#i'm......tryin to distract myself til the meds hit n then hopefully sleep
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I really didn't think I'd relapse right into the old habits so easily anymore
#i'm......tryin to distract myself til the meds hit n then hopefully sleep#i knew it'd take some adjusting again but. it's like all the conditioning he carved in my brain came back in full force#but i want to go back i need to go back i need to prove i can still be what he wants me to be that i can still be good enough#but i fucking can't cause i'm just. not. he doesn't even fucking want me i'm just stress relief. a punching bag#before he'd sometimes give me just enough to make it almost feel worth it. tell me i did good. tell me i'm one of the best he ever tasted#but not anymore not after what i did. he's never gonna fucking forgive me n i need to stop craving the validation but#it feels like i'm fucking dying i can't think about anythin else just please please let me prove myself again i can still do it#i'm scared he's gonna tell me to go back. cause i probably will even though i don't have to anymore. there's nothin he can do if i don't#but last night that didn't even fucking occur to me. i woke up at some point n went to have a cig n didn't ask for permission to leave#stupid fucking mistake i know better than that n he probably would've just let me go if i'd asked but no#had to have a whole nother round cause i can't remember some basic fucking rules#i know he's never gonna give me the approval i need cause that's how he keeps me under control but i fucking need it#& it always hurt when he'd ignore me whenever vx was around but the way he's constantly comparin me to doll n makin sure i know#just how much he prefers him over me is. a whole another level. we're similar enough that it almost feels possible but#he'll never want me like that#& i don't want him either! i sure as hell don't like him! so why the fuck do i care#cause for a very very long time my survival depended on stayin on his good side that's why#but. ugh.#spdrvent
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