#i've just. been in a constant thought spiral about so many things for the last month and a half. and nothing has changed or shifted

[camellia-thea]

.

[masquerade-of-misery]

Just some mental health rambling, because I need to let this out somewhere.

If you are sensitive to topics like depression and self-loathing, feel free to keep scrolling.

In the past pair of weeks I've been spiralling deeper into depression again.

A lot has been happening in my life which affect me badly. I feel trapped, hopeless, disappointed, miserable. About life, about myself, about people.

It feels like whenever something remotely good happens, I can start worrying when that good thing will end, when it will turn bad, or what kind of "punishment" life will give me for having a moment of peace and joy.

I've been keeping so much to myself. Even with my family, whom I'm the closest with, can't share certain things, because they just simply wouldn't understand. I have only one person "in real life" that shares my love for Twst and who I can really talk to about everything. We live together, and she's an immigrant living in my country. Every 5 years, the terror overwhelms us when it's time to reapply for her residence permit. We live in constant fear of losing each other, of her application getting rejected. We are each other's life support and have known each other for 10 years now. If that gets taken away... I don't even want to think about it.

My parents and brother always tell me I can share everything with them, and they are here for me no matter what. And I know that, but... I also know that they would never understand my love for Twst and my deep love for Lilia. They would just suggest I see a damn therapist.

They would like to see me in a happy romantic relationship, but I have lost all my interest in meeting people honestly. I have never been lucky with men, and don't think I ever will be. I've been betrayed and ghosted by friends countless times, so I'm tired of trying to form friendships as well.

Also, I have huge self-esteem issues. I hate everything about myself. Every part of my body, my voice, my clumsiness, my social awkwardness, my struggles with verbal communication, my stupid blushing for no reason... I hate it all. I see my reflection in the mirror and have to tear my eyes away from it, because I despise the person looking back at me.

Last weekend, I had to realize just how different my brother and I have become, too. We've always had a strong bond, we were like the "prepare for trouble and make it double" duo. We argued and fought a lot as kids and teens, but we always have been a strong unit. But last Saturday, it became clear that basically I cannot say anything he considers "negative", "hateful", or "complaining", because he will turn it into a goddamn lecture. And the way he tells you his opinion is so condescending as fuck and makes you feel like you are a stupid kid who knows no better and needs to be taught. Even if his intentions are good, he still comes across as... arrogant? Mocking? And then when I said something nice about someone, it basically made me a hypocrite? So, no matter if I cuss at a stranger under my breath or make a kind comment about them, it's a problem??

I don't even know what topics to talk about with him, because our views on life and people have become so vastly different. His heart would also shatter if he found out I don't want to become an aunt and deal with kids, even if they are related to me by blood.

So, I just shut the fuck up from now on and keep most of my thoughts to myself. Even here, on my own damn blog, I'm not sure if I'll find any understanding. People are so damn sensitive nowadays, you cannot express any "negative" thoughts, can't get angry or sad, because then you become "toxic" and "hateful".

And then everyone is surprised why there are so many depressed, lonely, miserable people who don't want to or cannot open up. Or worse, they reach the point where they off themselves.

I'm tired. I'm just so exhausted. Even sleep can't bring me full peace, because my brain just plagues me with disturbing, disgusting, or simply depressing or nonsensical dreams.

I can't see the man I love even in my dreams. I can't hug him, kiss him, laugh with him...

I don't see the point in anything anymore. I just want to disappear.

[sputnik422]

TWS’s “hey! hey!”: What do you feel when you run with me?

Dear Reader,

I want to start this off by saying that I tend to overthink things a lot. Like, a LOT a lot. I've written and deleted and written and re-written this post's opening so many times already, I feel like it will never go public. I'm also a fairly emotional person (though if you ever met me you probably wouldn't be able to tell) with a very vivid imagination. These three aspects of myself often combine and keep me trapped inside of my head with an onslaught of thoughts about my life (all the things I’ve experienced, all the things I haven’t, and all the things I may never get to) and how it compares to everything I interact with. They say the grass is always greener on the other side and I too suffer this powerful sense of longing for any life that isn’t mine. This particular thought process tends to come back around when I encounter something that speaks to the part of me that’s always been a bit lonely and had trouble connecting with the world and people around me. Something exactly like “hey! hey!” by TWS.

Released on June 5th, 2024 (my birthday!) as a pre-release single leading up to their 2nd mini album, "hey! hey!" is a love letter to summer and youth. The music video puts the members in a high school setting, on what can be assumed is the last day of school. The six boys gather after the final bell rings, running out into the world and just having fun. They play basketball, eat ice cream, hop on a bus to the middle of nowhere, simply because they can. There's an inherent sense of freedom that comes with the summer, one that is often kept away from younger people. With the removal of any and all academic responsibilities, these kids are free to be kids again.

While the music video itself is enough to bring on a tidal wave of nostalgia and longing for summers gone by, pairing it with the song, particularly the lyrics, invokes a very strong set of emotions within me.

The Lyrics

The lyrics to this song, how do I even begin to describe how they make me feel? "hey! hey!" is about a relationship, specifically the very unlikely yet fierce bond between the narrator, N, and whoever they are singing to. It could very well be referencing a group of people, mirroring the music video, but for purpose of ease I will refer to the subject as a singular person. We'll call them S for short (very ironic yet fitting nicknames indeed). A great number of things stood between these two figures at some point in time, be it time zones or borderlines, yet they have somehow still managed to find their way to each other. It's miraculous really and the sentiment makes me think about just how slim the odds are that we get to exist. That the person who I consider myself to be, my distinct personality, gets to exist instead of the billions of other possibilities that existed before I was born. Now throw all the people I love into the equation and you get the beginnings of a typical 2 A.M. spiral.

Existential crisis aside, the introduction of the subject into the narrator's life was clearly a very pivotal event. To completely change one's mindset from, "I was all alone" to "Now I'm loving the word together" is no small feat. This theme of unity and togetherness is one of a handful that sit at the core of "hey! hey!". It is most easily seen through the constant use of plural possessive and subject pronouns like "we" and our" along with the way N continues to reassure S. N urges S to remember that neither of them have to be alone and work toward their shared goal in isolation anymore.

"I am by your side / We run together"

So, clearly the narrator and the song's subject are very close, to the point that the former could not fathom ever leaving the latter behind. This show of affection, how N is able to comfortably and confidently devote themself to S in this way, it got me thinking about the many nuances of interpersonal relationships.

Firstly, while the exact kind of relationship that N and S have is never specified, I think you would be doing this lyrical narrative a disservice to boil it down to just being another love song. Instead, I urge you to view it as something purely platonic yet much more tangible than a mere friendship. To me, the narrator and the subject are clearly some kind of soulmates. More specifically: Twin Flames.

If you could take one soul, split it in half, and place those halves into two separate bodies, those two people would be twin flames. It's different than the typical idea of a soulmate because instead of simply being compatible, you and your twin flame are direct mirrors of each other. They are someone who reflects your own growth, your own challenges, and even your deepest fears. You may not believe in these kinds of things, I myself only really see them as something fun to think about. But I also like to imagine that out of the more than eight billion people currently inhabiting the planet at least two have met and formed a relationship of this kind.

Lines like, “Our passion burning at equal temperatures” and "I want to cry out our dream" illustrate the similarities between N and S are. As previously stated there is a shared goal being worked towards here and both figures are fueling each other's ambitions, lifting each other up to that they can achieve it. Its like a never-ending feedback loop of passion, the force bouncing between the two at a speed so fast that it forms a tangible link. Through this channel the two are able to achieve that deeper level of understanding that comes with being two halves of the same whole.

This brings me to the last aspect of the song that I'd like to discuss today. In one draft of this post I started off with a thought exercise and I liked that idea so much that I will now be moving it down here. I want you to think about someone who you are thankful for. Could be a family member, could be a friend, just take a moment to really think about them. What have they done that makes them come to mind? Do you ever wonder why they've stuck around for so long, despite the trials and tribulations? Have you ever been able to tell them how grateful you are to have them in your life?

This is the dilemma at the heart of this song. Our narrator is very passionate, optimistic, and enthusiastic, but they are not without fear. There was once a time when N stood frozen, petrified by the uncertainty of the future and all that could come with it. They had nobody to sooth this anxiety and the world around them seemed to grow duller by the day. With the arrival of S and all of their support, the narrator is able to see a path into the light once more. Its not just the narrator's taking meager steps towards an unknown tomorrow anymore, they have someone by their side every step of the way. Those previously apprehensive steps become a steady walk, and that becomes a jog, until we reach the present point where the narrator is sprinting towards the future with courage and ease.

When you're with your special person, what words come to mind? When you're faced with the person to whom you owe everything, staring into their eyes as your sprint comes to a crawl and your chests rise and fall in tandem, how do you tell them that they are the reason you've managed to keep going all this time? When every fiber of your being resonates with theirs, what words could possibly even begin to convey how you feel?

The answer isn't "thank you". It isn't "You mean the world to me". It isn't even "I love you". Shockingly enough, the narrator begins by asking a question of their own.

"What do you feel when you run with me?"

When I stand by your side does it make you feel complete? When I take you by the hand, pressing our pulses together and finding that they are perfectly in time, does send a wave of contentedness trailing up your arm and across your entire body? When we finally take that first step towards the unknown, each footprint shining with the power of our potential and the hopes we share, illuminating the path to that unified tomorrow, are you glad that its me by your side? When we come face to face, two people who have managed to beat those impossible odds, crystalline mirror souls, do these thoughts and feelings arrive safely at the front door of your heart, of your mind, from their permanent residence within mine? Do they burrow in deep, transmitting a signal containing the overwhelming amount of gratitude that I hold for you? Are you sending your own signal back?

The narrator grabs the subject and smiles. They open their mouth, saying out loud the one message that has managed to make its way through this frightening whirlwind of emotions, the one thing they've been meaning to say all along.

"Out of tens of thousands of feelings I've got / I'll tell you how glad I am to have met you"

---

If you couldn't tell that this song is one of my favorites to come out this year, I sure bet you can now! And not just because it came out on my birthday. I've been wanting to lay out my thoughts about this release since the day that I first heard it and started raving about it to my friends on discord. It really does hold a special place in my heart, the way its able to be so emotionally vulnerable and say all of the things that often don't get said. It makes me think about the people in my life. Do they know how much they mean to me, even if I've never said it out loud? I know there are more ways to show gratitude than with words but I also happen to think that the method that appears the simplest can have the greatest effect. On the other hand there's the part of me that craves a connection exactly like the one detailed in "hey! hey!". In contrast with the picturesque vision that the music video presents, my school days were quite lonely. I was one of those kids who went to school and went immediately home, preferring the comfort of my room and the stimulation of the internet over extracurriculars. I could go an entire school day without talking to somebody simply because I had no presence in the class, I didn't register on anyone's radar. Once the pandemic hit and I had no reason to physically interact with a majority of my peers, I felt even more disconnected.

There's a part of me that thinks I'm being overly dramatic. My family are all very loving and I've been lucky enough to know the person who I call my best friend for about 6 years now. We may not have started off this close but time many overlapping hobbies have made it so that our friendship feels effortless. But there will always be that part of me that yearns for things to just fall into place, to experience the sparkling school days as seen in the music video. I fantasize about what it would be like to meet someone and instantly have that natural understanding, the ability to speak my mind and be vulnerable around them without simultaneously wanting to crawl out of my own skin. I want a kindred spirit.

If the universe has handed you someone who you can easily connect with, someone who makes living even a little bit easier, hold them tight and never let them go. You were put on this earth at the same time for some unexplainable reason, and as my favorite lyric in the song says: "Being together is truly / Fate, much more than coincidence". Make sure they know they are loved and appreciated in whatever way you feel the most comfortable because one day it may be too late and regret is one of the most difficult feelings to move on from.

Didn’t mean to get so downcast at the end there but what can I say! Just me being me. It was nice to finally be able to think this song through and write (very informally) about some of the reasons why I love it. If anyone actually read all of this of their own volition, even if its just because I asked you to, you’re the best and I’m sending you a virtual high-five. Seeing as there are more than enough songs that have moved me in similar and different ways, I hope I’ll be able to put out more of these in the future.

Until then,

˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗

[astriiformes]

Poking and prodding at my brain now that I have another potential dose of context for why it melts down and spirals over things so often and like. Putting everything in a list there really is a pattern I should have been paying more attention to probably, but have always just identified as bad anxiety or neurodivergent quirks

That said, it is also making me feel immensely lonely because I have lots of neurodivergent and anxious friends I've gone to for advice over the years, but I'm realizing that my possible pure-obsessive OCD and scrupulosity tendencies may be why I've often responded poorly to their attempts at help. Which is good to understand, and ultimately may help me tell them what I do need but. Also means I am suddenly hyper aware of how irrational the stuff I can't help but meltdown over is, and feel really stupid for it and also like the people I'm closest to aren't going to have much advice for me.

Anyways. For my own connecting-the-dots purposes. Some very normal thoughts I have had breakdowns over before:

As a kid who was raised Evangelical, had a pretty classic case of the religious/blasphemous intrusive thoughts often associated with OCD that caused me an immense amount of distress. This one has calmed down entirely now that I have extricated myself from that environment, but also for a couple years after leaving the church I would have similar thought spirals literally any time someone mentioned the concept of the afterlife/hell.

Adjacently, the second part contributed to me having a fear of death so intense for a while that I once broke down crying in my mom's car during the 7-minute drive from my dad's place to hers on a night where there were no other cars on the road because I was so convinced we were going to die in a car crash.

Unfortunate fact: I was trying to get into Discworld at the time and read Mort while all this was going on and my opinion of the series has never quite recovered.

.......Have multiple friends very into Discworld and used to spiral any time it got mentioned because it felt like a moral flaw that it stressed me out so much because I shouldn't feel that way about something to important to my friends, and additionally felt like it would be, essentially, thoughtcrime to blacklist it.

(This is better now and I am probably going to give the books another try, but for a while I was very stupid about it)

Spent actual years searching for a place to buy gatorade powder that wasn't Walmart or Amazon even though I need it for actual health reasons, because they were the only places I could find it and I have an obsessive avoidance of both companies and couldn't bear the thought of buying from them for the first time in years. Over something I needed. For my health.

Opposite of the Discworld problem: some of my friends have problems with a TV show I like which means I have spent entire evenings crying myself to sleep with guilt because obviously I cannot like things that the people in my life are bothered by

I am not joking I missed class regularly as a result of the last one for several weeks, I was so distraught.

And like I also have dealt with a lot of other things over the years, including really upsetting intrusive thoughts (usually of the "what if something violent and gory happened to you and/or your loved ones," variety, with a side of self-harming and suicidal thoughts -- being a really visual thinker makes this particularly terrible) and constant spiraling over perceived social/moral missteps.

And I guess I'm feeling kind of frustrated because so many people have latched onto the more... hm... relatable I guess aspects of my anxiety in ways that have made me think the above are like. Normal for someone with really bad anxiety (and trauma too, I guess, though I think that really is the source of some of them) and I've fallen into beating myself up over not being able to overcome mine the way everybody else seems to. And now I still don't even entirely feel like I'm allowed to self-diagnose any of this as OCD specifically but I'm also realizing that there is something much more fucked up and irrational happening in my brain than I thought because I just assumed this was how mental illness was for everyone and I was just. Really bad at managing it.

[mapof-mysoul]

K-POP ?

It's been a while, but here I am. I was under a lot of stress as I was getting a new job. I started this week and though i haven't done much besides training. I'm excited about the possibility. I have been writing and reading and existing. My mind seems clearer not without its usual hurricane  of thoughts but just enough for me to see out from where I stand in its eye. 

Enough for the constant ache to be dulled. Kinda like what KPOP does to me. 

Weird transition but okay. I'll talk about KPOP.

As I write this I'm listening to BTS and Lee Know from StrayKids is commenting on bubble. So my reason for getting into KPOP BTS and my reason for spiraling down its rabbit hole SKZ. I thought it was a small hyper fixation as most things are for me. But a year and a half later here we are multi stan and all.

I joined this world just as BTS was announcing its group hiatus. Which sucked but I think I was lucky also. I get to experience them all for the grammys together and I get to learn them though their own individual music and schedules. I get to see them each for who they are as artists outside of BTS global phenomenon. I get to go back and see their struggles and growth knowing how it will all turn out.

I do however miss those who have enlisted and i'll miss those who still have to enlist. But thanks to BTS I have 5 individual artists I love and soon that will be 7 once JK and V  release their solos.

Thanks to them opening the door I found SKZ, which includes 8 chaotic guys whose music, energy and personalities also make me feel. 

When your mind is a mess to be pulled out of that is as close to euphoric as it gets. 

Yes there are other groups I enjoy. But these particular two make me feel seen, heard and understood. Yes they speak a language I'm struggling to learn but that's the thing they have opened me up to a culture and side of the world i never would have otherwise thought of learning about. Food, culture, language, customs and history are only a few of the things I've allowed myself to start learning. I want to understand them fully. 

The effort it takes is worth it. When you learn the meaning behind lyrics or remarks they make. Whether it's Love Yourself or Youtiful, I am grateful for the feelings behind these songs. I am grateful that I can know this world of BTS and SKZ and get immersed in so much more than their beauty. I mean yeah it's great to look at them, collect photo cards, albums or place posters on my wall. But when I look at those things I remember their words of kindness. 

I remember JK talking about how he missed us. Or Bang Chan seeing us weekly for Channies room. Things they don't have to do. Eat Jin or Asmr with Felix. Jimin and his little building lives or I.N drinking way too many energy drinks. They chose us as much as we chose them. Taehyung and Lee Know taking time to answer comments on their respective platforms. Namjoon's song recommendations on IG or Yoongi telling us the meanings of his songs regardless of how painful it must be for him to relive it. Hyunjin and Jhope dancing across my screen. Or Changbins laughter. Seungmins sacrasm and jokes and Hans' vulnerability.

These mens gentle masculinity is what has led most of us to feel closer to them then other western artists.

I love western music, from pop to rock, classic, jazz and indie but there is also rap and hip hop R & B on my playlist. As a latina i listen to bachata and ballads, reggaeton or merengue and salsa. My playlist has at least 11 languages on it. 

Can you tell I love music?

As a writer, feeling and hearing an emotion can fill me with it. I dont have to know the language, take one of my favorite songs by BTS' Min Yoongi or in this case his alias Agust D, The Last. 

The first time i heard it i cried, no lyrical reference not in either language i know. Just me feeling exhausted from the pain inside myself. Unable to cry at that point. Maybe it was the angsty pain in his voice but I knew I felt it too. I cried. Silent tears covering my cheeks. I was not alone. When I looked up the lyrics I sobbed again, because my soul understood before my mind could. He himself says music doesn't have a language. 

When I had the opportunity to see him in concert I jumped. Because he is my bias after all. I cried twice, once during Amygdala, because I knew exactly what he meant. Our traumas looked different but their effects were the same. I cried again during Snooze as he repeated over and over and over how "everything was going to be okay". As he reminded me to lean on him to take a break, and then when i'm ready pursue my dream once again. It felt good to hear it in person. But I didn't cry during The Last like I thought I would. Instead I smiled because that was a song that connected him and I and millions of people around the world. 

I wasn't an emotional mess the entire time. Instead I screamed in anger during Burn It, a song that gave way to that kind of behavior as well as a lot of his others. But hearing him pause to say hey “from now on i'll write with less anger”. Reminded me of my own writing journey. Of how I too have written angry and dark and pained. But like him I too have begun to step out of that. When im asked why Min Yoongi, its because he spoke to a part of me i thought would never heal and he was there when when it started to. Im not saying he saved me but it really fucking helped to hear someone, like him say "yeah same".

It wasn't just him, my SKZ bias Bang Chan. Might not have done one of his weekly check in in a while but he is also much like me. He fights for those he loves endlessly, forgetting himself in the process. Working until he pushes too far. Wanting to be better, do better, be the best and continually climb that perfectionist ladder.

I've heard him give advice about living and taking care of yourself. I've also heard him say he values respect amongst all things. He has many times spoken to his Stays about leaving the haters alone. He almost said he liked people who didnt give a fuck. But stopped himself saying people who don't care instead. He has talked about periods and sex education calling it explicit education. A Stay asked “what will i do without you?” his response they should live, “live life to the fullest.” He even says that no matter who you are, what you want to be, he will be there for you. As a leader he is both beyond honest and careful, also hopeful that  overly enthusiastic Stays don't take things out of context or too far. He trusts his fandom. 

So when i say i listen to kpop. This is it. I watch endless content from many groups that catch my attention. Often I laugh until my stomach hurts and oftentimes I cry. I Read books they recommend, learn a language and culture and customs and history. So yes kpop sounds toxic or intense but to me it's safe in a world that often does not provide that. 

A world where my own mind is my biggest enemy. This is where I can both find myself while I lose myself. Disconnect from my own life and become immersed in another one. So ill keep reading subtitles and translations while i learn korean. But i'll also learn about their history and customs. 

Bowing, instead of the western greeting of hugs or Spanish cheek kisses I grew up with, is probably my favorite. I've never been a touching random strangers person. But in Dominican Republic that's what you do. I also love art now too. That's thanks to RM, the leader of BTS, who is an art collector and Hyunjin of SKZ who paints masterpieces to destress. I eat plenty of Korean food and visit HMart too much. But i've never been a picky eater. I'll try anything twice. 

So yeah this was all because of K-POP but I'm lucky I found them when I did because things have only gotten better since.

[acherontiarchivist]

Status Update: Koi No Yokan

Ok everyone, progress report is Koi No Yokan will soon be leaving hiatus. I have given a lot of thought about where I want it to go from here, and honestly I am dying to get the plot I had planned out for it really rolling. At first I wanted to take more time with the slowburn romance, but more than pining I want to cultivate the feeling of fear and anxiety. Yes, there will still be romance, obviously, and lots of smut! But fear has been a driving force with me creatively lately, and I am dying to get that ball rolling more with the plot that i have planted the seeds for, and also so I can move on to other fic ideas. (I have plans for a gabirel fic and a danny johnson fic in the works). There is an end in sight for koi no yokan, but fear not, it is not near, only hovering the horizon. I haven't completely figured out how exactly I want to end it yet. It could go two ways– a good end, fuzzy and romantic and comforting, and a bad end, with loss and tragedy and fear of what is to come. I'm honestly leaning towards the bad end, but that's where the readers come in (that's you)! As it stands I have seven chapters outlined and more to go, and a few chapters partially written. I'm not quite sure how many chapters are left truthfully, if I had to hazard a guess I'd say 10-15, including the chapters I've outlined.

As a thanks for waiting so long, I'll post a little teaser from the next chapter under the cut

(Also, sorry for the long post)

Two glasses of ginger ale sit patiently on the table, collecting condensation. You try not to sweat as much, nervously biting at your nails, wondering how to best bring up the night you came home naturally. Sure, he was occupied for a few days riding a wave of inspiration, you've been there, you could understand that. But was he really? Could that just have been an excuse? He is certainly taking a long time to bring over a few sketches and paintings. Maybe he didn't really have anything to show for his excuse.

A bead of water drips down the glass and collects onto the wooden coaster, captivating your vacant stare. Steady, rapid klinks begin to overlay the fizzy bubbles of the drinks. You worry that Selina's message on her business card pressured him to move more quickly than he was ready for. Was he really going to confess his feelings for you that night, or did he dig himself into a hole and spend the last three days hiding from the mess he made? Either way, you just want to make things right. You can't keep fighting the heavy weight bearing down on your chest, the sense of guilt that has shackled your ankles since he left your house in a hurry with a slam of your front door. God, why do you always do this? You're catastrophizing again, you worry yourself too much. Maybe it's a habit picked up from the constant paranoia that plagued your not so distant past.

Keys release the deadbolt, knocking you out of your spiral just in time. Vincent peers around the door carrying a large, aged leather portfolio. You dart your hand away from your mouth and sit on them both to avoid the scolding for picking up that nervous habit again. "Hi, Vinny," you smile, trying not to look too perturbed.

He approaches your side and places the portfolio flat on the table. When he gets situated on the couch, he places one hand on your knee, steadying your bouncing leg and ceasing the hypnotic klinking noise. How long have you been bouncing your leg?

"Sorry," you look down to the floor out of disappointment in yourself. His thumb rubs your knee as a soothing gesture and you fight back a blush. "So, you gonna open this baby up or what?" You try to sound more chipper and meet his stare with a lopsided smile, letting your hair fall over your face slightly.

Vincent hesitates momentarily before nodding and leaning over to gingerly untie the bound leather. He takes in a heavy breath to brave himself for what he has no doubt is the serious embarrassment and rejection to come, then almost half heartedly flips the top wing of the portfolio over to reveal the sketches and paintings he had spilled his heart into underneath. The couch creaks under his weight as he retreats back into the couch and releases a breath he didn't know he was holding onto. His hand reaches out to grab your own, but goes unnoticed as you sink to the floor on your knees.

 You can't believe what you see spread out on the table before you. Countless loose sketch papers spill from the portfolio, pushed to the floor and falling in your lap as you grab each one and examine it briefly before taking in the next. You. They're all you. Some you can tell are drawn from memories the two of you share– you at the dinner table, laughing with Bo and Lester, you celebrating your miraculous win at a game of pool, you cooking breakfast in the Sinclair's kitchen. Shaky breaths fight to enter your lungs, all the while your chest rising sporadically.

Composure threatens to slip your grasp. Finally, you try to neatly gather them and set them aside from the oil painting that laid beneath the piles of paper. A woman stands in a dark forest, the full moon a halo behind her head. She holds antlers on top of her head and three wolves lay by her feet. This, you realize, is you as well. Your back meets the couch as you try to process it all. All of the words slip your mind, as if you've suddenly forgotten to speak English. You open your mouth to say something, anything, but nothing escapes the void.

Vincent can hear his own heart beating in the silence of the room, threatening to deafen him, even drive him mad. He can't take it, he knows what's coming. His leg twitches as he decides to get up, leave and run away, to never turn back, to lock himself away in his safe place and never see the light of day again. But something happens, something he didn't quite expect.

As soon as you feel him move, your hand almost instinctively meets his knee as if to freeze him to the spot. Now the only sounds occupying the space are his wavering breaths hitting cold wax and the loud pulse that you could no longer tell whether it was his or your own. For the first time in a long time, Vincent finds himself fighting back tears. You swear you could almost hear him whimpering as you pull yourself onto the couch, sitting on your knees and facing him. "Vincent," you whisper and stare at the rise and fall of his chest, unable to make eye contact, still trying to work up the courage.

"Vincent, the other night, I thought I–" you take a deep breath and look him in the eye, "I thought I really fucked up. I thought I had pushed you to– I don't know, rush things I guess?"

He looks at you, unmoving, waiting. You shake your head and look at your hands, picking at a hangnail. "Fuck, I guess I still could be jumping the gun here," you laugh nervously. "Vinny, I just have to hear it from you, okay? Before you run away and hide again and avoid me and leave me a nervous wreck. Please, just tell me if I'm reading into this too much," you gesture to the pages littering your living room. No response from him still, only his grip tightening on the arm of the couch, threatening to rip the upholstery.

"I need to know you want me, too." It comes out as a whisper, tailed by a halted gasp that slips past his lips. Time stops for just a moment between you two, no movement, not a sound. You almost admit defeat and begin to nod your head and turn away, but a strong, calloused hand meets the side of your face and returns it to its previous position, now met with the smooth texture of his mask pressing against your skin. His right arm snakes around you to hold you steady against his chest by the back of the neck, sending Shivers down your spine. His grasp is firm, but not rough, you feel his other arm moving outside of your periphery, then you hear a clatter on the end table directly behind you. You close your eyes, partially because you know that's what he would want and partially as a reaction from his hot breath meeting the bare skin of your neck. His lips ghost your ear and you swear you can almost hear some semblance of 'want you' in his breath before he pulls back to kiss you once again. 

[shoujohn]

I should start writing again I mean blogging. I've always enjoyed the activity of trying to conjure and articulate thoughts to form a presentation of words to venture ideas. Although my confidence in vocabulary and commentary is scarce, this should definitely help. And maybe I'll learn to understand myself better.

I realize that in having no partner romantically nor platonically, I lose myself. What is my role as John in this world, comprised of? What am I good at? What am I to be relied for? What is it that people can look up at me for? I really don't know and get lost with the thought then spiraling happens. Is it concerning that I've normalized spiraling for me? Maybe. The things I do.. things I work hard for... is for me? I question my efforts because I always look to others for affirmation. Like why??? Am I so self blinded that I cannot realize or even measure my self worth? Or maybe it's so obvious to me that I look towards what I lack and make that my reality.

Delusion. Hehe, I've definitely had my toxic relations with being delulu. It's a tool, a weapon, an excuse,... an escape. Incorporating the topic of self worth, delusion has definitely paved a mental path for my growth as a person. Initially, delusion was a vice to help power through the days. The days my sorry life lived through. It's only sorry through my lenses. I feel as though I failed my... purpose? No. Dreams? Nah, too early for that. So what did I fail? Oh maybe my own self expectations? The fact that I know I could've made it better? Hmm, I can honestly claim that I've done typical "dumb" things as a young adult. Gave in to substance abuse, dropped money on lust, hurt people supposedly dear to me, slowly and unknowingly(?) started to stop giving a shit about myself, and so many more that's personally specific to my own adventure in life. Why did I choose to do these things despite knowing they're not good?.... Hmm..... One easy answer I can say on behalf of myself is the fact that I fucked my first relationship and my second fucked me. Thing about me is that I'm a simp. And I would like to say it's due to my ever-so-lasting crave for companionship and straight up male instinct. Maybe it's because I never found comfort in my own home with family growing up and I'm on a constant search for that sense of belonging. Maybe I just crave to be understood? I'm sure a lot of people do. Maybe I just want to be comfortably myself infront of an individual without any sense of anxiety. I'm always scared to be seen a certain way... it's probably trauma. The comments and words of others that I've experienced throughout life has shaped me. I'd say more bad than good. But let's not ignore the good. I'm still alive. And I've danced with the thought of suicide before so I wanna count this win as much as I can. I'm still this crackhead lunatic that displays questionable curiosity.

Anywayyyyy, I'm gonna tangent more and more. I still wanna play tft and rot in bed. Let's continue this tomorrow.

I claim this post as a landmark of my journey to self re-discovery. Yeah, this should be easier than my fitness journey that I've been trying to start 5 years ago. I hope in finding continuity to journaling like this will help me find consistency in things I have aspirations for.

It is 21:30 on August 20, 2024 and I close this log.

Thank you and good night!

[children-ofthe-wind]

Sashiburi

I got advice to start writing out what I've been feeling and experience so I'll do just that. It's been a while, right? I would type it on a word document but it would just honestly get lost somewhere in all my writings and class content

Somewhere near the end of July, beginning of August, I had an event occur that kind of just changed the trajectory of where my life was/is going. Actually, that has pretty much been a constant in my life since I moved here in Japan.

I actually gave myself a reading a few days ago and I remember one of the cards that came out was, "It's okay to be disappointed."

I resonated with that a lot.

Because, I didn't expect all this crap to happen before I moved to Japan. I mean I didn't think it would be so easy but I really didn't anticipate everything that has happened thus far.

And the truth is, I am disappointed. Before I got here, Japan was a dream. I dream I had for years and years and yes I did live out my dream of coming to Japan. But now that I'm here, it's like things have done a 360 and I'm kind of waiting for when I can go back home. At least, with where I am now. So yes I am disappointed, I didn't want to admit it because it's my dream. I wanted an amazing, magical experience.

Well, I mean, I can't say I didn't get that. It still is a beautiful, wonderful, mystical experience. I mean, the food is amazing. The scenery is so traditional Japan that I fall in love with it every time I see it. The pretty paper lanterns, the noren, the traditional homes. Since I live in the countryside, those traditional homes are everywhere, many abandoned.

But this is what has happened so far.

Upon arriving in late July/technically early August, I experienced my first panic attack. I thought I was dying so I was rushed to the hospital. I think I might have already mentioned this in another post. A few months later, I get another set of several panic attacks after I had to go to a language camp in another city.

Fast forward to autumn, things are going decently. The leaves are beautiful here in autumn, it is such a sight to see. Then came winter where I had to move apartments because my old apartment was so dangerous in winter. I could see my breath from the inside of my apartment, it was so cold, and when I showered, it was like torture.

I'll talk about more later but a few months ago, this whole incident happened where this old racist woman was getting mad at me for throwing my trash "on the wrong day" even though I did it the night before trash pick up in the morning, because that is what everyone does. Trash rules are strict in Japan. Anyways she got my school involved and my supervisor involved and she kept bothering my supervisor and eventually my supervisor snapped and yelled at me.

It was this event that led to like a spiral of sorts. My trauma was triggered, trauma of feeling helpless. Like I don't belong. I have a fear of being yelled at because of all the yelling I got in childhood. Anyways yeah so I had a panic attack the day after and life has been spiraling downwards since then. My depression started up again, my fears have all revealed themselves in a raw and scary way. I've been even more anxious and stressed that before and now I'm in a place of being tired. ?Just really tired to the point that my body feels heavy sometimes. My head is hurting. There are so many things happening in between like my nervousness and gosh I just don't know what to do but I'm doing my best to let go and just let it happen, whatever it is that is happening. It feels like it will last forever but I know it isn't true.

[d-trashbandicoot]

Turning Point?

2023 June 16th Friday 07:07

I've lost count how many times I've said that now. Will this time be any different. I hear the birds outside. Wish I knew what they were singing about.

The decision has been made. We're moving to Glasgow, for better or worse. I thought I had it all figured out. Who needs doctors and psychologists when you have old mother earth and her gifts of ganja, and other substances which most people would describe as drugs. Things that bring you closer to the universe.

It all makes sense, i see it now. I've been seeing it every time I smoke since my DMT trip. But today I doubt. What if I'm wrong, what if I'm lieing to myself. (Is that how you spell it?! Am I that dumb that I can't even write basic English).

Am I just caught in a spiraling delusion.

My friend passed me a copy of an interesting book (An understatement). Madness, A bipolar life by Marya Hornbacher. From page 1 the words resonate as if coming from my own mind, exaggerated by my "overactive imagination". (A direct quote from one of my shitty past therapists)

But yet it's all too familiar, not as chaotic but the feelings. After all she talks of type 1 , whilst I'm type 2, then there's other factors like time, location and family composition. But the feelings, the intricate prose of the pleasures of blood, the energy from drugs. Details as specific as the water bottle filled with vodka in the school bag. And the confusion, the constant misdirection, so long before the cause was even considered. A story all too familiar.

But it's given me strength in part. I never had a singular drive. I guess that's a product of the you can achieve anything school philosophy. All the possibilities laid out in front of you. But so many are fun. How is one supposed to choose and stick to one for life. It seems a waste, and somehow I got stuck doing nothing. But I'll keep trying.

Is a delusion bad if it's intention is to make you better?

A coping mechanism for self recovery.

I don't know.

I'll find out. I just gotta keep up.

Keep up the camera. Take those photos and videos, Edit, write, produce. Just fucking create. I'm tired of hiding, toning it all down for the benefit of society.

Fuck.

Them.

All.

I'm fucked in the head, why should I try to make anyone believe otherwise. I'm vibing, I'm connected with nature, I baked bread the other day. When was the last time any of those fuckers committed half a day just to appreciate fresh bread or got lost in the clouds to simply exist in the moment. They tease and show you all the opportunities, but as soon as you're different, as soon as you can't be molded or plied into their frames they let you get lost in the current. You slowly drift away and fade out of existence.

But there's hope; I want to believe that and based on the past I've made great steps. We are diagnosed, we are off the island and we are not mindless drones chained to an office desk. I go with the flow and consider the consequences (Or at least try). After all, they did say you can do anything you want, why shouldn't I try to do it all.

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

may 28, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[margot] grant, i am very sorry.

[margot] there are so many things i want to talk to you about but i want a few things to be clear, okay? the trauma of infidelity is serious and the way you feel is valid, so do not ever feel like you’re overreacting or that this should be squared away by breaking up with her. the confusion, the anger, sadness...all very rational responses to hurt. and these emotions and the relapsing, all of those things, are not a failure on your part. you haven’t undone years of progress in this moment. it’s easy to feel like a blip in healing is life-ruining but it’s not. you should be proud instead that you recognized the spiraling and were able to recover. it sounds like you knew you were hurting yourself and so you stopped.

[margot] and you should also be proud that you expressed your boundaries with päivi. i know that creating and enforcing boundaries is something you have a lot trouble with. you’ve talked to me about that and how uncomfortable it is for you to use your voice. i, for one, am very pleased with your continued progress. even though you’ve just gone through something traumatic and feel like you’ve gone backwards, i think you’ve actually done yourself a lot of good. you’ve overcome hurdles that have impeded you historically.

[margot] and the other important thing i have to say first is that it’s not your fault that she cheated. you don’t have an explicit explanation from her, so who knows what she’s thinking now or what she thought back in march. you don’t know and of course, it’s almost impossible to avoid wondering about it and questioning yourself, but you can’t subject yourself to that kind of pain. and why? why might that be?

[grant] i'll never figure it out and it’s a waste of my time and energy?

[margot] well, yes, that’s part of it. reflecting is okay but that isn’t reflecting. that’s getting caught up in it. you're right. but what i was really thinking is this…

[margot] you can’t subject yourself to that constant worry about what happened because, well, even if she comes to you and tells you exactly why and that reason is something to do with you in her eyes...you aren’t the one who cheated, so you are not at fault for the infidelity. cheating is a choice and it’s not a choice that you made. if you didn’t cheat, you aren’t at fault.

[grant] but what if it actually is my fault?

[margot] give me an example of what you think you could be at fault for.

[grant] um…

[grant] i don’t know, i guess...the first rational thing i can think of is what happened over the last year. i always want to blame myself and say it’s, you know, i'm a burden or something but i know that’s not fair to myself to say. that’s lifelong trauma talking. but i wouldn’t blame her and i'd get it if recent events were what burdened her.

[grant] you already know everything because i've processed all this with you but...you know, we’d been dating for a couple years, then i found out i have a serious autoimmune disorder and that i needed surgery and that it’d, like, take months for me to recover and i'd probably need supervision. that’s not something i could get in los angeles, not really. päivi offered to let me move in but we both knew it wasn’t going to work with her work schedule and what i needed. so i left, moved in with my grandparents, and so päivi and i were long distance until december of last year. in that period things were kind of a mess. i was not a super available partner because i was not doing well and she was having a hard time with life also. but our relationship was still really, really strong. or i felt like it was.

[grant] i–

[grant] when i think back, i can’t even make a case for that being the reason.

[grant] it was very stressful for both of us but she was the one who encouraged me to leave to take care of myself. she helped pack up my apartment when i left. she came all the way out to michigan by herself when i had surgery to stay with me and my family a few days to make sure i was okay. she was really supportive the whole time and she made it clear she didn’t have a problem with me being a little less available. and then when i told her i was staying here and going to find a new job here, she was okay with that and she said she would like to move in with me. our relationship got even more serious from that point.

[grant] and like i said, i knew she was also having a really hard time because something was going on with her work situation and she was feeling very homesick and even more lonely because she didn’t have many friends in america besides me. i tried to support her, you know? i called her as much as i could and checked in on her often. i used to send her, like, gifts or money for food to try and cheer her up. i couldn’t take her on dates, you know, so i tried to replicate it or i would tell her about all the plans i wanted make when i could see her again. i'm sure i could have done more but she tended to insist i did too much. but i don't know. i mean, last year was, like, the second time in life i've been at absolute rock bottom. i could have been too absorbed in my own issues.

[grant] but that doesn’t seem right either. i guess this being the reason only makes sense in my eyes if the stress carried over somehow, if she was lying to me, or if she has late regrets about things. what i remember from then doesn’t match up with what’s happening now. so i can’t find an obvious reason. never mind. that’s it. i can’t even think of anything else rational unless i'm missing something.

[margot] i know you want to blame yourself but you shouldn’t. even if you could come up with a rational reason, it just isn’t worth it to beat yourself up about it. if you did do something wrong to her or she was unhappy with the relationship, that is something to handle after you address the cheating itself and work on healing yourself. you aren’t there yet, so it’s best to keep that out of your mind as much as you can for now.

[0w0]

The hardest part of post psych BPD\cptsd diagnosis brain, is being hyper aware of how aware you are that you have no naturally occurring personality or interests of your own. I'm also aware I'm being hyperbolic and know that later, when I'm done drowning in a 7 layer dip of my own self-inflicted thought downward spiral, that I'll think back on how irrational I was and how scary it is that I do this to myself. But wait! When you recollect on your previous thought spirals, there's a high likelyhood that you'll just trigger another one by thinking about what a mentally ill piece of shit you are :)

Like, even when I'm happy its undertoed by an incessant white noise that's bad enough to make me chronically suicidal.

And then there are times I'm REALLY FUCKING blissful, even the white noise isn't there. I can exist in the moment most times, but sometimes it just triggers an adverse reaction to the ephemera of it. Because it wont, it will never last.

The only constant in my life has been my own misery, mostly self inflicted. I'm established, FOR REAL, with proper outpatient care. But god, I'm just afraid it's too late.

Ive been lashing out more because I don't have the energy to mask, I've been high more frequently because is dulls the drone, and I'm fighting so many fucking impulses to keep from making things worse.

My skin is crawling and I just want to burn. I feel infested.

And, as I wrote this I came down from a splitting episode. I Do think I'm being over dramatic, I know I am. But when I'm in the moment it doesn't matter.

[svartalfhild]

(cw: suicide)

4 years ago today, my grandfather jumped into a river. I want to take a moment to talk about why that happened, because it's indicative of some things that are very wrong with our society, and shedding light on them is important.

My grandfather suffered from anxiety and depression, but these things alone were not the cause of his death. He and my grandmother were reaching an age where they needed to be in a senior living facility, especially since my grandmother's Alzheimer's was starting to be advanced enough that Grandpa couldn't take care of her alone. The trouble was, the only decent assisted living place around was a religious institution with an explicit directive that they would not respect Do Not Resuscitate orders. Grandpa knew he was going to outlive Granny, and he didn't want to be left alone with the possibility of having his existence dragged out at the end of his days for no other reason than to satisfy some religious directive he didn't believe in. So one night, when his depression spiraled and got him thinking about his future, Grandpa concluded that the best choice was end his life right then on his own terms.

This was not the first, nor has it been the last time that suicide has touched my life, and if there is one thing that I've learned, it is that suicide and suicidal ideation are about a fear of suffering. Others have said as much, but I wish to reiterate: people don't want to die; they just don't want to be in pain. And so often the things that bring people to the brink are rooted in systemic problems.

My grandfather died because the government permits religious institutions to disobey the last wishes of the dying. Many others in my life have thought about or attempted suicide because of poverty or abuse. Poverty prevents people from getting the things they need to live comfortably. Healthcare, housing, food, safety. Abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, personal or societal, isolates people and traps them in a constant state of fear that is often extremely difficult to escape; it can even make victims believe they deserve to be harmed. Mentally ill people are particularly vulnerable to all of these things.

My point in all of this is that when we talk about suicide prevention, we cannot just talk about mental health; we also have to talk about the systemic problems in our society that cause people to reach that point.

[kiwi-strawberry-banana]

So, this post is going to be an analysis on SkekTek the Scientist, comparing his movie self versus his tv self, as well as various predictions for season 2 or onwards. I know there have been analysis of him before, but this is a big ole hodgepodge of my own thoughts.

Ok, so, I will make no secret that SkekTek is my favorite, and as such I may or may not have analyzed him a lot in many pictures from the movie and tv show, and heres what I think;

The first season is only a peek at his descent into madness, as well as the lengths he will go to gain the approval of all around him.

In the show, it is already shown that SkekTek seeks the approval of those around him, especially the Emperor. He is regarded as the weakest Skeksis and, as such, is at the end of a lot of ridicule from the other Skeksis (he is most commonly referred to as "weakling" by various Skeksis including SkekVar the General, SkekMal the Hunter, and I believe SkekSo the Emperor). The ridicule is to the point where he is often secluded in his lab with his only friends being animals and Sidetic. ("SkekTek never forgets a true friend.")

His desire for acceptance from the other Skeksis is so deep reaching that he forsakes many things, such as his friendship with Aughra.

When she is being strapped to the chair, preparing to be drained, she brings up their past friendship. There is so much nuance behind here doing so. In that moment, she is reaching out to SkekTek, reminding him of what they once had, of how she hasn't forgotten.

She is reaching out and giving him a chance to stop. And if he had simply brushed her off, I wouldn't be bringing this up. But rather than immediately ignore her or respond

He looks to The Emperor, the Skeksis that rules over all of them, and one that SkekTek has been vying for approval from for so long.

And SkekSo knows it.

(Gif credit @rabid-apathy)

He doesn't tell SkekTek to get a move on, nor does he berate him. Instead, he looks to the side, almost as in a "you know what to do" type gesture. At this point, SkekTek is in too far deep, so desperate for the approval of his brethren that don't care about him in the slightest that he forsakes the possibility of rekindling a lost friendship.

"Another world, another time."

If you rewatch this scene and watch Aughras reaction after SkekTek says that (because I can't find the gif or pic of it), she is genuinely hurt and saddened by SkekTeks response. She was being genuine when she reminded him of their friendship and was hoping that maybe it could still be there, that he could stop this.

But he didn't.

And after further ridicule from multiple Skeksis and gorging himself on essence, he does what some would say is the moment he snaps.

He kills the Gruenaks.

I know this scene has already been analyzed before, so I won't go as in depth, but that moment was a very pivotal scene. Aside from it being the moment that all the anger that has been building up inside SkekTek comes out, as well as when the idea of the Garthim comes to pass, it is also both a sad and terrifying moment for both the Gruenaks and SkekTek.

For the Gruenaks, the moment is terrifying because they were so close to freedom only for the horrifying reality to come crashing back in their faces.

And for SkekTek, the moment is horrifying for two reasons. One, because he had been going through so much ridicule and mockery for so long despite everything he did for the Skeksis that the moment of two Gruenak slaves defying him ("No slaves") was the ultimate tipping point.

For so long, I don't think SkekTek even felt like one of the Skeksis. It is commented on by the Emperor when he confronts SkekTek on how much essence will be needed for immortality (Can't remember the exact quote, but it is along the lines of how SkekTek takes solace in animals compared to being around the other Skeksis). Time and time again, SkekTek rarely interacts with other Skeksis unless they need something. So when he sees the Gruenaks have turned against him, he goes on a long spiel about how he is SkekTek the Scientist, a master of life and death, etc.

But he ends it with:

"I am Skeksis!"

A yell that is desperate. A need for affirmation, one that no Skeksis has given him. And with it, he snaps.

If the Gruenaks hadn't resisted, it's likely he still would have killed them. If not, they would have at least been severely wounded. There was too much rage and, combined with him being drunk on essence, there was nothing the Gruenaks could have done to calm SkekTek down.

And that moment with the Gruenaks? That is the point where things tip.

That moment is the first big step into his descent into insanity.

There had been smaller steps up until then, such as the draining of Gelfling, the loss of his eye, the constant ridicule, and draining Aughra. But the Gruenaks was big.

Which brings me to my next point:

I don't know if this has been brought up before, if it has I have not seen it, but SkekTek is horrifyingly different when you compare his tv self and his movie self.

Tv:

Movie:

All the other Skeksis are obviously decrepit by the time of the movie (fun fact, movie SkekOk has one extra pair of glasses compared to tv SkekOk), however SkekTek is the most different.

We see him lose his eye in the show, and while the book states that he replaced his own arm and leg with robotic prosthetics, as well as put tubes in his body to study his bloodflow, those things do not happen before the tv show.

And I know this because, if you compare the two, it is clear that Skektek does have both arms in the show where as in the movie:

You can clearly see that that arm is definitely a robotic one.

(Fun fact 2, watch his scenes from the movie and watch his arms. While he will use the robotic one, he doesn't actually move that one around all that much compared to his other arm.)

Aside from his arm, movie SkekTek has a large amount of tubes, wires, and metal pieces all throughout his body, including even more where his eye prosthetic is.

I could go on with the side by side comparisons, but I think it is safe to say that there is more that happens to SkekTek aside from him aging.

But a final big change from the time of the show versus the movie has to be his animals.

I've already stated that in the show, they are his only real companions (especially Sidetic). The animals in his lab are his only company and, frankly, are rather calm when it's just SkekTek in the lab. But by the movie? He is constantly yelling at them to be quiet, regarding them cruelly and awfully while they screech about the moment he enters the room.

Which brings me to my final point and some speculation:

It is likely that, despite the creation of the Garthim, as well as him having developed the method for creating essence, SkekTek is still going to be the subject of constant ridicule by the Skeksis, to the point where his last shred of sanity snaps and he begins the experiments on his body.

Whether those experiments are due to the Emperors demand for a solution for his own deteriorating body or because SkekTek is so desperate to no longer be seen as weak that he replaces his limbs in a desperate bid for more strength, that is up for debate.

SkekTek is one of the few Skeksis to actually think about things such as the wellbeing of Thra (his momentary plea to the Emperor that the more they drain Gelfling, the faster the Darkening will spread), as well as having moments of genuine kindness to creatures that aren't Skeksis ("Hush now, hush now. All is well."), but like the rest of the Skeksis, SkekTek is driven by a combination of greed and fear, one that sends him on a downward spiral until he meets his ultimate end.

Tldr; SkekTek has a rougher time in the foreseeable future. Someone give this vulture a vacation please.

(Also, I do not condone any of the awful things SkekTek does. Yes, killing is bad.)

(Final thing, I know there is debatable continuity between the show and the movie. Even so, I still wanted to do this. Because I can.)

[anastasiaskarsgard]

Link to my masterlist for earlier chapters or other stuff I've written

His Queen

Part 3

Bri ripped open the letter, amazed it was handwritten and in cursive! Knowing Roman, he had an assistant write it, but she felt a warmth in her chest knowing he’d truly loved her all along.

To My Queen, Briana Godfrey,

(Admit it! That sounds way better than Tucker, have the lawyers change it.)

Oh, and before I get into it, I wrote this myself. No assistants, so fuck you for thinking it.

Bri smiled a sad smile at how they still knew how the other thought.

I have to start off by saying thank you for reading this letter. That means you're at the white tower. I don't deserve you. I've turned into everything I never wanted to become. Everything you made me believe I could escape. You are the light to my darkness and I'm so sorry I disappointed you. I don’t have a lot of time, but I needed a plan in case I fail. You’re the only person I trust with my company, my money, my daughter, my legacy, my heart, all of it. I am an absolute crack head level blood addict, and I couldn’t trust myself when we got overly emotional to keep my head. Because I love you so much, you can make me so upset, and That last fight we got into, I scared myself. I don’t blame you for slapping me, but to hold back from returning the blow, I literally broke my own hand... but this is not what this letter is about.

Peter and my sick half-sister Annie have stolen my daughter. Peter is hell-bent on destroying me because he killed Destiny's trash fiance, and lied about it, so she blamed me and attacked me and I hurt her bad enough to foresee issues with peter, so I broke her neck to avoid problems figuring it was showing her some mercy since she was heartbroken. Annie was there and when I refused to carry on an incestuous relationship with her, she turned on me and told Peter about Destiny. So he came after me and fucking shot me, we fought and I won, but didn't cut his head off so I knew he’d be fine. Well, he calls me and has my kid and won't turn her over, and says he's going to kill me so even though I doubt it, Nadia needs someone to raise her, and if I'm killed it's not my whore of a sister Annie. I need you to find Nadia and take her home and raise her as she deserves. She’s such a sweet baby and she adores you.

Find Shelley and she can help you maybe. She’s in love with this weird old poet and chooses to live at the old steel mill. Calls it Rooster Poop. Can’t make this shit up.

The entire security team is trying to find Nadia, so contact them and see where they’re at with it.

you are the love of my life and I refused to ever say so, even though we both knew it was true. I would bullshit and say it’s cuz I was saving you from myself, but I’m not that fucking noble. You scared me more than anything ever scared me in my life. God, it's great to admit I love you. Like I need to make up a new word for how I feel for you cuz love isn’t strong enough.

there’s a pretty poem I saw that reminded me of you;

I’d still choose you.

In a hundred lifetimes,

in a hundred worlds,

in any version of reality,

I’d find you and I’d choose you.

Even though I knew you were going to break my heart again and again.

I’d still choose you.

It’s crazy how happy I am writing you a letter, even with every aspect of my life in shambles, you’re my light.

You get everything. Fuck all of them. You were right about everything. If I survive this shit, I am winning you back if it takes 100 years and I have to spend every cent. This is literally a reset.

I tried to forget your baby girl but I never could. No amount of drugs, money, blood, or bullshit could ever distract me from the constant ache in my heart for only you. You’re the only pussy I ever wanna see again. I ran thru a fantastic amount of pussy after you left and none of them made me forget you for even a moment. I pictured you or I could not get off. It was pathetic. I hope I get to see you again and rip up this fucking letter.

I looked back over this and there’s a reason I have other people write shit up for me. A few requests to seriously consider:

-->Blitzky should take over for Pryce. Not only is he a genius, he's a good guy. He's a bit soft, so you may have to be the bad guy.

-->Get a new nanny. The current one looks good on paper but she's an idiot.

--> Live in the white tower. It's secure and safe and you can make as many floors as you like home.

--> if an animal killed me, it's Peter and he's still a wolf. He’ll be white. Kill him, cut off his head and burn him up in the incinerator.

--> if Annie comes around at all, kill her. She's very manupulative and acts religious and nice. She's crazy and not to be trusted.

-->try and convince Shelley to live in the mansion and have her little homeless community there. She doesn't care about money but she cares about people, so offer it as a safe haven. Make sure it stays stocked in necessities like toilet paper, soap, cleaning materials, etc and write it all off as a charity contribution. Make the whole endeavor a big tax write off, but don't tell Shelley that part. Just tell her it was my dying wish she had a home.

--> the loser she's with has legal problems. Have the legal department solve them so he's got no reason to desert her.

-->if Peters mom comes sniffing around, don't tell her a damn thing. I doubt she will tho, she's a wanted fugitive.

--> don't trust any gypsies.

--> Nadia is very intelligent. She can read minds, influence dreams, and kill anyone or anything just by looking at them. She's dangerous and shouldn't be allowed around animals or people until she can understand the concept of death and consequences. There's no way to control her, I have found.

--> I promised a homeless man I ate that id pay for his sons school. Anonymously pay for Mathew Shandwicks classes, books and dorm at Penn State for all 4 years. His father traded his life without a single complaint so it's imperative you keep my word.

-->make sure Nadia isn't a spoiled brat like me. Teach her about her mother and her father and all the good things about us. Leave out we were related if you can swing it. Just say we were young and loved each other very much. I enclosed a pack of photos of me and Letha for her.

I wonder what you’re wearing... That reminds me; if I’m really dead, you have to be in mourning at least two years. That means all black suits and dresses that cover you up, black nails, big black hats like you just left a Catalina Yacht Mixer or you’re going to a royal wedding. I even got you black lab coats just in case.Don’t half ass this. It’s important.

Also I want “Fuck you” by the Archives played at my funeral, if it comes to that.

Hopefully, you never see this letter because I got everything fixed here, and went and found you and you ran into my arms and we lived happily ever after, and I have a whole lifetime with you... But just in case...

All my love,

Roman Godfrey

P.s. - since you're a genius, hopefully you can fix me or bring me back. I hope you still love me even 10% as much as I love you, because then nothing can stop us.

Brianna stared at the page as her tears fell on it swirling the ink in designs and spirals. She knew he’d always loved her, but it was bittersweet seeing him finally admit it. She took the photos out of the envelope and looked through them.

Looking through the pictures was heart-wrenching. There had to be a way to fix all this! She tried to remember everything she’d learned about Upirs from that dreadful Russian women and Pryce. Luckily they’d been a bit of an obsession for her that she delved into when Roman pulled his shit. Being obsessed with Upirs had distracted her from obsessing over the real issue.

Just as she started to wonder when Mueller and Edwards would be back, as if by magic, the elevator doors opened. They had brought Dr. Blitzkey with them as well.

“Oh my gosh! You’re alive! I’m so happy to see you’re ok and still here!” Bri said as she ran up and embraced Blitzky. “Where is Roman? I need to see him.”

Blitzky looked at the ground nervously before meeting your eyes. “It’s not fixable.”

“No matter. I just NEED to see him. Please?” She begged.

“Okay. He has several severe traumatic injuries so please prepare yourself for that.”

“What happened to him?”

“Some Type of animal attacked him in the old mansion and pushed him out the upper story window, fracturing his spine and neck which most likely left him paralyzed and vulnerable. His throat and heart were then ripped out.”

“Peter.” Bri said darkly. He was going to pay for his betrayal. She would make sure of that.

“I mean that’s the most logical conclusion but after all Roman did for that little degenerate, ” Blitzky muttered.

Bri nodded solemnly.

“Hate to interrupt your happy little party but we have several forms that need immediate attention, to get this shit show back on the road,” Edwards interjected.

“They’ll have to wait till after I see Roman. You lead the way Blitzkey, you two stay here.” She said firmly stepping into the elevator with the doctor. Both lawyers looked furious but did as they were told since they were honestly intimidated by this young woman that had all this piled on her, and seemed unfazed.

As soon as the doors closed she sank to her knees and screamed. The tears came flooding out of her eyes as her body was wracked by sobs. It’s like she’d been hit by a truck. The realization that Roman was really gone finally sinking in.

Blitzky didn’t know what he should do. He was a genius, but completely clueless when it came to social and interpersonal skills. He hesitantly patted Bri on the head like a golden retriever, unsure how long was comforting so he just kept doing it. “You’re strong.”

Bri glanced up at Blitzky through her foggy tears and couldn't help but agree. She WAS strong.

The elevator opened to their floor as she looked down at the floor.

“Well” Blitzkey peeped, unsure of what to do, “this is it.”

“We have to fix him Blitzkey. There’s got to be a way.” she said rising to her feet, as if the little display he just witnessed never happened.

“You’re the boss.” Blitzky said as cheerful as he could muster.

“I’m giving you Pryce’s position. I trust you.”

“Thank you! I wasn't sure if maybe you'd want to take charge.... What will you do? Take over for Roman?”

“Until I can bring him back, I guess I’ll have to. I will bring him back Blitzkey.... If I have to make a deal with the Devil himself.” Bri stated adamantly before setting off down the hall like a woman possessed.

[arodrwho]

well this is an interesting development. in the absence of profound guilt for specific past misdeeds the guilt brain has elected to now, like. try to convince me that i am a specific kind of person-i-dread-being due to associations i have developed over the last 2.5 years of guilt spiraling, + some old fears which contributed to the guilt spiraling, + some previously-only-occasional intrusive thoughts, + a couple isolated incidents from when i was a Literal Child, like 15 at the oldest!! that likely did not & do not make me this specific kind of person, probably

and as these associations & fears & intrusive thoughts are ongoing, this is harder to push away. and wanting to push it away only makes it worse, because of course when you try not to think about penguins.......

but i think maybe, somehow, kind of, this might be a good thing? it might be a good thing, because really this oldass fear is at the root of the worst of the guilt spirals anyway. so being forced to confront it like this--or learn to live with it w/out letting it eat me, rather--is probably good. bc neither ignoring it nor spiralling in it did me any favors. so. only way out is through & all that

so this doesn't feel good, this feels terrifying and abhorrent and a lot of other things--but it's necessary

letting it eat me is not necessary--but acknowledging and working on it is

the trouble though is i don't know how to do that yet. i have some ideas, i've done some reading--but i don't know how to put those ideas into practice

i don't know how to let myself think something i find morally abhorrent and then let the thought pass without trying to squash it, or rationalize it, or spiral about it. i don't understand how that process works. "thank you timmy, moving on now" and "okay, calm down edgelord" and "this is an intrusive thought/this is anxiety/etc." are things that i've heard work for other people, but i don't know how they're supposed to work? how do you think those and then move on, and how is that different from trying to squish or rationalize the thought away? these are questions i need to ask my therapist next time probably bc i just don't understand how they're meant to work & so it makes me feel like i'm doing them wrong

esp bc, of course, they're not insta-solutions? it takes time for this sorta thing to sink in, or so i hear

and it doesn't help that the associations have been happening near-constantly over the last couple of days? which leads to self-checking which leads to fear which leads to intrusive thoughts which leads to spiralling which leads to me trying to go "ok timmy, i hear you, this is anxiety tho, let's move on" which works for a few minutes until i see sth else i have unfortunate associations for, bc at this point my special interest has associations, and i don't want to stop engaging in it bc compulsive avoidance will only make things worse, and also, again it's my special interest? so it's like. i keep engaging, keep making associations, and the cycle jus keeps going no matter how many times i try to "let it pass" or whatever

which is how these things work as i understand it, and i'm sort of used to all this bc guilt spirals have functioned similarly? but i'm less used to this specific kind of thing being so constant bc it used to be occasional and only in the last couple days has it got like this

i think, though, in any case, that i may need to stop making these kinds of posts so often bc they are kind of a means of spiralling in themselves, in that they're both hyperfocusing & rationalizing? which aren't necessarily the most useful practices paired together like this

so i guess i just kinda gotta--

relax, a little bit. chill out. accept that maybe these associations & thoughts exist, and maybe others would be as horrified by them as i am, and maybe some people would want me to drop dead, and that nevertheless i am not going to do anything i personally consider morally abhorrent, and that that fact might not make a difference to some people--and that that's okay, in the end

it's okay. i'm gonna be fine

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

Alright Humans and Humanoids, it's time for another rant. Today's topic: a suddenly judgmental 'friend'

Ok, so, there is a woman who I've been friends with for about 5 yrs who we will call... L. She was around when my health started the initial Big Spiral that caused me to have to go on disability. She took me to the e.r. & to procedures. She was helpful & supportive. She helped me come to terms with needing mobility devices & encouraged me to go into pain management, knowing full well that I was at the point where I had tried everything short of the dreaded opioid medication. She knew I was scared of the judgement that can come with it. This last year or so though she has become less supportive, more self centered. Example: she had a baby a year ago. When she went back to work, it was one day a week & really only needed 2 hrs of childcare that day before her husband (who is amazingly sweet & still super supportive) got off work. So I volunteered. 2 hrs once a week was doable. Then she started her practicum hours for school. Suddenly she needed 5 hrs for 2 days and the 2 hrs the other day. She knew that me feeling as useless as I do, I would say yes, even though it was far too much. After 2 months, her husband made her find daycare because when he picked up the kiddo every day, he could see how badly it was killing me. After that, she stopped talking to me unless she needed someone to bitch about her life to. Fine. We all go through periods like that. It will get better, I thought (stupidly). Since then, I've only seen her when her husband invites me over for game night. Ok. Fine.

Which brings us to today. I went over for the baby's first birthday. I pretty much just hang with her husband & his friend because they are chill and because there were WAY WAY more people there than I was lead to believe there would be, so there's a ton of noise. I'm chatting with those guys about something I discovered regarding my medication (which I've been on, at the same dose, for nearly 2 yrs) that makes it work better in emergency situations (like if the pain is super overwhelming, can't move kind of bad). I purposely was not going to tell her, but she walked outside at just the wrong time. She immediately becomes super condescending & judgmental in tone, lecturing me about opioid addiction & basically treating me like a junkie. Here are some relevant facts about this little talk:

#1. I have been on this dose for nearly 2 yrs. I never take more than I'm prescribed, often less, actually, so that I am able to address emergency situations.

#2. In emergency situations, this is my last resort. I take OTC meds, use heat or ice, stretch, ect FIRST.

#3. My pain tolerance is NUTS. If I'm not tearing up when I move/put weight on that body part, it's fine and I just need heat/ice and rest.

#4. This woman is an ex heroin addict who up until she learned she was pregnant was doing molly on the regular and getting falling down drunk a minimum of twice a week.

#5. Remember me mentioning her practicum hours? Yeah, she is getting her masters and licensing to become an addiction counselor.

#6. She know goddamn well that even being prescribed these meds was a last resort for me, so anything other than my scaled down maintenance dose is absolutely a last resort.

SO WHAT THE FUCK. She made me feel small, ashamed, and absolutely like shit about doing what I need to fucking do to survive. Yes, I am in constant excruciating pain, but the emergency pain we are talking about? That shit makes me want to kill myself just so it will stop.

My dad (whom I live with) sees how bad it gets. I can see it physically hurt him to be helpless to do anything about it. In those moments, he looks so small and old. I told him what I was doing and his response was "Are you still able to measure the dose accurately?" When I confirmed that I can, he said "Does it work?" Again, confirmed. "DUDE THAT'S AWESOME! That's like a total game changer for you!" (Now you know where I get part of my speech patterns from since I type the way I speak.) Like, if my dad (and my other 4 friends, who basically reacted the same way) are just overjoyed I found a way to manage the pain better, then she should be, too.

But she isn't. I don't know that I can maintain that friendship anymore. She is literally NEVER happy for me or encouraging about anything. Example: I finally found a decor scheme that I want to pursue for my spaces. (I'll post about that next because I'm PUMPED AS HELL.) I sent her pictures I'm using for inspiration with a lot of words conveying my extreme excitement and she responded with "I dunno. That's really eclectic & a lot of colors. It looks, like, cluttered and nothing matches. Don't do too much of it. I'm sure you'll change your mind soon." I was like:

but instead of 'meep' I definitely said bitch. I can't imagine being that consistently negative about EVERYTHING that isn't what you like/want/believe. That must take so much energy. I really don't need that kind of person in my realm right now. I've got dragons to befriend or vanquish (those dragons will be my friends or they will be cut down) and stuff to paint.

Really sad thing is today she was lamenting that she only has 3 'real friends' left since having the baby. I don't understand how she can lack that much self awareness. I'll still be nice when she reaches out, because I'm friends with her husband, but I'm not pouring more energy into that relationship. It isn't worth it & is incredibly one sided. Just because I put a lot of time into it doesn't mean I should continue to do so. Not at such a steep price.

*DISCLAIMER FOR ANYONE CONCERNED:

just so we are clear on this, I'm not doing anything dumb like shooting up my meds. Just fyi. I'm not entirely comfortable (after today's experience) with disclosing what I'm doing. To be frank, I don't tell many people what I'm even on in the first place. It's nobody's biz. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯