#i'm super super super late so hopefully tomorrow i can manage my time and post the 2 sets i should've already done lol

[dailylumi]

Jan 5th

Well looks like I forgot to write the second part for yesterday but oh well we move on and don't think about it.

I think today was a better day overall than the past few days in all honesty. I mean it was still a mixed bag kind of day but the good really carried me through the day to be honest.

To start, I've been really sleep deprived lately and today was no exception. I slept somewhere between 6-7 but I forgot about ember's appt so I had to get up at 9 to take him. Feel like that was my own fault among my other issues with sleep and my avoidance of it. But yeah very off state as usual and while I wasn't grumpy I felt a bit sensitive and just overall dread this morning.

I already feel embarrassed writing this next part cause I know they read this SAKSLDJ

I think the main turn around for the day was a phone call with my bff. I don't know it just meant so much and was just so nice. They're such a grounding person for me and I'm always so grateful with just everything. I dont know just the phone call made me finally feel like time slowed down for a second and forget about everything for a little while. It's kind of ironic since the time went by so fast on the phone LMAO. Really it was the sense of connection for me through the phone call. I know that I am always connected with them and I bother them literally all day but mental illness and boundaries just makes me feel disconnected when I know that isn't it all.

I feel like that left me with a lot of serotonin and feeling of ease like I was okay for the day. I feel like they do that a lot for me :( I tried to make myself sleep but I couldn't really force it so I read manga until I passed out for like 40 minutes. It was really short and I felt more tired when I woke up but I think it's probably good I got a bit more rest.

The rest of today felt slow. I didn't know what to really do but I ended up cutting my hair since it has been a bit. I think I'm always frustrated with my hair. It feels like there is nothing I can do with it and Ive just had the same overall short hair style my whole life. If it grows past a certain point it just becomes too curly to manages and dries out super fast. I wish I could experience a different hairstyle but that feels like a reach both from logical standpoints and from my lack of self esteem on the matters. I feel like id just look weird doing something new. One day I should try dyeing it maybe I wanna try.

Thinking about the future there is just so much that feels overwhelming but at the same time I know I'm not completely alone regarding it. I don't really wanna talk about the things changing in the future but maybe my worries.

Ive been so worried about the future and meeting people. I am someone who is so bad at first impressions and worried about upsetting others. I know that I would try my hardest to get along and not cross lines with people but Ive begun wondering if any of my habits would cause any issues. I just don't want to be hated or do something off putting especially since I can be unaware of things at times.

On a separate but slightly connected note I feel like I should try to be more outgoing and form an actual friendship. I think I am still acting a bit stand offish and shy and thats because I really am but also like what if I am hated lmaoo I usually don't care if others hate me because I am mostly disconnected from people but it feels like I can't be like that right now. It helps nothing and my anxiety won't let me.

Sometimes I really wonder if I ever let myself breathe or am I just someone stuck in an endless loop of mental illness and self deprecation lmao

I'll never really know but I don't think the answer matters as long as I don't cause others to feel suffocated by my issues and presence.

I think tomorrow might be a bit of a better day. I might see a friend in person that I haven't seen in like 7 months. So that might be interesting.

Can't believe I'm on a three day streak of posting. Hopefully I can continue

[romelle]

can i humbly request some lance headcanons (with a dash of kl)? i'm not having the best of days rn, mental health wise, and your headcanons always make me smile <3

i'm really sorry about not seeing this sooner 😥 here's a super long post to hopefully make up for it

lance, holding his camera like he's making a vlog: day 175 of being single in space! doing good, having a fun time. this morning keith raised my chin up with the point of his sword and i blacked out for solid five minutes.

animals love him. this is a fact.

allura, after hearing him talk to kaltenecker: do the two of you have a mind link too?

lance: nah, it's just fun. don't you ever talk to the juniberries?

allura: never, no

lance: you should! flowers love that junk. especially when you tell them they're pretty

allura: i would lay down my life for you

this charm extends to sentient lions, too. whenever he's homesick, he talks about it with blue. it's easier to remember things when connected to her, so he doesn't have to worry about forgetting anyone's face

however sometimes... their connection is a curse

lance: thank you for the talk, beautiful!

blue: of course, paladin. but there's also a different talk i wanted to have with you.

lance: oh? shoot.

blue: not shoot, only talk.

lance: no, yeah, right. go for it

blue: i noticed the feelings you've been having around the red paladin lately, and i thought that i should let you know that it's perfectly natural to-

lance: haha alright not doing that. where’s the eject button

he talks about it with the team, too. usually they're very nice, but sometimes he gets so dramatic that they can't not tease him about it

allura: lance? is everything alright?

lance: yeah, yeah.

lance: it's just that, my sister veronica has a dress like that.

hunk: really? i didn't even know that veronica wears dresses

lance: i mean, it was no ball gown. and hers was blue, not pink. and the material was different. and the sleeves. and the bodice. because there was no bodice. because they were jeans.

hunk: ...why are you like this

pidge: i love you, but you're so annoying

lance, flopping back onto the couch, an arm over his forehead: ronnie used to say that

whenever someone asks him for an autograph, he signs it with lancey lance, and then also adds little sparkles around the name

lance is the one who makes sure the team bonds beyond just the standard exercises. he did it with pidge back at the garrison, and he'll do it with keith now, even while still managing their rivalry

lance: so are you coming to the game night or?

keith: you... want me to?

lance: obviously

keith: oh. i guess i thought that it's just for the three of you

lance: no way. beating hunk and pidge won't be half as fun as beating you

keith: this again. why are you so set on beating me?

lance, in his head: because i have a huge crush on you and want your attention, but i don't know how else to get it

lance, out loud: can't let myself be bested by a guy with a mullet

allura is also a hard one to crack. this is mostly because human and altean definitions of team bonding are WILDLY different 

allura: i'm so glad you suggested that we have this bonding session lance! i had a lot of fun training with you

lance, on the floor, wheezing: great. me too.

allura: shall we say the same time tomorrow?

lance: uh, about that

lance: not that i don't enjoy getting my ass kicked by a pretty girl every time we hang out, but maybe we could do something a little different?

allura: of course! what did you have in mind?

lance: uh. i dunno. what do you usually do for fun?

allura: ...do you know those chairs with little wheels that we have?

lance: sure

allura: sometimes i take one of those and roll around the castle.

allura: or i just hang out with the mice! they're really good at juggling. i've also been talking to the juniberries, like you told me to

lance:

lance: are you aware of the fact that you're perfect

allura: yes :-) now should i get the chairs or what

he's a smart guy! he works on the battle strategies with shiro and allura, helps pidge learn altean, shows hunk some piloting tricks, teaches coran all about earth, and he's always the one keith turns to for an explanation if there's something he doesn't understand

doesn't stop him from being a goof, though

keith: (walks into a room)

keith:

keith: can you please stop doing that

lance, clearly holding his holoscreen and pressing play on a booing sound effect: doing what

one day he accidentally presses the wrong thing, and then a super cheesy love song starts playing at full volume

hunk: you put this song on your keith playlist? that's really embarrassing for you, buddy

pidge: you have a keith playlist????

lance, scrambling to press pause: shut up shut up shut up i hate you both how the fuck do i TURN THIS OFF

keith, who just came in to ask if anyone saw his gloves: um

[measured-words]

Dreamwidth Update: Mini life updates

I keep meaning to get back into a more regular journalling habit, and I keep... not doing that. Patlry because I need mental time to decompress from work and what time is left I usually use for other things like games, or writing, or other social things. But I'm still here! I read more than I comment on most stuff. I'm probably most active on tumblr, if by active you count just reblogging all the things with no commentary and half the time no tags. It's just so easy to be mindless :p I watched all of The Dragon Prince and I think probably that's been dominating my fandom content lately. Aaravos is just so damned pretty. I have been doing other things. I still have three games - Ye Olde Adventure Worlde, Ashnabis, and Fuck Squad. And Larp. So four but I always categorize LARP differently. I'm like....close to being finished another shawl already. This one has gone super fast. I recognize that being 25 rows from the end of a half circle shawl is sill pretty far off but it has been going really fast! It is not my usual colours, but I'm hoping I will still wear it. I'm also most of the way through another pair of socks, which is good because I'm starting to loose some to wear. Oh well, I know what my next sock pattern will be already! I've been on a kick for fairly simple patterns lately, so they've been going fast. I've also been writing more regularly without as much of a post-yuletide slump. I'm hoping I can get finished another short fic for this fan-flashworks - I'm close to being finished the row on my card, and I've been enjoying contributing there again. ON the other hand, I'd started this year with plans to maybe start writing an actual novel and that has completely not happened even a little. Or, well, I made half a page of notes and a playlist. I haven't forgotten, I just haven't done anything with it yet. The biggest news is that I am officially getting promoted to Collections Manager at work. This is basically reflecting what I have been doing since September anyway, but it comes with a significant raise over the contract position I was hired into to years ago, which was explicitly not a management job (even though I have been managing people and resources there from the get go). The authority and responsibility are still a mental shift, but the pay is like...even more of a livable adult range than what I had been making. And I'm not really planning to change my living arrangement so hopefully I can start ding other adult things like actually saving for the future, or getting a car. This is still a contract position, but considering where things have been going and how much responsibility I'me being given, I am confident that even if this contract doesn't get renewed as is, there will be something for me, and if there isn't, I should have enough experience to move on easily. So apparently I have a career and I feel pretty good about that except for the impostor syndrome and general traumas of academia, wooh! I do find it difficult to reconcile different aspects of my life, but I do plan to continue enjoying it as much as I can. Work can be stressful and frustrating but I feel like what I am doing is important and meaningful and it can be pretty rewarding. I'm hoping I can keep making things better. What else... Jola is still doing about the same. Her lump has grown more, but she's been more active since the weather has started getting warmer and has really been pressing me to go for longer walks. I need to find a way to protect her foot though, because she drags it a bit and it is wearing down her nails so much they'd been bleeding. I have paw protectors I use for her in the winter, but the friction is not really what they're built for and they've been wearing out too fast. I'll have to see if I can get her a more durable bootie and hope she'll wear it. Because the top of her foot is what drags, I'm afraid anything else is gong to have the same issue. But I guess I'll get 4 in a set and only need 1 at a time, and I don't really know how long they need to last still >.> I think that's it! I have 10 days of vacation this year and am trying to decide how to use it. I think I might go see my dad on my own for a bit, as I know he'd like that. Maybe we'll do Webercon again this year too. And then - I don't know. I have so many friends scattered all over the place that I'd like to visit, and I might try and set aside some time for a trip out west to see people there if I can. 10 days in a year is really not so much, unfortunately, but I'm lucky as I do also get some days around Christmas and New Years that aren't counted towards that. My plans this weekend though are to see if I can finish this story, work on my Jukebox signup, and have game tomorrow.... not so ambitious. comments Comment? https://ift.tt/2V6o71p