.” Or Golden-Heart Anon. Or @pendragonpants​. Those got under my skin somehow. I don’t know why? 

I think part of it is that none of the above were really solicited. My friend’s came out of the blue (we were talking about crushes and then BOOM). Golden-Heart Anon’s was so spontaneous and honest. And I think it was also that I don’t know who they are. I don’t know if we’ve ever talked. I don’t know if we are mutuals. I have no idea who they are. And yet they decided to charge into my inbox with that message and I just. I am faced with no choice but to believe them. There’s no way for me to repay them. There’s no ulterior motive. There’s no way for my brain to perform enough gymnastics to keep that from going deep into my soul.

Pendragonpants too, we don’t talk a ton (because I’m bad at responding whoops). That message was also just so honest that my brain went straight from “whot” to “oh okay We Shall Believe”.

And I want to be clear that this isn’t me fishing for compliments or anything. I have a hard time believing them anyhow. I’m currently in a good brain space. I’m just...so baffled by a) my inability to process that people like me and b) the fact that apparently people like me.

I just. I have no idea why I believe that no one truly likes me. On the rare occasions that I do believe people like me (I can’t gymnastics my way out of my students’ enthusiasm), I can’t fathom why. Again, I can think of Logical Reasons, things that I do for them. But no reason why they would like me.

Actually, I think that’s at the heart of it. Wow. Okay. I think...that’s it.

I’ve spent so long masking, trying to guess what I’m supposed to be, who the person I’m with needs me to be, who the world wants me to be, that I firmly believe that’s who people like. The me that I’ve crafted. She looks a lot like me, she’s not a lie. But she is a front. She’s toned down on the “weirdness”. She’s less chaotic. She’s less desperate. She’s less “too much”. She barely stims. She’s me, just...with some really good instagram filters on. 

And I can’t believe that anyone would actually love or like the Real Me. The one that’s too much. That stims. That makes sheep noises or meows when she’s happy. the one that gets too interested in tv shows. The one that will dive headfirst into literally ANYTHING. The one who gets tired. The one who can’t hang out in the sun sometimes. The one who cancels on plans because she’s too tired and strung out. The one who fails, falls, screws up. The one who cries. The one who is mean sometimes. 

I can’t believe that anyone would like the me that I keep hidden.

Huh. Okay. At least we figured out what the issue is. Fascinating. Heartbreaking? Yeah kinda. 

And I think that’s why you all surprise me. Because tumblr? I’m not filtered here. Like. At all. I mean, you can’t hear or see me, but this chaotic mess of a blog is alllll me. And somehow I’m getting asks going “this is kinda neat” and I’m just like...you talkin to ME? You sure about that? 

I mean, there is also the issue that my love language is words of affirmation and like none of my family or friends who live near me Do That and then we also have The Boss who has said maybe 5 kinds things to me ever so. There’s that too.

Anyhow. That was...heavy. But informative. Honestly these chaos posts are just me talking my ideas out, because that helps me process them. If they stay in my head it’s like a ball of messed up yarn. I gotta get it out and straighten it all out and then I can figure out what’s going on.

Welp. I have work to do.

But Golden-Heart Anon and Pendragonpants, thank you. <3 So much. And to the rest of you, who comment on things (even if I’m bad at replying) -- please know that I see you and I am amazed at everything kind you say.