#i'm scared to post art in a big fandom for the first time. shaking like a leaf over here

[petpetpinixy]

hayy

[mmollymercury]

For the ask game: 💚💚💚

44. How often do you lie? Is all lying inherently bad? Are you generally truthful?

67. What’s the worst thing a person can be?

93. Do you draw meaning from your dreams, or do you disregard them?

OoOooOOO here we go!

Prepare for a long post with some venting sprinkled in

Okay, first: do I lie? Not much. I know a lot of people say that but I'm actually pretty proud of the fact that I don't lie often; I used to have a big problem with making stuff up about my life as a way to mask and fit in with neurotypicals. I was never my true self with my friends, out of fear of being shamed or bullied. I mostly stayed on tumblr back then (way more than now, if u can believe it) still had this blog, just a 'beta' version of it lol and I was in soooo many fandoms, I didn't interact with ppl tho, I'd be scrolling through fanfic and art all day, reblogging stuff and posting art that got literally ZERO notes lol, daydreaming about living in my hyperfixations and venting to a brick wall (essentially) about what I now know to be OCD. When I was revamping this blog, deleting all my old posts, I found that vent post I made all those years ago, I took a screenshot of it just to keep. It was so insane to see how far I've come but also sad to remember how I was feeling back then.

I actually cried thinking abt how I'd never be able to be my full self around someone and that I'd never have a genuine friend who I could laugh with and feel comfortable with. Whenever friends wanted to hang out or call me, I'd be nervous all day thinking about it, dreading it, basically. It was bad. But then I met @valentineee and she's honestly the first true friend I've ever had, she's my wife and I love her with all my heart‼️‼️‼️😭😭💗💗💗

So, since I met Valentine, I've finally become comfortable being who I am and I vowed to stop lying. Obviously sometimes it's inevitable, like if you have to do it because of circumstances- but other than that, I think I'm very truthful! And I'm really proud of myself for it💗

That kinda branches off to the sub-question, is all lying inherently bad? I don't think so because some people may have genuine, mental blocks or traumas that can make them feel like they need to to protect themselves. However, there are people out there who lie and take advantage of people just because they can, which is different. Overall, I think lying isn't too bad unless you are generally a trustworthy person💖

What's the worst thing a person can be?

A LIAR- no just kidding lol😭😭

Wow glitter... way to hit me with the heavy questions😭

Imo, the worst thing a person can be is immoral, inconsiderate, hurtful and evil, all on purpose. If someone does these things because they find it fun to see people suffer, that's the worst kind of person to me.

💤💤💫💫💫Dreamss💫💫💫💤💤

I used to draw meaning from my dreams to an unhealthy degree. All of you that have OCD would know that intrusions invade your dreams, I had awful dreams like this and every time I woke up, I'd be convinced I was actually a monster, dreaming of disgusting stuff. But that's not true, I was only dreaming about it because I spent EVERY. WAKING. MOMENT thinking about my intrusive thoughts, literally, I was inconsolable, I was constantly rocking back and forth or pacing or shaking my leg, every so often I'd scream and yell and twitch and my face would be pulled down in this awful grimace. It was painful, I literally can't believe I survived that. I couldn't be left alone because I was so scared and I had to sleep with my mam because the thoughts got worse when I was alone. I'm medicated now, so things are good. Intrusive thoughts will always be there but I've gotten so much better at trusting that I'm a good person🥰

Mkay... went on a whole ass vent there and bared my soul, oops-

Point being, I don’t really assign meaning to my dreams, if people do, I'm completely alright with it. I choose not to because of trauma. Also, I dont think it’s really possible to assign a definitive meaning to something as fleeting as a dream (wow am I a poet-) like, I do find it cool that a lot of ppl will dream of the same thing but I think that's just another thing that connects us, we're all human and have similar anxieties and fears.

I think I've written enough now😳😳 sorry for the angst urrrr

💗💗💗