#i've struggled with insomnia twice in my life. oh and every time they're unexpectedly gone | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mothlegs · 1 year ago

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i looove probably having bpd and at the very least separation anxiety

i looove having nightmares about having breakdowns and physical violence just to wake up crying, unable to fall back asleep and when i finally manage sleep i still wake up after about an hour, knowing i'll be stuck in that sleepless loop till i give up, all just because they're unexpectedly gone

i looove having motivation to do things to improve my future when i'm with them, and being suicidal as soon as they're unexpectedly gone

why is it too much to ask just to be told when they'll be gone? why do i get punished for having feelings? why am i never good enough for them?

#moth having a bad time #a while ago now‚ they freaked out because they saw i told someone i always felt like i was walking on eggshells around them #like. well yeah maybe if you didn't leave me every time i wasn't perfect maybe i would feel more comfortable talking to you #maybe if you didn't do things you're fully aware causes me breakdowns every time i upset you‚ maybe just Maybe i wouldn't be scared of you #they literally terrified me into not showing them my issues #they don't see my anger issues and splitting anymore because the punishment terrified me out of it #i didn't actually get better. i'm just so terrified of doing anything that would make them leave me #i wrote a poem about this‚ about breaking all my bones for them and them still not being satisfied #see: misery meat by sodikken. me severely. see: people eater by sodikken. what they look like from my perspective #i used to be the people eater in my last relationship. it's funny how the roles reverse. i now see myself so much in the person i was with #it's scary #i'm tired. gonna try to sleep again. it's funny i have no sleep issues that i didn't choose (i.e. my sleep routine is shit but i chose that)#EXCEPT. for when theyre unexpectedly gone. i recently had 3 nightmares in 13 minutes about them‚ waking up after each one #i've struggled with insomnia twice in my life. oh and every time they're unexpectedly gone #most of those nights i wake up more than once every hour

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