#i've been posting my art online for. half my entire life now. good fucking god

[keymintt]

numbers and social media stuff don't rly affect what i do insofar as much as i'm gonna draw and make what i'm gonna make regardless of how many people pay attention to it, but it has ALSO been awhile since i said thank you to everyone who follows and supports what i do, so thank you all for sticking around and thinking what i post is cool enough to want to see consistently, it really does mean a lot ;v;

[tamiddyinyourcity]

9:12pm, life is a mess, as always, so here I am to let yall know about it.

Wednesday, January 29th of 2020.

Sigh.

So....

I just learned my mom is giving away ine of my cats tomorrow. She's my favorite cat, and literally had been there for me to comfort me whenever I sobbed around the house all alone by myself. And that time I considered killing myself when my great ex, Patrick #1, left for college, rendering me alone and friendless..... She was there, and her rubbing her cute furry face on my ankles and swirling her tail around my legs were the only thing to fucking stop me. Nothing else did.... I love Klay, everyone knows that. When she finally returned home after an entire month of being out the house, I literally sat at my doorstep sobbing my fucking eyes out at how scrawny she was, and how my favorute fat little gluttonous cat with the sleepy eyes turned so dirty and skinny and half dead looking.... I really pray that she finds a great new owner. ASPCA kills animals, so I really dont want such a sweet, and now finally healthy, cat to fall victim to this terrible fate. I wish theres more I could do, but I don't even know.....

Just feeling a bit off. I made a post online somewhere to make new friends in the area.... Suddenly getting cold feet at the responses. Probably since most of the people are over 25, and..... Yeah, what am I gonna have in common with an almost 30 year old? And one person I felt I could really click with didn't reply.... A bit bummed at that.

I paid FIFTY DOLLARS FOR ART SUPPLIES at the art store, just for the alarm to still ring when I left out???? I panicked and deadass just walked out. No one had chased me. BUT BITCH! turns out someone left an electronic tag on my markers..... FUCKER. I COULDVE JUST STOLE THE DAMN MARKERS AND KEPT MY FIFTY BUCKS IF I COULD PURCHASE EVERY ITEM AND STILL LOOK GUILTY AS FUCK EITHER WAY?????? BITCH????? karma is gonna reap that store i swear to god

The depressing amount of phone numbers in my contacts list that wouldnt reply to me even if i messaged them...... greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

No comment about my ex, so far. At least there is that.

...

Also, the coronavirus! Apparently a plane from Wuhan landed in SF..... AND NO ONE COVERS THEIR FUCKING MOUTH WHEN THEY COUGH IN SAN FRANCISCO, EVERY SURFACE IS STICKY, NO ONE WASHES THEIR FUCKING HANDS, PEOPLE DEADASS WILL WIPE THEIR NOSE THEN SHAKE HANDS WITH SOMEONE TWO SECONDS LATER......

Cool? I'm gonna quarantine. Yall aint gone hear from me. Fuck yall niggas, im drinking nothing but spring water and Lysol, until the plague finally kills the nasty ones, and then capitalism ends, since more people dying than the ones able to work.

I feel bad for nobody but the homeless, and the poor good hearted hygenic people caught in the crossfires; anyone else can choke on shit. (Is this offensive to say? I'm literally saying that people with bad souls and who refuse to care about if their germs reach other people are shitheads, anyone else is a good person who i genuinely hope will turn out okay.)

WHY IS THERE GONNA BE A PLAGUE? FUCK.

okay, anyway.

Good news:

My boss, (now ex-boss, since it was a temp job,) planned to get pedicures this weekend! I'm always open to new friendships! I've got no other choice but to socialize either way, since staring at walls or a phone screen? Is depressing! Getting dolled up with another cool human being? Hella nice! Can't wait to tell her all the shit that I avoided in order to prevent getting fired before!

I met a few good people online either way! One likes Junji Ito, another is actually my age and wants to grab a bite around the city. Feels good to have options. Plus to be honest, if anyone does end up romantic, then itll be dope having someone to spend V-Day with. (It doesnt have to be a capitalist holiday, i see it as a good holiday to simply soend time with someone.... Then again, i usually think, "FUCK, WHAT IS A GOOD DISPLAY OF MY AFFECTIONS?", and have a tendency to overwhelm people with surprises sometimes.... Its a cute holiday and an excuse to give my favorite people some candy or flowers, a 50 cent Honey Bun, or some 99 cent jewelry that i can pass off as more expensive than it actually was..... what's wrong with that? Its so cute as a concept.)

Actually having money again feels so gooood. I keep blowing money on food and ubers, but alas, apparently thats much better than starving and taking a bus thats riddled with piss. I got to buy some SEXY ASS body washes that make me smell good effortlessly... some SEXY ASS body highlighters and shimmer powders.... hella face masks and some facial wipes that instantly made my skin go from 0/10 to 10000/10. Like???? i wanna make out with myself. i also got some body scrubs, like.... yall..... oh my god yall dont even know--

I really am a great person, and that feels nice, man. :) both emotionally and physically! mainly physically, but i am healing from my past and slowly but definitely getting noticeable progress for my health in terms of emotions and stuff for now.

I feel good so far.

Plus, funny how i quite literally stumble into my friendships, very often. Its never being introduced to someone, its me deciding "hey fucker im dm sliding you at 2am, i love your memes and your hair, are you up?"

Or a "i just showed up to this party, checked out the location tag for the spot on instagram, and followed every motherfucker thats at the same party tonight. I definitely do not know you, but i mean, hey! Look at my memes, stories, and photos. See if theyre chill. Then dm slide me!"

Hell, even how I met Patrick #2 is unusual as fuck, the FULL story, including how i knew one of his mutual friends somehow.... buuuut, life isnt that simple bro.

....

Now that i think about it, how did i even meet this guy? I dont know how i found his account at all. I was even thinking "didnt I meet him through Audrey?", but.... i still dont think so?????? Somehow he knows one of my mutuals, idk????????????

But, i trust that he is not an FBI agent that had planned for years to finally get involved with my life, with a fake persona. (I havent done any crimes yet for him to need to do so, but i mean, a backstory like that would explain why he still wanted to be around me, even through shitty times before.... Extremely tolerant and patient dude. He would make a pretty good lawyer, if he ever learns how to raise his voice up some day.)

.....

Cute guy. A shame shit didnt work out. But i like reminiscing on the moments had between us.

Sadly our bad memories are sticking. Moreso the two separate nights that things got... complicated. He looked good on both of those nights. He's got a real nerdy look to him? Its oddly hot. I dunno how to explain why i find him attractive to people who like aggressive or rowdy dudes.

But he's just ridiculously pretty for a dude? Handsome men are okay, and easy to get over. But a PRETTY BOY? THAT IS SO HARD. Especially when they got the nice skin and the eyes and the nice red lips???? Shiny hair???? Mans is cute.

(This applies to more than one ex, tbh.)

The big difference between a pretty boy and a generically attractive man is that you can find a lot more generic men, but rarely any pretty boys.

Like how you can find a million Machine Gun Kellys or Modern Day Justin Biebers, on the side of traffic or stealing from gas stations, but whens the next time the world will see a young/old Johnny Depp? A Timothee Chalamet? A young Leonardo Dicaprio? A YOUNG Justin Bieber? (I would say "an age appropriate Finn Wolfhard," but idk if thats considered creepy or not.... but im saying in a completely non-predatory way.... dude is adorable, honestly.)

The difference between a generic man and a pretty boy, is that the pretty boy is a lot more unique. Since out of hoards of men with unwashed asses and shitty styles, the Pretty Boy is out here with half decent hygiene, (sometimes,) and looking effortlessly attractive? Like a whole fairytale character. Or like a Disney Prince Charming... or a Disney Princess. (Matty looked like he could've been a prince, nigga was GORGEOUS, i swear to fucking god.... GOD, wow.)

A normal man is eh. A pretty boy can snatch your soul and hand deliver it to hell in a ribbon tied handbasket.

And I've dated ridiculously pretty men. Adrian was a cross between "handsome" and "pretty", but he leaned towards pretty. Literally gorgeous. Z*ck #2 was so stunning, i loved their face dude. Patrick #1.... hes both, but he definitely had gorgeous eyes and skin, and trust me, he was one of the most amazing men to be with.

And Patrick #2 is a pretty boy. And, self-aware, too. He's told me before about how hes definitely had people interested in him, but not knowing how to approach them, or flirt back...

And when we had our first breakup, he got tons of matches, (since hes fine as fuck,) but most conversations died at a "How are you?", or "So, what are your interests?", and got unmatched pretty quickly.

...... Even though I was a little pleased he hadnt moved on, it was like.... "Damn, bro, im so sorry to hear that." (Even I had options.... Not great ones. But, even i got to see almost two people before....)

Patrick even told me on our most recent walk around the cemetery a few weeks back, that he saw himself as having the "face of Adonis"..... okay, hoe.

He was kidding, but its not like it was a lie even if he had been serious. Mans has a seriously nice face. Even on that day, at some point his glasses straight up crumbled, and having direct eye contact with those blue ass eyes was WAY too much. I think I went into a coughing fit? or something.

He's definitely someone I think I'm over, until that direct eye contact hits, then suddenly look at who starts blushing or trying to hide their face? Me, bitch. God. Nigga just HAD to have super light and bright blue eyes? The universe went "make this bitch suffer if she ever cant fuck him again".

And thus, i suffer.

But anyway.

He's a really pretty dude, with nice skin, teeth, eyes, lips, and hair. And a pretty dope nose, since I dig people who have big ass noses. And idk, i guess i dig the mildly grungey, yet still colorful, and lowkey thing he always had goin on.

Felt good meeting someone I had a lot in common with. :)

Sad to know that even on our worst nights, I still kinda had to not look at him. Since.... Yeah, I'd either cry, or instantly want to fuck. And if you're in the middle of explaining to your ex why you had felt betrayed, you gotta avoid saying, "Hey Patrick, do you want to fuck?" (That method doesnt work on EVERYONE, only the select few people with serious issues ive met.)

Whatever.

I just dislike that even on days where I felt absolutely disgusted by him, I could still go, "But, he's still really cute. Damn, look at HIM", and have my pussy throb if i looked at him for too long.

......

He's hot and he knows it. We stan a self aware king. But still, i gottaaaaa move on.

And nooooooot think about the specific smile or eyes he gave me before.

And nooooooot think about that time in the ki-

ALRIGHT BITCH THATS ENOUGH. My whole body feels overheated. I'm blaming it on my period. I'm gonna.... go to sleep soon. Peace out.

10:35pm, making friends and still constantly upgrading in life. Aaaaay. :)