#i'm not ready i'm not prepared i'm not mentally stable enough to handle this

[kitmoss]

literally so unwell about Joel in s10 what if him and Etho builds near each other. what if we get a consistent stream of boat boys crumbs. i'm going to be sick

[shock]

This is a Moonshine update/future service dog diary post. To make a long, frankly somewhat traumatizing story short; Moonshine and I didn’t get along. I thought I was ready for a herding dog, and in a way I was ready for a normal, stable one. Moonshine turned out to not be the case. So many of his behaviors triggered me daily, and what I was used to being red flags with Knockout’s brain condition and quick mental deterioration were honestly day-to-day struggles with him. He was reactive, turning fearful despite so much confidence building, abnormally insecure, dog aggressive, people aggressive, and turning cat aggressive despite all the work on our part to set him up for success. I'm putting the rest under a cut because it gets kind of long and I don't want to flood everyone's dash with this story if they don't want to read it. There are content warnings in the tags.

'We didn’t get along' is definitely an understatement. My training with him ended up turning into a conflict of interest; he tried mauling my other dog unprovoked, and after that I didn’t feel comfortable working with him. Naturally, this caused his outbursts to get worse, because dogs KNOW when you’re acting different around them, and every interaction I had with him was stressful for both of us. His aggression, despite intervention and training, turned worse the bigger he got and the more he realized he could bully my dog who was smaller than him as well as the other animals who lived peacefully in the house until this. For a quick snapshot, breaking up one fight caused by his arbitrary decision that my dog could not share our bed with him led to my partner being bit far worse than breaking skin. The same day after a lot of decompression and reintroductions, he went after Piper again by crossing the room, jumping onto the bed and attacking her while she was sleeping. I intervened, and he mauled my wrist. I almost went to the hospital, but we were able to treat at home. I have a pretty gnarly scar now. Here are some pictures of the initial bite and several weeks later.

He wasn’t good for our family. Once the first fight broke out, they increased in occurrence dramatically to a point beyond normal, and to a point none of us could happily live with, especially him. He seemed to forget everything we taught him to act with explosive anger at the slightest insult, and where he once happily coexisted with our cat he started trying to attack him, even growling at him from across the room for being in the same room as him. We ended up working with a local professional group who took him off our hands and is working with him, so I have no doubt they’ll be able to help him learn to manage his issues without me being terrified for his, mine, and my other pets’ safety. It had a good ending for us, but it was a sad one. He has a bite record and a willingness to break skin far beyond all the normal herder behaviors we were able to work with him on. He would go into a blind, inconsolable rage at least once a day at random. I was back to the same way I was in the months leading up to Knockout's euthanisation; I was afraid to walk him, play with him, engage with him, go anywhere, do anything, breathe, move, because he might react to anything, even things he knew were safe. It wasn't fair for either of us. He quickly learned not to bite heels or hands in play or with normal herding behavior, he was wonderfully crate trained and housebroken, he was making great strides with obedience, sweet as can be until the second he snapped without warning. I did a lot of work with him, my partner did a lot of work with him, and I’m glad I know enough about dogs now to know when I’m at my limit and when a dog is beyond me. He’s good, he’s honestly probably a lot less stressed right now, and has a group that’s fully prepared and willing to handle him moving forward, and if they can't find a way to make improvements, they know how to make the best decision for him. I trust them. I’ve kept this quiet for a little while now because after experiencing Knockout, all of this was really hard on me and I needed time to heal (unfortunately literally) and to find the right way to word what I felt. Despite Piper and our other animals being so stable, happy, healthy, and workable, I felt that there was something inherently wrong with me again; there isn’t. It was a combination of factors outside of my control and an understanding of my own limits and when I needed to step away. With Knockout, I tried desperately far past my breaking point. I spent thousands of dollars and countless hours trying to fix something that ended up being out of my control until her quality of life just wasn’t worth it for her anymore. I never stopped trying with her until the moment it hit that she would never improve. This felt so much different, more peaceful, more kind, and I feel responsible and satisfied with the outcome here. I don't believe he's an un-salvagable dog, but he needs some serious behavioral work that I can’t emotionally do again to be fit for any family, especially one with other animals. I wanted to make a post about it before anyone started asking where he went; he’s okay! Just not part of our family anymore and in need of a lot of help that was beyond our ability. My experience with Knockout taught me that no matter how much you love an animal, no matter how hard you work, love and dedication aren't the only components to happiness. A combination of genetics, behavioral inclinations, sensitivity, and something I'm not even sure of neurologically went into this, and love can't save everything. When a dog doesn't work with your family, if you can't all coexist peacefully and happily, you don't have to stick with it until you're exhausted and past your limit. If he can get better, there's a home that will work more harmoniously for him than mine. There's such a stigma around rehoming, but when you do it responsibly and with as much love and dedication as you can possibly put into it, that's just a fact of life. It took me a very, very long time to make the decision I made with Knockout, and so many of you were around for the

process and got me through a situation that was ten times worse. Knockout was an extreme case. I doubt I'll ever have a dog that spontaneously develops symptoms of early-onset dementia again, because it was an anomaly and I got very, very unlucky despite my love. Moonshine was much different; partly herder-typical behavior, partly something far beyond that none of us could fix. We tried. That situation prepared me to focus on what's best for everyone involved, including Moonshine, in a way that didn't have to end badly. It's sad, and it was hard, and when he was good he was so good, but he couldn't stay with us after he tried to kill my dog, point blank. I've learned enough about myself now to know that I'm not a failure, that learning how to do this right is a process, and that there is no shame in knowing when to draw the line on what you're willing and able to handle. We set Moonshine up for success as much as we possibly could, and I learned a lot from him. If he does end up going to a new home after a lot of behavioral help, his new owners will be so thankful that we did as much work with him as we did. I just wish with all of my heart that he was stable, and that living with him didn't make me feel the way Knockout felt all over again (to a lesser but no less serious extent). This leads me to the exciting thing to come out of this. I've worked with trainers, some happen to be very close friends, throughout this process. Part of my growth here meant really inspecting what I needed in a dog again. This past year has been incredibly hard on my mental health, and while I’ve handled my emotions on my own to varying degrees of success ranging from 'I almost died' to 'I'm finally independent in a way I never could be before and it's scary and amazing at the same time', I’m finally ready for a service dog again. To admit that that's what I need next, not another project dog and not another working dog for anything else. Now that I have a stable, secure job, I’m planning on getting a prospect next spring/summer... a golden retriever! I’ve been contacting breeders and preparing, and everyone in my life is wonderfully supportive of my decision and my acknowledgment of the kind of help I need that can’t be done with medication, therapy, or good old human friendship/support. Knockout was a tremendous service dog when she was healthy. I need a biddable, handler-focused, eager to please dog who doesn't butt heads with my family or me and who wants to get along with every creature under the sun, and is big enough to help me with some physical issues that are cropping up the older I get. I'll probably make more posts about that in the future, but I wanted to address Moonshine first so everyone knew what happened and could maybe learn something from my experience. I'm really excited to move past this with confidence and support from the people I love in my life. So many changes are coming this year and I'm so, so ready for them. I appreciate everyone's kindness, compassion, and understanding. <3

[finallyrecoveringforgood]

TW family issues?

talked to my mother and sister

such a weird thing to do

how do families work, how are you supposed to talk to your mother, what the fuck is appropriate behaviour?

after some involuntary hospital and mental institution stays when i was 14, i barely had any contact to them at all because i was put into a group home (a good thing). it's like. boom hi i'm an adult now and i learned how to handle my life. i'm still a fucking mess but i learned how to function and not let it show mostly. no i do not depend on you, sorry mom. yes, you were emotionally abusive and you hurt me, but it wasn't entirely your fault and you put an effort into getting better when i was gone. i can see this now and forgive you i guess, but i can't forget and it messed me up. in the beginning i was just a kid but i definitely did some stupid shit as well. now what? how do we treat each other, what the fuck is all this? i don't know I DON'T KNOW

actually i feel so disconnected and i have lost every need to be in contact with them

we are taking baby steps towards talking sometimes

WHY does it mess me up so deeply? memories, okay, it brings up memories. another me in another life and many years ago. my little lister, the child i knew, she's ... a teenager now. i wanna stay as far away from her as possible so i cannot hurt her, at the same time it is too late. sure i was a child, back when i was 12-13 and i fell into this stupid selfharm and ED hole, but just like my mother i was toxic. terrible. i am not that person anymore but it eats me up on the inside

most of the time i don't even think about them, when i do it comes with so much confusion and dull pain. my past with this family seems very surreal. i either remember sunshine and cool hikes or screaming and angry voices and FEAR. black or white. or nothing

it keeps hitting me again and again and AGAIN and i have no idea what to do. i wanna avoid them but i feel guilty. i wanna belong somewhere but they feel like strangers. i wanna work through this but how? maybe i need therapy again, but all these experiences i made with therapy ... it's hard. i wasn't ready then, maybe i am now (or as ready as one can be), or maybe i'm not ready but i have to do it in order to heal and be okay. i'm writing so much, it's like self-therapy, just ... maybe not enough. i cannot handle myself like this forever. my black and white thinking, the mood swings, panic attacks, inability to trust or love anyone. at some point i push everyone away, even though i do not want to

all this lays underneath, so maybe i can never get over it until i come clean with my past a bit? the whole morning i spent worrying about breakfast and how my jacket suited my body, no fucking joke, instead of thinking about this thing with my mother and sister. i ate and i talked myself through breakfast and getting ready, trying to address the real issue as well and calm down, like one should. but literally fuck this shit. i'm gonna continue to nourish my body and take care of myself, as well as i can, it's all i can do at this point. at least i get to work tomorrow, for that i am as thankful as ever. fresh air and work with my dear animals, also simple and repetitive tasks like preparing food for them and cleaning/tidying the stables. may it clear my head and calm my soul

anyway have some cute pictures i took a while ago, i'm done being ashamed of my face and hiding all the time, and maybe my cute furries can light up your mood as well and make you smile