#i've hardly written anything since like 2015-2016

[velveteenoutlaw]

[mrpirodude]

I've always been outside

All through my life I've been an outsider. Some cases people do it unintentionally, sometimes on purpose. My best friend and I have had the same conversation many times because he feels the same way. We ave this sneaking suspicion that we're mentally handicapped but we can't tell and no one has said anything about it simply to be PC. I wasn't very well welcomed by the kids I went to school with. They grew up with Disney channel, lady gaga, and I phones. I grew up with Andy Griffith, the rolling stones, and a qwerty keyboard phone. Through middle school I tried to embrace my weirdness. I tried to make that my personality in hopes that people would love me for it. In highschool I saw it wasn't working and I grew angry. I grew resentful of those who wouldn't accept me. My first job was a dishwasher at Duffys sports grill and I finally felt accepted. The wait staff adored me because I was quirky and they thought it was fun I was "such a hippy". Even after not working there for 3years they greet me with big smiles. Next I joined the Army in November of 2015. I felt welcomed by my battle buddies at reception and through red phase despite my injury and mistakes I made. When they sent us home for Christmas and new years things changed. My injury had gotten worse and when we returned I felt that familiar sting of being an outcast again. My suggestions fell on deaf ears and my presence was treated as a burden and annoyance more than anything. I was different and again I was being shunned for it. Soon, about 2 days into blue phase, I was sent to an rhu due to my injury and failing moral. Rhu was quite the experience. I spent 308 or more hours with 80+ guys. I was welcomed by kind but cautious men. Everyone had a chip on their shoulder and their guard up but they weren't taking it out on anyone. Like any large group of people, it quickly split into factions. The African Americans had their group, the rednecks had theirs. The people getting discharged from AIT hardly mixed with those getting discharged from BCT, and then it split between those who were discharged from reception and those who made it through red phase. I finally felt accepted and by all things it was by fellow "failures". There were those who tested positive for drugs, those who were injured, those who were caught fraternizing, those who couldn't pass the APFT and just a few oddballs who got through meps physical exams but not reception physical exams. We all excepted each other and supported each other how we could. Some of us did a few favors for some extra cash like myself, I gave massages for a dollar. I made about $40 in my time there. Others worked multiple fireguard shifts for some extra cash. Some commissioned artwork. The people who excepted me most were those who also got discharged from my company which comprised of 1 positive drug test from someone who would have made an excellent soldier, 3 failed APFT people, 1 who just flat out quit, 3 who were having suicidal thoughts, and 2 others who were injured. Although it was a shitty time, I kind of miss the people of my RHU. I was ofically discharged in march of 2016. When I came home I took a long motorcycle trip on my 1985 Honda rebel 250. I rode that thing with an 80lb rucksack from Palm Beach, Florida to Dothan, Alabama. It took me 15 hours and cost me about $25 in gas believe it or not. I was visiting my friends up there. The same friend who I have that repetitive conversation with and his girlfriend. He welcomed me with open arms but from her I could feel a certain resentment for some reason. I had assumed it was because she thought I was a joke for having failed to complete basic training. This prepared me for what I thought was going to be a long life of hiding in shame my failures. Even now I can't go a day without thinking about the Army and u really wish I could. I'm not trying to put myself on the same level as combat veterans with PTSD, They've most definitely have it worse than me, but Army BCT had a profound effect on me and I wish I could escape it. from that trip I returned to work at Publix and stayed there until July 15th, 2017. Now I work at an animal hospital and I'm getting ready to start school. I'm going to lose some weight and get back into shape like I was when I was discharged. I'm joining the police academy to be a wildlife officer. My beautiful girlfriend Hailey has been there for me since may 10th 2016. She has been a huge support in everything from buying my Harley and fixing it, to buying my first truck, helping me while my dad has been fighting cancer, to supporting me in my dream of being a wildlife officer. I love her so much and she inspires me every day to keep pushing though the shit till I strike gold. For her and I its only up from here. I know not many people will read this and even fewer will even care but its sure nice to have it all written out and out of my head, even if it only lasts a little while. I hope you've enjoyed my story thus far and will join me for the remainder of it.