#i'm sorry misa i should have never given you the notebook

[kiyomitakada]

did you guys know that death note is good and i like it

[kiyomitakada]

many of my friends from other spaces (who were around for the actual death note mania back in the 2000s unlike me, a Youngster) have criticized death note for not going hard enough on the fact that the stuff light is doing wouldn't work. in manga canon the existence of kira has somehow stopped all the wars on the planet and the crime rate has dropped steeply when realistically that wouldn't. happen. at all. and i agree with them, i think this is part of why death note objectively really sucks

i do think it is interesting that death note chooses regardless to paint light as doing an unequivocally bad thing. hang on there's a better-phrased post like this let me go find it HERE. read that first

okay welcome back. death note says, if you killed someone and it genuinely decreased the amount of harm that spreads in the world (a question that obviously disregards the grief that person's relatives would have, the opportunity of rehabilitating them, the impossibility of knowing for sure that this would actually improve the world — just. death note does not deal with those things even though i think it should), that would still be a bad thing.

and like, i agree. but i think that death note and i don't agree on the why. most death note fans i've seen could write whole novels on how punitive justice doesn't work and disproportionally affects marginalized communities and so on and so forth; death note sort of just shrugs and says, murder is bad. which it is! but god that's a weak justification i can see why some of its fans started writing quora essays like "actually light was right the whole time and should have killed more people"

…actually you know what, here's what death note is doing: it is taking a magnifying glass to the justice system but only to the perpetrators. death note is a really good treatise on how power corrupts everyone, even when you think you'd do the right thing. (death note to me is a thinly veiled metaphor pro-gun control/anti-death penalty but that's a different post.) "whoever picks up this note will only ever lead a life of misery" "the true evil is the power to kill" "misa, i'm sorry, i should never have given you the notebook" etc etc etc. death note is screaming that having the power to kill will destroy you.

what death note is not good at is actually examining the effects of that power over the world at large. it just sort of says, i mean, murder is always bad innit. L and near and mello aren't trying to catch light because they truly believe kira is Wrong, they're just after him because what else are they supposed to do. you're just another murderer, near says. and the world goes back to status quo. and the police continue to rule the world in place of kira. and i mean sure the police have less power than Magical Killing Notebook but man. death note is so close to saying "tear down the existing justice system too" and never gets there and sometimes i want to strangle it.

[squints at post] is this even anything

[kiyomitakada]

fairer winds that never blew

hey, L. sorry i'm late.

---

L doesn't actually particularly enjoy the rain.

Why would she? It makes her clothes stick to her skin. Yes, they're already the optimal texture, but nevertheless L would rather not have the reminder.

Sometimes it's necessary, though. Grounding. L considers herself a realist, but recently her thought patterns have become… troublingly unanchored.

She needs a plan, she thinks. Looks up at the sky. The rain is soaking her hair, ruining the ten full seconds of work she does after showers to make it look spiky. She needs a plan. There is a ninety percent chance she is going to die in the next twenty-four hours and she must find a way to lower it.

The bells clamor in her ears.

Footsteps. She looks over. She can never resist looking.

"What are you doing standing out there in the rain?"

L knows how to read lips, obviously. But the whole point is to draw Light outside. She cups a hand to her ear.

"What are you doing, standing out there in the rain?!"

L tilts her head further.

Light sighs in frustration and marches out. L should, probably, feel victorious about this. She drops her gaze instead and stares in the direction of the bells.

Ninety percent.

L should throw Light into a holding cell right now. L should turn headquarters in and out looking for the missing scrap of paper from the murder notebook. L should bullshit another excuse to put Light Yagami under observation, the brilliant specimen she is, and track Misa Amane down with the surveillance bugs attached to her.

But god, the hope crawling in her chest is suffocating.

Go to hell, Light Yagami, she thinks. You've made me an optimist.

The footsteps stop near her. L looks.

"What are you doing, Ryuzaki?"

The I'm not doing anything in particular catches in her throat, half-formed. She frowns instead.

"You cut your hair."

"Oh." Light touches the back of her head in a fairly convincing mimicry of self-consciousness. Her eyes are deader than ever. "Yes. I told you, it was just a phase. I'm not really tr— I'm not like that."

Not like you, she doesn't say. How kind.

"A phase." L should leave it; it's only circumstantial evidence. She presses anyway. "And you've told your father?"

It's fascinating, watching Light decide in real time that a chuckle is too odd given the circumstances. She goes for a long exhale instead. "Not yet. I'm not quite sure how to explain it to him, that I was just… confused. I will soon, though. Listen, Ryuzaki, what are you doing here?"

Like a dog with a bone, L thinks, with a worrying amount of fondness. "It's nothing," she says. Looks up at the sky, gray as television static. "It's just… I hear the bell."

"The bell?"

"Yes," L says, glancing at her. Light's face barely moves. "The sound of the bell has been unusually loud today."

Light's eyebrows furrow. She looks around. "I don't hear anything."

"Really," L says. "You can't hear it." Of course she can't. L is perfectly aware that she is hearing things, most likely from the nightmares. "It's been ringing non-stop all day. I find it very distracting."

Light has her hand up to shield her face from the rain. It isn't working well.

"I wonder if it's a church," L continues. "Maybe a wedding, or perhaps a…"

"What are you getting at, Ryuzaki?" Ah, there's the annoyance. It's not real either. "Come on, cut it out. Let's get back inside."

So you can shave a few more minutes off my lifespan?

What is L doing out here? What is she hoping to achieve? Why mention weddings around her chief suspect in a mass murder investigation?

"I'm sorry," she says. She's not. She's angry at herself, maybe, for ever entertaining any other possibility. "Nothing I say makes any sense anyway. If I were you, I wouldn't believe any of it."

Light makes a soft, confused noise, and doesn't move.

L stares at the floor. Water drips off the strand of hair directly in front of her nose. The seconds tick away, too loud and too fast.

"You know, you're totally right," Light says. There's a laugh underlining her words. L can't find it in her eyes. "Honestly, most of the things you say sound like complete nonsense. There'd be no end to my troubles if I actually took you seriously all the time. I probably know that better than anyone."

All this time, and Light Yagami still loves to hear herself talk. L turns to the railing for a brief second just to conceal her stupid, involuntary smile.

"Yes," she says. "I would say that's a fair assessment."

She should leave, now. Obviously Light will only spend the rest of their time talking in circles. L has far more important things to do, like confirm that Watari has found a death row inmate to test the murder notebook with.

"But I could say the same about you," she continues.

"Hm?" Light frowns. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You said earlier that" — L has to get this right. Logically this meeting should affect nothing, but it is suddenly the most important case she has ever done. "You were confused."

"That—" Light huffs. "What does that have to do with this?"

L studies her. Studies the odd, jagged edges of Light's haircut, so unlike the rest of her, all carefully picked eyebrows and neat button-up now drenched with rain. L wonders if she discarded the scrunchie now that she no longer has a ponytail, if she's tucked the purple sundress away. If there's anything left of the girl who punched her in the nose and demanded who's the one who swore to send Kira to his execution? and stared at her reflection with a trembling, terrified joy and forgot to hide her vicious grin when she served that final tennis blow.

It's funny. L used to be annoyed by moralizers. She still is.

She wants to save Light Yagami with an emotion so desperate that she wishes she didn't recognize it.

"Ryuzaki," Light says, quiet, prompting. There's a sliver of fear in her eyes.

"Tell me, Light, from the moment you were born, has there ever been a point where you've actually told the truth?"

Light freezes.

For a second, a single second, she looks down. Then back up.

In another universe just a split hair from this one, her eyes are only a flat, blank brown. In that universe she dies Light Yagami, prodigal child, unloving fiance, just another murderer. In that universe her tombstone reads precious son and brother, because even in death she was lying through her teeth.

"Where's this coming from, Ryuzaki?" Light asks, and L seizes onto the almost-inaudible tremble in her voice with both hands.

"What do you think, Light-chan?"

Light flinches. She's out of practice, L thinks, with something that should be glee blossoming in her ribcage. "I told you to stop calling me that."

"You did," L says, keeping her gaze steady.

"What do you want me to say?" Light snaps. "I'm sorry if you feel misled. It was just an experiment. It didn't mean anything. I'm not a girl."

L opens her mouth to say something, then stops. Light's fists are clenched at her sides. Her breaths are angry and fast. November in Japan isn't anywhere close to freezing, but if L focuses long enough she thinks she can see white steam.

Something frantic hums in her bloodstream. Keep her talking.

"I'm not misled," she says. "I'm only curious."

Light's scoff is only barely sanded into a laugh. "Yeah. You're always curious. It's all you know how to be."

"That hurts, Light," L says, plain.

Light flinches again. "What are you doing?"

L glances down at herself, then back up. "Am I disturbing you somehow?"

"Y—No. No, of course not."

Neither of them have moved. There are three paces between them and a hollow grate for the rain to fall through. L wonders if it would give way under their weight.

She won't cross. Can't. L Lawliet is a liar and a thief and at least three detectives, but she does not know how to be anyone but herself.

"…You're acting strange," Light says. "How long have you been standing out here?"

L is fairly sure the concern is not entirely feigned, which makes everything so much worse. "I don't know," she says. "How long have you been running away, Yagami Raito?"

She searches for anger in the set of Light's jaw. Instead Light looks as though she's the one with her back to the railing.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Light says. "I'm right here."

L swallows.

"Perhaps if you came over."

"Ryuzaki," Light says, quiet enough that it's almost a rasp.

I miss you, L doesn't say, because she isn't and will never be the kind of person to say it. You're like a shadow, Light. I always miss you.

"I run away all the time, too," L tells her instead. The rain slides down her skin. "I hide behind the television screen. I'm childish and I hate to lose."

Light is silent.

"I liked your hair long," L says, and it almost sounds exactly the same as usual except that in sheer desperation her voice cracks, and then Light is running and the grate holds beneath her and she crashes into L, 179 centimeters of supernova, and L catches her.

"I hate you," Light says, her eyes blazing, "L, I hate you so much—"

"I know," L says. "I knew from the start—"

Light Yagami kisses the way she throws her punches: with a devastating, furious terror. She has one hand fisted in the neckline of L's shirt, pulling her impossibly closer like she wants to reach into L's ribcage, her mouth the only point of warmth in the downpour around them and startlingly soft. L kisses back. There's no universe where she doesn't. She lifts her hands to cup Light's rain-slick face so very carefully, feels Light shudder into the touch.

She tastes like nothing but water but her lips are slightly chapped. L grazes her lower lip with teeth, the barest contact, and Light makes a sound like oh but significantly softer, and — god, L thinks she loves her.

"This is all your fault," Light says against L's mouth. "This is all your fault."

"Liar," L says, and kisses her again.

I win, she thinks, I win, an undeniable giddiness bubbling in her veins, but it's not victory that makes Light taste so very sweet. L is always, always thinking about the game — it's built into her bones — but these days it's impossible to separate it from the beautiful paradox that is Light Yagami. L doesn't want to. She wants to split Light apart and stare at the way she refracts forever.

"Ryuzaki," Light says, pulling away only a centimeter. Her eyes are blown wide and dark and it takes all of L's self-control to not yank her back in. "I just remembered. I came up here to tell you something."

"Yes, Light?"

"The thirteen-day rule. You wanted to test it."

"Yes."

"Don't." Light swallows; L traces it down the line of her throat. "Don't do it, don't even talk about it in front of the Shinigami. Rem. I think she's dangerous."

"Okay," L says.

"What?" Light blinks. "Just like that?"

"She's hiding something," L says. "It's very obvious. And besides, I'm sure you'd know best."

Light narrows her eyes.

L smiles back at her, guileless. "Anything else, Light-chan?"

"…I think I regret cutting my hair," Light says, barely a whisper.

"It's alright," L says. Kisses her again, just because she can. "It'll grow back."

---

a/n: thank you to this post by luzon-dove and to the canon dialogue "i'm human — that's not allowed? / no, it's not" that ai-the-broccoli reminded me of for making me realize that L is, fundamentally, a yearner.

i love you, L Lawliet. i love you, person reading this. stay safe out there