#i'm so emotIONAL n it's probably my sleep medS but like.

[mins-fins]

heart attack

&&. there's something hilarious about the beautiful doctor there to help with your terrible habits.

pairing: qian kun x gn!reader

genre: fluff

warnings: mentions of overworking, mentions of passing out & hospitalization

word count: 0.9k

notes: this….. THISSS💔💔💔 this drabble was very inspired by the thai movie heart attack (a movie that has no right being as cute as it is) kun fits the part so well because first.. doctor kun, and second.. kun is so amazing, i love kun, we all fucking love kun 😿 this is a early bday gift for user junjiie bc we all know he loves kun (happy early bday pookie ily) this is insanely self indulgent because i have slept less than three hours in these past five days and have been working myself to shit because.. med school!! yayyyyyyy!! im so excited!! (is not excited)

"so what's the matter with you?"

the usual roughness that would lace the voice of a medical professional is replaced by the softness you would feel of pillows, you glance up, meeting the eyes of the beautiful man before you. you stare, forgetting where you are for a moment, the exhaustion rendering you speechless.

but it's a whisper in your head that reminds you of where you are, and you flinch. "oh— i um.. there's these rashes appearing on my body".

"okay" he mutters, clicking his tongue and pen in unison. "and where exactly?"

"my arms, my neck.." he hums, pulling up your sleeve to check out what you told him. "also there are some on my fingers".

he bites into his inner cheek, much too close for the sake of your heart. he then glances up, examining your face through his glasses. "you haven't been getting any sleep" he snaps his fingers in your direction, letting go of you and turning back to his computer.

you respond with a dry chuckle, too tired to even try to add emotion. "and you know that how?"

"i can see it in your eyes, those dark circles aren't doing you justice" he sucks his teeth as he types out something. "what's your occupation?"

it isn't strange that he's curious, just answer the question.

you shake your head, mind all over the place. "i work in graphic design".

"ohhh" he doesn't exactly seem surprised. "freelance?"

you nod.

his eyebrows join together. "how does an editing job have you so tired?"

you let out a breath, too exhausted to allow a laugh. "it's a twenty four hour thing, if i'm awake at all times i function better".

"you're barely functioning now".

"well you're a doctor, you always tell people the obvious" you sigh, closing your eyes to try and recollect the many hours of sleep you lost. "i'm sure you aren't any better than me.."

"i'd be inclined to disagree".

you open one eye, staring at the pretty doctor who types away on his computer, catching you in his peripheral vision. (eyes you don't notice due to your lethargy making you less disposed to).

"when was the last time you slept?"

your throat goes dry, your senses reduced to the clear fatigue. you could simply lie, how would he even know? there's no way dr. qian is a psychic, that would be freaky, you're sure it would be nightmarish if that were the case.

there's an indecipherable glimmer in his eye, one that would scare you in regular circumstances where you were fully awake. it's as if he knows you're going to lie, your attempt at fib crawls down your throat before it can even escape your lips. "five days ago".

his reaction is serene, much too calm for your situation. "five days ago.. and how many hours did you sleep?"

your brain is foggy, you almost blurt the number 'six', but that's simply your default response when people ask. why would you ever lie to a doctor?..and the cute doctor especially?

you pause at the wave of your thoughts. what do you mean he's cute?

it's simply common sense, y/n. don't you like smart guys?

you would probably attribute it to your terrible sleep deprivation if it weren't true. you can't deny that the man before you is simply so attractive it should be illegal, he's absolutely gorgeous, how can a regular doctor be so beautiful? you might fall over, not from your lack of sleep, but from the eyes of the man who stares with such care.

"like.. three?"

your voice scratches as you recall the last time you 'slept', he hums, clicking his pen as he notes the information down. he turns in his rolling chair, scooting closer to you. "you mind if i see your hands?"

you can't even put up a fight, you're just about to give into your own exhaustion. you put your hands out for him, and dr. qian takes your hands in his own, examining the rashes which litter your fingers. he's close, so close, you can admire each of his facial features with amazing certainty. everything about him is beautiful, his cheeks, his eyes, the curves of his lips, it's all beautiful, it should be a crime for such a man to exist.

"that's an issue.. have you taken medication for sleep before?" you shake your head, and his fingers slip from yours.

"alright.. i'm going to put you on doxylamine" he mumbles, getting back to noting down your state. you begin scratching at the rashes on your fingers, and he snaps: "don't scratch it".

you move your hands apart rather quickly, his tone of voice intimidating you enough that you pause. he's much too convincing.

he points at you. "tonight, and this next month onward, you sleep before nine o'clock every single day".

you uncharacteristically snicker. "do you sleep before nine o'clock every single day?"

he raises an eyebrow, amused by the question. "i'm the doctor, i know best".

"of course".

"you'll end up dead if you keep going at this rate, take your medication, sleep before nine every day, then check back in with me next month".

"if i'm not available, can i reschedule?"

the question is simply meant to be comedic, you're just about to pass out, trying to sneak in a last minute joke before having to leave the office of the cute doctor. he leans his arm against the desk, smiling at you. "don't reschedule, i want to see you".

and you clearly weren't expecting those words, because your cheeks flare up.

see y/n? you do like smart guys.

[belovedspector]

They All Say That It Gets Better (But What If I Don't?)

Pairing: Marc Spector x gn!reader

Content/Warnings: Reader is dealing with depression. Some angst, emotional hurt/comfort, use of pet names (baby, honey)

Word Count: ~800

A/N: Companion piece to I Don't Need a Metaphor for You to Know I'm Miserable, but it's not necessary to read that one first. Title is from "teenage dream" by Olivia Rodrigo. I am once again making Marc Spector help me deal with my problems.

Masterlist

You’re exhausted.

You’re always exhausted, these days. Whether you’ve actually accomplished anything that day or not, you constantly feel drained. You could sleep for a full 24 hours and still not have the energy to get out of bed, you think. It’s a tiredness you feel in every part of you, all the way through to your bones.

It’s exhausting, living in your head. There is a constant barrage of negative thoughts, weighing you down even more.

And, God, it’s not like you haven’t been trying to get better. You’ve been doing everything right—gotten prescriptions from psychiatrists, talked to therapists. But, still, the feeling persists: you’re exhausted.

It’s one of those days today, the kind of day where the fact that you managed to brush your teeth is reason to celebrate. You’re sitting on the couch, curled up in a blanket. There’s some sitcom playing on the TV in front of you, but you’re just staring off into space, paying the screen no mind.

That’s how Marc finds you.

“Hey, baby,” he greets when he walks through the door and sees you in the living room.

You’re so zoned out that you don’t hear him, don’t realize he’s come home.

He assesses the situation as he takes off his shoes. Marc has known you long enough to know what’s going on. He knows what a bad day looks like, has had plenty himself, and he likes to think he knows how to deal with them pretty well.

He walks towards you slowly, as if you’re an animal that might get spooked. He lowers himself next to you on the couch and gently puts a hand to your shoulder.

You jolt, eyes wild as they search for the source of the intrusion. You visibly relax when your eyes meet Marc’s, who is watching you carefully.

“How’re you feeling?” he asks.

If anyone else asked you that question, you’d probably lie and tell them you’re fine. But, when Marc asks you, you feel safe enough to tell him the truth.

“I’m tired,” you say.

“Well, why don’t you take a nap while I make dinner?” Marc suggests.

“No, Marc, I don’t mean—” You sigh before trying again. “I’m exhausted, all the fucking time, no matter what I do.”

“You have depression, baby,” he says. “It’s normal to feel that way.”

“But it shouldn’t be normal!” you argue. You’re not mad at him, but you can’t help but raise your voice a little, frustrated with yourself. “I’m on meds, I go to therapy, and I still feel like shit!”

“So, maybe you need to change your meds,” Marc suggests. “You’ll figure it out, I promise.”

“I’ve been trying to ‘figure it out’ for years, Marc. Nothing ever works.”

“Something’s gotta work, baby. You just haven’t found it yet,” he soothes. “And, you know you have ups and downs. You’re just in a little bit of a rut right now, but you’ll get out of it. You always do.”

Despite yourself, you feel tears welling up in your eyes. You know he’s right; you’ve been here before and have lived to tell the tale. If you’ve done it before, you can do it again. But, you don’t want to have to do this anymore. You just want to feel okay.

Marc must see the emotion clouding your eyes, because he says, “C’mere, baby,” and opens his arms to you. You lean towards his embrace and collapse against him, burying your face into his chest. He places a kiss on the crown of your head. “You’re okay,” he whispers.

It’s that that causes the floodgates to open. You know you must be making a mess of his shirt with your tears, but you can’t help it. After feeling like a zombie all day, it feels nice to be expressing some emotion, even if it’s an unpleasant one.

Marc gives you time, rubbing soothing circles into your back and murmuring soft reassurances all the while. Eventually, you lift your head and harshly wipe at your eyes with your hands. “Sorry,” you mutter, not quite able to meet his eyes.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, honey,” he says, and you know he means it.

“Where do we go from here?” you whisper, finally meeting his eyes, searching the warm, brown depths like they might hold the answers to all your problems.

“Right now, we have dinner and go to bed, and tomorrow, you call your psychiatrist and make an appointment. How’s that sound?” You nod and sniffle. “Good, I guess.”

“It’s not gonna get better overnight,” Marc levels with you, “but it will get better.”

You nod again. “Thank you,” you say, hoping those two, little words are enough to convey how much you appreciate him.

“No need to thank me,” he says. “I’m always here for you, okay?”

“Okay,” you agree.

“Now, how’s about you help me with dinner? There’s this new recipe I’ve been wanting to try—”

You can’t help but smile as you follow Marc into the kitchen. For the first time in days, if not weeks, you’re feeling somewhat optimistic, like maybe things really will be okay. You’re still exhausted, but you feel just a little bit lighter, and it makes all the difference.

A/N: Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to let me know what you think.

[mental-mona]

10 things not to say to someone with bipolar disorder

These are the 10 most unfortunate comments that I and other friends with bipolar disorder have gotten over the years, with an explanation of why they're so wrongheaded.

"So you'll take that and be fine in the morning, right?" Yes. No. Maybe. See, once my mood's gone off the rails, anything can happen. It's possible that I'll temporarily raise the dose of something or add something in and wake up in the morning feeling perfectly fine, but it's also possible that recovery will take weeks, especially if my meds weren't adjusted optimally to begin with. Alternatively, I might wake up the next morning in a normal mood but feel like a zombie because of the medication's side effects.

"Have you tried antidepressants?" No I haven't, at least not by themselves. If I have taken them by themselves, most likely bad things happened. See, when you give people with bipolar disorder SSRIs without mood stabilizers, they go manic. Imagine that in your brain there's a switch. In depressed people it has 2 settings, depressed and normal. In people with bipolar disorder it has 3 settings, depressed, normal, and manic. Antidepressants flip that switch from the lowest to the highest setting, regardless of what you intended "highest" to be.

"Have you tried [alternative/additional therapy]?" Just to clarify: the prevailing psychiatric theory is that bipolar disorder is a chronic biochemical imbalance in the brain. If what you're pushing makes some kind of sense, I might consider it, but the best it will do is make me feel slightly better or give me a coping mechanism. It won't make the problem actually go away; only medicine and psychotherapy combined with lifestyle changes can do that. Yes, there are some amazing herbs out there, but many of them conflict with various prescription drugs and can't be taken by people with certain medical conditions. Yes, prayer is wonderful and G-d is a great listener, but doctors are His healing hands.

"This is happening to you because you [insert vice(s)]. If you'd just [insert virtuous thing(s)], you'd be fine." If you're lecturing me about getting enough sleep or cutting back on substance use, you are likely correct. If you're lecturing me about almost anything else, then yes, I might feel better overall, but it won't stop me from having random biochemical blips that make my mood go nuts. Also, you sound obnoxiously self-righteous when you lecture me like that; if you still feel the need to suggest whatever it is, please phrase it better.

"I have no idea what to do with you." If you mean that you have no idea how to treat me overall, ask me! Hopefully I'll be able to outline my basic emotional support needs. If I can't or won't, Google guidelines for supporting someone mentally ill and go from there. In fact, you should probably research that regardless. If what you mean is more like "I want to do you a favor but don't know what you need," know that I probably won't be able to answer a generalized "what do you need?" Instead, ask about something specific you can help me with, e.g. a meal. If I can't give you a straight answer on the specific thing, it's now my problem, not yours. If what you mean is more along the lines of "You need more help than I can give you" or "I don't have the energy to deal with you all the time," then you should have said so, albeit gently.

"When's the last time you took your meds?" or "Are you going into an episode?" in response to a strong emotional reaction. I am a human being with the same basic emotional responses as everyone else. Please do not pathologize my feelings and/or brush off an outburst as the product of a diseased mind until you have talked to me and tried to understand what I'm reacting to and why. If you're still concerned, watch for other signs of an altered mood, and tell me if you see them.

"Are you sure the meds aren't making you sicker?" If by "sicker" you mean more mentally unstable, then no, they're most likely not. It might appear that way because episodes often keep getting worse without treatment and whatever meds my doctor's prescribed either haven't had a chance to take effect yet or just aren't right for me, but I should stabilize within a few weeks once we get a handle on what works. It does occasionally happen that a psych med will make things worse, but it's unlikely. If by "sicker" you mean something physical, then indeed they might be, but sometimes that's a price I must pay for emotional stability. Hopefully it's only a temporary adjustment period. That said, if the medications' side effects are unbearable I can always ask my doctor if we can try something else or change the way I'm taking the meds in question.

"You're crazy." "Crazy" is a very loaded word when applied to the mentally ill, and some of us are more sensitive to it than others. Even if I'm ok with the word in one context, I might not be in another. If I choose to use the word to describe myself and I seem genuinely comfortable with that description, it might be ok to jokingly call me "crazy" in conversation with me. However, if I'm desperately asking you to reassure me that I'm not crazy or I shy away from the word altogether, definitely avoid it. Oh, and even if I'm cool with using the word in conversation with you, I'm almost certainly NOT ok with you telling other people that I'm "crazy." As a rule of thumb, if you're unsure whether the word is acceptable, assume that it's not.

"OMG I feel so bad I didn't know what life is like for you I'm so sorry that I reacted like that!" or "I feel so useless that I can't help you!" Odds are that you said this in reaction to my explaining how bipolar disorder can make my life hell and/or how it changes things even when I'm not actively cycling. Odds are that when I explained this to you, I was looking for support. You have just turned the tables and made it about you and how you're a bad friend, thereby forcing me to expend energy that I may not have had in order to reassure you that it's ok. Fail.

"Do it! I dare you!" in response to a description of manic urges. If I'm fully manic, I have very little judgment or impulse control. If I have an insane urge to streak down all of Main Street, your egging me on might be all the impetus I need to actually do it. It'll stop being funny when I get arrested for indecent exposure, and I don't think you really want to be the reason it came to that.

[bonny-kookoo]

“oh I'm not done with you yet, little thing.” …. with… felidae… Yoongi 😳👉👈

A/N: Oops my hand slipped.

---

Yoongi has never been shy about his emotions towards you.

And while you've gotten closer to everyone else as well, be still likes to sometimes keep you to himself a little. Just like now; as he'd 'borrowed' you from Namjoon and all the other big cats at home. What he didn't take into account was that maybe the timing wasn't quite right- because when he wakes up, it's clear that you're very close to starting your heat.

You're currently still sleeping in his bed, while he's on the phone with Namjoon, who sighs on the other end of the line. "No, don't apologize. I should've kept it in mind too when I agreed." he tells Yoongi, who's a bit torn. He knows he should bring you back home- so Namjoon can figure out what to do. He's not sure if you've ever discussed this all in the first place. "Did you talk to her yet?" Joon asks him.

"No, she's still asleep- she's not started fully yet but I'm already having a hard time, I won't lie." he admits, unsure what to do now. Namjoon can't pick you up right now, Seokjin is on duty, and everyone else would probably start a fight as soon as they got a whiff of your scent. It's only a matter of hours until you fully go into heat- and Yoongi doesn't own any medications for it, since he himself usually deals with it the traditional way.

"they'll understand, Yoongi." Namjoon says after a while. "you can't just leave her alone now, and it's honestly better she's with you than at home with all the others. I trust you to take good care of her." he says, and Yoongi can't help but swallow thickly.

"I don't know-" he starts, but his friend and owner cuts him off.

"you have to talk to her now before she becomes unable to make a proper decision." Namjoon urges, as a call chimes in the background. "if you can't take care of her call seokjin on his private phone. He'll pick her up and put her on medication then. You don't have to-" he starts, but Yoongi doesn't let him finish.

"No, fuck, alright. I'll figure it out." he says, before they both say their goodbyes.

Walking into the bedroom, you're currently stretching, before you roll over, smiling at him. "hey cub." he says, sitting on the edge of the bed, and you sit up as well, looking at him. His tail instinctively by now lays itself over your lap so you can hold onto it like you would onto your own, before he speaks again. "you're going into heat." he says, and you nod.

"I know." you simply say. "Is.. That bad?" you wonder, and Yoongi shakes his head.

"No- just, I don't have any meds for it." he tries to carefully make you understand what he's hinting at.

"That's fine. I know how to keep it down." you tell him. "Oh wait- is it the smell that's bothering you? I know it kinda stink-"

"no, cub, what're you talking about?" he worries. 'keep it down' told him that at the shelter, they probably made you stay in your room for the duration- which would indicate that you've always dealt with it on your own. It hurts him to think about that. "Cub, do you want Jin to come pick you up?" he asks, and you seem confused. "Joon is at work, and we can't have you back home smelling like that. They'll beat their heads in- especially Jungkook." he chuckles. "though you can also stay, I dont mind spending it with you." he says, and your cheeks turn a bit red at that.

"I uh.. You don't have to, it's, uh.." you avoid his gaze now, instead tracing the distinctive dark spots on his tail in your lap.

"I'm not offering because I feel obligated." he makes clear, looking at you as you hesitantly look up. "I'm offering because it's you." he explains. "I'm offering because you deserve to be taken care of." he goes on, his tail now curling around your wrist delicately. "I'm offering because I want to be who takes care of you."

"is my smell that strong?" you chuckle a bit, before you catch his gaze again. The way he looks at you is not at all dazed or clouded by lust- he's serious, honest. It's something you've never truly thought of- sure, you loved them all, but did you love them?

You know you've loved Yoongi for a long time already, ever since he started visiting you at the shelter.

"I, uh.." you start, unsure. "I don't, I've been with other hybrids before though." you say, and Yoongi shrugs.

"So? I've been with others before as well." he says. "Jungkook has been with others. The others probably too. Doesn't change that we love each other." he tells you, and your eyes widen.

"me too?" you ask, and Yoongi grins at that.

"you too. A lot." he confesses, and you can't help but squirm on the spot, thighs rubbing against one another as he leans forward. "I guess this means you want me too?" he wonders playfully, and you nod, whining when he still doesn't kiss you. "not until you say it."

"I want you too, Yoongi." you say, and at that he finally kisses you, gentle at first- though he quickly has you on your back instead. The soft sweater you're wearing is his own- and yet he wants it off now, helping you out the item of clothing, smiling when you giggle at your hands getting caught in the sleeves. Your underwear goes next- a delicate string of arousal clinging onto the fabric as he pulls your panties down your legs, uncaring where they land somewhere in his room. Your legs are easily parted for him, and he doesn't even think twice before letting himself rest on his knees down on the floor, before he pulls you closer to the edge of the bed by your ankles.

"yoongi.." you mewl a bit unsure- but he quickly shuts you up as he licks once with his tongue flat over your core straight up over your sensitive bud- kissing almost in a teasing manner, before his lips seal around it, tongue lapping at your pearl while his hands hold your legs open.

You can't help but buck your hips, arch your back as he sucks and swallows, visibly enjoying himself while you're whining on his bed. By now, he can sense you've fallen deep into your heat- and he enjoys the trust he receives. He knows how terrible it feels to spend it alone, he can't imagine how often you must've felt alone and abandoned, time and time again. Now more than ever he craves to make you feel good, wanted, desired, because that's what you are.

He reaches for one of your hands to place it around your own thigh- a signal to hold onto your leg for him, a silent command you eagerly follow. With his hand now free, he gently traces what his lips and tongue aren't occupied with at the moment, before he pushes his ring and middle finger inside, warm and soft walls instantly clenching around him. "someone's eager to get filled up, hm?" he teases after parting from you, his thumb now playing with your clit before the heel of his palm does, fingers moving in and out of you at an agonizingly slow pace.

You need more.

And he seems to realize that, kissing up from your belly button to your chest, right to your collarbone- hand working more fiercely now while he watches you fall apart under his actions. You breath deeply, eyes watching him- but when you start to curl up to sleep, he crawls right back over you, leg between yours, his tail whipping from side to side behind him.

"oh I'm not done with you yet, little thing."

[callsign-magnolia]

I Hope You Dance // Ch. 25

MATURE CONTENT (18+)

A/N: This is cross posted to my Wattpad, so if this seems familiar that is why!

TW: Mental abuse, emotional abuse, slight physical abuse, death and loss.

Description: When Caila meets Rooster, sparks fly. But, she's already married, to a man who she thought loved her, and won't let her go. Rooster will fight for her, he just has to convince Caila to fight for herself.

Word Count: 7.9k

Chapter 24 | Masterlist

I spent that night awake, and when four a.m. came around again I realized I had officially been awake for days without any sleep at all. I decided to go on an early morning run on the beach, hoping I would finally wear myself out. Halfway through my run the right side of my head started hurting and I knew I had to get back to the house. The pain eased slightly when I got back, so I just took some over the counter meds instead of my prescription before getting in the shower. I took a long hot shower, trying to soothe my aching muscles and scrubbing myself clean. I still felt incredibly irritated, almost pissed at Rooster and I hated it. It made me want to smash my head into the wall. 

As I got out I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in days. I was paler and the dark circles under my bloodshot eyes were prominent. I had to get some sleep, I was bordering on dangerous if I didn't. I decided to crawl back in bed with Dahlia and hope for sleep, so as I curled against her warm body I tossed my arm over my eyes and laid still. I know I hurt Bradley last night, I hated that I did it but I was so angry in the moment. I feel like I'm going crazy and I just feel like everyone was calling me crazy last night. I've been through hell, but surely that didn't push me over the edge, right? 

I don't know how long I laid there but I finally moved when my phone rang. As I moved my arm, I saw the sun peeking through the curtains and I groaned as it made my head pound more. I leaned over, grabbing my phone and seeing a local number pop up. I immediately sat up, groaning in pain as I did and answered the call. "Hello?" I croaked. I probably sounded sick or something. "Lieutenant Motley. It's Admiral Simpson, how are you? You don't sound so good." I cleared my throat before answering, not wanting to sound worse than I am. "I just have a migraine. How can I help you Admiral?" I bit my lip, anticipating the news. "As of Monday your paperwork to be reinstated will be completed. I was just wondering if you were ready to come back?" I nodded to myself, excitement growing. "Absolutely. I am more than ready." 

"Good, we'll see you at 0600 on Monday morning." I kicked my legs in excitement. "Thank you, Admiral." We exchanged our goodbyes before I threw myself back on the bed, squealing in excitement. Suddenly I felt something wet, sitting up I looked down seeing mother nature made her appearance, a whole week late. "SON OF A BITCH!" I yelled out in anger, my excitement dying as I realized I now had to clean. I got up, ripping the sheets off the bed forcing Dahlia to get up before I dragged them downstairs and tossed them in the washer. The phone call was a distraction and as that faded I felt the pounding in my head again so I took another dose of meds, not caring how long it had been since my last dose. I went back upstairs getting back in the shower and scrubbing my body clean once again before putting on fresh clothes, basically one of Rooster's UVA shirts and underwear, pants or shorts are just too tight right now. 

I went back downstairs with my dirty clothes, putting the sheets in the dryer and the clothes in the washer before grabbing a water and tossing myself down onto the couch. I once again just laid there, sleep never coming like I hoped. Tear spilled down my cheeks in frustration. All I wanted was to sleep for days and I couldn't even sleep for five minutes and with a migraine coming on it just made me feel worse. I cried, hard. Hoping that would tire me out but it didn't, it only made me sick. I rushed into the downstairs bathroom, throwing up what little I had in my system. I cried as I leaned against the wall, just wanting things to go back to normal. When I was sure I wouldn't puke again I managed to crawl back into the living room, grabbing my phone and making my way upstairs. I went back into the bathroom, opening the drawer that I keep my feminine products and only finding one tampon left. "Fuck." 

Once I was finished in the bathroom and washed my hands I went and laid on the bed dialing Phoenix's number. "Hey, Magnolia. You okay?" I shook my head. "I'm out of tampons. Would you be the love of my life and grab me a box when you leave base?" She hummed. "Absolutely. Anything else?" I thought for a minute, a sharp pain passing through my lower abdomen. "A heating pad. I haven't been able to find mine since the move." I said rolling onto my stomach to ease the ache. "I can do that. Can you wait till we finish at four?" I nodded. "Yeah, I can. Door's unlocked. Thank you, Phoenix." I could practically hear her smile on the other side of the line. "You're welcome, Magnolia." With that I hung up, hoping that if anything the pain from my oncoming migraine would knock me unconscious. 

~~~

"Bradshaw!" Phoenix yelled at him, catching his attention as he climbed out of the cockpit of his jet. "I'm not up for a lecture, Phoenix." He said meeting her halfway across the hangar. "I just want to know why my best friend is ignoring me? You never gave Hangman and I an explanation last night when you said she was gone." He huffed, pushing past her but she stopped him by grabbing the helmet he had in his hand. "You don't get this back until I get an explanation." He glared at her, not up for her antics today. "I fucked up." Phoenix raised a brow at the vagueness he offered her. "Explain." She said and he sighed, moving his sunglasses from the bridge of his nose, up to his hair. 

"You know I asked her to move in, right?" She nodded, spinning the helmet in her hands. "I had been planning to renovate and we agreed to do it together before she officially moved in. I told her to wait for me to get home before she started, I told her it was because I didn't want her to hurt herself but really I wanted to be there when we started. We were tearing out all the things my parents did to that house, it was harder than I thought to start this process but when I got home..." He paused, catching his breath as sadness swelled in his chest. "Dammit, Phoenix. She had already taken the bedframe apart and ripped up over half of the carpet upstairs. Hell, she had even sanded the entire bedframe and stained it black." Phoenix raised a brow. "I'm confused. Did you not want those things done?"

Of course she was confused. Rooster meant everything to Magnolia, she wouldn't just go making changes unless she was sure he was on board. But from what Rooster had told her, she had been acting weird the last few days. "I did, I did. I just, it was overwhelming to walk in and see the house upside down. My parents boombox and a box of cassette tapes had been set on the mantle because she was listening to them. She found them in the closet along with some home videos my parents made." He had tears in his eyes as he spoke. "So what's the problem?" Phoenix asked trying to understand what drove them apart so suddenly. 

"I yelled at her. I told her she didn't get to come in and make changes, I told her it was my house and she could've caused some real damage and fuck up something." Phoenix's face fell, realizing Rooster did more than just hurt her feelings. He basically told her she was a fuck up, and that she couldn't do things right. Just like Aaron basically had for their entire relationship. "I also told her the house meant more to me than anything else." He said, running his hands over his face. There it was. He categorized her second, which probably hurt more than anything else he said. "I tried apologizing to her that night, I stood in front of her door for a whole hour just knocking and talking. I think she was there but I couldn't be sure, so I just left the food I brought home in front of her door. She opened the door and took it pretty quick and she sent me a thank you text but she wouldn't actually talk to me."

Phoenix just crossed her arms over her chest, looking at him as he beat himself up mentally and emotionally. "I can't function Phoenix. She became part of my every day life so fast, I woke up this morning still expecting her and Dahlia to be in the bed and neither of them were. Then her mom called me in a panic saying Mags yelled and cussed at her." Phoenix furrowed her brows. That was very strange behavior for Magnolia. She's always so kind with her mother, they may yell but she always makes it a point to never cuss at her mom and vice versa. "She was rambling on about how she thought she was having a manic episode." Phoenix felt like she stepped into another dimension. This wasn't the Magnolia she knew.

"Manic? Magnolia suffered from depression in her marriage but I've never heard of her having any form of mania. I think that usually comes with bipolar one." Rooster's eyebrows shot up. "That's why she was going on about not being crazy last night." He said, realizing why she was going on about it. "What?" "Last night, when I got to the hard deck. She was talking to Penny and she thought Mags should talk to someone. Then Mags said she hadn't been speaking to her therapist since before the uranium mission." Phoenix's eyebrows shot up. "No, she was supposed to be in therapy for a whole three years." Rooster looked to her confused. "It was something the doctor suggested after the accident. Her marriage is a lot of baggage to unpack so when she started seeing her therapist she recommended three years as a baseline to unpack everything." 

Rooster groaned, falling into a chair that sat next to him. "She thought we were calling her crazy and she kept going on about how she wasn't. We just wanted her to get help but she was flying off the handle." Phoenix was growing worried for her best friend, her unusual behavior setting off all the alarm bells in her head. "Did she say anything about hurting herself?" Rooster shook his head and glared at Phoenix. "I wouldn't have given her the option of being alone if she did. She just said she wanted to be alone and that I 'Shouldn't come knocking on her door.' as she put it." Phoenix nodded, sitting in the chair next to him. "I need to talk to her, apologize and help her but I have to have a reason to see her first. She won't answer the door otherwise." Phoenix hummed when suddenly her phone rang, and the name on the screen made her gasp. "It's her." She said standing and answering, Rooster basically pressed against her to listen to the conversation. 

The entire time, she was shoving Rooster off trying to get him to give her space. Until finally she hung up, Rooster looking at her with raised brows. "You have your in." She said as she put her phone in one of her pockets. "Her period hit. She needs tampons and a new heating pad." Rooster nodded enthusiastically, willing to do anything for her. "I told her I would get it after work. Do not screw this up because if you do then she'll hate us both." He nodded, pulling Phoenix into a hug. "Oh my god, thank you Phoenix." She smiled and hugged her back. "Go the extra mile and get her favorite dish from that Italian place she loves, she loves carbs on her period." Rooster nodded and turned away before she stopped him again. "I don't think her behavior is being caused by mother nature dropping in. I still think there's something else there." He nodded, his grim features matching her. "Me too."

With that he went about his day, ready to just be done with the day. He just wanted to go home and take care of his girl, after days apart he just wanted to be in her presence. He got what she needed from the drugstore, along with a KitKat bar before heading off to the Italian restaurant and getting the food before going and getting her a simple bouquet of roses from the florist. He sped home, hoping to see her as soon as possible. His smile made his face ache as he grabbed everything making his way to her door. He debated on knocking but if she felt bad then maybe she left it unlocked, she told him she tends to do that so people can come in if they need, not that he agrees that it's safe. 

He slowly opened the door to the spotless house, looking around for her hoping he would see her before she had the chance to run him out. "Mags." He called out gently, trying not to be too loud in case she was asleep. He set the food and flowers on the coffee table, taking the bag with the tampons and heating pad upstairs with him. He peeked into her room, expecting to see her in bed but nothing, he even looked in her bathroom. His concern started growing when he didn't see her anywhere upstairs. As he came back down stairs he noticed Dahlia jumping up and down. "Hey, big girl." He said attempting to pet her but all she did was throw her head around and make her way towards the kitchen. 

He followed her, confused as to why she wouldn't let him pet her. He followed her into the kitchen, his heart stopping at the sight before him. It was only Magnolia's bare legs from her mid-thighs down but from what he could see it seemed she was face down on the floor. His body immediately reacted, sliding on his knees till he was next to her body. "Magnolia!" He called frantically, checking for a pulse and finding one but it was faint. He looked around finding a bunch of pills in the floor and a spot that looked like she vomited up stomach acid. "No. No. No. Magnolia! Please! You gotta wake up for me!" He panicked, pulling her into his arms as he leaned against her cabinets. 

He pulled out his phone, fumbling it into the floor multiple times before he finally picked it up and dialed 911. "911, what's your emergency?" He cleared his throat trying to make sure the operator could hear him clearly. "I'm at 423 Oceanside Lane in Miramar, I found my girlfriend unconscious and I think she took a bunch of her migraine pills." Saying the words out loud made him feel sick and partly responsible. "Okay sir, what's your girlfriends name?" He choked on a sob as her head rolled back in his arms, her face showing nothing but peace. "Caila Motley. Lieutenant Caila Motley." The operator hummed in acknowledgement. "Okay and do you know the exact name of the pills she took and how high the dosage was?" 

"It's Sum-something. Suma-" "Sumatriptan?" He nodded. "That's it and it's fifty milligrams a pill." He jostled Magnolia slightly, hoping she would wake up. "Okay and does she have a heart beat?" He set the phone down, finding the faint heartbeat in her neck before grabbing the phone again. "Yeah, it's faint but it's there." "Good, I have an ambulance en route. Do you want me to stay on the line?" He shook his head. If these were his last moments with her then he wanted it to just be him and her, he had things to say, things he needed her to hear. "No, thank you." They hung up and he tossed his phone to the floor immediately making sure Magnolia was wrapped up in both of his arms. 

"I'm sorry, Mags. I never should've said those things to you. It's just a house but you, you mean everything to me pretty girl. I never thought of living in a world without you, but I now realize I can't do it." This tears were a constant stream on his cheeks, his own words making him realize how dire this situation truly is. "I was considering proposing you know? My mom's sister still has a house in Virginia that has some of my stuff still in it. When she came home from Paris I wanted to go and get my mom's wedding ring. You'd love it. It's gold with a beautiful pear shaped diamond in it. Nothing could match your beauty though." He grabbed her left hand, bring her fingers up for a kiss. "It'd look perfect on your hand, where it belongs." He looked back at her blank face as more tears slipped out, a few falling onto her face which he wiped away. "I should've been here, I should've tried harder. I love you, pretty girl. Even if you hate me, I will always love you." He whispered as he shifted her body, checking her pulse again, a sigh of relief escaping as he felt the faint beating. 

He buried his face in her hair, placing a kiss to it as he heard the sirens making Dahlia rise from her guarding position next to Rooster. "Down, Dahls." The black Great Dane listened, taking her place next to Rooster her ears still up and pointed at the front door. "They're here to help you, honey. We're gonna get you help and everything is gonna be okay." He heard the door open and a voice call out. "Miramar EMS!" He leaned over to be visible from the front door. "We're in here." 

Medics and an officer rushed in, back to the kitchen where Rooster still held her limp body. "She still has a heart beat." He said and they nodded, rolling her out of his arms and onto her back on the floor. "What's her name?" One medic asked as the officer pulled Bradley to the side. "Caila Motley." Rooster watched them work, taking her vitals and such when suddenly one pulled out smelling salts. "Hey, that's not protocol." His partner called out as he opened the smelling salts, waving them under Magnolia's nose. "I don't think she OD'd." The other said when suddenly she started coughing.

Rooster's hands fell to his knees, holding himself up as he sobbed. "You woke me up." She cried out, tears streaming down her face. "Miss Motley, can you tell us where you are?" She continued to cry as Rooster pushed away from the officer, going to her. Falling on his knees next to her, taking her face in his hand. "Bradley?" He nodded, brushing some loose hairs back into her short ponytail. "It's me, pretty girl. Can you tell the medics where you are?" Her eyes flitted around before she looked to the medics. "My kitchen." She said as she started crying again. "Why are you so upset, ma'am?" One asked as she continued to cry. "You woke me up!" She sounded so pitiful, the sound almost making Rooster's heart break in two. "Why is that such a bad thing?" The other asked and she shot up into a sitting position. "I haven't slept in over sixty fucking hours! That's why!" Rooster grabbed her, holding her to his chest as he tried to calm her. 

"Were you purposefully sleeping on the floor, miss Motley?" The officer asked confused and she scoffed. "Of course not." The medics motioned for her to stand, Bradley helping her into a chair. "Then why were you in the floor?" Rooster asked and she looked down at her hands that were resting on top of the island. "I passed out." Rooster's face paled at her words. "Do you know how that happened?" She nodded, her eyes welling with tears. "I have a migraine. I went to take one of my pills for it when I thought I saw someone walking by the doorway there." She said pointing to the kitchen doorway. Rooster's blood ran cold, the door had been unlocked and anyone could've walked in off the street. His hands gripped the back of the chair, his knuckles turning white at the thought of someone else being in here with her while she was alone. 

"It startled me and I dropped the bottle and the pills went everywhere. I bent down too fast and got sick, the room was spinning and I still felt sick so I decided to lay on the ground to calm myself and wound up falling asleep, finally." The medics nodded. "Do you mind if I take a look around? Just to be safe." Magnolia sighed, rubbing her forehead but nodded anyway. "Be my guest. I'm sure it was a hallucination though." The officer nodded, walking away as the medics decided to check her for a concussion. Once they were done they packed up. "Everything seems fine. But I would recommend going to the doctor about the not sleeping and your moods." She rolled her eyes but nodded anyway. 

"I'll walk you guys out." Rooster said before following the medics to the front door. "Thank you guys, seriously." They nodded, shaking his hand as the officer joined them. "Looks all clear to me." He thanked him as one of the medics spoke up. "It really seems like she may be having a manic episode. I would take her to the doctor first thing tomorrow morning." He sighed but nodded. They left and he shut the door. How was he supposed to get her to the doctor? She'll surely refuse to go and he can't trick her, she'd never trust him again. He turned and grabbed the food before he walked back into the kitchen, seeing her with her head on the counter. "Huh, you're still here." She quipped and he couldn't help the small smile that grew on his face. "I'm not going anywhere." 

He looked down at the floor, seeing the pills were still there. "I'll clean this up and then we'll get you a shower and you can eat the food I brought." He said reaching to brush some hair from her face when she leaned away, making his heart crack slightly. "It's my house, I'll clean it up." She muttered but as she went to stand from the chair he blocked her, causing her to fall back into the seat. "Okay, stop. What I said was harsh and I'm sorry. I never should've said any of those things to you." She hung her head, fiddling with her fingers. "I was wrong. It's not my house, it's ours now. It was the second we discussed you moving in. But you can't keep shutting me out, Mags. I'm not going to let you." She picked her head up, avoiding his gaze as ore tears streamed down her face. 

"I'm so sorry for hurting you. I should've told you from the beginning but I wasn't worried about you hurting yourself." Her head snapped to him, her brows furrowed in anger or confusion. "It was hard to think about the house changing and I wanted to be there when we started. I still hadn't come to terms with the renovation, so when I walked in it was just all so overwhelming but it's no excuse for what I said." She stared into his eyes as he spoke, looking for any possible lies. "Why didn't you tell me the truth?" He shrugged. "I was worried you'd think I was weak for wanting to hold onto something like that." Her eyes immediately softened, one of her hands coming up to rest on his cheek. "Oh, Roo, no. They were your parents, there's nothing wrong with wanting to hold onto those memories." 

Tears flowed down his cheeks once again at the feeling of her soft hands on his face. They were much smaller than his but cradled his face well. He leaned into her touch as she placed a soft kiss to his chin. "I'm sorry, Roo. I've been such a bitch these past two days and-" "No you haven't." She scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Yes I have. I just feel like I'm losing my mind here. I have all this energy, my moods are all over the place and I literally haven't slept in almost sixty-two hours. Something's wrong with me Rooster and I feel like I'm slipping." He pursed his lips, nodding as his forehead rested on hers. "We're going to get you some help, Mags. I promise." She took a shaky breath, scared at the simple thought of walking into a doctor's office. 

"Bradley, what if they diagnose me with something that pulls me from flying? I don't know how to do anything else. I would lose everything." A sob racked her body as he pulled her into his chest, placing a soft kiss to her forehead as she cried. "Hey, hey. No you won't, the team will always be here. I will always be here. We will figure something out, you won't be alone in this." She sobbed some more as he rocked her body back and forth until she finally calmed down. "Now, I'm going to clean this up. You're going to shower and then I'm going to feed you." She hiccupped, sitting up so she wasn't leaning against him anymore. "I need a few things that Phoenix was bringing." He scratched the back of his neck, scrunching his face at her. "That's why I'm here."

She stared at him in confusion for a minute. "I knew you wouldn't talk to me without a reason so she told me to get the stuff you needed and bring it here." His hands came up to cradle her face when he thought about her lying on the floor, his heart breaking all over again. "So many things ran through my mind when I saw you on the floor. But when I saw all those pills, I really thought I had lost you." She shook her head. "I'd never do that. I'm sorry that I scared you." He shook his head. "Don't apologize, honey." They held each other for a few more minutes before they pulled away. "Alright, go get your shower. I'll clean up and reheat the food I brought." She nodded, standing and slowly making her way upstairs. Rooster quickly picked up the pills, tossing them in the trash before cleaning the floor. 

~~~

The shower felt nice, more relaxing than anything else the last few days. I ran my hands through my hair, rinsing the shampoo out as the bathroom door opened. "Mags?" I hummed in response, his voice bringing me comfort. "Mind if I join? I'm still sweaty from training." I smiled at his question. "Yeah." I said almost too quietly. I heard him strip and I faced the shower head as he got in. I felt him carefully place a kiss on my shoulder as I washed my face, his hands gently landing on my waist. "This okay?" I nodded before turning to face him. "Why did you come back?" I asked, sliding my hands up his chest until they rested on his shoulders. 

He pulled me closer till our bodies were touching, his lips landing on my forehead. "Why wouldn't I?" He asked before grabbing my conditioner. "I was awful to you. That first night I just needed to be alone but the next day I was so angry with you and this morning too. I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to see me again." He chuckled, his hands cradling my face. "Honey, I'm here for the long haul. I'm not going anywhere." I leaned my head on his chest as I cried. "I'm sorry, Bradley." He kissed my head, rocking me back and forth. "I'll always forgive you, pretty girl. Now come on, let's finish in here. I think I just came up with another surprise for you." I wiped the tears from my face as he started running the conditioner through my short hair. 

"You don't have to do anything for me Bradley, you've done so much today." He shook his head. "No, you're gonna love it." He said pecking my cheek. We finished our shower and I put on another one of his shirts before going downstairs. I walked in to see him put the pasta in a skillet to reheat it. "Uh uh, go sit." I furrowed my brows. "I'm not doing anything." He shook his head. "But I know you will. Now, that's heating up but you are going to park your pretty self on the couch." He said wrapping his arms around my waist, picking me up and carrying me to the couch. "Dahlia!" He called, patting the couch, encouraging her to jump onto the couch and lay her head in my lap. 

"Stay here, pretty girl." He took off our my front door, leaving it open and I looked to Dahlia with furrowed brows. "What just happened, Dahlia?" I asked her confused, she just groaned and laid across my lap. After a minute he came back in with the box of home movies and the VCR. "What are you doing?" I asked, giggling as he juggled the box. "My parents aren't here, so I'm going to do the next best thing to introduce you to my parents." He said tossing me a wink before he sat on the floor in front of the tv. "Need some help?" He shook his head. "Nope." I watched as he hooked everything up, and pulled out a tape. 

"Let me get dinner and we'll play this." I nodded as he disappeared into the kitchen, leaving me to my thoughts. I still felt awful but to have a man like Bradley who decided to stick around through my craziness? If that's not god's work I don't know what is. After a few minutes he came back in, two plates in hand as well as a migraine pill and some water. "Dahlia, off." She slinked off the couch, meandering over to her bed, basically throwing herself into it. "I have never met a dog with more personality." Rooster said as he handed me my plate and meds. "She gets it from her mama." I said grinning at him. I took my meds as he sat down, pulling my feet over, tucking my toes under his thighs. He knows how cold I get and my toes always stay cold, so I'm always tucked into him in some way. 

"Now, let me show you this." He said turning on the VCR and starting the tape. "Oh, finally!" A blonde woman yelled into the camera. She had light blue eyes and short blonde hair, her voice was loud which made me smile. "NICK!" She yelled, turning the camera around. "Honey. You'll wake him up." I immediately choked on my food as I heard his voice. Rooster paused the tv and patted my back. "Honey, hey. You okay?" I took a deep breath as I cleared my throat. "We have to get there before they do. Increase speed." "We got you, Mav. Don't wait for me." "Sir, Daggers, two and four are behind schedule." I don't think I have felt religious or prayed in years, but in that moment I didn't know what else to do, so I simply bowed my head. I listened and said a silent prayer in my head, but four little words made me perk up. "Talk to me, dad." 'It'll be okay, Caila.' I shook my head. I didn't recognize the voice, it wasn't booming and thunderous as most people claim God to be. It sounded caring, strong, comforting. "Come on, kid. Don't think, just do."

"Mags." He called and I looked to him. "You'll think I'm genuinely crazy if I tell you." He shook his head, pulling me closer to kiss my forehead. "I'll never think you're crazy, just tell me." He said as he took my hand in his. "On the mission when you got behind schedule, I didn't know what else to do so I started praying." He nodded as he listened intently. "When I did, you said, 'Talk to me, dad.' and I heard this... voice. It said 'It'll be okay, Caila.' and I thought it was maybe a voice I created in my head, or god but that's highly doubtful." He nodded, squeezing my hand. I stared at the tv, a tall man with blonde a hair and brown eyes stood with the tiniest baby in his arms. "I think it was your dad." I said falling back into the couch. "You think my dad told you it would all be okay?" I nodded. "It sounds ridiculous. You know, just pretend I didn't say that." 

I felt ridiculous telling my boyfriend his dad that's been dead since 1986, spoke to me through some supernatural form of communication. "Mags, my dad is dead, he has been for a long time." I nodded. "I know and now I feel like shit for bringing it up." He set his plate down on the coffee table, pulling me into him. "No, don't feel bad. It doesn't seem so ridiculous." I furrowed my brows at him. "Once in a while when I'm struggling I think I hear my mom. But she hasn't been gone as long as dad." I stared down at my plate. "I don't think your crazy." I shrugged. "I do. This is the first time I've ever seen a video of your dad or heard his voice. How do you explain it?" He shrugged, pursing his lips. 

"Maybe he was just telling you it was going to be okay. It did turn out okay, didn't it?" I stared at him, surprised he wasn't upset with me. "After I felt like I was dying, I guess it did." He chuckled and played the video. "He spent almost ten months with me, if he's not used to my loud voice now then he never will be." We laughed at his mother's words. She moved closer, zooming in on the babies face. "Hi Bradley." My bottom lip jutted out as I looked at baby Bradley. "Oh my god you were adorable." He chuckled as we continued to watch his parents dote on him. We watched a few more videos, his first steps, his first words, his first birthday. Then he took our dishes to the kitchen while I picked out another tape. I grabbed an unmarked one and put it in and pressed play. 

It was a video of Nick and Carol, smiling into the camera. "Hi baby! So, it's your wedding day. We wanted to make this video for you now, to remind you how much we love you and we have a few words for you and whatever woman decided to marry our amazing boy!" I immediately turned it off and pulled it out, not wanting to spoil it. If we ever got married, I wanted this video to be a surprise for both of us. I grabbed a random one and popped it in as he came back, a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream in hand and two spoons. I smiled at him, rushing over and sitting next to him. "What'd you put in?" I shrugged, realizing I really didn't pay attention. "I really don't know, I just grabbed one." I said as I grabbed the pint from him. He hit play, before pulling my legs over his, gently rubbing my calves. 

Cheering started on the tv, a video showing Bradley standing on home plate at a high school baseball field. "Oh shit, this is my senior year, we made it all the way to the championships." I watched, Carol's cheering drowning out every other voice around her making me giggle. "I can see why our parent's got along, our mom's voice sat on the same decibel." He laughed loudly at my words. I watched as the Bradley on the tv swung the bat, connecting with the ball and the cheers turned to screaming. "GO BABY! GO! GO! GO!" Carol's voice screamed out as Bradley took off in a sprint. He cleared every base, diving chest first onto home plate. More cheers erupted and the camera shook as everyone around Carol jostled around. The team lifted Bradley up, carrying him across the field, making us laugh. 

The video shut off and cut back on as Carol walked towards Bradley in the dugout. "You're daddy would be so proud." She said as she pulled him into a hug. "I know, mom." I got a good look at his face, smiling  at the sight. He was adorable with his flushed cheeks, and baby face. I looked to him, admiring the difference. "What?" I smiled at him. "You looked so cute, all baby faced!" I said pinching his cheek. He pushed my hand away, smiling at me. "Imagine if we met in high school." I laughed loudly as he stared at me. "What?" I looked to him, his confused face making him look adorable. "Did you forget we have a nine year age gap?" HIs eyebrows shot up as if he remembered. "Oh shit, so you were in like the third grade when I was a high school senior." 

"This just took a weird turn." He said, looking to me. "We're both adults now and I'll be thirty next year... I'll be thirty next year!" I yelled out, realizing I was almost thirty. He laughed at me eating more ice cream. "You're getting old." I glared at him. "Sir, that means you will be one year shy of forty next year." His face fell and he capped the ice cream, launching himself across the couch and tackling me, tickling my sides. "Tired yet?" He asked when he stopped, still laying on me. I shook my head, my mood souring. "No." He sat up, pulling me with him so he was laying on his back and I was on his chest. "What if I don't sleep tonight?" I asked as he ran his fingers through my still damp hair. "Then I guess I'll tire you out." I raised a brow at him. "You realize I-" "We'll lay down a towel, it'll be okay." 

We spent the next few hours cuddling on the couch, his hands running up and down my back, trying to soothe me to sleep but it didn't work. I didn't feel like I was bursting at the seams with energy but I still wasn't sleepy. "Come on, let's get you in the bed." He said standing and pulling me with him. He held my hand all the way upstairs, where I brushed my teeth before laying in the bed. He was sitting up in the bed, not under the covers and just watching me. "Are you not laying down?" I asked and he raised a brow at me. "Do you want me to stay?" I nodded. "I think you not being here is part of the reason I haven't been sleeping. So yes, I want you to stay." He smiled at me before getting up and going to brush his teeth. 

The room was dark, usually that wouldn't bother me, as I prefer to sleep in the pitch black but tonight it did bother me. I heard something move over towards my closet, my eyes darting over to that corner. It was noise traveling from the bathroom it had to be, there was no other explanation for it. I kept my eyes on the corner, not able to look away. I continued to stare when I thought I saw a hand come out from under the closet door. I jumped over, turning on the lamp just as Bradley came out of the bathroom. "You okay?" He asked. I stared at the closet, waiting for something else to happen. 

He turned to where I was staring, before going over and throwing the door open. He flipped on the light finding nothing. "Did you see something?" He asked coming out, turning off the light and closing the door. I took a deep breath, fiddling with my fingers as I stared at the quilt on my bed. "Hey." I felt him crawl on the bed, taking a seat next to me as he turned my face to look at him. "You're not crazy. You said earlier you haven't slept in over sixty hours, that messes with your mind. If we can get you some sleep, you'll get better." I shook my head. "I'm not tired. How am I not tired? I shouldn't even be able to stand on my own." He shook his head as I started getting stressed. "Mags. Do you want me to take you to a hospital or something?" I shook my head as he brushed some hair from my face. "No, I really won't sleep there." 

"What do you want me to do?" He asked as his hand rested on my thigh. "Hold me?" He nodded, turning off the lamp and climbing in bed behind me. "You'll be okay, Mags. I've got you." He whispered as his arms wrapped around me, pulling me back into his chest. "I love you, pretty girl." He said before placing a soft kiss to the back of my neck. "I love you too, Roo." I replied as more tears streamed down my face. I laid there with my eyes closed, listening to his breathing, trying to focus on it and match it. I tried that for a while and it didn't work. I finally opened my eyes and wished I hadn't, I saw a shadow in the corner. I watched as it grew taller and taller, I knew I was hallucinating and decided to roll over and bury my face in Rooster's chest. Thankful he was there with me tonight, to help keep me sane. 

His hands shifted, one on my back the other running through my hair. I laid there breathing in his scent, it calming me down. My foot itched and I used my other foot to scratch it, not wanting to shift away from Rooster for fear I'd see something. It itched again and I was getting frustrated, scratching it. I laid there a while longer until something that felt like a hand touched my calf, making me jolt. "Hey. Shh, I got you." Rooster's sleepy voice spoke out, his arms pulling me closer. I curled my legs up, sticking my feet between his legs to keep them warm. I laid there and suddenly my body felt heavier and I was slipping in and out of consciousness. I tried to keep my breathing steady, not wanting to get excited about the oncoming drowsiness. 

"Magnolia." I buried my face in Rooster's chest, hoping he would stop saying my name. "Magnolia." It was a little louder now, so I hummed in response hoping he would stop and let me slip back into a peaceful state. "Magnolia." My head snapped up, ready to rip him a new one for keeping me awake when I heard soft snores escaping his lips. Please be sleep talking, please be sleep talking. I silently prayed, hoping he was just calling out for me in his sleep. I stared at his lips carefully, watching for any movement. "Magnolia." It was the same volume as the last one and I clenched my eyes shut, Rooster's lips never moved, in fact a louder snore escaped him as my name was called. "Nope. uh-uh." I muttered as I ever so carefully got out of bed, quietly going downstairs and into the kitchen. I pulled out the jar of Russian tea I kept, and putting some water on to boil. 

Dahlia wandered in, looking up at me in confusion. "What is wrong with me?" I asked her, she simply groaned and wandered back into the living room. I listened as her nails clicked on the hardwood until finally she groaned, telling me she laid down in her bed. I made my tea when the water was hot, sipping on it as I stood there under the light from the stove. I looked around, on high alert for anything that moved and finally something did, a shadow in the kitchen doorway. Just like the one that scared me shitless earlier. I stared in fear, as it slowly walked across the doorway, disappearing on the other side. "Mags." I heard a whisper and a sob racked my body. "Leave me alone." I muttered, setting my mug down on the counter as I covered my eyes with my free hand. I heard footsteps coming closer and I shoved myself back into the counter. "Mags." It was more clear this time and I cried, pleading with my mind to stop. It was all hallucinations, visual and auditory. 

"Mags." A had landed on my arm and I let out a scream as I jumped. "Mags, it's me." Rooster said as he grabbed my arms, keeping me from hitting him. "Mags, we have to get you some help." I nodded as he pulled me into him. "I thought you were a hallucination." He sighed and rubbed my back, rocking our bodies. "No, I'm really here, honey. What made you get up?" I sighed. "I thought I saw something in the corner. I told myself it was a hallucination and rolled over so I was facing you, then it felt like someone laid their hand on my leg which made me jump, and then something that sounded like you said my name when I was almost asleep. I thought you were sleep talking but you weren't, so I got up and came down here." He sighed, pulling me closer to him, tucking my head under his chin. "I didn't wake you, did I?" He quickly shook his head. "No, not at all. I guess I could just tell you weren't in the bed and your spot was cold. I got worried so I came looking for you. I thought you might've left or something." I shook my head. 

"No, I'm here." He sighed, pressing his lips to my forehead. "I'm taking the day off tomorrow, and I'm taking you to the doctor." I shook my head. "You don't have to, Bradley. I can take myself."  He shook his head. "Mm, no you can't. You shouldn't be driving so I will take you first thing in the morning." I sighed, knowing I wouldn't win and not having the energy to argue. "Thank you, Roo. I appreciate it." He nodded, kissing my head. "I'll always be here, Mags." Suddenly he picked me up bridal style. "Now, come on. Let's see if we can't get you to sleep." He took me back upstairs, laying me in the bed before crawling in and pulling my head into his chest. While I still didn't sleep, I kept my ear to his chest, his heartbeat drowning out all other noises and allowing me to at least lie next to him in peace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist:

@mak-32 @rosiahills22 @dhwanishah09

[knoxsunday]

Crash Into You | Chapter One

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x OC Female Character

Summary: The Dagger Squadron's new flight surgeon, Lt Jess Harris has disliked Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw since college. Now that she's the Dagger's flight surgeon, she can no longer avoid Rooster and their contentious past.

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: some cussing

A/N: Hello! There's a lot of exposition here, so bare with me on this first chapter. And as a disclaimer, I know very little about medicine and the military so anything in here is literally from looking stuff up and skimming wiki articles. Thank you for reading ♥

Prologue | Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five

I'll get this out in the open: I didn't exactly care for Rooster and I'm certain he doesn't like me either. We matriculated at UVA together, though rarely ever crossed paths aside from various house parties mostly because I was on the pre med track and he was a political science major. There were some distinct moments that I always reference as reasons as to why Bradley Bradshaw is The Worst.

The first was the three weeks I was taking Intro to Poli Sci for some extra credits. Bradley rarely participated in class except when arguing the other side of an issue I had voiced my own opinion on. In the span of three weeks, we had gotten into five heated debates, all of which ended in the professor having to step in just to move the class along. And Bradley never failed to look smug when lobbing his counterpoints across the room, like he was toying with me. I ended up dropping the class because my workload that semester turned out to be oppressive and something had to give.

He found me in the library a few weeks after our last class together and asked if I chickened out of the course because he was the superior orator. I told him his views were too simplified and that he relied too much on emotional arguments. Bradley's counter argument was I leaned too heavily on data and facts when in reality geopolitics are more nuanced. I might have insulted his intelligence and he probably called me callus. The details have gotten fuzzy over time. But I definitely remember flipping him off. He just laughed and gave me two middle fingers right back.

The second was sophomore year when he and his friends woke up half my apartment floor looking for someone who didn't even live in my building. I had pulled an all-nighter the day before and had really been looking forward to getting some much needed rest. But no! Bradley and his merry group of drunks woke me up yelling for Emily or Emma or something. I stormed out of my apartment and gave them a piece of my mind. Instead of apologizing for the ruckus, Bradley tried to flirt his way around my sleep deprived fury - the audacity. There was no way he thought I was actually "lookin' good", what with my ratty t-shirt and old gym shorts, pony tail falling out of its elastic tie and days old mascara smudges under my eyes. But his smirky smile didn't falter and I swear I caught him looking at my chest instead of listening to my noise complaint.

Ugh, men.

Had I not already developed a dislike for Bradley at this point, I might have given him a pass. (College kids are allowed to let off steam and it was just after midterms, after all.) Bradley was definitely cute in his college days: kind, brown eyes and an easy smile; dark, wavy hair that flopped over his forehead on one side. His face was a bit boyish, still in transition from teenager to adulthood. He was easy to spot, too. Bradley's fondness for Hawaiian shirts made him stick out in a crowd. That and he was easily six foot, if not taller. But no such luck with me, oh no. No amount of Bradshaw Charm could get him off my shit list that night.

I saw him the most at parties after that, wherein I learned we are both extremely competitive and don't take losing beer pong well. I lost count of the number of drunken rematches, but we had earned a reputation for quarreling over anything if left alone for too long. My roommate banned me from playing party games my junior year. This coincided around the time Bradley and my roommate were 'dating' but 'not dating'. I made myself very scarce those long four weeks. They broke up after Bradley said he didn't want anything serious - which is how all of his relationships were rumored to end. I sat with my roommate as she cried into a value size tub of cheese puffs, offering to kick him in the nuts next time I saw him. She never took me up on the offer.

More recently, of course, there was the time we crossed paths on a carrier post-college. I was doing a two week rotation on the USS Ford as a fresh faced flight surgeon. Rooster was still trying to stake his claim as the best naval aviator in his squad and had beat out a few of his other squadron members for a high profile mission. The morning of the mission came and his commanding officer pulled him because he looked like he was about to pass out when he showed up for the final debrief. When he came down to the clinic, he was sweating profusely due to a high fever and had a nasty cough. I had been the on duty surgeon, unfortunately for both of us. Neither knew the other was on board, making the entire exam one of the more excruciatingly long moments in my adult life. We exchanged awkward, stiff pleasantries and I gave him the bad news that he had the flu which meant I couldn’t clear him to fly. Like seemingly all pilots I've met, he had something to prove and did not take the news well. He stormed out after some unkind words and I didn’t see him the rest of the time I was on the Ford.

His career obviously didn’t take the meteoric blow like he claimed through a stuffy nose several years ago. Rooster had graduated first out of Top Gun, was a well respected and decorated pilot, and now part of the newly formed, elite special task squadron known as the Daggers. I’d say he overreacted just a bit. Either way, Bradley Bradshaw was loud, annoyingly proud, and egotistical. A position I maintain to this day but didn't exactly vocalize because everyone seems to genuinely like him around the halls of Top Gun. My active avoidance of anything involving Rooster has been noticed by Phoenix though she never pushes the issue. Either she really wasn't as nosey as she claimed or she just didn't care.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In theory, half my time at Top Gun should be spent in the clinic, the other half split between running training evac exercises and flying with pilots. What I was not expecting when taking this post was getting assigned as the Dagger Squadron's flight surgeon, which is how I find myself on an aircraft carrier and not sneaking into the debrief room at Top Gun because it has the best coffee on base. Their old flight surgeon was promoted last week and left to do a stint on the USS Mercy, leaving me as the new Dagger flight surgeon. Wherever they go, I go.

The job title 'flight surgeon' is a bit misleading and I try to avoid using it around civilians. I'm not performing regular surgical procedures on pilots, though I'm not too bad with a scalpel. Really it's just an outdated title for a general practitioner who deals specifically with aviators as patients. I'm trained to make sure naval aviators and their crew can handle the stresses of their job (and there's a lot of mental and physical stress in the cockpit) along with treating minor aches and pains and chronic illnesses.

Phoenix was surprised to see me but also mildly miffed I hadn't told her my 'new job' meant being on base the night we met.

“Not a pilot but you work with pilots, eh?” She had said after a light punch to my arm. “Please tell me you aren’t always that evasive with your answers.”

“It depends,” I responded with a coy smile and she just laughed.

She is part of the Daggers, along with Bob. The two had basically adopted me after my first day. I didn’t see Bob and Phoenix often, but I’ve had lunch with them a few times. Phoenix came over for dinner two weekends ago and helped me assemble Ikea furniture in my new rental by the beach. It digressed quickly once we added forzen margaritas to the equation. I met the other Daggers as they filtered in and out of the clinic for various reasons. They were a tight knit group led by the legendary Captain Pete "Maverick" Mitchell. When they weren't teaching Top Gun students, they were assigned to highly classified missions that required only the most skilled pilots to carry out.

I didn't know what today's mission on the Ford was but it only required two pilots who ended up being Hangman and Rooster. I watched them catapult off the carrier just before dawn. I had seen this maybe hundreds of times but I will never get over watching those powerful planes fling off the end of the runway and sail into the seemingly endless horizon. After helping out in the clinic, I went back to my bunk (thankfully it was just me) to get some sleep. I had just drifted off when I was called back to the clinic to check out a pilot with a possible concussion.

I wasn't anticipating Hangman and Rooster to be waiting on me, the latter with an ice pack smashed against his forehead. They were both in their full flight gear, leading me to believe they had just gotten back on board. Last I heard the mission was a resounding success with no issues so I was beyond curious to know what happened.

I looked over Rooster's chart as he sat on the exam table. He is as healthy as a goddamn horse. Of course he was.

"You made it through the entire mission without any problems and yet you still manage to get hurt," I glance up. "Gotta say, I'm a little impressed."

Hangman laughs and the sound fills the small space. He's got a great smile. I wouldn't be surprised if that won a lot of people over. I can see why Phoenix finds him attractive, though I can't get her to admit it. Next to him, Rooster is shooting a withering glare at both of us.

"Sorry doc," Rooster's wingman says. "I'm afraid it was partly my fault."

"Partly?" Rooster butts in. "Try a hundred percent."

"I distracted Bradshaw here and he ran right into one of the bulkhead doorways."

The joy from the mental image of Rooster bonking his head is payment enough for being pulled away from a nap. It had to have been at least a little funny - possible concussion aside. A few of the larger doors meant to keep water out in the event of hull damage require you to either duck or step over the threshold. There were a few I even had to lower my head for and I clocked in at five foot nine inches with boots on.

"Let's take a look at the damage," I roll over on my stool.

"I'm gonna hit the showers," Hangman says. "I think you've got it covered, doc."

I wave the blond pilot off and to Rooster I say, "I need to look at your head."

Rooster doesn't move for a moment and just stares at me. He opens his mouth to say something but decides against it and removes the hand with the ice pack to reveal a red, slightly raised mark near the hairline. I ask the normal questions while I go though concussion protocol. Headache, nausea, blurred vision, etc.

"What's the verdict?" Rooster mumbles. He sucks in a breath as I gently poke the bruise that is forming. It's the sort of bruise that will turn all sorts of unpleasant colors before it disappears.

"A minor concussion," I roll back to the table with my tablet to make notes. "What were you doing, speed walking through the ship?"

"No, I was - wait, does this mean I'm grounded?"

I glance up from his chart. Rooster's jaw is set, expression stoney. It's just like last time. Here we go.

"Yes," I say evenly. "If your symptoms get worse, obviously let me know but come back tomorrow and we can see about getting you up for flight status. But with a concussion, even minor-"

"Yeah I got it, Harris," Rooster cuts me off and grimaces. "Not my first rodeo."

"Run into a lot of bulkheads?" I ask and close out of his file.

He ignores the jab. "You know, the only times I've been grounded for health reasons have been by you," he crosses his arms, which looks a bit awkward with all of his gear still on.

"I doubt that's true," I say even though I'm 90 percent sure he's actually right. I was just in his medical records after all. But the knee jerk reaction to contradict him was unstoppable.

"Nah," he's got that combative glint in his eyes. "I think you have it out for me. Just don't know why."

I scoff. "Excuse you, I take my job very seriously and would never abuse my position."

"But you haven't denied that you don't like me."

"One, that wasn't your original statement. And two, oh no, someone doesn't like you. I think your ego could take the hit."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Don't you like me?" He smiles wryly. "Sheesh, Jess I'm beginning to think I'm not the one with the head injury here."

"Seriously?" I rub my temples. "You were rude and obnoxious to me at every opportunity in college."

"You weren't exactly peaches and cream, darlin'." he replies. "I distinctly remember you saying I was the reason God created the middle finger."

"You called me a soulless ice queen the first time we were on this boat together."

Rooster finally looked a bit guilty. "Not exactly a shining moment for me, but I did have a high fever."

"That's cute, not even taking responsibility for your own words," I say curtly.

"Neither are-" Rooster's face jockies between something like annoyance and practiced calm. "Listen, Jess-"

"Lt. Harris," I cut.

"Lt. Harris, I'm sorry. I don't actually think you're soulless. But you are kind of standoffish. You've been that way since I've known you. Makes you unapproachable."

"I'm not unapproachable, I'm reserved which is the only way women seem to get taken seriously in medicine and the navy," I can hear the blood rushing in my ears. "Plus, we aren't in high school, I don't need tips on how to be popular. Least of all from my enemies."

I hated the word choice instantly. Rooster latches onto it instantly.

"Enemies? What are you, nine?"

"That's what you take away from what I just said?"

"What grown-ass adult has enemies?"

"Gah, get out of my exam room!" I stand and open the door. Rooster doesn't hesitate to leave.

And because I am a good doctor, I yell after his retreating form down the hall, "Make sure you take acetaminophen, not ibuprofen, and get some rest."

[katiesharms]

i'm praying you don't see the signs (praying for you to me mine) - ch. 4

read on ao3!

a/n: it's phoenix's turn! probably my favorite one. lmk your thoughts!

After Phoenix notices it, that night when she can’t sleep before the Mission, the past signs of it become obvious to her. Maybe Bob’s right, maybe she’s a bit stupid. Just on land, though, and just about this. About Jake. Overall, she tries not to beat herself up about it too much. It’s not like anyone other than Coyote and Bob saw it, so she feels like she can cut herself some slack for being just a tad clueless. Or that’s what she thinks, until she calls her sisters.

She has a monthly FaceTime session with her two younger sisters, which she’s never missed, through deployments and trainings, it’s always taken priority. Though she loves her job, sometimes Nat misses her sisters so much it hurts. They’re close, only six years between her and Elena, the youngest, and growing up, it was the three of them against the world. It’s where she gets her protective streak from, watching over her two younger sisters her whole life. 

Phoenix kicks Hangman out of his own room for the call, not quite ready for him to meet her family yet and knowing Halo has their room...otherwise occupied. He only protests briefly, but dutifully leaves with a kiss on her cheek in departure.

When the call connects, Natasha can actually feel tears in her eyes at the emotion. Another reason to send Jake off; he doesn’t need to see her crying. 

After the chaotic, overlapping greeting with perhaps more squeals than necessary, Julia asks her, “wait, Nat, where are you?”

Looking around her, she tries to find anything that would distinguish this room from hers. Nothing on the walls would give her away, and all the bunks on base are identical. Their short stint at Miramar hasn’t given any of them the opportunity to decorate. “How’d you even tell I was somewhere new? Every room is identical; it’s literally the whole point.”

“Yeah, but your room has the lovely soft lighting from the faerie lights we got you. This one looks like an interrogation room,” Julia offers as explanation. Damn, her sister is observant.

“I'm, uh, in Jake’s room.” Natasha fights to keep the blush off her face as Julia squeaks, throwing a hand over her mouth to keep from making too much noise.

“Wait, who’s Jake?” Elena asks, confused.

“Hangman, mija. Remember that pilot from Nat’s birthday?” Julia clarifies, and then Elena screams loud enough that Natasha has to pull her AirPod away from her ear.

“Ohmigod, Tash, are you guys fucking?” she asks all in one breath.

“No!” she protests, and then amends, “well, yes, but not just that. We’re together.” She smiles as she says it, the newness of it all still making her feel elated.

“I fucking knew it!” Julia cuts in, speaking a bit more quietly than her sister. “El, you owe me 50 bucks.”

Natasha’s jaw drops. “You were betting on me? How did you even know this would happen?”

Her sisters somehow manage to exchange a look through the screen. She hates when they’re like this, in on something together that she doesn’t know.

“Remember your birthday last year? We met him while you were still getting ready and we were waiting in the visitors center.” Natasha does remember. When she arrived, her stomach dropped seeing that Hangman was talking to her family. She’d asked them what he said, but they all just giggled and didn’t tell her.

“Yes, but you guys only spoke to him for what, ten minutes?”

“Yeah, but that was plenty of time,” Elena says. “He was trying so hard to impress us, it was cute. He kept calling mom ma’am and he asked me about med school and Julia about her job at the Earthquakes. Like he was trying to prove he remembered stuff about us.” Phoenix can’t even remember telling Jake about any of that.

“Oh, and remember when he tried to speak to mom in Spanish?” Julia adds. “It was adorable; he kept using usted like the little white boy he is.”

“That’s why mom invited him to come with us to lunch. She totally thought he was your boyfriend. Jules and I came up with the bet in the backseat. I thought it would take at least another couple of years, based on how much you used to complain about him.”

Nat remembers that day extremely clearly. When she’d walked in and seen Hangman talking to her family, she was worried at first, about what kind of ammunition he was gathering. But when she reached them, she found instead that Jake was acting the perfect gentleman, asking her mom about the drive down and her sisters about their careers. When her mom invited him to come with, she almost insisted he accept, but he declined before she could. 

“Was it that obvious?” she asks a little meekly, thinking of Coyote and Bob. 

“Oh, no,” Julia reassure at the same time Elena says, “of course it was.”

“Elena!” Julia protests and Nat just laughs.

“It’s okay; I’ve accepted that I was a bit oblivious. Not anymore, though.”

Her sisters, recognizing what must be a very sappy look on her face, because the two of them go soft.

“Aw, Nat, we’re so happy for you,” Elena says. “And if he tries some dumb shit, we will destroy him, military laws be damned.”

“I think military laws are just the law, mija,” Phoenix says, but laughs anyway.

Later, when Jake is back and she's finally off the call with her sisters, she brings it up.

"My sisters had a bet on us."

"Oh?" He raises an eyebrow.

"Yeah, apparently, you made quite the impression last year."

A blush rises to Jake's cheeks. "Was it a good impression?"

"My mom liked you, apparently. Enough to invite you to dinner." He relaxes at that, clearly relieved. "Next time, though, don't try to speak Spanish to her. Honestly, kind of embarrassing."

"I was trying to be respectful!" He protests.

"Babe, we don't even speak Spanish at home. I barely know it." She laughs at his sheepish impression. Her dad never spoke the language, so it didn't make sense to learn it fully .She speaks enough to get by when visiting family in Mexico, but mostly, she's monolingual.

"Okay, next time no Spanish. Got it." He looks determined, like he's making a mental note of it.

"Are you making a list?"

"Maybe," he answers meekly, and Nat bites the inside of her cheek to keep herself from laughing. It's cute, she thinks. That he's trying so hard.

"Don't worry," she pats his cheek affectionately, "they all love you already."

[levisgirll]

Hi, I'm really enjoying your Levi writings, especially post ch 139. My1st req, I've been thinking about post war Levi, mainly healed from any injuries but sometimes his old wounds flare up. Back, legs, ect. Would like a modern AU hc of a night where it's bad, what's he do? Bath, heating pad, meds, ect? (Would he hate meds?) Would he ask for help? What if his s/o were there, or particularly his unspoken attraction? Say he's stuck in position from pain and they sit/lay behind him so he can rest.

𝐀𝐎𝐓 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐮𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 - 𝐋𝐞𝐯𝐢 𝐀𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧 (𝟑)

𝙃𝙚𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙤𝙣 ♡♡

note: A lot of really cute fluff that I’m sure will warm your heart- don’t miss this out!

Thanks for the questions!

I am so glad that you are enjoying them 🥺 it means a lot to me ♡♡ (I combined this both as a discussion and adding some headcanon ideas as you did mention them both<3 but if you want a fanfic then let me know!)

This is a very interesting topic and I always wanted to share my thoughts and ideas about this! Post war Levi would finally for once in his life feel relaxed, ease up and he won’t have to be worried or overthink anymore for 24/7 (about titans, and especially his s/o living another day or not). His life becomes even much better when he lives with his s/o, and it feels just too good for him how they would still be there, alive and by his side all day long and he would usually think he’s stuck in a dream because living with s/o had always been one of his goals and wish. 

Levi just loves how his s/o would always wake up every morning to go get him tea and while they are at it, they would go get warm towels to apply and put it on his shoulders as usually when he wakes up it would be stiff, and his s/o knows him too well that they got that prepared for him. Levi would actually love it when Y/N gives him warm towels or applies for him the heating pads for his back, places he couldn’t reach, and this would help improve his damaged muscles and his back stiffness. He adores you too much and while you are doing it, Levi would would just sit on the edge of the bed, shirtless, just staring at you and when you glance at him, Levi always has a look of admiration in his eyes when he looks at you, his facial expression says it all and after you are done he would lean in to kiss you softly and then whisper “Thank you, my love.” so faintly and you would only be able to hear that if the room was pitch quiet, and if you missed hearing it, Levi would not repeat it as this man is quite shy sometimes. Speaking about that, post war Levi would start to stutter, blush and be shy way more when he tries to be more romantic with you <3

Although, when he thinks about doing some romantic stuff with you when you both are alone, he would hesitate and might end up not doing them. That’s because, I find Levi the type who would maybe struggle with his new looks (the scares on his face) and becomes a bit insecure. As he is quite emotional, this side of him would show a lot and whenever he looks at the mirror and sees that long scar on his face, his eye being damaged, he would think and wonder “Do they still even love me while I look like this? Half of my face is injured.” He would then realize that he would have a lot of scars on his upper abdomen, chest and shoulder and Levi would stop going shirtless during nights when you both sleep. Y/N starts to pick up on that and when they mention about it, Levi would just brush it off and say he would be cold later the evening (which is a lie, the man is burning up everytime he touches your body or looks at you, especially when you are both sleeping on the same bed where he holds you so closely)

When Y/N offers they want to help him with treating his wounds, I don’t find Levi the type who would reject their offer, in fact he would feel grateful how they are willing to help him and it makes him feel a bit loved to be honest, he would be very calm about it and pass you the bandages silently with a slight nod, indicating that he is fine with you treating him. And you are the ONLY one that Levi allows you to treat him. However, I think this would only go on a bit in the beginning, later on he would hesitate and try to treat his scars and wounds himself whenever you are not in the bedroom. That’s not because he does not want you to treat him, but because I think Levi would start to feel maybe a bit insecure with the scars he has on his body and feels like he would have to hide them. He wants to recover and his wounds/scars to heal FAST so that he can start to feel comfortable and show you even more love, he would start to overthink too and probably think that you mighttt find him ugly! He never wants to ask you that because he is scared to find out the truth.

There was a night though, where his old wounds would flare/open up, and he would feel extreme pain that night. He would slowly get off the bed and let you go (as he was hugging your waist while you were sleeping) and try to go to the bathroom to get some painkillers to ease the pain. The pain would come from his back muscles, and then he would groan and wince from the pain as he struggles to get the muscle deep pain reliving cream. Y/N would then notice the other side of the bed being empty and cold (as Levi is not warming them up anymore with his hug) and wake up, they then notice he is in the bathroom and head there. “Levi? Dear, are you okay?” They would say as they approach Levi. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?” Levi turned quickly, and holding his s/o’s hands, showing them that he is alright. Levi would probably try to hide his pain later on, because he does not want to show you his ‘weak side’ as he would think and not be a burden to you. You are quick to read the atmosphere and knew something was up, “I asked you a question first, are you okay?”. Y/N would sound like an angel to Levi, his eyes would soften and wonder how did he actually end up with an amazing person by his side who actually loves him and cares about him. He would then give in, not hiding it anymore and letting them know that his wound from his back muscle started to flare up.

Y/N would take Levi to their bed, let him rest and lay on his chest while they would gently caress his back with the pain relief cream and massage him. Oh, how amazing he felt that night, he felt even more in love with you and his love kept on growing. Just with your touch, and your gentle hands as they massage his back would help him so much, his pain would be easily gone, and he would close his eyes softly and finally relax as you massaged him. As you were massaging him, you started to admire how amazing his back muscles, biceps and triceps were and that his scars made him look even more attractive and it was a sign showing how strong and amazing ‘Y/N’s man’ was. “Wow, Look at my man. You are so handsome.” Y/N would say in a amazed tone and smile at him while his face would go super red, “R-Really...If I am like that to you in your eyes....That only matters to me.” With your help and words to Levi that night, his insecurities slowly drifted away and he started to appreciate his scars now, and also see it as a reminder and a sign/indication that he served his duty for all his fallen comrades and he would not have to have any more regrets as Y/N would say, and that helped him so so much. He really cherishes and admired you, you have no idea <3  Levi would also give you that unspoken attraction, asking for another back massage session, would do it for you too for your shoulder after you massaged him behind you as you are making tea for him and then he would hug your waist from behind, putting his face in your shoulder and breathing in your beautiful scent and start giving you a trail of kisses on your shoulders and up to your neck, the room would then be filled with giggles from Y/N and that warms Levi’s heart <3

Levi would probably hate to take some medicines if they tasted bad and he would try to avoid it, but Y/N would definitely help him out and try to help him take it with his food which he found was a good idea and it slowly helped him take the meds, he would only do this if you were with him and then you noticed how Levi would actually act like a teenage kid sometimes. “Y/N, I told you, I only take them if you are with me, and if its your food that I am eating.” Levi would say as you sighed, after asking him when getting back from the store if he took his meds or not. He loved your food so much and he would be the type not to eat food from outside if it wasn’t yours. He thinks everything you do or make is amazing and he loves it if you did anything just for him, his love for you was strong and whenever he thanks you, he would give you a smile that would warm your heart. “Tell me, is there something else you want?” You would say with a big smile, and Levi would come and approach you, then say while he brings his hands to caress your cheeks gently, “Yea...I want you.” You both spend a long afternoon with cuddles and kisses and Levi was not planning to let you go, post war Levi would be a clingy man to Y/N! Y/N would then give him ‘marks’ instead on his neck if they had a heated makeout session and they would say “I’ll give you a mark instead.” Oh how now he really admires that so much and would always crave for that now <3 you made him feel amazing and he made you feel special. It was a mutual love, putting effort into the relationship and Levi loved that as he is the type who would usually depend on emotional attraction instead.

I find Levi the type of guy who might feel guilty/ashamed or feel a bit bad whenever he asks for help from Y/N, he wants to be the man to be there for you and helping you 24/7 instead. For example, when he is finding it a bit difficult to get up from his chair as his wounds and pain start to flare up, and he would struggle to ask for your help and even hesitate to call you out. But as soon as he gives Y/N that look, the unspoken attraction that they have for each other lets them know that he is needing some help. This is when both of them realized, they actually have a special and unique relationship bond, understanding one another so well without even saying it makes Levi feel so lucky and special instead of feeling bad and even though he hates it when this happens, he feels so loved after that and he would then talk so highly of Y/N and his relationship to the others.

Y/N would sometimes get the bath ready and done for Levi and this man would appreciate it so much whenever you do that, he would get lowkey happy and would ask you to join him <3 and after the bath, you would let him rest on your lap and softly caress his hair while he relaxes there and rests. He loves moments like these so much and then he would look up to you, with his eyes filled with love and lust whenever he is looking at your face, your eyes as they sparkle and with the reflection he can clearly see your beautiful shade eye color, and he would reach out to gently pull you closer to his face and give you a passionate kiss.

Finally, definitely post war Levi and Y/N would have unspoken attraction. I feel like this would be more common with Levi, that it is clear he has a strong attraction towards them and he really adores his Y/N a lot but won’t probably say it aloud. It is clear with his actions and when he is close to Y/N, he would hold their hand gently and caress his thumb on Y/N’s hand, indicating that he wants them to stay a bit longer, holding their hand, just to feel their presence. His signs of upspoken mutual attraction would be so strong, he would definitely tease Y/N and enjoy that, smile more when around them and especially when they are treating his wounds. Both would anticipate each other’s needs and wants and Levi and Y/N would feel the chemistry between each other more while Y/N is treating them, Levi would engage in a lot of mutual eye contact. He would do this to indicate that he wants to feel more closer to you (after Y/N would touch his chest and arms) while treating him, and he would go near your lips just to steal a small kiss from you and that would leave you a blushing mess <3 Post war Levi would be a clingy man, and he would open up with you more, finding it easier to talk with you about his wounds/scars as you apply some heating pads on him, and then after everytime you help him out, Levi would always look for excuses to want to help you instead, to make up for it.

I hope this answered your question and this is what I would guess! Anyways, I really loved answering this as this warmed my heart. Levi really deserves this after everything he went through and I lowkey think he would really crave for that! He would hug you everytime and thank you for always being there for him and it would be sincere and wholehearted. Please feel free to send another question or anyone out there who has one! I hope you and everyone else has a good day and let me know if you liked this by leaving a message anywhere, like or a reblog 🥺 ♡ ♡

[bright-molina]

Emergency Contact

synopsis: Sometimes it takes an accident and the revelation that Buck is Luke's emergency contact to really bring the Buckley-Mercer (et al) Family to the same page.

fandoms: Julie and the Phantoms x 911

relationships/characters: Buckley!reader (gender neutral), Alex Mercer, Evan Buckley, Luke Patterson, Athena Grant, Maddie Buckley (all relationships are familial/platonic)

word count: 2503

warnings: mentions of minor injuries (and I mean minor, sprained ankle, minor concussion is all)

a/n: @biqherosix surprise! Catch me pushing the Buckley-Mercer family agenda cause I can. For anyone wondering, we're running with the idea that they're cousins. I honestly have no idea where this came from, I wrote it at like midnight yesterday. And it only figures that the first thing I post in forever is a crossover that is mostly self-indulgent but I promise I'm trying to get the hang of things again.

For those of y'all that haven't seen 911 but still wanna read: one, I appreciate you so much oh my gosh, two, I highly recommend it and three, all you really need to know for this one is that Buck is a firefighter with the 118, Athena Grant is a police officer, and Maddie is Buck's older sister and a 911 dispatcher. If I missed anything and you wanna know feel more than free to ask!

The absolute last thing you expected was your phone ringing well past midnight.

“Don’t answer it.”

Alex’s voice sounded from beside you, muffled by the pile of blankets he was buried under. You rolled your eyes and reached for your phone only to have him snatch it out of your grip and stuff it under the blankets alongside him.

“Give it back!”

“No,” Alex crossed his arms tighter, ignoring the second ring completely. “It’s probably Buck checking to see if we’ve gone to sleep yet, if you answer he’ll know we’re still up.”

“Like Buck would voluntarily be up right now. He’s fifteen hours into a twenty four hour shift,” You leaned back against the couch, knowing there was no tearing the phone away from Alex. “Will you at least check who it is to make sure it’s not Maddie?”

Alex groaned, loud and exaggerated, before sticking his head underneath his blankets to check your phone. You were just barely able to hear his panicked ‘uh oh’ before he put on his best fake tired voice and answered, “Hello?”

“Alexander Mercer, what are you doing awake at this hour?”

“I wasn’t awake.”

“Sure you weren’t. Give the phone to y/n.”

He was handing you the phone in a flash and you could see his wide eyes in the dim blue light coming from the living room tv. “It’s Athena.”

“Thanks, I heard. And I told you so,” You smacked him with your pillow when he stuck his tongue out and he quickly ducked back under the blankets. Whether he was hiding from you or Athena was up for debate. “Hi Athena.”

“Y/N,” Uh oh was right. You recognized the tone in her voice immediately. Exasperated and tired with a little bit of worry laced through. “You wouldn’t be able to get ahold of Buck would you?”

“I could,” You sat up straighter and Alex peeked out from under the blankets again, craning his neck to listen in on the conversation. “Is something wrong? Can’t you call Captain Nash?”

“I could,” Athena echoed your words back to you and you heard muffled shouting in the back. “But Captain Nash isn’t Luke’s emergency contact.”

“His what!”

“It’s not a big deal!” Luke’s voice. It was him who had been shouting. “I’m fine!”

“The cast you’re wearing says different,” There was a click on the other end of the line and Alex tripped over the discarded blankets and pillows as he rushed to look for the car keys. “We couldn’t reach him and Maddie was his second emergency contact but May said she went home early today.”

“Yeah, uh, she -” You put on your shoes as fast as possible and reached for the nearest sweater, one you were sure wasn’t yours. “Jee’s teething so she - she’s probably busy with her. What happened? Luke -”

“Is fine. You just focus on getting to the station and bringing Buck to Med cause he’s gotta fill out some papers. I’ll stay here with him until you do.”

“Okay. Okay we’ll be there soon.”

“Y/N put me on speaker,” Athena must’ve been able to hear the panic in your voice. She knew both you and Alex well enough to know every emotion that was running through you both at that moment. “I want both of you to listen to me. Luke is okay. A little scratched up. Maybe a bruised ego. But he’s just fine, I promise you.”

If there was anybody you trusted it was Athena Grant. So you and Alex shared a look, thanked her, and sprinted out of the apartment wondering what on earth Luke had gotten himself into.

“What do you mean you don’t know!”

“Athena didn’t tell us anything!” You shouted right back at Buck despite knowing it probably wasn’t the best idea given the time or the circumstances. Alex was a few feet away, talking quietly to Chimney to have him relay a message to Maddie. She’d be less angry if the news came from him.

“I thought he went back home,” Buck shook his head before jogging down the stairs and you followed him. He all but charged to the locker room and started shoving all his things in the duffel he always carted with him from the apartment to the station and back. “I thought he was okay.”

It wasn’t until then, until you caught a glimpse of his reflection in the little mirror in his locker surrounded by pictures, that you realized something. Evan Buckley, the firefighter, your brother who always seemed so fearless, was scared.

Buck’s mind was racing at a million miles an hour. He kept going through every piece of information he could from the last two days. Luke had promised him. Sworn he was going back home to his parents. He should’ve known better. They were too much alike and he should’ve known better.

He supposed the worrying came with the territory. The anxiety and panic and not knowing were all things he didn’t like but things he would bear if it meant making sure one of his own was okay.

He had always been protective. You were the youngest Buckley and he took it upon himself to make sure you had a better life than him and Maddie had had. Alex was family and he didn’t hesitate to give him a home when he needed one, metaphorically and literally.

And somewhere along the way the Buckley-Mercer family had grown without him realizing it. Alex had brought his band, his friends, over for dinner once and from that moment on they became a fixture in his life.

Bobby, who was surprised the first time Maddie grinned and hugged him, telling him how proud she was of him. Reggie, who was the first to accept a place in their makeshift home, needing the support and love they offered more than anything. And Luke, who was stubborn and wore his heart on his sleeve and fit right in with them.

And Buck couldn’t believe he had let them down. He couldn’t believe that he tried so hard to let Luke know he was there for him and he had failed. If he had just paid a little more attention then -

“I know what you’re thinking,” Your voice cut off his thoughts and he paused for a moment before continuing.

“No you don’t.”

“You’re blaming yourself. It’s what you always do,” You watched as he pocketed his phone and zipped up the bag. “It’s what you did when I thought I could jump off the swing and ended up with a broken arm even though you couldn’t have stopped me. It’s what you did when Alex had that really bad allergic reaction even though none of us knew he was allergic in the place. It’s what you’re doing now.”

Buck slammed the locker shut without meaning to and silently wondered how you seemed to know everything about him when he seemed to know nothing about any of you, not really. He wasn’t like you or Maddie or Alex and that had never been more clear.

“I’m not blaming myself. I just -” He sighed and walked out of the locker room, past you and Alex, and around to the drivers side of the car. He didn’t get in yet. Instead he glanced between the two of you. “I’m not Maddie. I don’t know how to tell what you guys are thinking. I don’t know how to do the things she does. I can’t help how she does. But - but maybe if I could then -”

“You’re right,” You cut him off, already knowing where he was going. “You’re not Maddie. But we don’t need another Maddie, we need Buck.”

“Y/N’s right,” Alex leaned against the top of the car and gave an easy shrug. “Maddie does family dinners every week and helps us with homework and keeps superhero bandaids around for when Reg and Bobby come back from the skate park with scrapes all over them. But you host game nights and come to every one of our practices when you’re not here and tell really bad jokes when you know we need to hear them.”

“They aren’t bad -”

“Yeah they are,” Both you and Alex answered in sync, successfully pulling the faintest laugh from Buck.

“You’re Buck,” You repeated and finally opened the door of the car. “And when Luke left home he came to you. Athena said you’re his emergency contact because he trusts you more than anyone else. We all do.”

It took less than a couple seconds for Buck to nod and get in the car, the two of you following his lead. Moments later he was speeding away from the 118 and in the direction of the hospital, determined to be where he was needed.

“You’re an idiot, Luke Patterson.”

“Wow thanks,” Luke rolled his eyes from where he sat on the couch, an action that earned him a scolding from you, and kept picking at the fabric of the pillow he was holding to him.

It was nearing mid morning and you had all gotten back to Buck’s apartment only a short while ago. The combined insistence and intimidation coming from both Buck and Athena meant the doctors had no choice but to run as many tests as necessary until they were positive Luke was fine.

Your eyes scanned his face again, a habit you’d picked up from Maddie, in an attempt to assess the damage once more to be sure nothing had gone wrong in the last ten minutes.

A butterfly bandage on his forehead above his left eye. Some scrapes on his arms from the fall. The brace around his right ankle propped up on the coffee table and some pillows. A tear in his favorite flannel that you were already patching up.

“What were you thinking?” You sighed and dropped your hands, turning in your spot beside him to look at him and read all the expressions flashing across his face. “You got hit by a car, Luke.”

“I did not!” He flinched when Alex, fast asleep across the other couch, shifted a little at the noise. Buck did the same thing upstairs in the loft, though he recognized the sound of talking and opted to listen in. “I swerved out of the way. The bike lost control and I hit the pavement but I’m fine.”

“The mild concussion and sprained ankle beg to differ,” You stared again. Luke refused to meet your eyes, refused to look anywhere around the apartment that wasn’t the pillow on his lap. He’d been doing the same thing since Buck had nearly busted down the door of the room he’d been sitting in at the hospital. “What were you thinking?”

“I don’t know,” Luke finally sighed, knowing you wouldn’t let it go any time soon. “I just - I did go home. At first. And i-it was okay until my mom started doing that -that thing she does. The voice, talking down, asking when I was gonna start getting serious, telling me I should do better. I tried but she wouldn’t stop saying all of it so I -” His shoulders sank and his head hung low and you moved closer. “I left.”

“So why didn’t you come back here?” You reached out, hand on his arm in an attempt to get him to hear you. To listen to you. To talk to you. “What made you think you couldn’t?”

It took a few moments but when Luke finally looked up his eyes were watering and he looked unsure. He looked scared and he was never scared. “I didn’t want to disappoint anyone else.”

“I don’t know if you know this,” You gave a sigh and leaned against the back of the couch on one arm. “But we are, historically, a pretty messed up family.”

You successfully pulled a laugh from Luke and a muffled ‘shut up’ from Alex only made the two of you laugh more. But when the laughter faded away you were left with the ghost of those doubts. Present and needing closure. To be acknowledged and reassured.

“There is nothing you could do that would disappoint Maddie and Buck, believe me,” You gave him a faint, sad smile and for a second he wondered what memories were the source of it. “And you never have to be scared. We’re your family and we’re here for you. Me and Alex and Buck and Maddie. Athena who stayed with you until we got there and after. Chimney who’s breaking the news to Maddie to save us all. Albert. May. Bobby. Reggie. You have all of us. I hate to break it to you but you’re a part of our weird little family and we aren’t going anywhere any time soon. So please, please never feel like you have to hide from us. You’re home here, Luke.”

And he believed every word. For a moment he wondered why he ever doubted it in the first place. It was evident in the way he had a designated spot at the dining table at Maddie’s place. In the way his clothes took up a good amount of space in one of the dressers upstairs. In the pair of house keys that hung on a chain around his neck. Reggie and Bobby were also given a pair long ago.

“Does one of you want to explain to me what the hell happened!” The sound of the door being thrown open startled all of you. Alex sat up quickly and Buck came barreling down the stairs to meet Maddie at the door.

Bobby and Reggie came in after her, holding piles of various items she’d insisted on bringing with. They were followed moments later by Albert carrying bags filled with takeout and then Chimney with Jee-Yun in her car seat.

It was dead silent for a moment as Maddie looked between her siblings, her cousin, and the boy she considered one of her own. They were all her family and that was that.

Finally the silence was broken by Luke leaning over in your direction and quietly asking, “Hey, does home have a place I can hide from Maddie until she’s less mad?”

“Oh, Luke,” You offered him a smile he recognized as a slightly sympathetic yet playful one. “There is nowhere you can hide where Maddie’s anger, love, and aggressive post-injury nurturing won’t reach. Good luck.”

She sat in your spot the moment you stood up and was immediately making sure Luke was okay. Her eyes scanned each injury just as yours had and when she finally let him take a breath he looked around.

All of this, the chaos that was unpacking the various takeout boxes. Setting up a little station on the kitchen island with various medical supplies. Chasing Jee-Yun around as she crawled and wobbled all around the place. Music playing softly in the background as everyone smiled and talked and felt relieved that he was okay.

This was home. Luke was sure of it.

Taglist:

Everything: @meangirlsx @cucumbers-and-olives @dream-a-little-bigger-x @fangirlangioma @jaskiers-sweetkiss @babychickanon @goddess-of-night​ @n0wornever @calamitykaty @hellophantoms @funsizearsonist @crybabyddl​ @txrii @sunsetcurvej @willex-owns-my-heart @angryknightstatesmantrash @all-in-fangirl @reg-peters @willowsbendtothewind-blog @jatplover

shoot me an ask/message to be added/moved/removed

[shelby-love]

JAY HALSTEAD

NF Quarantine Visits

Requested: yes

Prompts: none

Warnings: none

Authors note: NF stands for necrotising fasciitis; Riley is your partner

"Look we're doing everything we can but there's no strong leads we can use right now." Jay informs Sharon Goodwin of CPD's latest news about the state of emergency the city of Chicago was currently in.

"I have people in quarantine Jay and the press isn't helping us at all." Sharon told him. "This isn't something out of the blue. Someone has to be behind this mess."

"We're doing everything we can but that's all I can give you right now."

"Incoming!" Maggie calls out. She swiftly joins the group. "We can't keep up Sharon."

"Is it NF?"

"Yes it is. Y/N and Riley are bringing them in."

At the mention of his girlfriend Jay's heart sunk. He knew how dangerous your job was on the daily but now he truly understood the pressure you had on your chest.

It only made him work harder in figuring out who is behind this mess.

He saw you a lot but never for long enough. After it was debunked that the virus is spread airborne or through contact, you were able to hug and kiss Jay quickly whenever the two of you saw each other at Med. But nothing more than that.

Jay worked late at the District and your 24-hour shifts were long and hard as they were. Adding the outbreak heavied on the both of you.

The sound of heavy footsteps coming from the entrance alerted everyone and soon people stepped aside to let you and Riley through.

"Jasmine Black. 23 years old with necrotising fasciitis. I think we'll need to amputate her leg. It's... Gone." You informed the nurses. They did their job with you and called Crockett Marcel, hoping that he will be able to save her.

Your worried eyes spot Jay and the only thing you can do is nod sadly. You've been exposing yourself to the bacteria continuously, and each time you risked your life for someone else's it never ended well. So far, you didn't bring anyone who came out of the OR alive.

And that broke you.

"Do you think she'll make it?" Sharon asked Riley and you when you joined their little circle.

"No we don't think she will," Riley started to explain. Jay wrapped his arm around your shoulder and supported you for as long as possible. Soon, you and Riley will be back in the outside world in the heart of the outbreak. "The bacteria spread out in her leg, it's impossible to try to save her without amputation. And even with that we can only hope that she survives."

"Oh God. How are you girls feeling?" Goodwin placed her hand on your forearms in a soothing matter.

"We're tired but okay." You told her.

"I should probably get back to the District. If you find anything that can help us call me." He squeezed your shoulder and removed his arm before you could even stop him.

On que, your radio informed you of your new victim. "That's our que."

***

"Sir you need to lie down!" You command the man you're currently bringing into the ED. His arm is infected but he doesn't waste a beat when trying to get off the gurney.

"N-No!" He screams. Like a fish, the man flops off the gurney and tries to get away in a wonky run chase.

"For God's sake!" Riley exclaims. "Sir you are stuffed with anesthetics! You can't get away from us!"

You shoot her a look of pure invitation to help and she joins you in the chase. Using your running skills you accomplished by taking daily morning runs with your boyfriend, you appear in front of the drowsy man and once again command him to stop.

He does not in fact listen to your sane reasoning and throws his weak body onto yours. That wouldn't be a problem had he not collapsed unconscious on your unprotected body.

***

"Seriously Nat I'm fine." After the intense chase with an angered-drowsy-on-anesthetics patient you're stationed in one of the trauma rooms with Natalie Manning.

While Nat keeps checking you for any cuts or scratches you stay still and think about what happens next. "Will you put me in quarantine?"

"Only if you have any cuts that can catch the bacteria." In that moment her eyes land on your palm. There's a small scratch and blood over the wound.

"I-I always wear gloves." You try to reason with her. You can't be stuck in quarantine. Not now. Not when they need you.

The look on Natalie's face is enough to tell you otherwise. "I'm sorry Y/N."

***

"Welcome Y/N. Trust me, it's cosier than it looks." You join Hailey in your separate four walled vertical rectangle box. Supposedly, this will keep you from spreading the bacteria if you have it. You won't know that until you get your cultures back. "So. What brings you here?"

You laugh lightly, suddenly realising how poor your luck is. "A dude with anger issues that was high on anesthetics with an arm eaten away by the bacteria threw himself on me during one of his many aggressive episodes, and collapsed unconscious. Leaving me and my scratched bloody palm alone in quarantine."

"Correction. You're not alone." She says laughing. "I take it Riley got away."

"She had her protective gear on. And since we're low on paramedics that go on these runs, they let her go." You bring your palm in the air and wave it around. "My palm and I are stuck in here until the cultures come back."

And that's how you spent countless of hours in deep discussion with your boyfriend's partner in crime. While Hailey wanted to join Jay in finding out who did this, you wanted to get back into your ambulance and help save lives.

Neither of you could do what you wanted so you took that time and started to get to know each other. You already have three girlfriend dates scheduled and a whole birthday party for Riley and Jay planned out in bits.

After your conversation faded into comfortable silence the two of you were lost in your own thoughts. You let yourself think about how Jay will react once he finds out. A part of you wants him to visit you as much as it wants him to stay away from you and stay safe.

You're halfway on the road to dreamland when you hear his voice. "Y/N?"

You watch him make his way towards you with only one eye opened. Opening both of them would mean taking 100 steps back from dreamland and that's the last thing you wanted to do at the moment.

But seeing him stand in front of you, separated by only a thin clear foil looking curtain, killed your wish for sleep making you stand up and almost sprint towards him.

"Are you okay? How did this happen?" He asked you, worry dripping from his voice.

"I'm fine and it's a long story."

"I have time."

"Baby no you don't." You tell him sternly. When the two of you enter a silent battle of eye emotions, he comes out of it as the winner. Sighing in defeat you start to explain what happened to you.

"We already went through a breakout attempt since certain people act like they're prisoners." You throw a nasty look toward Sharlene, the crazy lady who started a revolution within her rectangular box of protection. "Jay I'm fine! I'll stay here and take a few naps and be out before you know it."

Both of you lean against the colorless foil of protection until your foreheads meet. A part of you wants to escape your cloud of safety just so you can press your lips against his but you know better than to do that. Both you do.

"Call me when you get out?"

"Geez you make it sound like I'm in jail." Your attempt at being subtly funny an lightening up the mood falls in the water when you notice his stare. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll call you don't worry."

"Good." Jay gives you a smile he reserves only for you. "I'll keep you posted."

"You better!!!" You exclaim. Your boyfriend is your only connection to the outside world.

"And I'll try to sneak in some food for you."

You almost shed a dramatic tear at his words. "Oh, Jay you're..."

"The best boyfriend ever?"

"The best boyfriend ever ever ever everrr!"

You spend a few more minutes with your boyfriend discussing the current situation before he talks to Hailey and eventually leaves.

Still dazed from love, worry and excitement, you return back to your sleeping position and walk back towards the road that's sure to bring you to dreamland.

MASTERLIST

[katsukikitten]

A/N I cant wait for yall to read this

Sunlight fights to filter in beneath the thick curtains, causing you to stir slightly as the sweet smell of burning sugar pulls you closer.

Happily you snuggle deeper into the scent, drowning in it as you nose your way further into the crook of a soft neck. A hum escapes you as you are pulled quickly back under tow dreaming of a sweet shop with nothing but squares of caramel and deep candy apple eyes.

A harsh knock comes at the door snapping you back to reality causing your muscles to tense with burning adrenaline. You're pulled ever closer, pressed impossibly so into a muscled chest, pops ringing out of a steady hand.

"Who the fuck is it?" Voice dark, deep with sleep and venom. Causing your body to act on it's own as your stomach and core flutter.

The dream makes more sense as you slowly remember last night, your cheeks aflame.

"Ka..Kaachan. We're late! Our plane leaves in half an hour and I'm worried about Y/N. She isn't picking up her phone and she won't answer her door. I...I dont remember her coming back with us last night. She came back with us right? We didn't leave her? The girls left before us and..." He continues on in a tangent as Bakugo growls. Both of you relish each other's skin for a moment before letting go, giving one another an odd glance as you both dress. Katsuki nods towards the sliding door as he breaks Deku's worry spell.

"Oi! Oi!" Bakugo growls ripping the door open enough that his top half sticks out, "She and I brought you back. She's probably taking forty fucking years to get ready like normal. Let me get my shit together."

He glances over his shoulder to watch you gracefully float from his balcony to yours. His eyes return to his oldest frenemy. Jade eyes hazed, half asleep, deep bags pull at his features harshly enough to have the hot head say.

"You look like shit. Did you take the meds Y/N left out for you?" Deku nods, gripping his forearm tightly.

"I'm sorry I..." But Bakugou cuts him off.

"Told you you couldn't out drink me, ya fucking light weight. Now get ready, when I'm done I'll get Y/N." He sighs shutting the door just before Deku turns to make his way back.

Katsuki stares at his unmade bed, at your card and phone sitting on his nightstand, reliving the night before.

He hopes he didn't make a mistake or take advantage of you depsite both of you being drunk as fuck.

The lingering smell of your shampoo clings to him like a lost lover causing him to bite his lower lip.

You stand in front of the glass door, debating if you should go in. Brave hands act on their own as they grip onto the door, flinging it to the side before you step into the dark room.

After a quick scan, it is safe to say that no one is present. House keeping had come to freshen your sheets and towels and you do not see anything amiss. The only thing noticeable is the slight indent on the side of the bed. You convince yourself that it's from the natural sag of the mattress.

Quickly you grab for your bag, checking to make sure you have all of your extra hero suits before grabbing onto the Bakugou waifu pillow having half a mind to leave it here.

But the longer you stare the more your head swims as your stomach twists with the weight of uncertainty.

Of the silent tension the two of you carried that could shift your relationship drastically one way or the other.

Little time is left before the three of you are supposed to leave, yet you make your way to the shower anyway. Cranking it up as high as it will go before standing in the burning water.

Almost wishing you were sharing the shower with the same person who left little purple bites over your breasts.

Even with your shower you manage to beat both of your male coworkers to the hallway.

Waiting patiently as you lean agaisnt your door, heart fluttering as you relive the ENTIRE weekend.

Of green eyes you hope to never see again, of a glass replica of your own eye, a threatening note, of the laughs you shared with the former 1A.

Of the closeness that developed between you and the women, that developed between you and Izuku.

And especially the smile that Bakugo has been sharing with you.

Of the eye contact from last night. Your heart freefalls into your stomach with enough force that the wind leaves you in a small "Fuck."

Hand pushing through wet hair as Izuku emerges from his room.

"Oh Y/N, thank goodness you're okay!" He wraps strong arms around your frame, flooding your senses with peppermint and a hint of lime.

"Oi, oi stop being dramatic I told ya the brat was fucking fine." Katsuki huffs, slamming his door, "You forgot this in my pocket last night."

There is little bite in his voice as his hand holds out your phone. He looks over you with deft eyes, reading your body language for distress while checking to see if any bruises were visible all before slinking back down to your hand.

That you haphazardly rewrapped. A snarl escapes his lips as you grab onto your phone, eyes burning into you.

"Remind me to never let you wrap my wounds." He nudges your shoulder with his own, crimsom eyes shining more than usual. You scoff at his remark, shoving him roughly.

"You act as if I wouldn't hope that you'd bleed out first." You flick your hair as you sashay past him fighting to keep the smile off of your face. A smile where a scowl should be. The two of you quip and bicker like normal but something is...different. Or at least it seems that way to Izuku as he watches the two of you interact. Studying the odd pair as he wonders what has changed.

It's a subtle change, as he hadn't caught on until the two of you had gotten onto the plane.

Suddenly Izuku couldn't help but notice that there was a little less animosity, a little less hostility between the two of you.

And he sure as hell didn't miss the lingering glances the two of you shared.

Bakugo slides into his seat across the aisle as he did a short two days ago, headphones on, scarlet eyes glancing at you before squeezing shut. You choose the window seat staring out at the tarmac below. Izuku watches your eyes flutter and blur with unshed tears as whatever heartwrenching thought crosses your mind. He swallows thickly ignoring you to give you privacy.

The three of you stand in front of the towering building of your agency.

All three of you asked to return to the office for various reasons.

A set of jeweled jade and burning scarlet rove over you, worry lacing their eyes in two atronomicly different forms. Furrowed brows and a narrowed glare.

You sigh pulling your luggage behind you as you walk through the office doors first.

Bakugo finds his office exactly as he left it. A mountain of paper work that is close to being over due. He bites at his lower lip as he slams into his office chair wondering how your conversation you must be having is going. Rocking in his leather chair as he stares at his phone, avoiding work as his ears perk hoping for sound in the office beside him.

Your office settled between his and Deku's. He growls out when he hears that stupid cheery voice of Deku's thanking his assistant before Bakugo descides he should probably do some work while he waits for your return.

Snarling curses to himself as he doesn't understand *why* he is so anxious to hear from you when normally he would relish your getting in trouble.

Shining eyes stare up at him settled on rouged cheeks, plush lips forming his name devouring every other thought on his mind.

He grinds his teeth trying to forget as deadly hands open his wallet to pull out his ID card for his office laptop only to be met with your debit card staring up at him.

"Fuck." He snarls abandoning his task in search of you. Not that he really had a qualm about avoiding paper work. He just spots you leaving the agency through his large office windows.

Odd, had you not had your meeting? Usually when you were in trouble with the director the lights flickered AT LEAST once. He takes the steps two at a time, pushing through the door to the stairwell just in time to over hear the latest gossip from front reception.

"So Tejina just up and quit after a paid vacation?" The security guard asks, setting down his extra cup for who he was obviously pining after. She barely gives it a second glance.

"She didn't even pack any of her stuff." The receptionist sighs, filing at a nail, "We might have to clean out her office."

" Ungrateful bi.."But before he can finish his sentence a loud pop rings out. He freezes staring down the top hero before swallowing thickly. Scarlet burns into mundane brown before he shifts his weight to walk through the double doors. All the while the security guard thanks his lucky stars.

"Oi!" Bakugo calls after you but you ignore him, pushing through your mixed emotions as you stomp your way towards home, "OI Y/N!"

But he is just as persistent as the memory of harsh vermilion turning soft as it glimpsed into your soul.

"Fuck." You mutter, walking faster dragging your stupid suitcase in your wake.

An explosion erupts, landing a toned body directly in front of you. Heated hands finding your shoulders quickly to stop you in your tracks. You jerk back from his touch and he tries not to let the hurt shine through on his face.

"What happened?" A bite that you ignore, trying to shove past him just to repeat the dance again. Jerk away, obvious display of hurt attempting to meld into rage. The longer you dont speak the more his blood boils before he finally sounds off.

"Did you really fucking quit?!" He yells loudly enough that birds flee from trees and rooftops. Avoiding his gaze you stare at his clenched fists, wanting everything and nothing to do with him all at once.

He was the last person you wanted to see.

Especially after the look on the director's face when you stated your resignation.

But here he stood in all his muscled glory, blocking your way.

Somethings never changed did they?

"Yes Bakugo I fucking quit. I'm done I.." Just as you're about to allow yourself to break, to consciously cry in front of the last human being you thought you could ever be vulnerable with he burts with popping motion.

"YOU FUCKING QUIT? FOR FUCKING WHAT?!" He heaves, pressing further, pushing your last button, "I didn't think you would quit over something so trivial as your fan base."

Red clouds your vision and drowns out any rational thought you had as your body moves on it's own accord. Your fist rears back, slaming into a sturdy jaw line causing him to slide back a few feet. And with it infecting him with that all consuming *red*.

A mixture of a snarl and smirk contort his handsome features as he spits blood onto the ground. He lunges, powering himself with his quirk as he comes for you.

Luggage far from forgotten as you bring it up to swing, hitting him in his ribs fucking his flight attack. He counters with a point blank explosion to which you stop with a shaky shield.

Struggling to keep the energy formed with nothing as its base. You distance yourself only for him to close the space, knowing full well you worked best from afar.

Well he sure as fuck better know considering how many hours he was forced to spend with you. He watches your quirk activate and deactivate in a matter of seconds, anticipating all of the projectiles you produce.

But he fails to notice the large boulder you steal from rock garden in the courtyard of the agency. He lunges for you again hot finger tips grazing your skin before you bring the large boulder down with full force.

Pinning him into the ground until a satisfying crack rings out.

Heaved breaths echo in the semi silence as the two of you work your problems out the only way strong quirk holders seem to know how.

Destruction spelling out every word that you'd never dare to speak. He gets the message loud in clear, although too late, as he watches your posture shrink just the slightest as you look down at him.

Barely able to hold eye contact, he produces a strong enough explosion for the boulder to become confetti on the wind before he stands, spitting crimson into the dirt.

This was your opportunity to move, this was the turning point of your relationship with him.

If he comforted you now for what felt like the thousandth time in the past few days you knew you wouldn't be able to resist him again.

Caramel tickles your nose on the wind moments before he stands before you, deadly palms resting on your exposed biceps. Gently squeezing as if the two of you hadn't tried to off the other. He sighs, body relaxing before you as you stare at his ever rising chest.

"Please...please tell me what's going on." He sounds desperate and you are unsure if you've ever heard a tone like this from him before. You heart pounds in your chest and painfully so. As if it were ensnared in an unsuspecting trap, barbs puncturing the tender flesh with each agonizing beat.

*"I should end this here. I should end this now."*

Is the all consuming thought you have before your mouth moves all on it's own. You hold his gaze, matching the intensity as you stare into his stunning scarlet eyes.

Eyes that you tell yourself are actually green.

"Please, as if you really fucking care Ground Zero." You cannot even bring yourself to use his name. Knowing that when you were to sound out the syllables your voice was sure to crack, his grip becomes tighter. Those damn lips you want to devour morph into a thin line biting back his ire.

"It's funny that you are so touch starved you would take a pity fuck as anything more." He jerks away then, eyes widening before turning into a nasty glare.

Still you continue your assault, pushing him with hot hands as you pretend so desperately that he is someone else.

Anyone else so you can push him away from you, hurt him enough that he would never look in your direction again.

That wouldn't be so bad right?

"We were never friends and we never will be. Quit being a bitch, like I said. It. Was. A. Drunken. Pity. Fuck." You bite out each word, staring him down for a full moment before turning on your heel. Hand raised for your strown luggage to assemble itself before returning to your hand.

All the while blurring red eyes stare after your powerful form. Teeth grit so tightly they threaten to turn to dust.

He should move. He should go after you.

Those words were clearly not meant for him. You clearly weren't looking him him in the same light as before. He knows in his bones he needs to follow you to fix this.

But that would require Bakugou Katsuki to swallow his pride.

And he always chokes on it.

You're a shaking mess of nerves as you walk home, trying hard not to glance over your shoulder at any noise as you near closer to your apartment.

No one but the agency knows where you live as you took extra precaution to avoid not only the paparazzi but especially crazed fans even opting to stay in random hotel room instead of the comfort of your penthouse apartment.

You smile softly at the slightly dilapidating building, climbing the crumbling concrete steps jingling one of the three keys it requires to get into your apartment.

The first for the front door.

The second for the stairwells

The final for your deadbolt and handle.

Both slide in easily as you breath in the smell of your dusty and dank apartment.

Relishing the fact that no one would find you here. The black out curtains are drawn keeping the apartment plunged in a never ending nighttime. You toss your keys onto the entry table closing the door behind you as you set your luggage down with a sigh.

Suddenly the air seems to shift, dust particles disturbed in the slight sunlight that streams in the small crack of the curtains sending your heart into a panic.

Green is reflected to you in the screen of your TV as breath floats down the nape of your neck.

Before you can react a sticky substance is placed over your mouth and nose, steadily forcing its way in and down your throat. A panic sets a cold sweat onto your goose skin as you realize the substance is forming from a thick forearm.

That you beat onto desperately as your vision begins to fade to black. Quirk grabbing onto anything to smash into your assailant just for it to be absorbed. Green holds your panicked gaze.

"You really couldn't have picked a better time to quit." He presses his noise into your throat huffing in your scent as you feel a shutter go through him. The strength in your body begins to fade with your vision before he runs his tongue along the hollow of your exposed collar bone.

"I told you you'd be mine soon enough *Doll.*"

[spencers-dria]

Things Left Unsaid

Someone To Stay Ch. 12

Content/Trigger Warnings: mentions of drug abuse

"Where is he?? Where's Spencer?!"

You run through the hospital doors into the waiting room to find your Aunt JJ and Derek sitting quietly.

JJ quickly stands up and grabs you by the shoulders, trying her best to calm you down.

"Y/N, hey, look at me. It's okay. He's okay. Take a few deep breaths. Spencer is fine. We are waiting till they say we can go back to see him. Why don't you come sit for a minute? Just try taking deep breaths okay?"

You follow her to a seat, reluctantly. She rubs your back soothingly as you feel your breathing start to slow. You fall back into a seat in between her and Derek. The more you feel yourself calm down, the quicker reality hits you. Tears start to fill your eyes, threatening to fall as the memories play over and over again in your mind.

You're woken by the ring of you phone across the room. You rub your eyes and look around. You fell asleep watching Netflix on the couch again. You stumble your way over to your phone as you answer with a groggy voice.

"Hello?"

"Y/N, hey its JJ."

"Hey, what's going on? Are you guys still out on a case?"

"Umm yeah, that's why  I'm calling actually. I know you and Spencer have gotten to be pretty close friends and..."

Her voice trails off and the line goes silent. You feel a lump start to grow in your throat. In that instant, you feel your switch flip off, the switch to your emotions, allowing you to focus only on what needs to be done, and not how you feel about it.

In a cold voice, void of any emotion, you finally speak up.

"Where is Spencer?"

"He's in the hospital. He's been shot. It was pretty close to some major arteries. He's in surgery at a hospital here in Seattle."

You take a deep breath in, processing all the information you've just been given. "Okay, okay I'm on my way."

"No! There's nothing you can do here. They're going to stabilize him, then we plan to have him transferred to your hospital. By the time you get here, they'll probably be done and getting ready to transport him. I know it's hard, but just stay there for now. We will see you soon."

You stay silent for a moment before answering. "Okay. I'll stay here. But I want someone to tell me as soon as he gets here!"

You hung up the phone and walked back over to your couch. As you sunk back into it you felt your mind wander. The  image of Spencer getting shot, of him bleeding out...Spencer on an operating table, or hooked up to a ventilator...

You feel your switch threaten to come back on. You know if you let emotions in now you will fall apart. You are determined to stay unemotional, unattached. You are preparing for the inevitable hurt you know will be coming your way. So you sit there in silence, in the dark, waiting.

You sit there for two more hours until you get the call, the call that he is out of surgery and is on his way to your hospital nearby. You snap out of your stupor and into a sharp focus. You jump up from your couch and grab an overnight bag. You quickly stuff it with pajamas, comfy clothes, meds, glasses, contacts, toothbrush and anything else you can think of. On your way out the door, you grab Spencer's spare key. About a week and a half ago it had been his idea to exchange spare key's "in case of emergency". You had never thought any such emergency would arise, but here you were.

You quickly drive to his apartment. You jump out of the car and run up the stairs of his old building, the wood floors creaking below you as you move as quickly as you can. After unlocking the door, you see an empty black duffle he uses for a go bag for work. You grab it and make your way to his room. You don't think Spencer will mind. The two of you have become extremely close, and this IS an emergency. You stuff his bag with all the same essentials, but you make sure to grab a large assortment of his favorite comfort go-to books. You look at your watch, seeing you still have some time before they arrive.

You decide to swing by the store on the way to the hospital. Running into the grocery you grab a few of his favorite snacks including his favorite coffee.  You know just how bad the hospital's coffee is. You make sure to grab some chocolate iced donuts from the bakery section. Once at the checkout you see a couple science-based magazines, recognizing them as ones he's read before you grab those as well. You take a few deep breaths. You know you have to calm down if you want to get to the hospital safely.

As you sit in the waiting room, all you can think about is that phone call and the series of events that brought you here. You run your hands through your hair, pulling on it out of frustration. You focus on your breathing as all the noises around you fade into the background.

You aren't quite sure how much time has passed when one of the nurses approaches JJ and pulls her to the side to update her. JJ walks back over and sits beside you.

"They're letting one person in for now. They said after he's a little more awake, he can have more visitors. You're his best friend. I think he'd want to see you first."

She gives you a comforting smile as she squeezes your hand.

"The rest of the team will be coming by in shifts to check on him. Let us know if you need anything."

You nod as you follow the nurse back to his room. You recognize her. She's transferred patients to you several times. Thank goodness she doesn't try to greet you or make any small talk. All you care about right now is making sure your friend is okay.

As you walk through the all too familiar halls of the hospital, it feels like time begins to slow down around you. You can hear your heart beat in your ears. This is so different from the your usual cool demeanor amongst the many horrific things you've seen within these very walls.

When you finally reach the doorway, your eyes land on your friend. You feel your heart stop. You know that he's okay, but you never expected to see him like this. He's sleeping, probably on all kinds of heavy medication. His hair is even messier than usual, the dark circles under his eyes more defined. He looks like a ghost of himself. You see the bandages covering his shoulder and chest and tears finally push their way out, spilling down your face. You let them go for just a minute, letting it out of your system. You can't let him, or anyone else see you like this. You quickly wipe them away as you make your way to sit in a chair beside the bed.

You reach over and grab his hand, holding it as though he would slip away if you let go. You steady your breathing as you take a moment to look at him. He really was beautiful. His overly defined features, long lashes, plump lips, caramel curls falling softly to frame his face. Its as if someone painted him to be perfect. You reach up with your other hand to brush a piece of hair out of his face.

You whisper softly. "You really had me scared you know. They said you would be okay but... It just seems like everyone I care about leaves. I like to think by now you wouldn't do that to me, not on purpose anyways. I'm so glad you're okay. We have a lot more adventures to go on, you and I. I have a feeling that we have a lot of wonderful things in our future. So you've got to stick around for a long time, okay? I need you to stay."

"You can't get rid of me that easy."  You hear a soft reply and a chuckle, causing your eyes to shoot up. Spencer is looking over at you from hooded, groggy eyes, still clearly in a medicated haze.

"I'm so glad you're okay Spencer. I don't know what I would have done if you had.."

"But I didn't." He cuts you off.

"We don't have to think about that okay. I'm just glad you're here."

You suddenly feel embarrassed, that you were the one to rush to his side, and no one even questioned it. A couple of months ago you were strangers, and here you were, the first one he sees when he wakes up in the hospital.

"Oh well...JJ and Derek, they're here too. The rest of the team will be coming by in shifts. We were all worried. We all really care about you."

He smiles at hearing this. "I don't deserve you...uhh any of you. You're all like family to me."

"I almost forgot, I brought you some stuff."

You pick up his bag and set it next to him on the bed, allowing him to look through it.

"Hospital gowns really suck. And I know it can get really boring in here. Sorry I went through your stuff. I was just in such hurry and well, you said to use the key in an emergency and I figured this..."

"Hey." Hey cuts you off as her grabs your wrist. You had started to spiral, another side effect of your anxiety.

"Take a deep breath. It's okay. I really appreciate it. I actually can't believe you did this for me. You even grabbed all of my favorite books." He smiles as he pulls out a couple to set on the nightstand. He also grabs his glasses. He probably hasn't been able to see properly since the surgery, since they would have taken his contacts out. He makes his way into the snacks and starts munching away happily.

"I can't believe you did all this for me!" He smiles up at you, face full of food, like he hasn't eaten in weeks.

"Only if you share," you laugh as he hands you one of the donuts.

"What's in the other bag?" He asks curiously, glancing over your shoulder.

"Oh that's just my stuff." You shrug, not wanting to make much of it.

"Your stuff?"

You roll your eyes, knowing he won't let it go.

"Yeah you know, clothes, pajamas, toothbrush, etc." You turn a bit read, knowing how presumptuous you had been in bringing all of it, but you don't care. Spencer is priority, not your pride.

Spencer opens his mouth to reply but you continue.

"And before you can say anything about it, no I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here."

You still fully expect him to argue with you on the matter. What you don't expect is the giant grin he gives you as he pulls you down toward him, leaving a soft kiss on your cheek before pulling you in for a hug.

His head is buried in your shoulder as you hear

"Thank you Y/N...for everything."

The two of you stay there for a moment before a knock at the door causes you to jump up.

JJ steps inside "Hey Spence, I brought some people to see you."

She's followed by Derek and Penelope, who has her arms full of flowers, candy, and stuffed animals. You hadn't expected any less from your colorful, cheerful friend. She really knows how to brighten up a room, and goodness knows these dreary hospital rooms could use a dash of Penelope.

Spencer exchanges hugs with the three as they all sit down to talk with him. When they start talking about the case, you find yourself having to walk out of the room. Spencer seems unbothered by the situation. You get that it must be normal for him and the rest of your friends, but you aren't used to having the people you care about in harms way.

To them the guns, the blood, the danger, its all just another day at work. The blood you were used to, it's the putting their life on the line every time they go out into the field that makes you feel uneasy.

You make your way to your hospital floor, greeting some of your coworkers, explaining why you're there on your day off. They offer hugs, kind thoughts and prayers before you make your way back to Spencer's unit.

Hotch, Rossi, and Alex are now sitting around the bed. Spencer is sitting up more, looking a little more alert than before. He also looks in pain, but you know he won't say anything. In your experience, the men usually try to tough it out, especially with other people around.

You lean over near him and talk low enough for only Spencer to hear.

"Do you want me to call the nurse? We can get you more pain meds. I'm sure it's well overdue."

He brushes you off. "No, Y/N, I'm fine."

You're slightly annoyed at the front he's putting up, but not surprised.

"Look it's not a big deal, no one is going to judge you for needing a little help to get through this. Any normal person would. Why don't I just go ahead and..."

"I said no!" he grabs your wrist before you can hit the call light.

You're too stunned that he's yelled at you to say anything in response.

"I told you I'm fine. I don't want any pain medication, okay? Just take no for an answer and leave it alone."

You are completely used to moody patients yelling at you, taking out their frustrations on you, but this came out of nowhere. It's so out of character for him.

The other three take this as their cue to leave, as they each hug you and Spencer goodbye before exiting through the door.

"What the hell, Spencer?! All I'm trying to do is help you! Why did you just yell at me in front of everyone?"

You look over to see not anger in his eyes, but sadness. He's looking down at his lap as he fiddles nervously with his hands. You can tell he's on the brink of tears. You assume he must still be moody as the anesthesia wears off, something you've seen often.

"I need you to stay." he mumbles under his breath.

You scoot into the bed next to him, wrapping your arms around him to comfort him. You pull his head over to you, as you rub his back, trying to sooth him. You don't know what's wrong, but you can tell he's hurting.

"Of course. I already told you. I'm not going anywhere."

"Not j-just tonight...always. If I tell you everything, I don't think you'd stay in my life any longer. You're my b-best friend, and I can't lose you."

You feel his tears start to soak your shirt, but you don't care.

You whisper your promises softly "There's nothing you could ever tell me that you make me walk away. I'm not going anywhere. I don't care if you're one of the, what do you call them... unsubs or whatever. I'm staying right here, Spencer Reid."

He takes a shaky breath as he tries to calm down. He begins to tell you the story of one of their cases, and how it led to him being kidnapped. It was a man with DID, one personality the abusive father who had kidnapped Spencer, another being the son who thought he was helping.

"I tried to convince him to let me go. He wanted to help, but he was too scared of his father. He decided the only way he could help me was to take the pain away..."

Spencer gets choked up as he struggles to continue. You knew he had seen a lot of dark things and endured the trauma with Maeve, but clearly this affected him deeply in a way you had never seen.

"He injected me with dilaudid, multiple times. In the end, I had to shoot him. I had to kill him. And before I left, I took the drugs with me. I used for months after. I didn't know how to deal with what I had gone through it seemed easier just to...escape I guess. It made it easier to deal with problems in my life too, issues with my mother..."

You continue to rub his back, making sure he knows you are still here for him, despite divulging the horrors of his past.

"I have been clean for years now but...addiction it never really..."

You give his arm a squeeze causing him to finally look up at you. His eyes are puffy and red from crying. His cheeks are tear stained.

"I get it, Spencer. I understand. I'm sorry I pushed you, if you weren't ready to tell me. But it means a lot that you opened up to me about this; I know that can't have been easy. Just know, there are options here, non-addictive pain medications, if you really need them. But I won't push you okay? Just tell me what you need."

He wraps his arm around you before laying his head down on your chest, letting out a deep sigh of contentment and closing his eyes.

You swear you hear him whisper "You" before he fades back into sleep.

You make it your purpose to lay as still as possible, as not to wake him up. You lay your head back, letting yourself drift off to sleep as your mind swims with thoughts of feelings and things left unsaid.

A/N: If you're enjoying the story, I'd love to hear your feedback!! Thanks friends 💖✌🏻

I wanted to come back and add this. For anyone struggling with substance abuse or any mental health issues. You are not alone. You are always welcome to message me. I encourage you to talk to someone, anyone. That is why I will be adding a few hotline numbers below here. These are available 24/7

Resources:

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration: 1 (800) 662 – 4357

https://www.samhsa.gov/

Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

[halstudandruz]

Every Step of the Way

*Not my gif*

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Requested: Yes

Prompt: Jay steps up to the plate after your baby daddy leaves

Warnings: Kinda slight smut I guess? Probably some swearing

You never really understood the hardships that could come along with being a single mother until it happened to you. You thought you and your boyfriend at the time were in a good place. No, the pregnancy wasn’t planned or anything but you certainly weren’t expecting to come home to all of his stuff gone the day after telling him. Vanishing without so much as a note. Heartbroken was an understatement. Luckily you had a great support system from your co workers at Chicago Med to your other friends from 51 and the 21st.

In the few years you had worked at Med you had grown close with all of Chicago’s finest. In particular the Halstead brothers. Will took you under his wing whenever you had first moved to Chicago and it didn’t take long for you to become close with his brother, Jay, as well. They were the first people you went to whenever Grant had left. Dialing Jay’s number as soon as you set foot in the apartment. He stayed with you that night long after Will had left to get some sleep after the shift you two had just been through. All of your friends promising to love your baby even more to fill the void. Jay in particular promising to be there every step of the way. The next couple months would be a whirlwind of an experience.

————-

“Jay, you don’t have to.” You sighed putting the groceries away.

“Yes, I do.” He stated taking the bags out of your hands and sitting you down on the stool.

“Okay first of all I’m pregnant not dying. Secondly, it’s not your responsibility.” You explained scrolling through your phone.

“You’re not going alone [Y/N].” He scolded.

“I’ll be fine. I work there. It’s not like I don-“ You began before he cut you off.

“Why don’t you want me to go?” He asked leaning against the counter across from you.

“I told you. It’s not your responsibility.” You repeated.

“And I told you that night I would be here every step of the way, and I meant it. I’m going.” Jay replied walking around to kiss you on the head heading into your living room.

————-

“How have you been feeling this week?” Natalie asked rubbing the gel over your stomach while Jay sat at your side.

“Well I-“ You began before Jay answered for you.

“She’s been having bouts of morning sickness the past 2 weeks. It’s been getting worse by the day.” He explained.

“Any pain or spotting?” She asked moving to get the wand.

“No, not-“ You tried to answer again before Jay’s voice overpowered yours again.

“She’s been having swelling and pain in her lower back but that’s normal right? Or do you think somethings wrong?” Jay answered making you throw him a glare.

“What? What’d I do?” He asked recognizing your look all too well.

“I’m capable of talking you know.” You explained.

“Sorry..” He mumbled looking away from you making you feel a little guilty for getting so easily irritated. You grabbed ahold of his hand squeezing it tightly making him throw you a tiny smile. From your other side you heart a tiny thumping making you whip your head over to Natalie.

“Is-is that…” you asked making her smile.

“Mhmm. That is the heartbeat, and here is your baby.” She smiled wide turning the monitor towards you and pointing. A mix of emotions hit you all at once. An overwhelming amount of love along with a hint of fear. You felt tears pool at the corners of your eyes trying to blink them back and swallow the lump in your throat. Getting into Jay’s truck after the appointment you were shocked into silence as he drove.

“Sweetheart. [Y/N]!” Jay shook you making you jump high, snapping out of your thoughts, “You still with me?” He asked when you turned to him.

“Yeah..sorry..I just.. zoned out there.” You answered turning back to look out the window at the buildings passing by. He didn’t comment until he pulled into your driveway putting the truck in park. You moved to get out, but he grabbed your wrist stopping you. You moved to face him a confused look on your face.

“You’re not getting away that easy. What’s going on?”

He asked knowing you like the back of his hand. You bit your lip feeling the lump form again, taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm your panic. “Hey, come on. Talk to me. It’s me.” Jay grabbed your hand concern look on his face.

“I..I can’t do this. You seen how little it was. I’m responsible for a human life now. Every decision I make affects them now.” You panicked laying a hand on your stomach protectively.

“[Y/N] it-“ Jay tried to comfort you but you continued.

“I work 24 hour shifts. Babies are expensive. And what happens what they start asking about their dad? What am I supposed to say then? That he-“ You panicked feeling your breaths getting heavier and quicker, your chest tightening.

“Hey hey hey. Look at me, dear. Right here.” He grabbed your jaw for you to focus on his eyes, getting lost in the deep blue irises immediately feeling calmer, making you take deep breaths until they returned to normal. “I told you before, I'm going to be here every step of the way, and you know everyone else will too. We have your back. There will never be a more loved kid in this world and they will always know that.” Jay promised squeezing your hand reassuringly.

—————

“I’m pretty sure this is fairly self explanatory.” Jay complained helping you down on the mat.

“I never said you had to come.” You shrugged as he positioned himself behind you chest firmly against your back making you blush to yourself. As a pretty blonde girl walked up in front of you hand held out to you.

“Hi. I’m Katelynn, I’ll be teaching the class.” She smiled cheerfully. You both took her hand introducing yourselves. “So, how long have you two been together?” She asked.

“Oh, we’re not-“ You started before she held her hands up.

“Say no more. I’m sorry it’s my first time teaching I should know better than to assume.” She apologized.

“You look so young to have kids. No offense.” You added.

“I don’t actually. You think they would want someone who you know has actually had a child, but I guess being a paramedic is enough of a requirement to know all about childbirth.” She joked, jealousy pinging you as Jay laughed at her joke. “It’s nice to see you stuck around though, for the child’s sake, obviously.” She smiled at Jay, once again making you want to ring her neck.

“Oh, he’s not..” You started to explain as she shook her head.

“I’m going to go greet the others before I put my foot in my mouth again.” She laughed apologizing again, but throwing Jay a flirty smile before walking away.

“I don’t like her.” You huffed leaning further back into Jay.

“What? Why? She’s perfectly sweet.” He defended her.

“Why would they have someone teach a class they know nothing about? That’s like having me teach a geometry class. We’d all be doomed.” You crossed your arms.

“Ain’t that the truth.” He laughed making you gently jab him in his side with your elbow.

“Alright everyone we’re going to start this class out with a little competition. Dad’s come get a baby.” Katelynn ordered. Jay leaned you up enough to stand before returning back to you, baby in hand. “We’re going to see who can undress, change, and redress your baby the fastest. While also being safe and gentle.” She emphasized. All the dads got in position hurrying on the word go. You watched intently, grin on your face as Jay flawlessly finished first. “And we have a winner.” Katelynn announced after inspecting the baby.

“Hell yeah!” Jay exclaimed turning to give you a high five. You shook your head, laughing, and met his hand with yours before noticing the older couples throwing Jay a disapproving look as he mumbled an apology sitting back down behind you and turning his attention back to Katelynn as she giggled at his actions.

——————

“Are you seriously not going to tell me?” Jay huffed crossing his arms.

“I’m seriously not going to tell you.” You shrugged grinning.

“I don’t think that’s very fair.” He complained.

“I don’t think you’re the one pushing it out of your vagina.” You retorted.

“Can we at least make a deal?” He asked sighing.

“Depends. What’s the deal?” You asked propping your feet up on his lap.

“When they’re born I have to be the first one to know AND you have to tell me the name you picked out for the opposite gender.” He explained. You took a minute to think it over before before slowly nodding your head.

“I think that can be arranged.” You agreed.

—————

You were 6 months pregnant at this point and you were exhausted. You couldn’t have been any more thankful for the people in your life. Jay and Will along with some of the other guys had built your nursery for you. The girls had thrown a baby shower for you, and Jay wasn’t kidding whenever he had promised to be there for you every step of the way. If neither of you were at work there was a really good chance that you two were together. He had fallen asleep on your couch and stayed throughout the night countless times in the last few months. Taking you to doctors appointments, birthing classes, helping you through the horrid morning sickness and pregnancy brain regardless of your mood swings. You name it, he was there. You had just gotten home from your shift at the hospital and you went straight for the couch.

“What do you want for dinner?” Jay asked walking in an hour or so later like it was nothing.

“Mmm, I don’t care. Whatever you want.” You mumbled barely keeping your eyes open.

“Take a nap. I’ll figure it out.” He said covering you up with a blanket from the chair beside you. It didn’t take long at all for you to slip into unconsciousness, but you were still conscious enough to hear and recognize the sounds around you. You could hear Jay shifting through cabinets before there was a knock on the door.

Minutes later you heard Will’s voice filling the apartment.

“Why are you doing this, Jay?” Will asked.

“Doing what?” Jay asked in return.

“All of this. You’ve taken over this ‘dad’ role and it’s like you’ve forgotten you’re not actually this kid’s dad. What happens when the baby is born? You just stay here every night? That’s not practical and you’re not thinking long term. I’ve been quiet for a long time, but you need to get your head on straight bro.” Will explained his concern.

“She’s my best friend, Will, yours too. Why would you want her to have to do this alone?” You could hear the irritation and defensive tone in Jay’s voice.

“You know that’s not what I meant.” Will replied.

“Then what did you mean? I’m not going to leave her to do this on her own. Especially after that jackass left. She doesn’t deserve that.” Jay sighed.

“How about you try that again, but tell me the truth this time.” Will implied.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jay huffed.

“I’m your brother Jay. I’m not an idiot. I know how you work. If you can’t even say it to me how are you going to say it to her?” Will asked.

“I literally don’t know what-“ Jay started before Will cut him off.

“Stop! Why do you always have to put up this front? Just admit why you’re doing all this.” Will pushed.

“Because she’s my best friend.” Jay stood his ground.

“Just fucking admit it, Jay!” Will yelled, his voice muffling a little from what you would guess was Jay’s hand flying over his mouth.

“Okay, Will! Yes! I’m in love with her! Why are you making me admit it? It makes no difference!” Jay yelled in a hushed tone. At the confession you suddenly felt more awake.

“Why won’t you ju-“ Will started, but stopped whenever they heard you shifting on the couch. You heard Jay sigh a breath of relief whenever you opted out of making it known you had heard it all, turning on your side to continue pretending as if you were asleep.

————-

You hadn’t questioned Jay on his confession. You were scared. Scared he would just turn around and run, and you didn’t want that. Why didn’t you want that? Because you were pretty sure you were falling for Jay as well. So, instead you kept it to yourself. Pretending like you had never heard the conversation. Things had gotten a bit more tense between the two of you since then. You had lost track of the amount of times you almost gave in to your senses of wanting to kiss him, and even though he might not have noticed it became increasing harder by the day. Today you were 3 days over your due date, and you were so done. It was in the middle of the peak of summer and you were certain if you took one step outside of your apartment you were going to die. Your ankles felt and looked like balloons and you were just ready for it to be over.

“There has to be something else.” You whined almost on the verge of tears.

“Sweetheart, I’m sorry. I don’t know. We’ve tried everything on the list.” He sighed going over the list where you had various things marked off.

Exercise ✔️

Spicy food ✔️

Oils ✔️

Herbs ✔️

Massage ✔️

Until you had gotten to the bottom of the list. Where sex and nipple stimulation stood out checkless.

“Well...not everything…” You trailed off swallowing hard, blush heating your face.

“What? Yes we-“ Jay started looking down at the list before stopping and turning to you with big eyes. “[Y/N]? Are you being serious right now?” He croaked voice strained already.

“I don’t-I don’t know...I’m miserable and I just..” You stumbled over your words not meeting Jay’s eyes but you could feel them searching your face. Jay brought a gentle hand to your jaw turning your face so you were looking at him. “If you don’t want to I completely-“ You began before Jay’s lips cut you off with a gentle kiss. Your whole body immediately feeling like it was on fire. The kiss started gentle before turning more urgent, moving to straddle him as best as you could. You pulled away to get a breath lying kisses down Jay’s jaw to his neck.

“[Y/N]...I need you...to make sure.. you’re being...rational.. about this.. right now…” Jay rasped out between heavy breaths.

“I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.” You admitted backing up to look him in the eyes. His irises a darker blue than what they normally were. He searched your eyes for any sign of hesitation before grasping your face in his hands, pulling you back to his lips. He trailed a finger down your shoulder and arm teasingly before he moved his hand to cup your breast. Massaging it gently. You took his hand in yours guiding him underneath your shirt so your bare breast was in his hand. He used his fingers to pinch your nipple lightly rolling it between his fingers. Making you whine into the kiss before he moved to your other breast. Enjoying every minute of him playing with them. Minutes later feeling a sharp pain in your stomach. You sucked in a deep breath pulling away from Jay quickly.

“What? What’s wrong?” Jay asked concern on his face stopping his movements.

“Nothing..I’m good. Sorry.” You apologized before moving back in to kiss him. Another pain shifting through you, making you groan, hand flying to meet your stomach, and it was then that the worst possible thing that could’ve happened did. Your water broke as you were on top of Jay. The pain suddenly disappeared as you heard a loud pop seconds before a gush of water covered you and Jay. Your eyes met Jay’s in horror feeling the most embarrassed you had ever felt in your life while Jay stayed completely calm. “Oh my god…That didn’t just happen..I’m so sorry. So so so sorry.” You apologized feeling tears immediately cloud your eyes at the embarrassment.

“Honey, hey hey hey it’s fine.” He promised kissing your forehead chuckling a little, “But we have to get to the hospital, okay?” He ordered moving to help you up off of him, rushing into your bedroom. Whenever he returned he had on a new pair of jeans, your hospital bag in hand , a towel, and a new pair of underwear and shorts for you. He moved to help you strip the wet ones off, and dry you before quickly putting the other ones on.

“Can you like...close your eyes or something?” You blushed making him raise and eyebrow at you.

“We were just about to have sex, your water broke all over me, I’m probably going to watch a child come out of you in a few hours, and you want me to close my eyes to help you change?” He teased, amusement in his voice.

“Good point…” You admitted changing with his help before he ushered you down stairs to his truck calling Will on the way down.

—————-

Watching Jay stand at your bedside with your newborn baby girl in his arms had your heart beating rapidly. It was at that moment you knew you were completely and utterly screwed. You were head over heels for Jay Halstead and you had absolutely no intentions of turning back.

“So...the name…” Jay started coming to sit on the bed beside you carefully handing you her over to you. You smiled up at him enjoying the suspension he was in right now.

“You want to know?” You teased and he rolled his eyes nodding his head. “Kennedy Jaye [Y/L/N]...” You smiled down at your little girl before looking up at Jay to see his eyes clouded over.

“Are you..serious..?” He asked in disbelief.

“Yeah. Well, as long as you’re okay with it.” You added.

“Absolutely! 100%.” He smiled wide. “Did the boy name have my name in it too?” He asked after a couple minutes.

“Colton Jay.” You answered making his smirk go wider.

“We can keep that one in the hopper.” He winked making you laugh.

—————

Life had taken a turn for the best after Kennedy was born. Jay finally admitted his feelings for you and you were more than happy to reciprocate. He had been there for all of the ups and downs, by your side through it all in the last year. More than willing to take over the role of “dad” even though you always reminded him not to feel pressured into the responsibility. He truly was incredible with Kennedy and you made sure to count your blessings every day. Kennedy was in her portable crib napping in the living room as you were in the kitchen starting food since Jay would be home soon. Not long after you felt warm arms tangle themselves around your waist.

“Hi, my love.” Jay whispered laying a gentle kiss on your neck.

“Hi.” You hummed leaning back into him.

“Is my princess still napping?” He asked moving his hands to rub your shoulders as you nodded to his question. As if on cue you heard tiny cries start to come from the living room. Jay kissed you on the top of your head before going to retrieve your daughter. You turned the stove down to let the water boil walking over to take Kennedy from Jay’s arms. Once he handed her over she wiggled in your grasp, whimpering slightly, and making grabby hands at your boyfriend causing a sly smirk to light on his face.

“You don’t want mommy?” You asked frowning. She continued to whimper before whining out a quiet “daddy” leaning and reaching for Jay. Jay’s eyes widened at the word before convincing himself he was hearing things. Up until she said it again, this time louder. Registering what was happening a grin lit up his face taking Kennedy back into his arms, instantly relaxing her.

“I’m right here baby girl.” Jay assured her kissing her head, smile not even slightly faltering. “Did you hear her!?” Jay asked enthusiastically making your heart feel full.

“I did.” You leaned up to kiss his cheek. “Looks like I’m not the only one who likes to call you that.” You winked turning to head back towards the stove.

——————

6 years later. You and Jay were married now with a newborn baby of your own, Colton Jay Halstead. Kennedy had taken on the big sister role like a champ, and as far as she knew Jay was her dad. Until the inevitable day came. You had just gotten Kennedy off the bus and you could already tell she wasn’t in her usual sunshiny mood. She wouldn’t answer any of your questions upon walking in the door. You were visibly on edge wondering what could possibly be wrong. Concerned as a mother obviously. Jay returning home a couple hours later. He found you sat on the sofa feeding Colton.

“Hi honey.” He greeted leaning down to kiss you. “Where’s Ken?” Jay asked sitting beside you, “Wait what’s wrong?” He immediately sensed your mood.

“Kennedy came home today and there’s something wrong, but she won’t talk to me about it. I’m her mom. She can talk to me about anything. She’s only 7. Why is this already happening?” You sighed not happy that your little girl was starting to grow up.

“Where is she?” He asked looking around.

“In her bedroom. Watching The Little Mermaid.” You answered. He hauled himself up from the couch, returning a couple minutes later Kennedy in tow. He sat down beside you again, placing her on his lap. She cuddled up into him.

“I hear my princess had a bad day.” Jay stated looking down at her as she just nodded her head. “Well you know we have to talk about it.” He continued making her pout stuffing her face in his neck. “Sweetheart we’re here to help.” He begged rubbing a hand up and down her back until she gave in a couple minutes later.

“Are you my daddy?” She finally asked looking at Jay. Jay looked over at you, words caught in his throat.

“Why do you ask?” You cut in for him.

“Well...the kids asked me at school today why I didn’t have my daddy or mommy’s last name. They told me I must be adopted.” She explained. Making you nod.

“Well honey first of all you’re definitely not adopted. You’re my little mini me,” You laid a hand on her cheek staring at the little copy of yourself. “But, it’s a very complicated thing to explain. The important thing to remember is that a daddy is someone who loves you and cares for you and protects you and who is always there for you. Daddy does that doesn’t he?” You tried to answer beating around the bush. You knew this would come up you just didn’t think it’d be so soon. She sat in silence thinking it over before nodding.

“Well.. can I have daddy’s last name?” She asked. You were taken back by her question a little bit and looked over to see Jay surprised as well.

“I think that’s something you have to ask daddy.” You smiled watching her turn in his lap towards him.

“Can I have the same last name as you and mommy and Colton?” She asked sweetly. You swear you could see his heart melt, tears brewing in his eyes before he cleared his throat.

“I would love nothing more.” He answered kissing her on the head as she hugged him. One day she would know the whole truth, but you were convinced when she did she would only love Jay more, just like you did.

Your life had felt so much more whole once Jay came into the picture. He gave you the love you never knew existed. Not only loving you, but Kennedy. A child who wasn’t biologically his, but was more of a father to her from the word “go” than Grant could’ve ever been. To say you were truly and completely in love with Jay Halstead was an understatement, and you would never want it any other way.

[fanficsandmoregalore]

PopTeacher!Kylo Ren x Student!Reader

Boundaries and Apologies

Summary: Your training is going well but Kylo knows you can do better, you can do more, but only if you try a little harder. He pushes you over the top to see what power you are holding back but he goes a little too far.

Another hit from the fake sword, this time to your ribs. You already had bruises and welts forming elsewhere on your body and you couldn't help but groan in pain.

"Stop complaining, (Y/n) , and fight back." Kylo swung and hit you in the back. You fell into your knees and tried to catch your breath.

You had been snuffed out by Snoke and because the Rebellion hadn't gotten to you first, you were forced to train under Kylo Ren, who was just as or more than upset as you were about it. He hadn't taught you much about the force and it was frustrating you to no end. Your force sensitivity was very unstable and all you wanted to do was learn how to control the power within you.

"Stop it..." you pleaded quietly.

"Get up, we aren't done!" His harsh training sessions were too much for you. You thought him training you would be a little more helpful instead it was always him yelling at you and hitting you with either his hands or a fake lightsaber.

"No! We're not done until i say we are." Kylo was about to land another hit on you but you had enough. You growled and clenched your fist.

"I said stop it!" You shouted. The sword froze inches from your body and hovered. If you hadn't stopped his swing with your force powers, Kylo would've hit your spine. He pulled the sword away from you and huffed.

"That's better but still not good enough. Show me more." He demanded. You got up and glared at him.

"I dont want to train anymore today. Just let me take a break."

"Not until I know what you're capable of. If i dont know what you can do, I wont know what I need to teach you!"

You let out a frustrated groan and held your hand out away from you a bit. The sword flew into your hand and you got back into your fighting stance. As you and Kylo clashed swords, you felt yourself getting more and more irritated and exhausted. It was making you unable to focus and Kylo took this as an opportunity to sweep your leg with his. You fell on you back and laid there, not having the energy to fight back anymore. Kylo put his feet on either side of you and pointed the sword at your throat.

"Dead."

"I dont caaaareeee!!!" You yelled out and slammed the ground with your fist.

"Get up!" Kylo moved and you got on your feet. He was a considerably taller than you and when he went to get up in your face, he always had to bend down a bit.

"When you're fighting you need to focus and stay focused. And you also need to be more forceful and swift when it comes to wielding a lightsaber. You're sloppy! Now try to push me."

It took you a minute to register what he had just told you to do. You looked at him confused and he slapped his chest hard.

"Go on! Use the force to push me!"

You tried to concentrate and move Kylo but he only moved a little. He was clearly frustrated and you were as well.

"Well what do you want me to do? You are teaching me all this hand to hand combat and swordsmanship. Why bother with all of that when you can just teach me about the force and be done?"

Kylo flicked his hand and you fell on your butt and went flying backwards, hitting a wall. Kylo marched over to you and kneeled down to look you in the eyes and slammed a fist against the wall.

"To use the force requires energy and power and you need to learn basic combatics before you waste your energy on the force. You can't just take the east way out, (Y/n)!" Kylo stood and held his hand out, his hand began shaking a large rack of weapons began to float into the air. It took 6 or more people to lift that and carry it into the training room and now Kylo was lifting it without breaking a sweat.

"I want you to be able to do this but you have to have the mental power and that comes from your physical power. If you are weak on the outside, you are weak on the inside."

You grumbled and stood, brushing yourself off and looked at your master.

"Isnt there some other, more painless, way to do that?"

Kylo put the rack down and pinched his temple in annoyance.

"I suppose there is another way. The way I used to use the force before realizing how draining it was. We find the most emotional moment in your life and turn into a sort of alternative source of power that you can focus into your abilities."

Kylo stood in front of you.

"This will hurt a little, are you ready?"

You hesitated but looked up at him and nodded. He lifted his hand in front of your face and you felt yourself go numb and blacked out.

You opened your eyes to see yourself in a large, marble room with thin white, silk curtains that seemed to be hanging from nowhere and marble columns with vines wrapped around them, you on one end and on the other was a very elegant, yet unnerving, white and gold coffin. You were frozen in place and felt yourself begin tearing up, you knew that coffin.

"What is this place?"

"My mother's funeral. The only woman who wasn't afraid of what I could do, and one day she was just...gone."

You felt Kylo's presence and knew he was now standing next to you. You let the tears stream down your face but you kept your eyes locked on the coffin.

Kylo looked at your mother, then you. He put a hand on your shoulder and you gasped for air, blacking out again.

Kylo glanced at you.

"She was sick....there was nothing I could do." You began to slowly walk towards the coffin, Kylo following behind you.

"That day, my emotions got the best of me and I destroyed so much. I just felt so powerless and was so heartbroken, i didn't know it would make me so destructive. My father was so angry...and scared, I could feel it inside burning inside of him. But I'm his daughter, he shouldn't be afraid of me. My mother wasn't. So I ran away, lived on my own for a while and then you and The First Order found me."

You reached the coffin and looked down. Your mother looked as if she was sleeping peacefully and this made you feel calm but still filled you with overwhelming sadness.

"I didn't know what to do without her."

You opened your eyes, panting, and were standing back in the training room. Kylo scoffed.

"Say what you want about me, Ren. Break my bones and make me bleed. But do not, I repeat, DO NOT, speak about my mother like that!" You stopped the choking and made a throwing motion, tossing Kylo at the wall with all the force you could. You wanted him to feel the pain you felt. All the toment from losing your beloved mother, you wanted him to feel that physically. You made him fly across the room several more times, hitting the walls harder and harder, but then you felt weak and your body became exhausted. Kylo fell from the air and landed roughly, coughing up a bit of blood. You were huffing and glaring at him, he looked at you as well, in shock and disbelief. He didn't realize that you had so much power bottled up and why? Because you were scared of what destruction you would cause again? That's just what he wanted. That power, but imagine you being able to control. With power like that, you and him would be unstoppable. The Rebellion wouldn't stand a chance.

"You just ran away. They feared you and you just ran. Your mother would've been so disappointed in you. It's probably best that she passed away before seeing what a pathetic mess you became."

Of course, kylo didn't actually mean any of this. He was just trying to push your buttons to unleash what untapped power you still had hiding away inside you. And it worked, a little too well. You become silent and had a deadly look in your eye. There was a thick tension in the air. Kylo waited to see what was going to happen next. Suddenly, he was lifted into the air and being choked by an invisible force, he was caught off guard and couldn't fight back immediately. Your power was now fueled by nothing but rage and it made what you were doing even more painful. He had just learned about your weakest moment and then mocked you for it.

You got up on your feet and hobbled over to Kylo.

"Get up." You instructed firmly. He did and you both walked to the med center.

As he was being worked on, next to him, you were also being looked at. You glanced over at him. He was plotting an attack on the Rebels but you mistook it as him being upset that you injured him so much.

"I'm sorry, Kylo. I didn't mean to hurt you so badly. I was just so angry at what you said. I just wanted you to know what it felt like for me emotionally, but on the outside. " You spoke softly, feeling that anything louder would upset him. He heard you and looked over at you, then gave you a stern look.

"Don't apologize. I pushed you on purpose to get a reaction and it all went accordingly."

You looked away and began thinking about your mother. You felt yourself begin to cry and Kylo took notice. He did feel a bit bad for you. He cleared his throat and grumbled something.

"I'm sorry about your mother."

You turned to him, tears still streaming down your eyes, and looked at him with surprise. He had never been nice to you in any way so him showing sympathy was strange, but very considerate. You smiled a little as you looked away.

The bots finished their business and you and your master left the room. As you walked back to the training area, you looked at Kylo.

"So...what now?"

He kept his gaze forward, a stern look still plastered on his face.

"We go back and train more. Now that I know what power you are hiding, I will show you how to direct that into the force."

You sighed, of course it was back to training, but at least now he was going to teach you how to use the force.

You got back to the room and Kylo instructed you to stand on one side of the room and he would stand opposite. He gave you a sword and he took his with him.

"Now, you are going to be doing self defense maneuver. I want you to use your sword and combine it with a force push. Do you understand?" You nodded and he began his charge at you. You took and breath and thought about your mom watching you train. This was a calming thought and it motivated you. Kylo had gotten only feet away and swung hard and fast at you, you skillfully blocked it and you used your force to push him away. The rest of training went on like that. After all was said and done, Kylo approached you.

"That was very impressive. Your mother would be proud." That was all he said and then he left the room. You smiled, proud of yourself. Not only for learning quickly how to control your powers but also for proving to Kylo and yourself that you don't need to feel a bad emotion to motivate your abilities.

The next few training sessions were great and Kylo had lightened up a bit on the harshness of his training. You were finally in complete control of your power but little did you know the horrible things Kylo had planned to use them for.

[penguinrecovery96]

*trigger warning* BPD SEVERELY FUCKED ME OVER TODAY!!!!

I didn't sleep at all last night. I actually feel like I have been awake for days. Most of it was anxiety surrounding my appointment with N because of how shit I have been. I was just properly up from about 6am also struggling with acid reflux (is this a common thing in eating disorders????)

I ended up self harming. I tried to distract myself with puzzles and also by watching two points of lager on iPlayer. It helped a little. N turned up at 11:06 when I thought it was 11:30 so she massively caught me off guard and I didn't know what was going to happen. My arm was still bleeding. I hadn't prepared so I massively failed at lying to her. Today's appointment should have gone somewhat simply. We would have discussed the potential of getting a job and then just the usual stuff. Instead things escalated to discussions about family dynamics, death and trauma. I also had to discuss the fact that these intrusive images are coming back and how it effected me over new year's. You can guess that all of this lead to me completely disconnecting and getting a very difficult image/flashback.

I made the decision because of my arm to talk about self harm. She left that in my hands. This escalated to conversations surrounding risk (conjoined with everything). This is where things get bad and I know it should have been fucking simple but just know that my bpd took me and everyone around me for a fucking ride today. I'm in no dissilusion that I was in the wrong. N got me an assessment with this crisis place and I freaked out during it. It's a big step. It's like a mini admission. I then started completely pushing everything back and N was not happy with me. She called bullshit on what I was saying and suggesting we do. She told me straight what would happen but my fear levels were beyond 100. I know I've put her in an awful position. And I am so incredibly grateful for this woman and the support that she gives me. She does care. Many haven't. Well anyway she stopped responding to me and said she would call me on Monday and walked out of my house closing the door between us.

My little bpd brain freaked the fuck out and I thought abandonment and also knew I had fucked things up, should have gone ahead with the all the things we spoke about, and also I was terrified about the prospect of the weekend and how I was meant to deal with it. How was I going to cope when I had pushed away my one support network. How was I going to cope with all this emotion and turmoil.

Thankfully I managed to text with N straight after. She was just trying to reassure me to stick with it. I told her I was sorry and explained that I am just scared. I had to tell her that in the midst of the build up of stress I had overdosed ( but I had purged so I knew I would be okay). N called an ambulance. I didn't want her to because I find being at a&e really difficult. The paramedics were lovely thankfully. Both female. I tend to get all male crews. We ended up talking about toy story and Disney mostly.

At a&e I had all the one done, 2x blood tests and an ECG. There is a receptionist there and she barged in and was like "what's going on!" I literally love her she is so freaking lovely and supportive and genuine. She stayed with me as much as possible. I always feel like I let her down when I am there. Someone else I feel this way to is a mental health nurse called Barry. He is so down to earth and will have a laugh but also tell you as it is. I kinda died a little inside when I saw him cause I had only seen him on Sunday. he got me to ring Nicola to ring him so I had to do that. I was so anxious at first but N seemed to be just like she always is. She just doesn't want me locked in a cycle. I don't want that either but it's difficult to see anything but a major crisis on the horizon and I feel unable to manage or sustain anything. She said the meds I had requested wouldn't be given to me because of the overdose. I don't know if they were going to give me sleeping pills too (probs not if I'm honest). We briefly discussed HTT but said I would discuss it with MHLT later on.

I met some lovely nurses who told me their stories and listened to mine. Made me laugh when I wanted to cry and I am genuinely so grateful for them tonight!

I was put in a room in one of those hospital nighties so I was convinced that I wasn't going anywhere tonight. I was then transferred somewhere else in a&e and pretty much left. I had been fighting the anxiety but I couldn't handle everything and I ended up self harming for about 15/20 mins before someone noticed my door was shut. I was then restrained by about 6-8 people. The lead consultant actually told a load of them to go. I managed to still cut with them on me. They started bandaging my arm so I couldn't get to it and then also trying to get the blade from my hand which took 3 people. They got it. They started saying they would read my notes and that if I didn't calm down they would have to give me a sedative ( I know they probably would have chosen haleperidol which does fuck all to me). There was one nurse in that room who he just held my hands and squose them. He told me that I was alright and everything would be alright. He cleaned my hands and then he held them more. He just made me feel safe. He tried to make me smile and he would keep bobbing in to see me as I had been moved to a more "observable bay". I don't think that it was really but ok.

I saw someone else from mhlt, not gonna lie I wish it had been Barry but oh well. She was alright but it was more matter of fact at first, not about what had it was happening but the coming days. I have to see HTT tomorrow. I have an appointment with them which does scare me because things went so badly before with them but N and Barry both wanted me to access it and so I agreed. I know that I will be seeing N and HTT on Monday most likely for a joint session. Fuck that's gonna be balls!!! I don't have any meds until Sunday probably because I've ran out of meds and they probably won't supply me with anything until Sunday or even next week. I want to see Maddie or Liz who I saw last time but I don't know if they still work there. I don't know why I particularly want to see them when shit went so badly once my care was in their hands. I am trying to be positive about it all. I know risks are increasing and at the first sign it isn't working I'm opting out because I cannot have a repeat of the summer.

I am so glad that they let me go home. Unfortunately I was not allowed to do that fully independently because the hospital paid for a taxi but they made sure I got home safe and it was free so.

I don't know how I would have coped with being in overnight. I did fear after the self harming at the hospital after overdosing and self harming that I was going to be sectioned or at least put on a 5(2). Thank fuck I bypassed that one. Had stitches and steri strips and patched up. Blood work normal. I'm not sure what the ECG results were. I'm just glad it's over.

...oh and I got a new diagnosis or anaemia which shocked me so much!

Like I said I have no cardiology knowledge so I don't know if that is abnormal or not

[jacksallys]

Well I'm pretty sure that you can find everything on ao3 but who knows.

Your profile is always so pretty!! I love how it looks!🥰 also if we are talking about compliments - I adore your writing. Like honestly, it's so good and complex and easy to read.

Yeah,, If you woke up so early today it's understandable.

Hope you'll sleep well!

u know what i checked and there’s 91 works in that tag,,, pretty fun tbh might read some of it

hfkdla thank u so much 🥺 i’ve only rlly recently started making headers so !! i’m always a little worried abt whether they look okay but i’m p happy w how my theme looks atm

hdjdksla,,, i’m !! yes. that’s an emotion,, thank u sm 🥺 i’m always a little nervous abt my writing (and by. a little i mean. very,, embarrassingly so) but !!! i’m glad at least someone likes it hfkdla

yeah !! probably. i did sleep like… nine hours however. since i came off my meds (bc i’m an Idiot and still haven’t picked up my prescription yet it’s been like two weeks now) i !! seem to not. be able to function w out like. 12+ hours of sleep,, like i. slept for abt 15 hours the other day and still napped after like ?? barely being awake six hours it’s wild

thank u <3 probs gonna stay awake for a little while longer bc. otherwise my sister will definitely end up waking me up when she comes in my room to feed our cats but !! it’s okay i’m just gonna. try n write n probably get a little stressed out over That and. maybe watch smth on netflix idk