#i'm....rlly proud of how this came out honestly i love leaf so much n i'm so glad i finally like

[fatedreamt-blog]

this is a meta about leaf and her relationships, love life, and general perception of romance in general. it’s gonna be divided into sections to make it easier, and i’ll warn for content in each one, but as a heads up, it’s gonna contain talk about her relationship with kiyoshi ( cw for emotionally manipulative behavior, a general abusive/toxic relationship ), how her view on romance changed after that, what she wants in a relationship vs what she needs ( cw for talk about possessive and obsessive behavior, not on leaf’s end though ), what she’s like in a relationship, and how her dependent personality disorder affects said relationship.

i’ll be touching upon overprotective parents and mental illness as well, but they’ll most likely be mentioned more than anything else. more in depth content warnings will be given before each section.

1. PREFACE 2. RELATIONSHIP WITH KIYOSHI. 3. AFTERMATH. 4. WHAT SHE WANTS IN A RELATIONSHIP. 5. WHAT SHE NEEDS IN A RELATIONSHIP. 6. WHAT SHE’S LIKE IN A RELATIONSHIP. 7. HOW DPD AFFECTS HER RELATIONSHIPS. 8. CONCLUSION.

1. PREFACE. ( cw: none. )

as a general rule, i’m not trying to romanticize anything leaf does or thinks and i’ll be putting this in where it applies - i.e section 4. any unhealthy behaviors she wants or has are just that - unhealthy, and i’ll be addressing it as so. 

love means a lot to leaf. this applies for platonic, but romantic love is especially important to her. she was pretty much devoid of intimacy and affection growing up, which made falling in love kiyoshi incredibly easy, but i’ll be talking about that in the next section. it’s not only a core part of her, as it’s arguably the thing she seeks the most, but it’s also a core part of her character. love, and her relationship with kiyoshi, has changed her significantly. in a way, after their relationship, it made leaf a lot more soft and ready to chase the feel - good emotion that their relationship gave her, but it also made her a lot more bitter and cynical. it led to severe trust and abandonment issues, it led to her developing a facade and changing parts of her personality just so people won’t leave, it led to a lot of things that i’ll go in more depth in later. basically? love and her perception of it play big roles in her story.

2. RELATIONSHIP WITH KIYOSHI. ( cw: unhealthy/abusive relationships, emotional manipulation, infidelity / cheating, emotional dependency )

kiyoshi fujioka is 17 when he and leaf meet, with him being a year older than her. he takes interest, as a budding novelist, because he finds her absolutely interesting. he finds the way she talks, the way she moves, the way she is as a person so life - like, a person he’d want to read about and, more importantly, the type of person he would want to write about. he woos her with flowers and affection, pretends as if he’s absolutely enamored with her for the past couple of years. they’re both 2nd years in high school and went to the same junior high. kiyoshi is popular, attractive, and smart, which catches leaf absolutely off guard when he confesses. she’s never been shown this kind of attention or affection, growing up in an emotionally vacant household, and she falls for him immediately. no one has ever shown her this kind of interest or love ever, especially someone attractive and sweet, and she falls for the way he seems so sugar sweet. she adores him, and clings onto him hard.

a year into their relationship, kiyoshi decides that having leaf follow him around like a lovesick puppy isn’t enough. he won’t be able to write her character properly if she’s just put in the same scenarios. so, he begins to toy with her emotions. he no longer is affectionate in private. any and all intimacy is public, leading others to believe that their relationship is normal. any and all gifts he gives her are gifts that allow others to know she’s in a relationship - i.e jewelry and the like. he begins to show more of his true colors and has their relationship be merely a public one. at home, he’s unresponsive to her affection. his texts are kept short. the only dates they go on are in public spaces. she has to ask, borderline beg for affection when it’s just the two of them. their relationship is inconsistent, and the fact that kiyoshi is so unresponsive makes leaf feel guilty and as if she’s the one at fault. she does anything she can to remedy the relationship, begins to revolve her entire life around him, does anything she can to make him love her like he did prior.

it starts to get worse. he notices her attempts and takes note of it. he begins to make it known that he’s starting to lose interest - not that he was ever interested in the first place. he flakes out on dates without telling her, he teases her for things he knows she’s sensitive about, he comes to leaf knowing that he’s covered in hickeys and kiss marks and he’s almost... proud of it? it comes off as that, anyways. he makes it very clear he has no interest in her.

leaf has never been in a relationship before. she thinks this is okay, she loves kiyoshi, she can’t imagine life without him. she’s grown so emotionally dependent on him that her feelings revolve around what he thinks of her that day, how he responds to her, she can’t imagine ever leaving him. they’ve already talked about weddings and kids, and she can’t bear to leave of her own accord. so, she stays.

they break up on the 7th of feburary on their 2nd year anniversary. he comes to her house and instead of bringing flowers and cuddling like last year, he tells her everything. he says it plainly and tells her he never was really in love with her and that he was simply using her to write a character. he says it with so much apathy, no apologeticness behind his words, and leaves right after. leaf sobs and sobs, and doesn’t leave her house much afterwards and begins to get behind on schoolwork. 

she’s 18 when they break up. it’s the 1st valentine’s day in 2 years she spends alone.  

3. AFTERMATH. ( cw: talk about unhealthy relationships, basically every cw from section 2 applies, but it’s only brief mentions, desire of an abusive ex, self - blame for abuse, mention of murder and death )

leaf... spends a lot of time sobbing. her boyfriend of 2 years, who she’s talked about children and weddings and basically spending their lives together with, who she thought wholeheartedly loved her, admitted that he never really loved her. it takes a long time for her to process this, and while her hopeless romantic side grows, desperate for an actual relationship, an actual future and a person who actually loves her, her bitter, cynical side also grows. she begins to grow distrustful and that anyone who actually has interest in her is lying. this... causes her to be very closed off and guarded towards dates or significant others. she’ll still try to appeal to them, but once they actually enter a relationship, she’s completely emotionally closed off. in the sense that she won’t talk about her past or negative feelings.

she... has mixed feelings about kiyoshi. sometimes, she wants him back and if he ever wants to date again, she’d say yes. she still has his number just in case. sometimes, she’s... very bitter and recognizes that it was an unhealthy relationship and will express this anger. sometimes, she believes that it’s her fault and that she should’ve tried harder to appeal to him because at least he would stay. sometimes, she’s only a couple words away from messaging him. it’s... very complicated. her opinions on him change frequently. kiyoshi fujioka is not a good person, but leaf fails to realize that because she was truly in love with him. he was her first love, but she wasn’t his. 

in blog canon, kiyoshi is still alive. leaf... doesn’t see him a lot because he travels, fortunately. in some verses, he’s dead, murdered by her now ex - fiance urso and haunts leaf from time to time. it’s verse dependent what kind of comeuppance he gets and when.

would leaf want to pursue a relationship with him again? it really depends. once again, her feelings on him fluctuate heavily. she would never ask him first, though. 

4. WHAT SHE WANTS IN A RELATIONSHIP. ( cw: talk of kiyoshi’s relationship, so above cws count but as mentions, possessive and obsessive behavior not on leaf’s part, romanticization of extreme possessive and obsessive behavior as leaf’s thoughts ) 

what she values above anything else is honesty and stability. her relationship with kiyoshi was an entire lie, so she wants to know the other really loves her. she wants them to be honest with her, because when they’re not, she begins to believe that they may be lying about loving her as well. her relationship with kiyoshi was very... unstable and confusing. the 1st year was fine, as it was mostly a healthy relationship, but the months after that were awful. leaf didn’t know if and when he loved her, and he so often switched between paying no attention to her at all to treating her like royalty. she wants a stable relationship without much sudden change. and all of these are fine! but... it’s the following that starts to get a little dicey. 

because kiyoshi turned out to be faking all of it, she can’t... really trust when people give her the attention and affection that you would usually give in a relationship just because kiyoshi did the same and he ended up not actually loving her. she wants someone to obsess over her, to show her that she’s their entire world, that they can’t bear to live without her, because that’s the only way her brain would be convinced that they actually do love her. the possession is the same way. she likes feeling that she’s someone’s, that they want her around as much as she does. leaf gets incredibly attached to people very easily, which i’ll talk about later, and often doesn’t think that her significant others are in love with her as much she is with them. it’s this possessive, obsessive behavior that convinces her otherwise. along with that, she adores people who are protective over her. who will murder and hurt for her. something about how they would do anything for her out of all people once again, validates that they love her as much as she loves them. if you behave like this towards her, she’ll immediately form an opinion of “i’m never going to leave this person ever.” she’ll downright excuse any bad actions her partner has done and love them unconditionally. 

this fantasy of having someone obsess over her is something that she does a lot for coping reasons. she likes thinking about having someone be possessive over just because it’s not something kiyoshi ever did, and having the protectiveness is something that she believes exemplifies the honest, stable relationship she wants.

leaf frequently seeks out anyone who has their life together - people that are stable financially and emotionally. it’s hard to put this in words, but basically, she doesn’t want to take responsibility of her own life. an ideal situation in her eyes would be a relationship where the other person decides everything for her and she won’t have to take responsibility for her own life. this... isn’t great, and she realizes it’s unrealistic, but it’s something she’d greatly want.

is it possible for her to have a healthy, serious, long - term relationship without any of these things? absolutely! of course, if she wants it to be long - term, she would need to confront why she wants possessive and obsessive behavior, as well as think about it more and the consequences of it. these... are things that she would have to come to terms with during therapy. in one of her main ships, she achieves this with her fiance caden, and going to therapy with him has helped her realize that the things she wants are because of her trauma. 

for now, though, these are things that she wants. 

5. WHAT SHE NEEDS IN A RELATIONSHIP. ( cw: mention of the things in section 2 and section 4 )

ideally, what she needs is stability and honesty. these are things she already wants, thankfully. as said before, she needs it to calm down her own anxieties, and instability / a fluctuating relationship and her significant other lying constantly to her is just gonna remind her of kiyoshi’s relationship, which... won’t bode well with her. 

she also needs someone persistent and stubborn and blunt. someone who will tell her that hey, the things you are thinking and the things you want are unhealthy. someone who will persist and persist. she also needs someone who will be there for her and will help her through not great days, obviously. 

she also needs someone who can be patient with her. she’s... very stubborn and won’t listen to people, or she’ll deflect any sort of ‘you need to get help’ with an excuse or an explanation. she needs someone who is willing to sit down with her and help her go through these things.

really, she just needs someone who will be honest, stable, blunt, and persistent.  

6. WHAT SHE’S LIKE IN A RELATIONSHIP. ( cw: brief mention of mental illness )

leaf... falls in love with people very easily. her relationships are often very short - lived because she rushes into them a lot. she attaches herself to anyone who’s nice to her and immediately labels them as someone she’s interested in. this usually fades away after a couple of hours, but if they keep talking to her and if they keep showing up, she’ll start to think about dating them. 

if she does date them, she’ll be very sweet and kind. she’ll appeal to her date and change... pretty much everything about herself to appease them. leaf will do anything to have them stay and consider dating them. she thinks every failed date is her fault, and not simply just two people not connecting. 

however, when she does start to date someone, and it’s clear it’ll be a serious relationship, she gets very emotionally closed off. of course, she’ll be the same as she was on the first couple of dates and keep appealing to them and changing herself for them, but emotionally? she won’t open up. she’ll lie about negative feelings ( which are very prevalent for her ), rarely talk about herself, and center the relationship entirely on the other person. it’s what she’s used to doing, and she’s also what she thinks will have the other person stay. 

leaf is also terrified of being clingy. she naturally is, but because she’s so scared of coming off as desperate, she’ll often become distant. she won’t initiate conversation most of the time because she’s scared of coming off as needy or annoying. leaf also is very stubborn with her partners in fear of bothering them. she’s... very passive in a relationship because she doesn’t want the other to think any negative thoughts about her and tries excessively to avoid that.  

if she somehow falls out of love / loses interest, the relationship becomes distant / not great, or she’s unhappy in a relationship, she won’t acknowledge it. it’s highly unlikely that she will ever fall out of love and will continue to try and make her significant other like her and stay. if the relationship ends, it’s because the other person ended it. it’s unlikely than she’ll ever actually initiate a break up with someone.

leaf excuses her partner’s actions a lot. they could do the worst, and she’d still act like they did nothing wrong. if the relationship turns sour, she will blame herself and try and change for her partner. she is so utterly in love with the other person that she can and will do absolutely anything and everything for them.

besides that, though, she is, however, incredibly sweet and caring. she’ll knit you sweaters and name / grow plants after you. she thinks of her significant other constantly and is absolutely head over heels. she’ll do anything for her partner, really. once she gets to a point where she feels as if she can trust you and that you’re honest about her love with her, she’ll go to you for help. she’ll fall in love with you more and more every day. she’s a good girlfriend most of the time, it’s just the problem of coming off as an annoyance to her significant other that’s her problem. if you manage to convince her she’s not, though, she will constantly be chatty. more than usual, anyways, because she still fears coming off as irritating, but she’ll initiate conversation more. 

she gets easily flustered, especially with pda. a big thing with her is her letting you hold her hand. her hands are ugly to her - they’re burnt, bruised, cut, basically just in bad shape, and if she lets you hold her hands, it means she trusts you. she values and appreciates intimacy and can be very affectionate. she’s similar to a cat in the way that she’ll just... lay on you. leaf likes playing with her partner’s hair a lot and just in general being close to them. she does do her best for them. 

7. HOW DPD AFFECTS HER RELATIONSHIPS. ( cw: mental illness, obviously, emotional dependency, controlling / overprotective parents, mother in specifics )

this is an entire meta by itself, so i’m just gonna very briefly go over the criteria and symptoms and then relate them to leaf’s romantic relationships. eventually, i’ll make a meta exclusively focusing on leaf’s dpd ( and probably her bpd as well ), but for now, here’s a very quick overview. i’ll be relying on the dsm-5 for this!

dependent personality disorder, abbreviated as dpd, is a cluster c personality disorder characterized by “a pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation”. the symptoms are the following:

a) difficulty making every day decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others b) needs others to assume responsibility for major parts of one’s life c) has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss, support, or approval d) has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on their own due to lack of self confidence e) goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others f) feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to take care of themself g) urgently seeks another relationship as a source of support and care when a close one ends h)  is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of themself

i’m not an expert on dpd, nor do i have it, so please tell me if i have any incorrect statements!! you need 5 of the above to have dpd, and leaf fits mainly a, c, d, e, g, with b, f, and h occurring sometimes, but not all the time. i’ll talk about this more and how leaf fits into each symptom in a separate meta soon. her dpd stemmed from having an overprotective and strict mother for a majority of her life.

leaf, as stated before, wants someone to take responsibility for her own life. she at least knows it’s unrealistic, but it doesn’t stop her from hoping and wishing. she depends heavily on her significant other and her mood will often fluctuate on how said significant other acts or talks to her. 

8. CONCLUSION. ( cw: brief mentions of the above topics and cws! )

leaf’s perception of love is heavily influenced because of her relationship with kiyoshi. her wants and needs, as well as her in future relationships, is because of the trauma she had due to him. ultimately, she wants to have a loving relationship with someone who genuinely cares about her, but because she can’t trust when someone says they actually love her, she craves the absolute extreme, which is possessive and obsessive behavior. her want for intimacy and love is very much so because of her lack of affection her entire life, as well as her relationship with kiyoshi.

with therapy, she’ll get better about all of these - and does, in some verses! - but for now, it’s something she has to work on.

in conclusion, i love leaf, and fuck kiyoshi.