#i've officially dun fucked up

[jay-drinks-gasoline]

*frantically explaining why i acedently used i/me for your kin to my new friends who are into the sorce that im from*

[processedinparallel]

first tournament!

in little under a month, i'll be taking my first official step on my path to the National Master title!

on september 8th and 9th, i'll be playing a total of six games of USCF rated chess. that's... a lot of chess.

on the 8th, i'll be joining UWM's chess club as they will be hosting a small swiss tournament as a warmup for the next day. i think the time control is G/45d5 if i remember correctly, and i'll be playing two games then.

(the time control notation means that each player gets 45 minutes and there's a 5 second delay before their clock starts ticking)

on the 9th, UWM's chess club is hosting "Chesswaukee", or the Milwaukee Open, and it'll be my first big tournament! i'll be playing four games of G/60d5 i can't stress this enough, but my gOD, i'm so fucking nervous. i'll probably be playing in the Unrated section, but i do wanna see if i can move up. those harder sections have more prize money, so...

pretty sure i make my entrance fee back if i win first place in the unrated section, plus a bonus for the "biggest upset". whatever that means.

either way, i've been studying. it's crazy, but i've never really studied chess before. sure, i watch gothamchess and other youtubers, but i haven't ever read a chess book or done endgames or stuff like that. it definitely is a bit intimidating. i've gotten to the point in my chess where i have to grind in order to improve. the dunning-kreuger effect or however you spell it. to that end, here's some of the things i've been doing to study.

openings:

with openings, i've decided to stick to my guns for the most part. it's a bit scary to learn completely new openings when i'm not even that familiar with the ideas in the ones i already play, so i'm mostly brushing up on my most played openings and learning one or two new ones. i've created a lichess study with the openings i'm gonna study, so if anyone reads this and wants to see some of the variations i',m learning, then i'd be happy to share! i'll list them here, though. mostly, with these openings, i'm trying to be the one to surprise my opponent and not the other way around. i'm trying to gain initiative and force them into openings i am slightlyyy more comfortable around.

as white, i'm going for 1. e4. i'm studying the italian, mostly the fried liver, and learning the evan's gambit. just in case, i'll review some main lines. against the petrov, i'm brushing up on stafford gambit theory as well as reviewing the Nimzowitsch attack. against the french and the caro, i'm going for the exchange variation of both. in most of my games, that's what i go for anyway, so it'll be good to use openingtree.com to see where i go right and wrong in my games there. finally, against the sicillian, i plan on going with the alapin. i've never played it lol. anyway, these are the most played responses against e4, so i feel comfortable leaving my studying there.

as black, i naturally have to have a plan for the most popular opening moves for white. against 1. e4, i'll probably play the scandinavian defense, or what i like to call the scandi. it's the opening i'm most comfortable with, so it is a no brainer pick. i've dabbled in the caro and the french of course, but i'm not sure i'm gonna be able to study/play it enough to be comfy using it in the tourney. against 1. d4, i plan on replying with d5 and seeing what happens. i'm most worried about the london, but i've been studying a weapon against it. using the weapon comes with the drawback of me having to learn an opening variation that forces me in playing something unfamilliar. against the queen's gambit, i plan on going with the slav defense. i'll probably have to learn something against the trompowsky, the english, and 1. Nf3, just to cover as many bases as i can.

middlegames:

i plan on reading Simple Chess by Micheal Stean and playing through some of the games there. also, with the openings i'm learning, just looking up the plans and middlegame ideas that result from those openings. to be honest, the "plans/ideas" issue is the thing i'm most worried about. if i can get out of the opening fine and know some of the plans of the position, i'm fairly confident in playing my best chess from there. i know i'm okay at chess, but my mental is out of whack. if i can FEEL prepared, it'll push me far in my prep for the tournament. that really goes for all the sections here.

tactics:

i think i'm fairly okay at tactics, but... i've been doing them wrong this whole time. i need to completely rewire my brain from scratch. with tactics, i rely heavily on intuition and pattern recognition rather than concrete calculation and seeing all candidate moves. it's a weakness i need to work on. i'll try and do 30 mins to an hour every day of pure tactics training.

endgames:

i honestly think endgames are horrible and boring. and, once again, it's because i suck at concrete calculation. i've lost so many games recently against players that i should've soundly beat, but my endgame technique is not that solid and it takes me too much time to calculate. i don't have the intuition built yet. i gotta play more practical endgames through a book or something, but i don't really have a plan as of now. all i know is i need to do SOMETHING to work on them.

that's it for now! look for an update in like a week and a half!

if anyone is reading this... wish me luck

;-; o7

-Processed in Parallel

[dawnmore]

a friday, march 8, 2024

sooooo why do i have a feeling that this diary is gonna have such a big turn

i don't feel the same way for jay ar anymore, and i think i've kinda gave up on ever fixing things between us, wala na akong plano ayusin pa

bap finally admitted to me that he likes trixy, i still jokingly flirt with him from time to time but i don't really think anything's gonna happen

jj is officially now my *just* guy best friend. i don't feel kilig anymore, i don't asa on anything just like before, i'm not delulu anymore thinking that he might have a thing for me

lorenz though is a different species

but he's not the topic

angeline hapin is the topic.

today was the day i came home from our school's camping trip

boy was it a disaster

but before i tell you that, let me tell you about the days prior to today...

a little context is that lately, me and angge have been really close and have been spending a lot of time with each other compared to before

we even gala'd after school one time with lorraine, where we went to buy milk tea tapos may twenty sa ilalim ng bakal, hindi sila nagdalawang isip sungkitin with a suklay. habang tinataas ni angge yung bakal, inaabot ni lorraine yung twenty with a suklay

anyways yeah, me and angge have been close lately

ahem-

monday, march 4, 2024

the day of our thesis defense

not much happened, just me assisting angge while she changed clothes

and having her sit on my lap while she play my billiards game, her immediately getting off once she won- like she realized something and was flustered

tuesday, march 5, 2024

today i was supposed to go grocery shopping with aljhorie and my other tent-mates(?) to buy some snacks for ourselves. but that didn't happen, forgot the reason why lmao

but i still umuwi ng late kasi i wanted na isundo ako ni kem and he wasn't replying so i kept waiting

while that, me and angge were sitting at the back, only a few people were left in the classroom because we didn't really have class, just practice for the camping

nagbabaliw-baliw siya sa kilig dahil dun sa manliligaw niya, tumitili, sumasandal/higa sakin, just being oaoaoa, while she shows me her phone, displaying a facebook story of him looking pogi and wearing something formal,

everyone left in the classroom was looking at her judgementally because of how wild she was being

she gave me a tour of his account, his post, his pictures

after watching a shirtless video of him i asked angge if she wasn't uncomfortable with him posting himself shirtless on the internet

she quickly replied that no, she wasn't. but then told me that she has talked to him about it before.

which is what confused me, because if she has talked to him about it before then it means that she might've not been glad about it, so i don't know why she's acting like it was the most normal thing on earth- because i for one, if my boy was posting himself shirtless i will throw a fucking tantrum

i texted angge that night to remind her na bilhan niya ako nung neckerchief para sa camping

that conversation ended up with me jokingly flirting with her, her flirting back but repeatedly asking me what if she was serious

her saying weird what ifs like: what if gusto kita? what if pinsan ko talaga yun (yung manliligaw niya)

which confused the hell out of me, and that's when i started to take things seriously

taking the conversation to ig to have more privacy, her trying to confess that she likes me, me playing dumb playing it off as a joke

i keep re-reading the conversation, i've almost memorized it like a script by now

wednesday, march 6, 2024

that day, i was nervous to go to school, i didn't know why but the thought of what might happen after last night makes me feel uneasy but also excited at the same time, i was excited to see her, now that i see her in a new light with the new found information

i was getting a lot of attention that day from my classmates, probably because of what I was wearing

sinamahan ko si angge to buy a white board marker because we couldn't find one and she was going to sulat the song for the gsp on the white board.

while we were walking the hall towards the stairs, my crush from prolific biglang lumabas from her classroom as we walking towards it

me and angge were gaying out and i told her how i literally have the fattest crush on her and showed my phone which i had photos of her saved in my gallery

yeaaah maybe that wasn't a good move to do or say to someone who (not yet confirmed) likes me, but hey- it just felt so natural to me because we were feeling the same way about her and we were being so gay that i just felt comfortable

as she bought the marker from the canteen she forgot to bring her money, so i let her borrow mine (note to self: remind angge about her utang one day)

fast forward we're back in our classroom, angge was writing the gsp song on the board, me having loads of energy that i was nagkukulitan with my classmates, went to lea, the boys na dikit ng dikit sakin tapos lumalayo at lumilipat ng upuan because i was feeling self conscious about my interactions with boys ever since the open forum. occasionally being touchy with angge like the clingy little bitch i am and

i gave her the bracelet i was supposed to give jay ar

for me, it symbolizes that i officially over him and that i want to give my heart this time to someone more deserving

the moment i put the bracelet on angeline's wrist, i have made up my mind

forget about jay ar, this time let's focus on someone who fell for me and chose me first

[boohooiamthefool]

Oof this is a big one. So I've just recently kinda realized it myself and I think I like my bestfriends "crush". Its in quotes cause she likes him, and he likes her, but nothing is official. So, in short, this bitch dun fucked up

I’m sorry to hear that but idk maybe try talking to them less?

[aphaskengland-bitter-tea-drinker]

Okie dokie :) I hope you don't mind I organized the quotes chronologically and to each au to be easier:)

Au 1 -80's biker au

Arthur is at work at the cafe when bikers walk in, ( Ivan, Ludwig, Matt, and more)

Arthur- *disinterest glance at the costumers to the point it's an art form*

Arthur- what do you lads want. *flatly*

Ivan attempts to flirt kinda, trying to be friendly

Arthur- unfortunately yes. Apparently even school after college is expensive, who knew. *glares annoyed *

Orders are taken and the bikers converse

Ludi- no it isn't Matt, prostitutes are one of the oldest jobs in the world.

Ludi-so ivan. What's making you act like a twat

Ludi- if Ivan could get out here and stop failing to flirt with the waiter, it would be great

Arthurs co worker, feli. Flirts with Ludwig as is routine for every time the bikers visit

Ludwig- *sighs*

Ludi- * is deceased*

Ludi- no. Maybe.

Ludi- can we Please. Leave.

Peeps leave, feli asks why Arthur rejects all advances

Arthur- I'm not obligated to.

To change the awkward topic, Arthur tells feli about some weird stuff he saw, shifty stuffs. Crime breakin. Stuff

Arthur- *taps his temple* here and written one other place you'll never find

Feli freaks out and tells Arthur basically he can't tell anyone, Arthur says he should go to the police, and feli tells him he'd die if he went to the police

Arthur- *stares* ... well... I wasn't planning on living that long any long, besides, I won't tell them who told me feli.

Feli, realizing he has no choice, since he's part of the mob * dun dUn DuUn!* feli pulls a gun

Arthur- uh *backs up*

Arthur- *sputters incoherently*

Trap door, look I dunno

Arthur- *falling* WHY DO YOU Even have this......?! *hits the ground* ow fuck.

Arthur- Erghhh fuck

Arthur Escaped, but his full escape was blocked. By a person. In the way. Becuase Ivan forgot something. Damn. Seeing the gun, Ivan says something to the effect of "we are in trouble "

Arthur- no really? What could have possibly tipped you off

Uh bad guy- get back. Into the. Base-basement?

Arthur- no! If your gonna shoot me do it! This gravel will at least make it difficult to clean up!

Pistol whip! Yay!

Ok the pair wake up. In le evil mob basement, uh. Uh. And talk

Arthur- I don't study escaping kidnapping. I study cancer treatment. I'm pretty sure as a biker, dealing with hooligans is in your territory

Arthur- you should know, if we get caught. I'd sell you to Satan for a cornchip. And I don't even like corn chips.

More escApE

Arthur- *putting his shoe back on* ...I'm not as innocent as you might think and we are basically in this together now.

Basically Arthur is free, Ivan isn't. Ivan say leave without me I'm injured I'll only slow you down * self pity blah blah gonna be a "hero"*

Arthur finds this annoying so spite saving it is

Arthur- your not the boss of me.

Arthur- sorry i can't hear you over the sound of me saving you

Arthur help Ivan with his injury

Arthur- sucks to suck, if it helps, I'm top of my clasS

Arthur- at least buy me dinner first *joking nervously as he looks at the scary Russian who might kill him*

Arthur- ladies first *doesnt like cobwebs*

Arthur- sometimes *goes out of sight* the answer *dragging sound* is more obvious *pushes a chair up against the wall* then you think.

Arthur- *pulls himself up through the window* hah!

What a Clean escape! They get to a car and start their life on the run! Meanwhile feli does the same, knowing he'll get punished for fucking up. He also bumps Into a biker, the biker he often flirts with in fact. Ludwig, being ignorant to the situation ( and woo-ed) agrees to help feli

Ludwig- * laughs brightly* no * fixes it* the helmet on feli's head

While Arthur and Ivan continue their seamless escape, they get pulled over by a rookie police officer ( mr jett) but Ivan realizes since the city is corrupt even if this cop is good, Arthur and himself going to jail means the hands of the mob. He presses Arthur to open the car door into the officers face. A lot of silent whisper arguing later, Arthur assaults the officer with the door and drives away. Ivan thinking it would be good to say " nice job" he's wrong. Arthur is angry about being pressured into the life of crime. He just wanted to be a doctor, hence~

Arthur- JUST GIMME THE BLOODY DIRECTIONS YOU OFFICIOUS CUNT

Given the directions to the safe house by the very surprised Russian biker, they arrive.

Arthur- it's just. This no offense is the worst thing I've ever seen

The safe house is less than ideal. Very. Um. Loud?

Arthur- *wakes up* what the hell is that racket

Arthur- this is horrific. hOrrIFiC!

Arthur- *throws silent tantrum*

B-bonding?

Arthur- oh fuuuuucckkkkk you. Fuck you and your "I should be happy to be alive". This *gestures to the basement and then the noisy ceiling* is Not! My portrait of living. And I can't start over again! I can't. Your allotted only so many chances. And I've used mine.

Arthur- your an idiot.

Arthur- .... what the hell man.

Arthur- becuase id rather die a stubborn cunt than a fucking pussy!

LIKE A REAAAAALLLY LONG TIME LATER ARTHUR gets captured. Again. And naturally the following is how all would respond to a mob boss. Right? Right.

Arthur- *cringing* yes well that's what father Donavan said too.

Arthur- well I would prefer to go out with a bang- get it?

Au2

Single dads au, y'all know that other blog

Arthur- oh lovely now I actually have to work. *sighs*

Describing mental stability to boyfriend after traumatic experience

Arthur- all is tip top up here. * taps temple*

Arthur- I have a theory I broke when I was 17 in biology class and since then this is just who I am now and I can't get more stressed than I already am,

Arthur- I assume.

Arthur- I don't want him touching my stuff.

Arthur- *snorts* that's a bit pretentious don't you think?

Arthur- so... anything new

Ludwig being normal? Uh yeah? Normal teen boy person? No.

Ludwig- *remembers he's supposed to host* do you desire quenching?

Ludi- *looks at the ceiling fan.

Au 3 poet prince Ludwig

He's a poet and a prince that used to be a peasant but they discovered him of royal blood so know he's getting groomed. He's a psychic to make matters harder

His poetry

Laziness is the mother of efficiency, Being human is overrated, Like all things, it begs for death, She sleeps, misdemeanors dancing in her head

Buying a plant

Ludwig- *starring at the flytrap* this is how I want to die

Ludwig- to poison people? *interested ( looking at tomato plant)

Ludwig- *fools. I plan to procure many of them to kill me, not one giant one* thank you

Ludwig- *frowns slightly, *

Training

*has no training whatsoever the goal seems so just be hits some shit

Ludwig- ? Fight the tree?

Ludwig- *laying on the ground with his eyes closed * Gilbert "what are you doing Ludwig- *opens one eye* Ludwig- pretending to be dead

Ludwig- * wants to destroy all germs

Ghost conversing. Like you do

Ludwig- uh. Yeah well. Shouting out the window . Yeah

Ludwig- piano is cool... is that your grave outside?

Ludwig- ugh. All you've done is expose my deepest shame and confuse me

[sufferthesea]

dude can i help you kill hiruzen? he dun fucked up and i've got nothing to lose xDD

IT INFURIATES ME TO NO END BECAUSE I AM LITERALLY ALWAYS IN MOM MODE SO WHEN I SEE THAT HE DID NOTHING TO HELP THOSE CHILDREN, HALF OF THEM RAISED THEMSELVES SOMEHOW?? (NARUTO?? HE WAS ORPHANED AS A BABY WHO THE HECK RAISED HIM?? DID THEY ABANDON HIM AFTER A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF YEARS?? IS IT THE WHOLE “IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD”? BECAUSE THAT VILLAGE CERTAINLY TURNED ON NARUTO), AND ALL THE STUFF THAT COULD HAVE EASILY BEEN PREVENTED I GET SO ANGRY!!!! 

Seriously, tho. Have you ever seen Apocalypto? There’s a scene where after all the village’s adults have been enslaved and kidnapped, they’re walked across this river and their children are following them and they can’t cross, so this, like, 8 year old girl?? (if she’s even that old) stands on the bank of the river and shouts, “Don’t worry about them! I will take care of them - they’re my children now!” And my mom (sobbing) turned to me and said, “That’s you.” 

I will protect my fictional children with my life. 

LET ME KILL HIRUZEN WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS. YES YOU CAN HELP ME. THE MORE THE MERRIER. HE WAS AN AWFUL HOKAGE AND PEOPLE LAUDED HIM AS A HERO ALL THE TIME AND NARUTO WANTED TO BE LIKE HIM - LIKE WHY?!?! SWEETIE NO. 

Angry Fans Against Hiruzen (aka the Hiruzen Assassination Squad) is officially formed.