#i'm not suicidal and i don't have hallucinations and i don't think THAT highly of myself (or less even.....maybe more like neutral)

[paradoxcase]

Chapter 16 of Harrow the Ninth

That diary was probably full of evidence of Gideon's existence, so obviously it had to go. It's a shame, I would have liked to have gotten to read it

"Whilom" is an archaic word for "formerly", I guess to go with the use of "hight" in the first book in e.g. "Lord Priam hight Noniusvvianus" from the letter in Chapter 3. But I think "hight" actually has some decent recognizability (or at least it does to me, maybe mainly/only because I read Le Morte D'Arthur as a teenager), whereas I wonder how many people would actually recognize "whilom" or even parse it as an archaic word, since it frankly looks kinda goofy

I guess this is intended as a visual metaphor for "the Hand of the Emperor"? I've seen Lyctors referred to as Hands now several times, and I think once someone referred to themselves as a finger. Hands seem a little odd, since there were seven original Lyctors (or at least seven who were Saints), unless only the first two are actually considered Hands? But I think I've seen Harrow and/or Ianthe also being referred to as Hands

The narrator continues to criticize Harrow's lack of sword vocabulary. This black rapier was probably Anastasia's, I guess?

I wonder how much of Ianthe's behavior in this book is actually Naberius?

This whole conversation is very interesting. What I get out of this:

Mercy and Augustine have some shared secret from John, and it sounds like they'd both love to tattle on each other but that would mean telling on themselves too, and they absolutely hate each other but are stabilized by a threat of mutually assured destruction

Harrow isn't actually just hallucinating that Cytherea's body has been moving, or has been moved, but neither Mercy nor Augustine are doing it

Augustine thinks Mercy might be planning to tell John whatever the secret is

I'm guessing this refers to the war against BOE and not his struggles with the Resurrection Beasts, indicating that he cares about them more than he's let on to Harrow, and also has a more aggressive role in that war than he's admitted so far

Was A.L. a bodyguard? I'm curious what happened to her. I don't think he absorbed her the way Lyctors absorb their cavaliers, because he already had all of his powers before the Lyctor experiment, if I understand the timeline correctly

I know she's forgotten about Gideon, but didn't her family value her highly? I mean, they also kept reminding her, over and over again that she was 200 dead children and drove her almost to suicide, but I did get the feeling that as far as they were concerned, she was the best, and as far as I'm aware she hasn't lost the memory of that

The narrative again criticizes Harrow's unfamiliarity with swordfighting?

I gather Ianthe is still internally fighting with Naberius?

Did Anastasia have some big disagreement with them over something, and that's why she never came to the Mithraeum? Did she actually die, or is she still around somewhere else?

That's kind of interesting, Harrow's experience of deceiving people for her entire life is quite different than Ianthe's experience of deceiving people for her entire life. Harrow's deception relied on appearing stronger than she was, while Ianthe's relied on appearing weaker than she was, it's not that surprising that Ianthe gets along better with Augustine and Harrow is at more of a social disadvantage here, regardless of the fact that she's also at a necromantic disadvantage as well

So earlier, John said that people die by their souls osmosing into the River, and I wondered why that wasn't happening constantly. Is this the whole reason it doesn't happen constantly? Because Augustine specifically has built a barrier? Obviously people managed to live before Augustine was around, but is there something about living on a thanergenic planet that makes you like, I don't know, closer to the River, or something?

50,000 km in diameter is about the size of Neptune, or Uranus. So if that's meant to be unusually large, this obviously isn't the soul of Neptune or Uranus, let alone Saturn or Jupiter. If the Resurrection Beast numbers match up with the House numbers, Number Seven should be the soul of Venus. I'm not entirely sure that when Augustine says it's 50,000 km in diameter he actually means that there is a planet Venus out there that is that big, or if he's just talking about the diameter of like a swarm of ?heralds? or something, but Ianthe is assuming it's a physical planet and is worried about its gravity well, so let's see if that's actually worrying:

The mass of Neptune 1.024e26 kg, but its density is only 1.64 g/cm^3, because it's a gas giant, whereas Venus's density is 5.24 g/cm^3, over three times as much. So how massive is a planet that's as dense as Venus and as big as Neptune? Neptune's volume is 6.254e13 km^3; so 5.24 g/cm^3 is 5.24e15 g/km^3 is 5.24e12 kg/km^3, multiplied by 6.254e13 km^3 is 3.277e26 kg. But Jupiter's mass is 1.89813e27 kg, that's still like five or six times the mass of this hypothetical Venus-but-its-as-big-as-Neptune planet. I think if they can navigate around Jupiter without issues, they would not have any trouble with this hypothetical planet. It's not like they'd be dealing with something as massive as a star or a black hole, here, and I don't think it's going to be flattening any galaxies, either

I remember when John was explaining about planet souls to Harrow at the beginning of the book, it sounded like conquered planets would eventually die, but would die slowly rather than suddenly. So, I guess sending down the Cohort to kill a lot of people just starts the process of the planet dying, just basically a slower method of how Harrow killed the planet? So it's not just that they're killing people to fuel the necromancers, but actually the whole planet, too. I don't think Harrow's all that unique, it sounds like every necromancer in this universe is also 200 dead children

Ok, so this is all going to be eusocial insect hivemind terminology, then

Is this is the narrator finding Harrow irritating?

Right, so this is why they need to be able to fight

I think this kind of contradicts stuff from earlier? If Lyctors projecting their souls in the River can't be hurt by the ghosts, and the Resurrection Beast is projecting its soul there the same way, then it also shouldn't be able to be hurt by the ghosts, and also, he's saying that the ghosts don't go near the Resurrection Beasts anyway. But previously, we learned that Cassiopeia tried to bait a Resurrection Beast deeper into the River so it would get attacked by ghosts, and she herself was also attacked by the ghosts and died. So can they, or can't they be harmed by the ghosts in this scenario?

[ficfanatictrf]

Ricky Montgomery - Line Without a Hook

After listening to his other songs (again) and now having extreme brain rot again for this song (...again)

I wanted to post a little something about this song.

When playing this song, I am not thinking of a person that I am 'a wreck without' but my own sense of self, my own heart, my individuality.

Triggers below: Reference to many trigging things. Self-harm, abuse, ect.

The last SERIOUS relationship I was in, was literally 10 years ago. And I gave EVERYTHING of myself to this relationship. - Physical Health (anorexia, compulsive exercise [sometimes I would find myself unable to sleep, so I would do P90X and Insanity work outs to try and wear myself down to get to sleep....after a full day of military work and PT training...], cutting, and burning) - Mental Health (Depression and anxiety skyrocketed, I was pressured into get as close to sex as possible without actually having sex [hand jobs, thigh jobs, make outs in the shower while he rubbed one out, had him go down on me...which hurt and was terrifying for me), suicide attempt, was starting to hallucinate. I broke my morals (he was married and with a 2 year old son....and being the naïve idiot I was at the time, I believed him when he convinced me that because we 'weren't having penetrative sex that it wasn't cheating' - had a whole break down about this afterword) - My military career (I left as soon as I could - even when I had no idea what I wanted to do at the time) - My family (it nearly broke my family relationship with me. It took me YEARS and multiple therapists before I could talk to them about everything that happened when I was away. How it affected me.) - My friendships (I don't talk to anyone, except one person, that knew me before I was 18)

--------

I end this just to say that this song matters a great deal to me.

I don't really give a damn about the way you touch me When we're alone You can hold my hand If no one's home The whole cheating aspect of our relationship. Because in the military you can be dishonorably discharged if they catch you cheating, our relationship was hidden.

Do you like it when I'm away? If I went and hurt my body, baby Would you love me the same? I started, keyword started, self-harming as a desperate attempt to keep his attention. He only really seemed to care when he could be 'the hero'. So I started it when he started pulling away....to then later find out that I couldn't stop for a very long time.

I can feel all my bones coming back And I'm craving motion The fact that I started feeling like I could do things again. Looking back I think it took me nearly 2-3 years to start having a desire to do anything. Mama never really learns how to live by herself It's a curse And it's growing You're a pond and I'm an ocean A feeling I have a lot. Later finding out from a therapist that I am a 'Highly Sensitive Person' as well as a person with ADHD, Misophonia, ect. Constantly it felt like I was feeling an ocean's worth of emotions compared to someone else who was feeling a pond's worth.

Oh, all my emotions Feel like explosions when you are around And I've found a way to kill the sounds, oh Honestly, for years I drowned out all thoughts and feelings about that time. Using anything to keep that time period out of my mind.

Oh, baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you I need you here to stay I broke all my bones that day I found you Crying at the lake Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden? Oh, and if I could take it all back I swear that I would pull you from the tide Spoken directly to my heart. I am a wreck when I give my heart away and I am a wreck when I am without it. And from now on, it will stay with me. And that I apologize to myself for insulting my heart. For calling it too sensitive, a cry baby, ect. That I apologize for calling myself 'weak' for having emotions for years after the relationship.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa I said no (I said no), I said no (I said no) Listen close, it's a no The wind is a-pounding on my back And I found hope in a heart attack Oh at last, it is past Now I've got it, and you can't have it Pretty clear. No, I will not give my heart away anytime soon. No matter how much the wind (society) pressures me to 'find the one', to go out and date.

Darling, when I'm fast asleep I've seen this person watching me Saying, "Is it worth it? Is it worth it? Tell me, is it worth it?" Oh Honestly, something I still wrestle with. Is it worth it going through the dating and break-ups in the hopes of finding love? Guess there is something, and there is nothing There is nothing in between And in my eyes, there is a tiny dancer Watching over me, he's singing "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a boy" He's singing, "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a line without a hook" A horrible way to think of it...but it how I sometimes see it. That the relationship broke my line, that now I am just a line without a hook. That because a key part of me broke during that time- I can't 'catch' love anymore.

[zmayadw]

I'll see you again, my love

Duskwood Oneshot

Genre: Angst/Dark (not a happy end, consider yourself warned!)

Character: Jake

Words: 809

A/N: The inspiration for this came from the song 'Wrecked' by Imagine Dragons (you don't need to listen to the song while you read this, but I highly recomed to listen to it at some point if you haven't heard it yet, it's really great, and as you will notice that I used some of the songs lyrics before certain paragraphs). As always, don't mind any mistakes, and I hope you'll like it.

WARNING: mention of emotional/mental breakdown, hallucination, suicide, and maybe some other I forgot to mention

'Days pass by and my eyes stay dry, and I think that I'm ok...'

'I'll see you again...' The words echoing inside his mind jerked Jake awake, the sound of thunder amplifying their already maddening effect on him. Another loud thunder boomed through his room, merging with the anguished scream leaving his throat, as he rushed from his bed out to the balcony. His face was wet, but not from tears, his tears dried out long ago.

These days I'm becoming everything that I hate

Wishing you were around but now it's too late

My mind is a place that I can't escape your ghost...'

The harsh rain poured all over him, but he didn't care, he didn't feel anything anymore. He beacme a walking corpse, barely surviving through the days. The image of her eyes slowly losing their light, her trembling voice speaking her last words to him, holding her lifeless body... Her image haunted him for so long, especially his dreams. But lately, he began to see her everywhere, even when awake. Her ghostly image would appear to him out of thin air, and at first he was freaked out by it, but he longed so much for her, that those ghostly appearances became a welcoming sight for him.

She would appear to him, her face glowing with the smile he so much loved to see on her, extending her hands towards him, the words leaving her ghostly lips sounding like the most beautiful melody he ever heard. I'll see you again my love... But each time his hands would reach for her, her ghostly image would disperse, leaving him alone with his pain again.

'Oh, I'm a wreck without you here

Yeah I'm a wreck since you've been gone...'

When the truth of Hannah's ill fate was finaly learned, he was devastated. He blamed himself for not doing more, for not being quicker with his investigation, and that Hannah's death was on him. She was there for him then, pulling him out from that dark place. He found peace in her warm embrace, her soothing words guiding him back into the light, and her soft kiss silencing the demons inside his mind. But this time, he was alone. There was no one there to help fight those demons off, pulling him faster and deeper back into that darkness. He missed her excessively, not a day passing without him wishing he could see her again.

They say that the time will heal it, the pain will go away...

Almost two years passed, and so often he heard 'time heals all wounds', but for him there was no measurable amount of time that would need to pass to even loosen any of his pain at all. Just the thought of having to spend one more day without her weighed heavy on him, the agony of her death becoming too much to bare with. He was maddening from the desire to be with her again, that madneess bringing him on the brink of the edge.

'I'll see you again, my loved one...'

Lightning flashed across the dark sky illuminating Jake's wet and defeated features. Another loud thunder roared, but those demons inside his mind screamed even louder, he weakly remarked the sound of it. And then he felt it - a barely noticeable shift in the air, making him slowly raise his head, his gaze intensely searching through the darkness surrounding him.

Everything stopped around him and his eyes sparkled at the sight of her. Her ghostly image instantly silenced the sound of a storm around him, his demons falling to oblivion within seconds of her appearance. Like every time, her presence brought such an inviting serenity to him, he no longer wanted to feel any other way. He was tired, tired from sadness and all the pain he felt, tired from the longing and the anguished screams in the middle of the night – he was tired from it all.

Without another thought he climbed over the railing not taking his eyes off her. Her ghostly image smiled at him as always, her words that haunted his dreams all this time once again echoed in his mind - I'll se you again, my love. But this time those words didn't cause him even more pain, no. This time, he welcomed them like an old friend, with a smile on his face and ease in his heart.

She once again held out her hands to him, and he closed his eyes, images of past time with her flashing before them. „See you soon, my love.“ he spoke the words into the darkness, the tranquillity he began to feel with saying them only increased his smile.

With those words uttered he pushed himself from the railing, as a lightning exploded across the dark sky and her ghostly image dissipating for the last time.

[mathieubellamont]

As a Hirrus Clutumnus stan I got to hear your 2 pieces on him. Also, as a mentally ill person, what are your thoughts on Shivering Isles? (There are parts I rlly vibe with but I understand a lot of it is played for laughs, and I've never had psychosis so idk how people who experience that feel about it. i can only see it from a depression/anxiety/ocd lense)

ooooooooo youre bringing in the REAL good questions here

Heads up for mentions of suicide and assisted suicide, oh and spoilers for an old as fuck game

So, for a long but necessary background, because if Im gonna talk on this i need to be explicit where I'm coming from regarding it, I have StPD AKA diagnosed shivering isles resident at psychiatrist disorder. That for me includes delusions and a lot of paranoia, perceptual hallucinations, magical thinking, highly spiritual angle to life... actually ironic this question comes in now bc my deity has been like. get into and talk about madness for a few days now. take that as an example if you want, including a lot of reading of signs and stuff. basically. talking to things that most people dont think can talk, eccentricity in thought processes and dress and speaking, issues speaking outloud bc words and sentences get jumbled/etc, and connecting the dots between things that aren't related (eg "if I turn this light on the grass outside will stop growing and the farmer will get mad"). Its... also relevant to answering this in a different way to say that Im autistic so... I kinda struggle with discerning the intent behind creating the Isles (like, as you said, being played for laughs) vs the homely feeling I personally get from it.

So yeah, tldr i fucking FEEL the isles, and i may not be the best at interpreting them right

On to the answer (under read more only bc its long)

Hirrus:

Oh man, seriously, as someone whos struggled with depression for a long ass time and..... relevant feelings...... I LOVE how brutally honestly Hirrus is approached. Actually that tends to be one of my favourite parts of how the Isles are approached in general, in that they don't shy away from the brutality of mental illness. Its not just "haha funny goofy land" its "bunch of people brought together by Issues" Like... I know the brutality is probably to show that Sheogorath is a DAEDRIC PRINCE not to be taken lightly (although i am SURE there were a lot of people struggling w mental issues on the Isles dev team who wanted to depict it like this for the sake of realism) but like... Mental illness as Im sure you get as a Hirrus Stan is not just quirky little things but something that devastates lives. It doesnt JUST do that but ill get to that in the overall isles opinion. I think no matter whether the developers are mentally ill or not, if theyre going to approach these topics there needs to be a level of "yep this is fucked up" - in a VERY specific way though. If Hirrus was played in a way that was about the HoK's horRor and suFferINg meeting Hirrus id be like. ew. but since youre literally just meeting someone going through SHIT in a fantasy world.... Oh, the fantasy world bit is super relevant. I think id have some issues with it if it was in our world - the whole hill of suicides thing is absolutely extremely relevant imo as to why this is not just acceptable but a great bit of storytelling. "The real world is dark and dangerous, help someone kill themselves"= dangerous DANGEROUS thing to put in a story. "Im going to show you how fucked up this fantasy world is, and its so fucked up that it turns helping someone kill themselves into a merciful and good bit of storytelling"= good. i like that. The way its implemented is really good storytelling IMO.

On the Isles themselves:

I think it boils down to... Theres a fine line to be walked when talking about mental illness, and even if its played for laughs, they still did it right. Well, i mean. For an old game.

Tbh?? I dont think mental illness, as i touched upon above, is just about devastation and loss and struggles, its also like.... A fantastic thing. I dont have a love-hate relationship w my StPD but a love-....babysit. relationship. Some days its awful like when im convinced bad triggering shit i wont mention is about to happen, somedays my perceptual hallucinations kick in and the world is suddenly oversaturated colours and burningly hi definition, somedays it really helps with grounded things in that i tend to be creative bc i can see reality in weird ways, or it helps (SOMETIMES) with divination and whatnot. But its always something less of a horror assigned to me and more of a confused seriously sight-impaired clone who cant see the world properly and i have to guide them around - StPD comes in between me and my ability to perceive the world around me. The whole display of the divided isles is, yes, a litttlleeee outdated bc i think its meant to partially reference bipolar disorder which, kinda gross thing to do but i guess understandable if you know fuck all about not insulting mentally ill people, and using words like dementia as an aesthetic is a little off-putting, but its so.... homely to have this stark acceptance that illness is a huge consuming SWAMP of a fuckin thing, twisted and dangerous, but also fantastical, inviting, super/post-real.... Mania is my fucking favourite area bc yeah. it approaches what life feels like when the good StPD Issues kick in. This divide also really shows how StPD and similar illnesses work, but colouring (pun intended given the colour schemes) your world view, and turning everyday things (trees, animals) into horrific, desolate things - or weird, beautiful, fantastical things because thats what it FEELS like. plus i think just because some of the devs intended to make this world in reference to a few things, doesnt mean the end product isnt an accurate portrayal of other things. Just because im sure some were like "oo lets use bipolar/dementia/etc for aesthetics" and got it wrong, doesnt mean its not an accurate depiction of other unrelated mental illnesses.

Thats a little subjective but.... on a different note. I think a HUGE thing that makes the Isles work for being a good/palatable depiction as opposed to a bad one is the fact that the Hero BECOMES SHEOGORATH. and the whole questline leading up where you BECOME a member of the isles and really get to know them is..... Is so so paramount to how this Works so it isnt just some zoo you stroll around. Youre either With the Isles AND their population or..... the questline isnt for you. Another HUGE thing is the fact that everyone just......... ugh how do i put this bc of course theres conflict between characters in the isles..... But it just feels like home having StPD where theres this place that everyone has their own thing going on and no one really condemns them for it, not in the way real life does, like. Ah. I guess id say it like: itd be boring as shit if every character was like "oh my GOD everyone around me is CRAZYYYY not ME though" like.... when you have groups of friends that are all Mentally Ill Luv x you can sort of relax and all be your own various shades of the rainbow you know?? Real life tends to see me have to train myself to act normal and not display illness symptoms bc im the odd one out for some reason. The Isles is..... So you know that study done showing how autistics struggle socially with non autistics but can get along fine together? Yeah reminds me of that, where NTs will condemn and belittle and other everyone with serious mental illness - and so if youre a NT youd think that NDs would do the same, just like non autistics think autistics couldnt communicate together - but it takes a level of insight into this to understand in a lot of our friend groups we.... dont fall apart, we actually start to understand each other as similar in different ways. We find other ways to have cohesive social groups without all being in touch with the same version of reality. Whether the devs meant the isles as thought out like that or "haha imagine people being sooooo crazy they dont even know other people are crazy" well, we wont know, but again - an inaccurate attempt to portray one thing can turn into an accurate way to portray another.

Plus, honestly.... There comes a point where, like the whole "theres no ethical consumption under capitalism" thing, I think it matters less the devs intentions and more how the consumer consumes it. If youre NT and like it? I think the issue is when its "haha weird ass crazy people funny, im so glad im not these dudes hey look at how stupid they are", but if youre approaching it like "damn this is a wacky place where people have some serious issues and im going to enjoy the storyline and the humour without treating it like a digital freak show" then i mean.... Idk. Not sure on that angle logically but I do know I dont have that jugdmental reaction to people enjoying it when they arent like the people depicted in the isles

Tldr: I like it. Its either well thought out or a bunch of happy accidents. I think that we can all argue/debate on the intent behind it? Which, if this was created by one singular person, would be EXTREMELY relevant, but since its a whooooole dev team IMO the individual intents matter a little less than the end product as an independent thing. And because of that, the fact that it feels so much like home to people like me, and because yes, it may be played for laughs, but a lot of it (Hirrus for one great example) really is not meant to be funny, and because youre MEANT to become a part of it (and therefore see these people as YOUR people), i think........ Its perfectly alright to really appreciate the isles and enjoy its depiction of people like me - i mean... Lets be honest here.... If it was inaccurate, you wouldnt have as many people on the schizospec and psychotic spec being like damn we love this as we do have