#i've been living at home w like very minimal contact w other people the past couple months

[xmoonlitxdreamx]

long mood dump under the cut.

hey what up, I hate getting serious on the internet because idk I don’t really want to bother anyone or anything but I’ve been really frustrated about something dumb for forever and idk where else to talk about it. Idk how to start this but here we go.

I feel like I have an unusually difficult time actually getting invested in fandom stuff and fictional media in general, and tbh I feel super alone in this…???? I’ve watched/read/played/etc a lot of anime and games and stuff and most of it is ok, but there’s only a super super slim percentage of media I’ve consumed that I actually genuinely care about. Like, here’s probably the whole list of fiction I genuinely love (in no particular order):

*mp100 (probably the most recent thing to my “i like this” list) *gekkan shoujo nozaki kun *ping pong the animation *Koe no Katachi (I haven’t read this in a couple years but I think I still like it) *Doukyuusei/Sotsugyousei/O.B. *Endou-kun no Kansatsu Nikki *Yozora no sumikko de *Negative-kun to Positive-kun *most Ghibli stuff *Rave Master (mostly for nostalgia)

mmmyeah I think that’s it. Even within that list of stuff that I like, I feel like don’t get invested in fiction the same way other people do. Like... I don’t have any drive to do character analyses or have headcanons about the characters.... or think of those characters outside of actually reading/watching/etc the shows/etc they’re from? Even with characters that I think are super well-developed and interesting like Reigen (mp100) and Smile (ppta), I don’t really have any headcanons about who they are and what they do and what their future is like. 

I think the thing that kind of ties together all the things that I genuinely like and have made a lasting impression on me is that I can find something about the art or the approach to writing (?) that I like and want to use myself/find inspiring in some way. Like I love the characters in mob psycho 100, but I don’t think it’s specifically Mob or Reigen that I like as characters but that I respect how ONE (the creator) seems like he’s drawing characters he genuinely cares about and that he seems like he actually pulls from his own understanding of emotions when he makes his characters (which I personally find to be rare in anime/manga specifically). As another example, I love GSNK’s humor and I respect Izumi Tsubaki’s ability to consistently write this kind of whacky-fun-but-not-cruel humor because that’s the kind of humor I’d like to have when I do comics. But like… I don’t really care if any of the pairings become official and I don’t really have any strong headcanons about the characters even though I honest to god do like the characters a lot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I do have opinions and things I care about regarding the media I actually genuinely like, but it’s more that I’m interested in the technical approach to things rather than having headcanons about the characters and stuff. I’m not trying to downplay having headcanons and analyses on characters btw, I’m just saying that I honestly… don’t know how to develop those kinds of opinions… and have those kinds of conversations……….. like if you were to talk to me about Endou-kun, I’d probably want to talk about how I liked the mood in a particular scene or how the expressions were drawn in such and such panel rather than if I think Endou and Tsuda get married or break up or smth.

Aside from stuff the stuff that I super genuinely like (which is basically just that list above, I can’t think of anything else rn) there’s also just a lot of stuff I’ve watched/etc that I think is ok and enjoyable at the time, but isn’t really that notable…. for me………… Things like persona 5 and fire emblem are ok and fun to play, but there’s nothing in particular that I really respect about them and feel inspired (?) by. Tbh most of the stuff I’ve drawn fan art for probably falls under this category. Like, I’ve been drawing a lot of persona 5, but honestly as a game with as much dialogue as it had, I think the writing was a little lacking… that’s not a knock on the game or anything, that’s just something I felt about the story and especially the dialogue while playing the game that made it hard for me to connect with. But then I see people having like tons of headcanons and doing these analyses on the characters and plots, and… IDK! I totally don’t feel it. Like I get what people are saying when I read stuff like that, but I don’t like… feel it. I don’t know how to have those kinds of conversations or to even form those kinds of opinions about fiction. And since I don’t really have headcanons or AUs and things for fandom stuff, I feel like I have to fake it it when I do end up talking about fandom things with people. And even drawing fan art, I feel like I’m kind of faking it sometimes just so I can have some way of relating to people. I do like all of the characters/things I’ve drawn fan art for, but probably not nearly as much as other people in the fandom do. 

Basically, I feel like I just have trouble talking about fandom stuff in general, I don’t know how to form opinions on media or have discussions w people about media without feeling like I’m making stuff up and faking it 90% of the time.

Honestly the only thing I actually get genuinely invested in with headcanons/theories/analyses/aus and actively want to have conversations about are my OCs and stuff… but it sucks because obviously no one knows about my OCs like I do so it’s impossible to have the kinds of conversations about “headcanons” or “theories” since they’re just my OCs. And I’m specifically talking about wanting to talk about my OCs with people—I do like when people talk about their OCs because I can tell it’s something that a person can be passionate about (as I am myself), but it’s like the same with fandom stuff… I can’t really talk with or listen to people about their OCs without kind of faking my way through it. Like I think it’s normal not to care about other people’s OCs as much as your own, but I still feel like a jerk if someone’s passionately telling me about their OCs and I’m just not getting it the way they do… which makes talking about OCs with people just kinda uncomfortable for me.

Anyway I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m frustrated because to my understanding, one of the main ways for me to make friends and even meet people online is to be involved in fandom stuff and watch popular media. But idk, it sucks because I definitely am not enjoying it (or even comprehending it?) at the same level as other people so I just feel kinda stuck. I hate faking my way through stuff but I don’t know how to meet people or talk to people otherwise. And even then, even after consuming media (even stuff that I genuinely care about) it’s not like I can comfortably talk to people about fandom stuff because I don’t know how to have headcanons and opinions on characters and things unless they’re my OCs.

Idk I just wished it was easier to like things so I could have more people to talk to. Or that there was just more stuff out there that I liked. I feel like I’m just sitting around, consuming all this media that everyone else likes and says all kinds of stuff about, and I’m wanting to be able to talk about it too, but it’s just not…. clicking with me……………. and so I’m left with no way for me to genuinely talk to people about the media I’ve (now pointlessly?) consumed. I’ve known for forever that I’m stupidly picky about fiction but I’m tired of not being able to interact with people just because I literally can’t get invested in things the same way that other people do.

anyway that’s my extremely incoherent talk, hope y’all are doin fine. I feel kinda dumb getting serious over fictional media + socializing but this is something that seriously seriously frustrates me. It’s no one’s fault obviously, but I just feel left out for some reason. you don’t have to comment or try to say anything bc I’m not asking for pity or anything, but if you read this it’d be cool if you left a like or smth. You don’t have to, I just like to know.