#i've been drawing a lot of depressing things for my new workplace.

[sciderman]

the red

[tarithenurse]

A little update on my personal situation:

It's going better. Since mid August I've been in a dip which first started out with my usual depression symptoms but then the anxiety flared up too with a lot of selfdoubt and negative thoughts etc etc.

Why?

Oh, I know exactly what the trigger was: hubby got a new job (yay) that has him working in the other side of the country so I only see him weekends (boo). It's an amazing job for him with lovely colleagues, challenges, learning, etc (yay). But it means I'm alone from Monday to late Thursday (boo)...and I do not do alone well. Oh and then there are the weeks where he's off to other countries without coming home in the weekend.

The obvious answer would be to focus on my own work, pick some extra shifts or maybe go be social with people.

That's where the anxiety kicks in: stimuli (noises in particular) and people (apart from a very select few) has me breaking down. I can't work more than 30 hours a week and the day shifts I used to have are hell on earth where I either have to go home early or lock myself up somewhere.

Thankfully I have a good boss. She's helped me change my day shifts to night shifts where it's a lot calmer and quieter and I don't get triggered.

I've also gotten a sort of "special rule" from the public healthcare that means if I call in sick with my chronic illness (depression/anxiety) at least my workplace will be compensated somewhat from the first day sick instead of after two weeks - that means the anxiety about being away from work is less for me because it feels like I'm screwing over my job less.

And so I've spent the time with night shifts, finding a way to keep my marriage working with intermittend long distance, intensified my psychologist appointments and worked (am working) with my new psychiatrist to change and balance my medication.

What has that all led to?

My symptoms of depression are under control. My marriage works (although I miss him often and there always is the fear that he'll find someone better and closer than me (history of cheating by ex)).

But my anxiety is fucked up. It's better...but far from good enough. I can't handle public transportation. I can't handle parts of my family. I can't handle the few dayshifts I do have even if I'm not part of patient care but rather just go around filling up closets etc.

I've had my depression since 2005. The anxiety is fairly new (just a few years) and it's had a tendency to get more severe with each dip. And I don't know how to handle it - at this rate it'll put me out of work in a few years and that thought alone just makes it even worse because I can't have that happen. I don't WANT that to happen.

Okay....I have to stop thinking about that.

My new psychiatrist is good. He listens. I have amazing support from my husband who goes out of his way to call and write when he's gone. I have similarly great support from my mom and one of my sisters, particularly when I'm alone.

........and still it feels so hopeless. The only activity that brings me joy is D&D-related things. I can't write fanfics anymore. I can't draw. I can't go outside my door. I can't go for a cup of tea or dinner with friends. I can't even do grocery shopping. I just get so desperate, y'know?

But...it is BETTER than it was.

[b-courageous1010]

Day 5: Workplace, Mental Health, and Prioritizing Yourself  

Wellness in the workplace should be talked about more. With how fast pace things can get, it's easy to get off your routine, and your mental health can slip. I had my monthly session with my mentor, and it was surprising that we touched on mental health and how it should be discussed more. It's the elephant in the room, especially since COVID and the shift to remote working. Although everyone knows that corporate culture can be very unhealthy, we also know that the work needs to get done. Realizing this is what pushed me to take my mental health seriously.

In my last position, I suffered from burnout and promised never to let it happen again. To prevent it, I need to find ways to stay grounded at work and in my personal life. It's essential that I set boundaries and limit my work hours. 

I do this by taking my lunch break daily unless I have something urgent. Taking that hour lets me catch my breath in a sense.    

I log in at 8 and am finished by 5, especially when working from home.   

On the weekends, I avoid opening my laptop so I don't get sucked into work. Instead, I keep track of important dates in my planner.  

I also neglected my personal life in my last position because I was also in school. Since that's no longer an issue, I've been focusing on myself and doing a lot of inner work. I learned that not prioritizing my personal life was affecting my professional life. Such as:   

Not working on my anxiety made me paranoid that I would make a costly mistake that overtook my entire being, and I would be so hard on myself.    

Not checking my depression caused my lack of self-confidence to ooze from my pores, and people could see it a mile away.    

Neglecting my spirituality and not being present in my own life.   

At one point, I reached a breaking point and finally asked for help. Since then, I've taken the advice of giving myself grace and taking time to relax. My focus has been improving my mental health to achieve my full potential.   

I started a journalling routine to reflect on my experiences and think through any issues.  

I introduced yoga as a form of meditation to keep me grounded and present. 

Each morning, I read an entry from a meditation book that helps me confront my codependency.  

I'm working on my inner self and confronting the parts I used to run away from.  

I've realized that it is okay to make mistakes and that growth is more important than perfection. As a result, I'm allowing myself to feel confident and happy in my abilities.   

Since making myself a priority and working on my inner self, I experienced a significant improvement in a short period, Situations that used to overwhelm me no longer affect me. I have gained control over my anxiety and improved my confidence. 

Completing assignments is easier 

I am confident in building relationships with my coworkers   

I can step out of my comfort zone and communicate through emails with ease 

I have also established a routine I can stick to at work and in my personal life.  

While I am still determining where I aspire to be, I am light-years away from where I started. During the conversation with my mentor, we discussed the importance of pursuing interests outside of work. She shared how she spent 3 hours drawing out plans for her backyard renovation project and how fulfilling it was to create something with her hands. This inspired me to think about how I can bring more sweetness into my life. I am considering the following activities: 

Enrolling in an acro yoga class  

Learning a new instrument or reviving my old skills.  

Spending more time in nature and capturing moments through photography  

Reconnecting with spiritual practices, I may have drifted away from. 

I'm grateful for the desire to improve and the willingness to never give up. I plan on having a long career in corporate, and while prioritizing my mental health is half the battle, I know I can handle whatever comes my way.  

Music Challenge Day 5: A song by an artist you’ve love for awhile.

Mine: I love me some Jon B 💜💜

My Aunt: She absolutely loves her and as it turns out we are both huge Tamia fans 🤗