#i've been thinking about this for awhile and as much as i wish society would just degender names i don't see it happening soon

[inniave]

dropping 'helen' cause i keep getting misgendered lol

now it's just 'saint hyssop'

[orangepeelshortbreadcookies]

Colin and the brothel

So I've seen leaks or speculations circling around about season 3 episode 7, about how Colin would find out Penelope is Lady Whistledown. Specifically, how he would react to this reveal, apparently: they would have a big fight, and after that, he would go to a brothel in anger. The reaction to this possibilty, as far as I've seen, has ranged from at best, skeptical, and at worst, absolutely furious. Even as the leak also assured that Colin would not seal the deal with adultery, the mere implication that he would even consider it, as what I've seen, was either unimaginable or so beyond the pail that it was sufficient evidence to villify him.

For now, everything still remains speculations. If it turns out he would not go to the brothel after LW reveal, it's fine. Otherwise, if it turns out that he would go the brothel after a fruitless argument with Penelope...? ALSO FINE.

Like, is it cheap drama? Yes. Is it a valid response considering the situation? Also yes. Intrusive thoughts can be one hell of a drug. But aside from that, considering his circumstances, I would think it a pretty solid development for his character.

Let's get the meta reason out of the way: the writers need knock him off his pedestal, according to what they claimed, in order to get him and Penelope to the same (somewhat) level. So far he has been a perfect gentleman, perfectly accomodating, helpful, honest and emotionally honest with Penelope. Forgiving and compassionate. The same arguably cannot be said about her. Going to the brothels is Colin's Chekhov's gun of a crutch, a toxic, "empowering" coping mechanism for him the same way LW is for Penelope. The narrative frames his experience with the two sex workers in similar way with Pen writing a gossip column: temporary reprieves from emotional distress. Achievements that according to society they should be proud of. It would not be surprising to me that Colin would briefly retreat back behind this familiar shield after the Whistledown bomb drops on him. And what a bomb that would be.

And with his current state of mind, and the stage of their relationship, I'm not sure how else he could have reacted, beside dissociating the hell out of the situation for awhile. He could not break off their engagement, because (according to the leaks), their engagement or marriage was already public and could not be annulled or postponed without causing a huge scandal, and because he loves her, he does not want to do this. He could not tell his family, they would probably be very angry and for good reason. Because he loves Penelope and would not want to rob her of the joy of with his family at Bridgerton House, especially not after she told him how much it meant to her. Telling his family she's LW would be a pretty surefire way to end that refuge for good. He would be furious, and rightfully so. He would feel tricked. Manipulated. His opinions ignored. That his affections were taken for granted. He would feel like he trusted and confided in the wrong person. He would feel like the Marina story was repeating itself before him, made worse by the person who condemned her, the person who he thought was his best friend, who after listening to him asking her to trust him, didn't, and behind his back made decision about his future for him. Plus his own moral opinions against Whistledown's ethics and her subject matters, Colin has some pretty good, compounding reasons to be angry. That anger has to go somewhere. And there's not many places it could go.

So yeah, going to the brothel, to me, for Colin, in the moment, would feel like one of the few ways he has left to assert some sort of agency in his life. In a reductive, possibly destructive way, yes, and on surface level, strictly carnal, the two prostitutes heard him and respected his wishes. And at the moment of distress, that would feel like a lifeline. And if he can't go through with that, if he manages to rein himself in, it would speak volumns of his emotional maturity and how much he loves Penelope. That self-control of your worst impulses is also what Pen could learn from him and guess what, it helps them grow.

[hyperfixationsporfavor]

Gojo x Reader wip (The Marriage)

Author's Note: Hey guys. I recently read the interview about Gojo that was translated. It made me think about this wip I've had in my drafts forever. It's from the last chapter of my Gojo x Reader fic (The Marriage). It's hasn't been edited but I want to share it with you beauties. If you haven't already you can check out the series. The interview has got me in my feels. I had an upcoming fic planned with Naoya but I'm thinking about switching it to our blue eyed king. Anyway, here is the wip. Enjoy!

Warnings: mentions of illness, super rough draft so read at your own risk!!!

The was a bounty on Satoru Gojo’s head.

He was just a child and already curse users across the country were plotting their strategies to obtain him dead or alive. A child in possession of the six eyes? The reward money for even one of his eyes would be enough to live five lifetimes in luxury. 

The Gojo clan knew this and took preventative measures to ensure Satoru’s safety. However, all their efforts were put in jeopardy one afternoon when it was discovered by a maid that Satoru was not in his room, after an extensive sweep is was determined he had left the estate. 

“Satoru Gojo,” his uncle hissed.

~

An eleven year old Satoru walked the streets of Tokyo by himself, he had occasionally snuck out of the estate before, but this time was different, people were actively looking for him, his family, and two curse users. Satoru had noticed them following him for awhile now, an old woman and a man with thick eyebrows had been observing him from a rooftop cafe while he played in the arcade in the building across the street. At first he hadn’t done anything, knowing they weren’t stupid enough to make a move in front of so many non sorcerers. So he just focused on Pac-Man for the time being.

Other kids his age stood in small groups around the other machines. As much as he pretended he not to care a small part of him, buried by years of strict upberinging, wished to join them. Spend the day with people his own age and not worry about the fate of society. Normalcy would have been true freedom. 

~

When he had his fill he walked out of the arcade and glanced up at the curse users. Eyebrows, or Groucho as he had dubbed him, was still staring. 

Get a life.

He was fed up with them so he returned rhe gaze, knowing it wouldn’t be long until they sensed it, his cursed energy. And surely enough, after a few seconds Groucho and Granny began to recoil. They knew what he was, how easy it would be for him to take both of them out. He broke eye contact and started walking down the busy street.

~

Satoru bought a box of nerds and a can of Fanta from the nearby 7- Eleven. He decided on taking his goods into a Best Buy nestled into a shopping mall, there he decided to barricade himself in the home theater display room in front of the flat screen tvs. Finally left in peace he chugged his soda and shoved handfuls of purple and pink nerds into his mouth. He loved stuff like this but at home he was regulated to a strict diet. No process, high calorie, and not an ounce of flavor. He hated it, he didn’t want to go back, maybe he should just run away. His family would definitely have noticed his absence by now. They would send someone shortly, he’d just have to enjoy what time he had left. Satoru leaned back in the recliner and watched the repeating trailers and music videos that were played to display the effectiveness of the flat screen. A security guard tapped the back of the chair he was in. 

“Hey kid, this isn’t a lounge. You can’t take your crap in here.”

Satoru rolled his eyes and continued to watch the N’sync music videos. 

The guard stood in front of him. “Where are your parents.”

Why was everyone over the age of twenty giving him a hard time today. He didn’t have to deal with it not now. So he warped out of the chair and discreetly landed in front of the store. 

“Have a good day,” the cashier said as he walked out. 

The security guard stood flabbergasted in front of the now empty seat, littered with an empty soda can and stray pieces of candy. 

The music video ended and the trailer for Miss Congeniality started playing. 

~

Satoru wandered around the mall for awhile after that eventually stopping at a small movie theater next to Sears. 

The poster for X-Men caught his eye. He had wanted to see it for awhile know but had been denied by his uncle since it was dangerous. 

“One ticket for X- Men please.”

~

Satoru was lucky enough to have the whole theater to himself. He settled in the the middle of the aisle in the back. Finally some peace and quiet. The trailers dragged on and finally the fx logo appeared accompanied by an orchestra to signify the arrival of Hugh Jackman and his claws. He got through the first twenty minutes of the film before a familiar voice spoke beside him. 

“There you are,” his father softly spoke. 

Satoru sighed. He had felt his father’s presence before he could see him and sure enough a guard from the Gojo estate stood expecactantly at the end of the aisle. 

“How did you find me?” Satoru asked. 

“There were reports of two curse users retreating from a white haired threat. You don’t exactly blend in Satoru,” the old man chuckled. 

Satoru reluctantly stood up. “Are we going now?”

Much to his surprise his father sat down in the seat next to his. “What do you mean? The film just started.”

The security guard stepped forward. “Sir-”

He held up a hand to stop him. “Call my brother and tell him well be back at the estate later this evening. And have a few more guards on standby to patrol the mall. Can’t be too careful.”

The guard stepped out of the theater to make the call. Satoru’s father patted the seat next to him and Satoru hesitantly sat back down.”

“This is from that cartoon you used to like?” his father asked. 

“Yeah and the comics, you remember that?”

“Of course I do.”

The two of them settled in for the rest of the movie. 

~

“Well that was interesting. Did you enjoy the film?”

Satoru nodded as he walked alongside his father out of the theater. 

“And the white haired character? What was her name?”

“Storm.”

“She’s you’re favorite?”

Satoru nodded in excitement. He rarely got the opportunity to talk about things like this with others, his mind wandered back to the groups of kids in the arcade.

“Storm’s the strongest.”

His father smiled. “Then it’s fitting that she’s your favorite character.”

Satoru looked up to him and smiled back wishing he could stay there forever.

~

Instead of going straight home Satoru’s father takes him to the mall food court. “If you were just eating candy you’ll give yourself a belly ache.”

So his father buys him a cheeseburger with fries and a cherry coke along with a small salad for himself. 

Gojo notices how the security guard is eyeing the current head of the Gojo clan, it’s the same way everyone else has been looking at him, cautious of the possibility of him breaking. His father’s health hadn’t been doing so well, doctors and nurses were a frequent sighting around his room and it was clear how weak he really was. Over the last year he’d grown thin, his cheeks were so hollow. The salad in front of him was just for show, he’d only be able to get a few bites down before heaving it back up. At night he’d hear his Uncle and the rest of the men talking about how preparations needed to be made, how Satoru’s training needed to be accelerated so he’d be ready to assume the role of clan head. But he dind’t want to be the head, he wanted his father. His mother had passed when he was a baby, leaving her husband and son in the snake pit. And if his father left…

“Satoru? You’re crying.”

He hadn’t noticed. But sure enough salty tears ran down his face, staining his cheeks. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“Son,” he murmured, extending his arms out.

It was rare, growing up in such a tradition family, to show emotions and be vulnerable. But Satoru rushed to his arms and let his father hold him. He knew if he didn’t he’d regret it. 

“Dad,” he muttered in his chest, cherishing the sound of his beating heart. 

“I know you’re sorry. And I’m sorry to. You’re so young but the weight of the world is on your shoulders.”

He pulled away and looked at his son in the eyes, those infinite blue eyes that connected the sea and the sky in harmony. 

“I know it seems lonely now. But someday you’ll be surrounded by people who love you. No one should be alone. Don’t worry. Let’s just go home.”

[creativepromptsforwriting]

Hey Jana! I was wondering if you could help out with a trope I'm trying to write for my book. It's a female bodyguard x Prince and l'm having trouble figuring out the whole concept. Like dialogue and how the guard would act towards the Prince or maybe how the kingdom would act because she is a women and how their overall tension and love story would go. And like…would she live at the castle?? I don't know the rules and l've researched a ton but it didn't really help. If you could give some subplots or prompts and dialogue it would help me way more then some search engine 😭

Thank you have a good day :)

Hi my friend :)

So, you already told me that it's taking place in medieval Europe. I'm no expert in that area and it's been awhile since I studied it in school. But I'll try with my limited knowledge :D

And this turned out to be so long I put it under the cut.

As far as I know there is debate over the matter of women being knighted, but there is no real debate over women being fighters. So a woman would probably not have been a respected knight that the people would just accept, but she could have been someone who defended their town for example.

And I've also read about the guards of a king, which are not like modern bodyguards, but more like a unit of knights that would be the personal army of the king, separate from the bigger army of the kingdom. So I wouldn't expect a man being the sole bodyguard of a king, let alone a woman. This would be similar but fewer people for a crown prince, I would think. How it would be for a lower prince, I really don't know.

But... if you're not writing a book that claims to be historical accurate then basically anything is possible. If you choose this, then I think that you can change the rules however you want, just with taking inspiration from the actual historical facts. So since I don't think that a woman has ever been a personal bodyguard to a prince in medieval Europe, I think that you can decide if she would live in the castle, how she is scene by society and the other things you asked about.

But I would definitely suggest her living very close, so that she can always be ready to defend the prince. And (a bit depending on her character) I would think that she would be very loyal to the prince, respectful and that she would probably stay in the background and not be too personal with the prince and the other royal members. That can of course change over the course of their work relationship together and they can grow closer and more open with each other despite their differences. And she would also always try to keep the prince in check so that he doesn't put himself in danger.

And since it seems like in your story it is still something new for a woman to be a guard, I would suggest that you think about why she became the guard. Was there a change in leadership and they decided to include women in the army and to show that they trusted women to defend the country, they put her in charge of personally defending the prince? Or did she save the prince somehow, which earned her the spot as his personal guard?

You could also ask @inky-duchess who is much more of an expert when it comes to royalty than I am.

I hope I could help at least a bit and I wish you all the best with your story! :)

- Jana

[dasenergi-diary]

Thanks for the tag, @africanmorning!

Favorite Pseudonym: Das Energi is the one I have used for 20+ years. I even own dasenergi.com

Time Zone: Pacific

Star Sign: I am a Pisces. Here is the whole chart:

Favorite Holidays: Christmas Eve & Halloween. I’d like to celebrate Groundhog Day more, send Groundhog Day cards, have a Groundhog Day party.

Last Meal: Geronimo and I went to Modica’s Deli in Long Beach and I had a cold veggie sandwich with fresh mozzarella, roasted bell peppers, tomato, lettuce, pesto, oil & vinegar, and pickles. And I drank an iced mocha latte. I really should have breakfast.

Current Favorite Musician: I have been listening to @autumnluzarts a lot lately.

Last Music Listened to: Eartha Kitt, “Under the Bridges of Paris”

Last Movie Watched: Godzilla Minus One

Last TV Show Watched: For All Mankind

Last Book Finished: Francesca Lia Block, “The Hanged Man”

Last Book Abandoned: Do I ever truly abandon any book I haven’t finished yet? I fully expect to finish all of them some day. But the most recent book that has been sitting on my nightstand unread for weeks is, “The 21 Lessons of Merlyn: A Study in Druid Magic & Lore”

Currently Reading: Umm… “The 21 Lessons of Merlyn: A Study in Druid Magic & Lore”?

Books/Shows/Movies you want to get around to: Books - Oh, I have several on my to-read pile for 2024. Partciularly a few gay romance novels. I also want to re-read all of Francesca Lia Block's Weeztie Bat books. But I promised @teenakp I would read Terry Pratchett’s “Nation” next. Shows - I am eager to watch Brit Marling and Zal Batmanglij’s “A Murder at the End of the World”. Movies - I am planning to rewatch all of the original Sean Connery James Bond movies. Followed by all the Indiana Jones movies. Or maybe it's the other way around.

Last Thing Researched: I looked up the lyrics to Eartha Kitt’s “Under the Bridges of Paris”. Does that count?

Last Thing Learned: Ummm… that “Under the Bridges of Paris” is totally about having sexy times under the bridges of Paris, just as I expected it to be. (It was the B-Side to Eartha Kitt's “Santa Baby” 45 RPM vinyl.)

Favorite Online Fandom Memory: Umm… Neil Gaiman reblogging one of my posts? Leslie Jordan congratulating me on publishing my first book?

Favorite Old Fandom You Wish Would Have A Resurgence: I expect I’ll probably rewatch “The OA” after watching Brit Marling and Zal Batmanglij’s “A Murder at the End of the World”. It's been awhile since I rewatched it. I wonder what it will be like this time.

Favorite Thing You Enjoy That Never Had an Active or Big "Fandom" But You Wish It Did: Heck, I am surprised that “For All Mankind” even has a small fandom at all. Most things I like aren't very popular. But two shows that come to my mind. Back in 2020 Alex Garland had a great sci-fi show on Hulu called “Devs”. It deserved a bigger following when it aired. And more recently, there was a great French/Japanese show on Apple TV based on a manga about wine tasting called “Drops of God”. I wish it had a bigger following… I wanted people to talk to about it when the new episodes were airing weekly.

Tempting Project You Don't Have Time For: I know I have a follow-up to my book “Rewrite the Stars” inside of me. Like a do-over. I put so much of myself into that one and it never caught on. I had higher hopes for it. As an artist I try to push on the accepted norms of our medium — new ways of thinking, seeing, experiencing. But society doesn’t know how to approach things it doesn’t understand. Constantly feeling misunderstood isn’t very motivating. Why put so much time and effort into something that no one will read? The follow-up lives in my mind, and right now that is good enough for me. Who has time to write another book? I'd rather sleep and dream.

Tempting Project I've Given In to: Out with the old, and in with the new. I have been going through the house and garage getting rid of things I haven't used or doesn't resonate with me anymore. For example, I donated seven boxes of books to the Friends of the Library. But there is still a lot in this house I need to sort though. My current project is the garage. Next will be the closet.

Tagging: @persepinesascent and @teenakp if you are in the mood for it.

[drea-exclusives]

Week 8 — You Are Exactly Where You Need To Be

After the last entry, I didn't want to write another sad one and mope around this week, but I feel like I've reflected a lot and gone through many different thought processes in the midst of figuring out this patch I'm going through. Therefore, I figured I would treat this as a safe space to document how I've been feeling and what I've comprehended from recent events.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

After having a rough few days last week, feeling lost and dwelling in my depleting self-esteem, this week has been better in the sense that I have been processing my emotions, accepting how I feel, and showing myself compassion. It is through this way that I am slowly learning to let go of the grudges I hold against myself.

I realised that a big part of what I've been struggling with is feeling like I'm running behind in life or that I should be progressing quicker and involving myself in more things as most of the people around me are doing so. Essentially, comparing myself to others and feeling bad about myself because this isn't ideally where I want to be. It's a really low and isolating feeling; you feel like you're trying to run but you're stuck in place, alone, while everyone else is moving ahead and life continues on without allowing you space to breathe and pause for a moment.

It really is true when they say that comparison is the thief of joy. And though it may not be intentional, all of us will at some point subconsciously compare ourselves to our peers and the people around us. But if you actually think about it, we are all on different journeys, with different pathways, destinations, skillsets, and obstacles; it doesn't make sense for us to compare ourselves with others. Yet, this is unfortunately just one of those things that have been ingrained into society, and as a result, has become an insecurity for me throughout my adolescent years. Sometimes it's the fear of missing out; wanting to live a simple life and not having many big aspirations, but fearing that you should be doing more due to societal pressures. Other times, it's looking at someone who seems to have everything sorted out and wishing so desperately that you were in their shoes.

But after a lot of time spent contemplating and being upset at myself, at some point I realised that it's okay if I'm not where I want to be right now. I have so much time and my life has barely just begun, I don't have to be the epitome of who I've wanted to be my whole life, and it's okay if I'm not the best version of myself right now either. More importantly, it doesn't devalue who I am, my worth, or my capabilities, just because I don't have everything sorted out. Being in the same place for awhile doesn't mean that I'm not growing and progressing, or that I won't eventually reach my destination and achieve what I've wanted to achieve; it just means that I'm on the path to getting there, and I need to have more trust and faith in both myself and the process.

On top of all that, I owe myself forgiveness; both for being so harsh on myself, and also for not being the version of me that I had envisioned. Letting go of any resentment, grudges, or expectations that I or others might've had because in this crucial time, I need to show up for myself instead of punishing and diminishing myself for everything that I am not. Giving myself more grace because at the end of the day, I am human, and I deserve better than this. And hopefully one day when this phase has passed, I can look back and see how far I've come, and realise that I've always been moving forward and becoming who I've wanted to be. Maybe by then, I can show my current self the love that I've been unable to give her, cherish her with all her faults and fears, and be proud of her for persisting despite everything.

-

You're doing great, dear self. Please never doubt it.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Song of the Week! This is one of my ultimate comfort songs that I always come back to when I'm facing any kind of hardships in life, so much so that I can only listen to it these days when I'm having a tough time because the song is associated with so many difficult periods in my life. It is a safe space for me where I feel comfortable putting my strength down and letting out everything that has been bothering me lately, embodying a shoulder to cry on or a warm embrace.

[basketcasemp3]

Have you ever seen any gifsets or posts about Emily and Rory's relationship? I see a lot about Rory and Richard, and obvs Lorelai and the others, but I've always been really interested in how Emily tries to bond with and support Emily and how Rory tends to stick up for her against Lorelai and sees her grandparents home as a safe space.

actually I haven’t seen anything about, at least not recently which is a shame because I think its definitely an interesting relationship. maybe people aren't interested in them as a dynamic because it’s not as volatile as lorelai & emily but it’s also not as fun as lorelai & rory, but tbh I think there are a lot of other complexities that come with rory & emily. obviously, one of the main themes in the show, especially the earlier seasons, is that rory is the daughter that richard and emily wish they had. she’s quiet and polite, yet intelligent and completely capable of taking care of herself. she didn’t get pregnant at 16 and they don’t see her as someone that they can’t control, like they couldn't control lorelai. and even though in the earlier seasons, there were aspects of society life that rory hated (the cotillion), there’s also things that rory does like that they can share with her, because they could never share those things with lorelai. 

what i think is really interesting is that emily, unlike chris’ parents, don’t view rory as a burden or a mistake, which she makes very clear to rory in christopher returns after chris’ father throws a hissy fit. I love this moment sooo much because we know that Emily hates that Lorelai get pregnant at 16 and thinks that Lorelai “threw her life away” but she tells rory that she doesn’t blame her for it at all and when she sees rory, she doesn’t see a mistake. I think this is a MASSIVE reason why rory is so forgiving of Emily and tries to stand up for her against Lorelai- she sees another side to her that Lorelai couldn’t. and obv there are things to be said abt the Lorelai of it all because I think Lorelai's valid in her dislike of her parents and hatred of her childhood and I do think she’s allowed to feel whatever she feels about them, but rory knows Emily as someone who loves her unconditionally and offers her a safe space. Emily creating a room for rory in Emily in wonderland is one half spiteful to Lorelai for taking rory away, but it’s also one half genuinely wanting her granddaughter to have a place to go to, which is another reason why I think rory gets comfort from her. Emily doesn’t always do things without an ulterior motive, but a lot of the time I don't think she desire to passive aggressive to Lorelai outweighs her desire for rory to be taken care of. her decision to call rory and ask for her opinions on things to decorate the room shows me that making the room wasn’t just about getting back at Lorelai, because if it was, she wouldn't have tried so hard to make it a space that rory would actually like. she does this in rory’s birthday parties too, when she asks Lorelai to help her pick out a gift for rory. i’m using this as an example because doing the fancy party was for show and to impress their friends, in which case she could've gotten rory anything and we know that rory is very gracious with her grandparents in s1 and would've accepted anything, but emily taking the effort to ask for help and then getting her something that she would  actually like meant to me that she wanted a relationship with rory that she never had with Lorelai. I think the reason rory views the Gilmore's as a safe space in say, ps I lo..., for example is because she feels as though they love her as a privilege, instead of just their right, and that they’re a place that's not so...hmm I don't know, maybe not so loud as lorelai and stars hollow? I think maybe i’m trying to say that they expect things from her, certainly, but they expect different than lorelai and in season 1, it’s a place she felt comfortable and welcome. 

which brings me to my next point which is that previous paragraphs were about the earlier seasons of the show, where rory is still impressionable and young, where she doesn’t push back against emily and agrees to a lot of the things that emily asks her to do. she badly wants to please them, but knows doing that is pretty easy. season 5 is where things start to change, specifically in the party’s over. Emily knows that rory wants to please her, so she knows that she’ll agree to the party & can meet loads of more “appropriate” boys (and she does because this is the beginning of rory/logan) and will eventually move on from the “losers” in stars hollow. Emily's adoration of logan & logan’s whole family is where he view of rory changes from seeing rory to seeing who she wanted Lorelai to be. if you believe asp that logan is rory’s chris (he’s not but whatever that's another issue that I don't actually care all that much about) then it makes sense that she fixates on their relationship so much, because Emily starts to see rory as her actual daughter and this only continues into season 6. it’s too abrupt for it to be believable, to me, because Emily's always valued rory for who she is and has always been proud of rory’s education and career goals, but it’s at the point in season 6 when rory dropped out/joined the DAR that Emily actually starts to see rory as her own child which we know is problematic and begins a huge shift in their relationship. rory then moving out, re-enrolling in school, and accepting chris’ money is a huge push back to Emily, which she’s never experienced all that much before from rory. what I find sooo interesting about that situation is that once Emily started thinking about rory as a “new and improved lorelai,” and treating her own child, that’s when rory started acting like the actual lorelai and tried defying her. the reason I find this so interesting is because, in an earlier draft of this long winded response, I wrote that grandparent/child relationships are so different than parent/child relationships (depending on the situation), and once Emily stepped back from her loving & safe grandparent role (that was able to connect with rory) into a motherly one, she began making the same mistakes she made with Lorelai, thus fracturing their relationship.

as weird as I find Emily in season 6, I think it did a service to their relationship because now they can both see each other as they actually are, instead of the fantasy of each other. Emily fantasized that rory was the perfect child that she never had and rory fantasized that Emily was the perfect grandparent that would always support her and them realizing that the other one isn’t as perfect as they pretended to be for awhile is what saved their relationship going forward. they both learned a lot about forgiveness and managing expectations and loving people for who they actually are and you know what im so sorry that this got so long and makes no sense but basically I agree with you I think they’re a very interesting but a massively underrated dynamic

[dxmedstudent]

I've been wondering this awhile but after your frank discussions about illness, I felt comfortable enough to reach out. During my period, I feel suicidal and it's been getting worse as I get older; when I'm not on my period, I dont have any of those urges. Is it because of the hormones or the pain? What I'm most worried about is that it'll get even worse later on and I'll actually do something when I'm in that mindset.

Oh, honey. That sounds so exhausting, I wish I could give you a hug or a pat on the back. I’m so sorry you have to go through that, and I’m going to do my best to give you all the information I can. It’s not you, you’re not crazy. This is a real thing, and you don’t need to suffer alone. Most people have heard of PMS - premenstrual syndrome (also known as PMT). It’s a collection of symptoms; some physical and some mental, that most women experience before (or during) their period. Most women (about 75%) experience PMS to some degree; before or during their period. It can be pretty intense; even women without the severe form can feel pretty down or tearful or anxious etc. The RCOG has some tips on how to manage PMS, but many of us just do the best we can to get by. There ARE treatments, though, so I want you to think about whether you would like to go to your doctor to get diagnosed. If someone’s existing condition (say, anxiety, depression, or something else) gets worse around their period, we might term it a premenstural exacerbation; and that can happen, too. But some people just get these feelings around the time of their period. For example, life is definitely harder for some of my friends with depression when their period comes around. What you’re describing sounds to me like it might be a severe form of PMS called PMDD. People with PMDD can experience severe depressive or other mental symptoms, including feeling suicidal aroud the time of their period. This is a particularly good website from Mind, the mental health charity. MIND also have a PDF booklet on it that is pretty good. It’s got stories from people going through the same thing, tips for who to call if you feel suidical in the UK, and it links to tips for how to cope with suicidal thoughts. I think it’ll be really useful for you. Here’s another personal blog from someone else, on the Mental Health Foundation website.

 Although they affect our mental health, PMS and PMDD are defined as endocrine disorders (disorders of the hormones), because we believe that the hormones are behind these drastic changes. There’s thought to be a genetic element to who gets the severe forms; it doesn’t mean someone is weaker or more irrational if their PMS is worse; how bad your symptoms are has nothing to do with your strength. We can’t fight our way out of an illness.That is not weakness; rather, living with an illness requires a strength few people realise. I know that you must have been trying very hard to deal with your symptoms for a long time, and I know that you are stronger than you realise. Reach out to people. Talk to people you trust; pleae don’t suffer alone. If you are feeling suicidal and worry you may do something, reach out to the Samaritans, or helplines available where you are. And please talk to a doctor; there are treatment options available. If they don’t listen, if they dismiss you as a woman, find another doctor. Don’t let anyone tell you this is what periods do, and this is something you have to put up with.

I hope things get better for you, and I’m sorry that you have to deal with so much every month.

Before I end this reply, I want to talk about PMS.

I know that someone out there is probably reading this thinking “LOL isn’t PMS just women being angry bitches?”. PMS is pretty stigmatised because people associate periods with being ‘emotional’ or ‘irrational’, however that’s because historically society has tried to discredit women’s opinions. Rather than understand why someone might be upset or frustrated, it’s much easier to just say they are out of control and leave it at that because it absolves you of having to work out how you are exacerbating the situation. There’s this image in the public sphere of women blowing up over nothing whilst their bemused male partners or family or friends have no idea what’s going on. When someone is suffering, whether that is with a bad day, PMS or mental health problems, what they need is sympathy and a kind ear, not stigma and judgement and having their feelings discounted. It’s actually pretty hard to discuss PMS because there will always be some utter pile of snot out there on the internet who argues that women are irrational and emotional and incapable of controlling their emotions and who will pointedly miss the entire point no matter what you do.

Women with symptoms aren’t pulling their grievances out of nowhere; they get upset by things that are frustrating. However just like when you’re really tired or hungry or have had a really bad day, our resilience and the magnitude of those feelings can vary considerably. Someone with PMS isn’t ‘crazy’, whether they have mental health problems or not. They are just dealing with a lot more than usual, and are often exhausted and at the end of their tether, and therefore their response to the situation reflects that. How they act isn’t irrational; it’s what feels like the best response to the circumstances at the time. It’s actually pretty scary having PMS sometimes; because the feelings you get can be overwhelming and intense. When you’re that low and vulnerable, your usual coping mechanisms and inner CBT and voice of reason just don’t work as well, so it can feel like you’re riding out a storm on your own (with the physical symptoms of PMS or your period, for maximum frustration). Personally, My PMS varies every month, but it’s frustrating when you know you’re having a big response to something that you can normally deal with (or reassure yourself about) well, or normally isn’t a big deal for you. I’d go as far as to say for me it goes beyond anxieties to intrusive thoughts. I might logically know my friends don’t hate me, I’m not gonna get dumped, my life isn’t terrible and I’m not a terrible doctor, or whatever that thought is, but that doesn’t stop the intensity of the focus when you’re in that upset frame of mind.

[blissfullydeadly]

jan.12th.2022..fuck 2022?

recently, ive had no drive to write. to express my emotions and take the time out of my day to take a pencil to a paper and just mindlessly write. maybe its because ive been busy? im working finally and its taken up a majority of my time. plus, ive also started classes again. and, im in a relationship with someone. those three main things take up a majority of my time. i obviously do other things but they are all mind-numbing. scrolling through tiktok or other social media platforms, eating, watching some bullshit on youtube or netflix.

wow. its 2022 huh? a new year. we're 12 days into and it feels like so much has happened. i dyed my and cut my hair, my parents relationship is falling apart, the pandemic is still ongoing and getting worse, I'm questioning my major, I'm in a relationship and the world seems to be coming to a slow but sure ending. perhaps that's just me being dramatic. but things haven't felt right for awhile. but as a society we will continue to ignore it and focus on the now instead of the detrimental later.

its two days into classes and I feel as though I'm already lacking motivation. the need to succeed as they would say. but, I will keep pushing. if it means that my future will hold more possibilities. i know college is a scam but, I've already jumped into the water and there's no getting out.

i left home from break new years day. i couldn't handle being there another day. but when I leave, I feel guilty. so guilty it makes me sick to my stomach. seeing my mother so unhappy and stuck in an abusive relationship crushes me. there's only so much can do. and to see my sisters; my girls, go through the same thing I did...if not worse kills me. i want nothing more than to give my mother and the girls the world. they deserve it. but, if I were to give them the world..that would mean sacrificing myself and my future. Im pretty sure i wrote about this before but...for so long i hated my brother. He left me with my crazy parents. He had the saving grace of my grandparents. Sometimes I wish I could have stayed with my grandparents but I wouldn't be the person I am today. My brother was taken away from my house's bullshit in his early teens. He had things handed to him for the most part but I know he struggled with a lot.

the last time I wrote. i felt pretty heavily against my mother. but the more time I think about it. the more I empathize with her. she's just trying to be happy. she's been the number one in my life. the only person that hasn't switched up. its only right to do the same thing. a couple years ago, she felt happy with my step father. but years have passed and he's grown into a different person. the new person that he's grown into, she doesn't love. and that is okay. he is so manipulative and there's nothing I can do. you know how people say, "its much easier said than done"? that line has never been truer.

sometimes, I think of my sisters as my own. granted, I didn't birth them. but I stand by the fact that I raised them more than my step father ever has. truth be told, I did an okay job. not a good job but an okay one. it started from changing their diapers, to watching them, to introducing them to a new world of things. my 2nd youngest sister is on the varsity basketball team and is doing well in school. not that it matters but she is popular and has a huge clan of friends. my youngest sister, is having a hard time...but I see so much potential in her. she is going to do amazing things. she's good at drawing and is so creative. maybe its selfish and crude to say I helped raised them. but I guarantee you that I helped change more of the girls diapers than my stepfather did. not to mention, I was going to school, trying to make my own friends all at the age of 9 and up.

ANFDNFSDIFNSIDNFISDF anyways, obviously...my life has been heavily consumed in regards to my family. i try to steer away, but its so hard. as shitty as this sounds, sometimes I wish could be like Rue in euphoria and just not give a fuck. do harsh drugs and not give a damn where my life is headed. but as I said....Easier said than done.

[40sandfabulousaf]

Hihi all except warmongers, 大家好! It has been 4.5 months since Douglas received both Pfizer jabs. Ever since our catch up last weekend, he started layering 2 surgical masks when he leaves his home, including when he ferries me back to my place. We still feel relatively safe catching up with one another, given that we've seen how cautious each of us has been and continues to be eversince the pandemic began last year.

My babe YL and I haven't met in yonks! Not that we don't wish to. Her parents are both elderly AND immunocompromised. I did not ask about their vaccination status. All I know is she wants to keep them as safe as possible and, of course I understand. We keep in touch regularly and promised to meet again as soon as the elderly, the most vulnerable in society, are at lower risk of being infected, landing up in the ICU or requiring oxygen.

YL's recent good news: SHE GOT MARRIED! The wedding ceremony will not occur so soon given the current covid situation and, when it does, is not likely to be a huge affair. Even so, I'm thrilled for her! Friendships don't simply vanish just because we don't meet for awhile. There're so many platforms for communication and it makes catching up in person in future even more exciting! For now, our silver generation's safety comes first.

It has been a very hectic week; my new boss joined us on Tuesday. Another vacancy will be filled this coming Monday. It's been meeting after meeting, discussion after discussion, as the new ones need to be briefed and guided till they settle in with our office culture as well as the daily work. Add to this a new product launch in the works, portfolio reallocations and process streamlining. PHEW! Let's just say I'm glad the weekend is here.

Onto other stuff, this time, donations. I've made a monetary contribution this week and asked Little Bro to do what he can. Much as I would like to reveal more, I would prefer not to for personal privacy. In any case, it isn't like we're asked to part with our savings. This is a one-time thingy; the total sum is not very much at all. In fact the amount I contributed was 1/6 of their outlay. Most importantly, the cause is so very close to my heart.

My philosophy is this: those of us who enjoy a comfortable life have a duty towards those less fortunate. We're blessed to be in a position to give or help because it is our responsibility to do so. Do you honestly think it feels good to see others openly socialising when my family and I are curtailing our own activities so as to help our country slow the spread of the Delta variant? Let's get real. It feels like crap.

Everytime I start feeling resentment towards those who're cavalier about the virus and especially those who push for a premature further relaxing of safety measures before our elderly are properly protected, I remind myself that surely there must be others who value the silver generation as I do. Surely there must be others who haven't sold their soul to cold hard cash. Without compassion, empathy, kindness and patience, are we really human beings? Can we even call ourselves leaders?'

Till the next time, 下次见!

[everydaymamaof3]

Am I Doing This Right?

It's been a little while since I blogged. I just didn't have the time, working on finishing my certification, kids, work, life. I felt a bit like I had a mental block or fog too. There was definitely a shift happening in my world. Couldn't really put a finger on it...but the fog started making sense recently. I am a mama to three girls. A young adult, a tween and a young child. My world is filled with their ups and downs, their transitions, their challenges...and right now, during these ages, it's a lot of transitions and growth. My oldest is about to graduate University, thinking about where they'll live, where she'll get hired as an RN. Where, benefits both of them, her and her fiance. So in the back of my mind, I'm thinking of places, I'm thinking of the move, how far away, the changes coming, picturing places they'll rent or maybe buy, imagining their future. A backyard maybe? All good positive, next steps of life thoughts....will we see them at Christmas? What kind of shifts will she have? All while also thinking of their wedding. Budgeting. Planning. Catering. Maybe that’s just my over excited thoughts? I am excited! My daughter is getting married and starting a career as a nurse. It makes the moments I felt like a complete failure as a mother, feel like an eternity ago, and so meaningless now.

So that's just one kiddo who's life is on my mind. My tween, well, she's only ten, but I'm starting to see a glimmer of a tweenager. I've really been paying close attention to her mood swings. Her frustrations, her attitude shifts. For awhile, I was so stressed about it, she was just easily irritated, easily frustrated, more emotional than normal, and the mother, Sherlock Holmes in me, was struggling to figure out what was going on. Well, I figured it out. It was her tablet. Now know this, I am not a person who judges, I don't care how much time other people's children spend on tablets, or what you use them for, these opinions are strictly my own, and behaviour I personally noticed in my own child.

She was on it for maybe an hour or so a day...sometimes not at all...I thought, meh, she's just watching craft videos, funny videos, but then we started noticing the attitude, the withdraw. I would notice her go from completely entranced by the screen, to pissed off at the world when she was told to put it away. Ok. I see what's happening here. So, we had a family meeting, and we eliminated tablets Monday to Friday. They're allowed to have them on Friday evenings, Saturdays on our hour long sport commute, and Sundays for an hour in the morning. I started looking at what they were watching. Kids doing stupid things. Kids lip syncing. 5 minute crafts was featuring how to turn your t shirt into a belly shirt. Or how to plump up your lips by sticking them in a plastic container??! Why are my children so interested in this. So I felt a bit like I wasn't doing my job as a parent, allowing them to watch these things. The headline 5 minute crafts. It just HAS to sneak in that useless garbage for our kids. Frustrating. I also took a look at myself. How much screen time I have. How I hear my kids say, "mom, you didn't hear me because you were on your phone", you’re right, and point taken.

We made changes. We’re back to seeing our kids actually make the crafts they watched now that the tablets are put away during the week. We’re usually on an adventure on the weekends so if there’s down time, they go on. They're back to being active and busy, and creative and the attitude has improved immensely. There's still days I'm pulling my hair out because I get "the tone" that puts us moms over the edge. Or stomping. Or fighting...I think for the most part, for having a four year age gap, they get along incredibly well. I remind myself, my middle daughter is entering some scary territory with hormones and puberty and boys, and mean girls, and body image....I remind myself that I have a really big job ahead, and it's gonna be hard. It's gonna be emotionally, physically, and mentally challenging. I've raised one teenage girl. Two more to go. We got this. And in the meantime we’ll continue to embrace the innocence ❤️

My girls are growing up in a different society. Even one that is different from when my oldest was a teen. And that wasn’t that long ago...5 years. One I'm still learning how to navigate. What is right. What is wrong. What age is right for this or that? It seems so much harder than simpler times when we were growing up. Although I'm sure mama's of the past would disagree. It was probably just as hard, just a different world. Different challenges. Different ways to deal, but parenting is universal. Teach, help, protect, guide, comfort, observe, learn, none of that has changed..

My littlest is learning to be more independent. She's letting go of me bit by bit, but still just as cautious as always. She still wants to be picked up for hugs, which thankfully, I can still pick up 44 pounds..mind you, being the last baby, I'll probably still pick her up at 74 pounds. She is very much my shadow, and places another challenge on me, making sure I'm giving the same amount of time and attention to my ten year old. AND my twenty two year old. I'm just hanging on tight as long as I can. They’re growing up so fast, and wanting less and less of me. I know. This is good. This means you're doing your job as a good mom and raising independent kids. Still doesn't take away the desire to spend every minute with them before they say "bye mom" *gulp*

The greatest joy for me is watching them through these stages and phases. Even though it's hard sometimes, it's draining, it's also rewarding, and makes me so proud. But it can be terrifying. Hoping I'm doing what's best for them. Always. Everyday. But then feeling guilty when I want space from them. Doesn't that suck! You’re at the point of exhaustion, ready to tear everyone's head off in the house, give yourself a break, and feel bad about it.

I shake my head.

No matter what though, self care is crucial.

So on top of my mind being fully occupied by my children's lives, I also need room in there for my work, for my marriage, for my friendships, most importantly for my health and well being.

To be a fly in the brain of a modern day woman. It would be incredibly fascinating! Like a room full of computers, buzzing madly, spitting out information every second of every day....and then re inputting it back into the computer to re analyze it, go over it, and spit it back out!

I have to remember to try and quiet my mind though. Stay on top of my mental health with breaks. Me time. Quiet. Running. Yoga. Coffee Dates. Massages. Facials. Reading. Uninterrupted conversations with my husband. Date nights. It's part of being a good mom, wife, friend, teacher, running on a full cup, not an empty cup. Sometimes we need a reminder though. "Hey, you know that life cup...it's about to spill" Don't you wish there was a little alarm in our brains that beeped when it was time to reboot. Instead, our reminders come in a form of illness, breakdowns, or our inner Cruella Deville's emerge.

I'm doing my best to stay on top of life’s balance. Sometimes I fail miserably. Sometimes I'm the healthiest, happiest human being, living my best life! I love my life. And I love being a writer, so I can feel like a normal mom, a normal woman, in a hurry up, noisy, busy world ❤️