#i've lost a lot of my solaces recently...a lot strengthening pillars in my life...i've lost my security blankets if you will
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Believe it or not, I'm trying with every fiber of my being to be okay. I'm trying incredibly hard to remain positive.
#it's just hard y'know like i barely stop to think about how challenging this would be to someone else#like i'm a recovering addict (5 months in) with bipolar disorder#and i try to ignore my addiction but y'know cravings exist and sometimes i feel so much hurt that i just wanna go back and be numb#but i can't#because this disorder is almost as worse..if not more worse than addiction#like i like to think i'm resilient i've been through a lot of awful shit y'know aha too much shit you could say#and somehow i survive#but this has been the toughest ordeal of my fucking life#i get choked up/upset thinking about it y'know#i've lost a lot of my solaces recently...a lot strengthening pillars in my life...i've lost my security blankets if you will#and i've been stripped naked of just everything..#i can't write..my work...i based my self-worth on my poetry y'know because fuck it's me it's who i am#it's the only good aspect/skill i have to my name#so to just exist as this person who's just suffering day in and day out#it fucking sucks aha it makes me feel so incredibly low...like i'm not worth shit i'm just a worthless burden#and i'm trying to find anything literally anything like i don't have anything in my life to look forward to aha i'm poor#i can't treat myself with something or go out somewhere#i'm just stuck#and i'm trying to find anything that's good even shit that's impossible or might not happen like if it keeps here that's good enough right#but yeah that's kinda pathetic my life is so shit i have to imagine shit because i have nothing in my life aha#it's just a lot..#and i think to myself#i've kinda lost all my friends like none of them give a flying fuck none of them talk to me anymore even tho i tried to kill myself twice#there's no support#there's nothing/nobody in this world that would be tremendously affected by my absence like most people would get over it i'm not special#i'm just this reclusive low-life who loves/cares about famous people she doesn't even know#but i don't matter to them y'know#that's not how life is#i'm just me#and there isn't anything to live for....and it hurts.
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