#i'm never going to delete something that brought joy to a lot of people

[anneapocalypse]

On the upside Fallout 3 is making me nostalgic for when I first got into Fallout and on the other hand it's making me think about my early fandom days. 😬

[butchbarneygumble]

Imagine how I must feel as one of the only fans of Mighty Magiswords. You know. A headcanons-and-fanfic kind of fan. I even cosplayed Prohyas once.

Of course, it's nothing compared to what the actual victims went through... I'm fine. But it still felt like a part of my identity has been permanently soured. I don't want to seem like I somehow have it worse, that's not my intention. Nothing bad happened to me personally. I'm only posting my own side of how I deal with the situation, to get some closure myself and show solidarity with the victims.

I don't admire him anymore, and that's putting it lightly.

Full story under cut. Content warning for non-graphic discussion of csa.

The news came to me from my ex-but-still-friend. He told me privately, out of nowhere, just dropped it on me. Like, "Hey, sorry to tell you, but the guy you like got arrested for csa". However, I am glad he told me rather than me having to find out on my own.

The news hit me, and I felt nothing in my body. I usually would get this painful fight-or-flight all through my body whenever I read something that upset me, something I've been training myself to get better with. But right now? I just felt like... "huh. That happened." It helped a lot that Magiswords wasn't my fixation of the moment. And like... it's been like I've been slipping away from it. Like I didn't need it anymore.

More and more people were talking about him, and it wasn't positive. Who? Kyle.

I talked to him. Personally, like many people did. He never acted weird to me. I admired him. I loved his art, sent him physical fanart, all that stuff. I knew more than one person said he was not trustworthy but hey, he made a show that saved my life, so it was a constant struggle between feeling like I had to pick sides. I was going through hell by virtue of my dad being terminally sick and needing constant care, so I was gonna ignore the red flags and enjoy my silly sword show that brought me such joy.

Even if as time went on it started get harder and harder.

But you know what a certain depressed horse show said? When you're wearing rose coloured glasses, red flags just look like flags.

I now think dodged a bullet.

What emotions do I feel? Betrayal. Anger. Disgust. Disappointment.

The irony about it all. The sheer painful irony of blacklisting somebody for *drawings*, and then going behind everybody's back to actually hoard *actual* csa, and revenge porn, and all sorts of nasty stuff. For the record: there is nothing wrong with being put off or disgusted by specific sorts of drawings. But the irony here is what's most painful to me. I do not like people using this as a "gotcha" for either side of this tired argument. It's disrespectful to the actual victims.

People say I can easily seperate art from the artist if I want to but... right now I don't think I want to. He's in every pore of its identity. I do not want to talk or think about Magiswords right now, and I don't know if I ever will again.

It meant so much to me. Prohyas felt like Me. Being a goofy capable adult who doesn't stop collecting things he likes just cuz he's an adult. I thought I was trans for a while and the euphoria of relating to Prohyas helped that. Then he got lowkey confirmed nonbinary and I was over the moon.

It was good. Emphasis on "was".

And to the man himself I have one thing to say: you're another one in a long history of cartoon artists who end up being unsavoury, slimy people, taking advantage of young people, especially girls, in the animation industry. Not something to be proud of. I know we talked and you seemed perfectly okay to me, personally. All I can think is thank god it never went beyond casual chats.

I guess I can finally say I never liked the joke about Vambre not liking pants. Sure, sensory issues exist, but I doubt that was the intention of the design. I have deleted my sideblog where I chronicled ooc screencaps of the show and deleted my little spotify playlist of songs that reminded me of the show. I don't want to finish my longfic where Prohyas and Flonk fell in love anymore. I can't even change it into ocs because it's just so ingrained in the show's lore. So yeah, there's that.

I'll be fine. When the news hit I took it surprisingly well. I was going to an Alestorm concert and it was the most fun I had in ages. So yeah, I've got Christopher Bowes and His Plate of Beans to fill the void of comedy music. Was fixating on Simpsons already so there's that in terms of cartoons. I'm fine.

All I can say is my heart goes out to all the victims, and I'm deeply sorry I didn't see you sooner. I hope you can heal and have some semblance of closure now that he's gotten arrested. My heart goes out to all of you and again, I am so so sorry. I wish you all the love and healing.

[heyitschartic]

Please don't delete that post, as fucked up as it may sound, as I'm someone just starting her own transition this is kinda giving me hope in a weird way. Like even if it might not be for me i might still be able to be better off having transitioned.

I'm sorry if this is too much to ask but could you talk more about it? Whether it be your feelings about it, the experience overall or just something else about it I'd be interested to hear more.

Do you think had this not happened and you were in better circumstances you would've transitioned still?

It actually does make me feel better that my messy transition is helping you work your way through yours. I can say, it's definitely worth going through if you're questioning. Transitioning is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Also, don't worry, I probably won't delete it just cause I wouldn't work up the nerve to ever write it out again. Anyway, shit under the dash again I guess

My feelings about it are so fucking complex lol. I'm actually sort of working on a story lightly based off it right now just cause posting dredged so many of these feelings up. To an extent, I look back on that point in my life with a lot of fondness. It was...it wasn't amazing, but a lot of what came out of it was? I was working through so much shit, that at some point being forcibly transitioned was literally just like one more thing on the pile. Like I said, I had put my body through hell and was kinda recovering from that, not including all the mental health stuff and I was still holding down a job until the pandemic hit, just cause I kept forcing myself to go.

But at points it was everything, just this all encompassing performance with me as the star and so many feelings get wrapped up in that. Self hatred, pity, dysphoria, anger. But, there was also joy. Renewal. Success. Love. So much of what happened was wrapped up in love that it's hard for me to fully in my head view it as toxic or wrong.

Sometimes I consider it lucky. So many trans people are just thrown into a transition without guidance and have to sink or swim. You have to learn makeup, fashion, how to talk, how to act, little ticks, even stuff like bras. To just have someone there the entire time holding your hand and explaining it to you is literally more than I could ever ask for.

But it was also one of the most messed up things that ever happened to me. I spent so many days crying as I tried to grapple with it and how I felt about myself. I think for a full week I was just shut down when I put it all together. Even if I started to enjoy it, so much of the experience was a mess of emotions and consent that I still have trouble shifting through today. And that push by my ex to change everything about myself just left so many fucked up ways that I measure my self worth in the aftermath.

When you're in that nebulous in between of not knowing what you are, it's frightening. I was adrift for a long time.

I just felt like a fake person when I was in "girlmode" and also in "guymode" Like, that shit left a lot of mental scars about how I view myself to the point its hard for me to ever go out without full face, perfect dress, etcetera just because of how much it impacted my sense of self. I still deal with some of that even today. So many feelings of never living up to what I need to do to be a women just kick around my head constantly. To top it ll off, I still haven't gotten surgeries I want and could get just because of how much that got tied into me conceiving of myself as a person.

But like...I have heard so many people talk about gender euphoria, this was like that on a whole higher level. Every single moment she was there to guide me, show me, affirm me, love me. Every step I took was a step forward. She brought me out of my worst moments of dysphoria, of feeling fake. She cradled me in bed after long days, rubbing hands through my hair, and saying I was her girl. I got so many makeovers early on, where I could look in a mirror and see the woman I would be. I was never questioned in anything I did because I always had her by my side. I always felt safe. To be loved is to be changed and girl, did I get changed.

When I was adrift I was such a mess, but once I had that femininity to grasp onto it felt like a life vest to pull me out of the water.

But the problem with having something like this happen to you is that for the rest of your life you're left wondering if it's all real. It makes the core bedrock you base yourself on so shaky. I was remade from a lie, transitioned at her behest, and so what does that mean for the me I am now? I spent a year questioning if I was even really trans after, cause like, how can you be a trans person if you didn't even fucking make the choice to transition.

However, if I really hated it, I could have detransitioned! If I didn't like it I could have gone back and I didn't. I like who I am, I like being a woman. Isn't grappling with deciding if you're trans just the average fucking trans person's experience? If it wasn't for the force fem lean to all of this, it's just a trans woman complaining about how hard it is to be a trans woman!

Still, I don't know if I would have transitioned without her help. Not because I didn't want it, but because I could have never accepted it.

I think that there were signs I might have been trans, though I don't know how much of that is me just looking back and hoping. But I don't know if I ever would have transitioned if it hadn't happened to me like this. I just wasn't even really aware that was an option. Maybe if someone had walked up and just offered, but even then I probably would have instinctively gone "not for me, thanks." I like to think my ex saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself, saw an egg that needed to be cracked but was just too dense to do it on her own.

The problem is I wasn't in good circumstances and now it's hard for me to ever see myself getting into good circumstances without this happening to me first. I guess in a way I'm evidence Dorley Hall would work in real life. Transitioning did save me, it did make me a better person, and it made me happier, even if I needed a little help to get there.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

[ilkkawhat]

You don't have to answer this publicly (or at all) if it's too personal or if I'm just totally off-base, but I'm also agreeing with your mom that this job doesn't sound like it's worth it. To be honest, seeing all of the pain this job has been causing for you really hurts. No job or company is worth your health, any aspect of your health, and quitting may feel like you've let "them" win, but it's more like retreating from a battle so you can win the war, that "war" being the entire rest of your life so that you don't work yourself to death. You don't necessarily have to quit right now if it would risk your financial security or if you need access to health insurance or something- but try interviewing for other jobs and just see what else is out there. (And if retaliatory termination is a potential concern, don't tell anyone at the current place until your new job is secured.)

I think you've also mentioned that you're trying to move out of your parents' house. I don't know if you've lived on your own before, but even though it's great and I wouldn't trade it for anything, it's a whole other ballgame in terms of stress, and I wouldn't want to be stuck with a job that's killing me while also trying to support myself. I would feel trapped, because quitting could mean not being able to afford bills and losing health insurance. Find a new job, and rest and recuperate from this one while you're still being supported.

before all the ranty stuff i do just wanna say i appreciate your message and care, I know I don't really talk to many people 1-on-1 these days, and it's rare that I reach out to those who do offer for me to vent (and I love all of you for that, too) and i know i'm difficult to deal with when it comes to these things cause i just keep fighting people's truly heartfelt advice...but again, I truly, deeply, appreciate this 💜💜💜

i'm just gonna go ahead and answer publicly since i feel like i've been a public mess these last few weeks (well ok. to be fair. i've been a public mess ever since i joined tumblr lbr and more so when i was like. reactivated in 2018/2019, to the point where i once deleted at the climax of one of the worst meltdowns of my life) even though i really never wanted to mix my personal shit with fandom cause the last time i did, i feel like i ruined a lot of good things including not even being able to look at the character who brought me more joy than anything ever in my life for almost a year without having this gut wrenching heartbreak that i only just recently got over, not to mention all the friendships ruined, feeling i abandoned everyone, the drive for creativity i lost and just being a general piece of shit and putting anger and blame where it doesn't belong--cause all of that was just my fault. which i'm scared i'm just going through another loop and i'll just ruin everything all over again (and to be clear, i say this not to fish for compliments or validation but to just be brutally honest about how almost traumatic things were for me in these past few years, i still occasionally have nightmares about fandom life)

anyway. vent-filled answer below and then hopefully i'll just go back to the ilkka/remedy loving posts 😅

yeah my thing about quitting...because i know, i know the grass could be greener on the other side but...it could be worse and I think that's my fear. I've been in this job for 9 years this month and have gone through so fucking much, have outlasted problematic people before and just have such a strong bond with my manager and two peers that also report into her that we all often say if one of us quit, we'd probably all walk out together (i think we are legit trauma bonded and while there's still times that i feel idk left out? cause they do still meet up without me occasionally and def talk about me in ways of 'how do we help her' cause they've told me before lol but in these past few months i finally feel part of that team though i'm definitely the weakest link). and not only that but I have a good standing relationship with all the other departments (which honestly is saying something and is credited to a lot of problematic people leaving, and even improved a relationship with someone who was driving me to want to quit many times) and managers and feel quite honestly supported by pretty much everyone...except maybe like. two people

and right now the biggest stressor--well two stressors, are those two employese of mine that idk, things could maybe get better depending how tomorrow goes...i've admitted to my boss that people in general is my biggest struggle and i was strong enough to let her deliver a tough message to the team and I say that was strong of me because so many times i worry that like, i'm a failure at this job, i'm not enough, i'm not respected, so any chance i can get to flex my authority it's like i want to do it just so I can prove i'm capable of the job cause something i've held on to ever since i was promoted to supervisor (and by promoted i mean I applied for the job, it wasn't handed to me though everyone kinda knew i deserved it and would get it) was my dad making a pretty sexist comment that women can't be in positions of power, so like, that's part of i think why i'm so reluctant to give up even though i did melt down last year to my boss that i don't think i could continue down the leadership path, I recently told her how stressful these two employees have been (she saw the insubordination from the one dude cause it was literally posted in our team chat...and that other person i'm stressed about even put a little heart emoji on his very disrespectful and unhelpful comments towards me that he claims were not meant that way but like. dude. c'mon.)

and then that sucks cause like. admittedly they are good workers when they put in effort but i think they've been taking advantage of me in a way, and this is really my fault to begin with because as a trainer I've been trying to like. not overwhelm new people so I tend to take some of the stuff they should do and just do it myself cause it's easier, and now we're trying to set that boundary and it seems to be upsetting everyone, and it really started last year cause they both said i'm putting training responsibilities onto them which is a bit of a grey thing cause maybe yeah in some ways i would let them show new people something but then they took that to HR and was like "I want more money" and that opened the whole can of worms of me not doing my job (which, to be fair to myself, i was training people literally three months into working myself and i think the fact that i never complained about it, showed competency, etc led me to becoming a lead and then the supervisor i am today). not saying it's right but that's def where the problems began, and their attitude and attendance and the call offs i've had to deal with just...are not helping esp since our company had to lay off a few people including one of our own (who was going to retire anyway and really is getting a better benefits package from it...though...she just got sent to the hospital after being non responsive yesterday and that's a whole other can of worms I don't want to get into right now) but anyway. like i'm hoping i can fix things with these two but my like. trauma of bad employees is telling me they'll quit, or just get worse and then i fire them and it's GOD JUST SO CONFLICTING. cause they're going through shit, they do have some valid points and concerns but at the same time it's like...they just don't care that i'm failing at my job (and HR has been helpful yet not...like she suggested i ask them how i can be a better supervisor to them which i feel like insinuates that she agrees i'm not a good supervisor even though i'm truly trying to keep our department together and make sure the right stuff gets done while also making sure they get their breaks even if i don't, pick up after them, do the things they can't, etc...try to bring treats for morale, give gifts on holidays...though i guess i suck when it comes to idk. birthdays and maternity leaves apparently) and i think the real problem is i want to be liked, they probably don't like me, and that should be okay. i'm clearly not an easy person to deal with i'm like one of those hard to woo npcs in video games lmao

but i do understand what literally everybody is telling me except my own boss (and maybe she's just scared of the idea of losing me...i know she was scared of me quitting before, and i've been open and honest with her about my own feelings about it without crying to her saying i'm a failiure cause i don't want to fish for compliments or validation even though i think that's what i desperately need....i rated myself "mostly successful" for last year and ngl it kinda stung she jjust sorta...agreed with me but it's the truth, i was melting down maybe not as bad as this year but uhm. still bad.) which is to take time off or quit altogether and i'm willing to compromise and just consider the time off but even that i'm still like. don't feel like it's fair, i have all but one vacation day already used/planned and like. how do i have to get the justification for the leave?

though i'm not gonna lie. i'm fucking scared. so many people have started warning me about my health now and that dr's appointment i had went better than i thought--i'm no longer diabetic (but still close to it), i did lose weight from before....but i've been having so much heartburn (and i'm trying to stop caffiene), headaches that might be migraines (which i'm getting meds for), so many panic attacks, trouble sleeping, depression....i know something's gotta change more than what i'm already trying to do in drinking less (which admittedly. not being as good on), eating better, exercising (which isn't happening lol). my mom gave me the second talk this week that she doesn't like seeing me come home crying every day

and financially? yeah honestly feasible for me to quit for a year if i just stay at home and maybe cancel some of those things you always tend to pay for but never fully use, but just want it to be there and available and i have so much saved up....i know it's going to probably change my life for the better when i do move out of this hellhole but i am scared of that stress too...some of my cousins offered for me to rent their house (which of course my mom shuts down any idea of renting cause she feels it's not worth it and i just hate that she gets that way and seems like she'd rather i quit my job than move out lmao) and i know i say every year this is the year i leave but....i have a feeling this is the year i don't. and same with work.

[yuelongfx]

I know I've been absent for some time now. I needed time to get things together. Truth it, I'm not doing well mentally. I feel like I've been drained of my joy in the things I love. And yes, sometimes that happens with time. But the cause of this is not time. And is not something I brought upon myself. More is set to come in the future about this situation but the fact of the matter is that for the last year or so I have been the target of continuous stalking and slander of my name and I'm honestly tired of it. Honest to God I am just completely and whole heartedly done. I know I'm being watched. I know this because my Jing Yuan url happened to get snatched up only a day or so after I deleted my blog. If these people hated me so much then how would they know? And I know it's them because someone has told me. I know I've mentioned taking legal action in the past and never went anywhere with it but at that time I had a lot more going on that took precedence. I am in a stable place now with people who want to help me so I am going to move forward with this course of action. What has been done to me has impeded my business. That falls under sabotage. I have been stalked and harassed far too much and I am completely done letting people walk all over me. So mark my words, these stalkers will get what's coming to them. As for commissions, I will be opening those back up soon as well. I'm not going to let childish, petty children try and ruin my livelihood anymore.

[the-voice-of-genevra]

I guess I'm Back? Sorry about the breakup.

The first Tumblr account I had was in 2010. It was a place I shared a moderate amount of voice acting content via YouTube links. But overall I utilized the platform for some cosplay hobbies I was into at the time, appreciating the openness and artistic expression that was allowed. That is until 2018, when the site made a stricter content policy which got a lot of my things flagged and taken down, that frankly, weren't even nudity. Most of the images were "suggestive" or "teasing." Not soon after, one of my video posts was flagged for "adult content" because I was narrating a romance scene that used lewd language. I bounced immediately, deleting my account and moving on to greener pastures.

After a three month hospital stay, fighting for my life with Necrotizing Pancreatitis instigated by a gallstone, after surviving full septic shock, after the loss of two organs and the full function of another - I had to reprioritize my entire existence. With a new chronic illness and extremely expensive monthly medical fees, I accepted that cosplay was no longer going to be something I could continue in the way I had.

It took almost an entire year to rebuild the muscle I lost in my hospital stay, where I was on a feeding tube and bed ridden most of the time. It took a entire year to grow back my hair that had fallen out, to be able to manage my new condition of EPI and Type3C Diabetes. Unable to travel or attend conventions, unable to really spend a lot of time sewing or crafting, I dusted off my old microphone that I had used for radio ads and uttered six words on TikTok. BookTok found me, and my new chapter began.

TikTok's algorithm brought me a community of people that genuinely appreciated my voice. It was honestly the only time I have ever felt like my creativity was valued in any way. Cosplay never brought me the joy that Voice Acting has, because my voice doesn't depend on my looks or my youth.

In addition being an avid reader my whole life, having spent a majority of my childhood and young adult life in theater, it only made sense to get into the vocal booth and put my real skills to use.

But alas, it seems TikTok is now gone. And even in the event that it returns, I fear it just won't be the same. It had it's problems, all social media platforms do. But the uniqueness of the sound byte sharing on videos was the thing that helped me grow my account. I made narrations and voice traps that appealed to BookTok and MaskTok. Coplayers and Makeup Artists would lip sync to my audios and brought so much joy to others. People could request for me to make Sapphic versions of popular Male Voices and Audios. I had just started narrating the poetry and quotes of independent authors, cross promoting through my account. There wasn't an ounce of negativity in my experience. My community was diverse and wonderful.

I opened Tumblr a few weeks ago to investigate what has changed and hopefully improved since the great policing event that steered me away. And it seems that Tumblr has not only improved on it's policies but the users are just as engaging as ever. The ability to add Audio is a big plus for me.

My content is different for a platform like this, and it has never been easy to properly distribute quite in the same way as I had on TikTok. But I know there is a huge community of readers, authors, poets, and ASMR fans, that might find the occasional thing I create entertaining. So I'm going to give Tumblr another go.

Hello Tumblr. My name is Genevra and I am a Voice Actor.

[lemon-mint813]

See You Around

tldr

I'm moving to a different blog @iwantsomethingsoft but I will never delete this one because the memories and people here are still things I hold dear. If you've moved on from fandom or have a blog that's not fandom related I'd love to follow you and stay in each other's circles. Thank you for everything, and I wish you all the best in whatever comes next for you 💖

Long ass section

Sigh. This has been really difficult to come to terms with, and the way my time in this fandom is ending is something I've never experienced before. I've also never had a fandom experience as intense, painful, wonderful, inspirational, stressful, joyful, devastating, and love filled as this one. There's a lot of things I'm trying not to regret about these past few years, but one thing I don't regret is a single second of time spent in this community. The good and the bad. It was all worth it to have what I needed when I needed it, and to have met the most incredible people because of it.

This little corner of the internet, this specific little bubble of tumblr, has been so lovely to be a part of. I'm sad I wasn't as active here near the end. I think I took this space for granted and forgot to appreciate it the way it deserved to be. And what's funny is, my time here on this blog doesn't feel as tainted as everything else because the good memories made here were purely due to the community and nobody else. The only reason I need to leave is I need to be separate from everything connected to the mcyt fandom right now, and that includes this blog.

You all have no idea how much I treasured seeing you pop up in my notifs or when I scrolled by you on my dash. Even those I never spoke to, just existing side by side has been truly a pleasure. I hope that one day we can cross paths again. And whether we do or not, I will always look back on my time here and the people here with endless fondness and appreciation.

If you follow me you know I'm quite dramatic. And emotional. And over the top. So I had to leave you with one last essay pouring my heart out. I don't want the last things on this blog to be negative things so I wanted to pour some love out there instead. If you take nothing else away from this, please take away that you are loved. More than you know.

If you have a non fandom blog and I miss you when I go through my following, pls dm me. I want to keep in touch. I'll keep an eye on my messages here for the next couple of days. And who knows. Maybe I'll come back. Maybe I'll log back in just to scroll my dash and see what people are up to. Or to comb through the memories when they don't hurt as much to look at. But until then, thank you. Thank you for being so welcoming, and willing to share your space, your incredible creations, and your pictures and edits and clips and silly thoughts. Thank you for just being kind in my tags and inbox. It truly brought me joy.

Good luck in whatever you do next. I'm rooting for you.

[rphelperblog]

Cress Book Quote Rp Meme

book three in the LC series by Marissa Meyer- feel free to edit quotes or change pronouns for rp purposes

“I promise, I will not let you die without being kissed.”

“Don’t tell me it took you two whole days to realize that you are in love with me. I must be losing my touch.”

“You can help me pick out a tiara when we’re done saving the world.”

“Right. I’m sure that poor etiquette is the number one reason for most failed revolutions.”

"I know you can hear me. I'm sorry my friend is such a wing nut. You can just ignore him."

"Do you think it was destiny that brought us together?"

"It starts with kidnapping the groom."

"The sky is gorgeous, intense blue color."

“Have you given any thought to your wedding vows?”

“Delete anything that has to do with love, respect, or joy, and I’ll sign on the dotted line.”

“I believe it is the mark of a great leader to question the decisions that came before him.”

“It turns out you are worth a lot of money on the black market.”

"Do you ever think before you speak?"

“Maybe great, epic romances don't just happen. We have to make them ourselves.”

“Wow, when you research, you really research, don't you?”

“So I’m going there, and I’m going to start a revolution.”

“If you honestly believe that then you really don't recognize true value when you see it.”

"Oh. Um. In a constellation, the brightest star is called the alpha. I thought maybe you meant that she's…like…your brightest star.

“Maybe there isn’t such a thing as fate. Maybe it’s just the opportunities we’re given, and what we do with them. I’m beginning to think that maybe great, epic romances don’t just happen. We have to make them ourselves.”

“You know, when I was a kid, I was tricked into thinking that princesses wore tiaras and hosted tea parties. Now that I've met a real princess, I must say, I'm kind of disappointed.”

"Is she blushing? She sounds like she's blushing."

"That is the best idea ever. Count me in.”

"Can we get back to these soldiers that are being rounded up, please?"

“Could you describe all those threats again because I feel like I missed something.”

"Very wanted criminal of me too.”

"Are you having a mental breakdown right now?”

"Maybe there's a little bit of a hero in me after all. But… really. Only a little.”

“Yeah, hold that thought while I go disable the speaker system.”

“Oh, for all the stars."

“Never underestimate the stealth of a criminal mastermind.”

"I prefer damsel in distress,"

“You’re not looking.”

“We are experiencing a level-one security breach and all elevators have been temporarily shut down. Please enjoy a hot cup of tea while we wait for clearance.”

“Oh, yeah, she’s great. I mean, half the people in the world want to kill her and the other half want to chain her to a throne on the moon, which is just what she’s always wanted. So she’s fantastic.”

“You know, if it was a bad kiss, you can just say so.”

“Everyone is trying to impress everyone else. Trying to make themselves out to be smarter or more confident than they actually are.”

I hate to break this to you, but I am sweaty and itchy and haven't brush my teeth in two days. This just isn't a good time for romance.”

“I like to maintain an air of mystery.”

“That’s not at all what I … Wait. Did you think it was a bad kiss?”

“We were going to die, you know.”

“Because the palace walls have been bleeding for years, and no one else sees it.”

“Don't try to push your swoony psychodrama on me.”

“It would be like those epic love affairs that exploded into existence and burned white hot for all eternity. The type of love that time and distance and death couldn't seperate”

“All right, damsel. Send over those coordinates.”

"I think I am in love with you."

“Maybe there isn’t such a thing as fate. Maybe it’s just the opportunities we’re given, and what we do with them.”

“We are obviously soul mates. Now please, stand up.”

“You’ve probably told lots of girls you loved them.”

“Well, yeah, but I would have reconsidered if I’d known you were going to hold it against me.”

“It was kind of nice to know that they were both wrong."

“For my next trick, I will win a staring contest with the moron in orange sunglasses.”

“Good. Because I need you. And those are not words that I throw around every day.”

“Although. . . somehow, I always pictured the princess . . . I don't know. In a dress.”

“She was a girl. A living girl, smart and sweet and awkward and unusual, and she was worth far more than they could ever realize.”

“I serve my princess. No one else.”

“I am not happy with this turn of events."

“Well, it’s annoying and we’re running out of time. Come on.”

"You'd rather take your chances with her?"

“Then stop going comatose on me!”

“He’s just gone inside to be heroic. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know you’re here. I believe he’s under the impression that you’re out in space somewhere.”

“It always came back to love. More than freedom, more than acceptance—love. True love, like they sang about in the second era. The kind that filled up a person's soul. The kind that lent itself to dramatic gestures and sacrifices. The kind that was irresistible and all-encompassing.”

“I just needed some time to figure out who I was … am.”

"Because if I'd ruined that for you, I was going to feel like such a cad.”

“I can’t let anyone else die,”

“What do you suggest? You clearly know all about this political revolution stuff, so please enlighten me, O wrinkled one.”

“The only way through this is to fight.”

“She deserved it, the snake. After keeping my little golden bird locked up in her cage for so long.”

“I just think I’m not the best person to demonstrate all the goodness humanity has to offer. I don’t want you to be too disappointed when you realize that.”

“That you’re lonely, and I’m irresistible?”

“He did, in fact, look like a romance hero, all muscles and edges and chiseled bone structure. He also looked miserable.”

“Our country was built on a foundation of equality and togetherness, not prejudice and hatred.”

“When Rapunzel saw the prince, she fell over him and began to weep, and her tears dropped into his eyes”

No more secrets. I don't know if I can survive any more big reveals from you, so if you have anything else to tell me, out with it. Right now."

this is sweet, but aren’t I the first guy you’ve ever met? Come on, up you go.”

“She would have freedom, and friendships, and purpose. And she would be with him.”

“Because if there was one thing she knew about heroes, it was that they could not resist a damsel in distress. And she was nothing if not in distress.”

“Love. It always came back to love. More than freedom, more than acceptance—love. True love, like they sang about in the second era. The kind that filled up a person’s soul. The kind that lent itself to dramatic gestures and sacrifices. The kind that was irresistible and all-encompassing.”

I'm almost afraid to ask, Your Majesty."

“As it turned out, being human was every bit as much fun as she'd always thought it would be.”

[wisteria-lodge]

Do you have any advice on how to find a dream? Or at least something you don't hate doing? Not to overdisclose or trauma dump, but I'm a 23 year old who's been taking care of my disabled abusive mother since I was 15 and raising my younger siblings since before that (youngest is currently 14), so I think I've lost the ability to fantasize and dream about things that I want because this has been my life for so long and it's not going to change anytime soon. I've tried getting other people around us and the government to help and there are tons of promises and never any follow through from any parties, so I'll keep doing it because I have to and it won't get done otherwise.

That's not the relevant part though, just background for my real question. I try and think about what I would like my life to be like in the future and what I would like to be able to do, but all I can think of is just "not this." I'd like to be able to have goals and plans and even just silly fantasies again, but I don't really know how anymore?? I was a very imaginative and creative child and I had a new plan and great goal for my life every week and now I just feel worn down and like that part of me kind of shriveled up without nurturing. I want to learn how to access it again because it brought me joy and I want something to look forward to when I finally escape this situation. No pressure to answer, I know that what I'm sharing can be stressful and A Lot to even think about, let alone answer, you just always give good advice and considerate answers. You can delete this message if it's upsetting to you or if you just don't want to answer though. Thank you!

(Btw I'm a bird primary lion secondary in SHC. I don't think this question or situation has a ton to do with SHC at all, but that info is there if you want it or need it.)

I've never been in a situation nearly as extreme as yours. But I guess I have been trapped, ground down, not able to picture the future. Cut off from myself. And thinking about your ask brings me back, a little. At least I can tell you what helped me.

I think it's important to think about leaving, and get specific. Doesn't have to be something you'd actually do. Doesn't have to be legal. Doesn't have to be something that takes the feelings of the other people in your life into account. Just has to be possible. Just has exist, so at the back of your mind you get a little of that power back. If I ever actually really had to.

And it sounds corny, but freakin' dream diary really did do a lot for me. I started to see some pretty obvious symbols and patterns, that gave me to permission write about (and give weight to) things that before were taboo to even acknowledge. I feel a similar way about Tarot cards. The pretty pictures facilitate having conversations with yourself, when the other avenues to your creative mind are closed off (god mine were so closed off...) I think they're both strategies to force yourself to give your inner world more importance.

And I did keep a list of anything that made my soul happy. Little things. Dumb things, that I wanted to do someday. But they're seeds, and the important thing is to just keep collecting them. I also watched Supernatural, and I've written elsewhere about why I think that show in particular helped me. But... the exercise of carving out time to do something that had no utility, that was just a thing I liked and that was it. That helped too.

I know you don't feel young. I know you feel as old as space and time. You've been a full-time caregiver, and you've been a full-time parent, and no 15 year old in the world is equipped to do those things, or should be asked to do them. But you are young, and things do change, I promise. Things always change. In four years all your siblings will be legal adults, that'll take some weight off at least.

I think the story for you is Cinderella. She was too beat down for a dream too. Literally all she wanted was to go to a ball for a night, to feel like a person again. But going to that ball left her with one glass shoe, one part of the magic that didn't go away. It's beautiful, and impractical, and fragile, but it's also what's keeping her grounded. And if she keeps hold of that one shoe, and doesn't let it shatter, the dream that fits will eventually find her.

One day, that song that squeezes into your heart (for me, "Autoclave" by the Mountain Goats, and "Human" by Christina Perri) will stop meaning anything to you. That will be a good day.

[sukunasun]

omg i can't believe you lost all your works? that's devastating! i'm so so sorry that happened. how many months or years' worth of work was it, or do you have a ballpark figure of what's missing? i mourn the drafts we won't get to see because you're an insanely talented writer, but im utterly grateful you still choose to continue. you're such an inspiration.

i basically reenacted the burning of the library of alexandria. there were about 190+ pieces of writing (inclusive of hcs, fics, and asks,etc...) all gone so quickly i barely had time to process it.

before i went finding links and copies from reblogs, i was contemplating whether it'd be worth it since there was a lot to find and it'll take up so much time just searching for them but thankfully most of it is on my masterlist now! there were a few that i just couldn't find reblogs of / cached copies so i suppose they're orphaned work now :( hopefully i'll stumble upon them some day and will be able to link them again.

but i've come to accept it so there are no hard feelings, the grief isn't going to linger and i think the situation helped to bring some focus back to my writing and how it has changed overtime. i get to see the ways which ive improved or lacked. plus, it brought me back to the purpose behind wanting to share my writing in the first place? pre-deletion i got really nervous and felt pressured when it came to posting stuff because i didn't know what reactions i would get, there was this 'underrated writer' stigma looming around me and i was concerned about 'getting my stuff out there'—which isn't how i want to feel when it comes to doing this, i like the interaction and i like when i see my work inspiring people and garnering such positivity but at the same time posting these works was always just about wanting to share thoughts and to write the kind of stuff i want to read about.

and i think im less hard on myself, it sucks being a tortured artist...there are works i keep to myself that i'm not ready to share because im so infuriated with my own inabilities and lacklustre ways, i read them and i think to myself what the hell am i doing? do i really think to call myself a writer? thus the works posted here will render some 'detachment' from me because i know they aren't mine anymore. they become someone else's piece of favourite writing or they're most hated, once i know its out there...it'll be seen and known, it'll exist as something tangible. which is why i feel less upset about 'losing' them after they got deleted, in a way, i was already prepared to let them go. this isn't to say that i don't cherish them but that i've learned that i'll write more stuff anyway and i'll write til i can do it no longer.

when i think about my favourite writers, i'm glad i've gotten to see some of their unfinished works and drafts, their letters and their poems too, all the stuff they probably never wanted the world to see but without them i wouldn't have seen a person who struggles the same way i do.

thank you for mourning them, they were pieces that have brought me a lot of joy and i hope my future work continues to mean something to you 💛

[acrobaticcatfeline]

It's so interesting to me the amount of people who didn't know about it. They could've been there the whole time and they weren't. They just didn't know. Didn't understand.

I remember that morning seeing the notification from them both. This weird unus annus thing. I didn't think much of it, but I loved them both a lot so I subscribed.

I didn't even watch the whole video until later bc I had school. I got home and I watched those very first videos. First mark, then Ethan. And then the official first video. Unus annus.

And then cooking with sex toys. Will never forget that whiplash. The amount I cried laughing at it.

I made friends that year that had found out about ua part way through. I still haven't really had a friend that was there the entire 365 days that I was. I wish I did.

But also I think that's the joy of it you know ? I don't have someone who had the same experience. I don't have someone who watched every single video. I just have me. And I have the memories and the stories and the warmth of that time.

I have the magic of the thing that kept me alive that year. I have the journal I'm scared to write in. I have the hoodies I'm scared to damage. I have the poster I'm scared to hang up. I have the shirts I'm afraid of wearing. I have the Funko's I'm scared of unboxing. The memories in those things, I can't replace them. I'll never be able to have something like these again and it's terrifying. I want to keep these forever, I want them to stay whole as pieces of me.

Theres no way I can explain to you the meaning unus annus brought to my life. I can't begin to explain how empty the rest of 2020 was without it. I can't explain the vivid memory of watching brick soccer with my dad while we were taking a study break.

I can't explain the way it felt when I sat in one spot for 12 hours watching every single second of that ending Livestream 2 years ago. I had it open on my phone, my computer, and my tablet. I wasn't going to miss a second of it. And I didn't.

I have screenshots on my computer of every single video from unus annus posted on the channel before it was deleted.

There's no way I can properly articulate the way that they saved my life. At the worst time in my entire life they saved me. They made me feel like I wasn't alone. And I will never be able to thank them the way I want to. But this is a start.

Nothing will ever be unus annus. I wouldn't want it to be though. Unus annus is something that will live on in my memory for the rest of my life. It was just a silly YouTube channel. From beginning to end. But it's the most important thing that I've ever been a part of.

Memento mori. Unus annus. Today marks 3 years since the channel began. Cheers.

[swanqueensalad]

salad your reblogs are making me so sad. how do you think regina talks with emma and henry about daniel? since he’s such an important part of her life and i’m sure she still loves him a lot. (and i love the way you’re handling the topic in after the end even though i need to catch up on the last few chapters)

awww man

here's something i could cry about for hours

i think it's clear regina doesn't really talk about daniel. it's very difficult for her, but he very much lives in her heart and her memory and i 100% agree, she still has this infinite source of love for him

i also do think it's interesting that emma is one of the very few people in canon that regina has actually spoken about daniel to - in fact she's the only person who wasn't there/involved (like snow and cora) that she can speak about him to. having emma witness his death through her memory in the dream catcher was huge (and there's that amazing deleted scene from 5b where emma gently suggests regina go and find daniel's grave)

it just goes to show how regina truly trusts emma with every bit of her heart and her hurt

so emma has always been aware of what happened and very respectful of that, and the subject only comes up when necessary/at regina's control

once emma and regina are finally together and more settled, regina feels safe and happy enough in their quiet moments at home to more casually bring him up in a more positive light - when horse riding comes up or something else that reminds her of him - and it's a little easier, if bittersweet

i think henry is very curious about this man who gave him his middle name and started his mom's journey, but again he wouldn't ask unless regina brought it up because he knows it's still painful.

one night the three of them are having a cosy family night, maybe playing games or watching movies together, maybe emma and regina have had a glass of wine, and daniel comes up somehow and henry asks what he was like. and regina gets talking and tells him - a slightly watered down version - of the whole story.

(henry knows she's softening it a little for his sake and he loves her for that)

emma watches and listens quietly. it hurts her to think of how much pain regina went through when she was young, but she loves hearing her talk about the nice parts. emma has this deep-down respect and love for this boy she never met, for loving regina before she could, for giving her her first taste of joy and freedom. (she is silently grateful to him, and hopes she's making him proud too, carrying on what he started.)

that night, after henry's gone to bed, emma asks if regina's ok and she says she actually is, that it was strangely nice to talk about it. emma promises she will always be there to listen, and confesses that she feels this slight connection to him. (this makes regina tear up, even if she pretends it's just allergies. she cuddles emma pretty tight that night)

he still doesn't come up often, but when he does it's sweet, and henry and emma really appreciate it.

(also thank you bestie! all my feelings about stable queen in canon are kind of being adapted and expressed to a lil extent in after the end, so i'm really glad you're appreciating that!)

[lokiondisneyplus]

Holy crap. Look at Kate Herron's shirt. When the Loki director pops up on Zoom, she's donning the most glorious image anyone will see since we laid eyes on Alligator Loki: A Teletubby wearing the Loki horns. Are the Teletubbies Loki variants? Sure, why not!

"I got it on Instagram," Herron says. "There's an amazing comic book artist and he designed it. He made it into a T-shirt for me because I saw it and was like, 'That's incredible. Can I get it for the press junket?'"

Herron, no big deal, just pulled off an MCU miracle. Entering a mammoth franchise with, notably, some of Sex Education's best episodes under her belt, the director deftly brought a plot involving multiverses and Richard E. Grant in a cape and superhero mumbo-jumbo to brilliant, beautiful life. Following Loki's tear-jerking, mind-bending finale, the series has been dubbed by critics and fan's alike as one of Marvel's best efforts—which is no small feat. Of course, we needed to ask Herron how she stuck the landing. Following the most epic finale you, me, or any Teletubby can remember, Herron talked to Esquire about the Miss Minutes jump scare, filming the finale's introduction of He Who Remains, and why she won't return for Season Two of Loki.

ESQ: How are you doing?

KH: I'm good. I think I feel very relieved that I don't have to sit on the secret of He Who Remains anymore, It was a very big secret to hold, but for an important reason, right? Because it's such a good character to be launching. So yeah, I feel good.

ESQ: Loking back at your old interviews, you have such a good poker face when you're avoiding spoilers, but you're also incredible at giving aggregator crumbs.

KH: I play a lot of board games, so you need to be quite good at strategy and poker faces so people can't always read your hand. So I think weirdly board games have prepared me more for working with Marvel than anything else.

ESQ: I have to start with the Miss Minutes jump scare. What went into the decision to make her a memeable, creepy apparition in that moment?

KH: I love horror, and my executive, Kevin Wright, knew that. Me and him were talking about Episode Six and I remember that he was like, "Oh, maybe you could do something creepy of Miss Minutes." And I immediately was like, "We have to do a jump scare!" Because I haven't got to do a good jump scare in anything yet and I really wanted to, because a lot of my friends are horror directors. I was like, "I can't let them down." So I was really excited to have a shot at doing a jump scare. And Miss Minutes, it was really fun testing it because we'd kind of bring different people into the edit, me and Emma McCleave, the editor, and we'd just play it for them, watch them, and check that they were jumping when we cut it.

ESQ: One thing that I think is getting missed in all the craziness is that we see a peak moment of the love story between Loki and Sylvie. Where does the finale leave the companionship that they found in each other?

KH: When I started the show, that was always in the DNA of it—that Loki was going to meet a version of himself and they were going to fall in love. And that's honestly what drew me into the story, because I directed Sex Education. I love stories about self-love and finding your identity and your people. Loki is such a broken character when we join him, and seeing him go on this amazing journey with all this growth and finding the good points of himself in seeing her—I think that was very beautiful. It's also paying respect to the fact that Sylvie's in a very different place to him. She hasn't had the Mobius therapy session. She even says, in Episode Five, "I don't know how to do this. I don't have friends." You really feel for her because she has been on the run and her whole life has been this mission.

It's almost funny because these characters are thousands of years old, but it's almost teenage the way they both talk about their feelings for each other. I think everyone can relate to that, right? In any new relationship, there's always that kind of awkwardness and like, "Oh God, am I too keen? The important thing was the hope—like when Sylvie and him kiss, I think it is genuine and it is coming from a place of these feelings they have for each other. Obviously she does push them through that door, but for me it was a goodbye and it was with heart. But it's kind of a goodbye in the sense of like, I care about you, but I'm going to do my mission because that's where I'm at.

ESQ: I would pay for you to direct the Sex Education episode where Otis falls through a portal into the multiverse, into the main MCU.

KH: He really looks like a Loki as well, which is so funny. I always thought that. I was like Asa does look like a Loki. It didn't come to pass or anything, but it would be interesting to do a Sex Ed-Marvel crossover. I wonder who all the different characters would be within the MCU, but it would be quite funny.

ESQ: You're right, he could pull off a teenage Loki.

KH: Yeah, like a teen or a very young ’20s, maybe. But it was just funny because I was like, "Oh yeah, he looks a bit like Tom." I wonder how they could do it. I'm sure they'll find a way to do a crossover anyway.

ESQ: Can you just take me back to filming with Jonathan Majors? And you capturing him in such a compelling, quirky, scary way—I'm sure your direction was such a big part of that.

KH: I was just so excited because Jonathan is an actor that everyone was so excited about. He's like a chameleon in everything he does and he's so talented. I just feel as a director so lucky to have worked on this because I feel like I've got to work with some of the best actors out there. And when you're with Jonathan, you know you're in the presence of just someone really magnificent. For me as a director, it's giving him the space to play and feel safe. Because we filmed it all in a week, but it was a lot to film in a week. So I think it was really about creating a space where he could have fun and find this character because he's going to be playing him for a long time.

ESQ: What went into the decision to introduce us to the good guy first?

KH: I remember in the script, he comes up the elevator and it was so casual. I was like, "Oh man, that's so fun." And then Jonathan, when he plays it, he's relaxed. And I the thing he used to talk about a lot was that this is a character who's been on his own for a long time. Because at the beginning, we introduced him in a space in the universe that feels like this very busy, loud place, but actually, when we see the Citadel, he's surrounded by the Timeline and he's very isolated. Even in his costume with [designer] Christine Wada, for the idea of his outfit, he's a character who's existed for multiple millennia. So it's like, OK, let's pull from lots of different places so you can't necessarily pin down which time or which place he might be from. Also the fact that his clothes look comfy. They were like pajamas because he's living at home. He loved the idea of the office [being] the only finished part of the citadel and that the rest of the citadel was like this Sunset Boulevard kind of dusty, dilapidated space. And just again showed that he probably just keeps himself to his office. All those elements definitely fed into Jonathan's performance in terms of balancing the extrovert, but also the introvert of someone that would be living by themselves and only talking to a cartoon clock.

ESQ: It really is incredible how you pull a nail-biting finale with this battle of wits and dialogue.

KH: It was really exciting because I feel like Episode Five was a lot of fun because we got to play into all the joy of the different versions of Loki, but also just the fact that it was our big usual Marvel third act, right? Like it was where our big spectacle was as they were fighting this big monster. But I love that our finale bookends, right? We began with a conversation and we ended with one.

ESQ: I also loved that there was no end-credits scene—I think it makes the ending that much more impactful. Was there ever an end credit scene on the table, or any kind of a stinger?

KH: I think no, because weirdly, we never went after the kind of mid-credit sequences. I think we always just were thinking just of the story and where we knew we wanted it to end. For example, Episode Four, originally Loki was deleted and then we went straight to him waking up. And it was only in the edit I was like, “I think it'd be really cool actually. We should move that scene to mid-credits because then we'll really feel like Loki has died." Because if I watched that moment and then it went to the credits, I'd be like, "What?!" And then when we were talking about the best way to talk about Season Two, we were like, "Okay, well, let's do that like a little mid-credits at the end because that is exciting to confirm it in that way." I'd say we found both of those in the edit just because we wanted to kind of do it right and have a fun nod to something that Marvel does so well.

ESQ: Is there anything you can tell about the future of the story you've told here—or even where you personally would like to go with the studio or otherwise going forward?

KH: Yeah, so I'm just on for Season One. So I'm so proud of the story we told. I mean, it was amazing getting to set up the TVA and take Loki on this whole new journey. And I mean, I think we've left so much groundwork for his character, and as people see in the comics, there's so much more to be delved into. And I just am excited honestly to just see where all the characters go. Like, who is B-15? What did she see in those memories and where did Ravonna go and where is Loki? I think for me, we've set up these questions and I look forward to seeing them being answered as a fan in the next season.

ESQ: Absolutely. Well, can we please work on the Asa Butterfield Loki?

KH: I will call him and I'll be like, "You want to do some crazy Marvel crossover?"

[galvanizedfriend]

The thing about waiting a month for an update is really unfair for the ones that are constantly giving you all the support. I mean, i will support any decisions you'll make for sure but although you didn't ask for opinions I'm gonna say i really don't like the idea of waiting a month. Personally, i tend to forget a lot of things and this happens specially with fics, waiting that long (cause an update once a month is looong) now that we are getting close to the end will kill me. I totally understand your point of view and you are not the first author i see talking about how the things here in tumblr have changed, but for the ones that are really trying to get you no only the recognition you deserve but also tones of love and support with the story, well, is kinda sad. And i get it's not about us (although i make it sound like it is so im sorry lol) cause i know you certainly care for us, but still, waiting a month specially with all those cliffhangers? 😂 Of course i will wait if i had to but i rather not wait that long, i think an update every 15 days if more than perfect, but again, it's your decision and you should do whatever makes you happy and confident with your work.

The thing with the Wolf is that this universe is really important for all of us, this has become huge in our lives and at this point i consider it a masterpiece (yes, masterpiece), honestly this is one of the few stories I'm constantly reading over a over again.

The problem is tumblr? yes, but please don't consider deleting it, for some of us (and i mean me) this is the only way we can make close contact with our favorites author, and in my case is you and it will make me really sad if one day all of that is gone. You have to realized that you are a really important part of our lives now (want it or not lol) cause all the joy and happiness your work bring us, and we want somehow to give you that back, and the way we can make that is thanks to tumblr and the communication it allows us with you. So yep, i will always be grateful for all that you have brought to this fandom, literally all the dreams we had have become true because of your stories and i will be forever in debt with you for that, for all those moments you gave us that i keep really close to my heart ❤

I don't feel like waiting a month either, anon! 😂 Taking almost a whole year to complete this story is something that gives me the chills just thinking about it. Because it is being written as though it were a season of the show, the ideal for me would be to update it once a week, but I understand that I can't expect people to keep up with that and because these chapters are so long, I'd rather give people more time to read than kind of pile up a bunch of chapters on people to the point it would make people uninterested.

But I just want to make it as comfortable as possible for the readers. For me, it doesn't really make much of a difference because the story is written. I might edit the chapters a bit, rewrite one or two paragraphs, but it's basically done. So it's really about the readers. If it turns out people don't want more than a chapter a month, then, you know... 😂 So it's good to know more people prefer the 10 to 15 days time frame, because that's honestly as far as I personally think it can go. More than that and I'm sure I'll start to drift off. lol

So, you know, I didn't ask, but I welcome opinions on that from anybody who feels like sharing. So appreciate your message!

I really do like tumblr as a way to keep in touch with people and there are so many great fandom initiatives all around, I get SUPER DISTRACTED by the pretty gifs (I’m a girl of simple pleasures!), but if I say it doesn't bring me down hard sometimes, I'll be lying. 😂 The anxiety and the pressure is almost kind of inevitable sometimes, and I'm sure many people feel the same way. It's nobody's fault, obviously, it's a personal thing, but if it gets to a point where it becomes too much, I might feel like taking a step back.

It's not the case now, though. I took a day off yesterday and now I'm here distracting myself from elections anxiety in my country, so it's all cool. 😂😂 I’m glad I have some asks to answer.

Thank you so much for this really sweet message, anon. ❤️❤️ I've said it countless times before, but writing this fic has been the thing that kept me sane this year. With so much crap happening and the pandemics and some personal problems, both because of the pandemic and not, I would've definitely flipped if I hadn't found something to keep me grounded and distracted. I plunged into writing this like never before, got SUPER involved with the second season, even more so than the first, so I am both grateful to the people who have read it, who have shared their thoughts with me, who have left me comments, who have showed their appreciation in any way and have followed me here and kept up with this process, because that kept me motivated to keep going and I really, really needed that. So thank you!

[bangtanfan]

How Black Swan helped me get back my lost passion

When I was in first grade I wrote my first poem. When I was in third grade I wrote my first story. That's when I fell in love with writing.

I would write every single day. I would stay up until 3-4 am just writing and I loved every single thing about it. I loved writing and I loved what I wrote.

I kept that passion fired up until late in high school when I discovered a website where you can share your stories. I was excited because for so long I was the only one who read my stories. I was excited to share it to people and to have positive feed back. I was so sure I can do it because to me, my stories were great! But it didn't turn out the way I wanted to.

Months passed, I have published 20+ chapters of my stories but there were less than 100 views. There were no comments either. That to me was a failure. I realized that I wasn't as good as I thought I was but that didn't stop me from writing.

I would bring my stories to school, working on them during breaks and even letting my classmates read them. Until one day, while my classmate was reading one of my stories, hw returned my notebook back to me and said that he didn't feel like reading it anymore because it was boring. That was when I started to really doubt myself.

Am I really good at it? Or do I just think that way? For a teenager these comments really hurt a lot. It's something that I loved dearly and something I was really really proud of so when they told me it was boring I was really discouraged.

It didn't help that I still wasnt getting reads on my stories that I published online. It came to the point where I reread all of my chapters to check for grammatical errors or just any mistake. I thought maybe if I wrote it 'perfectly' then people would start to appreciate it.

It went on like that for years. I wrote with perfection in mind. The first thing that I ask myself when I write is if people would like it.

I was still unsuccessful. I was also slowly writing less and less. There was no satisfaction anymore. I felt like there was no point because nobody liked them anyway.

Then came college. It was busier this time. I had no more time for anything other than studying. So I stopped writing altogether. I had 10+ stories that I put on hold.

I busied myself with other things. I wrote my thoughts on paper but I no longer wrote stories. Sometimes the urge to write again would come but every time I open a new notebook I would just stare at it not knowing what to do. It was sad because I realized that the one thing that brought me joy before doesn't bring me happiness anymore. I felt nothing. Then I felt scared.

I was scared when I realized that I was losing my passion. I was no longer the young ambitious girl who stays up all night making worlds and creating characters. I was no longer passionate about writing. I felt so lost because for so long that to me was my identity. I was a writer. Was.

But I just let it go because like I said I was busy with other things.

Until that day when I was reviewing for the board exams. I looked over to the notebooks that I haven't opened in years and I just cried because I remembered what I really wanted to do. I wanted to write. I didn't want to become an accountant I wanted to become a writer but I thought that was impossible because I no longer felt happy.

I was scared because I lost that feeling. I was scared and I was desperately trying to find her, that ambitious girl filled with excitement and fired up with passion but I can't seem to find her anymore.

I wondered, is there anybody out there who felt the same? Is there anyone out there who knows how I feel or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

A couple of days later Black Swan by BTS came out. They were talking about the same things that was going in my head. They were talking about their fears of waking up one day and not liking what they were doing anymore. It was sad. Sad but relatable because that's exactly what I'm feeling!

I felt understood. I felt comforted know that somewhere someone knows how I am feeling. I'm not making a big deal out of it because it is a big deal. It's a genuine fear and it's valid. I wasn't alone.

I took a couple days off after that. I spent some days just contemplating. One question kept me up at night: Why did you start writing anyway? The answer is simple: I loved it.

I started writing because I loved writing. It made me happy when I finish a story. It makes me happy when I start a new story. I love the freedom that it gave me. I loved that everyday, it was a new journey for me. I was happy.

I realized that by putting other people's opinions first when I am writing, I am throwing away that freedom that it gives me.

After that, I deleted all of the works I posted online. I promised myself that I'll start writing again but this time I will write for my own satisfaction. I will write what I want to write not what people want to read. I will write for myself.

I've been slowly writing again. It's still not as much as before but it's a start. This time I'm no longer censoring myself. I no longer think of whether people will like it or not. I feel free.

Honestly, if it wasn't for that song I probably wouldn't have started writing again. I would've thought that it was not a big deal and that it's natural to let go of your childhood dreams as you grow older. But the truth is we dont have to give those dreams up right?

Tldr; Black Swan made me realize that the fear of losing your passion is a true fear but we can get over it as long as we remember why we started doing what we we're doing.

[Intro: Jimin]

Do your thang

Do your thang with me now

Do your thang

Do your thang with me now

What’s my thang?

What’s my thang? Tell me now

Tell me now

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Verse 1: Suga]

Ayy, the heart no longer races

When hearing the music play

Tryna pull up

Seems like time has stopped

Oh, that would be my first death

I been always afraid of

[Verse 2: RM]

If this can no longer resonate

No longer make my heart vibrate

Then like this may be how I die my first death

But what if that moment’s right now, right now?

[Pre-Chorus: V, Jimin]

Heartbeat pulsing slow in my ears bump, bump, bump

Try to flee but back into the maw jump, jump, jump

No song affects me anymore

Crying out a silent cry

[Chorus: All]

Ocean with all light silenced shut yeah, yeah, yeah

My wandering feet held in a rut yeah, yeah, yeah

Every noise and sound's been cut yeah, yeah, yeah

Killin’ me now, killin’ me now

Do you hear me? Yeah

Sinking slowly like in a trance, nah, nah, nah

Struggle but it's all ocean floor nah, nah

Every moment becomes eternity, yeah, yeah, yeah

Film it now, film it now

Do you hear me? Yeah

[Refrain: Jimin, V]

Do your thang

Do your thang with me now

Do your thang

Do your thang with me now

What’s my thang?

What’s my thang? Tell me now

Tell me now, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Verse 3: J-hope]

Deeper

Yeah, I think I’m goin’ deeper

I keep losing focus

No, just let go of me

Let my own feet carry me

I'll go in myself

In the deepest depths

I saw myself

[Verse 4: Suga]

Slowly, I open my eyes

I'm in my workroom, it's my studio

The waves

Go darkly by in a throe

But I'll never get dragged away again

Inside I saw myself, myself

[Pre-Chorus: V, Jin]

Heartbeat racing in my ears bump, bump, bump

Eyes wide open into my forest jump, jump, jump

Nothing can devour me

I shout out with ferocity

[Chorus: All]

Ocean with all light silenced shut yeah, yeah, yeah

My wandering feet held in a rut yeah, yeah, yeah

Every noise and sound's been cut yeah, yeah, yeah

Killin’ me now, killin’ me now

Do you hear me? Yeah

Sinking slowly like in a trance nah, nah, nah

Struggle but it's all ocean floor nah, nah

Every moment becomes eternity yeah, yeah, yeah

Film it now, film it now

Do you hear me? Yeah

[Outro: Jin, Jungkook]

Do your thang

Do your thang with me now

Do your thang

Do your thang with me now

What’s my thang?

What’s my thang? Tell me now

Tell me now

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[losingmymindtonight]

Hey! I have a silly question. How do you manage to deal with negative comments? I took a seven month hiatus from writing this one story, and finally posted a chapter- and the first comment I got was a long, negative one. I'm just really dissapointed, honestly.

First of all, this isn’t a silly question at all. Dealing with unwanted criticism is, without a doubt, the worst part of posting fanfiction. I’m really, really sorry that you got such a demoralizing reaction to your new chapter, especially considering the fact that you’d just come off of a break. I don’t know if this helps at all, but I know your url from other asks and comments, and as soon as I saw this in my inbox, I felt comfortable reading it because I’ve only ever known kindness from you.

How do I deal with negative comments? Well, see, the first thing I do is have a breakdown. At this point, some combination of my friends & family are forced to listen to me weep about my lack of talent for an indeterminate amount of time.

And see, I’m mentioning that because I do genuinely think it’s an important part of the process. Seriously: let yourself be upset over it. Don’t think it’s silly or stupid because it’s “just fanfiction” or “just one comment” or anything like that. I can tell you firsthand that getting unwanted criticism hurts, and the tone/approach of most people who leave negative comments is very rarely helpful or productive. It’s just hurtful.

Otherwise, here’s a short list of things I suggest to soothe the sting:

Delete the comment. This is something I’ve only started to do recently, and I’ve been really surprised by how much it helps. Once you’ve deleted it, it’s gone. Bye. I really wish that the AO3 let us block certain users or IP addresses, but in lieu of that, you can remove the immediate problem. It’s freeing to know that the negativity isn’t clogging up your comments section anymore.

Now, read the good comments. Even if you’ve already read them, read them again. And again. Go back to old fics, and read those comments. Remind yourself that your writing has brought genuine joy to a lot of people. That’s worth it, right? That’s always, always worth it.

If it helps relieve your anxiety, turn off anonymous commenting. I’ve noticed that nearly all of the negative comments I get are from anonymous users. Recently, I made the choice to turn off anonymous commenting for all of my fics, and it’s given me a little bit more room to breathe. There’s instructions on how to turn off anonymous commenting here, and instructions on how to edit all of your works here.

Scream into a pillow. Top tip: this tends to work for pretty much any aggravating/depressing experience. Highly recommend.

Do something else. Talk to your friends, play with your pets, bake a cake, do something other than sitting around and brooding. This has two major advantages. One, it distracts you from being sad. Two, it reminds you that there is an entire world outside of the AO3 and those few people who decided to be rude. As one of my creative writing professors says all the time: you are not the story you wrote. Also, you are not somebody else’s opinion of you, and you are certainly not the opinion of a person who’s judging you based off of a fanfiction you wrote.

Take the time you need to feel comfortable with writing again. Don’t feel like you have to jump right back into it to prove a point. And, even if you do want to jump right back into writing, consider giving yourself a break from posting. I recently took quite a long break from actually publishing fic, even though I was writing nearly every day. It gave me the freedom to create whatever the hell I wanted, without the constant fear of what other people may think.

This is a small note, and it should go without saying, but it may be helpful to throw a little “I don’t accept constructive criticism, but thank you for reading!” into your next author’s note. At least for me, it makes me feel better to have stated it. That way, if somebody does leave something negative the comments, I can refer them back to the author’s note. Or, even if I just delete the comment without responding (which is, by the way, the best reaction I’ve found in terms of preserving my mental health), I know that I made my expectations and boundaries clear from the beginning.

Overall, please remember this: you created something, and then you had the bravery to share it with the world, and that is a triumph. That is the most amazing thing you can possibly do. Hold tightly to that self pride. Do whatever you can to stop negativity, whether it comes from yourself or from others, from stealing that away from you. I have never, ever written a piece, whether it’s fanfiction or “original” work, that lives up to the image of it that I had constructed in my head. And you know what? That’s the beauty of writing. We’re constantly chasing the limits of our imagination.

I hope that the next time you share something you’ve created with the world, you’re met with the positivity that both you and your work deserve.