#i've been at this new job since october and i don't have any new office friends because reasons

[shessoft]

i really get nervous that guys might think i like them because i'm just nice and then i also get nervous women think i'm flirting but i'm just awkward and gay and like are you gay? because you're reading as queer and i'm just asking for friendship reasons

[fobnsfwdoodlesbackup]

Hi y'all, I just wanted to talk a little about the behind the scenes of what I've been up to, to give y'all a little transparency and to open myself up for any tips or input! 🙏 Thank you for your continued support and for taking the time to look at my art 🫶

First and foremost I wanted to give some transparency about my art capacity.

As og followers may remember, I started this blog when I was doing art full time. Eventually my living expenses grew and I had to go back to work. I find myself in a cycle of "I'll make more art soon, once I get a job!" And "I'll make more art soon, once I am done with this job!" I lost my most recent job suddenly, having had an extension waved over my head until the last day(October 7th). Now I'm excited to have more time for art, but I am also feeling a rush to get a new job ASAP as I've been living paycheck to paycheck. I dream of doing this work full time, I'm just scared it's not quite there yet and I worry that I come off as scammy or dishonest when I anticipate more stability around the corner.

Second, I've been struggling with the Patreon. It's taken me a while to come to terms with this, but from what I've seen Patreon is not intuitive at all from the creator end. It doesn't do a good job of organizing addresses, emails, showing who or who isn't subscribed to me, or organizing and displaying the work I put on there. I've been really shocked by this experience, since lots of big names use Patreon. It's been a great way to streamline support, but it's been unhelpful in every other regard. I would like to continue using it, but I will most likely post more wips or process videos there in the future.

Which brings me to my third point, zines. I love making zines so much, it feels personal and fulfilling and fun! However the Patreon issues make it harder to keep information in order about where to send zines, or even where to message folks about them. In addition to this, the post office has been a big barrier to me, oftentimes only being open at the same time as my dayjob. Making zines can take days, then sending them out is a whole other monster.

This work is so important to me. Drawing peoples fantasies, representing body types, creating work around sexuality and the human experience feels like what I'm meant to do. I've made comics since I was a kid. This is the dream to me. The friends I've been able to make through this work are so important to me, and the conversations have been invaluable. Not to mention fun! I wanna doodle, I wanna draw hot stuff, I wanna thirst over these dudes! I want to play!

But I also just want to be transparent about the barriers I'm working around to share that experience. I'm completely self taught, both in art AND in running shops, building websites, running 8 accounts, etc. I take a lot of time to learn the logistics of these things, and try to make them make sense for my relationship with y'all (I do not want to paywall my art!! I don't want to!!!). This year my desktop broke down (the main one I use for all paintings and digital art). I've paused my Etsy shops and my Patreon to try to catch up with things. Trying to learn to paint in a completely different program. Then lost my job with no savings.

At the end of the day I don't want anything to come between me sharing my art with you. I wish I could doodle a thing, take a picture, and post it here. No third party site, no shop, no subscription. Just sharing my art with you. I promise I'm trying to figure out how to stay as close to that as possible, and I want to thank y'all for sticking with me as I untangle all of that.

So, what can you expect in the near future?

I'm working on a couple of painting commissions right now, which you should be able to see in the next couple of days! I want to catch up on kinktober and get those posted as well. There's a comic commission in progress which I'm very eager to work on, and which I think y'all will be excited for! To ease the weight of the Patreon I think I may do less zines/polls there and more wips and process videos! If possible, I want to do more full colored work too.

Thank you again for enjoying my work, and if you have any input or tips my inbox is always open 🙏🫶💕

[i-am-vita]

Someone Looking for You (pt. 1)

👉 Previously: Someone Who Loves You

Bogard x Ghost Rose Oc (afabReader)

+2,000 words

👉 My Masterlist, Oc Ghost Rose Masterlist, Scruffy Bogard Inspiration, Bogard's Sexy Spy Wife Headcanons

Sorry I haven't been as active as before in the fandom. Got a new job and a flu barely two weeks in, started some character design classes, went to a Dia de Muertos weekend to Michoacan (to foreigners, the place where Pixar went to look at for Coco) and came back with a stomach infection... I swear I've been back a officing for a month and a half and already went to the doctor three times.

But more importantly, I reached 100 followers in October and didn't realized!!!

I noticed I had some new followers here and there but never thought to look up the numbers. Thank you so much, people, for choosing me, even with my inconsistency. Have the first part of Some Who Loves You next chapter as a little treat. I've had it started for a while but unsure of how to proceed. Maybe some peer presure helps.

Moots and interested people I remember: @fanaticsnail @jintaka-hane @cinnbar-bun @gingernut1314 (look how swiftly I play around that new Tumblr rule of not letting you tag more than five people in a row) @writingmysanity @feral-artistry @indydonuts @since-im-already-here

Summary: After your night together weeks ago, Bogard is set to find you and uncover the mystery of your identity. Could you really be the love he thought lost all those years ago? Warnings: Scruffy Bogard. Swearing. Hidden identity. Regular canon violence. Expect: They Have History. Lovers to Strangers to Lovers. Use of You, not Y/N. Change of pov. FemOcReader, fem pronouns. Probably better English, but don't hold your breath. I've been subjected to testing crappy Visual Novels for a month and a half. My time tenses may be worst than ever.

.

His footsteps were hardly the only noise in the lively nightlife of this island.

Cantinas and dance clubs filled the main street with music and laughter. Their patrons too busy to pay attention to the solitary scruffy man in the brown overcoat wandering the night, aiming his time.

Any other time, Bogard would be eager to be back in his room for the night, get rid of these street clothes, shave the scruff off of his face and report back to his superiors after a good night of sleep.

It hadn’t been like any other time since that night.

The night he was ailed by that damn cheap interrogation serum. When you stayed to nurse him and, eventually, helped him bear the side effects with your body. Only to wake up the next day alone with a small note of yours. The calligraphy style too similar to that of the notes from his lost love he still kept. Read and reread so many times over the years he could recognize the lines and letters like the palm of his hand.

Hope flooded his heart.

That dreadful emotion had been crushed years ago when he accepted his one and only love was lost to him forever. Bogard had buried himself in work, focused only in his career at the marine and serving along Garp. His leisure time was occupied in activities to engage in logic rather than indulge his feelings.

If a need arose, he took care of it with promptness and no attachment. And if his eye catched a likeness to the one he had lost… then maybe he could indulge himself after all.

Until he had entered that bar one night and you were there.

The alluring new guard of The Contact.

How had he wished for you to turn around and let him see your face. To be just a regular man getting in a bar, free to revel in the company of a beautiful stranger, instead of an undercover marine agent meeting with one of the most notorious intel dealers in the Grand Line.

By some chance, his wish was granted and his properly ordered life was shattered.

He had gone to a graphologist to analyze the written notes and see if it was possible to be from the same person. The expert told him that, despite the similarities in the calligraphy style, there were details that suggested they still could have been written by different people. The inclination of letters, some twirls here and there.

That specific style was popular years ago among the young women of society. It only proved that both women had similar upbringing and were taught by private tutors during the same period of time.

To the expert it wasn’t much, but to Bogard it was everything. Because to him it couldn’t be a coincidence. Not after that night and how you were with him.

Oh, he had come to question his sanity over the last weeks.

Wondering if he was just so desperate for sincere affection and connection that he was projecting his longing for his lost love in an unsuspecting woman who happened to show him more kindness than he was used to from a one time lover.

Both you and her memory deserved better than that.

He thought he would see you again soon and confirm or deny his suspicions. Bogard didn’t know which he preferred.

The next reunion with The Contact came and he couldn’t find a trace of you after the meeting.

While he and your boss discussed and exchanged intel about the group trafficking with those serums that were after them the last time and how to take them out, his eyes kept returning to your figure standing guard at the bar. Long hair falling down your back, a dark dress encasing your seductive figure, your face turned away from his insisting gaze…

After the meeting, he stood from his seat and looked over for the last time, but you weren’t there anymore.

He didn’t know what he was expecting. For you to leave your spot and run into his arms?

Another meeting came next week.

Bogard arrived some minutes earlier and he could swear he saw a feminine figure slipping away into the darkest shadows of the bar, where he didn’t have a good sight.

You were avoiding him.

Damn it.

That night, Bogard had been reluctant for you to stay to aid him with the side effects of the serum, but you had and offered the comfort of your body. He knew he had lost control at some point, too gone in the aphrodisiac’s effects.

Had he done something to hurt you or offend you after all?

Were you mad at him? Did you regret that night?

What was he supposed to do now? Ask the Phantom Captain for an introduction like he was a suitor looking to court you?

If he had actually known his interlocutor, Bogard may have realized that’s what your boss was half expecting for you two to do since the first moment he caught the longing gazes. Your reluctance to speak of your feelings was getting on everybody's nerves.

Something had to be done about you two before the careful plan the Phantom Captain and Garp had been brewing for months was ruined.

Bogard was so deep in thought walking back to his safe room after that second meeting it took him several minutes to realize he was being followed until his assailants were almost on him.

Just regular thugs with no training or special abilities.

The five men ambushed him, two of them aiming to immobilize him. Bogard had those unconscious on the floor in a few seconds.The other three were tricky, but he had one’s arm in a lock with a hand before the other two could react.

All of a sudden, both assailants fell to the floor, holding their knees and screaming in pain. Sharp blades pierced their joints and then flew back towards a dark alley.

Bogard threw the man he was holding to the floor and ran to the alley finding nothing, but a sweet flowery and fruity fragrance in the air.

Were you following him on your own volition or your boss’ orders?

Did you care for the intel he had to deliver or himself?

He needed to get to you and third was the charm.

Tonight, all his enhanced senses were keen on the presence following him in the street. It took all his will to not turn around to try to find you among the crowd of night goers.

He had to time it just right.

Tonight, you will be in his arms again.

.

You just wanted to make sure he was safe.

Those smugglers were still on the run and some had seen him. Even if they didn’t know Bogard’s real identity, he may have become a target. They may still have some of that interrogation serum. Even after you and your crew managed to track them that night and take down their lair with most of their supply.

You had asked your crewmate Meg, an expert perfumer and chemistry, more about those cheap serums and it had left you livid. If you hadn't been there to… treat Bogard’s ailment, it would have been much worse to him. He could have hurt himself; wander outside, lost in the pain and frenzy, and hurt someone else.

It was a matter of the common good.

Vice Admiral Garp had the means and connections to guide Marine resources to take down those smugglers. Bogard was their main contact with Garp. He needed to be protected.

That was all.

The fact he was the man you had loved and almost married in your youth was minor. You had burned that bridge when you decided to put his well being over yours and ran away from your engagement.

He was about to reject a most excellent promotion to stay with you, not knowing that his promising career was the only reason your family had allowed your relationship. Your brown-noser of a stepfather would lose his opportunity of having a well connected son in law.

You were ready to postpone your engagement with Bogard until he was better established in his career, and you still wanted to go to university. There was no need to rush and lose opportunities when you had the rest of your lives to be together. Until you discovered your stepfather scheming to get rid of your beloved and marry you off to some marine Captain that best suited his ambitions.

Accidents happened and even the most promising young officers could fall in the line of duty and nobody would be the wiser.

At 18 years old, with a mother that would agree it was better for you to just call off your engagement and go with your stepfather’s plan of finding you a better suitor, and no other adult close or well-off enough to ask for help, you couldn’t find a better solution than to run from home.

You broke his heart.

You knew you had to.

You were cruel in your break up, publicly enough so your family were sure you hadn’t run away together when he accepted his commission overseas. You also had to be sure Bogard wouldn’t look for you when he came back and you weren’t there anymore.

The heartbreak had been agonizing, but it had to be done. No matter how misguided your actions were, you wouldn’t tolerate being a puppet of your family and any harm coming to the young man you loved.

No matter the pain, both of you would be fine and thrive on your own.

It had to be enough.

Or it had been until Bogard had walked in that bar and you discovered it was him and Vice Admiral Garp whom your captain had been intel dealing with this whole time.

And now all the operation could be at stage because you couldn’t stop thinking about that night.

Been able to be near him again.

Talk to him, touch him, nurse him. And then more…

You had hidden from his sight every meeting since then. Fearing to be unable to hide your real feelings. To run into his arms and uncover yourself.

But your feelings were not important.

His safety was.

That’s why you had followed him every night after, assisted him when he was attacked, and ensured he arrived safely to his destination before you went back to your crew’s safehouse.

That’s why you were here this night, following him through the night crowd…

Bogard stopped abruptly in his walk, looking intently at some point ahead of him and then walked to an adjacent street.

Well, fuck.

Who had he spotted that had made him change his route like that?

You ran to the crosswalk while surveying the street, but nobody else seemed to be on his chase. The sight of his brown overcoat turning a corner ahead indicated you of his path. Your own black long coat fluttered in the air as you ran to keep up with your pursuit of him.

As you turned the corner you found yourself running right into a tight embrace. Momentum spun you in half a circle while strong arms surrounded your smaller form and brought you against a firm torso. A swift hand halted yours from reaching to your knives’ pouch tied to your thigh.

“Forgive me. I know I deserve it, but I would rather not be stabbed tonight,” Bogard murmured in your ear, sending shivers down your back.

“Rick…” you sigh his name unconsciously, completely taken by surprise.

“You’re very hard to catch.” His grip on you relaxed, but his arm remained around your waist, anchoring you to him and warmth of his body.

His hand raised yours to deposit a soft kiss on your palm.

“To catch… Did you set me up?!”

"I needed to see you."

"You had seen me."

"You know what I mean." A gasp escaped your lips at the intensity of his gaze.

It took you several seconds to realize you weren’t wearing your lace mask and Bogard was able to see your full face. Even with the illusion over your real facial features and skin tone, you felt almost naked under the scrutiny of his eyes.

Oh, no, what had you let yourself fall into?

.

.

.

[elskamo]

More Shitty Life Updates

TLDR for those who wanna know but don't wanna read the whole thing: Mum forced me to reveal trauma that I wasn't ready to share, followed by getting Sciatica then being made redundant the next day. In pain, need money, you know where this is going.

The whole thing: I've been struggling a bit (okay, a lot) more than usual over the past week or so, yet again I've had quite a few negative life events one after the other. I am in the process of getting help for everything happening right now, I'm doing all I can to take care of both my mental and physical health.

Last Monday Mum realised my mental health has been getting worse again and refused to leave me alone until I told her what was going on. She kept badgering me for information and making up random accusations about what could have happened. She also kept sneaking into my old bedroom and looking through my belongings to try and find... fuck knows what honestly.

I've recently started delving into a past trauma with my counsellor that I'm not ready to share yet with anyone, let alone my mum, I will not be elaborating on it any further than this. Eventually it got to the point where I was forced to tell her, she cycled between being disgusted, accusing me of making things up, getting mad at me, and attempting to be supportive for a couple days. Frankly I feel violated as hell and it made my mental health nosedive even further.

By Wednesday morning I suddenly started getting shooting pains from my lower back going all the way down my right leg. It got to the point where I collapsed from the pain and had to be sent home from the office early. It took hours getting bounced back and forth between 111, the GP surgery, and out of hours care. Eventually they diagnosed me with Sciatica and managed to arrange for me to pick up some prescription painkillers the next day. The pain is nowhere near as bad as it was last week but I'm struggling to walk because of it and I haven't been outside in days.

The nail in the coffin came on Thursday morning when one of my bosses called to check up on me. He let me know that at the start of the week three of the staff had a meeting where they agreed that when my probation period finished at the end of October they were gonna let me go because they've decided my position at the company isn't what they need right now. Since I had to go off sick from the Sciatica they said they'd instead just make me redundant now.

It really came out of the blue, especially as I've been uncovering a lot of marketing, commerce, and general technical issues since I've been employed there and there's definitely no shortage of work for me to do. My mum is convinced they're lying and don't want me because of my health issues but there's no way of proving that. It does mean that I'm unemployed again and need to go through a few meetings with Universal Credit who will want me to get a new job ASAP regardless of my health.

So yeah, right now I feel like garbage. I've got help from one of my friends to sort out the UC stuff, particularly with proving my health issues. I'm still waiting to find out what I'm getting paid for work this month, since the phone call last Thursday no one has reached out to me to discuss pay or handing over tasks or logins. When the Sciatica isn't affecting my mobility anymore I'll be able to start reaching out to my contacts again and get help with job hunting and networking.

As usual all this means I'll probably be cycling between being ghostly silent or desperately looking for comfort content. Hopefully it's not gonna take another half a year to find a new job but if anyone is able to please donate on Ko-Fi or buy something off Redbubble or Ebay (the latter is UK only right now). Etsy is still pretty barren as things got kinda manic while I was setting it up but it should be properly up and running soon now I have a lot of time to spare again. I feel crappy to have to keep doing this but please do help if you're able to!

[arqueete]

2022 New Year's Meme

Every year I do this survey that went around Livejournal in the 2010s. Anyone is welcome to do the survey!

1. What did you do in 2022 that you’d never done before?

I got married! I had a wedding and a honeymoon (my first time visiting Montreal)!

I visited Columbus, OH for the first time (and second time) to visit the office of my new job.

I played pinball machines for I think the first time? At least the first time in my adult life.

I went to local science museum Discovery World for the first time (as far as I remember) as well.

Some food I cooked for the first time: cream puffs, fondue, ice cream, chicken paprikash, baozi.

Finally went to local summer concert series Jazz in the Park.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?

My resolutions for 2022 were to be more physically active (and try a fitness challenge), and to keep up with learning Italian. I bought rollerblades and did a little rollerblading (though not as much as I would've liked), I feel like I did start walking places a lot more in the summer, and I was doing a calisthenics routine for a while there, so I did at least make an attempt at being more physically active. I haven't been working on Italian as much as I'd hoped either, but I did take a six week Italian class in the spring and that was really helpful!

In 2023, I have a few resolutions:

I have a membership at a pottery studio but I don't actually use it very often. Next year I'd like to make more of a routine out of going and have something in progress at all times.

I want to make more of a habit of finding ways to use up leftover ingredients and throw away less food.

I mostly get around via the free streetcar and my car--I haven't ridden on a local city bus since before the pandemic started. I'd like to ride the bus a little more in 2023.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? A friend of mine had a baby girl earlier in the year! 4. Did anyone close to you die? Fortunately no.

5. What countries did you visit? I visited Canada for the second time, this time to stay in Montreal. I really enjoyed it there--the French was a little challenging at times but rewarding and interesting other times, the historic neighborhoods were fun to explore, I appreciated the public transit options, and I generally was very charmed by this city! I'd love to see it again someday. 6. What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022? Last year I said I wanted to find a job that I would enjoy and where I felt I could stay for a while--I'm really happy to say I did start a new job this year where I feel supported and enjoy spending time with my smart and fun coworkers.

In 2023, I'd like to have closer relationships to people who live nearby. It seems like we keep on putting off inviting people over (or out). I want to take the initiative more to see people and maintain connections. 7. What date from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? October 16, 2022 was the day I got married! 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I do think it has to be planning the wedding. I've definitely never organized any event of that size and boy was it a lot of work. 9. What was your biggest failure? I don't want to be overdramatic about it but it was a bummer that I worked hard on an entry to the state fair knitting competition this year and I was really proud of what I made, but I didn't place. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I had my first ever root canal this year for a cracked tooth. I also developed chronic hives, which is ongoing and I'll be seeing an allergist about it in January.

11. What was the best thing you bought? A lot of the best things I acquired this year were gifts (like my ice cream maker) but I think it was sometime this year that I bought this nice water bottle from Target, and I was never really a water bottle person before but I am now. 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My friend @prosopopeya changed careers!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The supreme court. 14. Where did most of your money go? It's always rent. Aside from that, wedding/honeymoon expenses and groceries. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Besides my wedding (which was sometimes as nerve-wracking as it was exciting) I got really, really, really excited when I stumbled upon the Phantom of the Opera pinball machine!!! 16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2022? Earlier in the year I got really into the Glass Animals album Dreamland (and I saw them live this year! My diving in to the album mostly came after the concert.) At the end of the year I really enjoyed the new Death Cab for Cutie album Asphalt Meadows. It was already my all-time favorite love song but our first dance at our wedding was to "Passenger Seat" by Death Cab for Cutie.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. Happier or sadder? Happier. ii. Older or wiser? Wiser. iii. Thinner or fatter? Thinner. iv. Richer or poorer? Richer. 18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish I had seen more theater. I already have tickets to a couple shows for next year so hopefully I can turn this around. 19. What do you wish you’d done less of? I need to stop going to the grocery store so often. The pandemic had forced me to plan meals and make infrequent shopping trips and work with what I had on hand and this year I threw all of that out the window and I am constantly at the store. 20. How will you be spending Christmas? We were really relieved that we got to have a "real" Christmas this year after Covid kept us at home the past two years. We went to my parents' house on Christmas Eve, then we hosted my in-laws at our apartment Christmas morning, and then had Christmas dinner out near Madison, WI with my husbands' extended family.

21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? We plan on having a charcuterie dinner at home and then we have tickets to a speakeasy-themed event at a local bar. On New Year's Day we will maintain our tradition of attending the 36th Annual Cool Fool Kite and Ice Festival and flying our octopus kite, Squeaky Jr.

22. Did you fall in love in 2022? I'm still in love with my new husband! 23. How many one-night stands? None.

24. What was your favorite TV program? I loved What We Do In the Shadows and Derry Girls.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I've never liked Elon Musk but boy am I tired of hearing about him causing chaos this year. 26. What was the best book you read? I'm really proud of how much I read this year! I usually read only a few books a year but I read at least a dozen books in the last half of the year alone.

But when it comes to the best book I read... I think it has to be Dracula. I participated in Dracula Daily, an email mailing list that sends you excerpts from Dracula on the day the book says they occur, and experienced the entire book that way along with a bunch of other people on the internet.

The experience was so unique and interesting--to really get a sense of the passage of time in the story (it begins in May and ends in November), to often only get a little bit at a time which helped me appreciate little details and maybe made the more boring and long-winded bits more tolerable (I know @hrello has been suffering through this on his solo read), and to read along with lots of other people and share jokes and bits of historical context with each other. And of course the story itself, which feels actually kind of novel and refreshing after seeing vampires remixed so often in pop culture--generally, myself and people on Tumblr really rallied around the human characters in the book more than the vampires. Dracula is a novel about the power of friendship! 27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Bon Iver's Justin Vernon started a monthly radio show called Song Chest Radio Hour, and in one I listened to (maybe I should listen to more in 2023!) he said something like, "If you've never heard of The Roches you're in for a treat," and played their song "Hammond Song." He was right, it really is a treat.

28. What did you want and get? Last year we bought a stand mixer and ever since I have dreamed of the stand mixer ice cream maker attachment. This year I got it as a wedding gift and it is all I ever dreamed of--I've made several different cereal-flavored ice creams and I want to experiment more.

29. What did you want and not get? Dying waiting to see our wedding photos. The photographer still has a few weeks left, contractually, to deliver them to us so there's nothing to be annoyed about yet but we were really hoping to at least get them by Christmas. This is past the time he mentioned it usually takes him to deliver so we can't help but worry about it. (What if he sent them weeks ago and we didn't get them for some reason?) I have some cute frames waiting for photos! 30. What was your favorite film of this year? Everything Everywhere All at Once blew me away--it made me feel so much and reminded me of what makes movies great and special as an art form.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 32 this year (which hasn't really sunk in yet) and our original plan was to go to the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago, which I'd still like to do, but it was the Saturday after Thanksgiving and we just weren't up for it. Instead, we got breakfast at a local waffle place, went to the Public Museum to see the Streets of Old Milwaukee decorated for Christmas, had lunch and freaked out over a water leak in our apartment that required an emergency maintenance call, and then went to Discovery World. I had the Milk Bar malted chocolate cake made for me by my husband as a birthday cake.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If we hadn't had so much drama around Thanksgiving and my family canceling and then my husband's family canceling. Those big family holidays feel extra precious since the pandemic started. 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2022? I started working for a company that sells clothes, which does do something to a person. I feel like I approached 2022 with an open mind about my personal style, challenging some ideas about what is "me." I wore a couple dresses with low necklines. I bought an animal print sweater. I bought a cropped sweatshirt. At the same time, I embraced feeling comfortable and felt like I learned more about how to look sexy or confident or put together in a relaxed way. 34. What kept you sane? Reading. I tried to use reading to replace some of my social media usage this year so that scrolling through feeds isn't like, my default state of being. I read a lot of books and also got a few magazine subscriptions so there's always things around to read without looking at screens. 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I enjoy the cast of What We Do In the Shadows. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? The mid-terms were this year and fuck Ron Johnson but the big one for me was the overturning of Roe v Wade. 37. Who did you miss? With the whole Darren Criss in Chess thing this year, and showing my husband Spring Awakening for the first time, I really wished Jaymee were around so I could tell her about it. 38. Who was the best new person you met? My new coworkers! There are some people at my new job that I really get along with and I'm so grateful. 39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022: I think weddings can be a good exercise in having reasonable expectations for what you will get out of your relationship with different members of your extended family. There can be this feeling, especially with all the tradition that is attached to a life event like that, that surely everyone will show reverence to this important moment even if they don't have a history of showing up for you in that way and... you know better, right? And I don't mean that in a bitter way but with a sense of peace.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

You've had too much of the digital love You want everything live, you want things you can touch Make it feel like a movie you saw in your youth Make it feel like that song that just unopened you

Glass Animals - "Dreamland"

[a-simple-spiders-oc-dump]

hi!!! so. it's been. a bit, lmao.

in the time since I last posted here, I got a new job, and I've been trying to figure out how to be creative when I no longer have a creative job, because I've felt a little aimless ever since taking up office work. issue is, I don't really have the energy atm for any big grandiose projects, and when I try to work on one, I just end up getting discouraged with myself. that's no fucking good, obviously!!! so, I'm back!! not sure for how long, but I'm gonna do it until I can get back to writing consistently again, at least.

speaking of writing!!! Universe 1's canon is different now lol. it started out as an experiment/AU of my own work, but I liked the concept so much I've restructured the whole story. the characters are largely the same!! biggest differences are:

Sinclair has been promoted to Protagonist #2, removing their original ties to Mikayla and putting a heavier focus on their backstory rather than That Whole Mess. this is largely because there was just WAY too much going on in the plot for a single protagonist to reasonably handle without snapping like a twig, so I guess you could consider this a balancing change, lmao

Mentors have been split between the two protags (because GEE LYDIA, HOW COME MOM LET YOU HAVE THREE MENTORS? lmao) - Cynthia for Lydia, Gamma for Sinclair, and Dylan for both because mentoring is basically his thing

Dawn (a character I don't even think made it into the character roster because I had barely fleshed her out at all before) has a lot more importance to the overall plot

I've also made some verrrrrrrry minor tweaks to the other characters, but nothing so substantial that their bios need to change or anything, it's more tweaks in the way I write them since I found I was writing a lot of them a little too similarly and wasn't putting enough focus on their unique quirks.

with those patch notes out of the way, I'm gonna start updating the info page for Universe 1 AND finally get Universe 2's shit worked out!! tho I think I might work on an oc-tober thing instead for this month, so don't expect those info pages to be done right away, lol. still not sure!! we ARE almost five days into October already, after all!! but no matter what, new shit's gonna be happening here.

so, yeah! update over! hope y'all enjoy the stuff I'm cooking up!!

[hotspringfairy]

Lately I've felt like giving up, giving in, and just letting myself gain back all the weight I've lost. It doesn't feel worth the effort.

So this is part of a series of posts to motivate myself to keep going! Each post I'll go over one way my life has improved since I've lost weight. I maintained a 50lb loss for 1 year, and then gained 10-15 pounds since moving in October. I'm focusing on losing those pounds, and then another 50 (from 250lbs- 150lbs).

Improvement #8: chairs

This one is surprisingly important to me. I can sit in any chair out in the wild now.

At 250 lbs. I met the first chair my butt was too big for. It seemed like a normal chair, just sitting there in the waiting room. But when I casually attempted to sit down in it, my hips and butt got caught on the big fluffy arms and I had to abort mission. Even though no one else was around, I was mortified. Horrifically embarrassed that I was too big to sit in that chair. There were several other chairs, but they were all the same. I stood there shamefully.

I never, not even once more, even tried to sit in a chair that looked too small. Just knew I couldn't use them. Now, even though I fit in those chairs, every single time I see one that I wouldn't have fit in before, little alarm bells go off in my head. And every time it feels good that I can reassure myself that it's ok now and I can sit.

My office chair still has a broken arm. Idk if it was intentional or not, but when I first started my new job they gave me a desk chair with a broken arm that over-extends- it was the only reason I could fit in that chair. An unspoken accommodation.

But now after losing the weight I have, I can sit in any unbroken office chair. Plastic lawn chairs no longer daunt me. I happily sit in the armed barstools my girl friend got for her new kitchen (they definitely set off the alarm bells) where we spend a lot of time. Did you know most camping chairs have a weight limit under 200 lbs? I spent extra to get a heavy duty one so I didn't have to worry (this ended up being a good investment cuz it's a great chair lol but still). And waiting room chairs. Sometimes I just sit in those stupid fluffy-armed waiting room chairs because I can.

One recent one that I was super happy about: I barely fit in the tiny, old, closed-in theater seat at Cirque du Soleil "O" during my Las Vegas trip. I was so pumped to see that show. It was a tight fit- I couldn't help but imagine how awful it would have been 50 lbs ago- I genuinely believe I would not have fit. Idk what I would have done besides be crushed and humiliated. But I did fit! And a very skinny young lady sat next to me and I think we were quite comfortable and I LOVED the show!

My weight could have robbed me of an incredibly memorable experience, but it didn't thanks to my own hard work! I'm often discouraged that I haven't lost as much weight as I'd like, but the weight I have lost has still made a difference!

I'm surprised how close to the heart this one hits. I'm honestly happy to stand, it's not about getting to sit. There's just something about literally not fitting into spaces in public. Like I don't belong. Like I'm less than human.

I'm never buying chairs like that.

[toopunktofuck]

I'm starting a new post because the last one got entirely too long.

I lost my unemployment in October because I turned down a job for valid reasons according to the department of labor in my state (traveling would have eaten up my entire paycheck making taking the job pointless) but it was almost a month before I called the unemployment office like "hey what the fuck?", and they had NOT even been alerted that my case needed human verification even though I had been locked out of my account for a month at that point. When I called them last week they told me I cannot call to complain about it until December 14 and hung up???? because that's a month from when I called to report my case was out of sequence. And based on what's been going on with my case already, they are NOT going to fix it before then, meaning there's still 2 more weeks before I can find out if there will even be any progress.

If I've received anything in the mail from unemployment I might not have gotten it, ive had trouble receiving mail because my landlord, in one of his many attempts to intimidate me, reassigned my mailbox and I had to call the post office. a lot of mail I have received since then has stickers saying "could not deliver"

I've been applying for jobs, but I was a kennel technician before the pandemic, meaning my industry is very well dead, and I don't know how to drive and can't exactly try to learn right now, and public transport services are cut, so I've been having a hard time finding jobs within a reasonable distance to take a ride share that will even reply to me. I'm also high risk of covid complications due to having pleural scarring from a house fire I survived in 2016.

My cat also has a history of UTI and is acting sick with that again, only a MONTH after I took her to the vet for another UTI, but I will call my vet to ask about some sort of payment plan if she continues acting ill.

I'm exhausted, terrified all the time, on high alert and already dealing with processing a lot of trauma I went through before this year. I still need help to make it through the next two weeks.

Whatever I need to do, at this point I am fucking desperate, terrified, and completely mentally drained.

paypal: sacummings10@gmail.com

[myivfjourney]

Naps? Yes please!!

9/3/20

Ok, so it's been a few days since I've written - alot has happened!

Quick update to my last few lines in my prior post.

I got the "go ahead" from the doctor to begin stims..the TSH of 3.5 doesn't seem to be a current concern.

My husband got the job and signed his offer today ! Yay!

My meds didn't come on the Thursday like expected inspite being in the phone for 2 hours dealing with it. They came Friday after further investment of time.

Anyways...

Backtracking to last week of August...

I finished the last birth control pill August 24 and was so ready to move to the next step. I had so much back and forth phone calls with the specialty pharmacy that my meds came the Friday. I day before I needed to start them although my doctor and I confirmed the orders weeks prior. I was so upset. Had I not called to verify a few days prior it would have not made it in time. Always very people.

Anyways we begun stims on Saturday August 29th. My husband and I rewatched the videos to be sure we were "doing it right" ...we made it out the first night alive. Menopur stings ladies! But the good news is it does go away after like 1 minute.

I'm on day 6 of Stims right now and all I want to do these past few days is nap.

The stims have gifted me a small lingering headache and complete tiredness. YAY!..u really shouldn't have.

On the same day we begun stims I started spotting and by Sunday I had a heavy flow. Monday morning I couldn't wait to call and find out ...apparently its "withdrawal bleeding" from the birth control and also my uterus is shedding its lining. Since it measured 8" last time, I had lot to lose thus bleeding for 2 more days. I'm spotting today..still pink..but hoping it stops soon.

Last night I had to get 3 injections because the re-inject pen for Gonal would only give me a dose of 100IU since we've used 200 IUs each night thus far as my dosage (it comes as 900) ..but..the night before somehow when my hubby injected me, only 175 IUs discharged so I needed another shot of 25 to even out the 200. So needless to say two nights in a row I've had 3 stabs to the belly...how lovely! I've gotten use to it so its fine.

I visited the doctors office on Wednesday (yesterday) and looks like we're pacing well. They want to see me tomorrow again for further monitoring.

Can I just tell you about my left overies for a quick sec? I mean..I've already covered my periods so why not.

My left girl seems to be hiding out behind my uterus down under. So finding her is always a bitch. The nurse looked for a good few minutes before giving up. She then called in the doctor to look around for her. I waited about 5-8mins on the bed (on my period) after being poked around with the probe for several minutes. When the doctor came, in order to find her, I was asked to literally turn and lie on my right butt cheek while the probe was inside ...only then Ms. Lefty graced us with her presence....they got the picture they needed.. ( when he saw her I heard him count out to 10 but I didn't ask what it was..follicles? ) Gosh I hate this process. It's so gross. I wonder if it will be this hard when I'm going in for egg retrieval? I can't go on my right butt cheek under sedation...oh my God. The cramps that will follow...

I am hopeful for tomorrow's visit. I'm starting to feel very "lumpy" in the sides of my belly. Something is happening ...aka...growing!

The doctor didn't say anything about follicles yesterday so you bet your ass I'm asking tomorrow. I need to know what we're working with here. I was instructed to stay on my current dosage of meds until next visit.

Cheers to good news tomorrow. God knows I need it.

On a different note outside of IVF -

I lost my Job on Tuesday Sept. 1, 2020! My position was eliminated and I'm now a statistic of the wrath of Covid. I dont want to get emotional but sometimes I can't help but feel defeated. I need to find a sense of worth and value. I haven't spoken to my best friend or anyone about this process, my career downturn and how I'm feeling. Partly because I don't want to be pitied and treated "special" like a delicate lamb or something. You are my only outlet of expressing how I feel. The anonymity helps for transparency.

With my body not able to conceive naturally I've had to turn to science for my miracle....and thank heavens for science... while its a challenging process I was ..and still am..going to be strong and positive through it. But, things like losing the job you loved so much and the amazing benefits that it provides is a big hit. I had an amazing position with an amazing company...amazing compensation and worked with amazing people...and now its all gone. Officially on September 18 my coverage ends. Luckily my egg retrieval should be well before then.

My doctor will most likely opt for a frozen transfer (higher success rates) so that puts me into October and I feel like I'm in limbo. Do I still apply for jobs now knowing I have so many doctors visits still upcoming and when I get pregnant will I face any discrimination and not be hired?

I never heard back anything from the job interview last week btw. I must have applied to about 50 job postings at this point. No interviews and a few rejections but mostly crickets.

Am I worrying too much? 😕

Well you try going through Stims...tell me how you feel.

My hubby's position was also eliminated and so he was technically out of a job for a week. But his boss ( same company) before he got promoted reached out with an opportunity. He interviewed and got the job. So he's back reinstated with his company after 1 week and starts this new role (promotion with more pay) on Tuesday after the holiday. Crazy times I tell you.

Anyways...as usual I chirp away...more to come after my visit tomorrow.

Off to take another nap.....yawns!!!

[thelovingschool]

The Fantastic Four to the Fourth Power, Part 1

I've recently finished Doris Kearns Goodwin's excellent book, Leadership in Turbulent Times, in which she details the ways in which four US presidents served as leaders through pivotal historical moments. I reaffirmed my admiration for Abraham Lincoln, as Goodwin discusses his push to make the Emancipation Proclamation a reality. I was invigorated by the way in which Teddy Roosevelt used the executive branch of government to benefit the citizens of the northeast USA during the Coal Miners' Strike of 1902. I gained new appreciation, wonder, and awe in the way that Franklin Delano Roosevelt led the country during his first 100 days in office in the middle of the Great Depression. I came to greatly respect the legislative leadership of Lyndon Johnson as he pushed the most dramatic and beneficial domestic agenda, his Great Society, including the landmark Civil Rights Act of 1965. Whatever else Johnson may have done or not done, particularly as it relates to foreign policy and the Vietnam War, his impact on the lives of the citizens in the USA cannot be discredited.

Reading about these four presidents as they grew up, faced challenges ranging from losing elections to losing family members to losing the ability to walk, and ultimately served in the highest office of the nation to great effect was a wonderful experience. I was struck by the common themes that ran through all four of the presidents' leadership challenges. Synthesizing the lessons learned from all presidents, it seems that a leader during turbulent times must:

Have a clear sense of purpose

Adapt along the way to achieving that purpose

Build a solidly functioning team

Pay attention to messaging and timing

Build in time for yourself

Having a clear sense of purpose -- In the summer of 2020, three amazing principals, Sanee Bell, Brian McCann, and Beth Houf gave a phenomenal webinar as part of the virtual National Principals Conference. Beth shared a story of her superintendent bringing the principals in her district together at the beginning of the pandemic and asking them all to spend some time thinking about their purpose, their "why" before sharing them as a group. (Beth's "why" was maintaining relationships with students.) Other leaders have focused on the importance of having a clear purpose, including and especially Baruti Kafele. As we've all learned, what was true before the pandemic only has become exaggerated during the pandemic, and so the need for a clearly defined sense of purpose is truly vital now. My "why" during the pandemic has been to ensure that the teachers with whom I'm lucky enough to work are supported with what they need to be as effective as possible given the challenges of the pandemic.

Be adaptive along the way -- As I've already written, I am a student of philosophy as well. One of my favorite professors, Father Joe Flanagan, was a huge Socrates' fan, and every college freshman can tell you that Socrates is famous for noting how little he knew. In order to achieve your purpose, it's important to accept that we don't have all of the answers, and we will need to continually learn and grow as we work toward our goals. I have personally learned a great deal from the work of Ron Heifetz as he discusses Adaptive Leadership. Without going into another book report (I want to save that for another post), in order to be an adaptive leader, one must understand that the leadership challenge you're facing is not simple to fix, and will require a great deal of learning. Back to that webinar at NPC20, Sanee discussed how even the simple question "how are you?" carries new meaning during the pandemic. If you're going to ask that question, you need to be prepared that you might not get a quick response back. It might even be the start of a very long conversation, and that is OK. We as leaders will need to spend time maintaining those relationships empathetically throughout the pandemic.

Similarly, I realized that while I work hard to build positive culture in my school, supporting teachers during this pandemic is something I simply didn't know how to do. I'm very fortunate to be taking a course through ASCD on supporting educator mental health. The lessons I'm learning have been immediately applicable with the team at our school. Adapting along the way means sometimes changing tactics based on new information, but if you aren't seeking out that new information you won't be able to get where you're going.

Build a solid team -- It goes without saying that none of us can do our jobs alone anymore. None of us ever really could before, either. In The Long Distance Leader, summarized here, authors Kevin Eikenberry and Wayne Turmel talk about the important of relying on your team and supporting your team throughout the times when you won't physically be together. The principal I currently work with centered his entry plan three years ago on creating and maintaining a strong divisional leadership team, and he has taught me so much over the course of our partnership. While pandemic economic circumstances have meant our partnership is to come to an end in a couple of months, I am headed to my own first principalship this August, and I feel extremely fortunate. When I asked the Head of School at my future school what he is proudest of (this is his first year there), he said that had he been able to create a leadership team from his 30 years of experience in international schools, he couldn't have created a better team than the one he inherited. That is exactly the kind of joyful, strengths-based, empowering, and collaborative leader I want to work with, and knowing that he shared that information in front of members of the leadership team shows that he is willing to give credit and appreciate his team.

I heard Ben Zander, the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic, share his insight about leading, that people come to the symphony to hear music, and yet he as conductor is the only member of the orchestra who doesn't make a sound. We as leaders are strengthened by the strengths of our team. We know from the extensive literature out there and our own experience how important it is to have trust on a team, and I'll simply relate something one of my own teammates once said at a previous school about our grade-level team of teachers: "We know each other, so we like each other, so we support each other as we work together."

Messaging Matters -- I can't say it any better than Will Parker does in his book, which my partner principal and I have been learning from all year. Similarly, I loved hearing Joe Sanfelippo at the NPC in Boston in 2019 talk about the importance of shaping the narrative about education, because unless we as school leaders shape the narrative, others are going to fill in the blanks with a negative story. For me, the best example of positive storytelling about school comes from Brian McCann. His article in the latest Principal Leadership magazine is one more example of the ways in which Brian models not just for his teachers, but for the larger professional learning community to which he belongs. In fact, utilizing Brian's idea of Positive Sign Thursday is one of the factors that enabled me to land my next job, so I'm extremely appreciative. The point in all of these examples is of course a lesson that Lincoln knew 160 years ago, that it is through story that we can best communicate our purpose. It's not always easy, finding the balance between too much communication and too little, between being optimistically realistic as opposed to toxically positive, but if we as leaders aren't attending to messaging, we'll lose our chance to build a positive culture.

As an example, we committed to maintaining contact with our families during this school year and having the chance to get feedback from them at least once a month. We did extensive work in August, had a check in virtual town hall during September, and had individual and small group conferences with teachers and students in October. Things were going well. But, as November came along and fatigue set in, we stopped being as intentional about meeting systematically with our parent body, and by the time January rolled around we started to receive emails that were letting us know that we weren't opening up a space for all voices in the community to be heard, and that was leading to speculation and unrest. We're still very fortunate to have a caring community that share ideas in respectful ways, and we have since re-instituted those intentional communication systems at a minimum monthly, and are therefore back to where we had been, but the lesson around the intentionality of messaging is well learned.

As the above example illustrates, timing matters as well. The presidents often had to be wise about when to act and when not to act, when to send messages and when to not send messages. I think of the West Wing episode when President Bartlet's team discusses sending out unpleasant news on Friday afternoons, or "the trash" because no one reads the news on Saturday mornings. Or I think of how fantastic it has been to be able to, just within the last couple of years, schedule emails to be sent at certain times. Of course there are times that I am working late into the evening, but I would feel terrible in the past when I would send out an email at 10 p.m. and get an immediate response from a teacher. There are studies out there that emails received at 6 a.m. are most likely to be read, and my guess is emails received at 10 p.m. are most likely to make you think your principal is a jerk!

Time and Space for Yourself -- Thinking about the presidents, Lincoln would go to the theater or read comedy aloud, Teddy Roosevelt would take strenuous walks, FDR collected stamps. Only Lyndon Johnson had no real outlet activity, and I wonder, if he had been better at taking care of himself throughout his presidency, might he have attended to foreign policy better. Few topics have gotten more press in the educational world lately than self-care for educators, and this is a focus area in the ASCD course I'm taking as well. I am also fortunate to be a part of a group of school leaders that gather for virtual instructional "rounds" periodically, organized by a former professor at Lehigh, Jon Drescher. Self-care came up at the most recent Rounds I attended, and to be honest I find this so difficult. "If we are always working from home, and we're always home, aren't we always working?" was the question I posed, and I have had real trouble answering this. Heifetz and Linsky talk about anchoring yourself by having a confidant to talk with and a sanctuary, be it a ritual, an activity, or a place to disconnect from the demands of the job.

This was especially challenging for me in 2020, as I know it was for many of us, as the hours spent on screens and away from my normal rituals of walking and playing the piano were disrupted by the sheer demands on the job. I've gained thirty pounds in the past year, and I physically don't feel like myself. More importantly, emotionally I have struggled at times. I have been exploring different ways to recover, and like Lincoln I find comedy is helpful. If I can get in a good laugh before bed I sleep better, whether that's watching old clips of Robin Williams doing standup or Netflixing Seinfeld's Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. At this point I'll try anything and everything so that I can begin, now that the pandemic is hopefully turning a corner, to feel like myself again.

Part of feeling like myself again is the ability to create something, to produce, based on one of my favorite activities: reading! It's been a joyful experience reading the Goodwin book and the Heifetz/Linsky book, and trying to apply the lessons learned from both to my current role and point in my career. My next post will combine another of my great loves, Harry Potter. Stay tuned to find out which president fits in which house; Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw! Thanks for reading.