#i've gotta be an active participant in my health!

[monster-noises]

Going to any medical appointment or like intake phone call or anything that isn't just my yearly endo check-in is always just me aggressively fighting off the voice in my head that keeps telling me to say some shit like

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be here, nothings wrong, you're wasting your time i'm sorry i'll see myself out, you don't need me to be here"

And i'm TIREEEEEEEEED

[bunny-hoodlum]

not tryna start fights lol. i really enjoy the descriptions of your story’s (they’re really different than most nh stories) but i hate reading unfinished works 😭 ive read wayyyy too many nh stories that end up with cliffhangers so i just wanted to know if there’s any reason why they all seem unfinished before i start getting invested

It's just an odd question to ask, is all, and you could've started your ask with this. Think about how your question came off. I had zero context behind your question and it just sounded bad. Like, most fics online are unfinished. Or they don't get updated for a long ass time. Or the writers just update when they feel like it, as opposed to most who update whenever they can.

Some people have family obligations, physical and or mental health issues.

Me? I probably have ADHD-Primarily Inattentive, I can't afford a diagnosis just yet, but I've always struggled with motivation, organizing myself, energy issues, headspace/focus issues.

Does having multiple ongoing fics seem counterintuitive? Yes, absolutely. But also, no, not at all. Because I'm having fun having multiple things to jump between.

I didn't plan to start multiple things in such a short amount of time. I participated in NHMonth2023 to the best of my ability and found out I understood how to write and thus rly enjoyed short stories, after kind of avoiding and not trying for the entirety of my fandom activity. Being in the discord has inspired most of these new ideas and instead of letting then stay ideas that I might forget about, I decided to make them a reality.

It's really all circumstantial how my Ao3 got to the way that it is. None of this planned or on purpose or all that easy to explain. Look at how long this reply has gotten already.

If you're intrigued but can't get invested, there's nothing I can do about that. If you don't like waiting for something to finish, then you don't. You already know what you like, how you want to handle your reading experience, etc.

Writing takes time. Like a lot of fucking time. When I get in a groove, it takes me all day or all week if I'm lucky. I'm more motivated to finish a chapter in single sitting than I am getting up to eat on those kinds of days, and I wish they'd happen more but I can't be neglectful like that. There's chores, there's spending time with certain people, there's my job, etc.

I actually do gotta slow my roll because my husband is feeling kinda down lately, so I'm going to try and be more available for him and work on my fics at a more casual pace.

Maybe by the end of the year you'll be able to finally read a handful of my new short stories, cuz lord knows when I'll get around to completing my slowburns and doing them justice. 😅

But yeah, just don't read them if you only read completed works? What am I supposed to do about that? 😂 Check in again in a year, see if there's any completed works. That's rly all you can do.

[yallemagne]

This year, I'm not doing Dr*cula D*ily

Or any other substack but DD is the biggest. I have numerous reasons for this decision that none of y'all are gonna particularly care for, but ya know, just so we got our expectations in order: I'm not gonna participate in DD this year (maybe never again), I'm probably not gonna reblog many posts related to it (doing so would be counterintuitive), but I am holding myself to finishing Orice (at LEAST the base fic).

Now, why?

TL;DR: Mental health crisis brought on by internet harassment and overprioritizing social media. It's not fun anymore, folks.

DD just... it completely ruined the novel for me.

It was a nice phenomenon, but it took a wrecking ball to my mental health and self-worth. Now, I'm not saying DD's creator personally did something to spite me (or maybe I am, he knows what he did /j), but this whole thing? It wasn't good for me. It was never good. It was sometimes fun, but most of the time it made me want to end it because of thumblr notes.

That's fucking stupid. My life is not worth internet validation. My art is not worthless just because my numbers are not as big as the biggest big shots in the fandom. I'm not a horrible person when other people handle personal disagreements regarding headcanon with defaming rumours and impersonation. But hell! My view of reality was horribly skewed.

A while back, I unfollowed all the gothlit tags I previously followed because 1) Some people (active and popular members of the fandom, mind you, not bots or trolls) were posting honest-to-god name-dropping harassment in the tag because "it's a popular tag so more people will see my callout post" and 2) I reached a point where seeing anything related to the novel on my dash just set me off. It didn't even need to be drama-related anymore. Mentions of the characters, mentions of popular AUs, just the very content of this book became triggering to me, and I really didn't miss the content when it was gone, as sad as that is.

And the kicker? I've come to realize that I probably dislike more things about the novel than I actually like about it. Not only is it tied to some of my darkest moments in recent memory, but it's also just... a book with many flaws that I could go on and on and on about. Sometimes, it straight-up made me furious, like seething mad, and I think I'd rather just be happy. But even when I would try to channel that energy into being happy, I always felt I had to over-clarify or else I’d get bombarded with anonymous messages. If you’ve seen any of my posts from during that time… chances are there is a passive aggressive “btw people can have opposing opinions from you about an old book and it doesn’t give you leave to stone them” or several tags of “#this is a joke #a jooooooke #for the love of god #if y’all don’t stop”. I bet it was as annoying for y’all as it was for me.

P.S. Mutuals/friends, do not worry. Y'all keep doing y'all. I can and will block tags if seeing your posts triggers me. So, I suppose my only request is to properly tag, but I've been saying that from the very start.

I just want to move on to other things.

I took a break for Lent. I needed it terribly. And... not gonna lie? I almost didn't want to return. I never got an itching to just log on and "check in". I very successfully avoided tumb altogether. I came back because "I gotta come back eventually" and also like, this is my main hub where I update when I've written a fic, and ya know... I'm not gonna let toxic fandom bs rule my shit.

During my break, I got back into gaming. More specifically, I started playing Hades again. And listening to Epic the Musical. Aaaand boyyy did that bring me back to my Greek mythology phase. I have a Greek mythos/Hades sideblog btw: @areopagusimp. It's cringe, if you can't tell by the blog name.

Back when I was into Hades game and general Greek mythos, my expectations were so much smaller, but yet, my goals and will to create seemed so much bigger. I made art that no one gave a single solitary shit about (except for my friend), but I was happy. Maybe I'm wearing rose-tinted glasses, but... even if I wasn't as happy then as I remember being... haha at least I wasn't receiving threats and insults in my inbox back then :))). That was the most fun thing about the gothlit fandom. I hope every single chickenhearted angry anon is proud of their behaviour.

But yeah, whatever I end up doing, I’m striving to not let it run me into the ground.

But... What do I do now?

I have so many WIPs (art and writing) for the novel, and it's very disappointing that I didn't get to finish them before it all turned sour. Hopefully, I can still finish them, it just won't be with the same distress I worked with before. Hopefully, I can post that stuff and fully manage my expectations, not crash and burn when only a few people like it. Because hell! A few people liking my stuff? That's amazing, really. I shouldn't take that for granted. At the same time, I'm setting a boundary for myself. Placing my self-worth into the hands of people who I don't know, who don't know me, and who aren't even paying for the art? I need to stop that. Who the hell is that gonna serve? Absolutely no one.

My number one goal is to finish Orice. It is somehow untouched by my aversion to the novel; it is my safe space. I want to honour it and honour the longtime readers who have stuck with me. It's gonna be hard, but it's gonna be worth it for me.

This feels attention-seeking, and it kinda is. I'm not tagging the main subject and I'm not allowing reblogs because I want this to stay isolated (and hopefully prevent backlash/misunderstandings), but ya know, no matter how much I try to keep this small, I'm still posting it online. But I just feel like I needed to get this off my chest. I don't really owe everyone an explanation, but I want there to be one for my own sake... also it's much easier to generalize and make a post than contact each of my friends/mutuals on here and unload stuff onto them that I'm not sure is too personal or not.

For those of you who are reading: I love y'all. I love the good people I've met through all this mess. I want to keep the good apples, not throw out the whole harvest, alright? Dunno how much you'll care for my art when the subject is different, but... eh. If y'all are willing to try?

[grishamanimationstudios102]

Smurfs: Emo Smurf (fan story) part 1

- The episode starts with the Smurfs doing their daily chores. Greedy is baking cakes, a handful of Smurfs are repairing the dam, Poet is writing his poem, etc. Clumsy is doing his job carrying wood, minding his own business. He trips over a rock, dropping his collection of wood in the process. Suddenly, he turns his head to face a mushroom house with a monochromatic color scheme (black and white for the rooftop, grey for the walls). "Gosh, I wonder why Emo hasn't smurfed out of his house yet?", Clumsy asked. "Clumsy, he's been isolated ever since he lost his favorite stuffed animal years ago.", Brainy. "Why talk about it now?" Clumsy replied, "Uh, I dunno. I'm just concerned, is all."

- Hefty enters, asking, "What's smurfing on here?" Brainy replied, "Emo Smurf hasn't been out in a while. He likes to be isolated in his home." "Oh, dear, how dreadful." Smurfette said, looking worried. "This has to be a joke, right?", Jokey asked. "I don't think so. He might look bad for his complexion.", Vanity said, while looking at himself in the mirror. Brainy then said, "What he needs is exercise. As Papa Smurf always says, exercise is an important way to..." Hefty interrupted, pushing Brainy aside, "Move aside, Brainy! I oughta smurf this for myself!" So, Hefty went over to Emo's house and looked through his window.

- There stood Emo Smurf, sitting on his bed. He is wearing the traditional Smurf hat in black, has black eyeliner on his face, wears a black t-shirt and fingerless gloves, gray blue jeans with light gray blue cuffs and black/white sneakers (resembling the Converse brand). Smurfette, Brainy, Jokey and Vanity then joined Hefty to look through the window (with Clumsy trying to get a view of Emo). "Uh, where is he? I can't see him.", Clumsy said. Hefty grabbed Clumsy and gave him a boost up to look through the window along with the others. "Uh, now I can see him. Yup, I certainly can.", Clumsy said.

- "Ooh, what a miserable Smurf he is.", Smurfette said. "This isn't funny, you know.", Jokey said. "Yuck! I'm glad I'm not him right now.", Vanity said. "Let's go ask Papa Smurf. Maybe he can find out what's wrong with Emo.", Hefty said. So, Hefty and the others went to do just that. A while later, Emo was brought into Papa Smurf's lab. The village leader was checking his condition through a stethoscope. "Hmm... This is a situation most serious, my little Smurfs.", Papa Smurf said. "Emo has smurfed into a condition, known as depression." The other Smurfs, but Papa and Clumsy, repeated in shock, "Depression?!" Papa Smurf said, "Yes! With it, Emo is isolated all by his lonesome. He misses a certain memory from his Smurflinghood."

- "Uh, gee, Brainy, do you know what his favorite memory is?", Clumsy asked. "Of course I do! His favorite memory is...", Brainy started to answer, but then ponders about it and says to Clumsy in annoyance. "Well, that's a smurfdiculous question!" Vanity said, "What a shame! He doesn't want to look at us anymore." Jokey said, "Yeah! And one time, he didn't even look at my jokes!" Brainy said to Jokey, "Get real, Jokey! I've seen them all before!" Emo started to speak with a reply, "You're telling me..." Papa Smurf said to Emo, "Emo, staying at home all day is smurfily bad for your health. You should be playing outside with the others." Emo replied, "What's the point? Life is depressing to me, anyways."

- Hefty said, "You gotta do something, Papa Smurf! Emo can't spend the rest of his life smurfing in bed!" Smurfette said, "Yes! Think of his life, his future!" Papa Smurf pondered for a moment, then said, "There is only one thing we should do... You can get him to participate in your favorite activities. By then, he'll feel like a happy Smurf again." Brainy said, "Exactly what I was going to suggest." Outside, Hefty and his friends brought Emo over to play smurfball with them. Brainy was the referee, as always.

- "And don't forget, Emo. It's not how you win or lose, it's how you play the game.", Brainy said. "Lose? Hmph... I've lost something once.", Emo replied. "I don't recall you ever losing a game of Smurfball, Emo.", Brainy said. "It's not that... It's... something else...", Emo corrected. "So, which team wants to pick? Can some Smurf raise their hands?", Brainy asked. Hefty raised his hand and chose Emo. "That's Emo Smurf to Team Hefty!", Brainy announced.

- Smurfette was on Hefty's team, convincing the depressed Smurf, "Come on, Emo. Win one for Hefty's team." Emo replies, "Okay, Smurfette. If you insist..." Emo lightly kicks the smurfball, which rolls slowly to stop at Hefty's foot. "Ha! You call that a kick?!", Hefty said in annoyance. So, Hefty showed Emo how to make a goal by kicking the ball while running. Hefty kicked past Jokey, who was the goalie for Clumsy's team, and won the first round of the game. The background Smurfs cheered for Hefty, in unison, "Yaaaaay!"

- "Now, you try! And this time, smurf the ball!", Hefty said to Emo. So, Emo attempted to kick the ball by reading his right foot, slowly and steady. But unfortunately, he was quickly trampled by the other Smurfs on Clumsy's team to kick the ball, before he could. "Boo! You're too slow! You were supposed to smurf it a quick kick!", Hefty snapped. Clumsy's team kicked past Vanity, who is Hefty's goalie, and won the second round. "I HATE cheering! But, I hate seeing Emo lose more!", Grouchy said.

- "Go smurf it again! This time, don't hold your foot and smurf it slowly! Just do it!", Hefty said. So, Emo finally decided to kick the ball and run as fast as he can. "Hey! I'm smurfing it! I'm smurfing it!", Emo said. "He's smurfing it! He's actually smurfing it!", Brainy shouted. As he kicked the ball into the goal, instead it bumped into the goal of Hefty's team and landed in Clumsy's team past Vanity. "Oops.", Emo said in shock.

- "How could you miss the ball?! You can't even smurf a simple instruction, could you?", Hefty scolded Emo. "Hefty, Hefty, Hefty, we're supposed to cheer Emo up, remember?", Brainy said. "For once, Brainy's right. This isn't the time for scolding.", Smurfette said. "Of course I-", Brainy stopped and said in shock, "I am?" Hefty said, "Maybe smurfball is too much stress for him! Come on, let's smurf back to the village!" Emo followed the other Smurfs, with Grouchy grumbling to himself.

- Back at the village, Jokey brought a gift box from behind his back and said, "What he needs is a joke to cheer him up!" Jokey turned around to call for Brainy. The bespectacled Smurf came up to the prankster Smurf and said, "What is it, Jokey?" Jokey said to Brainy, "I brought you a present! It's a surprise!" Brainy said, "Why, thank you, Jokey! Like I always say, it's the thought that counts!" So, Brainy opened the present and it exploded in his face. All the other Smurfs, alongside Jokey, laughed at Brainy. All but Emo, who is still depressed. "Wasn't that funny, Emo?", Jokey asked.

- "I've seen this joke before...", Emo replied, implying it wasn't the first time Jokey used his exploding gift boxes on Brainy and never laughed once. "That's odd. I thought it would smurf his spirits.", Jokey said. "Well, the important thing is... You tried, Jokey.", Smurfette said. Handy said, "Hey, I heard Farmer is doing an agriculture class with a group of Smurfs! Maybe Emo would like to learn how to grow and harvest his own fruits and vegetables!" Hefty said, "That sounds like a smurfy idea! Come on, Emo. We're gonna enroll you in agriculture." And so, Hefty grabbed Emo by the hand to take him to Farmer's garden, with his fellow Smurfs tagging along.

- "Welcome to Farmer's agriculture class! Where we'd be learnin' how to grow and harvest our own fruits and vegetables!", Farmer said. "Now, is every Smurf here and accounted for?" The group of generic Smurfs all answered in unison, with Hefty bringing Emo over to enroll in the class. "Farmer, I'd like to introduce your new student, Emo Smurf!", Hefty said to Farmer. "Ah, Emo Smurf. I remember you. You'd be the one whose isolated at home all the time.", Farmer said to Emo. "But, it'd be all changin' once I teach you how to grow and harvest your own crops. Sound fun?" Emo replied, "Aw, I don't care."

- "Good.", Farmer said. "Now, our lesson for today is harvesting cornfields!" The group of generic Smurfs, alongside Emo, followed Farmer over to the cornfields. "Over here are the cornfields in my garden! All you have to be doin' is to smurf the corncob off the stalks and stack it up in this here cart!", Farmer said. To demonstrate, Farmer took one of the corncobs off the stalk, put it in the wooden cart and said, "Like so!" Then, he turned to the group of generic Smurfs, saying, "You got it?" The other generic Smurfs agreed in chatter, but stopped when Emo raised his hand. "Yes, Emo?", Farmer said. "Is there a lesson in harvesting blueberries?", Emo asked.

- "Of course we do. We'd be pickin' the freshest blueberries, but that ain't until tomorrow.", Farmer explained. Then, the country bumpkin Smurf turned to the others and asked, "Now, who would like to try harvesting first?" The other generic Smurfs all raised their hands, except for Emo. "Whoa, whoa, hang on! Only one Smurf at a time!", Farmer said. The other generic Smurfs looked at each other while mumbling to each other, then proceeded to put their hands down. "Well? Who's it gonna be?", Farmer asked, waiting for one of the Smurfs to raise his hand. One of the generic Smurfs hatched an idea, grabbed one of Emo's arms (which is the right arm), lifted it up and waved it gently in front of Farmer. "I'd be seein' Emo's hand up!" Farmer said.

- Then, Farmer said to the depressed Smurf, "Alright, Emo, smurf 'em your stuff!" Another generic Smurf slapped Emo by the back to get him to walk over to Farmer Smurf. So, Emo tried his first hand at putting the corncob in the cart, but believes the corncob is stuck. He then proceeded to grab the corncob from the stalk with force. But when he finally got it out, he bumped into the cart with his back, causing it to collapse. Farmer was mildly furious with Emo, saying, "What kind of farmer destroys his own cart? I ask you to do a simple task and the way you'd be interpretin' it is to break the cart into pieces?!" Emo just simply shrugged with a worried look on his face, not knowing what happened when he tried to follow Farmer's orders.

- "Until you'd be takin' it seriously, I want you out of my class!", Farmer said. Emo hung his head in shame, replying, "Yes, sir." So, Emo walked away from him and the other generic Smurfs. He walked past Hefty, Smurfette, Brainy, Clumsy, Vanity and Jokey (who all felt sorry for him). "Oh, dear. Cheering up Emo is going to be tougher than we thought.", Smurfette said. "So, how's it coming along, my little Smurfs?", Papa Smurf said, who entered to check on the other Smurfs. "Uh, it's not going so good, Papa Smurf.", Clumsy said. "We tried smurfball, Jokey's pranks and Farmer's agriculture culture.", Hefty said. "Unfortunately, none of them are enough to lift Emo's spirits.", Vanity said. "And he's still feeling depressed. ", Smurfette said. "Oh, it's hopeless, Papa Smurf! Just hopeless!", Brainy said.

- "Don't worry, my little Smurfs. He may be emotionless now, but that doesn't mean he is forbidden to let loose once in a while.", Papa Smurf said. "Papa's right. After all, we were just getting started.", Smurfette said. "Yeah! We're here to lift Emo's spirits and we won't give up until he feels smurfy again!", Hefty said. While they were talking, Emo attempts to sneak away from his fellow Smurfs, but is caught by Brainy Smurf before he could. "Oh, no! You're not going to smurf in your home again!", he said to Emo. "Uh, do you have another idea of a cure, Papa Smurf?", Clumsy asked. Papa Smurf pondered for a moment, then said, "Actually, I don't think I've prepared anything."

- Luckily, Smurfette had an idea. "Why don't we smurf a benefit talent show in his honor?", she asked. The other Smurfs seem to find it a good idea, including Papa Smurf. So, Smurfette was put in charge of the show with Brainy Smurf chosen to star as the host (much to the annoyance of others). A few minutes later, every Smurf was getting ready for the benefit talent show. Harmony was conducting the music, Handy was building the sets and props, Greedy was put in charge of catering (with Hefty protecting the food from being eaten by the village cook), a magician Smurf is practicing his magic trick (but accidentally grabs Clumsy (with his orange and white striped shirt) instead of a rabbit).

- While rehearsal was in full swing, Emo stayed in his home for a week. He was ordered by Papa Smurf to stay inside until everything was ready. The benefit talent show took a week for every Smurf to rehearse. During that week, Emo Smurf was writing his own song in secret and Clumsy was sent to serve Emo his meals each day (even though he tripped a few times on Wednesday and Saturday). By the next Monday, everything was ready. All the Smurfs finished perfecting their craft and the benefit talent show was up for the big day. Smurfette went to Emo Smurf's home and knocked on his door. "Oh, Emo! Everything's ready! You can come out now!", she said. Emo opened the door slowly and peeked from behind.

- "What is it, Smurfette?", Emo asked. "We prepared a benefit talent show, just for you!", Smurfette said. "A talent show, huh?", Emo said. As they went over to their seats, Emo pondered and asked, "It's not gonna be boring, is it?". Smurfette said, "Uh... nope. In front of the crowd, Harmony's Smurf orchestra is seen tuning their instruments for the intro music. Backstage, Brainy Smurf is putting on his bowtie. Handy Smurf, the one who built the sets and props earlier, enters to remind him, "10 seconds to curtain, Brainy Smurf." Brainy said, "Thanks for the reminder, Handy. Is my tie on straight?" Annoyed with such a petty question, Handy said, "Just get on stage and introduce the show."

- So, Brainy did as told without giving any lectures at random and went on the center of the stage, looking nervous. A crowd of generic Smurfs were cheering for the show to begin, including Papa Smurf and Smurfette. Emo was the only exception, as he looked around with wide eyes (wondering what's going on). The Smurf orchestra is playing their instrumental intro music. After the instrumental was over, Brainy reached into his left pocket and pulled out some topic cards to read his lines. "Greetings, Smurfettes and Smurfs, and welcome to the Smurfs' Benefit Talent Show. Sponsored by Greedy Smurf's Kitchen and Farmer Smurf's Garden, home to Smurfs' nutritious diets and delicacies." Then, he mutters to himself, saying, "'Cause no Smurf else would give 'em a home."

- A rim shot is heard. Backstage, Clumsy laughs at Brainy's joke. "Clumsy, stop it! We're supposed to smurf our acrobatics, remember?", Hefty said. "Gee, I'm sorry, Hefty. I just can't help but laugh at Brainy's jokes.", Clumsy giggled. "Hey! I do the jokes around here!", Jokey commented. After a moment of annoyance with Clumsy's laughter unintentionally interrupting him, he returns to reading the topic cards. "Our first act is a song composed by Harmony and his Smurf orchestra, with the lyrics sung by one of our finest Smurf performers. It's called 'La presentation des Schtroumpfs'.", Brainy said. He makes a confused look on his face, saying to himself, "Whatever that means..." As Brainy left the stage, Harmony and his Smurf orchestra start playing the music. The Smurf crowd clapped their hands. Backstage, an opera Smurf is peeking outside to see a crowd of Smurfs watching the show. "Oh, I'm so nervous! Are you sure about this, Handy?", Opera Smurf asked. "Of course. Besides, you have the right voice for it.", Handy replied. "Okay, here goes.", Opera said, as he walked behind the curtains at the center of the stage.

- When the curtains open, Opera Smurf begins to sing the French lyrics. "Quand tous les schtroumpfs sont ensemble. Ils se ressemblent, ils se ressemblent. Mais on remarque à la vérité. Qu'ils ont chacun leur personnalité." While Opera Smurf was singing, Papa Smurf said in a sotto tone, "Ah, a smurfy classic. Right, Emo?" Emo replied with a yawn, so Papa Smurf turned away and continued looking at the performance. A few minutes later, Brainy Smurf introduced the next act. He said, "And now, a funny moment with Jokey and Grouchy!" Brainy then leaves the stage. The curtains open to reveal Jokey and Grouchy, to which Jokey waves to the audience, but Grouchy doesn't. Jokey said, "Hey, Grouchy. What do a call a leaf with "sass"?" Grouchy asks, "Huh?" Jokey repeats, "What do a call a leaf with "sass"?" Grouchy ponders, then answers, "Sarsaparilla!" Jokey said, "Say, I'll have some 'sarsaparilla', too! Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!" Grouchy comments, "I HATE this act!" The crowd of Smurfs were laughing after hearing the sarsaparilla joke. Even Papa Smurf and Smurfette were laughing, but not Emo. He sunk in his seat, feeling embarrassed after watching Jokey and Grouchy's act.

- Another few minutes later, the Smurfs were watching Farmer Smurf finishing his bit on stage. "And that is how you smurf for quality tomatoes. The bruised ones here ain't in smurfy quality.", Farmer said to the audience. Emo noticed how one of the actor Smurfs look similar to the one in agriculture class. The others, on the other hand, treat it as a normal and clapped for Farmer Smurf, who took a bow to the audience. He leaves to go backstage as the curtains closed. Brainy returns to read the rest of the topic cards. "And now, poetry by Poet Smurf!" Brainy leaves the stage, while the Smurf crowd cheered as the curtain opens to reveal Poet reading his poem. While Smurfette is praising Poet, Emo is left speechless and still feels depressed. After the poem was over, Poet takes a bow to the audience and leaves the stage.

- Brainy returns to read the rest of his topic cards, "And now, let's hear it for the Smurfy Acrobats!" Brainy again leaves the stage, as the Smurf crowd cheered as the curtain opens to reveal the Smurfy Acrobats on stage. The Smurfy Acrobats consisted of three Smurfs: Vanity, Hefty and Clumsy. Clumsy was the one walking on the tightrope, with Hefty and Vanity on top of him. Vanity is looking at himself in the mirror during the act. The Smurfs were watching the act in motion, while Smurfette is concerned of Clumsy's safety. "Oh, dear. I sure hope Clumsy doesn't hurt himself in the middle of the act", Smurfette said to Papa Smurf. "And the others, too, Smurfette. I just wish they would keep their balance like they rehearsed.", Papa Smurf replied. However, Clumsy started to slip on the tightrope and collapsed on the floor, alongside Hefty and Vanity. Both the village strongman and beautician shouted to the klutz in annoyance, "Clumsy!" Clumsy asked, "Uh, why are you two smurfing down like that? We're trying to smurf an act here!" Both Hefty and Vanity groan as the Smurf crowd laughed at the sight of this mishap.

- The curtains closed on the Smurfy Acrobats. Papa Smurf said, "My, it sure was a smurfy act." Smurfette said, "And funny, too. Right, Emo?" Papa Smurf and Smurfette wondered where Emo went. Emo whispers in Brainy's ear to announce the next act. "For our last act tonight, is a heartfelt song by Emo Smurf, our guest for the benefit talent show. And now, Emo Smurf singing 'I Miss My Mr. Fluffles'." The Smurf crowd cheers as Brainy leaves the stage and the curtains open. Emo Smurf was on a stool with his favorite guitar. He tunes it up a bit and then starts to sing a sad song about his lost memory, which is a stuffed rabbit. The Smurf crowd was reduced to tears and so was Smurfette, all except Papa Smurf (who figured it was the loss of his stuffed bunny that made him this way). Backstage, Clumsy (who was listening to the song) started to cry. Hefty said to Clumsy, comforting him, "Aw, take it easy, Clumsy. It's only a show."

[nyoggets]

Some thoughts on fandom, burnout, process of creation and never feeling good enough.

(it is now 4am and I've given up on sleep)

So I've avoided ever talking about this on twt because? The platform is such a mess, people use it to liveblog their feelings but it's also got that usual socmed feel to it - only show the good, funny, relatable or glamorous stuff.

I like art, obviously. Love it even, it's been the one constant in a life of switching hobbies and obsessions on the weekly. But it's also been so, SO difficult at times. I draw, so gotta share it on social media, right? The first time I shared my art online was when I was 9, on a ratty, now defunct forum.

I don't recall many responses aside from "I don't think she's ever been to the hair dresser". Instagram was released in 2010, and I made the switch, continued to post my drawings in earnest, participating in art contests that were super popular at the time. Obviously I never won any, I was just learning, starting out. Winning wasn't my goal, my goal was to get a spot in the honourable mentions or likes and attention from the bigger artists hosting these. When that didn't work I tried to game the algorithm before I even know what an algorithm was. I also made some friends this way, most of which had a higher follower count despite our (in my mind) fairly evenly matched skill. I entered more contests, I begged friends for collars, I drew things I dislikes because I saw them being popular. Nothing worked, I became obsessed over numbers, a drawing was only worth something if it got enough likes, which it never did. I tried for a while longer, then didn't pick up a pen for almost 2 years.

Eventually, because I just couldn't leave art behind I started again, focusing on original works and punching myself for losing 2 years of practice time. Things were fine, I stayed away from social media aside from Tumblr but never really posted anymore, stayed quiet. Of course, I still resented those artist friends a bit for their ever growing following, but what right had I? I'd given up and spent 2 years moping.

Eventually I got really into Love Live and with it finally a new ship I could sink my teeth into and draw - ChikaRiko. Inevitably, I wanted to feel part of communities again, I didn't have anyone in real life to share my obsessions with. I was very much the weird quiet kid, and as much as I craved being around people, being deaf with my hearing steadily dying away even further without anyone noticing, talking to people was just Hard, so so very hard. But online, where I could read, didn't need to be able to listen? It was easy, besides, my only friends so far had all been online. What's the harm in dipping my toes back into fandom?

So, I created a twitter account, discord, found people to chat and share my art, pretty much exclusively ChikaRiko, with. And things were fine again! People were reacting to what I posted, engaging, asking questions, providing advice. Then... I opened twitter back up, looked at numbers, compared them, and became angry at myself again. Comparison is the thief of joy indeed. Several years ahead, fire emblem three houses comes out and with it dimilix hits me like a sack of bricks (affectionately). Another new ship! And the fandom was active, I could fit in here, maybe! And I'd like to believe I did, if only because the fandom is just so truly relaxed, given my unfortunate decline of my mental health it was probably the only sort of fandom environment I could exist in. Still, I kept comparing myself, kept being dissatisfied with the direction my art was taking. I had all these symbolic ideas, things I wanted to try, wanted to be more like the artists I looked up. Wanted to do my own stuff, original art, instead of confining myself. But any time I did do so the reception was lukewarm at best, nonexistent at worst, so I stuck to fanart that became increasingly removed from the canon. Which, still super fun and honestly we were all just screaming into the void of time between the two years until three hopes came out, delusional fanon felt very much encouraged. Again, loved and still love the general vibe of the dmlx community (stares lovingly at DTF and For Years). But still, I wasn't satisfied with what I was doing, and my motivation to draw at all regularly died off for months at a time, which really isn't ideal when you're trying to feed the all-devouring behemoth that is the algorithm.

This October I tried something I hadn't done since 2018 - inktober. Back when I did it it was just 31 days of increasingly delusional ChikaRiko (are we seeing a pattern here), this time around I wanted to be "self indulgent" and draw only original art, loosely oriented on two lists of prompts. Of course, I didn't finish, still haven't, but I'm only missing a few prompts now. But!!! I've drawn!!! More in these 3 months than I have in recent years, and my ideas aren't slowing down yet, I keep coming up with new ones on the daily. It just feels so, so Good to find joy in art again. Best of all, I felt no need at all to share this stuff anywhere but the small discord server I've been nodding for years, with friends who at this point weren't really expecting art from me that matched their interests. I was finally drawing for me and me alone, so the response was of no importance to me, and the moment I dropped a finished piece I started the line art of the next one. Of course, I'm slowly unleashing everything into the void that is Tumblr and while any notes delight me, the number really doesn't concern me much anymore.

Not that all my fanart didn't spark joy to me! I just have too many things I wanna get out of my head that aren't very fanart compatible at all.

Fandom is weird and wonderful and I don't really remember a time in my life where I wasn't in any fandom at all, but frankly, my mental health and self image is a mess, and most social media actively does more harm than good to me, despite the friends I made.

Either way, I'm finally, finally for the first time in years excited to see what the future brings for me and art, how I'll improve, what I'll draw over the next year.

[hummingbird-games]

Dev Diaries

October 1, 2023

My goodness, it's the first devlog post-Crushed release!! How did that happen???

And where the heck has 2023 gone?!?! 🙃

Okay, pausing--for like four seconds--on the sillies, I've got some updates for y'all, so have a seat and get comfy.

Crushed updated build is out!!!

Now with the rest of the partial voice acting!!!

It was a super fun experience with the VA and I giggled a lot to hear the words I wrote spoken into existence. I think the next project I work on with voice work will also be partial. However, I can't imagine doing a whole game with full voice work. I can feel the mental break down from that possibility making its descent....

The postmortem was longer than I anticipated it to be, so it shall be posted separately (and with a read more for your scrolling needs) sometime! I go into (more) details on my inspiration and the process from hesitant idea, to jam entry, to a full-blown game, and all the heartbreak and burnout and catharsis in between!

You can also search 'gamedev rambles' or 'crushed vn' where I've already blabbed about Development Tingz LOL.

2. The HBG Twitter account has been nuked.

Yeah. Apologies if this is how you're finding out about it. I honestly have no idea where my audience is located as y'all are a quiet (but supportive) bunch. But for me as a player, it hurts because many of my peers are only on or are most active on Twitter.

However, me and the bird app have been at odds for a while so I guess it was just a matter of time... 🥲

3. Game Jam Gemini Mode

Alright, time to get serious-serious. (HA!)

While I was Fighting The Good Fight concerning getting Crushed up before the summer ended, I started dropping hints about the next project I wanted to work on with Yuri Jam (and Once Upon A Time jam) coming up.

Well. After giving it some thought, forcing myself to pause long enough to breathe, catching up on personal reading and other things, and again, giving it more thought: nope.

I could ignore this decision which I hate and push on anyway, but the consequences are not ones I want to deal with, nor will I be physically able to handle. (Yes, this is a direct reference to my health lol).

My plan about this time was to start reaching out to people and create a team--given that I banged out a script at lighting speed just so I knew what roles I needed and was prepared. I'm still not sure where that burst of frenzied energy came from, but it's gone now.

And then in between making Crushed live and getting the first voiced update done, I started to feel really weird. Like "Hello, Anxiety My Old Friend" weird. And I kept berating myself for dragging my feet, especially as Yuri Jam (and OUAT) are so 'chill' and 'easy-going' and why was I still freaking out? What was wrong with me???

Anyway, once the last voiced update went live, it hit me how utterly exhausted I was. Still am(?) So it's insane to think I was somehow going to have enough energy to lead a whole ass team to create one more project before the year ends. Even if said project was under 5k words.

Even as I write this saying I'm done, a part of me keeping scheming up ways to make it work.

But I wouldn't be doing it for the right reasons anyway (i.e. feeling like I should participate in more jams because every other developer is and I'm a bad indie dev if I don't, and feeling this desperation to prove I can tell other kinds of stories. ahahahaha)

A L S O I am broke 😂 And money talks louder than anything else!! This was the year--and continues to be the year-- of medical expenses and emergencies so like...gotta recover from that too.

The Knight Dance (my short Yuri idea) shall return, but next year at the earliest. And who knows? It might benefit from me not working on it now. Or that's what I'm telling myself so my brain will chill.

4. Tackling Ko-fi

I keep saying I'm going to start putting content on ko-fi, or posts, or something, and I keep proving to be a liar. That ends soon!

I've been playing around with the idea of adding both content for subs and one-time donators as well as free content, these things all exclusive to ko-fi. So there's an incentive to you guys to visit and an incentive for me to keep up with it.

There's a lot to the world of HSD/Crushed that just didn't make it into the games, and probably won't for a while, and then there are drabbles and longer stories that would be fun to write and share for anyone who's curious.

Okay!!!

In conclusion!!!

Go play Crushed!! Go support some game Kickstarters!! Go support a Pateron/Ko-fi of your fave creator!! Go replay some games!!

And watch this space for the Crushed postmortem and my yearly games & demos wrap up!!

And maaaaaaaybe catch me on the sideblog where I embody the cringe gamer girl I truly am???

~ Gemini

[tetrisfinished]

i get it now

for years i've heard about how women who try to have it all can't....or don't exist.

that some level of their lives must be sacrificed or dropped.

and by "have it all" i mean run a household, have a family, and have a career. and i used to think - maybe that's not totally true. isn't it just all a juggle of time?

and partly - yes. but mostly - no. because i get it now.

before i dive into what i mean, let me just be very clear - i am not nearly as ambitious as the women who's company i hold. i am not seriously aspiring to be anything beyond a manager at work and i am not aspiring to have many more beyond 2 kids (second one is obviously non existent yet, but we've been trying - unsuccessfully - for almost half a year now, so there's that).

but still, most days i feel like i'm drowning. and i mean, in fairness, i don't push myself all too hard to keep up with my life and my surroundings and i readily give up my time to indulge in time with esa but especially in my own activities (participating in book clubs, joining badminton, staring at my phone etc).

but things are dropping off. i get a cleaning lady every other week. i've just received my first of what i feel will be fairly regular meal services today. my kid has been in full time daycare since he was ONE year old. i push and push and push yasir to be involved and help me out in the household. despite my beef that an equal partner should never "help" - they should take responsibility, initiative, and only DO. but that's neither here nor there - gotta live in the reality we're given and this is just not mine.

and from the outside, this may feel like me affording luxuries for myself. and maybe part of it is that - that i work so i can afford these things.

but the other part of it is a very real - i work so i cannot dedicate big portions of my time to these things either.

i mean, maybe i can, but i just am so tapped out most days that it feels unrealistic for me to do!

and today...with the food delivery. it's just made me really sad. that despite firing at par or sub par levels in each facet of my life, i am still so consumed by it that now i can see my dream of cooking and feeding my kid homecooked daily meals as a distant thing floating away. and that. fucking. sucks.

my mom made us daily meals (she also didn't re-join the workforce until we were a fair bit older) but i have so much love and gratitude towards her daily efforts.

i don't believe she needed to, but making us food and giving us...our health, was of course, part of her love language towards us. and what can i say - it's stuck that way.

and here i am, extremely average at most of my life and i can't do even this little bit.

when does my sacrifice or the things i'm letting go of to continue my lifestyle the way it is become no longer worth the effort? at what point do i say enough is enough and resign from my job. why won't my guilt about being a sub par parent leave me alone. why am i so thoroughly incapable of giving esa the love and attention that i was so abundantly given from my mom since my birth.

sometimes i will jokingly drop that i don't know what it even feels like to be a "full time" parent anymore but the reality is - that's not a joke. it's the real and honest truth and i loathe myself so fucking much for it.

that's it. i'm feeling melancholy as i realize that shit is dropping off, and maybe if i had better career prospects or more ambitions work-wise, i wouldn't be so sad about it. but i'm (at this point in my life) working simply to pay the bills i acquired when i thought i would be working for more than just those bills.

and it's sad. but i get it. i get why women can't have it all. i get why it's an unreasonable expectation. i allow myself my "luxuries" (read: necessities) so that i can value the time i do have with esa more. or at least i hope that's what i'm doing.

anyway.

that's all.

-k

[opossum-by-night]

I hate that I react so badly to any discussion of moving/him finding a new job/whatever. Like I try not to react outwardly but I'm sure he can tell, and obviously it just fuckin feels bad every time. It's frustrating because I know it would be good for both of us for him to find a job he likes better and also to be closer to our families, and I've been wanting to leave this shithole apartment complex for a long time anyway, and Tennessee is already a fucking nightmare of a state and only getting worse. But oh my god even him off-handedly saying "I'm so done I gotta get out of here" just *crushes* me internally every time.

I guess a lot of it is probably because I finally feel like I've gotten to a point where I function largely okay on a day-to-day basis and it feels like all of that would be lost if we do a big move?? But idk if that's even true, and it's not like we have much else to stay here for. We have some friends here, but they're not like, best friends. And everyone is so busy that we rarely hang out anymore anyway. Just the act of packing up and moving will be hard and stressful and I hate it, but setting up a new place could be fun? Idk, the prospect of trying to find decent housing we can afford kind of sucks the enjoyment out of that too.

And as embarrassing and lame as it feels to say, losing my therapist is honestly one of my biggest fears about moving out of state. Like I've been seeing her for over 2 years now, and she's the first therapist I've really clicked with and felt like she's actually been capable of helping me. She's been there through this whole leaving-my-job/horrible burnout/health issues/ADHD/ASD process and is like one of the only people in my life who's really believed me and wanted to help me investigate things and advocate for myself since she first met me. And I know she'd do her best to help find me a good therapist wherever I move to, but the uncertainty is so scary. Especially since I hate telehealth therapy, so my options would be even more limited depending on where we end up.

Idk. Something about it all is just so triggering and idk how to make my own brain understand that it's for the best and will probably improve my life significantly, even to the extent that I can tolerate it happening *at all,* let alone to where I can actively participate and help make it happen!!!! Ugh!!!!!!

[queerticulate]

I gotta say the whole supposed moral panic about fetishizing gay men through fandom seems like a bit of a trojan horse for homophobia to me. People of a variety of sexes and orientations finding gay sex/romance appealing is not a bad thing. What is a bad thing is when women start harassing gay men to join them in the bedroom, or random people disturb gay "couples" in public with sexualized remarks on their displays of affection or lust for each other. Now I have been very active in my local and national LGBT scene for years now, and you know how often I've heard of this happening? Never.

You know what does happen a lot? This being done to queer women. I myself and pretty much all of my friends have multiple experiences of this happening. Men commenting on you when you're kissing a girl in a bar or nightclub, men whistling when you hold hands in public, men who become obsesses with trying to seduce you when you say you're a lesbian. I even was with a lesbian couple when they got sexually assaulted by a man during freaking Pride. So for one, I think the panic is really overbearing, and very misdirected. If you want to help LGBT people and protect them from harm resulting from being fetishized... direct your efforts at protecting queer women.

Absent of real life consequences, I gotta wonder how many people rage about the potential of people of a variety of sexes and orientations getting off on the idea of (attravtive) guys having sex or a romance say this, because truly they cannot cope with gay sex or romance being considered something attractive at all. A lot of homophobia that queer people experience is centered around this belief that we have to cower and beg to be accepted, that we have to present ourselves as the abberation to the perfect cishet folks. If we act like our lifes and loves are just as normal or in our eyes better than cishet stuff, we are often punished as being too much. Queer men especially face a lot of punishment for existing in public and expressing their sexuality. Any public display of affection regularly gets met with disgust, hate, or even violence. I know so many guys who are scared to kiss or hold hands in public. I also know several recent stories of gay men being beat up within my city. Male on male sexuality is also treated as something dirty. Immediately if you participated in it, no matter if you only ever had a 100% safe sex, in my country you immediately get signed up for more extensive health checks. You get barred from blood donations too, also for being in a gay relationship at all regardless of your sex pratices. Heck, even if I as a woman would have sex with a queer man I get the same treatment. So really, people in fandom creating some online buzz about 'wouldnt it be cool if these guys kissed/fucked/were in love' really feels like it does more against real life homophobia for queer men as i see it existing, by normalizing it, by lifting it up as desirable, than it seems to do harm. Cause the main problem is and has been that queer guys are told they cant exist, or need to be scared, or are dirty. All this talk online that so much attention going out to fantasized queer men's relationships is bad, that you're a dirty freak if you do that, i don't know, it mostly sounds like reinforcing the main form of homophobia queer men face.

Now the world is a big place, and i cannot presume to know about all local variants of homophobia and common queer experiences. Maybe there are places in the world where queer men publicly getting harassed as if they're sex dolls is a huge issue. In which case: your complaints are valid. I am sorry people in your life are going through that. I am sorry this post feels like another horror thrown on top of it. But maybe, when adressing a global audience... do as i do here... presume not the whole world works in alignment with your local point of view. Contextualize your complaints. Let your brothers and sisters in another country know you're fighting against stuff happening in your area, instead of just being another demon coming to reinforce homophobia.

[sublimazion3]

Hey, I just saw your post on Kodama Haruka; I've been out of the loop for the past few weeks, so I didn't think it was this serious at first, but now that you put it like that, I'm starting to get concerned. The last time we had someone take such an extended leave of absence due to health problems was Shimazaki Haruka (asthma). Would you happen to have any other additional information? I'm sorry if I'm being too nosy, and I understand if you don't want to answer this question.

Unfortunately, no. I don’t have any more info simply because management won’t give them. 

Fans on the net have been asking for more info as well, at least letting them know what it is that is keeping her at rest for such a long time instead of, every time, announcing at the very last moment that Haruka won’t take part to pre-settled events because of “poor health condition” (this is also why I kind of speculated that maybe not even management, or Haruka herself, know for how much longer this thing will last? Because it’s as tho they waited until the very last moment, until few days before the actual event, to announce that she won’t be taking part to it.) Fans have been speculating that it might be some kind of injury, though (some of them blaming shootings for mamepro, and I gotta say the thought actually came to my mind too), or that it might be her back pain again (the first time she got a long period of rest from group activities was in March 2014 until the beginning of the following month. Before the resting period, she had a theater performance where she ended up crying at the end, explaining to fans that she felt frustrated ‘cause she felt like she wasn’t able to properly perform that day due to her back pain), but nobody truly knows what it really is. 

In her latest Tweet (which some people on the net even said that it might have been written by management and not even Haruka herself), she talks about illness. As though she’s sick from some fever or these kind of illnesses, but it’s been more than a month… And it’ll hit two months soon since they said she won’t take part to the ENTIRE Kanto Tour anymore (this is the first time they revoke her participation to an event few weeks ahead)… I hear you’re a medical student, maybe you know best? Are there any kind of “not serious” illnesses that can take so long to heal? Because otherwise I really don’t know what to think. Nobody does. Even on mobile mail, even on G+ (when she updates…), all she keeps asking is to wait for her, without giving us any kind of explanation.