#i've been universally 'apathetic' about my gender in whatever identity i've settled on
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cw gender dysphoria? // i do be having the gender thoughts like "if my body didn't look like this i could transition but i can't because i won't ever look the way i feel"
#haha#heehee#hoohoo#much to unpack on this casual monday night#i think i'll just kick this rock down the road a few more years#my gender euphoria is mischievous elven men and masculine modern dancers dancing to britney spears and soft cowboys with pearl earrings#and yet i am in a feminine flesh prison in america#i've been universally 'apathetic' about my gender in whatever identity i've settled on#and now i'm finally in a space where i can explore with a bit of joy and i just feel scared and sad and unprepared#and my dumbass ocd brain is like 'what if you're wrong and if you look any closer you'll ruin your entire life?#-better spend the next 50 hours cataloging every thought you've ever had and torment yourself with scenarios'#but on this casual monday evening i'm not gonna do that#i'm gonna think about the joy of being feminine in the way that men are feminine!!!! i want that! and my brain can't take that away from me#cw dysphoria#personal#h#vent#editing to say#hmmmmmmm i just told my partner some of this and i shit u not they said#‘sorry i’m getting a call right now’ and mimed picking up a phone and then made a fart noise and walked away#:)))) unbelievable#i don’t know that i’ve ever been more disrespected in my entire fucking life
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