#i'm super emotional and hurt and myfingers hurt from my knuckles subluxing from typing too much and i think i have a fever

[lachryphage]

heh. I feel like it’s been a while since I posted something super long and personal so I guess it’s due time, eh? a lot of that is because I know that ppl read these, and like I’m not asking you to NOT read them -- putting words into a semi-public space is actually a KEY component of the catharsis otherwise I’d just write this shit in a journal but... idk. the more someone knows me the more I feel as though I should be keeping myself secret. that’s a whole other casket of worms tho, today we’re talking about gender and sexuality. it is pride month, after all.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about not only my own identity, but also the space I have (and haven’t) occupied in the queer “community.”

Maybe, in a different life, in a more accepting world, or a different body, maybe I would identify as a gay man. 

Now there’s A LOT of qualifiers on that statement, which is why I haven’t really said it before. I mean, I don’t really feel like a Man, and I am certainly very attracted to women, to all genders, so being neither a man nor exclusively attracted to men -- well then how could I ever be a gay man? Those are, however, not the reasons I’ll likely never identify as a gay man.

So what’s making me say this in the first place? 

Before I really get into the meat of this I have to say that so much of what I’m exploring here rides the line of “””problematique””” which is a huge reason why I keep avoiding this conversation -- even when the conversation is only with myself. But so much of my identity has always been “problematic.” Ha. I’m never what people want of me. I’m queer and I’m trans and I’m kinky as hell and I don’t hate my abuser and I don’t give a SHIT about what words people use I prefer to withhold judgement even in situations I understand and doesn’t that just make you HATE me :)))))) and if it doesn’t I guarantee you there’s a part of me that makes you uncomfortable but that isn’t the point here, so once again, we’ll unpack that Pandora’s box another day. 

So with those disclaimers...

The people I identified with growing up were always people who 1) I interpreted as men and 2) were very “weird” -- which usually but not always meant queer. As a child I didn’t often understand when jokes were supposed to be mean. I didn’t see “men in dresses” jokes as mean because I always saw men who were having fun and being cool and I wanted to be just like them! I wanted to be like blatantly gay men, I wanted to be like men who were made fun of for being “accidentally” gay or were queer coded in a way that was meant to be belittling... bad rep didn’t hurt me. Because I’m not the identity those things are meant to harm, I’m not a trans woman. I’m not even, really, a gay man. At least not a cis one. And in general, as a child I just didn’t get when things were meant to be hurtful. I saw people having fun and I wanted to be like them.

(To kind of explain the problematic gender fuckery going on here I’ll go through one scenario so that MAYBE the intricacies are somewhat clearer: I often identified with characters that were SUPPOSED to be trans women -- superficially this seems bad because I am by no stretch of the imagination a trans women. But these characters weren’t trans women, they were how cisheteronormative society sees trans women: as men who are defying sexual and gender norms -- which is also bad because that’s not what trans women are. But the mockery went right over my head so what I was seeing in these characters were what cisheteronomative society sees (men breaking norms) without the judgement and bad connotations and THAT is what I identified with/admired. Is that still problematic of me? Most likely, but I’m fucking tired and this isn’t the point.)

So I found myself feeling more comfortable around boys and men (actually, once again, there’s a lot more than just sexuality and gender going on here but... come other time) and I especially felt comfortable around gay guys. Well. Sort of. While I was feeling harmony and understanding, they were rejecting me. You see, cis gay guys delight in talking about how disgusting “women’s” bodies are. Everything my body has, they hate. And I get it, it’s horribly traumatic to have something you don’t want constantly shoved down your throat by society. Trust me, I get it.

This happened again and again. I’d find maybe someone my age, or some older guys to look up to, that were gay and I’d finally start feeling comfortable and then suddenly I was hearing about how repulsive my body was. Even if I wasn’t trans, that’s pretty fucking damaging to hear in this stupid patriarchal society. Bodies with breasts and vaginas are already seen as lesser is it really necessary to say those things right in front of, right to someone with that kind of body? but I’m not cis. I get that extra layer of disconnect from my body called dysphoria and let me tell you that beast of a feeling really doesn’t need more fuel to feed my hatred of myself.

I know I’m wordy so let me simplify that. I identified with and felt comfortable around gay men more than any other type of person I had met at the time. And they told me I was disgusting.

It hurts. And I am angry. I see gay men and the culture they’ve created for themselves and even though it’s horribly cis and white and fatphobic there’s still so much of it that calls to me. And every time it’s a goddamn slap in the face because I know they’d never want me.

It doesn’t matter if I was 100% certain of my identity as a Man and that I only liked Men. They wouldn’t want me. It wouldn’t matter if I started T, if I got top AND bottom surgery, I’d never get to be one of them. And so you know what? Even if I decided all of those things about me, I will never identify as a gay man. 

I know they’re not all like that. Not all cis people, not all men :)

I desperately need to find more trans people to hang out with, because no matter how much I may have ever identified with gay men, they don’t want me and they don’t fucking deserve me.

That’s why, in different life, in a more accepting world, with a different body, I could identify as a gay man. But here and now, I never will.