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#i'm supposed to smile and give a measured response when a new coworker asks my other coworker and me
yeahlikethebird
·
4 months
Text
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#it's 1am and i'm depressed and don't want to go to bed
#there's such an unbelievable amount of century-defining tragedy and horror in the world rn
#and i know that’s always true but jfc we know about so much more of it simultaneously now
#like i'm supposed to be chill and functional in the face of war pandemic climate change forever chemicals micro plastics and fascism?
#and and and?
#i'm supposed to smile and ask follow-up questions when people tell me about vacations to Hawaii
#rather than shaking them and saying holy fuck stop doing that please learn about the ramifications and historical context of your actions
#i'm supposed to smile and give a measured response when a new coworker asks my other coworker and me
#when they can/SHOULD use generative AI *for work purposes*
#rather than screaming and throwing articles at them about the environmental impact of LLM bullshit
#and that's all large scale
#that's not getting into the fact that there's a growing family chilliness over refusal to communicate about I/P shit
#or the fact that my mom is dying slowly and hates it and is worsening her relationship with my siblings little by little
#or the fact that I'm peeling away at my sanity trying to process a divorce and get healthcare for my cat and dental care for myself
#or the fact that it takes hours of research to find DISH SOAP THAT DOESN’T KILL THE MICROBIOMES OF THE LOCAL WATER SUPPLY
#(10/10 recommend 'blueland' for that if you're reading btw)
#like i'm painfully aware of the back-patting level of efficacy that i have for buying different soap and going to the farmer's market
#but there's only so much i can do so i have to try to do what i can right? but it's so little and everything is so much
#and my mental health is a mess; the fact that my particular neurotype is known to get more volatile with age scares the shit oit of me
#like it's this bad at 33 and it gets WORSE?
#my job is great for personal privilege but so *so* meaningless and redundant
#and how tf do i look at all of this and not feel fucking hopeless?
#i can distract myself with my garden but the candide approach was myopic even in the 17th century so it's hard to justify now
#I'm so tired
#just... fuck man
#tag rant
#i should delete this but I'll forget if you read this far i hope it wasnt damaging to your mental health
#i just had to let off the brain scream pressure somewhere
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