#i'm not good w not writing fics(?) like they're not genuine analysis

[chapinii]

Many on Quesadilla island believe that Fitmc was very much closeted to himself and the world up until he arrived on the QSMP, but perhaps that closet wasn't quite as locked as some may presume.

With the environment of 2b2t being so rife with hatred and homophobia, a deep and meaningful relationship was always out of the question. But within its depths lay the rub, of Fit, going through the all too familiar queer experience of being very aware of his sexuality against this toxic landscape, and knowing the possibility of others out there being just like him. Others whom he could never risk reaching out to in public, but longed to all the same.

He'd heard and seen his fair share of casual to severe homophobia, as well as witnessing with some amusement how the homoerotic tension some players swear against can tear factions apart. He knows all too well the irony that comes with a land so dominated by toxic masculinity and bigotry. This is a place where a man will stare you in the eyes, caress your cheek so gently, then spit in your face in disgust before insta-killing you. Of course, the price for outing somebody in such a place is a pretty penny for sure. Being a blank slate in the land of anarchy is your strongest asset. The last thing you want to do is throw fuel onto the fire and give people even more of a reason to put your head on a spike.

And so, he kept his feelings repressed- for the most part. He'd hide a blush as he melted internally over a handshake with a particularly muscular allied base leader. He'd allow himself the luxury of a poster, of an old Hollywood western starring a (very) dashing cowboy, that he'd stick crudely on the bedroom wall of wherever he'd end up staying for a while. But perhaps, just a couple times, he'd had a few small but significant experiences: the touch of a hand on his for just a fraction too long, warm eyes from a face he can't quite remember looking him up and down, all but rendering him breathless. Split second opportunities that would make those feelings bubble up to the surface, too strong to ever truly ignore. Being a lone mercenary in a world of anarchy is all well and good, but God does it get lonely.

He and Pac like to take things slow. It's a mutual decision. Neither of them have ever truly felt the need to sit down and discuss why. Fit wouldn't like him to know what he thinks about whenever the subject drifts towards the two of them going any further with their relationship. Every time Pac makes any kind of suggestive advance, heck, even if he looks at the man for too long, his mind can't help but think back to one quiet night on 2b2t, so many years ago. Flashes of encountering a stranger, deep underground, of a clumsy, desperate kiss. Stubble on stubble, the raw smell of dirt and sweat and cigarette smoke. He remembers the thrill, the terrifying electricity of it all, until a clatter was heard in the cave behind them and the moment was gone forever. It meant everything and nothing at the same time, that chance encounter. It was the closest he'd ever came to a real connection with somebody. He didn't know what became of the other man who so urgently whispered 'run', into his ear. He could have killed Fit right there, made a point of it, and yet he didn't. The mere memory of it petrified him, but by God, did he feel alive.

All the same, he didn't dare risk anything like that again. That was until he came to the QSMP, a place where he didn't have to hide himself from others, but still he airs on the side of caution. He's afraid of getting things wrong, of throwing himself into something he can't run away from. This isn't just some random encounter with a player in 2b2t. Pac is different. Fit knows he's got a past of his own, he sees how it torments him sometimes. What if daring to make a move, even kissing him opens up old wounds for the both of them?

Fit's no longer hiding in the dark. Making things 'official' with Pac is not a once in a lifetime chance, but the longer Fit hangs around him he feels like it is. He wants to keep Pac safe just as he kept himself safe for all those years. When he finally lets himself get closer to his roommate, one wrong move and another hypothetical cave noise could sound, followed by the form of something even more terrible that could rip the two apart forever and send Fit straight back to square one.

Slow and steady wins the race. Slow and steady keeps them both safe.

But God, what he'd give to feel that thrill again.

[inabottlelikelightning]

End of Year Review

thank you my beloved @attempted--eloquence for the tag :)

What fandoms did you create for ?

only teen wolf works published, but my wips have some others

How many works did you make this year? Fics (posted on ao3 or tumblr or wherever), edits, gifsets, moodboards, playlists, fanart, vids, meta?

20 fics, probably a couple gifsets. did Not expect the number to be that high because it feels like I haven't been writing a lot recently, but hey! a pleasant surprise :)

Any stats you wanna tell us about?

managed to make it to 300k words this year :) which is SO weird to think about but !!!!! so glad I took the leap last year to start writing again, it's been a Blast

What inspired you this year? Any specific works or creators?

read a lot during quarantine: ocean vuong, susan sontag, anne carson, others. read shitty romance novels, watched comfort movies. met great people, made phenomenal friends, got into a relationship.

regarding specific creators!! love spiraling w/ my love @chcrrysprite and my favorite writing partner @attempted--eloquence, my girl @ttp5000, and the man who runs through full literary analysis with me and i love him for it @thecenturiestrickle. they're all completely unhinged and i love them with my whole heart

okay I wanted to do like an appreciation post at some point during the year but it just Sat there in my drafts, so we're gonna do it here. here are some works/creators that really inspired me! and recommendations, i guess, to anyone who needs them--

every time i read @eneiryu i'm in genuine and complete awe. they weave words together and worldbuild like i've never seen before. the expedition set out to chart the distance from me to you ruined my whole entire life but, like. in the best possible way.

every time i read @spikeface, i feel like i'm going feral. i read the boy who swallowed the earth last night and it felt like the world was coming apart at the seams and me along with it. no one writes scott like they do. would also Highly recommend the family of things because it makes me feel like i'm losing my mind in the best possible way.

anything by @thecenturiestrickle will make you think a lot about society and interpersonal relationships. everything he's written hurts a lot because he's mean but i like Gather Back All That Dawn Has Put Asunder for the ruminations on growth.

no one does introspection quite like @chcrrysprite. would recommend her entire bibliography, but if i had to pick one from this year, where the spirit meets the bones will make you cry like a baby

everything @attempted--eloquence writes is genuinely award worthy. i don't even know where to begin. staking claim to the mess you've made has inspired SO many of my theo thought tangents. so has Still waiting for the end of the world, leave a message when it comes. Handle With Care, obviously, is a fandom classic. and the 2 of us poured a Lot of love into in time of daffodils who know.

@honeyscapes's Inglorious Roommates is so, so good. i've been binging published romance novels in the past week and nothing has come CLOSE to the chemistry and relationship development they've managed.

Quintessentia is phenomenal with language and characterizations. everything i've read from them makes me feel well and truly breathless. would highly recommend my skin's smothering me, help me find a way to breathe.

Teen Wolves by nothoughts_headempty is written in script format and is the season 7 we deserved. genuinely 10/10, they should have replaced the scriptwriters.

been going by a non-name by dramaticgasp haunted me for days.

@hidesourcheeks legally owns scallisaac, i think. or at least they should. Better to Die on your Feet is a scallisaac hunger game au that I would take Any Day over either canon, because Oh My God. Who Are You, Really? is an allison pov and also the best allison-centric thing i've read in my entire life? canon WISHES it could have that much character exposition. and while i'm here, i might as well recommend On the Side of Caution, their isaac-centric piece. screaming and crying and throwing up because i have Never seen something that un-romanticizes beacon hills so beautifully

not yet a corpse but still, he rots by @yikeshereiam because [screams into the void] angsty theo introspection!! also i've never read a sentence by them that hasn't knocked the breath out of me

that's all i'll give for now. there are definitely some i'm missing. might fuck around and make a rec list

What are you most proud of?

i had so much going on in the spring and somehow still managed to write a Lot?? also did my first collab (daffodils) wrote my first thiayden fic (which i've been wanting to for a Long Time!), wrote my first non-tw fic (should be posted soon :) ) and experimented with a new writing style. i feel like my growth is visible from the beginning of the year to the end, and i'm so, incredibly happy about it. also, the college au?? it started out as a christmas gift last year and then Completely took on a life of it's own.

What’s a piece you didn’t expect to make? Why?

Daffodils w/ bee :) never expected to collab, but i am Inordinately pleased with the results. it was so, so fun to work together

What are you excited to work on next year?

super excited to finish a multichapter fic for once!! i've been working on yofoe again recently :) planning to finish it this year! i would like to finish at least one of the thiaydens i started, and hopefully some of the others. keep an eye out for a regency au :) and when I finish yofoe, there's a chimera pack fic that i've been wanting to write for literal MONTHS but i've been holding myself back because i knew i didn't have the time. well. now i do :) also. ratatouille thiam, because chef theo is my weakness.

tagging @chcrrysprite and @thecenturiestrickle