#i'm so close to the institute and all the heartbreak it's gonna be fun

[fereldanwench]

So we've made a lot of in-game progress since the last little update I made on my random Valerie-inspired playthrough of Dragon Age Inquisition:

The big story advancement was choosing between the templars and mages to close the Breach. I still have no idea where Valerie really stands on magic, the Chantry, etc., so I opted to go for my personal favorite route: disbanding the Templar Order and bringing them under the Inquisition. I just really like Ser Barris (a good man who has mistakenly given his life to a shitty institution and is now coming to terms with it? Why yes, I do have a type, thanks for asking) and The Champions of the Just is prrooobably my favorite quest in the whole game because it's one of the only quests across the entire series that really gives us a good glimpse into the secret life of templars, so to speak. Like we get to see a lot of what life is like behind closed Circle doors for mages in all the games (especially if you play as a mage in Origins), but not so much the templars. Even in DA2, where you do have more access to templars, it's still mostly their public-facing arenas, like the Gallows courtyard. And the way Barris describes how the Order slowly introduced red lyrium into the ranks is horrifying on so many levels. (Also, it always fucks me up that the fully corrupted templars don't die as human enemies, but as creatures.)

This means Valerie met Cole! She also met Dorian since she did talk to Fiona before going with the Templars, and if I recall correctly, he's gonna be pretty pissed that she went with the Templars, whoops. First impressions: Cole: ???? Does not compute. But she's pragmatic and he helped her so he can stay for now. Dorian: Far too pleased with himself, but he's obviously brilliant so at least it's not without cause.

Jury is still out if I'm actually going to romance anyone in this run--Leaning towards no, but Valerie is a bit of a flirt by nature and a heartbreaker in Cyberpunk canon so I have had her up the charm with a few characters: Blackwall: Serious, hardened warrior too committed to his duty and with a manbun (he's modded in my game) certainly meets some of her requirements, and his delighted response when she told him he's better suited to getting eaten by a dragon is fun for everyone. But he's a little too enamored with her too fast and he's not honest. Verdict: Needs less simping, less lying, and more biting sarcasm. Cullen: Flirting with him was more for old times sake and because I wanted to see the cute smile the Inquisitor makes when they say they're willing to listen to his lectures. But Valerie in a lot of ways is sort of a spiritual successor to my favorite Hawke, Rhiannon, whomst I shipped hard with Cullen so there is something there. Cullen also fits the decent-man-coming-to-terms-with-serving-a-corrupt-organization archetype. I think he's just slightly on the wrong side of priggish and dorky for her, though. But perhaps most importantly: I don't want to romance him again, lmao. Verdict: Get wrecked, nerd. Cassandra: I don't currently have a mod installed to romance her as a femInquisitor, so I would have to grab on in order to make this happen obviously. But I think Cassandra actually has the highest potential here: grumpy, stubborn, impulsive warrior trying to stick to a righteous path even if she's full of doubts? With a secret soft side?? I mean, come on. That's perfect. Verdict: Modding magic vs Wench's laziness: Who will win?

I want to grind a little bit more before actually closing the Breach (and dying from cringe at that goddamn singalong scene) so I've been chipping away at various quests in the Storm Coast, Hinterlands, and Fallow Mire. I remember really disliking the Fallow Mire when I first played, mostly because of the undead popping up everywhere, but I'm actually finding it far less of a slog than the other two maps this time around. Like a fairly small map that I can actually clear without huge expanses of emptiness that are just there to make the game seem bigger? Yes, please.

[nobodysdaydreams]

Sophie, I gotta say. Your comments on my work have been above and beyond and are so wonderful. BUT A WHOLE GOOGLE DOC???? 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥹🥹🥹🥹💕💕💕😍😍😍😍

My wonderful friend, thank you so much! Praise and enjoyment of this level deserves a worthy response so without further ado...

My comments on Sophie’s Wonderful Chapter 16 Comments (I'll have to do Ch. 17 later):

First off, I love you that you love my stuff about the Helpers and what happens to the kids (the show just put it in the background, so I wanted to explain that a bit better). As for Milligan, he might have mentioned an Institute employee, but they had a lot to figure out (especially with the whole Kate reveal thing) so Garrison wasn’t exactly at the top of his priority list. at least not at the time.

“AND HE THINKS MR. BENEDICT IS JUST GOING TO GIVE HIM BACK TO HIS AUNT NO QUESTIONS ASKED.”

^I mean, his Aunt is his legal guardian. It would take a lot of effort for Mr. Benedict to fight for him (not that he wouldn’t). I like that you enjoyed the way I wrote Sticky. I don’t know if I’d say he’s the hardest to write, I actually think Reynie might be the most difficult to write for me, but it’s hard to say.

“Oh my goodness, Bods, you somehow nail this kid’s inner monologue so well every single time!! (I say as if you aren’t amazing at writing each and every character you try your hand at)”

^^ And... then I reread this right after I say Reynie is most difficult (mainly because he's the one that's most stereotyped as the "good, unflawed, angelic golden boy", so his conflicts and flaws are less obvious) but I'm glad you like what I wrote for him! Sorry that part about him wanting to live with Miss. Perumal, but being realistic made you cry.

And yes, Kate did tell them right away (and poor Nicholas of course blamed himself for what Nathaniel did).

I'm glad you liked the set up. I wanted to find a good way to begin the narration and account for the character movements that would end with them where they were at the end of Episode 1x8.

"Bods. Bods, I need you to understand that I absolutely adore how you handled Sticky’s family. I am so very over the moon about how you fixed it from being incredibly frustrating in the way the Show decided to go, while not completely ignoring what we see on-screen!!!!! You pulled in elements from the Books, and you weave such complex and satisfying stories for everyone in between the Show plot holes. I’m still crying over this"

^I'm so glad because I LOVED writing this! Sticky deserved a better story arc ending after they almost made him give into the Whisperer. And I also loved having Nicholas talk to him about it, because Nicholas understands how important family is, and how this is a complicated decision for Sticky (his aunt is toxic to him, but Sticky still cares about her, and there were other factors, but it doesn't excuse her actions), because Nicholas lived through that!

"Oooooooohhhhh, Bods. Your psychological and logistical explanations are fantastic. You put so much attention into every aspect, and it makes my analytical brain incredibly happy. The differences in anxiety, the way the Emergency adapted to mess with all kinds of people, the irrational fears. Beautiful"

^I LOVE thinking and writing about the Whisperer and Brain Sweeper's effects on different people. It's so much fun. Also your comments about the Washingtons just showing up on Mr. Benedict's doorstep was funny. No amount of security can keep away a determined parent (or apologetic guilt driven aunt).

So I'm not gonna copy EVERY quote about the Sticky scene (we'd be here all day), but I loved writing about how ending the Emergency had changed her, and Sticky connecting it to his own situation.

"The way you write her dialogue is heartbreaking. We don’t even know this woman’s name and I am instantly sobbing on her behalf. She’s so scared for Sticky, and she seems so sad. She lost her sister, who she was so close to once, and she almost lost Sticky."

^Okay, I'm really glad you liked this! I try to make all my characters seem like real people, and I was worried people wouldn't like me giving Sticky's aunt a slightly more sympathetic take, even if it was a more realistic and relatable one. But I'm glad it landed! (And yes she and Sticky both need hugs).

"THEY BOTH WANT TO TRY TO BE BETTER. AND HE’S WILLING TO GIVE THEM A CHANCE. THIS IS LITERALLY ALL I WANTED AND MORE FROM THE SHOW THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH BODS" / "AND NOW WE GET AN EXTRA SCENE FROM THE AUNT’S PERSPECTIVE I WAS SCREAMING SO MUCH RIGHT HERE. JUST SPINNING IN CIRCLES REPEATEDLY" /"And then all the things you hinted at with his parents, and how you referenced that his mom was in a wheelchair, so many little leads and Book details!!!"

^It's all I wanted from the show too. As for the extra scene, that's mostly insurance. (Not sure if you've seen my post about Reynie and Sticky and the concept of an "unbalanced plot", but I can elaborate on that if you're curious.)

"Everything you write adds so much detail and depth and sympathy and such a complex view of how these characters are people. They feel real, like flawed, imperfect humans who are trying their best, but still make mistakes. I cannot stop thinking about how fantastic all of these characters have become in your hands"

Friend 🥹. I am hugging you through my screen rn. Thank you. 🥰

"AND THE SQ LINE. I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT. AND I’M CRYING ON THE INSIDE." / "SHE KNOWS KATE. SORT OF. AND SHE STILL REMINDS HER OF SQ."

^Yep. It all comes back around. And I'm glad you liked the way I rewrote some show scenes. It's tricky, because now that I finished chapter 17 and am jumping back into show content, there are some scenes where I don't include new plot details, but cutting them feels wrong (I do cut most of the kid's stuff since this fic focuses on the adult plotlines, but I don't want them cut completely, you know what I mean? It's tricky, especially since they are separated from the adults a lot in season 2, so I might just write mostly about the adults for the first three episodes and cut back to them later, especially since I didn't copy in their dialogue or movements. But we'll see).

"And she’s already started the paperwork!!! And she goes right into calling her mom Reynie’s grandmother!! And she wants to see him!!! THEY’RE A FAMILY"

^YES THEY ARE!

"And then Constance!! / Nicholas wants so deeply to make sure Constance is safe and loved. With all his heart he’s trying to do what’s best for her, and even though some of it is because of what happened with Nathaniel, he is aware of what his emotions are, and he appreciates Constance for herself!!!"

^Ah yes, he Constance and Nathaniel parallels (laughs in chapter 17...)

"And Constance has learned that her “colleagues” are different than she was expecting!! But she still doesn’t say it out loud because she’s still so defensive (Although I’d bet Mr. Benedict can read between the lines pretty well at this point)"

^AND DO YOU KNOW WHO ELSE REFERRED TO HIS FRIENDS AS HIS COLLEGUES??? Our favorite theater kid (derogatory).

"Sticky saying he wants to go to Boatwright feels infinitely better in this context"

^I'm glad 🥰

“I see where this is going,” groaned Constance trying her best to act unimpressed and unemotional about the whole situation.”  / ASKFJKDFJKDSKJHDFSJKSDKJHDSJKDSFKJHDF OKAY / Poor Nicholas is such a disaster of emotions right now, but he doesn’t want to burden the others. He’s trying his best

^Poor Nicholas just got rejected by his brother and his daughter. He's... he's really going through it. I hope no one decides to take advantage of that /j.

"Curtain and Garrison trying to out manoeuvre each other with their crazy mind games is simultaneously very funny and very sad"

^It's sad, but incredibly fun to write, because (and you won't realize this for a bit) but my gosh Curtain and SOS Garrison are so similar, more than they realize.

"And then she thinks maybe Nicholas doesn’t care about using and hurting children!! Someone needs to put Garrison far far away from all this disaster and help her get over her trust issues. I have no idea how this woman sleeps at night."

^ Pills. Lots and lots of heavy sleeping pills :D👍🏻

"(However, it’s interesting that Curtain yells almost as if he’s panicking about where the kid is. You’re on a boat, my guy. Where could he have gone? You can really see how this makes Curtain’s downward spiral take a turn for the worse)"

^Curtain is such a bad father, and yet he loves his son. It's fun to write but your "he's...he's on a boat. Where do you think he'd have gone?" comment made me laugh...

"Isaac! He may not be there, but I do love him and some day I will finish my notes on how awesome Isaac and Lindsey’s hero moment is, because I still get giddy whenever I think of it"

^I'm glad you liked their subplot. Isaac and Lindsey are gonna fade back a bit, at least for now until I figure out what I want to do with them, but their hero moment was amazing (though poor Jackson and Jillson would disagree).

"Oh dear, Curtain’s first (And admittedly possibly absent-minded) reaction is to fire everyone except Garrison"

^Because she's his friend 🥺. And she's moved so many ethical boundaries to appease him, he figures she of all people wouldn't dare.

"You know, Bods, when you started hinting at this I was a little scared of it being Auguste, and now that he’s confirmed I’m so scared of what is going to happen next / However Curtain certainly deserves it for checking that he won’t be legally prosecuted for kidnapping and then taking him along for a ride without asking"

^He's studying abroad! ⚓🛳️

"Oh my oh dear. Poor SQ has literally no clue what’s going on. He’s such a mess!! I really want to give him a hug too. That must be so stressful for him :( / I KEEP FORGETTING THAT CURTAIN SWEPT HIM AND IT SCARES ME EVERY TIME I HAVE TO CONSIDER THE IMPLICATIONS"

^SWEPT HIM? Sophie, you keep harping on this. We have no evidence of what went on in that chapter. For all you know, maybe SQ really did fall. I see no reason to assume the worst.

"It’s infuriating how if you take Curtain’s vague explanations about Nicholas out of context they actually sound kind of semi-sane"

^I REALLY love this comment. More than you can imagine. Because it's Curtain's truth, he believes it, so of course it sounds sane to him.

"SQ!!!! NOT EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT. STUPID BENEDICT FAMILY TRAIT OF EXTREME GUILT HARBOURING. SOMEONE HELP THIS CHILD"

^This comment also made me smile, though I'll keep the reason to myself. But yes, SQ has picked up on his father's habits and he needs help. (But I'm glad you liked the Curtain and SQ hug).

"Why is the whole of North America grouped like that? Adjkdjdfjkdjk. Like, if you get made in Georgia, then Canada is out too. It doesn’t really matter, but it’s such a funny wording thing it struck me as so silly"

^Because I don't know if Stonetown is in the US or Canada, so I'm covering my bases.

“He’d lost two perfect and loving parents, he’d always struggled to make friends and connect with other children, and now thanks to Nicholas, he might have lost his chance to go to the college that he wanted” / HOW ARE YOU SO CLOSE BUT ALSO SO VERY OFF THE MARK MY GOOD MAN???? He gets REALLY close to figuring things out, but all of his ridiculous, ingrained mental blocks are making him very blind to some very important facts

^Yeah. Like, no Curtain. Your brother destroying your evil plans isn't the reason your son is having difficulty going to college. YOUR EVIL PLANS are the reason your son is having difficulty going to college.

"“It was a quality Curtain secretly admired, and one that he had never been able to apply to himself, especially considering what he’d just lost” Also so very very excited by this line. It’s utterly gorgeous."

^Had to explain the back handed compliment somehow (and Curtain does mean it as sincere, even if it doesn't come off that way).

"Oh, Garrison. She is so scared, and she’s really desperate to leave, but it’s kind of interesting, because she’s missing so much of who she is since she brainswept herself, it’s kind of like this horribly unhealthy symbiosis with Curtain. Curtain is the only one who remembers the SOS, and therefore who she actually was for so many years, and he’s so forceful that he’s affecting a lot of her decisions. Whether he realizes it or not, he’s kind of railroading her into who he remembers her as (Emphasis on remembers). So I wonder who she’ll be once she actually gets away from Curtain. And whether or not she realizes it, he is a big part of her life, and I feel like having the last remnants of who she was (However twisted they are) stripped away is going to have some kind of effect on her…"

^She is missing a lot of who she is. And she's not the only one. Astute observation...

"The explanation of it being like a backup location for the Institute is genius!! I just assumed Curtain had more money than he knew what to do with and was also paranoid"

^I mean...he is paranoid and he does have more money than he knows what to do with. But the construction would take way more than a year, so I had to come up with something else.

“ “Those are Dr. Curtain’s lemons!” Jackson reminded him, “And you shouldn’t be stealing and throwing other people’s property!” ” Is an incredible line. I adore it so much, and it is something I can definitely see him saying. Like, visually. Astonishing / "AND THEN THE DEWEY LINE. I CAN’T EXPRESS HOW EXCITED I AM BY THIS AND ALSO CONFUSED AND SO VERY VERY AFRAID. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS, AS I’VE TOLD YOU. AND ALSO I FEEL REALLY BAD FOR WHATEVER TEACHERS HAD BOTH OF THEM AS STUDENTS IN THE PAST. AND ALSO THE KIDS. THEY NEED BETTER PARENTS"

^I love giving background characters the more insane plotlines. And I adored writing that line, because it is a very Jackson thing to say.

"THE ALPACA. BODS. YOU HAVE SUCH A FASCINATING RELATIONSHIP WITH THE ALPACA. WHY IS IT SUCH A PLOT POINT????? /j /j /j /j /affectionate /love you"

^Um...because he's the most complex and iconic character in the entire series? The fic is really about him if you think about it. /j /unless...

"Bods… I know I’m always saying that you make me like all these side characters, and talking about how talented you are, and not that you aren’t talented, but… I still really hate Marlon. / You gave him depth!! (As much as you could) And you made him more human!! (But he’s still awful)"

^You still hate him because I hate him. I can make any other character redeemable, but Marlon's interactions with Jackson and Jillson reminded me of some of my former coworkers, so I don't like him.

And thank you for enjoying my psychology rants! 🥰🥰🥰

"Something about Garrison being so upset that Curtain used the Happiness on a child gives me a smidgen of hope"

^Enjoy it while it lasts.

"AND HE FIRED GARRISON. I DIDN’T THINK HE WOULD EVER ACTUALLY DO IT. FEAR / Buuuuuuut he’s still keeping her. IT MAKES ME SO SAD. / They could have been such amazing friends, and now he’s literally keeping her prisoner at his cult against her will, and she’s terrified what he’s going to do D:"

^Yeah...the breakup of their friendship was slower than the others, but wayyyyy more destructive.

"Oh. Oh. Oh. OH NO / Garrison’s using the technique on him :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( / And he wants her to, because he’s so alone. He misses her, he misses his friends, he misses his brother. / “Curtain felt it again. That feeling he got whenever people complimented, praised or supported him. The feeling of the world around him getting brighter, calmer, safer. Finally, Garrison was acting like his friend again. She wanted to support him. She wanted to help him. She cared about him. And the more Curtain listened to her voice, the more he wanted to keep hearing it.” / THIS IS BARELY EVEN THE TECHNIQUE. HE JUST IS HORRIBLY HORRIBLY LONELY AND NEEDS A HUG /I can’t even express how sad I am over this. You write pain exquisitely well, and it’s such a burst of colours and emotions and sensations in my head. It’s like a gorgeous painting, and there’s this tinge of incredibly textured melancholy in each and every scene. A whole collage of memories and feelings that is truly magnificent. I know I’m rambling like a crazy person, but these are the only words I’ve got right now to tell you how much I’m enjoying your writing"

^I just kept all of this because I loved writing about the parallel attempts of them trying to use the happiness on each other and failing (like I said, more similar than they realize). And yeah... the Isaac thing really does make Curtain upset, because he realizes she betrayed him too. So he's hurt and angry all over again. And it gets worse each time it happens.

"SQ. Buddy. Buddy boy. Fandom’s child. You need some help. / He keeps wanting things to be “normal”, but he doesn’t even know what that means. He’s been living a fabricated “normal” his whole life"

^He really does need some help. The poor boy. But don't worry. I sense some help might be (slowly but surely) on the way...

"HE HASN’T THROWN YOU OUT BECAUSE HE’S A DELUSIONAL MANIAC BUT HE STILL LOVES YOU AND VALUES YOU AS A FRIEND / AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH / SHE’S SO SMART / I LOVE HER SO MUCH. SERIOUSLY SHE’S BECOME SUCH AN IMPORTANT CHARACTER TO ME BECAUSE OF THIS. I KNOW IT’S PROBABLY GOING TO HURT HER IN THE END BUT I AM ALSO ROOTING FOR HER. I’M SO CONFLICTED RIGHT NOW / Oh, oh, I want her to be happy so bad. SO BAD."

^I am forever so excited and pleased that so many people like Garrison because of my fic. Wasted potential in the show. Also her reaction to Curtain trying this on her is less angry than Curtain's, because she views him as an enemy not a friend, which did make me a little sad.

"Somehow you can so perfectly hit on the “wet cat” way the Show writes Mr. Benedict as well as his more triumphant, masterful moments."

^The poor nervous absent minded man. He's brilliant, kind, and wonderful, but oh... oh does he need therapy. And Rhonda and Number Two.

"Can’t articulate how much I love your work"

^I think you did a pretty good job... you did make a whole google doc (I love you so much for that)

"The ending of “Who?” / AHHHHHHHHH / Because they don’t KNOW who Garrison is!!!!!! /The dramatic irony!!!!! THE PAIN!!!! THE AGONY!!!!!!"

^I loved writing that. Especially because a lot of the character's don't interact with her and then in the root cellar they are like "hello Garrison", like...the show could have done more with that! (Or maybe not, because they couldn't get the actress back for long, which makes me sad).

"I swear, my notes are getting less and less coherent every time. This is a teensy bit rushed because I won’t let myself read the next chapter until I get this out, but please know!!! Even if it’s not up to par with my previous notes it’s not because I don’t like it!!!! It’s because I like it so much I’m really bad at actually saying it. To paraphrase Jane Austen, If I loved your work less, I might be able to talk about it more :) "

^This was perfect Sophie. I love your reactions, and thank you for enjoying my fic!

@nobody33333333 You've forced my hand

My S.O.S. notes have become too much for Tumblr to handle, so until I figure out a better system, I shall be sharing them like THIS (Chapters 16 & 17)

I don't know if anyone else cares to see my unhinged gibberish, but if you do, there it is :)

[siribear]

before they leave, virgil reveals he has plans for their relay. a pipe dream, he called it, to get back into the institute. get the serum himself. but now that they’ve come - it’s the most excited, most hopeful, he’s been their entire time here.

by contrast, deacon isn’t happy to learn the plans are on the terminal. with no spare holotapes to download the plans on, she has to interface with the terminal herself. which means she has to step out of the power armor and bathe in radiation until a rad-x pill kicks in.

and it does, but not before she feels the growing headache, the ache in her gums. the plans download to her pip boy quickly in comparison.

‘think we should relocate out here?’ deacon says suddenly. ‘even the institute doesn’t want to come out here. worth it in exchange for the radiation, if you ask me.’

whisper looks over her shoulder to see him fiddling with some scrap on a table. keeping his hands busy, maybe. while one hand pokes at an old typewriter, the other is balled into a fist. his fingers flex, then clench, then flex.

‘i can have sturges draw up a floor plan for your new house when we get back, how about that? we’ll start construction when we bring back virgil’s serum.’

he walks up beside her, puts an arm around her shoulders. ‘this is why you’re my favorite.’ his voice sounds even more distorted through his suit up close, unfiltered through the power armor’s speakers. ‘always giving me something to look forward to.’

before she has time to register and unpack that statement, virgil’s terminal pings. file transfer complete. she has him check for any missing pieces, any file corruption, just in case. it’s all there. every little piece that’ll bring her to shaun.

except one.

‘someone will have to decode the courser chip before it will take you anywhere,’ virgil explains. ‘that’s the only missing piece.’

‘we know a guy,’ deacon says, ushering her back into the power armor. honestly. a girl collapses from radiation poisoning once and now it’s an issue. ‘anything else we need to know?’

virgil ignores him and looks up at her once she’s fully settled within the armor. he considers her, frowning. ‘you look.. familiar,’ he says slowly.

‘i’ve heard that before.’ from the synth she met with danse. he looked at her and said he could trust her.

he hums. ‘how old is your son?’

at that, whisper pauses. she - doesn’t know. the boy in kellogg’s memories has her confused. is shaun still a baby? or is he that ten year old she saw with kellogg? how long after the murder and kidnapping did she really wake up? whisper clears her throat. ‘an infant,’ she answers. ‘why?’

a heavy sigh is her answer before he shakes his head. ‘it’s nothing. the virus,’ he says, eventually, ‘has its side effects. sometimes i think i’m losing parts of myself.’ he knows something, or thinks he knows something. or maybe the combination of the virus and isolation have gotten to him.

whisper lifts her left arm slightly. ‘it’ll take some time to complete all of this, but i promise, i’ll be back with your serum.’

virgil nods. ‘thank you.’

-

deacon is almost comical in his ushering her out of the cave. ‘i thought you wanted to put down roots here?’

he grunts, slapping his hand against the back of the armor to get her to move faster. ‘right. casa del deacon. that’s after we get back, though. for now, we should go.’

‘alright, alright. i can’t wait to get out of this tin can, anyway.’ she breaks into a jog; the power armor’s strength carries her bounding steps further than deacon’s expecting. he yells hey! as she speeds back toward the edge of the glowing sea.

the return trip is quicker than the initial journey. they opt to keep walking through the night, dodging around packs of ferals and more wandering deathclaws until they’re finally out of the sea. she and deacon remove their respective helmets once her geiger counter finally stops ticking halfway down the road. blood drips onto one of the gauntlets, pooled at the bottom of her helmet collar.

at the edge of a small farmstead, nestled in a grove of dead trees, they treat her bloody nose and rising rads. a man interrupts deacon hooking up her radaway bag, gun raised, he shifts it between the two of them. ‘what do brotherhood bastards want now?’

whisper brings a blood-soaked cloth away from her nose. ‘not brotherhood,’ she explains, nasally. she illuminates her power armor with her pip boy, the area awash in green. ‘have they been through here much?’

the man lowers his gun slightly. ‘asked for supplies. a place to stay. kicked my own kids out of their beds so they could sleep here. if you aren’t brotherhood, what do you want?’

‘my partner here’s got two left feet,’ deacon explains. ‘tripped and fell on her nose. we just need to rest a moment. outside your house. totally out of your way.’

whisper snorts, more blood spurting from her nose. she spits red onto the ground. ‘we’ll move on soon, and we won’t be a burden on you or your children.’

the man grunts. ‘you’re minutemen, right?’ at whisper’s nod, ‘come on. at least i can keep a better eye on you inside, if you’re lying.’

deacon stuffs the ivs and needles back in his bag, and whisper removes the fusion core from the power armor and tucks it in her own. she removes a pouch of caps and hands it over to the man. ‘i don’t know if this will make it up to you, but - ‘

he takes it. ‘didn’t know if you minutemen would know how to find us out here. no caravans. my kids only hear the stories on the radio. my little girl’s a big fan of the general.’

deacon elbows her lightly, then tips her head back again and leads her toward the house. ‘i’ll make sure a patrol makes it down here. supplies, food, anything we can provide.’

‘you’re the general?’ he asks with disbelief. then he laughs, his demeanor changing completely. ‘oh, my little girl’s gonna love this.’

-

between whisper’s recovery and deacon’s stories to the kids, they end up staying the night. the father ushers the bother and sister back to their rooms once the sun begins to set. the exhausted pair are left alone with a pile of extra clothes on the floor as bedding and frayed blankets draped over a lone couch. broken and open windows allow the cold night air to blow through the small house. whisper sits on the couch, curled in on herself with one of the blankets wrapped around her.

‘you’ve got a little fan,’ deacon murmurs at her feet, wrapped in his own blanket.

‘and you told her i killed the mirelurk queen by myself.’ she kicks him softly.

‘hey, i was knocked out. what do i know?’

she chuckles lightly, drapes her arms over his shoulders and rests her chin on his head. under the ever-present wig, deacon’s now sporting a rough, ginger stubble that scratches against her chin. whisper watches the kids in the other room, smiling, as they sprawl out in their sleep.

deacon runs a finger along her palm, and her fingers curl in response. ‘what’s on your mind, partner?’

‘these kids have to deal with a lot,’ she says, airily. ‘back - back where i’m from, it wasn’t this harsh. certainly not perfect, but nothing like this. but they’re still finding things to be excited about. they looked so happy listening to you.’

‘it’s you everyone’s enamored with, pal. that little girl definitely wants to be you when she grows up.’

‘she’ll have to find herself a mouthy partner, then. wouldn’t be the same without one.’

-

at some point in the middle of the night, whisper abandoned the couch entirely, and finds herself waking up curled next to deacon on the floor. she sits up, one of deacon’s arms sliding down to rest in her lap. the rest of the members of the house are already awake, despite the sun barely having risen. beside her, deacon stirs.

‘i’m getting too old for this, for sure.’ he stretches out like a cat. ‘the kids are up, too? man.’

whisper notes he isn’t surprised at all to see her next to him. ‘come on, old man. let’s go home.’

-

they haven’t talked at all about what virgil told them. maybe he’s waiting until they return to hq so they don’t have to repeat themselves when making their plans - and even have more opinions on what’s surely going to be a ridiculous plan. whisper remembers the dead bodies strewn about the switchboard. the names deacon could remember. methodically and easily cut down, only slowed but not stopped by hails of turret fire.

‘a courser,’ deacon says absently. always following her own train of thought.

‘a courser,’ she repeats.

he sucks in air between his teeth. ‘that’s not gonna be easy.’

she sighs. ‘you saw him. if there were another way, he’d know. for now, this is what i’m stuck with.’

‘i’ve seen you do some crazy things, whisper, but this?’ he pauses. ‘tom could probably cook something up with those blueprints. let’s have fighting a courser be the last resort, okay?’

he’s scared. deacon, who led her into a den of synths with just the two of them, who followed her into the glowing sea despite its inhabitants, is scared. ‘you don’t have to do this. i’ve seen power armor take a beating.’

‘what kind of partner would i be if i let you go after a courser alone? if that’s what you want to do, i’ll be there. let’s just explore our options, first.’

‘okay,’ is all she says in return. she can’t allow his nerves to get to her. not since this is for shaun. she’s so close now; whether deathclaw or courser, she can’t let anything stand in her way. but it will be comforting to have him by her side.

-

sturges greets them at the gates to the castle, and she’s all too eager to hand over the power armor to him. he notes the flecks of blood in the helmet and the dried stain on her jumpsuit, but she waves him off. ‘radiation. where’s preston?’

‘in the armory, working with a few others on building more guns. havin’ trouble keepin’ everyone armed, now.’ he grins. ‘but that’s tons more friends we’ve got, and much less more enemies, right?’

whisper is mostly just glad to get out of the armor. the reminder that she’s now built a militia, an army, doesn’t bring the same smile to her face. with the prydwen looming across the bay, she remembers the words from nate’s speech, the only part she didn’t have to help him write: war never changes.

‘how’s everything going here, then? i see the shops are coming back outside now.’

sturges ducks down into the hallway. ‘yep. we’ve had some caravans out of bunker hill set up inside those old buildings. a family or two are living further down the neighborhood and joined us. all’s goin’ pretty well.’

when they reach the armory, there’s already a group of minutemen standing in the small room. it smells of gunpowder and grease, and a stack of ammunition sits on the middle table along with a series of laser rifles and pipe guns scattered along the other tables. with the slight rumbling from the power armor, one of the minutemen drops a screw for his pipe gun and looks up at the incoming armor.

there’s a scramble of movement as the minutemen move out of the way while also trying to clean up their mess of weaponry. sturges makes it through to the power armor station toward the back. the armor powers down, and after he steps out of the armor, pulls down a series of hooks to hold the frame in place.

with the power armor out of the way, the others finally see her walking down the hallway. the minutemen stand at attention, black-stained hands across their brows. preston, however, moves away from the bench, his jacket slung over a chair in the corner. he approaches her, hands reaching for her but stops himself short.

with a sigh and a soft smile, he says, ‘i’m glad you made it back safe, general.’

whisper looks behind him to the minutemen standing at attention. ‘thank you, preston. i do have something to talk to you about. and you, sturges,’ she adds, noting that he’s already put on a pair of safety goggles and heavy gloves.

after telling the rest of the minutemen to return to what they were doing, whisper leads them down into the tunnels and to sarge’s terminal. deacon startles at the doorway. ‘uh, anyone else see that thing, or did i eat some bad rations on the road again?’

‘he’s deactivated, don’t worry.’

deacon looks him over. ‘he’s facing that terminal. did he deactivate himself?’ whisper takes a deep breath. ‘whisper.’

she shoves his shoulder, but he crosses his arms. ‘you can punish me later, okay? but first - ‘ whisper explains virgil as she loads up the plans onto the terminal. behind her, sturges whistles.

‘complicated, but given some time, i can do it. this part, though,’ he circles a finger around the schematic for a computer, ‘that’s gonna be the hard part.’

‘we know a guy,’ whisper and deacon say simultaneously.

at that, sturges nods. ‘alright. no problemo. give me a few months, and - ‘

whisper nearly chokes. ‘months?’

‘this is a pretty big contraption here, general. we gotta clear out an area, build the thing - and the amount of materials we have to collect. our numbers will help, but it’ll be a while.’

months. her stomach sinks, same as when she walked into kellogg’s empty house and found nothing. a hand suddenly lands on her shoulder, startling her. ‘a vacation. thank you, sturges,’ deacon says, voice pitched higher to match her own. in his voice, ‘we have to coordinate with our other friends, too. and i’m sure everyone will come out of the woodwork with their own problems they want you to solve. it’ll pass quickly, don’t worry.’

whisper takes a deep breath. right. months to finish, months to scratch everything else off her to-do list. she angles her head in his direction. ‘to our friends, then? should we bring them here, so they can work together?’

deacon grimaces. ‘that’s between des and tom. the amount of battery acid injections he’ll make us all take before he agrees..’ he trails off with a wince.

‘battery acid?’

‘carrington wasn’t happy when he introduced it.’ he shrugs. ‘less happy when i let him inject me with it. i might be able to convince him, but it’s up to des.’

preston and sturges look at each other, then to whisper. ‘it’s, um. a long story.’ she shrugs off deacon’s arm and inserts one of the holotapes on the desk. ‘just in case, i’m going to make a copy. that way tom can at least look at it.’ she does and puts the holotape in her bag.

‘alrighty then. you and your friends story everything out.’ he claps whisper on the shoulder, and she’s sure there’s going to be a bruise from all the reassurances today. ‘i’ll get started on this right away. don’t you worry.’

but she worries. back up the stairs, she worries. because it’s months. she barely notices preston still following behind her until he puts a hand on the small of her back. ‘i don’t... mean to add more to everything going on, general, but i thought you should know: mama murphy’s been asking about you. she wants to talk to you, back in sanctuary.’

mama murphy. ‘you don’t think she had a vision, do you?’

‘i hope not. she has to take jet to see anything. can you - can you check in on her, at least? i’m sure the longs would like you see you, as well.’

‘of course. i should see how codsworth and dogmeat are doing, too.’

‘right. uh,’ he removes his hand and takes a step back. ‘i guess i’ll coordinate a few groups to retrieve scrap metal for this project.’ he wipes his brow. ‘after a shower.’

‘i know a few places that might have some useful scraps. i can mark it on - ‘ she pauses, then, ‘did you say shower?’

‘yeah, sturges found some piping after we cleared out a collapsed wing. we put up some curtains and he set up a few showers.’

whisper blinks, then bolts toward the workshop once more. tom and mama murphy can wait. she’s going to take a shower.

[sapphicscholar]

hi so I didn't know who to ask but in my psych class we're learning about adolescent psychology, & there was this unit on developing interest in relationships. It went way into detail on how the brain changes during that time, which was interesting, but ofc my gay ass couldn't relate. at the end all it said was 'it's different for homosexuals.' I guess I'm wondering if you know of any way to learn about psychology relating to LGBT people? srsly im thirsty for anything in academia I can relate to

(same psych anon) that was a pretty specific question so I guess like do you have any info or know of any links/ websites/places to learn about lgbt history and lives and stuff like that in an academic way? bc I love school & learning but I’ve always wanted to learn more about myself and people like me, but they never teach that in schools.

Oh my gosh SO MANY THINGS! Okay, so, the psych stuff is pretty outside of my knowledge but I asked my gf (she does the science in this relationship while my gay ass just reads a whole lot of books), and she recommends Helen Fisher and looking at the researchers at the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality or the Kinsey Institute, as well as The Sage Encyclopedia of LGBTQ Studies (it’s an online resource a lot of universities subscribe to). But I’d also say that as far as thinking about developmental narratives, LGBTQ memoirs are a great place to start, especially since so many of them go through their own experiences of having to confront this heteronormative, cis-centric narrative that just doesn’t fit them and their lives. 

So some good queer history authors are: John D’Emilio (comprehensive, if a bit male-centric), Lillian Faderman (writing all about lesbian history, including more recent history; very well-respected; she’s got some issues in her scholarship that by no means discount it as a whole, but I’m happy to talk more about if you want), Michael Bronski (his Queer History of the United States is really accessible), George Chauncey (it’s just of NYC, but still fun), Estelle B. Freedman, Foucault (though it’s not quite “history,” it’s a kind of history meets theory of regimes of power and how sexuality got tied up in that), Martha Vicinus (I adore her), Valerie Traub (goes all the way back to the early modern period), and so many others who really focus more on niche history, so I won’t list them here. There are some web resources, but I know a lot of them are databases that are subscription-based. I’ll see what I can’t dig up in the next couple of days as far as free websites. I know they exist; it’s just a matter of having the time to look…

Okay, you didn’t specifically say you were interested in literature but bc I taught literature and think it’s a great way to learn about the history of a group, I’m gonna list some anyway and you can feel free to disregard!

Patricia Highsmith, The Price of Salt (or Carol, depends on the year it was printed) – you can also check out the movie! I find the two to be complementary (the book gives you Therese’s POV almost exclusively, whereas the movie shows much more of Carol’s story) 

Alison Bechdel, Fun Home is her graphic novel/memoir that’s really excellent, but the comic strip that sort of launched her as a public persona (at least within the lesbian community) was Dykes to Watch Out For, quite a bit of which is available for free online

Henry James, The Bostonians – one of the first recognizable depictions of a queer female character in literature (not really…I’d trouble that as a professor, but that’s how it gets taught in general, and it was one of the first books where even contemporary reviewers were quick to note that there was something “wrong” or “morbid,” which was 19th C. code for what would come to be understood as lesbian sexuality, about Olive Chancellor) – free online, though it’s James at his most….Jamesian, which means it’s not that accessible

The poetry of Emily Dickinson! It’s all free online. There’s a ton of it, though much of it isn’t obviously queer

James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room – gets into bisexual identity in a way a lot of works don’t do; on the sadder side…fair warning 

Virginia Woolf! Especially Orlando or Mrs. Dalloway – the former has been called “the longest and most charming love-letter in literature” (to Woolf’s longtime friend and lover, Vita Sackville-West) and deals with the fluidity of gender and time; the latter has quite a few flashbacks to the brief childhood romance of the protagonist and her friend. Both of them are great, but Woolf, as a modernist, can have a writing style that’s difficult to get into at first (for instance, time really isn’t stable or linear, which is something I adore about her, but definitely takes some getting used to). They’re both available free online through Project Gutenberg

Radclyffe Hall, The Well of Loneliness – it’s a classic, in the sense that it’s one of those books people sort of expect you to have read if you do lesbian literature. It’s certainly an interesting story and told well, but it’s not even close to a happy ending and is rather conciliatory to prevailing norms (though even still it was taken to the courts under the  obscenity laws) - free online, though!

Sarah Waters – a contemporary novelist who writes almost all historical fiction about queer women! Some of her stories are better known (e.g. Tipping the Velvet), but they’re pretty much all great. Varying degrees of angst, but definitely an accessible read

Maggie Nelson, The Argonauts – sort of experimental in form (it’s fiction with footnotes!); it deals with a lesbian woman coming to terms with her partner’s transition and her own identity during the process 

E.M. Forster, Maurice – even though it was first drafted in the 1910s, Forster edited it throughout his life, and, given the subject matter, which was also autobiographical, and the prevailing attitudes at the time, the book was only published posthumously in the 70s

Colette’s Claudine series – it’s long (multi-volume) but sort of a classic – they’re all old enough to be free online, though the English translation is harder to come by 

Eileen Myles – lesbian poet and novelist – I’d recommend Inferno but some of her poetry is free online 

Rita Mae Brown – Rubyfruit Jungle and Oranges Are not the Only Fruit are both quite good, though, especially the latter deals with religiously-motivated homophobia, so I know at least my girlfriend, who dealt with a lot of that from her family, opted not to read it for her own mental health. 

Tony Kushner, Angels in America – this two-part play deals with the AIDS crisis in America – it’s been turned into a TV miniseries, a Broadway play, and a movie, some of which are available online

Really anything by David Sedaris or Augusten Burroughs – both are gay authors who deal a lot with short stories (a ton of memoir/autobiographical stuff) – the former is a bit funnier, but they both have enough sarcasm and dry wit even in dark situations to make them fast reads 

Alan Ginsburg’s poetry 

Walt Whitman’s poetry (though it can be really fucking racist) 

Binyavanga Wainaina, One Day I Will Write About This Place – does deal with issues of sexual abuse as a warning 

Anything by Amber Hollibaugh (she writes a lot about class and butch/femme dynamics – quite a bit of her stuff has been scanned and uploaded online) 

Michelle Tea – was a slam poet; recovering alcoholic; fantastically funny and talented author and delightful human being if you ever get the chance to meet her or go to one of her readings

Randy Shilts, And the Band Played On – more a work of investigative journalism than anything, the work is a stunning indictment of the indifference of the US government during some of the worst years of the AIDS crisis, but it also provides a good bit of gay history 

Terry Galloway Mean Little Deaf Queer – deals with one woman’s experience of losing her hearing and navigating the world and the Deaf and deaf communities as a once-hearing person – she’s sort of acerbic and always funny;

Jeffrey Eugenides, Middlesex – grapples with intersex identity in a way that’s still far too rare in literature 

Theodore Winthrop, Cecil Dreem – just rediscovered about two years ago, this is one of the few pretty happy gay novels from the nineteenth century! Free online!

Leslie Feinberg, Stone Butch Blues – pretty clear from the title, but deals with a butch character’s struggles with gender identity (takes T to pass for a while, but then gets alienated from the lesbian community; eventually stops taking T, but still struggles with what that means for her) – Feinberg’s wife made it free online for everyone after Feinberg’s death (the book had a limited print run, which made finding copies both hard and expensive) 

Harvey Fierstein, Torch Song Trilogy – trilogy later adapted for film about an effeminate gay man (who also performs as a drag queen) and his life and family   

Oscar Wilde – his novels aren’t explicitly gay, but they often dance around it thematically, at least; his heartbreaking letter, De Profundis, which he wrote to his lover while imprisoned for “gross indecency,” is available online 

Anything by Dorothy Alison 

Audre Lorde, Zami: A New Spelling of My Name - great as a memoir and a cultural history  

There’s so many more but this is so my jam I suspect I’ve already rambled too long

If you’re interested in film, here are a few: 

Paris Is Burning (a film about drag ball culture in NYC) 

Fire – Deepa Mehta (it’s on YouTube in the US) 

Boys Don’t Cry – there is a lot of homophobia and transphobia in the film, so it’s definitely one you’ll want to be in the right mindset to watch (I, for one, have only watched it once) 

But I’m a Cheerleader – over-the-top mockumentary-esque film that satirizes conversion therapy and the Christian “documentaries” that claimed to showcase their successes (RuPaul is in it as well) 

Desert Hearts – one of the earliest films to leave open the possibility of a happy ending for the lesbian couple 

Hedwig and the Angry Itch – deals with gender identity and feelings of not belonging (also a fabulous musical) 

Philadelphia – about one man’s experience of discrimination while dying of AIDS 

There are plenty of lighter films, but I figure these tend to also talk more seriously about some issues as well

I don’t know if anyone but me made it to the end of this post, but there’s also so much fun queer theory out there that I won’t get into here, but I’m always up for giving more recommendations!