#i'm too stupid for these fucking forms
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always i need to make more money and it just. i hate money so much i wish it was all just fucking OVER
#musings#i'm too stupid for these fucking forms#everywhere i look there's fucking forms and paperwork#i hate it i hate it so much#i can't DO it
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I'm really bad at law school 🧍♀️
#just got my mark back for an essay#buh-bye honours program next year ig#I haven't been handing anything in on time but this is the first time someone's actually picked up on it and deducted marks#IF IT'S HANDED IN THE SAME DAY JUST HOURS AFTER 4 PM BUT BEFORE MIDNIGHT WHY IS IT COUNTED AS A DAY LATE#granted this specific one was like 10 mins before midnight#but holy shit bro I got murdered in my feedback#I'm too stupid for law school honestly why the fuck am I here#yes I passed and I got a credit but that's not what I was aiming for and it's not what I would have gotten if it wasnt late#because I could have been that much closer to a distinction which would ease some pressure of the exam off#but nooo I had to get marks taken off for handing it in BEFORE MIDNIGHT#got told I don't really seem to have an understanding of corporate theory and I seem confused#it was clear I engaged with the materials But Not Enough#do you know how many FUCKING sticky notes I have in my damn textbook??#I even looked at a SECOND textbook!#and took written-on-paper-notes to try and wrap my head around the different theories that applied to the topic and how to argue them!#on top of what notes I had from the lecture slides#and you're telling me 😭 that was all just for my professor to call me silly in fifty different nicer forms? 😭#had a cry because I am Going Through It today#and I have another assignment to hand in tonight#and then another one next week#and another one the week after#AND the week after that#and then it's my exams 😔 someone please murder me
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i am so fucking frustrated with myself right now
#what do you mean i can't just fucking go online and fill out a form!!!!!!!!!!! just fucking do it idiot!!!!!!#i have to apply for insurance benefits by the end of the day and i can't fucking do it#our post comrade.#i have a general idea of what to do. i have a general idea of what buttons to click#but i cannot fucking do it. i don't know why.#i need to do it but i don't have anyone telling me exactly what to do so im just frozen here.#fuck my life. i'm too stupid to live and im too stupid to die
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jjk spoilers 257
jjk spoilers 257
OK, so obviously JJK is taking a giant step toward the end of Sukuna, and that's only natural, that's how the plot was always ordained to go. It's OK: a character being dead does has never really bothered horny fanwriters and artists.
(this being said Hori better leave Aizawa alone...)
All I ask is that the hot, deep-voiced, four-armed pleasure bicycle that is Sukuna goes out in a way that is worthy of the skill and smarts he has shown so far. Gege, please don't nerf him into an idiot. He's many, many awful, war criminal things, but he's not an idiot.
#jjk spoilers#jjk 257#jjk manga spoilers#jjk sukuna#true form sukuna#not actual spoiler but spolierish/weird tags beyond this point#la la la i am trying to push the weird tags out of sight on the dashboard#i hate falling for the evil but competent ones#i'm still scarred by what happened to varys and littlefinger on GoT#nothing more infuriating that people who were too peasant to appreciate my smart and evil (or morally ambiguous in Varys's case) pookies#whooping and hollering and calling them frauds when they faced their inevitable defeat as required by the plot#(in the case of Baelish GRRM straight up said he wouldn't do the stupid shit they made him do...I will never stop being pissed about this)#my pookies weren't frauds#the writers were frauds#who were too stupid to figure out how smart characters would realistically fail#gege you fucking killed nanami don't you dare take out sukuna in a way that makes the fraudkuna clowns crow
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i realized how much it scares me that my mind will convince itself of even the ugliest things if i start thinking them often enough and it's... yeah. like i had a good session with my psychiatric rehabilitation therapist i think it was very useful but then at the end i got hit by this feeling of fear... like i'm so scared of myself and how low i can get
#like i convinced myself the only way to deal with my pain and my problems was to attempt suicide so people would know i was suffering#bc i wasn't able to tell them#and i really really for real believed it and i did exactly that and it's very scary to think my mind can get so twisted and believe these#distorted versions of reality or twisted ways to get what i need or all the negative things i think of myself#and like i guess this is just part of working on getting rid of these beliefs. that i'm realising just how deep in them i am and that it#scares me#but it's not a nice feeling. i'm really trying not to judge myself for it that's not useful. i'm still learning how to not judge myself#for every little thing but god it's hard i'm so used to thinking i'm too much or not enough or too emotional or too stupid or inadequate et#just every bad thing under the sun#but even trying my hardest to mantain like a non judgmental view of this issue... the fear is the hardest part rn#it's just... i don't even know who i am? and that's also something we're gonna work on and started to a little#but i don't know who i am and so i just believe abt myself whatever the situation leads me to believe. whatever my bpd leads me to believe#whatever others lead me to believe#and the last one especially is perhaps my biggest issue. i don't know myself and i don't like what “myself” currently is and i live for#other people i live to please others i do things so others will like me or at least not dislike me so i can hate myself less#and really that's no way to live. and this is something this therapist is making me realize and understand#but it's just seriously so.... scary all of this all of this realizing i'm just an empty vessel that i fill up depending on the person i'm#interacting with and that i am.. nothing. like not nothing but like nico is not a formed person. i have molded myself to other ppl's tastes#and needs and if i try to look beyond that there's just this void or at least this question mark#i don't think i have like no personality? but well i do have a personality disorder so that's fucked me up! and it's! aaaa!!#if i think about the things i have convinced myself of by sheer repeating thek to myself all the time in my dark moments...idk#and like it was manageable when the dark moments had reduced and i was relatively okay. but as soon as i got bad again... oh#it started being a constant bombardment of negative talk to myself abt myself and a constant telling myself#well pretty much that there is no worth to be found inside myself. so unless this pain somehow goes away by itself i'll kill myself#that was basically my train of thought every day multiple times a day for months and months#that is scary!!!!!!!! that is so!!!! i'm so#sorry this is a mess. i'm trying not to cry bc i'm at my parents' house and my father's around but. yeah. just lots of feelings#and again it's probably normal i mean talking about these things is good! but feelings are bound to arise and some are hard to deal with#suicide tw#sorry i forgot the tw in my being upset in the moment
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If you ever see me becoming one of those transmisandry people, please fucking call me out immediately.
#it shouldn't happen though i am too triggered by MRA-lite material#i can't see that changing any time soon even though i haven't had exposure to the content for like 10 years#the transmisandry discourse on this site melts my brain it's awful it's just online stuff being argued about more online stuff#this is not the same as me saying i will never be treated badly for being transmasc i am not stupid i know that happens#and i am fully committed to fighting the patriachy which has nothing whatsoever to do with my individual manhood or anyone else's#it's a system and yes gender and how we fit into the patriachy is made extremely complicated in trans circles and that's ok!#i promise it is you don't have to design a new system that cis women and trans women are using to do oppression on specifically trans mascs#we're all being fucked over by the patriachy and how the fuck does it help to be divided#but in reality let's face it i can say this all i want but the real reason i'm never going anywhere near being a transmisandry person#is because i was exposing myself to MRA-lite content at a formative age and harming myself in the process#even if i didn't know i was a trans man guess what it would have harmed me just as much if i did have that awareness#and honestly when i see transmisandry discourse all i see is that fucking triggering stuff again#all it does is nitpick whether patriachy is real with tiny examples it doesn't talk systemicly and it doesn't help men in the slightest#it pays lipservice to marginised men but it has no interest in talking about the fact that men are usually simultaenously#oppressed and oppressor at the same time- this is not accusatory it is just factual#it's true of the queer community too and basically every community#but we can't seem to talk about it without just harming each other and blaming and not seeing each other as human#the internet makes it all so much fucking worse this stuff can't exist without it#anyway i'm super rambling but these are genuinely very triggering topics for me i have unfollowed people i LOVE becuase of this#and i still love them! unfollowing on a social media isn't a referendum on that i just can't see that stuff and i need it gone from my dash
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i got home, took a nap, spent two and a half hours on my taxes, and now i guess i'm gonna shower and go back to bed for work tomorrow.. fml and fuck the tax system....
#and it's not even over yet!! i need to print and mail them tomorrow and that's going to be my whole friday afternoon#i'm expecting 2-3 hours on that shit#literally 100% of my income can be found on my government-issued W-2s.... all my healthcare can be found on my government-affiliated forms.#i fucking hate it here#worst of all is that i think i could have avoided the printing out step but i realized too late. this stupid identity confirmation step at#the end of the process is the most frustrating part of it all#like oh yeah? me having all of my banking employment and healthcare records for the past year (not to mention address contacts and SSN)#isn't actually enough to convince you - you need last year's AGI given me by YOU or a dumbass PIN? it genuinely feels punitive
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Um Duolingo, what the hell is this:
As if it wasn't bad enough that the new pathway removed a bunch of my progress (AND takes ages to move onto the next topic so I'm not improving), and that they removed the wordlist so I can no longer keep on top of vocabulary, now I have no idea whether I'm meeting my own daily target or not?S
#Yet more nonsense#PLEASE stop messing with it PLEASE#Stop gamifying it! I do not need to be give little quests and combo bonus and god knows what else#I just want you to provide some basic translation sentences is that so fucking hard#It's harder to supplement with other forms of learning as well#How am I supposed to improve when your stupid pathway has been teaching me the same 4 words & grammar lesson for two months#How am I supposed to practise and learn new vocabulary when a) there isn't a list any more#And b) there's barely enoug new content each day to make it worthwhile#I don't want to play linguistic candy crush I want to learn a language#I don't want little trophies and the opportunity to buy more gems or whatever#Also why are there almost no translation exercises any more- proper ones?#I keep getting given a word bank to choose from with very few options to type out my own instead#It makes it way too easy and I'm not learning anythin just clicking on the words available
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Your reaction to the Narrator and what he says is really funny. You’ve basically gone:
I don’t trust you!
Okay, I think you believe what you’re saying. However, I think you’re wrong so I’m going to ignore you.
Wait, where did everyone go… SHIT, was the Narrator right!? Did the world end!?
The Narrator, the Hero and the Smitten are all gone. Are they dead? Did the apocalypse happen!?
Oh, never mind, the Princess is here. The world might still have ended though…
Meh, sometime things need to end for new things to start AKA I don’t care that my choices may have led to the premature and possibly painful death of every man, woman, child, animal and possible the universe itself. The Princess is here and that’s all I care about. Plus, maybe something else with come after this.
Oh good. Things have reset… and the Narrator’s back warning me about the end of the world again yawn
Wait, maybe the Princess made him like this
God, I hate this guy and how he’s – checks notes – doing the thing that the Princess might be making him do. Anyway, I love the Princess and she can do no wrong!
Don’t get me wrong, your reactions are completely understandable. It’s hard to believe a random voice that goes ‘go murder this person or you’ll condemn everyone else to die.’ Anyone would find that sus. Not to mention, while you are being told the Princess will end the world, the only person you’ve actually seen is the Princess and she asks you not to kill her. I do wonder if you’d have been so blasé about the possible end of the world if you’d seen some of the people you may or may not have damned.
It’s just funny that you simultaneous believe the Princess might be the one making him like that and that she’s worth saving but he isn’t. If you’re right and the Princess made him like this, he’s very much a victim but you don’t care because you’ve choice her side.
You’ve said that you’re going to try to save everyone, with the possible exception of the Narrator who you think might be a lost cause. It sucks for the Narrator. You think he believes what he says, that he might even be right, that the Princess might have made him like this and he’s still the only person you aren’t bothered about saving.
oh boy-- outside of the game content! Looks like i've unlocked the voice of The Anon!
so this little dumpster fire of an ask has been waiting in my inbox for… quite some time.
my initial hesitation to answer, more than anything else, was because, sincerely-- the tone of this anon made me think they might pipebomb me with spoilers to prove whatever little weird point they're making here-- if, in hindsight, there even is one worth making.
and also not give you the immediate satisfaction either-- if you even are still here (hi i guess?)
but now that i've finished the game…
well okay for one all i'm going to say is i can tell you haven't even finished the game. maybe even barely watched the demo.
Or by this point, might have gotten beyond that-- given that one ask i also believe you also sent me (from the way you... apparently think my reactions are so '''funny'''), you'd probably have tried to spoil me even more... because i wasn't getting to the points you thought i should???? what is your fucking damage?
but the first reason i wanted to 'answer' this was to show off how completely fucking bonkers you are.
the fact that i KNOW on some level you had to have based all this JUST on my playthrough-- and opinions-- of the game.
my very… incomplete perspective and playthrough of the game at the time you sent this in, btw.
the very… condescending way you word… all of this. because i have a spine i find this more cute than anything, if very annoying and weird.
the fact you seem to make judgement calls… on my morality? from how i play a game? with very Not Real Characters? I mean yeah it wants to draw you in and my choices/opinions for the most part have been genuine but i think ya'll get what i mean here
also i can further tell you have Not Played The Game because of assumptions even I haven't made? or at the time hadn't made? or if you have, uh… well. um. hm. alright then.
but again like-- your assessment of me based on… what was at the time a very incomplete playthrough with what information i had-- and if anything now that i have completed the game, uh, yeah, i'm pretty firm on my perspective.
but also other than shaming me for… beyond siding with, sympathizing with a character… the game wants you to sympathize with and bond with and not getting along as much with a character who, at every corner… listen i don't think he's technically a liar but gaslighting and condescension isn't that great of a look either. but also shaming me for liking her so much when the game is stated outright TO BE A LOVE STORY. DO YOU ALSO GET WEIRD AT PEOPLE WHO PLAY FUCKING DATING SIMS AND LIKE THE CHARACTERS, ANONTHY?
also your weird judgement of my impressions in general. like. it's almost that's what a liveblog is?
'the only person you aren't bothered about saving' is. also interesting. all i'm gonna say is um. anon. genuinely. what the fuck am i supposed to do here to even SAVE the narrator?
but also the insistence i'm playing a game 'wrong' that…… outright says there ARE no wrong choices, just different perspectives (which, i suppose also technically applies to me here-- but my point here being this anon is kind of weirdly fucking judgmental).
hell, even the creators have stated they won't answer any lore questions outright BECAUSE they want it to be interpreted in a variety of ways!
which, speaking of the creators.
i don't know them obviously, but, uh. anon?
i don't… think they'd want you acting like this. like thank god this game is so popular.
i say this because…
let's imagine, for a moment:
i have a weaker spine, and this game is far less popular, and still by an indie studio (granted if it was less popular i might not be playing it but that's beside the point).
let's say i recieve this and decide, at 'best', to modify my playthrough… not according to what i want. but because of some random guy on the internet who's being weird.
suddenly it's incredibly ingenuine for a game that wants you to make YOUR own choices.
or, a step further: i just stop live blogging it. if people think i'm making the 'wrong' choices, why show that, after all?
maybe, at worst, i even stop playing.
anon, if this game HADN'T of gotten the reach it had… how do you think this kind of attitude would affect it? or, hell-- even as popular as it is… this is still… pretty fucking rude to do to other people, and by proxxy the creators to a point.
like, there is the 'don't be a fucking dick in the fandom' part, obviously. shaming other people for their perspective on a game that WANTS you to do so is, uh. pretty boggling.
but there's also the other point that doing this DOES hurt indie creations. not that oh you have to treat them like glass and never debate with each other no no-- but treating people like this when they're publically helping talk about an indie game… is kind of shit, actually!
and to clarify-- i'm not holding myself up as some like, single beacon of the slay the princess fandom, like, god no-- there's a lot more influential people here who have done that way better than me in terms of hyping up this game.
more so that-- well, this isn't for anon. i know i'm not gonna convince them, whoever they are. and, hopefully, since the ask you sent after this, that I can tell is you because you use that cute little condescending indicator of thinking ways i'm playing you don't like/think is 'right' is ''''funny''''-- i've finally been able to block your ass. good riddance to someone who bafflingly was apparently following someone's content they don't really like all that much and don't know how a fucking block button works on their end.
like. are you like this with any friends you have? do you look at them and also like, similarly act like god's rudest little asshole about however they play a game? interpret a media? if you're allowed to determine my apparent entire morality from a short view of my play session i think i'm allowed to determine from this short (unfortunate) window into you that you sound pretty fucking insufferable.
no, this is moreso me-- other than making fun of anon and gawking at them-- going don't fucking do this. not JUST because it's rude-- but it can actually be VERY detrimental to other indie projects, even this one to a point, that's SUPPOSED to have discussion and different interpretation.
don't be this weird asshole.
#hoping people get what i mean when i post all this#this anon has just been like. in my inbox almost the entire time and like. i've been just kind of looking at it like man wtf#anyway hopefully my point gets through here#pichlive answers#also to further clarify: no i don't mind other takes but this anon was being fucking weird and#in hindsight very fucking stupid and obnoxious about it#if it was just saying i might be too judgemental or jumping the gun on the narrator or hinting there's more going on or even disagreeing#thatd be perfectly fine! but implying i'm some kind of idiot for not immediately playing the game some rando wants is. uh. well#its something else#and i am not intending to speak for the creators i just get the vibe that. this ask spits very much in the face of what they may have#intended#or how they'd want people to like experience the game in terms of playing it freely and forming their own views
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My stomach sounds like some manner of beast right now, just kind of "mhhhrmmhhbbhh"ing, like some sort of creature snuffling and grumbling
#it may in fact shock you that a single potato did not in fact fill me up#but that's what was on offer tonight#and... and between there not being a lot that I'm up to scavenging in the first place and my stomach not making me feel great...#kinda makes it hard to feel like trying to track down something to eat#what I wouldn't give to have like... a dozen big hamburgers and a spinach or romaine type salad#doubt I could eat it; but it's what I'm feeling like might actually get me out of food deficit if I did manage to eat it all#I don't want sweets; I want food; but my mom loves using her money to pick up sweets and it's like...#a couple really nice quality burgers... even... 2... maybe 4 if we're honest; that's what I'd love#maybe a classic style; a bbq one; something with some spicy peppers on it; and then... surprise me with the last one; just no tomatoes#(and only good quality lettuce; you can put it on there but only if it isn't iceburg)#if only if only if only... if only I had a fuck ton of money or if only I had the skills to make that for myself#man I could go for some food right now... just a burger; that's what I'm really craving#like I said; that sausage patty earlier just made me hungrier so I feel like I need meat#and I fucking know all those SEO articles always say there's no way you need more protein in fact you're getting too much#but I just... I want just a massive amount of meat; a mountain of it... or fuck; don't care; you get me whatever it is in it that I'm wanti#and you put it in a vegan form I don't care... I just want whatever it is I'm wanting; and it's taking the form of burgers#Just like... if I had like 50 burgers in the fridge and I could heat one up any time I was hungry#I might actually be full for once after like a week (and maybe out of burgers)#I know I'm better off than most people; I know I'd be fine if I just wasn't so stupid and lazy#but I'm so fucking hungry and have been all my life#a decent meal that comes around more than once a month (that it's rare it comes around that often)#what an amazing idea; you know?#that month where I'd bought that like month of $1 big burger coupons for smashburger... that was maybe the one time I was almost full#only meal of the day most of the days... but fuck... one big burger every day is at least something
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I think I should log off for the night . uhm . but I probably won't . so . bweh .
#➳ the fool speaks#i won't let my stupid inability to form normal attachments to others get in the way of the last few hrs of my birthday#<- listening to my bpd playlist#ugh . don't turn this into a vent post uu'll literally feel fine tmrw don't turn it into a vent post uu'll literally feel fine tmrw don't t#I'm always like this man#in a year will this matter ? looking at my record of ppl I've acted like this over . no . but in the moment however -#very tempted to re-use my dar.ling da.nce theme but i literally just changed this#I'll keep it for at least a week . shrug .#but god fucking damn it what do i have to do to finally get the love i so desperately want . when can i stop being a pathetic little kid#begging for attention and love ?#and care . god fucking damn it i just want somebun who CARES . and loves me and gives me attention . all three of those .#what is that too much to ask for or something ???? eueuehththehrhrhrhr
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I’m actually so mad at the lack of personalities in F1 that actually care about the sport. All they care about is being paid. None of them care about what the sport is turning into and the frankly insane changes being made.
23+ races a year and new “street” tracks? Absolutely! We love travelling! Getting rid of legacy tracks that fans and drivers love? Well, that’s just the circle of life! And 3 races in 1 country? Oh my god absolutely perfect we love America. We also won’t even bother to debate the suitability of some of these places
Sprint qualifying added to the mix? Change is good! We can’t stay the same forever! Oh changing that sprint qualifying into meaningless sprint races? Confusing but sure! We love action! This can only be a positive!
I sure hope that money is good because every single one of them is spineless. General fans don’t want these changes, drivers don’t want these changes, no one actually wants these changes. But fuck the fans I guess because they’ll just use DTS to get their preferred audience in who don’t care if the drama is manufactured or not.
#I love this sport; this sport has been part of me my whole life#And things do have to change i am not stupid; I have watched this sport change over the years#But if those changes didn't work they were changed until they did work or they were reverted back to a form that already worked#They didn't just keep forcing it until everyone gave up complaining about it#It's going from sport to tv entertainment show and no one associated with it seems to care and thats fucking insane#Sorry i'm just really in a mood about this tonight because I was reminded it was miami this week#Which is a shit money track and i hope it floods again#f1#also sorry if you follow me on bird app where i also just ranted like a madman about this LOL#Also yeah i will gatekeep f1 i dont care anymore!! liberty and dts are fucking ruining this sport and no one seems to care#Say what you like about verstappen i dont care if you love him or hate his guts but him being the only driver to speak out is insane too#people are like yeah please leave! but he's right!! these changes are insane and he's probably not the only one considering the future#sorry i'll stop now <3
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tw suicide mention & also cancer mention in the tags
#tw suicide#a semi friend from school committed suicide this week#and by semi friend i mean i didnt like him but my friends did#and this literally sounds horrible but it wasn't affecting me much??#like i was fine. just sad that someone had chosen that but didn't feel emotional about it#and all of a sudden i am feeling all these emotions and i don't know how to reconcile them with#to be blunt: the person who made me uncomfortable and frustrated and felt too negative whenever i was around him#it's just been a fucking weel#it's been a fucking week#and i just. i don't know what i can handle rn.#i'm so overwhelmed and overstimulated and unable to do much#like ihave a uni assignment due monday. andit's pesach.#and i just. i have (for the past year +) just felt like there's never a break#and i need a couple week's holiday from. well form everything#i just want to get away from my stupid parents and their separation and my dad's ''''girlfriend''''#and my friends who are so much sadder than me about this man who died#and my neverending feeling of behinded-ness at uni#and my endless stream of jobs#i just. i need a break#but i can't afford a break.#everything is a lot. NOT TO MENTION that i need to call the cancer center and figure out a plan bc of my family history#NOT TO MENTION all the nerve pain i've been experiencing lately#NOT TO MENTION me falling behind on showers and eating#im just so overwhelmed i need a nice soft place to land#tw cancer#aya talks
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i fucking hate maps like these because it never paints an accurate fucking picture:
MONTANA HAS SAME DAY VOTER REGISTRATION.
do you understand how hard we have fought to keep that? so like. fucking stop it. should you get registered beforehand and have a plan to vote? absolutely. but if you miss the "deadline" YOU CAN STILL REGISTER TO VOTE AT THE ELECTIONS OFFICE AND ON ELECTION DAY. like i'm sorry you live in a stupid ass state that doesn't have same day registration, but montana does. so fucking deal with it.
Oh look, it seems like there's a Republican-led movement to purge voter rolls in the lead-up to the election! It's almost as if your vote matters and they don't want you to vote! Anyway, I whipped up a quick map (based on this) that shows when the voter registration deadline is in each state. There are a few deadlines coming up in the next week or so.
If you live in a state that regularly purges voter rolls for infrequent voters (the orange ones in the first map), or if you moved recently, it's good to check if you're still registered to vote.
Vote.org makes it super easy to check your registration: https://www.vote.org/am-i-registered-to-vote/
Just put in your address and DOB and they'll tell you whether you're registered. (And they give you a quick link to register online if it turns out that you're not! Only the 9 states in white on my map don't have online registration, and for those they provide instructions on how to do it via mail or in person.)
So yeah, give yourself peace of mind -- do a quick check. :)
#YES I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF#BECAUSE THIS MAP IS MISLEADING#AND I HAVE CANVASSED AND WORKED ON CAMPAIGNS AND HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS STUPID FUCKING MISINFORMATION ON THE GROUND#this map is also very fucking stupid because this 'deadline' is for MAILING IN YOUR REGISTRATION FORM#BECAUSE YOU CAN STILL GET REGISTERED TO FUCKING VOTE IF YOU GO TO THE ELECTION OFFICE#LIKE WHAT ARE WE FUCKING DOING HERE#I WORKED TOO GOD DAMNED HARD FOR FUCKING IDIOTS TO SPREAD STUPID MISINFORMATION ABOUT MY GOD DAMNED STATE#WE NEARLY LOST SAME DAY VOTER REGISTRATION (that was approved multiple times BY the voters) BY OUR STUPID LEGISLATURE#our state scotus saved our fucking asses#so like#I TAKE THIS SHIT PERSONALLY#[raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaage]#yes. check your registration and get registered or reregistered if need be. make a plan to vote. know *your* state's deadlines.
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Y'know what we're not gonna feel bad about crying or about imagining making everyone feel obligated to cater to my crying, we're gonna focus on the fact that I rallied and that so many beautiful humans came over to console me and ask me to dance. That would never have happened at a school dance or club. (AKA I went to English Country Dancing and I fucked the fuck up on dance 3 or 4 and lost my partner and actually the entire group and got overwhelmed and cried) I'm not happy, I'm not proud. It was goddamn inconsiderate of me to my partner and to the others. To be fair, once I returned from getting water and collecting myself I watched nearly every single other experienced dancer also losing the steps and not getting it either, but in the end, I did rally and I went on to dance 3 more dances. I danced a good hour and 45 of the 3 hour shindig (after this the instructor let us know the last two dances would be advanced and hard for beginners so my HS best friend and I left for dinner ---- she also is diabetic and needed to eat) Anyway. They taught us bare minimum positions and concepts in the first 15 minutes (groupings, corners, 1st/2nd, partner, neighbor) but every dance introduced 2-4 new steps and such for each new dance. And didn't call the steps AS THE DANCE WENT (I don't know what I expected really) I did best on the easier dances (point A, obviously) and later when I said the steps out loud / called them as we went into them (point B) It was actually really fun and cool! I can see why they seem so romantic in period dramas and also why they are difficult! And I am so so so so very grateful to everyone who came to ask me to dance and took my hand and led me to the line up!!!! There wasn't a single dance I wasn't asked to! Most dances I was asked by more than one person (both men and women). And I watched experienced dancers fuck up left and right here and there so I'm not mad I fucked up, or even that I cried. I feel bad that I almost gave up and that I felt like giving up. But I didn't. And then my friend and I walked past a few places I haven't seen in forever and got good food and had a good chat (and for the first time all year I was able to pay for her instead of vice versa - though I only got away with it by her being in another room both times)
#personal#I'm not sore surprisingly but I am exhausted#My friend and I both 30 were by far the youngest there by 20 years#It really is a beautiful dance form though I'm glad I could try#(the fact that I felt like a selfish sniveling 12 year old is neither here nor there)#I AM relearning my self confidence after years of shit (Astarion Voice: PURE SHIT) of isolation both self and abuser made#People aren't gonna lock me out or God forbid hit me for fucking up a little#Maybe. This time. They won't#Kind of hurt that my partner from newbie introduction said they'd prefer an experience partner for the first dance but like -#It was more of a bemused hurt at them apologizing and explaining? They didn't have to I 100% expected them to dance with some1 experienced?#I also wanted to dance with and learn from someone experienced?#I did notice later when that same person was in my group or my 'neighbor' when I was doing my call outs all by myself#that it helped them too#helped the experienced in my groups as well#LOOK I REALLY THOUGHT THEY'D BE CALLING EVERY MOVE EVERY TIME#In Therapy Voice “Oh. My subconscious thought they were going to literally lock me out into the cold or someone would literally hit me.”#Because... that's What's Happened b4 “and my subconscious went into immediate Fawn/Flight from such a mundane stupid trigger.”#Yeah so anyway I really think I do have PTSD
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I should die.
#I'm ugly poor mean stupid and annoying#I am biologically unable to be desirable#I'm too stupid and lazy to get a job#I'm incapable of meaningful forms of love#I'm not smart and cannot apply myself to learning new things#I cannot shut the fuck up like the trash I am and expose others to myself
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