#i've also been into arknights for the clothes and not the gacha but the give-up-perfectionist in me requires that i 3 star every stage i can

[grimtaleslb]

it’s negative. long, pretty text heavy. dare i say pessimistic. stay safe ya’ll u_u

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it's like rationally speaking, I know my life would be better if I just worked harder and with a purpose!

something to motivate me ya know? I could even talk to people about it and stuff but I can always imagine it, they take time to talk to me and give me some tips on how to be better and I will always think of it

but the problem is I will think of it and not act at all. I will think and think and think so much, but not even in a crippling way I'll just be like "if I did my homework for class even if just a little bit I will pass just a little bit" and then as I think that I will just, not. do the work. my stuff is out I put away my phone I am sitting there it is me and the work but I will sit there for a good hour and then not have anything to show for sitting there.

I always thought I had a problem for procrastination but now I just don't know. because procrastination is assuming I at least push it off until last minute to get done, but I don't even get it done.

And then I have the nerve, the gull, the fucking audacity to show up to class the next day with nothing and think about how I have nothing,burning my insides with shame.

like I don't even really freak out anymore I just take it. I just

dig my grave and lay in it when it's not even really a grave yet. Just, lay on the wet earth.

I don't even have a direction in life, no goals no nothing and no will to work even though I know I'm probably gonna be stuck at this job I have now forever and I'll die inside or something.

The problem is also that I don't feel anything about it either.

Like you'd think a person who wants help with this stuff would go and look for help for this stuff right? cause they wanna be better or something.

at this point in not even sure if I want help because I don't actively look for it.

Things won't get better until I work for it but I don't wanna work, I don't wanna draw, I don't wanna read, I don't wanna play games anymore, I don't wanna do anything. Sleeping also isn't as appealing anymore either. I don't have any plans to meet with anyone, I don't go out unless it's for work and I sleep when I get home and I don't talk to anyone on my phone and I don't do anything.

Obviously I should invest in a social life of some kind. The problem is the amount of effort that goes into making and forging bonds. It's absolutely exhausting. And I cannot be bothered. I think. But that's also a mean way to put it. I would like to make friends and talk to them but I know I will not talk to them much and eventually drop them, and that's no way to treat people.

People should be treated better than that.

I don't remember what I really wanted to say and I don't think writing this out will help me feel or do better, but I don't wanna go to school and I don't wanna work tomorrow. I want to sleep but I would also like to do something. Anything.

#look i speak #negative #im at an impasse of knowing all the solutions to all my problems #but not doing a single damn thing #how pathetic is that #hopefully if i get the help i need i will not lie to them this time #and i will actually work to do better

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so i wrote this like, last year maybe? maybe longer since it talks about class so at least 3 years ago if not longer. i was (and kinda still am) very sad about. life. and also people. not to say people are mean to me or anything, i’ve meet some very nice and pleasant people! they are really nice to me. also i got a new job which is so faar 5x better than my last (but i guess not since im just used to picking up peoples shift and dealing with costumers)

so im kinda good for now in that sense but damn i wish i didnt have to work to live ya know?

but like, i guess its still a problem i have but my social-ness is still very much lacking. i forgot about this post but. im glad i found it still in my drafts you could say. i still agree with what i said back then how people shouldnt be treated like. that... in terms of friendship... but lately my sis has been having more internet friends and real life friends and thet hang out and play games and go places and it looks like a bunch of fun! 

but like with all relationships it isnt all fun and games and there will be problems from both sides (its a 2-way street after all) and i guess seeing that is like, scary? just hear me out real quick im trying to put words to my feelings then and now.

so. i was recently able to hang out with some ppl from school while gaming and like. we didnt have a plan or anything just hanging out. a completely normal thing to do between friends. i just, wanted to do something so i thought maybe it’d be cool if we faught a boss monster or dungeon or something and they said that was cool but we ended up just. not. doing that. just talking for the longest time. which is, again, a perfectly normal thing to do but i was just. i dont wanna be mean or anything but i was a little bored? i’ve mostly been playing solo and stuff so i was used to doing things at my pace, which is fight a bunch then afk but not much. talking;;;

we did get to play my boss fight! but it was hours later and heading into that 3am time and im. not as stong as i used to be with sleeping and stuff. so after one fight i left and felt a little bad. but i was very much tired. not to say that they’re not fun to hang out with but....yeah. and man i dont even talk to em on discord since they’ve already got their whole friend group situated and what not....

oh also also, my sis is also. well she’s not me really but growing up we’ve always been compaired, as siblings are, and for some reason, i dont know how, i subconsciously thought we where like, almost the same. (this is sarcasm.) but she like, is very social. not to be mean to my self, but like imagine your friends with a fellow loner and you find out they’re immensely popular sometime after. its like shocking but when you think about it your like ‘wait there where signs why am i so stupid.’ 

anyway, what im trying to say here is that unlike me she talks to people and actually works on maintaining bonds even tho we’re both at home lots. (well not anymore but;;; anyway!!!) bonds seem so stressful aaah;;;

i forgot what i was trying to say.....but uh..i think i’ll leave this up? i like. not to say anything bad will happen by me but i want to like. have my thoughts out there. kinda. even tho im scary and like, putting it under a read more. i dont have a vent blog!! well i do but thats for like the major bad and i try not to use it. but i have feelings and am attached to it and...i just. wanted to have something attached to my face, but my internet face. that make scholars go ‘ oh so this was what their thought process was like ‘ kinda. haaha;;; 

i’d like to end this on a positive note like those redemption stories of people getting better or whatever but like, i dont think i have? i am however funtional enough to be living which is pretty good if you ask me! and i am now feeling quesey from wrting this 2nd part and will play some games i am d bad at to not think about it.