#i'm patient and understanding; yet the slightest misstep or questionable vibe and i completely close off | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

knife-at-a-knife-fight · 2 years

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there is something so deeply human about a person character collapsing from exhaustion. And I don’t mean “lying down after a long day,” I mean that they’ve been stressed and overworked and taking care of everything and acting as if everything is okay and working so damn hard for days, or weeks, or months until they just... can’t. As someone who’s made a career out of lying real well, and who’s had to put up with more than my fair share of bullshit, there is something deeply amicable in physically being unable to lie; in the truth of the matter overwhelming the image and facade i’ve crafted. And “break down, sobbing, and tell someone everything” doesn’t scratch that itch for me, because I don’t really have a breaking point in that way - I will keep a straight face until the moment I die if i so damn well please.

I’ve been reprimanded and berated for emoting so i’ve learned not to, but it means that people have nothing to pick up on, even if my entire world is collapsing around me. So when I won’t betray myself - for better or worse - it does leave me at times to fantasise about my body refusing to allow me to continue for my own benefit. I often return to the notion of trying so desperately to maintain an individualist perspective and being forced to allow someone else to take care of you - if only briefly.

The loudest and oversimplified difference between Shakespeare’s tragedies and comedies is that in a tragedy someone dies, and in a comedy there’s a wedding. In mine, the defining question is “who picked them up off the floor? Someone else, or themself?” When you passed out on the bathroom floor, did you wake up in a bed with a blanket and a cloth pressed to your forehead, or on the same, cold tiles?

I don’t want to beg for love, I’ve tried that. As someone who’s tried so freaking hard, what i want is to be loved, even when i actively avoid seeking it. I want someone to be upset that i didn’t say something rather than apathetic. I want someone to care.

#mine #i know loving me truly and wholly is painful #it's difficult #i'm difficult #and i'm sick of people telling me i'm the best at any and everything #the things that i'm hailed as don't hold true when you look at them closely #i'm patient and understanding; yet the slightest misstep or questionable vibe and i completely close off #i'm far too comfortable lying #when you tell me 'if you can't figure it out then no one can' you aren't helping #because i haven't figured it out #and i won't #because i can't #and so you are effectively calling me hopeless #and i'm not worth anyone's time or efffort #certainly not their consideration #that's been made abundantly clear #but a lad can dream #after all of this; i won't readily let someone take care of me - i'm not trusting #but it doesn't mean i don't want to be cared for #and the only hypothetical i can see that being possible in is against my will #i want to be more than a burden or a helpful resource to someone else #the question is really quite simple; if i can't take care of myself #would someone else do it #without me having to beg and plea for it?

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