#i'm not complaining btw i just thought it was an interesting observation for myself

[khaopybara]

now that i giffed for western fandoms i understand why people say gifmakers for asian shows are dedicated and passionate about the shows they gif

[woodsrotting]

Every time I think about going back on tumblr, I remember why I don't really want to.

TRIGGER WARNING under the read-more for abuse / s-xual abuse mentions. Not a vent btw, more like, an observation? I'm in a much better place now. But basically I was reminded tonight of my past stuff, and how I would vent a lot. I feel like reflecting on that because I think it's interesting to see it from a more "outside" view now, and because I feel like it's important I archive my feelings. Like a diary, I guess. (I'll still tag as vent for archive purposes.)

On Nov. 9, 2024, it's going to be me and my bf's 5th year anniversary. Yes, I finally got a bf (I'll call him Pinho here) who hasn't treated me like crap at all, we've never fought, and we know each other irl; so I've only ever said good things about him, and while I do miss him when he's gone, I don't feel desperate for physical intimacy.

The contrast between a healthy relationship and a toxic one is STARK. I used to doubt that I was taken advantage of, that maybe I was the one in the wrong all this time, but now, after having thought about it for years, I know for a fact I was s-xually and emotionally abused by three of my exes. They knew about my hypers-xuality, my desperation for someone to love me, my traumas, among many things, and still they made me do things I really didn't want and that I tried to avoid or escape. I hate that the things they said made me feel and look horrible if I didn't stay in the relationship, or if I didn't do what they wanted. It was always really hard to break out of those relationships; only one did I really do the breaking up, but only after being forced to stay in the relationship for way too long. The others, I was practically driven out once they realized I didn't want to force myself to have s-x with them anymore (I know it was only through text or through phone, but I still consider it s-x, because it involved all the...things, just without the touching).

I never experienced any abuse or conflict with Pinho. Well, there were times when we had miscommunications, but it never devolved into fighting or anything. We only broke down around each other because of our individual traumas being unintentionally triggered (we both have cPTSD). We never felt like we were forcing each other to stay in a relationship or to do things we don't want. We just love and trust each other.

Like, I remember specifically that I'd have at least ONE complaint about my exes. But I could never bring myself to complain about Pinho. Even just typing that made me want to bite my tongue hard in frustration.

So now I'm just looking back at my past vents, and while it's sad, it's also kind of interesting seeing how deep the rabbit hole goes. I find it interesting how trapped I felt in these past relationships because of all the abuse. I remember now why I envision myself trapped in a cage in the dark whenever I have an emotional breakdown. It's because that was literally how it felt to be in those relationships, having no freedom at all, feeling like you HAVE to please these people because otherwise, YOU'RE the problem.

I can imagine that, if for some reason my exes were stalking me to this day or decided to check my tumblr, they'd want to reach out and talk to me about it, maybe make amends somehow. Back then, I did forgive them, because I thought that maybe I was partially at fault for everything that went down. But now that I know better, I really don't want to see them at all. I don't want to make amends again either. Because, well. I didn't do anything.

But here's hoping I never see them again, ever. I just want to move on.