#i'm not numb anymore and that means everything is so painful and uncomfortable and ow !!!!!

[hikeyzz]

going out to a two hour dinner with family means breaking down sobbing as soon as i get home because it was so loud and busy and crowded it was so overwhelming and my body hurts so bad and everyone treats me like a freak when i have any emotion besides glee and it was all just so much it was way too much for me to comfortably handle and every sob hurts my body more and more and i just am so tired, i'm so tired

[confusedhalfofthetime]

It’s late (Brian May x Reader)

Hello darlings, I hope you enjoy this little thing I wrote for you. I’ve just been obsessed with It’s late lately and I thought I’d give it a shot and write something about it. Let me know what you think!

Warnings: angst, cheating, language

Note: I absolutely do not justify cheating and find it vile but I’m aware of the fact that I romanticized it as this is just a work of imagination.

  Your luggage had never felt so heavy in your hands. You tried to walk faster toward the high building a few meters from you, but you felt miles and miles away nonetheless.

When you finally reached the entrance, you pushed the door open and got inside. The lobby was as formal as the rest of the huge hotel, with a shining white floor and red sofas that seemed incredibly soft only by looking at them. A room in that hotel took away a lot of your money but it would be worth it. You were there to surprise Brian. Tonight would take place the last concert of their tour and you wouldn't lose it for anything in the world.

You registered in the lobby and were helped to take your luggage in your room. Your room wasn't the biggest but it had a fantastic view of Central Park, where the stage for the concert was being built. Besides, you didn't care at all. You could have had booked a closet and it'd have been more than fine. You were excited to see Brian and the boys. You could feel your hands shaking slightly as you got out of your room without even unpacking your suitcases. You couldn't wait anymore.

Brian had told you the number of his room when you talked on the phone.

-It's the number 2d. It's one of the largest rooms in the hotel!- he had told you excitedly. -Not the largest though, Freddie wanted that one, of course-

You spotted the door with the golden target a few steps away from you. You smiled and started to walk faster, already savouring the feeling of his lips on yours.

At that moment, the door opened and a blond haired girl walked out. She seemed rather upset. You slowed your pace, startled. You had never seen her before, she wasn't part of the Queen staff. She glanced at you, quickly scanning you up and down before averting her gaze. The sound of her high heels on the corridor echoed loudly. You kept walking, telling yourself she must have been part of the hotel staff. You knew she couldn't be, or she would have had a uniform. But when you arrived in front of the door, you smiled all the same. You were about to see Brian after seven long months, that girl would soon leave your thoughts. You knocked on the door and waited eagerly. You could see Brian's steps approaching and your smile grew wider.

-Marlene, please just...- you heard him say before he opened the door. His expression changed in a second. You could see every possible emotion crossing his face. Surprise, panic, fear and something else you couldn't decipher. All but the pure joy you expected.

-Y/N...- he said slowly.

You had imagined your reunion many times. In your imagination, he would open the door with wide eyes and an even wider smile. He would hug you tightly, pick you up from the ground and kiss you enthusiastically, like in those movies full of clichès you hated so much.

Instead, he just stood there, like he was frozen.

-Hi- you said with an unsure smile.

-Uhm...surprise?- and with that, he threw his arms around you. It didn't feel like your usual hugs, warm and comforting, it felt...sad. Like he was using it to hide his face. You didn't like how it made you feel. You hugged him back anyway, caressing his back uncertainly.

-Hey...- you whispered.

He pulled back and smiled at you bitterly. It wasn't one of his usual smiles. Shy, small but that reached his eyes or toothy, joyful, giggly.

It made him look tired, highlighting the bags under his eyes.

-I'm sorry, I...come in- he said moving away from the door.

You did as he asked and looked around. It was a way bigger room than yours, with anything someone might or might not need and large windows that looked upon the city.

-It's beautiful here, I hope you didn't get too used to it- you said turning toward him.

He smiled weakly.

-It is indeed, but...it isn't London-

You nodded, feeling uncomfortable. Maybe he didn't want you there, maybe he felt like you weren't leaving him space. Maybe you should have waited one more day, why didn't you just wait for him to come back? You felt like that clingy girlfriend you promised yourself to never be.

-Look, Brian, I'm sorry. I thought this was a good idea, I just wanted to surprise you I guess- you apologized, feeling like you needed to.

-Wha-? No, no it's okay, it's more than okay I-I'm happy to see you, really- he started to stutter.

-Are you?-

Brian stopped in his track and looked at you with an expression that made you feel cold inside.

-Brian...- you said taking a step toward him, but he looked down.

-Brian, please tell me what's wrong- you pleaded, getting closer.

Still no answer. You placed your hand on his arm.

-Bri?-

-Don't call me that- he said in a low whisper you barely heard, looking up at you and shaking his head.

You felt your heart skipping a beat.

-You're scaring me-

Brian put his hands in his hair and walked toward the bed, sitting on the edge of it.

You turned toward him but didn't move, too afraid to do so.

Seconds of silence passed and you could feel the tension rising, the seconds scanned by the beats of your heart, getting faster and faster. Until you couldn't take it anymore.

-Brian, I need you to tell me what is going...-

-I cheated on you-

You didn't feel your heartbeat anymore. You became numb before feeling your eyes get filled with tears. Brian kept staring at you with the most painful expression you had ever seen on his face. You hated it. You wanted him to smile, always and you hated yourself for thinking that because he had cheated on you and you couldn't wrap your head around it.

-What did you say?- it was a stupid question, but you couldn't believe what you had just heard. It was literally impossible.

-Please...don't make me say that again- he lowered his head again. He was ashamed, that much was clear.

You took your time, trying to process it all. It was one simple information, but it was too much.

-Say something- he pleaded you but you remained silent. You were too focused on trying not to cry in front of him.

-Y/n...please I...-

-You...cheated on me- you said out loud like you were trying to let it sink in.

Brian bit his lip. -I'm so sorry-

You shook your head. -You cheated on me...and you're sorry...-

It was surreal. You never thought you would hear those words from him.

-I...-

-Why?-

You didn't mean to make a scene. To scream and cry and run away without letting him explain.

-I don't know- he said after a few seconds of silence.

You snorted. -Come on Brian I'm not an idiot, you owe me an explanation! Was it me? Did you get tired of me?-

-No! Of course not, I...- he rubbed his face and sighed heavily.

-I felt alone-

You blinked. -You felt...alone?-

-I know, it's no excuse, but seven months without you made me feel...empty-

-So you decided to have a go with another girl to entertain yourself? That makes sense-

-I'm so sorry-

-You keep saying that- you chuckled bitterly and looked up to stop the tears before it was too late. You wouldn't let yourself cry in front of him.

-I felt alone too, you know? Seven months without you felt like ages. But I waited. I waited, I waited and I waited but never, not once, did I think about someone else-

You started to feel angry, as the realization of what it all meant sank in. Brian got up from the bed.

-Y/n I know I fucked up and I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but please listen to me-

You couldn't even bring yourself to look at him in the eyes.

-I was with someone else, but I swear to you, it meant nothing. Nothing at all-

You shook your head but he kept talking.

-I missed you every second of every day, I felt like shit I'm...God, I'm so sorry, please believe me when I tell you...if I could, I'd get back in time and...-

-But you can't- you stopped him. -You can't. And I don't think I can trust you anymore-

You could see the dread on Brian's face.

-Y/n please...- he tried to touch you but you stepped away, raising your hands.

-Don't- you looked at him once more, before turning your back at him and getting out of the door, hearing Brian calling your name. Only when you locked the door of your room did you let yourself break down.

 The night was almost over and the cruel light of the day was starting to filter through the curtains.

-Do you really have to go?- You dared to speak slowly, in a tiny whisper, too afraid to burst the bubble you were in, where the time had stopped.

Of course, you already knew the answer.

Brian held you closer to him, resting his chin on the top of your head.

-You know I have to- he replied, as quietly as you did.

You stayed silent for a little more, slowly moving your finger over his chest.

-I'll miss you,- you muttered. -A lot-

He knew. And he smiled. You couldn't see his face but you knew he did, he always smiled when you said things like that.

-I'll miss you too-

You knew. And you felt your throat tightening. Seven months felt like an eternity, he had never been away that much. You would have followed him without hesitations but you couldn't leave everything and go to America with him. And he couldn't stay. Of course, he couldn't. It was his job now and you were so happy for him. But seven months was a very, very long time.

-I'll write to you every single day. I promise you, I'll become annoying- he said stroking your side slowly.

-Please do- you said. As the seconds passed you felt the little bubble becoming smaller and smaller.

-Hey- he whispered to get your attention. You looked up at him reluctantly, already missing his steady heartbeat under you.

-I'll be back before you know it- he looked at you with those deep, gentle eyes of his. He always locked your gazes when he promised you something, to let you know he meant every word.

-You can't be sure-

He moved a lock of your hair from your face.

-I can. Remember, time is relative. It's just a construct of our minds-

You rolled your eyes at his words.

-Sure thing, Doctor Brian May- you said with a mocking smile.

-No, I'm serious- he talked back, caressing your cheek.

-One day-

You raised an eyebrow.

-It's gonna be just one day-

You chuckled. -I don't think so-

-Just one day- he insisted. -One more day, and I'll be back home-

You looked at him, his eyes were determined. You looked down and then up at him again, nodding.

-Alright-

Brian smiled and kissed your forehead.

-I love you-

You kissed his lips.

-I love you more-

 Maybe, you really did love him more than he loved you. That day seemed so far now, while you were sitting on the red armchair next to the large window of your room. You could see people walking on the streets, going on with their lives while you felt like yours had stopped.

You couldn't feel anything anymore and you were sure you had cried all the tears you had in your body.

Right then, you felt someone knocking at your door. You stayed still, thinking it was Brian but a voice proved you wrong.

-Darling? It's me, Freddie-

You closed your eyes, deciding whether to open or not.

-Will you let me in please?-

After a few more seconds you got up and went to open the door. Your eyes were red and puffy and you probably looked like shit but you couldn't care less.

When you opened the door, you found Freddie smiling slightly at you.

-Hello, darling-

-Hi-

-Can I come in?-

You didn't really feel like talking but moved anyway.

-Well, I had hoped to see you again in a happier circumstance- he said sitting on your bed and patting on the empty spot next to him. You set down.

-Brian told you I was here didn't he?-

He nodded.

-Well before you start defending him, know that I mean to take the first plane home...-

-Oh no, darling, I'm not gonna do anything like that-

You looked at him with a puzzled expression.

-What Brian did was unforgivable but I can't really judge, can I?- he said smiling. -I'm not going to defend him or try to make you change your mind. It is between you two. But I think you should do what you came here to do-

You stayed in silence, confused.

-Come to the concert tonight-

-Why should I do that?-

Freddie shrugged. -Because our music is the best and you love rock concerts-

You chuckled briefly, which you didn't think was possible after what happened. You were feeling immensely grateful to have Freddie there with you.

-I'll give that a thought- you said looking down at your hands.

-Come here- he said hugging you tightly. You let your body relax into his embrace. -Thank you...- you muttered against his shoulder.

-Don't even mention it, dear-

When Freddie left you decided to take a shower to try and relax. You didn't mean to go to the concert, you wanted to leave, to go home and lock the whole world out but going home meant finding an empty flat, an empty bed, Brian's smell on every surface and his clothes in the wardrobe. Every little thing would remind you of him. You couldn't run away though, where else would you go? You only wanted to disappear. So you decided to get ready and go have a walk to clear your head.

New York was beautiful. You had always wanted to visit it but you never managed to find the time or the motivation or the courage. But unfortunately, the circumstances made the crowded streets and the suggestive views seem colourless. You hated to feel like that. So emotional, so vulnerable but you couldn't help it. After walking for what could have been either ten minutes or two hours, you found yourself in a bar, sitting at the counter and ordering 'something strong'.

You had never really been a good drinker, so it didn't take much for you to feel your head spinning. You weren't completely wasted but that drink, one too much, made you realize you didn't give a damn anymore. Brian had cheated on you, you were now alone in a city you had never been in before, slightly drunk and you didn't even know where and when were you exactly. So screw it, you would go to that concert. "Who cares?" You thought. It's not like he would see you. Of course, you had bought yourself a ticket right when you decided to come and surprise your now ex-boyfriend. It was a good place, almost in front of the stage and Freddie was right, you loved rock concerts and their music. And you missed Brian already, but you didn't want to admit that to yourself. So you got up from the bar counter and left a bit more money than necessary in front of the bartender. Outside, the light of the day was being replaced by the moon and the sky was orange and pink.

You hailed a cab and told the driver to Central Park.

-You going to have some fun uh?- he asked you, obviously referring to the concert taking place there.

You rested your head against the window. -Not really. I'm going to say goodbye-

 The place was packed when you arrived. The concert would start in a few minutes. You had been out more than you thought.

Now that you were there, you didn't really know what was going to happen. But you didn't want to leave. You felt that it was right to be there, to see him one last time, doing something he loved. To see his long fingers moving on his red special, making the guitar sing along with Freddie and with the whole crowd; his long, brown curls, moving as he shook his head at the rhythm of the music he was contributing in creating.

You waited with the rest of the screaming fans until the lights on the stage went down. The crowd screamed louder before getting suddenly quite, waiting for the note of the first song to start filling the air. You found yourself holding your breath as you saw the boys walking up on stage. Your eyes, of course, were fixed on Brian and they remained on him during the whole first song. And the second. And the third. And so on.

He looked tired. He didn't smile, not even once. You couldn't really make out his face, but you could see how still he stayed. He usually was energetic, totally taken by the see of music and chanting people screaming their names. But not tonight. It hurt you to see him like that. Even though you wanted to feel nothing but hatred, you couldn't help but feel the strong need to wrap your arms around him and make him smile again.

-Thank you, darlings!- exclaimed Freddie in the microphone, scanning the crowd, undoubtedly looking for you. When he found you, he smiled brightly and winked.

-This next song is a new one, I'll let Brian introduce it to you-

You felt your heart beating faster as Brian took the microphone in front of him.

-Good evening everybody-

The audience replied with screams and claps. You stayed still, eyes fixed on him.

-I wrote this song while we were here on tour in your beautiful country. It's called "It's late"- he paused and looked down. He seemed lost in his thoughts.

-Well...I hope you enjoy it-

Everybody kept quiet as Brian started to move his long fingers on his guitar. The melody started off as slow, sweet, melancholic before turning in something stronger.

Freddie's voice followed after a few more notes. Brian kept his focus on his guitar and didn't look up, not even once. As you listened to the lyrics, you couldn't help but feel your eyes water. You felt so many emotions at once, you thought you could explode: you were mad, confused, sad and so in love with that man. You hated him for what he had done to you and you hated yourself for being there when you should be home, packing your suitcases and trying to find another apartment. But mostly, you hated yourself because you knew you could never hate him.

When the song was over, your cheeks were wet and when Brian looked up from his guitar, you could see his face was too.

You couldn't take it anymore. So you left. As you walked away, Brian saw you walking against the rest of the crowd. He felt his heart drop in his chest. But the show had to go on and so he kept playing.

 You spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling, laying on the bed, still as a rock. You were trying to order your thoughts when you heard someone knocking ever so lightly at your door. You knew it was him. You didn't move for a few seconds and you thought he was gone but then you heard it again, even lighter than before like he was afraid to actually make himself heard.

You bit your lip and closed your eyes.

"Don't open the door, don't open the door, don't open the door, don't open..."

As your mind kept repeating that, your body was already marching toward the door.

You took a deep breath and opened it. Brian was standing in front of you, his eyes red and his face pale. He had been crying.

-Hi- he whispered, his voice hoarse. You didn't reply.

-Can I come in? Please?-

You stared at him a few more seconds before moving. He walked in, slowly, head low.

You closed the door and waited.

-You were there- you barely heard him say.

-At the concert, tonight. You were there-

He didn't turn to look at you and he wasn't expecting an answer.

-Why?-

You stared at his back, his shoulders were tense and his curls didn't look as shiny and as tidy as they used to.

-That's why I came. To see the concert- you replied, as coldly as you could.

He shook his head and turned to finally face you.

-That's not why you came. You took a weekend from your job, travelled from London to New York, taking a three hours flight just to see me. And I screwed it up- he said, looking as sad as you never saw him before. -I screwed it all up-

You shifted your weight from a foot to the other.

-Doesn't take a genius- you answered.

He scoffed. -Yeah, you're right-

A few more seconds of silence followed.

-I'm not here to ask you to forgive me. I don't deserve your forgiveness and please, believe me when I say I will never forgive myself either- he began. -You're free to leave if you want to, to go home and pack all your staff and...- his voice cracked at those words. -And I'm not gonna stop you. But before you do that...I need you to know that I love you. I love you since John introduced us that night two years and a half ago. I love you since you laughed at my stupid jokes; since you listened to me talking about astronomy without actually understanding a word of what I was saying; I love you since we went out to eat Italian and you scolded me for having never actually eaten a true Italian pizza; I love you since you kissed me in front of the museum, after we spent the whole afternoon there; I love you with every fibre of my being and I can't stand the thought of you leaving- he paused. -But I love you too much to ask you to stay with me after what I did. You deserve to be happy and I hurt you too much. I just couldn't let you go, without having told you this, thinking that I don't love you anymore-

You stared at him in silence, trying to listen to the rational voice in your head telling you to stay as cold as possible.

-That's it?- you asked him.

Brian nodded. -That's it-

You crossed your arms over your chest. -You're right, you hurt me. More than anyone else in my life. You broke my trust-

Brian tried to hold your gaze, taking in every word, which hurt like knives in his chest, because he knew he deserved it.

-But...- you sighed. -I also know you. Better than anymore else in the entire world. I know that you...you would have never done something like that to hurt me. I know you would have never done anything to hurt me- you took a few steps towards him. -I can't say I forgive you, but I can't even say that I hate you because that's not true. I love you, I love you more than I can explain- you said feeling a lonely tear running down your cheek. Brian's eyes were watery as well. He raised one careful hand and wiped it with his thumb, afraid to be rejected but you stayed still.

-I'm so sorry- he whispered. And you knew he meant it. It was torture for both of you, all of it.

You placed a hand on his face and gently stroked his cheek. He closed his eyes, sighing.

You closed the distance between you two with a soft, brief kiss. When you pulled away, Brian opened his eyes and stared at you, with hope in his eyes.

-It's not gonna be easy for you from now on- you said but you smiled slightly.

Brian left out a chuckle which sounded more like a sob and kissed you again, cupping your face with his hands. The kiss was wet and full of apologies which he whispered against your lips.

-I'm sorry...I'm sorry...- he kept saying between the kisses and you held him close to you, gripping his shirt tightly as you stumbled toward the bed.

You spent the night in each others arms, making love, making up, whispering promises and "I love you"s until dawn.