#i'm so fucking disregulated rn

[the-bot-marg0t]

....

[genxnarumi]

.

not that deep of a vent this time but i hate my emotional disregulation AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i was having such a great morning!!!! the sun was shining, i was enjoying reading, the birbs are out and about, i was well rested.

and then just like that, i see a sore on my cat's body and completely spiral out of control, hours of messy rage and fear and sobbing feeling like surely he is going to die soon and acting erratically and i'm a horrible cat owner and i need to die when he goes too

aaaaaaaaaaaand then it's just. gone. fog lifted. we're calm, we're happy, we're thriving. it doesn't have to be deadly. it could just be autoimmune or maybe management. i just need to monitor him and discuss with the vet. he acts completely normal and fine. there was no cancer, remember? we're just gonna take him to the vet and see. he's happy. he's almost thriving.

and now i'm just :< why did i ruin my own morning like that?!?!?14jrefrhjefj AAAAAAAAA i could've gone out on a walk or read through half of this book already or painted the wall but no. i wasted it on freaking the fuck out sobs 😒

anyways i'm learning, i'm getting somewhere. i'm trying not to hate myself rn because this is just part of my recovery. i say trying because it's just the easy road to go and drown in self loathing and then spiral that out of control and destruct myself inside out. but. i recognise that's not the way. it happens. i've had my fit now but i got it under control. i'm a little proud bc i did that by myself without third party intervention this time 🙌 actually no i'm not a little proud i'm just really proud of myself

and i'm calm now, only i wasted half of my sunday, time i won't get back sighh 😪it's too late to go for a hike and i'm kind of too cold and worn to go and paint tbh. so i guess i'm gonna crawl into bed and rot away . i should actually be responsible for once and meal prep but iiiiiiii don't wanna go ouuuuuuut it's coldddddd

[huhwhuhs]

Alright tw/cw for a vent because I'm just fucking dying rn and need to yell

So in my job we sorta circle around store managers due to our skills being needed in different places, and there's this one that is nice as a person but really tone deaf as a manager

So he implements a new rule of not allowing electronics at his store, which sucks really bad because that's literally one of the only reasons I'm still staying at this job, because on our free time we can just chill on our phones without consequence and it's good

Now I'm already on thin ice with this place because he's got a few other rules that get under my skin, and so I go over and tell him I'm requesting a change to my schedule so I won't be put in his store anymore, because that's just polite

This motherfucker speaks so loud and practically announces it to the entire store of people who are regulars and my coworkers, and people are staring at me as he's like "oh you wanna drop this place, sure okay cool" and so I'm a little upset but whatever and start the process, and during our talk I'm supposed to give feedback as to why I'm leaving

And every. Single. Time. I say something he always tries to correct me on how its actually super good even though I'm just like "Okay yeah but it's not working for me" and he's being so. loud.

So ofc I start getting frustrated with him cause he keeps constantly repeating himself, and unfortunately because I'm emotionally disregulated I start crying, and he still doesn't take the hint to shut up

So now I'm standing in the middle of this store full of people, crying over nothing while my boss just keeps going on as normal like nothing is happening

And now I wanna collapse in on myself from embarrassment because I have to keep going back there until my transfer gets finalized

Anyway rant/vent over

[323398149]

I come here when i feel like I have thoughts I have no where to get them out to

I messed up

I know you're supposed to say bye to ppl so I've been trying to do that the last 10 years but now I gotta learn the etiquettes of saying hi cause I messed up and got in trouble and that's my bad oops I'm stupid and dumb and dumb and stupid and I'm sorry

I'm so sorry

I'm sorry to everyone ever

Like ik this is an extreme reaction ik it as I type it so obvs I wouldn't say it and ik I shouldn't think it but like..... trust me I agree with whatever it is that you're mad at me for ever because if I didn't exist none of it would have happened and I really wish I didn't exist so I'm truly sorry. But yeah ik an extreme reaction that doesn't make sense to react that way to someone being upset with you for something little so instead you're supposed to apologize and not do the thing again and not get too in your head or dramatic over the interaction. It's called emotional regulation hehe but yeah I'm sorry regardless but if you say that too much over something small ppl think that's a weird extreme reaction as well.

So you just own up to your mess up and then in your head you make sure not to do it again and that's a normal level of reaction rn

Lol who needs a therapist when I just have talking it out with myself on tumblr?

Anyways I just didn't know the etiquette lol like genuinely truly I went 25 years without knowing that was a rule. I had no idea. But also now that I think about it it was obvious and I should have known and I'm dumb.

It was a genuine oopsie

But I can't say that or it makes me look disregulated but I need to tell someone how badly I feel rn so I'm typing it here. I'm so sad and sorry. I'm so sorry. I feel like such a fuck up. I hope I don't end up crying. Imma stop typing. But I feel a bit better. Phew

Gah I'm so dumb. When does this shit end? I just wanna be grown up and get a hug and be safe and no upset anybody. But that's unrealistic. You have to be around humans as a human and if you're around each other there's always gonna be misunderstandings and confrontations. You can't just avoid and hide your entire life or you'll never live.

Yeah which is why I guess in those moments my brain will go gah why am I alive

Like it makes sense bcs these types of negative emotions only happen BECAUSE you're alive. If you were dead you wouldn't feel anything. And you wouldn't feel happy either.

I just feel like idk recently I've been hurting ppls feelings by accident and then they mention it and I feel bad. I guess it's because I've been around ppl again after hiding for a while y'know?

Anyways I just look forward to it all ending, whenever that is lol

Even if I have to wait another 50 years gah feels forever but when u think of it like that I only have to do what I already did 2 more times. And then it feels doable. I'm a third way there!!!! Can you believe that, tumblr? We've actually survived. I'm proud of us.

[autumnsky]

REALLY feeling that ADHD emotional disregulation rn lads... I'm so disproportionately smad and disappointed over these ugly stickers my mum bought me that I actually started to tear up like hey, me @ me, they're just some fucking stickers.