#i'm terrified but now the fear isn't paralyzing anymore

[humbleanger]

thinking!

[macsimagines]

sleep paralysis demon ran? halloweeny enough?

very spooky and yandere, but also hilarious because i just watched that brandon rodgers sleep demon video lmfao

TW: YANDERE BEHAVIOR, MINORS DNI, DEMONS, NON-CON TOUCHING, SOMONOPHILIA , Weird warning but the gif i used in this is scary so pls be aware

Yandere!Sleep Demon Ran Haitani

You're just the cutest, Ran has always thought so from the moment his eyes met yours. And he was terrifying. You always thought so ever since he started haunting you as a kid.

Ran learned very quickly that he needs to feed off of fear in order to live, and he picked up on the fact that children were the easiest to scare. And you were always so scared of him darling.

It was almost like when a boy bullies another girl in his class because he had a crush, except the boy was another worldly being that decided you were going too be his personal meal for the rest of your life.

As a little girl he'd always find ways to torture your paralyzed form from everything like pinching to pulling on your hair and sometimes when he was feeling more sadistic biting.

You tried to get help, told anyone that would listen but no one wanted to listen to you cry about the monster hiding in your closet anymore and so you were left to bear Ran's sadistic bullying alone.

Over the years he got better at it too. Jump scares weren't having the same effect anymore you got too used to it over the years, but that fine because he was smart enough to evolve his tactics.

He got very good at creeping out of corners you could just barely see out of the corner of your eyes. Knowing that he was there but being unable to fully make out what he was going to do to you.

Somehow Ran trained himself to be able to whisper at you from all angles making you confused about where his voice was coming from and where he was really hiding at. Sometimes the things he would say would vary from threats, to maniacal laughs to down right unhinged.

"Keep shaking, baby girl, you look so tasty~ Can't wait to take a fuckin' bite out of you~!" "HAHAHAHAHA! Lookit how scared you are? Don't even know what I'm gonna do or where I'm comin' from!?" "You're so fuckin' beautiful. You're all mine~"

Years go by and you're an adult who will never truly have a good nights sleep. It doesn't matter whether or not he's really there and if he's really messing with you. You're too paranoid to sleep more than four hours without worrying if he's going to show up.

He's learned not to push you too far, he can't have his favorite meal going off the deep end. He needs you around. So he'll leave you alone for weeks, just sitting where he knows you can see him, watching...smiling.

Ran delights in terrifying you, the way your eyes go wide and your body shakes, unable to do anything. The way your body breaths so hard and heavy desperate to make any sound for help but choked by his force to keep your fucking mouth shut. He enjoys all of that but truthfully...

Ran loves to watch you sleep. Your delicate features when your relaxed, how soft your body is when you feel safe instead of rigid when you think you're in danger. Your lips slightly parted just enough for him to kiss...

It's unimaginable to a creature like him, but he does find himself wanting to be...affectionate to you. So he lets himself touch you gently, allows himself the privledge of being soft.

And this terrifies you even more... Your fear is so delectable when he's just looking down at you, hands rubbing your arms to soothe the aches he knows you have from working all day, brush the hair away from your face so he can take good looooong look at how cute you are...

Why are you so scared? He isn't trying to be scary right now? He wants to be nice to you. To be good to you... But you're just staring wide eyed and crying even.

"I just wanna touch, just be good and let me touch." he whispers gently, like you'd even have a choice or say in the matter. He wonders if he could have an actual conversation what you might say...

But its the curse of his people, human interaction beyond feeding is forbidden and his biology makes it so you naturally paralyze at the sight of him. Isn't that a shame...

"I just want to feel," he whispers to you crawling onto your bed to really get a good look at you, "Just want to know," he continues running his hand down your sides, you really are so warm, "How soft you really are."

[darcyfangirlsfrequently]

The Past, the Present, and Our Future

Summary: Luke is hospitalized and in a coma after the blast in 16.5, and Penelope is paralyzed by fear, so she turn to some friends for help.

Word count: 2277

Can also be read here on Ao3

“Hey, wanna swap out?” Tara asked, stepping into Luke’s hospital room. “You check in on JJ, Will, and the boys, and I’ll keep an eye on Luke?”

Penelope tore her eyes away from Luke for just a moment. “I… I don’t know.” She kept tracing circles on his hand with her thumb, silently willing him to wake up and look at her. “I know I should check on JJ and her family, but… I don’t want to leave him.” 

JJ and Luke had been found by their backup about five minutes after the bomb had gone off. They were injured, unconscious, and slightly burned, but they were alive. They were rushed to the hospital and placed in medically induced comas so they could heal. Penelope hadn't left Luke's side since the moment he'd been allowed visitors. 

“I’m so scared, Tara,” Penelope admitted. “And it’s parlayizng. In the past… whenever JJ was in danger, he was there to comfort me, even if I acted like I didn’t want it. And if he was in danger, JJ was there to make sure I knew he was okay. But now they could both die at any minute and I don’t know what to do! I’m just…”

“Frozen?” Tara guessed.

“Yeah. Frozen.”

In an attempt to lighten the mood a bit, Tara said, “You know, it’s nice to see you finally admit that you care about him.”

"Of course I care about him, I’m not cruel,” Penelope replied. She was silent for a moment before containing in a hushed voice, “Did you know we went out?" Even as she asked the question, Penelope couldn’t tear her eyes away from Luke.

"I'm sorry, you did what?" 

"We went out. He asked me out at my going away party, so we went out for dinner together. Just the one time."

"You know, the fact that you went out doesn't really surprise me," Tara told her. "What does surprise me, however, is that it only happened once. What happened? I would have thought that once you two got your heads out of your asses, that would be the end of it."

"I got scared," Penelope confessed. "Everything just felt so… real. I could see things getting very serious, and that terrified me. And then Covid came along and shut everything down and so I said I didn't want to be in a relationship where we couldn't see each other and that it would be best if we just stayed friends. I was so scared of things ending that I didn't even give them a chance to start."

Tara considered this for a moment. "Penelope, can I be straight with you for a second?"

Penelope smirked, the first sort of smile to grace her face in days. "I don't know, can you?"

"What do you– oh my god you did not just make a gay joke right now!" 

"I'm sorry, the opportunity was right there!" 

Tara laughed. "You know what, I'll let you have that one. Can I be straightforward with you?"

Penelope giggled, wiping away the tears that accumulated in her eyes. "Yes, yes you can." 

"I understand where you're coming from. With being scared about being serious. For the first few months of our relationship, I was terrified to be serious with Rebecca, even if I was happier than I'd ever been. Being scared… it's natural. It means you want it to work."

"Well whether or not I want it doesn't matter anymore, does it? It's been three years, I highly doubt he feels the same." 

Tara raised her eyebrows. "You're kidding, right? Have you seen the way he looks at you?" 

"Tara, the way he looks at me now isn't any different than the way he's looked at me in the past."

"So the way he looks at you is the same as the way he looked at you, say, when he asked you out?" 

Penelope's eyes went wide as the pieces clicked. "Oh. Oh."

"Yeah. Oh." 

"What do I even do with that information right now?" 

Tara placed her hand on the other woman's shoulder. "You take a break. You go check on your best friend and her family and you think about it. And then you come back and you sit by him again when you're ready." 

"And you'll call me if anything changes?" 

"You'll be the first to know." 

Penelope got up, hugged Tara, then made her way down the hall to JJ's room. "Hey," she said, knocking lightly on the doorframe. "How is she?" 

"She's stable," Will said from his position at her side. He patted the empty chair next to him. "Come, sit down." 

"Where are the boys?" Penelope asked as she sat beside him. 

"They're at her mom's. I didn't want them seeing her like this." 

"That's understandable." There was a pause, then she asked, "How are you?" She knew that if she was bad, he had to be worse. This was his wife. JJ was just her friend and Luke was her… well, she didn't know at the moment. 

"I'm paralyzed," Will confessed. "She promised she'd call me when she was walking into something dangerous. When Emily called to tell me that something had happened, I had a voice message from JJ. All it was was her saying she loved me, but it was right before the accident. She promised, she almost followed through, and then she didn't. And now she's in a coma and I don't know what's gonna happen."

Penelope placed her hand on Will's shoulder. "If it helps… she was further away from the bomb. Luke went in first and shouted at her to run before he started running himself. She was already almost completely up the stairs when the bomb went off. I'm sure she'll be fine."

"Thank you. How is Luke, anyway?"

Penelope fought hard against the tears. What right did she have to break down at the mention of someone who–by her own hand–was no more than a very good friend, when Will was here worried about his wife? "He's… stable. But not great. Just like JJ, we won't know until he wakes up." 

"And how are you?"

Penelope didn't even have time to understand the implication behind the question before she blurted out, "I'm paralyzed." 

Despite the current situation, Will found himself smirking. "So you're as worried for him as I am for JJ. Interesting." 

Penelope's eyes went wide. "Wha– what do you mean by that?"

Will laughed. "You think JJ hasn't been complaining about you two to me for the past seven years? Apparently, it's somehow gotten worse since you left the team. According to her, if she didn't know better she'd assume you two were a couple based on the way he talked about you and how often he did it." 

Penelope also found herself laughing. "She really said that?" 

"Oh yeah, apparently he refused to learn the new techs' names. He was all 'remote Garcias' this and 'not-Penelopes' that. Talking about that time he cat-sit Sergio and found out he was allergic."

"Yeah, and he still offers to cat-sit for me. He just says he needs to get an allergy prescription."

"And you think it's a surprise people could think you're together. You know he has a thing for you, right? Everyone knows it, has known it for years." 

Penelope felt herself blush. "Yeah… yeah, I know. Tara more or less told me before I came here." 

"You feel the same way like JJ thinks you do?" 

For the first time in years, Penelope let herself admit it. "Yeah. I do." 

"Then what the hell are you doing here? I'll watch over JJ, okay? That's my job. Yours is to be there when he wakes up. You're gonna be the only person he wants to see."

"Are you sure?" Penelope asked. "I can stay for a bit, keep you company, I don't mind."

Will smiled kindly at her. "Go. I've been here before. I know the drill."

Penelope leaned over and hugged Will before getting up and going back to Luke’s room.

“Hey, you’re back sooner than I thought you’d be,” Tara told her.

“Yeah… Will more or less told me that I need to be here when he wakes up.”

“I’m inclined to agree with him.”

“Will you wait with me?” Penelope asked her. “I don’t want to wait alone anymore.”

“Yeah, of course.”

Penelope sat right beside Luke’s bed, and Tara sat just behind her, against the wall. And they waited.

*** 

It was three days later, in the middle of the night when Luke finally woke up. Penelope’s head was resting on his bed near his leg, her hair sprawled in every direction. He began to lightly stroke his fingers through it, not wanting to wake her. Tara, who hadn’t really been sleeping, noticed the motion instantly.

“Hey,” she whispered. “You’re awake.”

Luke nodded at Penelope. “How much sleep has she been getting?”

Tara chuckled to herself. Of course that would be his first question. Not, how long have I been out, not, how’s JJ, all he cared about in that moment was Penelope. “Not much,” Tara said. “She’s been here five days. I’ve been here three.”

Luke smiled at his best friend. “Thank you. How’s JJ?”

“She woke up two days ago. I had to convince Penelope to go visit her for even half an hour. She didn’t want to leave your side.”

Hope surged in Luke’s chest as he gazed at the sleeping woman next to him. Maybe telling her wouldn’t go poorly for him. He’d already decided to do it, he had come too close to death and didn’t want to die with her not knowing, but he’d been scared it would cost him one of his dearest friends. But maybe, just maybe, they would finally be able to move on from just friends. 

“I’m gonna go,” Tara said. “Something tells me you two are going to want to talk in private when she wakes up. “

“Thanks.” Just as she was almost at the door, Luke called out to her again. “Tara?”

She turned around. “Yeah?”

“I just wanted to make sure you know… you’re my best friend, and I love you. You’re like a sister to me.”

Tara was nearly in tears as she quickly crossed the room to give Luke an awkward hospital-bed hug. “Love you too, Luke. And I better not be the only person you say that to tonight.” She winked at him conspiratorially, and he rolled his eyes in response. 

“You won’t be. I swear.”

“Good. It’s only been seven years, it’s about damn time.” She walked over to the door but paused right before she left. “Oh, and once you’re all better, you owe me a detailed explanation as to why you never told me that you asked Garcia out.”

Luke groaned to himself, and Tara left. The sound of the door shutting woke Penelope up, who looked around, confused and in a sleepy daze.

“Wha— Luke?”

He smiled at her, so glad to hear her voice again. “Hey, you.”

“Oh my god, you’re awake!” She flung herself at him, hugging him tightly, before instantly backing away. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! Are you hurt anywhere?”

“No, I’m fine, really.” He was only slightly lying. Everything hurt a little bit… but he just really wanted to be able to hold her. 

Penelope wrapped her hands around his and looked down at them. “Luke… when I thought you’d gotten blown up… I just wanted to apologize for and take back every mean thing I ever said to you.”

“Hey,” Luke said, tugging on their conjoined hands so she’d look at him. “Don’t you dare. I knew you didn’t really mean it. I wouldn’t change anything about us, okay? Actually, no, that’s not true. I would change one thing, and that would be that we’d actually get past the first date. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear right now, but I,” he found himself near tears as he said this, overwhelmed by the weight of his emotions. “Penelope Garcia, I am in love with you. I have been for years. I never stopped, even when you said you just wanted to be friends.”

He would have been worried when she started crying too, but the large smile that was spread over her face told him that they were tears of joy. “Luke Alvez, I am in love with you too. I’m sorry I was too scared before… but I realize now that I can’t lose you. So… do you want to give this another try?”

“Yes,” he replied emphatically. “What, did you think I was just confessing my undying love for you only to not want a relationship?”

Penelope rolled her eyes and laughed, leaning away from him. “Shut up, you’re such a pain.”

“Wait, no, come back,” he said, pulling her toward him again. “So… does this mean I can finally kiss you?”

Penelope leaned even closer, their lips an inch apart. “Yes.”

He slid the hand not currently being held by both of hers to the back of her head and pulled her the final distance toward him, finally pressing his lips to hers after seven years of pining, dancing around each other, and near misses. It was the best feeling in the world. 

When they finally pulled apart, Penelope leaned on the best against him, cradled under his arm. “Please don’t leave me,” she whispered.

“I won’t,” Luke promised with a kiss to her head. “How could I? You are everything I’ve ever wanted since the moment I met you, Penelope. I’m not going anywhere.”

[skynapple]

another work rant (cw: negative, cw: emotional abuse)

no really my jobs is just one of those topics that's so negatively ingrained in my being because of the way it has not only stripped me of my confidence, it has reshaped me into an entirely different person who's so weak i don't recognize her. I don't recognize myself anymore.

I look back at 2018 and think…that's the last time Madilyn was Madilyn, idk who i am anymore. Cause that girl had the strength to leave? I don't have the strength anymore. I don't have the strength to be confident, and strong. I'm weary. I'm terrified. I don't want to leave because i'm "comfortable" in this cycle of abuse that they've rendered on me.

I've accepted what they've told me pretty much daily, that I'll never be good enough anywhere else (that has been like, physically said to me. Out loud. It is why I am still here. That whole thing where they fired me and then said "Never mind, so-and-so has more opportunities elsewhere" as in. They do not think I do. I'm not good enough). Aside from the many, many times over the course of the past 3 years I have been told in other ways, directly or indirectly, that my artwork or leadership isn't 'good enough' and have had my projects passed off to other more 'capable' hands.

That kind of Iie is so deeply embedded into my being now that… here I am, holding this company together by its threads. I feel like going down with this ship isn't necessarily because i feel loyal enough, i just… have become one with it. Like. When I tell you the thought of applying to any other jobs is so deeply terrifying to me that I haven't applied to a single one? Despite knowing this job has like,, maybe weeks left? At best? Despite the cycle? Despite the abuse? I haven't. I cannot. It terrifies me.

I'm angry cause... the love bombing hurts. The way I cling to the shreds of "Madilyn we need you, we're so glad you're so loyal. We cannot do this without you. You're amazing!"

The literal, actual tears of a grown man: "We know we can pull through if we have you" a really, long uncomfortable hug....... (it still makes me squirm cause touch is my love language so being held like I meant something to someone when i very well know i do not was TOUGH)

And the ways that other than pretty words, there's nothing to show for it... (i mean unless you count my paycut, when it was promised 'we'll give you stock in the company! we'll steadily increase your pay again if you just.... stay'

and stay I did cause I thought i could be... using the time to search for other jobs? nope. I've.... sat here paralyzed.

And my work performance? tanked. My productivity? non-existent. And as someone who was historically an over-achiever... it sucks to see myself like this. Because...it's not who I am. (I graduated university with a 3.98 GPA Summa Cum Laude - the highest honor a graduate in the United States can achieve).

I don't recognize myself in this state of fear. I don't like it. But I'm tired. I'm so tired.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #097

(taken january 2nd; uploading surveys taken while gone)

Were you ever scared of driving? What scared you about it? I'm like, paralyzingly terrified of driving to a point where I don't and haven't driven for a few years. One of my absolute biggest fears is getting paralyzed from the neck down (I would rather die), WAY more than what is rational, and that's the main thing that keeps me from driving. Well, that and killing somebody, because I WOULD kill myself if I did that. I could never live with it. I know it's an inconvenience, but it's just ultimately safer for everyone.

If you have any piercings or tattoos, do you remember the name of the person who did them? I remember the nickname of the guy who did three of my tattoos, June Bugg. I feel like he might've given me a piercing too, idr. I don't go to that location anymore.

What’s something that someone has said to you in the past that really offended you? Nothing in my entire life has offended me more than Sara invalidating my trauma and calling me a weak-willed deadweight.

Do you do that typical girl thing out in public where you have to have someone come into the bathroom with you? No, I wouldn't want a friend in the bathroom with me. That would make me uncomfortable.

Who was the last person you made plans with? Girt; he's coming over tomorrow.

What is something you and your parents used to argue over often? Until late into being a teenager, Mom would always get on me about always being on the computer. It never did anything, though; that's how I still am today and Mom has long since stopped commenting on it. Pretty much my whole family just knows that's how I am. Dad and I never really argued about stuff...

Give me a song that is underestimated/not well known: Honestly a whole lot of Otep songs. They're a very controversial band with how aggressively leftist they are, and I will openly admit the vocalist Otep Shamaya is fully capable of being a bitch (she's active on social medias), but the vast majority of the songs they make fucking annihilate. I know one that I've always been surprised by how "underground" it is is "Shelter In Place," which heavily enforces gun control and even addresses the NRA as a terrorist organization, so some people have very strong opinions on it, but idc, that song gives me fuckin goosebumps.

Does everyone in your family have a job? No; I don't, and Mom isn't being paid for cleaning the church right now because of disability stuff, so.

Name a reason you would most likely go to jail for: "Assault" for defending a loved one is definitely it. I am NOT afraid to throw the fuck down if somebody attacks my family, and I know in some cases judges or whatever don't accept situations as "self-defense."

If you’re a girl, have you ever had the urge shave your hair? Not all of it, no.

Is there a real fireplace in your house? Yes, but we never use it.

What’s the scariest book you’ve ever read? Uh, idk.

Do your parents drink? I am incredibly proud of my dad for being a recovered alcoholic; he never touches it anymore, at least that I know of. My mom drinks a little something very few times a year, kinda like me.

What’s your favorite seafood to eat? I only enjoy shrimp.

What does your best friend love that you hate? Uh... good question? "Hate" is a strong word; I can only imagine a situation where I love something and he doesn't, that being horror games. This mf couldn't handle the first necromorph appearance in Dead Space lmfao.

Name the creepiest horror movie character for you: Ghostface from Scream has scared me since I was a kid; I'd cry if I even saw a picture of him, lol. I kinda wanna watch the movies by this point though, like he's still super creepy to me, but he doesn't scare me anymore.

What do you believe in more: ghosts or demons? I definitely believe in ghosts, at least of some sort.

If you have a dog, what kind is it? She's a chihuahua; the last breed Mom and I ever would've sought out, but she was a friend's dog that Nicole was really insistent on us taking, and she works very well with us. We love her.

What’s the last reason you held someone’s hand? Because I wanted to and it's not rare that we do anyway when we're cuddling on the couch.

Has anyone ever tried stealing your boyfriend/girlfriend away? Not my current one, but in the past, yes.

If you were in the hospital, do you think any of your exes would come see you? No; none of them would even know, anyway. I wouldn't wanna see any, either.

Do you like being called baby? It's not my favorite, but it's whatever if Girt's the one who says it. I appreciate that it's not something he uses frequently, though.

What do you think of your best friend's ex? Well, she cheated on him and it really hurt him, so I don't think well of her. Although I am a believer in that people change, and they were together well over a decade ago, so I'm sure she's grown as an individual and I will not take that away from her. I know literally nothing about her other than what she did, not even her name.

If you had a child at the age you’re at now, do you think you’d be a good parent? No, absolutely no. I struggle taking care of myself, I could not handle a child right now.

What was the last thing you watched on YouTube? John Wolfe playing The Devil in Me.

What was your favorite job you’ve ever had? I didn't enjoy any of my very brief jobs...

What’s your phone’s wallpaper picture? Both my lock screen and home screen are currently agonizingly cute meerkat artwork.

When was the last time you saw the person you had your first kiss with? February 2017. I've since then seen a single picture of him because of a mutual friend on Facebook, but idr when this was and it was just a picture.

Why did you move to where you’re living now? Because the old house was a health hazard with mold issues, and at this time Mom had severe cancer so did NOT need that. Mom also had a hard time keeping up with rent at the old place, so that contributed to us needing out.

What was the most severe punishment your parents gave you when you were growing up? My mom wasn't afraid to spank my sisters and me, and I do remember her once hitting me so hard on the arm that I kinda had a mark for a short period. I should mention my mom is very against physical discipline like that now; she nearly cries when Ashley's husband Nick decides spanking one of the kids is "necessary."

Have you ever been to California? If so, when was the last time you were there? No; that is the literal opposite end of the country for me and I have no reason to go there.

What’s something you’re really bad at compared to others? Social situations as well as just knowing how the hell to be an adult. I don't understand money, I don't understand legal stuff; I understand very little and need help with like, everything.

Do you know anyone who treats retail/restaurant employees poorly? Not anymore. Colleen sure as hell was that person, but thank fuck I cut her out of my life many years ago.

What was the topic of conversation the last time you spoke to a sibling? Uh... I don't know.

Are you currently looking for a new job? Kinda passively, I guess. Sometimes I'll hop on Indeed and search for shit but I have absolutely zero hope.

Who is the person you are the closest to? (emotionally, not physically) My mom, and Girt.

Are any of your relatives musicians? No. I don't think, anyway.

Have you ever been in fear for your life? Yes.

What was the last caffeinated drink you had? Do you drink this often? By pure coincidence my mom just randomly brought me a Mountain Dew, lol. She's proud of me for taking better care of my teeth after the dentist. I don't drink it often anymore for sure.

AC/DC or Aerosmith? I like both, but I enjoy more Aerosmith songs.

Do you have a brother? (Do you like it that way?) I have a half-brother named Bobby, and I love him bunches even though I only see him once every few years or so... He lives in Tennessee. Right beside NC, yes, but we're in eastern NC and it's a LONG state so it is not a quick drive at all. He's amazing though, such a good, friendly, very intelligent person. He goes on hikes a lot and DAMN would I love to be able to do that with my big brother when I'm in better shape.

Is it possible/likely that you’ll become a cat lady? I MIGHT have a few cats when I'm older, I'm pretty much certain I'll have at least one, but I will never take in more animals than I can adequately provide for, and cats aren't my main pet type focus anyway.

Do you believe there’s a devil? No.

What have you been diagnosed with (if you don’t mind sharing)? Preface: I may not have every single one of the psych diagnoses; it's a strong theory that because of me having seen so many different doctors over time, there are many overlapping diagnoses. There's severe chronic depression, social and generalized anxiety, bipolarity II, AvPD, PTSD, and OCD, and right now I'm kinda-sorta in the process of seeking a professional to possibly receive an autism diagnosis, or at least get clarity that I am or am not. I don't feel like elaborating on all the reasons right now, just know I have a seriously thick novel of evidence that makes me and others (including my own mother) very suspicious that I just went undiagnosed growing up. ANYWAY physical stuff, my body carries inactive MRSA, I probably have a thyroid problem that I am soon to get properly examined, I have high cholesterol, severe sleep apnea, and uh... OH, this is brazenly obvious to me, but I haven't officially been diagnosed with muscle atrophy in my legs because I'm getting examined for anything else it might be, and sure enough the other options are running very low.

How often do you drink energy drinks? I don't; they're just too sweet, and something being too sweet for me says something.

Is Google your homepage? Yes.

Have you ever been on an island? I have, for a 4th grade field trip.

Do you enjoy jogging? I can BARELY jog for like a couple strides because of my legs. Suddenly and quickly putting so much pressure on my knees would make them buckle.

Have you tried Krispy Kreme doughnuts? (Was it love at first bite?) Krispy Kreme is my favorite place to get donuts so hell yes. When that "hot now" light is on, BOY the temptation to stop is almost unbearable, lmao. We have one very close to our house, but Mom and I avoid it because together we WILL eat a dozen super fast, lol.

Have you ever been a fan of The Killers? I mean, "Mr. Brightside" is a fucking classic and a legend of a musical piece, and I also like "Somebody Told Me," but that's pretty much it, I think.

In how many languages (besides English) can you count to 100? German... so long as I could look up what 12 is again, lol. For some reason I have SUCH a hard time remembering 12. (I just looked it up and it's "zwölf," yep, don't remember that shit lmfao)

What’s your favorite lollipop flavor? Probably strawberry. Maybe watermelon.

What do you think of shows like Maury and Jerry Springer? They're cringe as fuck, like it's excruciating.

How did you form your opinion of marijuana? Originally I was very against it because it's just another substance that affects the mind and perception and also has more carcinogens than cigarettes, but as an adult I am fully for legalizing it, though of course with regulatory laws and standards. Science is what changed my mind, really, and just knowing how incredibly beneficial weed can be for many kinds of people. I also just think it's a MASSIVE overreaction to have so many peopled jailed for weed, like bro you have WAY bigger fish to fry. I just feel like many, many improvements would be inevitable if weed was legalized worldwide.

How often do you sleep naked? Never. I only once or MAYBE twice fell asleep naked accidentally as a teenager when I was with Jason. I would feel way, way too vulnerable and also self-conscience deliberately sleeping naked.

Who is your favorite musical artist/band beginning with "N?" I just whipped out my iPod to check, and I'd say Ninja Sex Party. They kinda recently came through NC for an acoustic tour and I almost asked Girt about going because he loves them too, but yeah I didn't wanna ask ANYBODY to pay for something.

Are you much of an outdoorsy person? It sucks, I totally would be if I was in better shape/didn't feel like I was dying after five steps, and if it wasn't hot or even warm out.

How big of an Oprah fan are you? I know virtually nothing about her, so.

Have you learned the quadratic formula yet? (Do you remember it?) Well yeah, a very long time ago. I looked it up and I was wrong on what it is btw lmfao.

What is the one question you most want to ask someone and who? If Jason forgives me.

Would you agree that "variety is the spice of life?" As someone whose life is nothing but a pure, unvarying routine, yes, it absolutely is. I would give so much for my life to be more varied and exciting.

Why did you need your most recent x-ray and what were the results? At the dentist, I just needed updated x-rays of my teeth. Helped them locate cavities and stuff.

Do people more often mistake you as being younger or older than you are? Younger. I'll take it, lol.

Would you like a bottle of Yoo-Hoo or it’s not really your thing? Dude, I love those. Haven't had one in maaaany years though, which sucks. It's a warm memory of mine that when I was younger and my dad and I would go fishing with our neighbors, we would always stop at the gas station for Yoo-Hoos on the way.

Are you single? If not, what is your significant other's name? No; Donald Jr. but I've always known him as Girt.

What are your plans for tomorrow? I have a doctor appointment in the morning and Girt is coming over later. I think we're gonna color in this horror chick coloring book I got for Christmas. :')

Is anyone else in the room you’re in? Just my cat; he's asleep right behind my laptop. He loves that spot, I'm sure because of the heat leaving the computer.

What are you listening to? "Dicke Titten" by Rammstein, what a fuckin anthem lmfao

[headinthestaticsky]

Frozen Within the Night Wind: Jasper Hale x Fleur Swan, Chapter 11.

None of the characters in Twilight belong to me, all rights go to Stephenie Meyer.

Authors note:I was reading up on the Newborn Battle and saw that it took place in June... I get that snow storms can happen on mountains but why is everyone else wearing jackets in the battle haha.

"When the mako flies Up from the bottom in your eyes Then I know the twilight skies Are not so broken hearted."

Stylo by, Gorillaz

Today was the day, they would finally arrive ending the constant tension of the inevitable battle. We all stood tense in the field, the wolves were hiding so they weren't immediately sought after.

"Fleur, do you think you could track Riley? We need to know how close he is." Esme asked.

"On it... They aren't to far from here, it'll take them about... 2 minutes before they find us. They're falling for Bella's blood trap quite easily."

"That's good, we don't need them finding her." Carlisle said.

I felt someone grab my hand I turned and looked at them, Jasper was staring back at me.

"We're gonna be fine." He said. I turned my head due to the sound of rustling coming from the far side of the field. I looked back at him and smiled.

"I know we are."

I then saw the crowd coming toward us, they all were yelling. We then began to run toward them as soon as the got close enough both Jasper and I punched two of the vampires heads off. The rest of us had separated at that point as the new born vampires spread out. Two vampires came toward me both of them trying to take out my head. I dunk under them both easily and took out there legs, leaving them defenseless. I then took off both of there heads, another vampire snuck up behind my and grabbed me by the back of my neck, I grabbed both of there hands and flipped them over, crushing there head into the ground and shattering it.

I looked around me and saw Paul with two vampires on his back, I quickly made it toward him. Kicking two other vampires in the process and flipping over another one that was being chased by a wolf before making it to him. I ripped the first one off his body taking it's head clean off with it. Paul had gotten the other one off of him and looked at me quickly before running off again. I ran toward a tree and rock, suspecting someone to be hiding there. My theory proved to be correct, I saw a girl coming out of the little nook.

She looked about 15 years old and scared out of her mind. I stopped myself from attacking her and saw Carlisle and Esme next to me, we were unsure about her.

"Let's leave her here...I really don't think she'll try anything. She looks absolutely terrified." I said Esme and Carlisle nodded. I then ran back toward the fight. I was in the midst of a power struggle with one vampire, my arms, shoulders, sides of my neck, and cheeks began to crack from the pressure. It was unbearable, it was as if a thousand needles were stabbing each individual nerve rendering it useless. Suddenly the pressure was gone and angry amber eyes looked down at the vampire's dismembered body. I healed quickly thankfully and Jasper and I ran off together to defeat the remaining vampires left. They had all been taken out with ease with the exception of a few. Before we both could react a vampire bite Jasper right on the neck, trying to tear apart his skin. Jasper had let out a yell due to the pain and I quickly pushed him off of Jasper, stomping his head in. Emmett and Paul took out the last vampire. When we all dragged them to the middle of the field to burn them I noticed I never saw Riley.

"Hey... did any of you guys run into Riley?"

I saw uncertain faces on the Cullens, which gave me the answer.

I decided to track him, to see if he was still around. I saw him stalking up a mountain, Bella and Edward suddenly came into view.

"Riley... listen to me. Victoria is just using you to distract me. She knows I’ll kill you. In fact, she’ll be glad she didn’t have to deal with you anymore." Edward stated.

Bella looked terrified behind him. I saw Victoria come down a tree landing on a rock covered in snow.

"Don’t listen, Riley. I told you about their mind tricks." Victoria persuaded.

"I can read her mind. So I know what she thinks of you." Edward interjected.

"He's lying."

"She only created you and this army to avenge her true mate, James. That’s the only thing she cares about. Not you."

Riley turned his head to her, and an unsure look was on his pale, deadly face.

Victoria froze, her eyes slightly widened.

"There's only you, you know that!" She said.

Riley then began to walk toward Edward again, Both he and Bella backed up.

"Think about it. You’re from Forks, you know the area. That’s the only reason she chose you. She doesn’t love you."

"Riley, don’t let him do this to us. You know I love you."

Riley turned his head back to Edward a smirk was on his face.

"You're...dead."

I broke out of trance before a fight could break out.

"Guys...They're both with Edward and Bella..."

All of the Cullens's eyes widened with shock.

"Look I got a plan, Dean, you're the second-fastest in the family so you need to get that girl out of here take her back to the house... I have a feeling the Volturi are going to show up and I don't think they'll spare her. I am going to get as close to the fight as I can from the mountains and try to get Victoria to hallucinate again. We don't have any time to waste, MOVE IT!" I demanded before running toward the fight. I could hear Jasper in the distance as I kept running.

"That's my girl..."

As I ran it felt like I was having deja-vu, it reminded me of the ballet studio situation 2 years ago. That same mantra was going through my head. "Please...let me get there in time." No matter how cruel and unkind Bella could be...I couldn't stand the thought of her getting killed by the cold hands of revenge.

Flashback: 4 years ago.

"THAT'S IT... I CAN'T STAND TO BE AROUND YOU TWO ANYMORE!" I yelled at Bella and Renee.

"OH GET OVER YOURSELF, YOU'RE THE ONE ALWAYS CAUSING TROUBLE AROUND HERE!" Renee yelled back.

"Causing trouble....CAUSING TROUBLE? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO THIS TIME?"

"YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH YOUNG LADY! I HAVE RAISED YOU FOR 15 YEARS!"

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A GOOD MOTHER!"

"How dare you..."

"What did I do.... what do I always do? Want love? Reassurance? Someone I can trust? That's not "causing problems"... that's something a parent should give to their child. Oh sorry... both of their children!"

"Well...it's hard to give that to a child you just can't stand. You act just like your father..."

"You say that like it's an insult... my father is an intelligent, compassionate man, I'm glad you left him... I didn't want to see him get abused like me."

Bella just sat back and smirked, enjoying the chaos that was in front of her.

"If you love him so much why don't you go live with him."

"Fine... I will just buy the damn plane ticket and I swear I will never come back here again!"

"I will... Bella will finally be able to get away from your poisonous mind."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes before speaking again.

"Goodbye Renee, I'll see you at my wedding. I know you won't be able to resist showing up, you'll have so much fun at the open bar being the boozer you were meant to be. Your speech will probably be you upchucking on the stage. It'll be a hit with the guest."

Renee and Bella's eyes widened with shock. Renee decided to speak up.

"Like you'll ever get married... no sane person would want to be with a disgraceful woman such as you."

I ignored her, I stopped at Bella and looked at her.

"Isabella... get away from her, you'll end up just as toxic and abusive as she is." I then ran upstairs and started packing my bags... eager to leave.

Flashback: OVER

I ran up the mountain and saw a glimpse of the fight, Victoria and Riley held Edward by the arms and neck. Bella stood there paralyzed in fear. I prayed that this plan would work, I tried creating that image of James again but instead... my body changed turning into him. I stood there for a second shocked before making my way up to them. Victoria froze in fear, Riley looked at her in confusion, and Bella and Edward didn't know what to think.

"J-james... how... how are you here? She isn't here is she?" Victoria asked.

I prayed my voice would've changed along with my appearance before I spoke.

"Who? Fleur... no no no, she's too busy dealing with the army you created with... this pipsqueak. I said, my voice was not of my own.

She dropped Edward, which in return made Edward throw off Riley who was then dragged away by a wolf... it seemed to be Seth.

"VICTORIA!" "VICTORIA HELP!"

Seth pulled him down the slope, I could still hear him scream on the way down. Edward just observed us, pulling Bella behind him again.

"James... you have to understand I did this for us, I thought you were dead. Why didn't you come and find me?"

"I did find you...but then I saw what you were doing, whoring yourself out there after you came back from Texas... persuading that man by kissing him the same way you kissed me. You're disgusting!"

"James no... please don't do this."

"You should know...we began this by me hunting you... you've always been my prey. And now..."

My voice switched back to my own.

"I will take you out the same way I intended to from the beginning."

Her eyes widened but before she could escape I snapped her neck, ripping her head off a few seconds later.

"Whoa..." I heard Bella say meekly.

Edward handed me a lighter he was carrying, I lit it and threw it on her body, it busted into flames. I saw Seth carrying Riley back up, he too was dead. I threw him in the fire too, making sure both of them were taken out.

"Fleur... Carlisle said you could make hallucinations... but you completely morphed into James." Edward said in shock.

"T-that's the first time I have ever done that..."

Before either of us could say anything Edward gasped.

"What is it?" Bella asked.

"Alice needs us to go...NOW!"

[arcadian-vampire]

[Chronic illness vent incoming, thick with mentions of a poor relationship with eating. You've been warned.]

I miss. when my illness was lesser.

I have this sinking feeling that this might just be my new normal- nausea and pain that force me to go days without eating, until I give in and risk it all for half a hamburger that tastes like heaven, but feels like hell later.

My hair comes out in clumps in my hands, tangling round my fingers and clogging the drain on the now rare occasion I shower. It's terrifying, I shake it loose from my hands numbly, I'm tempted to cut it all off so there's nothing more to lose. I don't have the energy for bouncy pigtails anymore anyways.

I sleep 12 or more hours, I'm up late into the night plagued with thoughts of having pancakes in the morning, of my favorite holiday that I missed because I was trapped in bed or the bathroom, of the holidays I'll miss later. My heart races when I finally wake long after the sun has risen, and when I drag myself out of bed, it's on wobbly legs, too tired to confidently hold my meager weight.

I'm starving. I don't know what day it is. I don't know how long it's been since I've eaten more than one small, dangerous meal a day. I miss food dearly, I miss each and every item I've added to my growing list of things I plan to devour "when this is over", if it ever ends. I miss when my family didn't breathe "I miss you" to my face, as though I weren't there. I'm not there anymore. They have dinner without me.

Most of all, I feel guilty. Guilty, guilty, guilty. It's my fault, isn't it? I must've done something wrong, my carelessness must've caused this. It isn't fair for me to whine about it, to express that I'm affected by my own shameful mistakes, the sins painted so clearly in bruises over my arms from the IV fluids I've been stealing to sustain myself.

I just desperately miss the time before my fragile health shattered. I miss the time when holding the pieces together seemed a little easier, when the shards of myself were less of a burden. I'm paralyzed by the fear that they'll grow even sharper still, that I'll crumble to dust, that this isn't even the worst that things can get.

I miss everything so deeply it aches. It's embarrassing.

[astersinmay]

10/16/21

before, i thought this was special. i suppose that's the romantic in me that still believes in soul mates and happily ever afters- in fairytales specially made for us two. before, i thought it was unique- you made me feel that way like every thought i expressed was something new and dazzling and you made me feel so utterly cool and it was so nice to be liked by you to be the subject of your affection. before, i thought maybe this is a good surprise- just what i needed since i seldom look for what i really need. i felt open like all the wrenching pain i'd been through was worth something, maybe. worth the feeling i get when you kiss me on the cheek and i absolutely melt inside. worth the tranquility when we're wrapped up and sighing into supple skin. worth the parasitic feeling in my brain when i can't stop thinking about you and i'm paralyzed laying in bed daydreaming in sounds and touches. worth the tingles that feel like dynamite blowing through the web of nerves knotted together in my spine when you bite me leaving crescent moon bruises to add to broke capillary constellations. before, i wasn't fearful. and is fear really at the heart of love? maybe it is. fear of the gaping hole left behind. the skeleton girl that will shuffle around aching at the exposure of bones of heart of brain- bending over to pick marigolds and lavender- never be able to give them as a gift again because now they're forever your flowers. is it any less if it isn't unique? isn't yearning for love yearning to feel the familiar fullness and warmth. we all assume our roles to complete the play. each act a new lover fulfilling the same lines, provoking the same feelings, pulling it out of me so easily you crept in through walls i had in place to avoid this. i didn't want this. i didn't want this. i didn't want this. i didn't want this. and now i don't know if i can stop myself. the cicada has flapped its wing. beady insidious red eyes. a humming in my mind that isn't going away. does this feel like a repeat for you. do i simply fulfill the motif, check the boxes? can i stop this now? do i want to stop this now? i feel so silly so stupid for telling you i'm infatuated on a side street next to the house with red lights. you thought you could, you were open to. but then she closed you off and how can i continue when i know you feel guilty for kissing me, feel guilty for holding my hand. do i feel shameful? i'm not shiny anymore. i'll just become someone you knew in a matter of time. the girl who foolishly opened up just to break down. how will you remember me? i'll remember you fixing my camera that i thought was broken by flipping a switch, something you knew to do because you read the manual. i'll remember you when i drink pumpkin beer and when i'm really missing you, i'll order a whiskey sour followed by a rum and diet coke and that will remind me of four hour conversations and how you said you'd sift through bloody toilet water to find the fetus we hypothetically lost or aborted because i said i wouldn't be able to. and i'll also think about private manhattan schools and senior spring breaks in the bahamas thinking you'd get arrested and put in bahama jail- terrified about it affecting your harvard acceptance. and any permits will remind me of you. horror movies. i'll think of your lip quiver and how cautious you were to spit in my face. i'll think of early morning walks and splenda in iced coffee and sixty dollar parking garage tickets. i'll think of these things in terms of concepts and even that will remind me of you. i'll think of wishes coming from fallen eyelashes and necklace clasps meeting the star of david or a dragon claw and how every time i wished for more time with you.

[clonesome]

Everytime I think about my future I am paralyzed with absolute fear. And then I bombard myself with never changing questions.

Will I ever leave the place I currently live? Do I dare to hope for mental stability? Or better payment at work?

I had a thought while at work tonight and it was coupled with the suicidal thoughts* I've been having. And it was, if I were to actually try and live on my own, as I am now. With what I make at work, it wouldn't be enough to pay rent/bills hell it wouldn't even come close. I would be too lonely, I have meltdowns whenever I am left truly one for more than three days. I don't drive, the very fucking thought of getting into the driver's side of a car terrifies me so much that I have an anxiety attack.

And.. I can't leave my cats and it would be cruel of me to try and move them somewhere else. They are all so happy here but I will not leave them here it wouldn't be fair becuase I am the only one who actually cares for them in ways that they need.

And I can't leave my niece. She needs me and that is the most important thing truly. She's so strong but so young and she shouldn't have to be as strong as she is becuase she is too young to go through what she has. And it pisses me off that her life has been so shitty. Becuase she doesn't deserve any of it. She deserves to be a happy kid that is able to grow up I to a happy teen and later a happy adult. And it's not fair that life has not dealt her these cards.

And all of these things may sound like excuses to some. I can see that. "Just learn to drive, it isn't that hard." "Get a place with a few friends, everyone does that now." "Look for a better paying job, or it's this or nothing."

I'm sorry. I'm just, not in a very good mental place anymore and haven't been for quite awhile. As have most if not all of you that just happen to read my bullshit. And I'm sorry if I tag this wrong and it adds to your mental hurt, that's never something I want to do.

*there is no plan, there has never been any serious plan. Ever. It's just the general feelings of if I die I wouldn't have to live in this situation anymore.

[bts5sosempire]

Freedom

A/n: a couple of things before I start lol, I'm not fluent in German so I Google stuff a lot 😂😂 so if you see them please pardon me. Plus this was in the draft for soooooo long that I just wanna kms cuz I forgot about it. Another thing I don't approve this kind of behavior too.

Pairing: Yandere! Kim Taehyung x Reader

Content: implied stuff, horror, scheme, manipulation, etc.

Words: 2,135

Prompt: “What's the different of give and take?”

Maybe it had been days? No, maybe it was weeks? Months or even a year? You don't know anymore, staying in this dark basement have deprived you of any human contact and light from the outside world. The chains shackling your ankles is enough proof to say that you were confined. Bruises formed around them long enough to tell that they were marred there. The entity.

Oh, how you long to be free.

Your story is a variance of like how Icarus had flown to close to the sun.

Instead of your wings burning off, it was your freedom and dignity taken. Two things that were given to you at birth. You would do anything to have them back. But in this, can you? If you can't, maybe in rebirth?

Many questions swirl in your head, enough to paralyze your thought.

But the sound of the heavy door caught your attention. The hair on your neck stands up instantly, as a horrible shiver ran throughout your entire body. This is enough to cause epilepsy. A small whimper made pass your lips, as you try to make yourself small as possible by scooting closer to the corner and hide from him. However, nowhere is safe from him.

Taehyung will find you no matter what.

Horrible fate isn't?

“Good morning,” his voice rang throughout the small space you were confined in, “I hope you're doing alright?”

Alright, wouldn't be the word you'd use in this situation you were in. It was more like killing you slowly and taking away your sanity little by little. Pieces of you being strip away and barring nothing but your skeleton and your vulnerable naked heart in front of him.

And that is something Taehyung prefer to keep it that way. Kind of mess up if you ask yourself about it. But he's the definition of that two words, ‘mess up’.

Your silence disturbs him.

“Why aren't you answering me?” he took a step and this cause you to recoil back into the corner tightly as possible. This causes him to stop in his steps. You fear to look at him right now, he may look harmless but that night—on that day—proved how dead wrong you were. You never have seen a person who smiles from joy by hurting others and in a slow torture style.

“You're that scared of me?” The words seem to lose their kindness in them. His hands start shaking uncontrollably. Breath getting ragged. The next thing causes the blood in your veins to burst with fear. He was crackling a burst of laughter, enough to haunt your mind for your entire being. Taehyung doesn't or maybe he does know, the things he does (to you) would be a tattoo in your mind. His hand made a slow movement to his waist and pull something, as a glint was shown in the dimly light basement.

“Let's play a game shall we?” he chuckles, and you whimper out of fear. Taehyung twirls the knife in his hand as he scrapes the tip of it against the brick pillar. The sound of two different elements making contact comes closer to your ears unpleasantly. You turn away and grip the hem of the tattered shirt, this time crying. You hate this, you want nothing to do with this any longer!

“Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers, let him go, eeny, meeny, miny, moe.” Taehyung voice stop abruptly and you bite your whimpers, in fact, you feel his presence just mere inches away, “My mother told me to pick the very best one, and that is YOU.” those words hit your ears with a strong shiver of horror. Tensing up, the tip of the knife trail up your back like water in reverse motion. But his trailing was very careful.

“If you win, you get to go free and I won't ever pursue you again.” His voice was low and eerie. The trailing stops in between your shoulder blades and stays there. “But if you lose, you will accept me wholly and be part of my life. How does that sound?”

Your silence was all he needs now, whether you like it or not.

.

Taehyung had made you ‘play find the treasure’, around the house there were three specific items he wants it to be found and you already found one of them.

The discovery was gruesome. It was his first victim already decayed body in the Iron Maiden. A key was stuck to its mouth, and you almost retch at the sight of it. The smell of death was strong in the room, even blood that was supposed to be washed away was stained there. He wants you to fetch the key from its mouth. You were hesitant about getting it, but if it means freedom from this hell-hole.

You are all in.

The second item was a code, but it was in a room filled with advanced math and equations, but you can make out the scribbles of white and red overlapping with each other. There were papers already prepared there. Like Taehyung already had planned this all along, since there were layers of dust coated the papers and desk.

You thought you were going crazy for a second as you saw repeated math equations, but you weren't. Taehyung did that on purpose. At first, you weren't sure of your going to get out if all the numbers are right since, you added them, subtract, multiply and even divide them but it doesn't make any sense at all! You were getting frustrated. What were you doing wrong?

Letting out a frustrated sigh, there was something bothering you. Taking a look at the ceiling and around you, there were more whites than red in the room. And the highest number you achieve was 27. The inner corner of your brows knitted together and you grab all the papers scattered around you. You had color coded them. There was a letter you had scribble next to the number when you had the answer. On each and one of them.

Looking around the room one more time, there was something laying in a forgotten corner. The paper folded neatly. You went over there and pick it up.

Unfolding it, it was only the alphabet letters. But it does make sense to you now. Each number represents an alphabet letter. You grab the papers that were filled with scribbles and jot down a letter next to them. But the red is more apparent than the white ones.

Freiheit ist nights, aber in Narrenwunsch.

You recognize it was in German.

But whatever it means, it's going to aid you in your freedom.

Running out of the room, you went to find the final piece of treasure.

.

Taehyung watches from the cameras in an unknown room, as he successfully saw you retrieve the key. He was neither anxious nor impatient, instead, he was rather very calm.

You were intriguing his mind more, very compatible. All he needs is to get you to join him is his misfortune and mischief, by ruling his side like the person he needed in this reign he's going to take over.

“Oh? She already solved it.” A small chuckle reverberates from his vocal cords. It didn't take long for you to solve the problems.

.

You run past the living room where you were supposed to be in there like fifteen minutes ago and you came back to find a computer hook up in cables and cords, as its links to a double door. Something made your skin crawl, it's not the cold air in this dark place. It's like you're being watched.

Making a small step at the bright computer, your eyes wince at the contrast. There was a question written on the computer screen.

What is freedom?

You type in the letters and press enter, and a click resonates around the room. The heavy doors open with a loud cry upon forces.

Everything in you pause for a moment.

A gust of strong wind push through the small gap of the door, you feel it rustle pass your unkempt self. Light peers through the dark room, making the darkness scramble away as it was eaten up. A breath of amazement escapes your lips, as you saw the landscape you were surrounded with. Wildflowers bloom everywhere, a giant lake down below the field, mountains far away with snow decorating their top.

Shaking your head, you cut off your thought. You need to get out of here!

Without wasting a moment, you set foot outside and it feels like many centuries have passed since you last visited the outside world. The rush of adrenaline filled you with excitement. A smile made on your dry lips. You pick up your speed and run towards the no path field of flowers.

Petals float in the air as your legs hit the wildflowers. The sun warms against your skin.

But the sound of a gunshot cut you short your freedom as you halt all movements. All feeling of happiness and childish self-flew away from you as fear regrips your heart again. You turn around and saw Taehyung there with a gun pointed in the air with a cynical smile. He then pointed it at you.

“Your freedom must've tasted good because it didn't last long.”

“You said you would let me go.” Your voice came out raspy because of the lack of use.

“But I didn't promise you though.” He comes close to you. Your legs start to buckle in fear and anxiety. “This was merely a lesson for you.”

“What?” Anger surge through you, like a breath of disbelief, filling your lungs.

“You know what ‘Freiheit ist nights, aber in Narrenwunsch’mean (Name)?” His terrifying eyes bore into your orbs, that look is enough to make your body lock under pressure, but you refuse to fall under his gaze. “It means freedom is nothing, but a fool's wish’. You get it to don't you? I let you escape like this to tell you how easy it is to take and give freedom. The words give and take are no different since they are so close to each other.” Taehyung closes the proximity. His hand went to capture your wrist with his one hand and twist them around your back. He pulls you close to him, chest to chest. This makes you struggle in his vice grip.

“Since taking away your dignity didn't break you enough, I would have to break your ambitions, your hope, your everything, and even the light that glimmer in your eyes.” The gun in his hand came dangerously close to you, as he traces the cool tip of the gun right down the side of your face. He leans his face close to you, just inches apart. “I will make you depend on me for the rest of your life. Want to hear a term for that? It's called Stockholm Syndrome. With enough deprivation of human contact, you will become eventually paranoid and start begging for my attention, then I'll make you learn how to love me.”

“You're sick!”

“I don't appreciate being called mentally ill (Name) after all, I'm not the one who killed their family and was label that.”

A snarl emits from your lips, as your anger override your emotions to think properly and words blurt out. “You think throwing the crime on me would make me come running towards you and kiss your feet? Instead, this made me hate you with a fiery passion that I run away and you're the one who came chasing after me instead! In fact, I appreciate if they killed me off sooner I wouldn't have to deal with your psychotic-”

A hand had made contact with your face. And you were shocked that Taehyung had just backhanded you! You bite your lower bleeding lip. “You don't mean it, you don't know what you're talking about. You don't hate me, you love me. Say that you love me.” Taehyung commanded the last sentence with the gun pointed under your jaw.

You give him a hard stare for a good few seconds before closing your eyes awaiting death if you don't answer.

“Open your eyes and say that you love me! Say it!” Taehyung tugs you.

Refusing to open your eyes, and the metallic metal was removed from your chin as you were pushed to the ground as the air was knocked out from your lungs. You open your eyes and saw him loom over you. There weren't any emotions shown on his face.

.

On that field, Taehyung was nothing more than an animal mask with the essence of the devil himself as he takes you there. He retook your everything.

[txicgf]

tbh I rlly wish I could reach out to someone about something for once, like actually maybe get real help? I'm not going to, but I wish I could. this time it's almost unbearable, I wanna act like my existential crisis is over but it's not, it's better but it's nowhere near to gone.

I feel like I broke my brain and I don't even know what's real anymore - genuinely I can't. My dissociation is all out of fucking wack and whenever I look into the sky it's like for a brief second I can see a giant planet crashing into the sky, and I can feel myself playing along with the fantasy as if I always knew it would happen. it goes away after a second but I feel like I can feel the earth moving, I can feel the vastness of space and how small I am and I am so scared and insignificant . . .

this is fucked up of me but I always was terrified of becoming one of those apocalypse truthers who are all paranoid or joining cults,,, the idea of wasting your life in anticipation and resignation for a fate that will never come was terrifying to me and is still to this day one of my biggest fears. I don't want to lose my logical sense, I don't wanna be ruled so much by my own fear. but I feel so fucking weird I don't know how to describe it ,,, I'm paralyzed in fear most of the time just by my own negative thoughts I can't seem to get in control.of, and when I DO find a distract long enough, the smallest thing will set me off. I can't look up at the stars anymore without being filled with a deep seated dread, I can't think about the future, I can't think of space, or my own body - I don't know what happened but everything sets me off into a paranoid spiral I can't leave for hours every day now. I hate it.

I don't know why I exist or how I exist and.how.i am just a bunch of chemicals all smashed togethers and I'm part of a species of animal that will one day be wiped out because space wants to fucking kill you and humans are chaotic and the universe will stop at nothing to return to it's baseline in the end. nothing. it'll all stop one day. I am so fucking scared of everything and I am simultaneously so gut wrenchingly terrified of death that I don't think I could ever actually kill myself, and am instead motivated to live as long as possible and as much as possible - but also so terrified of existence itself and so disillusioned with the world and my own skewed perception of the it that I ultimately isolate myself enough I can't connect anymore and just wish I didn't exist, and plan to either take my life or let myself succumb to my disordered eating, just so I can help the universe reach homeostasis once again. I feel like that sounds crazy, though :/

I just want to stop feeling like the world is about to end. the only other thing I can fucking focus on is my eating bullshit . I want to enjoy my life because it's the only one I have !!!!! I just can't shut my brain up and I don't feel real. nothing feels real. there are all of these nagging feelings at the back of my head that I have been able to distract from or avoid for years but I can't. and I can't shut them up and they're skewing my perception of reality and it's hard to just exist or be alone because my thoughts are so loud I can almost hear them. I hate this so much I hate it so much I just want quiet I want to be happy . . . I'm wasting so much of my youth and my life in fear but man I can't fucking move

i have my suspicions that this is all happening because subconsciously it's my brain being scared and stressed about the eating disorder shit I like to dabble in, the fear of dying from that and stuff turning into my apocalypse paranoia bc I don't rlly wanna face that what I'm doing to myself IS bad and I am scared of dying, because I know that just because I'm fat doesn't mean that the way Im living and currently treating my body isn't dangerous. that IS scary to me, and my brain is fucking right. I don't wanna know about that and will continue to pretend it isn't a thing actually so I guess I'll take the deep seated existential fear I can feel starting to be ingrained into my psyche if it means I can keep getting skinny bitch . who cares . . . gonna kill myself anyway. maybe it's that too, idk. it's also probably a mix of the weed and ill only say this here but learning about everything that happened w cam while stoned affected me a lot more that I realized or would like to admit I think. idk.

I just wish I didn't have to just hope that the world isn't going to end every night, I know normal people don't have to be scared like this. all of me is so convinced of these crazy fucking things and all I have to hold onto is hope they aren't true because I'm not sure of anything anymore. I just want it all to stop.