#i'm not in a very arty mood right now but i wanted to get something done

[sl0wdiver]

Get to know me tag from @heffer-wen - thank u so much for letting me have my Oprah intverview 😍

Tagging @bakingblues @jarrodsbowen @merlinn @drunkenromantic @ruben-dias and @canirove!

1. Do you make your bed? Every damn day I sure as hell do. Cushions and throw and all.

2. Favourite number? Always very fond of 28 as it's my birthday. 147 as well. Not that I believe in angel numbers but I see it everywhere.

3. What's your job? That's a secret but it's corporate and it's boring and I'm planning on leaving in October!!

4. If you could go back to school, would you? Secondary school you couldn't pay me enough to do again. It's taken me the best part of a decade to get over it. Much as I would consider going back to uni, I can't be arsed with exams and coursework. Really enjoy not having to be assessed on things. I love studying though!

5. Can you parallel park? Nine times out of ten, yes. I've also managed to start doing it without stressing to high heaven or swearing!

6. Do you think aliens are real? Positively. However, I think the majority of life in the universe is probably like how our planet has been for the majority of its life - either microbial or unintelligent (by our standards). The chances of us existing at the same time as another intelligent species who are close enough that we could make contact with them is unfortunately very small. I would love to see the day we do receive something from a nearby star. Contact is one of my favourite films ever and I think paints the most realistic picture of what that might look like.

7. Can you drive a manual car? I wouldn't drive anything else.

8. Guilty pleasure? Gonna sound so pretentious here but I've moved on from guilty pleasures. I embrace everything that I love and want to enjoy.

9. Tattoos? None at the moment, and probably never. I'm not averse to them, but I don't have anything that I'd really want to put on my body. Closest I've thought however is getting "Fire, walk with me" somewhere because I fucking love Twin Peaks and I saw someone recently with it on their back.

10. Favourite colour? Tough to pick one, but my favourite shades sit around navy blue, aquamarine and turquoise. Colours of the ocean and especially oceans in the summer.

11. Favourite type of music? Truthfully, I can genuinely get along with anything, and I absolutely love SO much different types of music for all sorts of reasons. Easier to list of the stuff that I can't do, namely Hair/Glam Metal, Southern Rock and stuff that's generically put under 'Classic Rock' (I love SO much music from the 60s and 70s, but 'Classic Rock' is not a genre, it's something invented by the likes of Rolling Stone magazine and people in YouTube comment sections of Beatles songs writing "I was born in the wrong generation" to jerk themselves off to. Get a grip).

The way I see it, if it's compelling to me, I will enjoy it. I have a million playlists on Spotify for every mood I find myself in.

12. Do you like puzzles? Some. Word ones tend to be my favourite, and I used to do sudoku quite a lot. It's not really my thing though.

13. Any phobias? Basophobia. Specifically, having no grip on my feet. I'm also quite claustrophobic.

14. Favourite childhood sport? Much like @heffer-wen who tagged me in this, I was arty and quite averse to sport. I went to an all-boys school which was absolutely febrile for getting us to play football, rugby and cricket. Hated them all, and ironically now love watching the latter two.

I did, however, love cycling, badminton, kayaking and bodyboarding, and still do. Don't do any of them competitively but I make sure to bodyboard at least once a year.

15. Do you talk to yourself? All the fucking time. There are so many scenarios happening in my head. Someone HAS to broadcast them, right?

16. Tea or coffee? For years, neither. Then in uni, tea took over my life. Then, shortly before I came out, iced coffee entered my life like a freight train. Now, I love both. Tea is my regular go-to and coffee is more of a treat, but I like them in pretty much all forms. I'm blessed in Cardiff to have the choice of Portugese or Turkish coffee basically on my doorstep and it's fucking brilliant. Earl Grey and Redbush are favourite tea flavours.

17. First thing you wanted to be when growing up? Something in engineering. I was and still am obsessed with planes, trains, cars, bridges, buildings, the like. Turns out I absolutely sucked at studying for the Maths and Physics bits but hey ho, I still enjoy reading about those subjects.

18. What movies do you adore? Where the fuck do I begin. Go read my Letterboxd, it's easier.

As a very, VERY brief overview however, the films I absolutely adore are:

Amadeus

Apocalypse Now

The Incredibles

Call Me By Your Name

Blade Runner

The complete Lord of the Rings trilogy

The complete original Star Wars trilogy (IV and V especially)

Stop Making Sense

The Dark Knight

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Pulp Fiction

Mean Girls

Shrek 2

And SO many more but I'll be here all day listing them out.

[elusive---ivory]

Circus Act - 6

WARNING: VIOLENCE

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

Sandy woke up the next morning. Her bed was empty, but there was a note left on the bedside table.

Deer Sandy,

I haf gone out to work. I wiil b bac soon.

I love you,

Arthur ت

Sandy smiled at the note. Arthur couldn't spell to save his own life, but Sandy found that endearing.

She couldn't help, but wonder where Dennis went off to. It seemed like he just disappeared overnight.

Not that Sandy really cared anymore. As she turned on the television, all her questions were answered.

"In other news, 3 men were killed last night on a subway. They appeared to be heading home, when a man in a clown mask snuck up behind them, and shot them several times. The men identified in the murder were Ryan Travis Williams, Johnathan Richard Wright jr., and Dennis James Cullen. Our hearts go out to the families of these men."

Sandy's eyes widened. Tears were sweeping down her face, but why?

Why was she crying over this monster?

Her face seemed to twitch into a smile. She cried out of the pure joy that he was dead. Her tears disappeared as she showered away the pain and sorrow that Dennis indulged on her.

Arthur arrived at Haha's, cleaning out his locker. The others in the background were discussing the events that happened last night.

"I heard it was a clown mask." One of them said.

"Hey, Arthur. I'm sorry that the boss threw the book at ya, mate." Gary said, walking up to Arthur.

Arthur shrugged, cleaning out his locker.

"Did you really bring a gun to a children's hospital, Artie? What the fuck is wrong with you?" A clown grumbled.

"Where the hell did you did a gun from?" Another clown asked.

Arthur smirked. "Why didn't you ask Randall? I still owe you for that, don't I?" He chuckled, pointing at Randall.

"What? Stop talking out of your ass, Art." Randall growled.

Arthur rolled his eyes, honking a horn. "Oh no, I forgot to punch out." He laughed, punching the clock in box over and over until it fell down off the wall.

Sandy stood outside, smoking a cigarette. Evening had come by so quickly, Sandy didn't even notice. She smiled, watching the sunset from her balcony.

"Did you hear about Dennis? God, it's awful." Dee said, over the phone.

"Believe it or not, Dee. I'm actually glad. This is exactly what I wanted." Sandy had a big smile on her face.

"That's a bit harsh, even for you, Sandy." Dee said, surprised.

"Dee, I feel young again." Sandy sighed, dreamily. "Dennis was such a burden on me. I can't go back to that."

"Well, I'm happy for you. Not to ruin your mood or anything, but Des is coming to town." Dee gulped.

Destiny was Dee's twin sister. She had an ego as well as a very pretentious attitude. Sandy's uncle, Charles, was a rich man that fueled the girl's behavior. Des was very smart, but never put her smarts to good use.

Des was always jealous of Sandy, because she was with Dennis, despite knowing about Dennis, and how much of a monster he really was.

Sandy facepalmed over the telephone. "Ugh. Why?" She groaned.

"Well, she's been saying that California's been boring, and she's been missing home. Who knows? Maybe she's changed." Dee shrugged.

"Yeah right." Sandy scoffed. "I gotta go, Dee. I'll call you later." Afterwards she hung up.

Sandy turned on the television again.

"Tonight, we're giving an exclusive interview with Thomas Wayne about the subway murders that happened just last week."

"Now, Mr Wayne, I know that it's a difficult time for you, and we thank you for being here with us tonight."

Sandy crossed her arms. Thomas Wayne was one of those men that were very scummy deep down. Sandy had met him once or twice at a company party. It wasn't until Dennis made top salesman that he was even invited to those parties.

"Well, I didn't know them, personally, but like all Wayne employees, past and present, they're family."

Sandy rolled her eyes as Thomas Wayne spoke on the television. She knew damn well that Thomas didn't care about his employees. Sandy's darkest moments were caused by Dennis not getting a promotion or just a rough day at work. Sandy deeply despised the man.

"It seems that our less fortunate residents are taking the side of the killer."

"Yes, and it's a shame. It's one of the reasons why I'm considering running for mayor. Gotham has lost its way."

"And what about the eye witness account, saying that the killer wore a clown mask of some kind."

"Well, it makes total sense. What kind of coward would do something so cold blooded? Someone who hides behind a mask. Someone who is envious of those more fortunate than themselves, yet they're too scared to show they're own face. Until those kind of people change for the better, those of us who've made something of our lives, will always look at those who haven't as nothing but clowns."

Sandy could feel her anger boiling through her skin. She could feel herself unraveling, and become violent. Her fist bled as she slammed it into the television. Shattered glass scattered the living room. Shattered glass that she had to clean up.

Taglist: @princessgeekface, @memory-mortis, @joker-flecked-me, @jokerflecker, @gloomyladyy

[vargonautic]

Maybe I’ll actually colour this one day

lol no I won’t

[finsterhund]

I'm feeling slightly better than I was yesterday.

I bought stuff for Spot with the last of my money to cheer myself up, as I'm getting paid in two days.

One of the Spots I ordered arrived and I gave them a bath.

Got chicken strips and potato wedges.

I'm still extremely upset about the news from yesterday. I'm trying not to take it personally but saying "I hated doing commissions" and me being his primary commissioner, getting one almost every month, has made that hard.

I guess this means I shouldn't obsess over one friend and their art and should try being closer to multiple people and being a supporter of multiple artists.

Every time I get too attached I always end up getting hurt because I'm too clingy.

But as I said, finding that sweet spot when it comes to artists is very very difficult. All the good artists who aren't creeps are so popular that getting a commission slot is impossible.

This year has just been "the year of distance" and it sucks. Everyone being distant in real life due to the virus I think is normalizing reclusion even online.

I tried to shower like a non disabled person today and guess what? I bruised my horrible little nasty sternum by falling. It feels kinda weird now and hurts. It makes me think more about whether I have wires around it or not. The bone would have grown around the wires right? Hopefully it's just bruising and it's not like, extra delicate because it was at one point in two halves, so it broke. Baby bones are basically cartilage so it would have grown properly right?

I know nothing of medicine.

So I'm sticking to baths unless I want to get a shower chair. Only issue is there's no space for one.

Our slumlord house owner was going to raise our rent but can't because of the virus. That's some good news. Hope it stays that way. We're already paying way too much for what we get here.

I had a pretty bad breakdown last night but tonight I'm not feeling that. Still really sad about recent events though.

Actually befriending artists is really hard and a big issue I have with finding artists online to commission is I prefer them being my friends as there's a level of comradery and understanding so ehhhhhh. I had several people do art fight attacks for me this year out of the blue so maybe I'd be able to network and become friends with other artists but that's so hard for me. My friendships pretty much are lightning in a bottle rare events that brought us together. I don't actually know how to intentionally make friends.

I wish Fishy had more free time and Shynox and Lili and Arti came back. Oh well.

I found out that the camera I wanted to get for when I finally get my service dog doesn't save photos digitally. It sucks because I really wanted to have a modern instant camera that also had an SD card for the photos as backup but nope. The new Polaroid doesn't do that. It's just a regular old style instant camera. No digital features. I'd dig that if the saga of the Spot photos and the ongoing search for a place that still develops negatives didn't force me to get with the times and acknowledge for once in my life that "digital is the answer"

So instead I'm helping my friend buy his camera and he'll be taking photos for me. I'm sad because after my first digital camera broke I wanted to get a new one but finding out that the one I wanted didn't do what I needed it to do sorta just made me give up.

The pet store where I got stuff for Spot had things on clearance. Everything I got was clearance. I also saw a glow in the dark collar but I just thought that Spot wouldn't like the material and that it would be something my future service dog would like and that made me feel sad so I left.

The quest for a very large stuffed dog that looks like Spot continues. I found a pattern that someone could make one, but do you know how to sew things? I thought not. Neither do I.

I'm excited for the OC release of Paper Beast even though I won't be able to play it. Gotta build my new PC but that means dealing with modern PC parts which is something I've been fearing. I know how to assemble modern PCs, but I'm so behind with the technical aspect it's hard. I don't want to just buy a prebuilt, that's a waste of money, but due to the virus, going to a local shop is out of the question too.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm getting by, but that I'm not happy. I'm just sorta riding the waves wherever they move and hoping for the best.

I'm hoping my friend's new camera will be good for photos of cuddle clone Spot and also my HoD collection.

I've got some ideas for commissions though. Just don't know who to commission lol

I've got one in the works now though. First one from an artist I thought was cool and is nice to follow. Seemed excited to work on my idea.

My friend made me this and it makes me feel happy.

Hopefully I'll have an easier time sleeping tonight than I did last night.

Maybe I'll try writing instead. But since my mood is awful we know it's going to take a dark turn.

I might try searching around for artists some more, especially once I get paid.

It's not the end of the world. I'm just hurt lol

Anyways, update done. Talk to you guys later.

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Could you give me some advice? I recently suffered a really bad relapse with my anorexia my team really want me IP by have agreed I can stay home but I have to cut exercise. Now I'm that person who would compulsively gym and yoga everyday as well as counting my steps everyday too. How do I cope with not being able do this and at what point in recovery do you think it's realistic to attempt exercise again? I worry so much about gaining weight and not being toned/fit? How do you deal with that?? X

PTW - potential trigger warningTalk of exercise 

Hey love, firstly I am not going to make a thing out of giving advice but it sounds like you are in a difficult place, one which I know well, so of course I will try to offer as much reassurance as I can. Secondly please remember that I am not a health professional and you need to be listening to the people monitoring you as they know you/your situation best. 

Okay, so where to start? I used to struggle a lot with exercise addiction, mostly before my first ever recovery attempt and having to give it up was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I used to do a lot and was in a similar scenario where I was being told that it was either an admission there and then or I needed to work with the team and stop exercising and go on bed rest. I have had a few slips here and there over the years getting a bit stuck in “having” to do x or y but luckily it has never got to the point where I was a number of years ago.As for how did I do it?Honestly? the best thing is to go cold turkey. There is no point teasing it out, doing it bit by bit because that is literally torturing yourself and will make anorexia LOUDER and drag out the whole process. You need to keep in mind that it will never be “enough” for anorexia no matter what you do. I would suggest sitting down and making a pros and cons list for giving up exercise - be honest with yourself. You dont have to show this to anyone but I often find that making these types of lists helps me to put things in perspective. I also like to ask myself “what would I say to anyone else?” as I often find it hard to think about things in terms of myself. The truth is that you are not a “unicorn” or that “the rules dont apply” to you -they really do. Your team are saying you need to stop exercising for a reason, and that is because it is literally putting your life in even more danger - which I know anorexia will love hearing and try to twist but try to listen to the facts here. Ask yourself; do you always want to feel like you HAVE to go for a walk or do x number of steps or go to the gym y times a week? Yes it is going to be uncomfortable to stop. yes it might make the voices louder in the SHORT term but in the long term it will help to give you a better chance at a LIFE, at LIVING. My tips? try to plan in something completely different when you would usually go to the gym - for example when I was on bed rest and giving up exercise I read A LOT. Sometimes I found it hard to concentrate but when I did I tried to do some arty things, many of which were recovery based so making little posters or collages. Learn a new skill (I taught myself to crochet!), go and have your nails painted (self care is vital). I would also suggest trying to make sure that you have company when you feel like you “need” to d exercise. Let the people around you know what you are doing (giving up exercise) and enlist there help, they want to do whatever they can to help you but they are not mind readers - they wont know unless you tell them. Whether it be to watch a film, go to a cafe, a drive, sit in a park, go to the cinema, whatever it is that might help.Delete ALL of the apps from your phone that count steps or calories etc.Give up your fitness watch (I had a slip up with a fitbit whilst in NZ and it literally ruled me and what helped me to break that cycle was to give my mum the fitbit as it was then out of my hands and I couldnt “just sneak it on for one day” which I know I would have done if I had simply put it in my drawer. And eliminate any other temptations (maybe pack your gym clothes away and put them at the back of your wardrobe for a while?)Cancel your gym membership and use the money for other things - e.g. buy a new outfit, go to the cinema, jewellery, shoes, a spa treatment....Put the scales away (you do not need to “micromanage” everything. Seeing weight fluctuations on a daily basis only feeds into the obsessive nature of anorexia.

As for when you can exercise again? This is something you need to be really really careful about. In all honesty I think you need to be both mentally and physically able to cope with doing said exercise (i.e. weight restored), as well as being able to eat more for doing it and not be doing it for disordered reasons. You will be able to exercise in the future and for the right reasons but right now you need to take time out in order to put your health and wellbeing FIRST. I would also encourage you to work with your team on the issues you have around needing to be “fit” and “toned” as this sounds like a big of a barrier for you. I promise that eating more and not exercising will NOT make you balloon. That is anorexia trying to nestle in and make you stop. And I know that reading this and me telling you that I did similar and did not balloon will not likely help you as ED always wants to make us the exception - but it did not cause me to lose control. This is where the only way to find out is to go through it. And that’s hard, really hard. However you are not going through this alone and there are people to help you along the way. Exposure to these things and doing these behavioural experiments is the only way we can learn. There is only so much that can be “said”, the focus needs to be on the ACTION. Then over the period of a couple of WEEKS (because taking one reading will not give you a trend) you will be able to see that your weight does not go off into infinitely and that you do not gain a stone overnight. Anorexia is trying to put up barriers in order to stop you from having a life beyond it, but these barriers can be taken down and overcome. 

Please listen to your team, they know what they are saying. Try to keep your motivations to recover close to heart, and keep revisiting them when your mood drops/when you have a difficult day. Not every day is going to be all sunshine and rainbows; recovery is so far from that. But recovery is the very thing that will bring you LIFE, it will bring you a chance of living beyond this disorder. You can do this, I promise it is the right thing to do. Wish you the best, take care xx