#i'm talking smack as though i wouldn't laugh if someone said they're from big dick field

[cedyat]

PSA: Tsar Alexander I liked dick jokes!

I think. Little Explanation: On the 5th of May 1807 while the war of the fourth Coalition is in full swing Frederick William III writes this inconspicuous sentence in a letter to his wife:

"The grand duke [Constantine] is in Schwansfeld, a name whose double meaning has greatly amused the Emperor [Alexander]."*

Schwansfeld can be translated literally as "swan's field" or "field of swans", but what is the other meaning?

Well, "Schwans-" sounds very similar to "Schwanz", a word meaning "tail". However, "Schwanz" can also mean dick. I looked up whether it was already used in this way 200 years ago and in fact: yes! It was already slang all the way back in the 1600's and even Goethe uses it. So with that in mind the other meaning would be "dick field". A theory that I feel is even backed up by the fact that the full name of this town is "Großschwansfeld" so -> "big dick field".

TL;DR: Either I am too dumb to understand a simple pun or one of the most powerful man of his time had the humor of a 12-year old.

* Briefwechsel der Königin Luise mit ihrem Gemahl Friedrich Wilhelm III, p. 299

[nakachuchu]

Love is in the Air or Not | Kuroo Tetsuro + Yaku Morisuke

SYNOPSIS: Harry Potter AU - Two boys are pining for you.

READER: female

WORDS: 2093

WRITTEN: 03/17/2021

NOTES: I rewrote this a lot of times and I read it so many times that I started hating it, so I'm not sure if anyone will actually enjoy it but I spent too much time on it.

You were one of the rare girls who didn't give into Kuroo. He was known at Hogwarts for being a player and being absolutely wicked at sex. It was why girls always crawled to him—but not you.

He wanted to know why it was so easy for you to resist his charms. He thought he was quite attractive, and for you to not agree was an insult.

Kuroo approached you while you were talking to a friend. You slowly turned around and looked up at the tall man as your friend shuffled away.

He grinned at you. "Go out with me."

You laughed with a smile as you reached up to fix his tie. "You're crazy."

The corner of his mouth twitched. "Is that a no?"

"It's a big no."

"Why not? I'm a catch," he said.

"Because it's obvious you just want to fuck me," you retorted.

"Aren't you even a bit curious?" he asked.

"No, but I am hungry," you said as you walked away from him to grab a muffin.

You didn't care for relationships or boys, so Kuroo was a no-go for you. You cared more about your friends and getting good grades.

The next day, Kuroo approached you once more in the common room. It was times like this where you wished you were sorted into a different House.

"Go out with me?" Kuroo asked with a flower bouquet in his hand.

The flowers looked as if he pulled them out of the dirt from the courtyard, and you wouldn't be surprised if he did.

You shook your head. "I'm not taking these."

Kuroo's arm swung back to his side. "Why not? Girls like flowers."

You fought back the urge to snatch those flowers and smack him on the head with it. "Not all girls like flowers and not all of them want to have sex with you," you retorted.

You left the common room without taking the flowers. Yaku walked in the room with a muffin in his hand and a book wedged in his armpit.

"Feels bad, doesn't it?" Yaku asked.

Kuroo's eye twitched. "Mouthy already, huh?"

"You tell me."

"Smartass," Kuroo commented with a snort.

"I don't know. Why don't you ask my ass? Here, it's been really calm today."

Yaku turned around and stuck his butt out. Kuroo rolled his eyes and shoved his back before smacking him with the flowers. Yaku turned back and whacked him in the face with his book.

"Dick," Kuroo muttered.

"Asshole," Yaku retorted. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe Y/N doesn't like you?"

"Every girl likes me. They just want to be fucked."

Yaku rolled his eyes. "I'm going to the library. You're annoying the fuck out of me."

"Please do, midget."

Yaku ignored him and walked toward the library with his school bag. He didn't expect to see you there, standing by a bookcase though. He approached you hesitantly and you smiled faintly once you saw him.

"Hey, Yaku," you greeted.

"Hey, Y/N. How's your day so far?" he asked.

"Kuroo hasn't stopped bothering me. It's a miracle he's not here right now. You didn't shrink him and hide him in your robes, did you?"

Yaku smiled as he stuck his hand in his robes and patted his body.

"I don't think he's in there, but if he is, then I probably squished him by then."

You chuckled. "With that ego of his, there's no way we'll be able to shrink him."

He snorted. "You can say that again. I could power a whole town with that ego."

"Try the whole world," you retorted.

The two of you paused before bursting out in laughter. Students nearby curiously looked at you and the librarian shushed you. The two of you zipped your mouths and did your best to not laugh.

You never failed to make him laugh. It was why he liked spending time with you.

The two of you met in your first year and it wasn't difficult to become friends with him. He was a bit shy at first, but eventually came out of his shell when you started smiling and telling jokes to him during class.

"What are you studying for?" you asked.

"Charms," he answered. "You?"

"Potions."

Yaku nodded. "My best subject is Potions."

"And my best subject is Charms," you replied.

"Wanna be study partners?" he asked as he nervously scratched the back of his neck.

"It would be an honor."

The librarian shushed you again.

The two of you looked at each other before forcing down your laughter.

You enjoyed spending time with Yaku. He was humble, smart, and had a wicked sense of humor.

"Y/N, another Outstanding for you!" the professor said as he passed back your test.

You smiled gratefully. Charms always came naturally to you.

"Kuroo, Poor. Was this lesson too difficult for you? You usually do so well."

"Ah, well, I've been a bit under the weather. Maybe Y/N could tutor me since she's so smart," said Kuroo lazily.

"That sounds wonderful!" the professor exclaimed.

You froze and dropped the book you were holding onto the desk. "Please repeat that, Professor. I'm afraid my hearing is a bit wonky these days."

"You should tutor Kuroo!" he repeated. "Lunch is about to start, so everyone may leave. Y/N, I expect you to help Kuroo raise his grades."

You and Kuroo left the room, side-by-side.

"There's no way you purposely failed that test to get me to tutor you, did you?" you asked.

"Who knows?" he questioned with a smirk.

Truth was, he did fail on purpose to get time with you. But it wasn't because he had a crush on you.

He didn't do crushes. It was difficult for him to get attached to someone because no one was worth his time.

"Your technique is all wrong," you critiqued. "Why do you move your arm around like a dead worm?"

After class, you immediately dragged him to a corner of the library to coach him.

Kuroo rolled his eyes. "You're meaner than you look," he said. "Everyone thinks you're this saint, but you're really not."

You raised an eyebrow. "I think I'm pretty nice."

"If you're nice, then go out with me," he countered.

"I'm not that nice."

"Are you sure? I'm pretty cute," he said.

"That's a good joke," you retorted.

He rolled his eyes. "Okay, but I actually do have a good joke. Why did the ketchup blush?"

"I don't know. I don't like ketchup."

"He saw the salad dressing."

You blinked. "That's...horrible. Are you a dad? You're making dad jokes!"

"Hey, they're good! Look, look, I have another one, okay? What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for a golf ball."

You snorted. "Okay, that's actually—" You started laughing. "That's actually pretty funny."

Kuroo never noticed how cute your laugh and snort was. He liked it when you loosened up around him, so he continued to tell bad jokes.

"Stop making me laugh!" you scolded. "I'm supposed to be tutoring you!"

Kuroo laughed in return. "Think of this as a break!"

"We've had a ten-minute break with me laughing and you telling jokes!"

Other students in the library were starting to get annoyed with the two. At first, they were intrigued by you spending time with Kuroo, but they started to get annoyed with how loud you were.

"There's nothing wrong with that," Kuroo responded.

"Maybe. Unless you're actually failing Charms."

"I'm not. I'm actually smart, you know."

You hummed. "No, I don't think I know."

"Will you go out with me?" he asked again.

It was so sudden, that you didn't know what to say. And when you looked at how serious he was, you nearly agreed.

But you had never dated someone before, and Kuroo was known for being a player.

"No," you said softly. "But for good reason. Maybe you should ask out someone else? Like you said, you're a catch."

He nodded. His mouth felt a bit dry and there was a bad taste in his mouth. He felt a bit uncomfortable but understood what you meant.

The two of you met in your first year, but you only knew him through Yaku. Their families knew each other, so they grew up together.

You and Kuroo weren't close to each other, but if you were around Yaku, Kuroo would normally appear to tease him.

Along the way, he got intrigued by how you never gave him the time of day.

The Winter Ball was coming up. Students were asking each other out left and a right. Everywhere you turned, a student would be asking another student to attend the ball with them.

"Are you going to ask anyone to the ball, Yaku?" you asked as you sat down next to him in the library.

He suddenly seemed frigid. "No!" he exclaimed.

"Shh!" the librarian angrily shushed.

"You seem very eager about that. It's all right. You don't have to tell me anything."

He fidgeted with the ends of his robes. "Y/N, do you want to go to the ball with me?"

Yaku liked you. It wasn't hard to tell, and while you could picture a relationship with him, you weren't ready for one.

You froze, the book in your hand balancing on the spine. "I wasn't planning on going to the dance. I don't like loud, crowded places," you explained. "Sorry. It's definitely not you. Um—let's just study, okay?"

He felt dejected, but it was better than you rejecting him for another person. He nodded and opened his book.

Kuroo looked up from the couch in the common room once he heard the door open. You casually walked in, waving to others with a book wedged into your armpit.

He got up from the couch and walked over to you. You paused as he stood in front of you with his signature smirk.

"Do you want to go to the Winter Ball with me?" he asked.

"Yaku didn't put you up to this, right?" you asked.

"No. Did he do something?"

"He asked me to the dance, like, an hour ago. I'm going to tell you what I told him. I'm not planning on going," you said. "Dances aren't my thing. I'll just be in the common room."

You turned around and headed up to your dorm.

Dances weren't Kuroo's scene, either, but he asked because he wanted to get to know you better. But, he didn't mind the idea of spending time with you alone while the others were at a dance.

Kuroo left the common room to find Yaku to get some answers. Because Kuroo wasn't stupid—regardless of how people thought—he knew Yaku would be in the library.

"Do you like Y/N?" Kuroo asked as he approached him.

Yaku nodded, looking up from his seated position. "Yeah, I do. Do you?"

Kuroo scoffed. "I don't know. She's pretty cool though."

"Who knows? Maybe she'll actually end up liking you—when pigs fly," Yaku added.

Kuroo scoffed. "She'd definitely pick me."

The boys stared each other down silently.

On the day of the dance, you were left alone in the common room. The fire was going and you had a book on your lap.

It was quiet and peaceful, and you liked it. Until two bumbling idiots ran down the stairs while arguing with each other.

You looked up from your book. "Really, boys? You couldn't have gone to the dance like the others?"

"Well, the girl we asked didn't want to go," Kuroo retorted as he jumped over the couch and sat next to you.

Yaku quietly sat on your other side. You closed your book and placed it on the table in front of you.

"Fair point," you said as you waved your wand to turn on the radio.

You leaned your head back and closed your eyes.

"What are you doing?" Yaku asked.

"Taking a nap. We're not going anywhere," you retorted.

The two boys looked at each other as you drifted off to sleep. You didn't mind their company as long as neither of them bothered you—mainly Kuroo.

"She'll never date you," Yaku said.

"How do you know that? I'm a catch. I bet she'll date me."

"I doubt that. I have a better chance than you," Yaku retorted.

Kuroo rolled his eyes. "A midget like you would never win."

The two began to quietly bicker with each other. They were rivals, after all, and this was only the beginning.

[keith-the-hoe]

The Glimmer Hoes Master Plan| Crack Fanfic Mini Series

Episode One: [X]

Episode Two: [X]

Episode Three: American Tour

Episode Four: [X]

Episode Five: [X]

Warnings:

This story will contain violence, sex scenes and a shit ton of foul language. It may also cause you to lose a couple of brain cells and fall into a state of confusion. Do not read if you are under the age of 16. Read at your own risk. Or Keef will eat your grandma.

Cast:

Mick Jagger

Keith Richards

Charlie Watts

Ronnie Wood

Bill Wyman

----------------

After the huge massacre in California, The Rolling Stones were on the run again. Keef was super ugly and devastated from his buddy, Mick, being brutally killed by the sus one. Who was going to sing for them? Charlie and Bill were sitting in the back seat with Mick's body next to them. Their van had broke down when they were out camping in the desert. So they elected Keef to push the van to the nearest town.

"Ah jeez..... Now who is going to be our whore front man?" Keef asked while he struggled to push the van over a speed bump.

"You do it" Billl said as he keep trying to get the body from touching him.

The Rolling Stones stopped by a mechanic shop that was also a coffee shop. California was burning hot. The sun was shining down on Keef so he took his clothes off. Bill and Charlie stepped out of the van and stood in front of the coffee shop.

"Hmm.... Some coffee wouldn't be so bad right now." Bill said to Charlie.

The only problem was, they didn't have any money on them. But Keef did so this whole sentence doesn't work at all. He took out a bunch of crumbled up dollar bills from his underpants. Penis money was what he always called it in case of emergencies. Bill didn't want to touch it so he told him to hold onto it. They walked into the coffee shop. There was no one in there but some weird guy with a big nose reading a news paper. They all sat down at the counter and waited for someone to attend them. A lady with a cheese ball outfit went up to them to take their order. Keef really wanted bananas. Bill and Charlie just ordered eggs and bacon like normies do at coffee shops. Keef kept spinning around his stool and noticed that the big nose whore was looking at them. He got sus so he just walked in the bathroom to take a piss. Or at least that what he made big nose whore think. Keef walked over to the mechanic shop to check on their van. Then he remembered that he left Mick in there. He went into a panic. Bill and Charlie had already taken him out of the van but didn't tell him. Keef searched the van but didn't see him in there. Charlie went outside to see what kind of shenanigans he's up to this time. Keef turned into a mad monkey.

"Jesus! Calm down you fooking dumb fuck of a monkey!" Charlie said. "If you're looking for whore Mick, we hid him behind the dumpster until the van gets fixed."

Keef just stared at him. He felt better now that he knew that his side hoe was okay. He walked around the mechanic shop and saw a bunch of car parts. He got a very good idea. He grabbed the parts, some oil cans, and his guitars. Told ya they might come in handy for later. Charlie stood there in confusion watching Keef once again do something stupid.

"Be hold!!" Keef yelled.

Charlie rolled his eyes at him. He seriously wondered why he's even in a shitty ass band with a very stupid monkey. Keith removed the tarp from his very fantastic creation.

"Wot in the actual fuck did you just make?" Charlie asked sounding annoyed.

Keef chuckled. "You dummy! It's Mick!" He said as he leaned on it only to knock it over. He has built a cyborg Mick as a replacement for the real Mick. Charlie was not amused. Bill came out of the coffee shop with the big nose whore holding a knife to his neck. He was pretty calm about it. Charlie panicked.

"Woah woah! Hey! easy there cowboy! Put the knife down! We can talk this through!" Keef said as he slowly walked up to them.

Charlie was examining the piece of junk. He was trying to figure out how it worked. Cyborg Mick smacked him hard in the head and did Jagger moves.

"Wot is that?" Bill asked as big nose whore held the knife closer to his neck. He remained calm.

Keef explained since they no longer had the real Mick, they could use a artificial one. He programmed it to be exactly like Mick. He even gave him a dick since Mick LOVES to be screwing around with random ass hoes. Charlie cut him off by yelling at him that Bill is being held hostage.

"Oh.... right.... that....." Keef said with a nervous chuckle.

He slowly approached them but big nose whore kept walking away. Keef threw a punch only to get his arm sliced by the knife.

"Owie! Damn! I need this arm to play guitar!! Son of a bitch!" He yelled as he threw a rock at Charlie.

"You play guitar?" Big Nose Whore asked. Bill used the opportunity to run to Charlie and jumped in his arms. Just imagine that though lol. Keef looked at them both confused but he ignored them. Cyborg Mick went up to Keef and big nose whore.

"Greetings, I am Mick Jagger, yes this Monkey whore plays guitar." He said.

Big Nose Whore put his knife away and began to laugh his ass off.

"Well why didn't you say so!? Bitch I play guitar as well!" He said.

Bill and Charlie rolled their eyes. Just what they needed, another dumbass. The van was up and running again. The Rolling Stones were relieved to finally have a working vehicle. Keef and big nose whore became besties and offered to give him a ride. The only thing he wanted to ride was- okay don't be nasty. He accepted the offer and hopped in the van. He sat next to Bill who was already annoyed by his presence. Cyborg Mick kept smacking Charlie in the head.

"Jesus! Keith get your damn sex robot under control!" He yelled.

Keith scratched his head trying to figure out why Cyborg Mick did that. He figured that he set it to fightey mode instead of normal Mick mode. He turned the switch which got Keith's balls kicked. He screamed in pain and Big Nose Whore just laughed at him. Charlie seriously wondered how he even ended up being stuck with a bunch of idiots. Bill also wondered the same thing. They also later learned that Big Nose Whore's name is Ronnie because of course it was. They also learned that he bites people. They had to find that one out the hard way. Keith began to discuss how they're going to be touring with a broken robot and a missing rhythm guitarist. Ronnie got a splendid idea. He drank orange juice. So really he didn't have a splendid idea. I know how to grammar properly.

"Assholes I can be your rhythm guitarist." He suggested.

Charlie said no. He was not about to deal with another dumbass that was going to kill his bestie. He just wanted to go home. Cyborg Mick yelled at Charlie to shut up and he doesn't get to make the decisions around here. A tear ran down his face. Cyborg Mick accepted Ronnie to be a part of the band.

"Sweet! So where are we headed?" He said with a wide smile.

Cyborg Mick started doing weird beeping sounds. Keef programmed him to be their GPS which he didn't even know he could do. They got directions to a small motel near a small town in San Francisco. They didn't question it and drove there.

"Ooooh motels are quite fun, they have all sorts of things to do there." Ronnie explained.

"I hate motels." Bill replied as he lit a cigarette.

"Oh shut it you! You love going there to screw every single girl you lay eyes on!" Keef yelled.

"I have a wife." Charlie said.

"Why screw girls when we can screw each other!" Ronnie replied.

The whole van turned into an argument about fucking people. Cyborg Mick just kept driving without saying a single work to them. He was super horny though, just like the real Mick. Only thing is, this one actually has a dick, unlike the real Mick. They parked in front of the lobby. The van went silent. The Rolling Stones all slowly looked at each other. Who was going to go in there and ask for rooms?

"Alright....." Keef said in a low voice. "In the count of three...... One-"

They all touch their noses as they yelled "NOT IT" even though Keith wasn't even at three. That meant that he had to go in there and ask for rooms.

"Ugh! Son of a bitch! Why do I have to do everything!? Jesus you all don't work for shit! The only thing you all are able to do is be a bunch of whores!" Keith said as he stepped out of the van. Then there was another problem. Who was going to share rooms? Bill and Charlie looked at each other. Guess they're sharing rooms. Keith stood in front of the lobby as the secretary checked for any available rooms. Turns out there was one room with a king sized bed and one with two singles. Keith sighed deeply and paid without any further questions. He walked over to the van to tell them about the rooms. Ronnie claimed the room with two singles. Cyborg Mick also claimed that room. That left with Bill, Charlie and Keith with the room with a king sized bed. This was going to be an awkward night. Bill and Charlie told Keith to fuck off. They didn't want a monkey to be sleeping in the same bed as them. Cyborg Mick put his arm around Keith.

"Me and you can share beds...." He said seductively.

Keith actually didn't mind sleeping in the same bed with Mick. He's his buddy and he's known him since they were in nappies. So he agreed to doing so. Bill hates them both so much that he is planning on doing some murdering. The Rolling Stones went to their room. Cyborg Mick went a little overboard and took Keith to bed with him. Ronnie just stood there eating Doritos that he found in the bathroom. Just another normal day for him.

"Oooh! Make sure to not scratch him up a bit with all of those metal bolts in there....." Ronnie suggested.

Keith just glared at him but then he got a stupendous idea. He removed his clothes. Ronnie was completely lost and wondered why he just did that. Cyborg Mick got turned on by such view.

"Wow! The Rolling Stones really are a wild band! I'm so glad I am a part of it!" Ronnie yelled in excitement. He looked around the room. There were a bunch of used rubbers stuck on them. Beautiful decorating. Cyborg Mick stretched his arm out and pulled Ronnie into bed. They all laid on top of each other and got really funky. Bill and Charlie, who were in a room over, were sitting on the bed watching the telly. Strange noises were coming from the room that Keith was staying in. Bill shook his head in disappointment.

"We haven't even been here for 2 seconds and they're already screwing around? Jesus can there be a-" Bill said as Charlie cut him off with a smack. Bill is a big hoe so the things he is complaining about are extremely irrelevant so he cannot be talking and that is on period 💅. They heard a loud boom outside where the pool was. Charlie was certain that Keith, Mick and Ronnie were up to no good so he went out to check. He saw a telly on the first floor. Turns out Led Zeppelin were also staying in those motels and were the ones who threw the telly out their window. Charlie hated them. He went back inside of his room only to see a naked Bill laying in bed with a bunch of rose petals and candles around him. He was genuinely confused.

"Hey babe..... Why don't you come over here and have some fun eh?" Bill said in a low voice.

Charlie just wanted to go home because according to him, he is happier there then when he is with the stones. Haha I'm using his words against him. He sighed and just went with the flow because Yolo. They really got into it up until they heard screaming from the other room. Bill and Charlie looked at each other.

"Oh wow, they seem to be having a very splendid and wild time...." Bill said.

Charlie rolled his eyes and decided to just ignore them. Keith bursted into the room. He was covered in blood. Bill and Charlie just stared at him with a scared look.

"I-its not wot it looks like....." Bill said with an awkward chuckle.

Keith was breathing heavily and couldn't gather his words. He just began to babble and making hand gestures and so on and so forth.

"Jesus! Use your words bitch!" Charlie yelled.

Keith finally calmed down. "That fucking robot piece of junk just tried to kill me!" He yelled.

Charlie looked at him from head to toe. He was seriously done with The Rolling Stones. He didn't even want to know why he was naked and covered in blood. Ronnie came running in also naked and covered in blood. Charlie just sighed in disappointment. Why is he in a band full of dumbasses.

"Why are you both naked and covered in blood?" Bill asked as he lit a cigarette.

Turns out Cyborg Mick was set in fightey mode instead of sexy time mode and had tried to kill them both by using chainsaws and cheeseballs. He managed to injure Ronnie which caused a whole bunch of blood splattering meaning that he is slowly dying. Charlie had to act fast because clearly these idiots are not going to do so. They all put their clothes back on but Keith couldn't find his pants. Too bad he deserves it. The Rolling Stones jumped in the van that had been vandalized by Led Zeppelin.

"Ughh those fucking hippie bastards!" Charlie yelled as he set the van to drive. Keith held Ronnie's hand. He didn't want to lose him. He has only known him for 5 hours. Ronnie didn't seem to have a problem about the fact that he got attacked by a Mick robot. He just kept smiling and bullied Charlie for having a unibrow.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Marlene

Ali: Hey babe, sorry I missed rehearsal, know you rocked it regardless  💋 Marlene: Kind of need our lead singer to do that. Instrumental wasn't the vision for the track, babygirl Marlene: Where did you have to be? We could've rescheduled Ali: I know, I know, my bad! Make it up to you Ali: Ugh, got detention, didn't I Ali: don't even get me started on that Marlene: Make it up to me alone or me and the band? Marlene: Little rebel Marlene: Can't have you getting in more trouble by ditching, can we? Marlene: I'll add in another rehearsal, the girls won't mind Ali: Why not both? Ali: Come over and I'll record the vocals for you Ali: You know it boo 👩🏼‍🎤 Ali: Exactly, even though I'm fully staging a protest tomorrow Marlene: That's my girl Marlene: I'll be there front and centre, lending my voice to the movement Ali: Aww, so supportive Ali: cute 😉 Ali: I've rallied all the usual suspects so it shouldn't be a flop Ali: we have the allotted hours, like, if they fail to control us in 'em, why add more, yeah? pointless, where's the logic Marlene: Making me so proud to have you on my arm Ali: As you should be Ali: Though that arms not bad 💪 Marlene: I wouldn't be the best bassist in this shithole if it was Ali: One track mind 😏 SUCH a bassist Ali: don't you ever break that focus? Marlene: It has been known Marlene: For the right girl Ali: Introduce me to her some time, yeah? Ali: Get some tips Marlene: You know her pretty well Marlene: The name's Alison, like the song Ali: So soft Ali: Still say we do a Elvis Costello and Dolly mashup Ali: idc what you say, Jolene is a bop and you need to own it Marlene: If I can hear you do an original Elvis cover, I'll think about it Ali: Fine, I'll happily sing about myself all day Ali: can even get the accent down, thanks Ma Marlene: I'll be waiting for that Marlene: The girls are asking if you need posters or anything else for the protest? Anything to stick around and drink more Ali: Patience, babe Ali: Gotta save these pipes for the protest Ali: Feel free to go for their lives, like Ali: Bear in mind if they use too many expletives, the School ain't gonna listen tho Ali: creative language, not colourful, ladies Marlene: No promises on getting them to dial back the reclaimed slurs Marlene: But we'll leave off calling the teachers the cunts they are Marlene: For you, our glorious leader Ali: 🙇 down Ali: I'll take it, they're not going to go anywhere near hate speech vibes, too risky Marlene: Tempting offer Marlene: I'll take you up on it when we're alone Ali: Yeah? Gonna skip rehearsal more often then Marlene: For revolution and no less, babe Marlene: But I have missed you Ali: The revolution's always rolling, babe Ali: I can't stop the wheels of change, you know Marlene: I know you want me to make a rock and roll pun Marlene: But I refuse Ali: Boooooo 👎 Ali: too punk for me now? Marlene: Not gonna quote a dead white man either, not even Lennon Marlene: You're still my little punk princess, you know Ali: Throw some Yoko craziness at me Ali: 👑 Marlene: Keeping it back so the protest won't flop. Can't let it Ali: Sure, you just don't wanna get on the rooftop with your mates Ali: someone'd fall, or get pushed 😂 Marlene: Not me or you Marlene: With these arms we're safe Ali: 🔫 pew pew Ali: they wanna try me, bitch Marlene: We should fill up supersoakers for those who are anti our message Marlene: Piss on their negativity in a literal sense Ali: not with actual piss, right? Marlene: You have to start thinking punk rock, babe Ali: I am not pissing into a supersoaker Ali: not dying to prove my aim is as good as a man's like Ali: you do you, babe but I'll leave it at good old fashioned water Marlene: Now who's deserving the boos and jeers Marlene: So regal of you Ali: what can i say? my idea of a good time isn't pissing on my own hands Ali: crazy, i know 😉 Marlene: How true my love is Marlene: Any time's a good time with my baby Ali: 💙 Ali: forreal tho, what are we doing this weekend Marlene: There are a few parties Ali: where Ali: i wanna go as far away as poss Marlene: They're local, usual suspects Marlene: We can do something else Ali: Think of something better, yeah Ali: I'm sick of the locals at the mo Marlene: I'll come back to you with a plan Ali: 💋 Ali: that's my girl Marlene: What am I good for if I can't take you away from this shithole? Marlene: Not like it's that hard Ali: You got your license, 'til I got mine I'm at your beck and call, like Ali: Your Ma will be cool, yeah? Doesn't need to be long, just long enough to breathe Marlene: I'll make a deal with her Marlene: Name drop you since she's a fan Ali: Such a parent pleaser 😇 Marlene: If you sang it she'd do anything you say Marlene: Thinks you've got the voice of an angel for sure Ali: Aww, what a babe Ali: like mother like daughter 😏 Marlene: She had her moments of hell raising Marlene: Would to this day if it was possible Ali: Imma ask her all about it when I see her Ali: fo'sho Marlene: That'd make her happy Ali: Who doesn't love being scandalous? Marlene: Whoever gave you detention Ali: Give you three guesses 😑 Marlene: I don't need them Marlene: Most are in your fan club too Ali: Exactly Ali: Don't teach R.S. if you can't handle healthy debate Marlene: Yeah. We live in Dublin not a dictatorship Ali: Honestly Ali: Some people really wanna take it back to the troubles Ali: Shouldn't have said as much but chill, dude Marlene: Freedom of speech, babe Marlene: I've lost count of how many teachers I've called homophobes Marlene: Gotta speak up Ali: True Ali: you are a bit quick on the draw sometimes, like Marlene: I'm not letting them get away with it Ali: Just sayin', plenty of reasons to give you dirty looks, babe, not all of 'em that you're gay 😜 Marlene: I'm a perfect gentleman and you know it Ali: True Ali: You don't look it tho Marlene: You don't look like a rebel queen Marlene: And yet Ali: I know looks are deceiving, tell it to the homophobes, babe 😏 Ali: also you gotta stop with the compliments 😾 Marlene: But everyone's clearing out. It's the perfect time to shower you with them Marlene: Where do you wanna be? Here or there Ali: When bae only sweet talks you when their mates aren't about Ali: SUCH a fuckboy, darling 💋 Marlene: You know what I was getting at, darling Marlene: We can be alone finally Marlene: But only if you're in the mood Ali: I'll come over Ali: as much as my Ma is also a fan, just yours like, not so much mine Marlene: Let me pick you up Marlene: It's too dark for that shit Ali: Nah, I wanna walk Ali: gotta burn off the energy I didn't get to rock out Marlene: Hold your keys since you won't take my knife off me Ali: Don't worry Ali: My Da beat you to the self-defense lesson, like Ali: I'm sweet Marlene: If I'm not there to protect you, I'm bound to worry Ali: You worry too much, baby Ali: Good thing I'm coming to take all your cares away Ali: and I've got bud, naturally 🚬 Marlene: And I hid some drinks from the vultures Ali: Party of two 😘 Marlene: When you get here. Until you do I'm sitting on the floor alone writing shitty songs about you Ali: Try and write a good one, will ya? Not having it bandied about that I'm a shit muse 😉 Ali: you could never Ali: gonna play for me when I get there? Marlene: Been trying since I met you, babygirl Marlene: It's not you, it's me Ali: Nah Ali: there's a hit in there, I just gotta try harder Ali: as you're so anti-establishment, your brain is noping on writing a bop that everyone will love Marlene: I want you to love it Marlene: You're the one it's for Ali: I'm excited to hear Ali: assuming I don't get shanked on the way by the big bad wolf Marlene: Your tragic early death isn't the inspiration I want or need Ali: Tell it to the TV writers, hun Ali: angry protest song #765 Marlene: I'll sing you my shitty song and you can die laughing Ali: Never Ali: cross my heart Marlene: And fingers that I can patch together a chorus that doesn't make me wanna die before you get here Ali: 🤞 Ali: I have faith enough for two Marlene: As an angel, you kind of have to bring it Ali: No pressure 😓 Marlene: I'm more than okay with you lacking it, stick it to your detention giver over again Marlene: And I love you, so forgiven most sins Ali: A benevolent Goddess you are Marlene: Modeled on the original lesbian in the sky Ali: Debated theology enough today to live and let live on that one babe Marlene: Promise I'll save the angry lesbian god essay recital for another night Ali: You're a doll 💋 Ali: Oh, hold up, I see my ex Ali: ready for this awkward convo in 3 2 Ali: brb Marlene: Bet you want me to pick you up now, don't you? Ali: [15 mins later] Ali: That was wild Marlene: What the fuck, Ali Marlene: I was about to start searching for you Ali: Soz, more chatty than I remember Ali: only gone at got someone pregnant hasn't he Marlene: Dodged a bullet Ali: Tell me about it Ali: Still out on the town tryna get some though Ali: is that the new come on? I'm fertile! Marlene: In this town, likely Marlene: Which ex is it? Ali: #4 good drugs, bad teeth Ali: the one who lowkey stalked me after and my brother had to smack him one Ali: good times, unexpected detour down memory lane there but got us some freebies so Marlene: It took 15 mins to get what you're owed, how long does he take over customers who aren't his stalked exes Marlene: bad business is what you should've called him Marlene: Or manners Ali: names are definitely open to workshopping Ali: he had to show me the scan pics, duh Marlene: Had to do the whole come on Marlene: fucking pig Ali: Bless Ali: have your fun whilst you still can, kid Marlene: not with my girlfriend Ali: don't worry babe, got the drugs for free free Ali: not suck my dick free Marlene: Are you gonna be here soon Marlene: I can still bring the car Ali: Yeah, I'll get a wriggle on Ali: 5 minutes if I run Marlene: If you don't run into any more exes first Ali: cities littered with 'em Marlene: If you didn't date men you could stay friends with them Ali: why would I wanna do that? Ali: I've seen your dyke drama, a no thank you Marlene: I don't have dyke drama Marlene: You're the one trying to avoid the awkward Ali: 😏 Ali: I don't care, its funny Ali: he wasn't that bad, really Ali: don't need to add every ex to my inner circle though, that's a madness Marlene: He stalked you Marlene: He's an asshole Ali: Not properly Ali: Just had issue letting go as fast as I did, who can blame him 😘 Marlene: It's not funny, Ali, it's fucked Ali: So serious 😾 Ali: It ain't like he locked me in his basement, I get to decide how fucked it was or wasn't Marlene: You get to brush it under the carpet too, doesn't make it right Ali: 🙄 you're as bad as my mother Marlene: maybe she's got a point Ali: Ugh, don't need to point score, she already likes ya, babe Ali: he's just a stupid kid, not fucking Bundy, yeah, let's chill Marlene: He doesn't have to be Bundy to be held accountable, babe Marlene: He's gonna be someone's dad Marlene: What the fuck Ali: for what? being a bit of a prick at 16 Ali: s'not a crime, last time I checked Marlene: it doesn't have to be Marlene: Lads think they can do whatever they want Marlene: They can't and shouldn't Ali: Nah, this isn't a soap box moment, babe Ali: we all do things we know are wrong, and ain't proud of Ali: 'cos of how we're feeling Ali: Honestly, not a big deal Ali: and not an exclusively male thing, that's a crock of shit Marlene: If I was heavy handed with one of my exes I'd get so much shit Marlene: He gets boys will be boys Marlene: It's not a big deal because you're making excuses for him Ali: From who? The lesbian mafia? Ali: Straight girls are INSANE Ali: way worse than #4 was ever Ali: I'm not gonna burn him at the stake for something I don't believe in Marlene: Straight girls are a whole other subject Marlene: Last I checked you didn't have any of them as exes so no really the point Ali: That you know of Marlene: I know about every one of your exes Ali: Okay, Liam Neeson Ali: can't be calling out stalkers when you're breathing down the phone like that 😂 Marlene: You're not funny Ali: I am though Ali: but I ain't coming over if you're gonna be such a downer Marlene: Are you serious? Marlene: Your jokes are so bad I can't tell Ali: Duh Ali: Killing my vibe, babe Marlene: You're basically here Ali: So? Ali: I can keep walking into this dark night Marlene: So come in Marlene: I'm sorry, baby Ali: You promise you're gonna stop being lame? Marlene: Cross my heart Ali: Okay, lemme in then