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caspersjournal · 2 years

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The Breakdown of It All

So basically, my partner has quite a past. But so does everyone. The only issue is, my partner, or should I say my husband, seems to allow this past to arise back into our lives. We have been together 10 years, married for almost 3 months and honestly, I love him more than anything in this world and I know he loves me too, in some way. He takes good care of me when we are together and is always looking out for me if I need it. I'm not even sure I know how to explain this all properly, but he has a cheating history of exchanging messages, photos/videos, calls etc with some others and has also physical cheated sexually in the past. The majority of these are with people he has a past with (the past being before us). There have been so many incidents over the years, that I feel has completely fucked me up. I always chose to forgive but never forgot.

I know, it's a toxic kind of situation. We did separate in the new year of 2017 after I found out that he had physically cheated on me whilst back on his home island for his father's birthday, and the separation lasted for almost 3 full years, but we somehow found our way back. He wasn't constantly trying to find hook ups or chats with other guys anymore and he seemed a lot more content whenever we spent time together and so I felt this was a good sign. When I asked what the hell was going on with us, we mutually felt that it was a great time to try again. Now I understand that he had some personal issues within his childhood but surely these issues cannot be the reason he keeps bringing this shit back up into our relationship/lives. I don't want all of it to be a cause for us severing ties between us in any point of the future.

Due to all of this past, I have found it difficult to keep any kind of positive mind set. Since we rekindled just before Christmas 2019, there hasn't been any finds of physical cheating or anything too serious, but I won't say that we have been going strong without any issue because that would be a lie. I find it so difficult to deal with because the love I have for him is so bloody strong. There's no doubt that we have a connection, and we are DEFINATELY meant to be but fuck! My head is constantly in a spin. Thoughts running me into overdrive. Constantly wondering, panicking. Overthinking? Not knowing I can even feel trust anymore. All the times he's been up to no good, i've always trusted my gut. I've had that literal gut feeling. My stomach turns. I was always able to pick up on his actions if they seemed unusual, if something he did or said seemed out of the ordinary. Never once do I ever remember being wrong. Of course I had to do my research and always found the facts to back it up. I could just tell when he was being suss that he was up to something. Although, I heard a phrase today which I feel makes so much sense, and so I will quote it.

"No one knows someone better than the person they live with"

This is ABSOLUTELY spot on!

More so, I am exhausted and tired of battling the struggles in my head and my heart everyday. I have no one to talk to about all of this. My husband is genuinely a lovely guy. He will always help others whenever he feels he can and he is somewhat caring and sweet too. I never want others to hate on him or think bad of him, so therefore I keep everything to myself and attempt daily to battle the struggles I am faced with. I'm not posting here to look for sympathy. That is NOT my intention at all, I promise that. It is merely to release my worries, stresses, any anger I feel building up, which in all honesty, can sometimes be A LOT of all of those. I need to do this for the sake of my own mental health before I spin out of control.

So basically, to short list my issues, I constantly feel insecure, like i'm never going to be enough for him. Even though he's not been acting out of line for a while now. I feel like my trust is all out of wack. I don't allow it to rule my days, but it will be every now and then, thoughts will pop into my head like "Is he with someone else at the house whilst i'm at work?" or "He's working out and about today, or is he with someone else doing fuck knows what?" and i'm having to brush these thoughts over just to get through work to get through my day.

Every day is a damn struggle and worry. Am I being stupid and an absolute moron for this? Or for even feeling that just maybe I cannot fully trust him alone? I feel I sound stupid and crazy for this, but after so many incidents and stunts he's pulled off, and tried to pull off over the last 9 years is madness.

Another quote I heard last week which I will also quote.

"When someone you love deceives you, you're will always find yourself willing, or even thinking about forgiveness. But a time will come when that someone deceives you too many times, and eventually that love and forgiveness will turn into hate and resentment"

I, for one, seriously hope this never becomes onto us! 🖤

#mental health #mentally exhausted #caspers journal

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daceydeath · 2 years

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Gentle Saviour

pairing: bang chan x reader word count: 3k genre: angst and fluff with the barest speck of suggestiveness at the end

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you have always dealt with insecurities and having a family life where your sense of worth is questioned leaves you with issues, good thing you have bang chan and his selfless support of you.

----- a/n: written entirely in lower case. also not totally edited so there may be some grammatical errors but i'm dyslexic so i mess spelling and grammar up sorry.

insecurity was something you had always dealt with. being run into the ground because of what you wanted, asked for or often even how you were made you constantly hyper aware of your flaws. the fact that it was usually at the hands of people you loved, trusted and adored made it all the worse, conditioning you into someone who could rarely ever trust that the people around you or whatever praise they may send your way. it made your relationship with yourself and others more difficult than it ever needed to be often leading to fights, tears and breakdowns. you felt isolated from the happiness you saw around you. resenting those who managed to feel happy with their lives.

meeting chan had only made it harder for you in some ways. He was so kind, so sweet and far too good a person to be wasting his time on you but he did and he always insisted he had no place he would rather be than with you. you had met by accident when he ducked into a small cafe to avoid photographers who were tailing him. looking for a place to sit that was out of the way he plopped himself down into the last table in the back corner half covered by the indoor plants that made the decor seem more homely. not noticing a bag already sitting on one of the chairs that you had left when you went to order your iced honey latte. when you approached the table it had surprised you to find him there but he had quickly apologised a look of guilt crossing his face as he planned where he could next hide. in an unexpected move on your behalf you had invited him to stay where he was you were only going to be reading anyway it didn't matter if there was another person with you. he had thanked you repeatedly his adorable dimples and smile lighting up his face. he seemed nice you had thought before retreating back into your head. when he felt it was safe to leave he did but not without thanking you again and sliding a note into your belongings with his name, a number and an email hopeful you would contact him.

that day had been a little over a year ago and although it had taken you a day to pluck up the courage to text him it had been a fateful decision that had turned your life around. at first it had just been texts back and forth then after a week or so he started calling you which was pleasant, his voice seemed to always melt away the stress you felt in your everyday life. after a month though he finally had some free time to actually catch up with you so you had leapt at the chance to actually see him, even if it was a little strange since all of your contact had been via your phone, he made you feel like you had been friends for years. made you feel safe and cared for and very quickly you had fallen for him.

"what are you thinking about" his voice bringing you back to the present to the quiet park you sat in together "you have been spacing out for a while now are you feeling alright?" he waited for your eyes to meet his before placing the back of his hand on your forehead to check your temperature

"im alright chan i'm just tired" you explained slowly smiling at him and he took his hand back and ran it through his blue hair "mum has just been really hard on me lately and my brother is alway on her side. it gets exhausting to be honest with you" chan furrowed his eyebrows are he frowned he knew you had a hard home life but it was increasingly oblivious that you were struggling more than you ever had

"what is it about this time? if you don't mind me asking that is" chan had always tried to get the details from you without pushing too hard he knew that would make it worse for you and he would never want that besides you were one of the the only people he knew that wasn't in the industry or family he wanted to keep you as close as he could. you gave him perspective, kept him grounded in a way that no one else did you were very special to him.

"just my life decisions nothing i do is ever good enough, my job doesn't pay enough, my education isn't good enough, i'm not smart enough and that i will never be pretty enough to marry well. just the usual really" you explained glumly "it's getting harder for me to ignore it nowadays it's just all the time i can't take much more of it"

"then don't" the blue haired boy exclaimed "come back to the dorm with me. just for the night the boys love you and i can totally stay on the couch or the floor" his quick verbal deluge surprised you. you had never stayed the night with chan you had fallen asleep on his shoulder watching movies before but he always woke you up and made sure you got home safe "on top of that your job isn't permanent you can get another one if you like and you are gorgeous so dating son't be hard for you"

"i can't do that what if someone at the company found out or worse one of those psycho fans of yours" your head was almost spinning at the suggestion you would love to stay at chan's for the night if you were honest you would love to stay with chan forever. he unwittingly had made you fall in love with him so soon after you met that you could never bring yourself to even imagine being with someone else preferring to be alone than with a guy who wasn't him. you were so caught up in the possibility of what could go wrong you had totally missed him calling you beautiful.

"yes you can and you will im not giving you the option tonight. you will come for dinner and a movie and then it will be too late and dangerous for you to go home so you will have to stay. the guys will back me up on this so don't make me call them" he was already texting the group chat to let them know what was happening. you sighed you knew that determined look chan was wearing on his face and it was pretty much impossible for anyone to change his mind once he decided that strongly something.

'ok chan if you're sure it will be ok" you agreed tentatively watching as his phone lit up with endless comments from the boys. felix was already starting on chocolate chip cookies for you all, lee know was asking about your food preferences and jeongin wanted to know what kind of movies you liked. they were darlings all of them and it almost hurt how grateful you were for them. getting to your feet you followed chan back towards the dorm being careful to keep enough space between you that no one could get the wrong idea.

you arrived at the dorm with chan after stopping to pick up a few ingredients that lee know needed for the dinner he had planned it was almost coming together so smoothly that you would have thought they had pre-planned this whole getting you to the dorm thing between them earlier. walking in you were quickly swamped by felix and changbin for cuddles as chan disappeared and while hyunjin made some tea for everyone.

"hyung said that you were having a bad day" seungmin stated quietly handing you a mug of the fesh hot tea

"thank you minnie i am not the best right now" you smiled up at him taking the warm mug in your hands

"do you want to talk about it?" felix whispered cuddling up to your left side

"it's just family stuff lixie i don't want to bore you all" you explained gently as each of the guys sat down around you with cups of tea "this i delicious tea jinnie" you murmured as you savour the flavour of the tea mixed with honey and warm milk

"it's not boring if its upset you" jeongin said as comforting as possible his voice soft and warm as he pouted at you. you thought about it for a moment as you felt several pairs of eyes on you as chan returned from his room and plopped himself down on your right side his arm instantly falling onto the back of the arm behind your head as he placed a black hoodie on your lap

"you said you were cold when we were getting here but since you haven't got anything with you just wear mine" he explained to answer the unsaid question on your lips smiling you detaingled yourself from felix and slipped it over your head. it was easily a few sizes too big for you since chan wore his hoodies on the oversized and baggy side anyway and it made you feel almost shy to be so small in his clothes.

"thanks channie" you whispered almost too quietly to hear feeling quite overwhelmed by the kindness they were all showing you. tears pricked your eyes and you blinked quickly trying to fend them off before any of them noticed even though you knew it was foolish they always noticed.

"nope no tears baby" Han announced as he launched across the coffee table to grab as many skzoos as he could before throwing them at you comedically. you giggled as you were battered around the head by a wolf chan and puppym while a bbokari sailed passed you and his chan in the face "sorry hyung but this is an emergency" he ducked but then continued to thow the plushies until all of them were around you or on you.

"my mother and my brother spend all their time trying to run me down. its getting harder to ignore that's all" you explained looking and the jiniret in your hands "my job isn't good enough, i'm not smart enough, i'm not educated enough and i'm not pretty enough to get a rich husband. which by the way is the stupidest thing i have ever heard i don't want a rich husband, if i ever got married i would want a nice husband not a rich one who even cares that much about money" your frown deepened as you started to vent to the boys around you "besides i don't even date so there isn't going to be a husband" you finished grumbling picking up leebit from the floor and smoothing out the fur. the boys all looked at you with shock then each other and finally chan before all talking over each other

"who cares what job you have you are still young"

"you are way pretty who even says that to their own daughter? you are the prettiest noona"

"your brother is a jerk if he thinks you are stupid, you are super smart"

"your mum really only worries about money?"

"i need to figure out how long to set the air fryer to cook them both!"

"you don't need a rich husband you have us to look after you"

"what do you mean you don't date why not you're so beautiful?

you teared up again but this time out of happiness they all looked so offended on your behalf and you couldn't help but feel loved and cared for by them. it warmed you knowing that these were the type of guys you had befriended these sweet boys who would always try to lift you up and look to help you with anything.

"why don't you date?" chan repeated slowly glossing over the fact that it was the second time today he had called you attractive to your face. you blushed the dark pink quickly racing across your cheeks and down onto your neck.

"there is no one i like" you replied softly hiding your face behind the sweater paws you had from the hoodie he had lent you

"Oh really? i would say that there is from that reaction" felix teased bumping your shoulder with his which in turn caused you to bump against chan's warm chest

"hey, hey, hey, hey less teasing more being nice you lot" chan playfully admonished enjoying the feeling of you leaning against his chest. you had yet to re-adjust yourself and he would take any moment of you being this close to him.

"ok if you are feeling better maybe you could help chan and i in the kitchen with dinner?" lee know asked trying to further distract the conversation away from your embarrassment as he and chan both stood up

"of course i'll help i don't like to freeload of you" you missed chan's warmth against your side but easily accepted his hand to help you stand leading you back through the room passed the dining table to the kitchen he didn't let your hand go. which also didn't go unnoticed by the others, each smirking at each other as they all realised that you wanted chan probably as much as they knew he wanted you. after chopping vegetables, making rice and helping lee know grill meat you all sat down together for your meal. the boys complimenting you and lee know on the food while chan just let the acknowledgement of his efforts slide knowing the praise would help you feel happy. after helping clear the table changbin organised han, seungmin and jeongin to wash the dishes while felix got out the cookies he made earlier in the afternoon and helped make hot chocolate with hyunjin while chan took you back through to the lounge to pick a movie. you settled on a marvel film to hopefully appease all of them.

"thanks for thinking of us but squirrel and i were going to go for a run after dinner" changbin apologised after to you looked up at him with worried eyes

"that's true i lost a bet and this is my stupid punishment" han whinged playing up the whole situation as changbin dragged him up the hallway to change into workout gear

"lix, jinnie and i are going to work on some choreography at the studio tonight so that we have something to show our manager for the comeback in a few months" lee know explained which you nodded to instantly

"oh of course if you need to work i don't want to hinder you but please don't overwork yourselves" you replied guiltily not wanting to hold up their schedules more than you probably already had. they each grabbed a bag and made there way out of the dorm followed not long after by changbin and han. finally jeongin and seungmin left to their own dorm to do a vocalracha vlive leaving you alone with chan.

"i guess it's not a movie night then" you muttered reaching for a cookie that had been put on the coffee table along with the hot chocolates that were left for you. chan sighed he realised that the boys had made these excuses to give you some privacy without wanting to let you know that they were giving you privacy so chan knew he had to make the best of it.

"we can still watch a movie or we could play a video go or just talk whatever you like" chan started softly "or we can just go up to my room to hangout" he trailed off looking at you warmly.

"chan can i ask you something and you won't think less of me?" the apprehension in you voice obvious to chan

"of course you can i will always support you, you're one of my closest friends" he answered immediately trying to calm himself for the possibility that this question could cause him or you pain. he watched you take a deep breath letting it out slowly as if to steel yourself for his answer

"did you mean it when you said i was beautiful earlier?"

"yes" chan breathed out instantly "i meant it when i said you are gorgeous earlier today too" he watched as your eyes widened in shock meeting his and you gasped sharply. in the few second he gave you to comprehend what he said he realised you were not unhappy with his compliment you were in fact very pleased with it. making up his mind he quickly cupped your cheek in his warm hands before leaning in to place his lips tentatively on yours this kiss soft and short but still incredibly sweet. your eyes had still been open he was sure of it but when your fingers slowly rose to your face to touch your lips you smiled brightly

"chan" you sighed softly feeling as though you must be dreaming silly grin on your lips as you blushed all the way to your ears "i have wanted to kiss you for so long would you kiss me again?" chan's heart soared as he realised what you were saying nodding emphatically he connected his lips to yours once more this time letting you kiss him back before deepening it until you were both out of breath. coming up for air he watched the dreamy expression on your face and knew there was only one more thing he had to say before this night lead you both to whatever destination fate had for you.

"please stay here with me and be mine, dont go back to your family stay here with this family stay here with me" he knew he sounded as though he was pleading even begging but he didnt care he wanted you only you. "i love you baby and i swear i'll take care of you forever" you felt as though your heart would burst from his confession knowing that he was putting on the line right here and now for you. you pulled him back to you to place a searing kiss on his lips.

"i love you too chan and i'll stay for as long as you want me" your words coming straight from your heart amazing you how right they felt to say

"always then" chan whispered taking you hand and leading you to his room.

#stray kids #stray kids fanfic #stray kids bang chan #bang chan x reader #skz fluff #skz angst #stray kids fluff #stray kids angst #stray kids imagines #skz imagines #thank you for reading this #i mean it im grateful

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i-like-sparkly-things · 3 years

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Beautiful?

A Halstead!Sister

'But they don't know. They don't know what it's like to be you. They didn't know what it was like to wake up everyday, to a body you never asked for.

A body nobody wanted.'

Warnings : eating disorder, body insecurities, body dismorphia

Requested : Yup, by anon , 'could u do a fic where she has an eating disorder? and doesn’t tell jay but then one day she passes out at school and has to tell him?'

Word count : 1.7k

Note : this took too long I don't know why 😭but yall Guess who's thankful that yall bear with my English ? me. :) and ps this is my first request!! And yall please please know that all of you are so freaking beautiful and worth fighting for. Know that you are loved and it is never, ever weak to ask for help.

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The constant pain and sleepless nights were paying off. Your eyes sparkled when you saw your new numbers. It was working.

You took your diary, crossing out breakfast on the to do list after eating a banana.

This was going to be simple. check what you eat, check your weight and repeat . You knew that if you tried really hard, you would be the one in control.

Control. That's all you wanted. Such an easy, yet painful thing.

You looked to the mirror, as your hands hovered over your ribs sticking to the skin . You'd never felt so beautiful in your life. But your eyes roamed down to your thighs. The flesh of your legs were touching. It wasn't enough.

It was never enough.

'' Y/n , come on ! Move your ass! I need to get to work!! '' Jay shouted for you, from downstairs.

'' Shut uppp I'm comingg'', you yelled back.

Ever since your mom had died, dad always kept to himself leading you to stay with your brothers. It had become a routine. Jay would drop you off at school and Annie's mom would give you a ride home.

Lucky for you , Jay was constantly busy with cases. He hadn't noticed your new diet or the mood swings.

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Your teacher had started the lesson. And slowly you sensed something wrong. Your head was pounding. God why is she so blurry? You look to Anne sitting next to you and she's Blurry too. You felt your body giving up to the swaying ground.

'' y/n!! '' Annie shreiked as your limp body crashed to the floor.

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'' Chuckles!? '' Trudy called out,climbing the stairs to intelligence. "Do I look like a cocktail waitress to you? Where have you been??"

"Morning to you too, sarge" Jay sighed. "and its detective"

" Well , Detective , Y/n fainted at school and wanted you to pick her up"

"What ?" he asked shocked, aldready beginning to pick up his jacket.

"Sarge" he said, looking to Voight for approval, although he would leave nonetheless. "Go."

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"Mr. Halstead" the school nurse addressed him, as he entered the clinic.

"Call me jay. Y/n, are you okay? what the hell happened?" he asked you worried.

You had never fainted before and apart from the flu every couple of years, you had a clean bill of health, as far as he knew.

"Jay, I promise I'm fine. Just got a little dizzy, that's all" you answered knowing how overprotective he can get. Now all you could hope for was that he would let this slide.

"I tried getting some food in her but she told me she was fine" the nurse explained to Jay.

God No. the the salad she offered you had so many calories. you had made too much progress nothing was going to stop you especially a simple fainting episode. It was a minor setback but you were sure you could continue your weight loss diet.

" What, WHY? " he questioned, but just as you were thinking of a better reply " You know what, I'm gonna take her home." he interrupted your thoughts as he spoke to the nurse.

" Only if you are sure, you're good"

" I am Jay. One hundred percent." you replied, happy to skip the rest of the school day.

It's not like you've been paying attention any ways. You'd zone out a lot during class and your constant hunger and cramps didn't help either. But you drowned these feelings away with small sips of water and occasional slices of cucumbers.

You Craved the Emptiness. the feeling of being lighter. The feeling of being....... perfect. It was intoxicating.

Taking your school bag, Jay wrapped a study arm around your shoulders , guiding you through the school corridors and towards his truck.

"God, I can't wait to go to bed", You said climbing the truck and fastening your seat belt.

"Yeah right. I'm taking you to med" he stated. "WHAT? Jay, what the hell ? I told you, I'm fine!!"

You knew Will was working and didn't want either of your brothers to know about your new diet or how much weight you had lost. It was too late to quit. The disgusting image in the mirror was slowly getting better..... getting thinner, prettier.

"You've never fainted before Y/n, and I promise I'll get Will to run the exams and do all the tests" he assured you.

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"Y/n, I thought I told you I never wanted to see you here again.", Maggie greeted, pointing a finger at you.

"Awwww but I missed you", you pouted, " No don't do that. your brother's waiting in treatment room 3 so you better get going." she instructed and you dropped your school bag near the nurses station.

You and Jay enter the room, to a very worried Will. "Y/n, what happened?" he asked , gesturing you to sit on the bed.

"did you hit your head when you fell? Did you fall in the bathroom or something like that?", he continued, not giving you time to answer.

"what did the nurses say? are you stressed about school?" " Will-", you interrupted his rambling " I'm fine, just..... got a little dizzy."

You watched , as he took his pen light to your eyes. "Ah! Will, stop!!" You said, trying and failing to refrain him.

"You know, it'll be easier if you stop squirming" Jay commented with a smug smile. "Your not going anywhere"

"Shut up" you groaned.

You need to get out of here. What if they gave you food. What if they found out you were hungry all the time. They'd never stop making fun of you. They'd tell you that you were overreacting and that all this was so unnecessary.

But they didn't know. They didn't know what it was like to be you. They didn't have floppy arms or fleshy thighs. They didn't know what it was like to wake up everyday, to a body you never asked for. A body nobody wanted.

******************************

"Jay" Will called out, seeing him outside your room. It had been a couple of hours since you were bought in.

Will had ordered some tests, being the ass he was.

Wonderful. You just hoped that all the tests would be normal and you could get the hell out of there.

"yeah man? just needed to text Hailey, Why, what's wrong?" Jay asked, studying the worried expression on his brother's face

"It's Y/n. "

***************************

You were fiddling with the hem of your t-shirt when your brother's walked in, staring at you, as if you were a ghost.

"Y/n," Jay croaked out his voice laced with dread, "how long?"

No. No. No. This can't be happening. God, you knew that they were going to hate you forever.

"what the are you talking about?" you needed to try to get them to back away."Is something wrong?"

They were standing on either side of your bed. Jay came closer and sat down on your right the beside your knees, eyes never leaving yours.

"Your tests-" Will started, "They came back showing you have severe deficiencies. That your body is struggling to survive. That it's not getting enough food." he broke away from your gaze.

"We um-" Jay, as if almost on queue, continued."We looked through your school bag and found your diary. "

You sucked in a sharp breath and shook your head. No. He knew. They knew.

All your calorie counts, the amount of calories you can have in a day, your research on diets, workouts, to do lists, hell, even your Period Tracker was written down. (although you barely had it anymore)

That book was the reason you were finally becoming happy with yourself. Your body.

'I'm sorry', you mouthed "I'm so, so sorry" This was it. Your voice hitched, as tears flowed down your cheeks. "I was finally happy"

In an instant, your brothers were by your side.

Jay engulfed you into his chest, your words circling his mind. 'Finally?' God, you lived together! You were his sister! His baby sister! How could he have let this happen to you? How could he not have noticed that you were drowning? That you were starving yourself. What kind of brother was he?

Will rubbed your back, until your sobs became quieter. He was a doctor. A damn doctor! God knows how long this has been going on, but at the end of the day.... he failed. He failed to be there,..... when you needed him.

"Y/n, you don't have to do this. You're beautiful Y/n. You really are. And I'm sorry that anyone else has convinced in otherwise" Jay breathed out, hoping you heard him, in his embrace.

"It felt good, Jay" your voice was muffled by his shirt, but to your brothers, your voice was loud and clear.

"Did it?" You turned to Will, "Did the hunger feel good?" his heart broke saying the words out loud.

'Yes', you wanted to answer. Of course it felt good. You were getting so many compliments from your friends at school. Boys started acknowledging you now.

It was like you finally existed. You felt...... worthy.

But with all the strength you could muster up, you couldn't get the words out. Because there was always one voice that told you to quit. The voice you'd been drowning out for so long. The voice that told you, that you were in fact, beautiful.

Your mother's.

"No" you said, realizing that Will had tears in his eyes as well.

But you couldn't find a hint of shame in them, no matter how much you searched. Instead, you were met with the immense worry and guilt of your brother.

"We can help, Y/n" Will said, as he took your hand in his, "We will help and we'll be there every step of the way."

"Every step" Jay assured and you turned to him. "All you need to do, is let us in"

You weren't prepared for this. You had no idea what to say.

You didn't want to feel tired all the time, always craving for food. But the idea of going back - back to all that shame - that's what scared you.

"Y/n," Will spoke up, seeing as you were struggling to answer, "I promise you, we are going to make you feel better...... and we'll fight those thoughts of yours together."

You took a shaky breath.

Thoughts.

Your thoughts.

You had let them consume you for a long time now. Too long. maybe..... Maybe the right voice to follow, was your mothers'. "okay-" you sobbed, "okay", and once again you found yourself in Jay's arms.

You, clinging to him like your life depended on it and him holding you tight, because it did. His hand rested on your head, tangled with your hair.

Will saw a tear make its way down his brothers cheek, something he hasn't witnessed often.

Your brothers sat silently, listening to you cry. Taking in the conversation, only having a glimpse of the pain you were in.

You had a long, long road ahead but as you sat in your brother arms, you felt a sense of peace, comfort maybe.

******************************

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cottoncandyjester · 4 years

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Yan oc squad when jealous

Okay so I'm currently working on backstory posts for all the boys as well as kinkmas stuff so til those come out enjoy random quick headcanons about the boys or any request people want to give about..well anything

Theodore

He hates getting jealous

It's a bad feeling

When he sees you smiling and laughing cause of someone else a dark feeling fills him

He can't help but think of horrible thoughts like you finding someone else

These feelings control him and cause him to do foolish things or things he would seem as idiotic

If you're talking to someone he will quickly come to you and hold you simply staring

He is far too much of a gentleman to make a scene

He shouldn't be so jealous but as he watched you giggle with an old a friend during what was supposed to be a coffee date, he gripped his cup as he felt like some sort of third wheel. Everytime he would try to interrupt you he was cut off by your friend and their obnoxious talking

Soon fed up with it he stood up now grabbing your arm feeling you tense lightly, he simply flashed a sweet smile now holding your hand

"I'm sorry to interrupt this conversation but we really must go, right sweetie?"

Before you could speak the male was pulling you out the cafe and towards the car, his grip on you firm as his sweet smile turned to a friend now glancing over at you

"don't talk to that person ever again, she is bad for you okay?"

"I'm an adult I ca-"

Theodore pulled you roughly infront if him his eyes wild with rage but he simmered down now smiling as he reached out and placed a hand on your cheek

"what did we talk about hmm? You make bad judgements, you're too sweet and kind and everyone will take advantage of that..so trust me when i say they are bad okay?"

You gulped and gave a small nod, you did trust him since he always knew best but he still scared you. You had no choice but to agree and as the two of you went home you could feel the tense jealously coming off him..he truly wanted you to himself

Hikaru

Is a very very jealous person

He had a photoshoot in korea and of course he had to take you along for the ride

It was a lovely vacation

During the shoot his photographer would ask you questions

His photographer seemed to like you

And hikaru did not like that

Of course hikaru kept his cool but after a while he got fed up

He sent you back to the hotel so he can deal with this

After getting very violent he comes back blood soaked and takes his anger out on you

Hikaru has been gone for hours but you figured nothing of it, maybe photoshoots take a long long time. You sat on the hotel bed scrolling through your phone before you heard a click and the door opened

You rushed to greet your boyfriend only to see him covered in blood now using a cloth to wipe his face, his eyes still dangerous and wild. When his blue eyes landed on you a chill went down your spine before he reached out and gripped your wrist

"it's your damn fault y'know? Its cause people think your so fucking attractive. I'm all dirty cause of you, damn pig."

As hikaru now squeezed your wrist panic set in as you tried to pry him off of you and maybe calm him down before he get any more angrier

"b-babe I didn't know this would happen and plus, you know I love only you"

Your stumbling and stuttering only seemed to make him more pissed as he now yanked you to the bed before pushing you down now throwing his coat off and eyeing you with utter disgust

"then fucking prove it, prove that my piggy only loves me and maybe I won't be so mean anymore kay?"

Prince

Instantly gets into a fight

Just no questions asked gets into a fight

You two were just walking around the park with his dog, queen

Prince let you alone for a single minute just to grab some food

Did not take long for some Chad to get to chatting with you

Queen was not happy

And when prince came back he was not happy either

So he got into a fight

You scolded him while you were patching him up

"prince.."

"yeah my beautiful and amazing love who I adore everyday?"

You shot the male a glare as he lit a cigarette before taking a smoke, he clearly did not like upsetting you and was definitely stressed

"as much as I love your protectiveness, getting into fights isn't a good thing"

"I can't let someone steal ya away from me baby, just won't allow it"

You shake your head as you put the last band-aid on before feeling something crawl into your lap, you stare at the Pitbull who laid her head in your lap

"-and you! You were supposed to protect her queen! At least bite the son of a bitch or something!"

You couldn't help but laugh at the male's antics, you didnt really see much of the fight since prince told you to wait in the car but you figured the guy was fine

Prince on the other hand simply smiled as he though about how he took care of the situation, queen was such a good dog though he hoped that eating that bastard wouldn't make her sick.

Yuki

Also gets into a fight

You both were at a cat cafe enjoying your time

Yuki fell asleep..no surprise there

You knew he was tired so you let him nap while you played with the cats and ate more yummy snacks

Yuki did say you can order as much as you want and anything you want..

When a worker came to the table and saw yuki sleeping he decided to shoot his shot

Did not take long for your green haired boyfriend to wake up after hearing awkward laughing coming from you

One violent fight later and you two were home while you patched yuki up

He only responds in pouty grumbles and grunts cause you scolded him

Gives you the cold shoulder

But he can't stay mad at you

"yuki, stop being a baby"

"...."

"yuki, look at me"

With still no response you groaned lowly now sliding into the male's lap and seeing him tense up lightly but he simply turned his head away from you with a scowl as he tried not to give in, he was angry that you weren't taking his side on this

Someone tried to steal you away and he protected you! Yet you scold him and tell him not to do it again?! He doesn't get it at all

"yuki narukami you look at me!"

He jolted at the use of his full name and he looked at you with a shocked expression before you squished his face together causing him to get even more confused

"you were going to kill him if you kept punching him, that's why i was mad. Thank you for protecting me though I love you and it's sweet"

Yuki paused before simply wrapping his arms around you giving a low grunt now nuzzling his face in your neck as a dark Expression pooled his eyes.

So, protecting you is fine but he has to make sure he can't kill infront of you? Good to know. As yuki held you in his arms he couldn't help but smile

You were so interesting to him.

Axis

It's always the baby types you have to watch out for

You both were at a new amusement park that opened up a few weeks ago

You two were having fun

But after two big drinks axis had to pee while you both were waiting in line for a ride

He told you to hold the spot

You were of course worried your blind boyfriend is going to find a boyfriend on a crowded area but he reassured you that he will be fine

You let him go and It didn't take long for someone to come up to you and try flirt

When axis came back

He tried to play tough guy

But being 5'4" has its downfalls..

Axis was getting tunnel vision, they were laughing at him..he claimed to be your boyfriend and they called him a kid, how can he protect you if he can't even protect himself..how?!

"leave him alone! He's my boyfriend so just go away!"

You had to step in, it was embarrassing. Axis felt you grip his hand tightly now feeling nothing but anger and jealously bubble within him even as the situation diffused he thought about it

Did..you take him seriously?

"[y/n], am I hot?"

The question made you jolt and you looked at him with a choked laugh. You laugh only made him more upset but he tried to remain calm

"am I hot? Yknow like sexy and everything like that?"

"ax, you're adorable! So cute! I mean you were pouting when those jerks were talking to me and it was just so cute!"

Cute...? Cute..?!

He snapped and hugged you close, his face mask had a zipper and you never did know what the purpose of that was but next thing you knew you felt a sharp pain on your neck along with something trickling down your shoulder

You winced in pain now trying to pull the male off but with no progress, when he did pull back he had blood all around his mouth

"treat me more seriously, you're mine. I won't let anyone else take you, come on let's go home..I'm not done marking you up"

A sense of fear hit you and you never felt this before, axis has always been your adorable boyfriend but this..was new.

Axis Definitely show you just how much he owned you when you two got home and it was something you definitely never forgot.

#yandere imagines #yandere #yandere ocs #oc imagines #oc x reader #yandere headcanons

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ahundredtimesover · 3 years

Note

Okay AAAAAHHHHHHHH

I just caught up and finshed it and I'm so emotional.

Omg.

Like I'm sitting here and still crying.

I just ! I already spoke alot abt the story and I just wanna say something haha

Thank you.

Thank you so so much for writing this story, I've been having some really not so good times recently and this truly became my comfort fic and I havent had one in so so long !

It is just so beautifully written, and while yes you can appreciate that it is so so well written and presented it also reminds of alot of things.

That speaking about your emotion it's not bad, you have to be able to learn to trust yourself and to be your own best friend. we all have this amazing ability to give out so much love and we need to be able to use it to love ourselves and the people closest to our hearts the most you know.

I really really just love and adore each and every single character! I cried ! Every single chapter! Your way with words 👌👌👌

It's - you know what it is ?

Its the whispers of a love never forgotten.

That's what kept making me cry bc they were lovers before and they continued to love but it was different you know?

So different but so familiar too. The love that they share.

Wow.

Just so amazing.

Like yes I'm going to talk about this forever but jk came back for her

He loved her. He felt incomplete without her.

That is freaking beautiful.

It's so sad that he went so long thinking that you know she didnt want him, when she did. On the other side of the world, she was holding into this little bundle of love reserved for him.

Love shouldn't hurt you know ? And it did for them for a while, but bc of how bright and like MAN I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

The fact that they accept the hurt and the pain and thw wrongs of the past and are taking in together as a pair as a couple as lovers. That is what is so beautiful. That is what makes them endgame.

I think I'm actually gonna stfu bc I make no sense but YOUUUUU

Are amazing !

So good !

So talented!

I hope that you always find a reason to be happy everyday and make sure to eat well and stay hydrated 🤍💕🤍💕🤍💕🤍

Hi!! You are so wonderful, truly. I read your feedback about each chapter and I’m truly appreciative of you noting every single thing you liked. I live for details so when you note the ones you enjoyed, it always makes my heart full. So thank you 😊

I’m also glad you consider this your comfort fic. I read to relieve stress and to feel better; I write for the same reasons so to know that this story gave you joy, especially during the times when it was hard for you, that’s wonderful and I’m glad I got to give you a virtual hug through the story and this little family. And you’re right, emotions are beautiful and we have to trust ourselves. I’m a highly emotional individual and it took a while for me to learn that it’s a strength, too, regardless of how I choose to express it. And our capacity to love makes us human. It’s beautiful and such a source of light. I’m so happy you picked those up.

I’ll never tire of the kind words you speak about me and my writing and the stories I put out. I’ll always be grateful. Thank you for the love towards something I put a lot of myself in. Please stay safe and take care of yourself always. Sending you all the love 🥰🥰

#ask #inevitable

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echos-orchard · 4 years

Text

Equinox, Chapter 1

...so...I'm rewriting an old story of mine, and was actually pretty proud of the results of the first chapter so...yeah!

Equinox is the story of Chloe and Orion, newfound friends who find themselves struggling for survival after a geometric disaster.

The human mind, a dark and dangerous place...or at least it can be. It’s almost taunting sometimes, how it exploits our deepest fears and insecurities...regrets.

Chloe sat in silence, listening to her psychology teacher ramble on about god knows what. Honestly, she knew that this would probably be on the test, and that she should be paying more attention- but she just couldn’t. Instead, she continued to doodle in her sketchbook- a concentrated look on her face.

“Psst, hey,” she heard the whisper of a boy's voice. It was probably one of her classmates asking a question to someone- or seeking the attention of a friend while the teacher was distracted. She continued to draw in silence, stuck within her own little world.

“Chloe, incoming!” the same voice whispered, a tad louder this time. She looked up, and was about to ask him what he wanted, when the teacher came and scooped up her sketchbook, idly flipping through and saying something about how it was a fine example of personality, but Chloe was far too embarrassed to listen. Mrs.Hemingway turned the book showing the rest of her students- Chloe’s peers, the weird stuff she would doodle in her free time.

The teacher placed the book back down on the desk with a smirk before walking back to the front of the classroom...what a bitch. Chloe placed her head in her hands, face redder than a beet. She could hear some of her classmates snickering, of course this would happen. The bell rang, Chloe practically threw her book bag behind her, and sprinted out of the room into the already growing mass of students flooding the halls.

Lunch time was usually a time for friends to meet up, talk about life, and have fun together in a crowded lunchroom, but Chloe wasn’t about that shit. When she first transferred to this school two months ago to start her senior year, she made a vow to herself that she would never ever eat in that vomit inducing, disease ridden room. Instead, everyday she would go outside and read instead of eat- because fuck people, and fuck overpriced school lunch. Even so she was happy with her schedule. She would sit and read in silence, free from all the annoying assholes she went to school with. She was allowed to be lost in her own little world for forty five minutes before returning to hell.

Chloe sprinted down the stairs to the first floor, where most of the students had already filed out. Taking a few deep breaths, she stopped in front of the bathroom, walking in cautiously. She checked every stall to make sure that they were absolutely empty, no one else needed to see her mess. She looked at herself in the mirror, sleep deprived dark brown eyes pooling with hurt and anger, her black hair that went down to the middle of her back was disheveled, all around she just looked fucking terrible.

She took a shaky breath. What the actual fuck? Why would her teacher do that? Everyone knew Mrs.Hemingway was a bitch but seriously!? It took everything in her power not to cry, but hey, she managed. Chloe combed her hands through her hair, trying to smooth out the previously perfect braid she once had, honestly just trying to regain her composure. She rinsed her face with cold water, reapplied her lip balm, readjusted her black sweater and skinny jeans, just doing some self care after that stressful situation. After calming down, she left the bathroom, entering the empty hallway- or well almost empty. A boy stood awkwardly reading a few feet away, on the opposite side of the hall, smiling ever so slightly. Though the content smile made the situation ever more strange seeing as he was reading outside the girls bathroom? The boys room was down the hall.

The dude had some decent height on him, Estella had to fucking look up to meet his eyes so.... He stood about six foot or six foot one or two?, while she herself stood about five foot five, which was a tad shorter than most of the girls around her school. He wore a red and white varsity jacket over a black t-shirt and some jeans. The guy had a mess of honey blonde hair and bright blue eyes that were looking down at a book he was slowly flipping through, no no not just any book. Chloe’s sketchbook. Fuck. This. Shit! How did he even get that, she was sure she had put it in her bag. What did he come to tease her about it or something!? Don’t fucking think so. Chloe snatched the small book from his hands, squaring her shoulders, and looking him dead in the eyes.

The boy seemed taken aback for a second before smiling at her, “Sorry I didn’t really mean to snoop I just...you’re a killer artist dude!”

Chloe narrowed her eyes, gazing at him warily. Huh? The fuck did this man just say? Her drawings were trash, what was he thinking of pulling here? The jock stuck out his hand, “I’m Orion Berry, you’re Chloe Anderson, right? We have a few classes together!” He said cheerfully.

Chloe shook his hand cautiously, honestly just confused about who the fuck this kid was, and why he was talking to her, if not just to bully her. “Yeah nice to meet you, sorry I’m a bit busy right now” Chloe mumbled, walking past him towards the double doors that led outside.

Apparently he didn’t quite catch the hint. Orion followed her, talking on and on about who the fuck knows what, Chloe wasn’t really listening. She sighed, fed up with this shitty day and this annoying kid she didn’t know or want to talk to, following her like a lost puppy...maybe this was why she had no friends actually. Chloe continued walking toward her usual spot on the bench in the courtyard, tuning out the overly excited jock to her left.

“Sorry Orion, I actually need to meet up with some friends now, I really shouldn’t keep them waiting anymore” Chloe fake laughed, trying to get him to leave her alone.

“But you don’t have any friends Chlo-…” The boy blurted out, it only took a second for his eyes to widen and throw his hands over his mouth. ...okay ouch.

Chloe stopped in her tracks, “Excuse me?” she said, a sad melancholy filling her voice.

“I have plenty of friends you douche!” She raised her voice slightly, catching the attention of some passersby.

Orion flung his hands off his face, shaking them panickedly “No no no no that’s not what I meant to say, I just have never seen you hanging out with anyone before-”

“So what, you have been stalking me too!?” Chloe was both absolutely pissed with this kid, and sad at how obviously lonely she apparently was. Orion looked genuinely apologetic, but she didn’t even care, she wanted to but she has had such a shitty day. Her mother yelled at her that morning, and it was raining so she came in late and soaking wet. She forgot her math homework at home, was teased by a group of girls at her locker, had a sore throat from crying the previous night and was off key in choir because of it, and then she was embarrassed in front of her entire psychology class, and the day still wasn’t over!

“No! We have a lot of classes together, I told you earlier! I just assumed- I’m sorry!” Orion tried to defend himself desperately. He definitely did not need a rumor flying around calling him a stalker.

Chloe took a deep breath, “What. Do. You. Want.” She spoke clearly and harshly. Orion frowned and faltered for a minute. “I just wanted to be your friend...you looked like you were having a hard day, and Hemingway obviously didn’t help... I’m sorry.”

Fuck. Now she just feels bad. He didn’t want her to be stressed out and all alone. God fucking damn it. She sighed and put her face in her hands. “Well why didn’t you say anything before now?” she gritted out.

“I...I did? Just a few minutes ago?” He mumbled. Of course. Of course he did. Right, when she wasn’t paying attention. I mean this wasn’t all her fault, right?...no it totally was, one hundred percent.

“Okay fine. You can tag along or whatever, just like shut up and yeah...sorry” She gave in. Orion brightened up a little, and the two of them walked in silence to the courtyard. Once she got there, Chloe collapsed onto the bench and closed her eyes. Orion smiled and sat by her. They sat there in awkward silence for a good few minutes, Chloe could feel his eyes on her and she sighed.

“What do you want?” she asked, meeting his bright blue eyes.

“What’s your favorite animal?” He responded innocently, a strange sense of wonder in his eyes.

“I don’t know, maybe like a panther, or owl, or something.” She replied. Then she sat there and answered questions for thirty minutes. She actually didn’t even mind it, he was pretty fun to hang out with. What the fuck? Chloe couldn’t believe how much of a bitch she was being to him earlier, that was kind of fucked up.

Still part of her struggled to believe it. He had to be planning something, maybe talking to her as a dare? When lunch ended they walked to class together, Orion still being his happy self and Chloe being tired as fuck but whatever.

When Orion said they had a lot of classes together, Chloe was expecting maybe two, not like the entire day...EXCEPT two. Honestly she did start feeling better, after completing her work in history she ranted about her day, it was nice to have someone listen. Orion even seemed happy to listen, and offered her some advice. They just kinda vibed and worked together all day. ...It was nice, unexpected, but nice.

The final bell had rung and Orion was still sitting and talking. “Can I walk you home Chloe?” He gently asked.

“Absolutely not.” She laughed. Orion whined for a second before pouting.

“But why not?

“Well first off I said no, second off I just met you, and third I said no, fuck you” Orion laughed at her response.

“Well what are you doing later?” He asked cheerily.

“Studying, drawing, chores, the usual I guess. What about you?” Chloe said, honestly vibing with her new found...friend? Adopted son? She would totally adopt this dumb puppy.

“Visiting my little brother before his surgery.” Orion responded absentmindedly.

“Is he sick, or injured, or something?” Chloe questioned.

“His name is Oliver, he’s like twelve, he’s getting a tumor removed later today”

“Oh, I hope it goes well.” She responded empathetically.

Orion smiled and thanked her. “We should hang out soon though, yeah?” Chloe tilted her head to the side “Do you have something in mind?”

“How about we go to the movies?”

Chloe nodded, “I’m free Friday?”

”Sounds good! See you tomorrow Clo!” Orion said, walking out of the classroom, a slight skip in his step. ...Bro...Did she just agree to a date? Is she going on a date? Or like a friend date? Are they hanging out as friends...or? Chloe’s face flushed, no, no way it was just a friendly outing, they had literally just met. Either way she couldn’t help but smile.

...

God, she wished things could have just stayed that way.

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luvdsc · 3 years

Note

Hi sweatpea! I've been admiring you for a while and wanted to chuck you a message but your inbox is closed. I really enjoy reading your works and constantly finding myself reading them after a long, stressful day. Idk how you do it, but I genuinely look up to you. I just wanted to also ask for some advice. After reading your asks and what not, I'm in a similar situation. Even though I am younger, nearly 21 I work a full time job at a hospital. I worked all throughout covid and damn I'm still exhausted. Where I'm located, my state has been covid free since Jan/Feb. Though everyday I am still working. I feel like I have no energy or emotions left in me. I work and go home cook, clean and repeat. I barely sleep bc of insomnia and I repeat the next day. I feel as if my social life is non existent and I feel like I'm going into a slump bc the smallest things will tick me off or I become upset really quickly. I'm sorry to like dump this on you, I just wanted some advice on how to manage life and I did wanna DM and just check in on you every so often but it's okay! I hope you are resting enough ❣️

Just bc I forget to add on to make more sense , wow I'm an idiot, like literally. I live out as home as well and I don't study. I work full time to help get me by but I live paycheck to paycheck. My friends don't get it either?? They all have everything handed down to them whereas I am completely different you know? It's just frustrating and upsetting and ofc I wanna study too, bit I have a medical condition that affecting me rn to do that and my friends kind of like, look down on me??

✿ ✿ ✿

hi, lovebug! 💕 sakdfahkj wait i think my inbox is open since you sent me an ask? 😅 i toggled with the allow/close ask option a few times just to be sure. thank you so much for reading my fics and enjoying them, honey bee 💜 i am gonna be honest with you - i’m practically a workaholic and my social life has really deteriorated because of it 🤧 so i don’t think i’m the best at managing life 😅 my daily life is pretty much the same - i wake up, work, eat dinner, work some more, watch an hour of tv or do some art, exercise, go to sleep, repeat. the last time i facetimed my friends was for one of their bdays at the beginning of feb and when i facetimed steph and ti a few weeks ago. i really only manage to keep up with texting with 7-8 of my friends daily, and everyone else is pushed to the backburner until the weekend, or if i’m too tired, i respond to them the following weekend. however, i communicated this with my friends before - that i’m not purposely ignoring them, but i’m really busy with work and i need to put my mental health first, which means any little free time i get will be used to relax and destress. so they understand, and they’re fine with me responding later than usual. so at this point, i think what’s best for you is to try to carve out maybe an hour of your day for just yourself and focus on your mental health. do something you enjoy, exercise, watch a tv show, etc. i find that having that one hour for myself makes me feel much better after an exhausting day of work 💕 i think adding in little things throughout my day also help, too, like when i take a break, i go and sit outside for a bit or i eat my favorite snack. so it’s kind of like having little pick me ups throughout the day, which keeps me going 💞

also, you are absolutely not an idiot, honey bee. there’s nothing wrong with living at home, and you’re saving money that way, so that’s smart! studying does not equal intelligence. some people are lucky and have been given more life opportunities than others based on their social / economic status, which lets them have that option to study in school. that doesn’t mean you’re not smart. you’re working full time and providing for yourself, which is absolutely incredible, and i’m positive that so many other 20 year olds would not be able to say the same or do what you’re doing. i do not know what it’s like to live paycheck by paycheck, but i’m sorry that you have to go through with that ): i imagine that it’s very stressful... also, your friends don’t really sound like your friends if they treat you like this and make you feel that way. if you’ve communicated with them how you feel and they still act like this, i think you should drop them. they’re only adding negativity and stress to your life. i’m sorry to hear that you’re going through so much, and i can only hope that your situation gets better in the future, sweetpea 💗

#asks #poutypoutybin

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shinyrockalaska · 5 years

Text

Crush

Male!Rowan x Bill Weasley

Word count: 2k

Day 4 of @hphm-rarepair-week

The Celestial ball was fun, but now it was over and everything was boring again.

With your brother still missing, the cursed vaults still a mystery, and all the school work you still had to do- you felt tired. But you had your friends, and you were thankful for everything you had.

"Oh man I can't believe the Celestial ball had passed!" Tulip groaned as you, her and Rowan sat in your dormitory and talked.

"Seriously, by the fourth year I thought I would go to the ball with a date.. I mean we're almost fifteen! Isn't that what we're suppose to do?!"

You shrugged. "I used to imagine it too, I think, but I'm too stressed over my brother, the vaults, school work and my own confusion about everything to care about dating" you said, "besides, we're still young. I think society is wrong by pushing romance on teens"

Tulip rolled her eyes, "pfft, your the weirdest boy I ever met.. and that comes from me!"

You laughed a little. "We're all a little strange" you said with a smile, feeling at peace.

Then you noticed your friend Rowan has been awfully quiet. Tulip must've noticed it too since she asked him "what about you, Ro? What do you think about dating?" Rowan blushed immediately but only you knew why..

"Nothing!" He said loudly, panicking, "I don't like him I don't like anybody!" You felt bad for your friend that accidentally spilled his secret. You knew it from the second year but Rowan made you promise him you'll never talk about it to anyone so you just dropped the subject.

But it was too easy to know who Rowan's crush was since Everytime Rowan was in the same room with him he would sweat and blush and act weirder than usual.

Tulip got excited, "ooo didn't knew you were gay but I guess that's kind of makes sense"

Rowan blushed even more now "obviously I-I'm noT gAy..!" He shout, embarrassed.

"You're a boy who's having a crush on another boy, sounds pretty gay to me" Tulip respond and Rowan sight, "you got me there.."

"Tulip, Rowan obviously doesn't want to talk about it.." you tried to save him from Tulip but now she got even more curious

"You two! I would've never guessed it!" She Laughed as you blushed just like Rowan. "N-no! Stop!" You said, feeling embarrassed, "it's Bill! okay? Not me!"

The room got quiet for a moment until Rowan screamed, "How could you?? You promised to keep this a secret!!"

"I'm sorry!" You apologized, ",I was too embarrassed I didn't thought before I talked.." Rowan sight again while you said "and it's not like you were subtle about it.." he rolled his eyes, but you knew he would forgive you anyway.

"Wait hold on" Tulip suddenly said "Bill as Bill Weasley? Charlie's brother? That Grifindor in the sixth year? Our friend??"

"Yes, tulip. It's him" said Rowan, angrily, "are you going to make fun of me now? To tell everyone?" Tulip was surprised, "no of course not! You're my friend why would I do that?"

"sorry I was just scared for a moment.. I don't want anyone to know about this. Especially not Bill.."

Tulip put her hand on his shoulder, "your secret is safe with me. But perhaps you should ask him out?" The last sentence made Rowan laugh, "yeah, right.. like a guy as cool as Bill could ever like an awkward nerdy boy like me.." then he sight again, "I'm going to bed guys. Don't worry about me. It's okay, I'll be fine. Eventually..." And by that he left the room leaving you and Tulip both very confused.

"Poor boy" said Tulip, without any sense of moking in her voice.

"Yeah..." You sight and by that the conversation died and both you and Tulip went to sleep.

In the next day, you knew what you needed to do. Rowan has been crushing on Bill for years now and you really wanted to help him out. So as soon as transfiguration class ended you went searching for Bill. You found him in the training ground, studying on the ground.

"So, bill" you said as you sat next to him. He raised his head, "oh hello! What's up?"

You ignored his question and continued anyway. "Do you like guys?" You asked, making Bill confused about your intentions with this conversation. "Why are you asking? Do you think you like guys?"

"What? No! I'm just, eh, asking for a friend." That wasn't a lie. "Hmm well, you already know I'm bi" he answered and you suddenly remembered how he came out to your friends last year as bisexual.

"Ah, right. That's good." You answered and continued, "and what's your opinions about Rowan?"

"Rowan? Our friend?" He was surprised.

"Is there any other Rowans you know?" You asked, sarcastically.

"He's a nice guy" Bill responded after a while, "I don't really know what he talks about most of the times but he seems cool". in your mind you started to imagine your two close friends having a relationship. And he just called Rowan cool!

"Well..." You continued, "would you like to go on a date with him?" You asked, making Bill raise his eyebrow. "Why would you ask that...?" You just shrug, "no reason. No reason at all..." You knew you sound suspicious but you really wanted that to work. "Maybe" Bill suddenly said, "I guess I might just say yes". Hearing this answer you immediately jumped, "okay good bye!" You shouted while running back to your dorms, to meet Rowan.

"YOU DID WHAT?! HOW COULD YOU???" Rowan screamed at you after you told him what you've done. "Now he hates me.." he said, tears running down his cheeks. You hold his hand, trying to calm him down. "I'm sorry, Ro. I just hate seeing you so sad. I really want it to work for you. I don't even think it's healthy to have one sided crush for that long..." You said, "and besides.. he said he would agree! To go on a date with you! So all you need to do is just ask him!" Your last words made Rowan panick, "WeLL I caN'T dO thAt!" He shouted, panicking.

After almost ten minutes of calming him down you managed to convince him to go and ask Bill. You were waiting for them across the hallway, watching Rowan awkwardly, but happily, talking with Bill. You couldn't hear what they were saying but they both seemed pretty thrilled with the conversation.

"So... How did it go?" You asked when he came back to you, still blushing. "I'm meeting him tomorrow night at the courtyard" he said and you immediately yelled "woohoo" but than he continued and said "but I didn't mentioned it's a date..."

"Nooooo" you groaned, "why didn't you?" Rowan shrugged, "it was stressing me out just to talk to him.. be glad I at least done that!" You could tell that he was still very sweating and stressed but still smiling, too. "Don't worry", you then said, "I'm sure it's gonna turn out for the best".

The next day, you sat with Rowan in your room, trying to find the perfect cloths for him. He was a nervous wreck and couldn't stop rumbling on how much he loves bill. You couldn't not think how helpless he is. So love sick, so pure. At this point you just agreed with everything he said. "Yes he does have the most beautiful eyes. Yes he does have the body of a goddess". After trying on like thirteen different outfits, you finally decided what would be the best for him for a meeting with a friend, that could possibly be a date. "Are you sure? It's more fancy than casual, isn't it?" Rowan asked, stressed, looking in the mirror. You rolled your eyes, "seriously, Ro? This is literally almost the same clothes you wear everyday.."

"hey, I like to think myself as fancy!" He said while still looking at the mirror. He wore his usual pants and buttoned up shirt but with a dark bow tie, instead of his usual house tie. He also had a black jacket with him, in case he'll be cold. Simple but different.

Now it was almost time to meet Bill and you needed to calm down Rowan again. "You've got this, Rowan. I promise it'll end better than whatever you imagine" you said, "unless, of course, you imagine your wedding like I do, then that's definitely what's going to happen" you said with a wink, and Rowan just nod, embarrassed.

When it was time to leave you heard him whisper, "what if.. after all this years he'll just.. reject me..?" He said it with tears in his eyes. "Then.." you said, putting your hand on his shoulder trying to comfort him, "you'll be free and you'll be able to move on." He nod and you hugged him, then he left you to meet Bill.

When Rowan came to the courtyard it was empty so he walked around a few times, trying to calm himself down. When he sat down next to the fountain, he finally saw Bill. He wore his usual cloths but you could tell that he spent much more time doing his hair. And you could tell that he was as nervous as Rowan, which made Rowan less worried, knowing he wasn't the only one.

"Hey" said Bill with a shy smile, his hands in his pockets.

"H-hey" Rowan immediately stood up as his face becoming pink.

"Well, uh.. you wanted to see me, right?" He said while sitting down next to the place Rowan sat before. "I mean it's always nice to see you of course! I'm just wondering.."

"Y-yeah" Rowan sat back awkwardly next to bill, "it wasn't my idea actually" they said and then realized it was a mistake. "N-nevermind! Forget I said it!"

"It wasn't my idea as well" said Bill, smiling. "But I'm glad we did it"

Rowan felt his Face getting warm, "I-its so hot out here, isn't it?? N-not because of you o-of curse! Ohh I shouldn't have said that!" Rowan hos his face between his hands as Bill laugh.

"It's okay, I know you like me.."

Rowan immediately lift his face, surprised. "You do? But how? Since when? I, uh-"

"Well it was pretty obvious" Bill shrugged, "what about you?" He asked, confusing Rowan. "I- well- since uh.. my first year.." Rowan was almost whispering those last words but somehow Bill still heard them. "Really?? For that long?? Oh wow.."

"I'm sorry I probably shouldn't have said that please just- forget it.."

"No, it's okay.." Bill said, aware of Rowan embarrassment, "I think.. maybe.. I think I want to try it"

"Try what?" Rowan asked, confused.

"Try us" Bill answered with a shy smile on his face, "I'm not sure how I feel yet, but I do like you as a person and I wouldn't mind you being my boyfriend so... If you want to, of course, I think I'm ready to give it a try"

Rowan was wordless. This was something they never really considered. Mostly because they never succeed talking with Bill for more than a few seconds, but also because he considered himself out of Bill's league.

"Rowan, are you okay? I didn't mean to hurt you or anything I'm--"

Bill's words cut off by Rowan's lips crushing on his.

It was Rowan's first kiss and all he could think was, 'i can't believe I'm kissing Bill Weasley!' he was very proud of himself for actually making the first move and being in control of the situation. And he could feel Bill kissing back.

The kiss was short but it was everything Rowan ever dreamed of. His eyes were still closed when he heard Bill saying "I'll take this as a yes". Even with his eyes closed he could tell Bill was smiling.

"Shall I walk you to your dormitory?" Bill asked and Rowan finally opened his eyes, smiling and nodding. And so they did. Rowan could feel Bill's hand on his shoulder the entire walk and couldn't help but think how he is the luckiest guy in the world.

~~~~

That's it! Not the best, but still something...

I kinda like them together and I imagine them having a relationship through Bill's 6-7 years at Hogwarts and then break up in good terms when he graduate (:

#hphm rarepair week 2019 #rowan x bill #bill x rowan #bill weasley #rowan khanna #hphm #hogwarts mystery #harry potter hogwarts mystery #hphm fanfiction #hphm fanfic #hphm fic #hogwarts mystery fanfiction #hogwarts mystery fanfic

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seafoamchild · 3 years

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this semester has been so overwhelming so far. i had to take this digital marketing class which thank GOD is over now but it was just "content creation! brands! cost per click! buyer's journey! path to purchase!" like I could notttt be less interested in that type of shit and the class took up so much time because it was a condensed course. so that was annoying but now it's over. but i still have my javascript class which is really hard and all this other busywork and my internship and my serving job which takes up so much of my energy, plus just my everyday life stuff like trying to take care of myself and exercise and be social and cook healthy food. it's a lot. and i feel like i'm drowning a little bit because i don't have the time or energy to do anything particularly well right now. like i've been slacking at my internship so hard and i feel guilty and bad about it but i just can't muster the energy. and i've been turning in assignments late all the time and i have not been doing my best at all. i just feel stretched in too many different directions and i'm exhausted and i can't sleep. i worked two doubles at the restaurant in a row with barely any sleep in between and i'm tired.

i talked to luke on the phone this morning and i could tell he'd been off with me the past few days but i didn't know why. and of course i was freaking out about how i must have done or said something wrong but i'm also trying to resist the default conclusion i always come to, which is that everything is my fault. i'm trying to stand up for myself more. but yeah, he told me he had been kind of annoyed with me for complaining so much about school and that i should be grateful to have the opportunities that i do. i was like WTF dude. i'm allowed to be fucking stressed out. i felt like he was attacking me and invalidating my feelings. i'm like, i have a lot on my plate right now and i'm frustrated with trying to find a balance and not being able to do my best work at anything without sacrificing something else. like i'm not proud of any of the things i'm turning in and i feel like i'm not actually learning anything because i'm just trying to get it done on time and i'm not enjoying school at all the way i have the past three semesters. he pointed out like "well you have tuesdays thursdays and fridays off work" and i was like Why are you telling me how i should manage my time as if it's realistic to devote every waking hour i have off work to doing MORE work for school? Like it felt like he was suggesting I'm still not doing enough.

well he listened to what i said and agreed that he'd gotten it twisted and hadn't understood my point of view before. like he thought i was just being like "waaahhhh i hate homework my life sucks" when there was actually a lot more to it than that. and like yeah i KNOW my problems are insignificant compared to other peoples, but i hate when people bring that up, as if i'm not aware. like yeah i fucking know i'm not homeless or living in a war zone or dealing with whatever other issues. it doesn't mean i'm never allowed to feel frustrated with my own reality. i feel grateful for my life and i try to take a step back and appreciate what i have at least once a day, but it's unrealistic to have my thoughts be 24/7 like "i'm going to resist feeling upset about anything because other people have it way worse!" Like my experiences and emotions are valid too, and it's only human to have a narrow perspective sometimes. i can't be thinking about the grand scheme of everything all the fuckin time.

anyway i feel like i got my point across because he did acknowledge what i told him and said it made a lot more sense to him now. he assured me my feelings are valid. and thinking back i guess i didn't articulate my feelings super well before, so i do have to acknowledge that. but it felt good to lay it all out on the table to get some clarity. i also told him that i really need more reassurance from him, like i need him to communicate better when he's in a weird mood and ruminating on shit. like i completely understand that some people need a couple days to straighten out their thoughts, myself included. but i need to know he's not mad at me, or maybe he is mad at me and in that case i need to know why. otherwise my anxiety spirals and i come up with all these crazy scenarios about what i could have done wrong. so i told him that and he promised to do better, but then he told me i had to say i was going to do better too. which felt good i guess, that we're both equal in this relationship and we need to be held to the same standards. i know that one of sam's biggest criticisms of me was that i could be hypocritical, which i think is true. no one likes to acknowledge their shortcomings. i think i have been doing a lot better with accepting criticism though and i try to be aware of when i'm being a hypocrite. i've gotten better at apologizing.

but yeah we talked for two hours and i appreciate that we were able to have an honest discussion. i feel like he's able to take his emotions out of the equation and focus on the facts, which is something i find SO hard to do. like he's able to admit he's wrong and change his mind, which i also find so hard to do lol. it's refreshing but scary, like it's nice to have someone push me to talk about my behavior and feelings and stuff and really get me to self analyze, otherwise i just don't know if i'd be able to bring it up on my own because i'm scared. but he's set a precedent where he has called me out on my shit, and now i feel like i can call him out on his shit too and actually ask for what i want and he will listen. just like when he calls me out and i think it's unjustified, i can explain myself and he will actually listen. so i owe him the same.

another thing came up, which came up with sam too and just makes me feel so weird, was that i told luke i don't have any student debt and obviously am forever grateful for it. and he said that was part of the reason he'd been kinda weird towards me the past few days, because he felt jealous and he acknowledged that he had no right to take that out on me. it's like, i just don't know what i'm supposed to do man. like it's really through no control of my own that i ended up in a life where my parents were able to pay for my college. i'm grateful for it but i feel like people resent me and it makes me feel... guilty? embarrassed? like it's yet another situation where i feel like people don't think i have the right to be upset about anything ever because "you got your college paid for, your life is so easy!" like it's just... YES, i understand. but i don't know what i'm supposed to do in order to demonstrate to you how fucking grateful i am? i just don't know. i try to be generous to people as much as i can.

he told me one thing he likes about me is that i have a natural ability to fit in with other cultures and learn other languages, and he appreciates that it's genuine and not a superficial "woke" thing where i pretend i'm the authority on social issues and shit in other countries. so that was nice to hear. i do like that he is a deep thinker and likes me for who i am at my core, but i also like to be reassured that i'm funny or pretty or whatever. that stuff feels nice too. so i guess i'll bring that up next time.

#journal

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woozi · 3 years

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henlo yza <3 ,

hdjdkd i don't really have much knowledge abt different techniques & kind of dances so when the steps match the lyrics i'm like '!!! wow yes i love it' fhdjdjskks also bc i've grown up watching these kind of dances only so my that's what i tend to notice first hdjdjddk it is also one of the reason why i decided to stan svt dwc, oh my, thanks & our dawn is hotter than day's choreo details really impressed me.

maybe vincenzo is your svt club & ur so valid for that <3 hddjdjekek also pls don't say sorry!! you can talk abt it as much as you want i like knowing what you think. i'll let you know how was it for me when i complete it. & no homecha hasn't ended yet (idk if there are 16 or 14 eps i haven't checked) it does come on weekends, counting this sunday's ep, we're at 12th rn.

i get that fjdjdkkd i used to be the same 😭 always waiting for dramas to end so i can binge watch because not knowing what happens next would kill me. but idk when this happened, my will to watch anything died down bc the eps are just there, available for me to watch anytime. im like 'i'll watch it next time' but next time never comes 💀. this year i've watched no-air ones only hdjssj very surprising for me ( also my wack memory & svt content supports me by forgetting abt it after weekend ends dhdjdkkd) anyway i'm very excited to see how you like homecha!

CHURCH BOY JOSH HDHDJDDKKSLSDJ church boy josh, cringe domestic boy, joshua numbers. we've come up with so many nicknames for him in few asks only 😭😭 dbdjksksk deserve actually. BUT SO TRUE I STILL HAVE NO WORDS FOR HIM. THAT WAS- JUST- WOW OKAY WE SEE YOU 😭😭and dino lip piercing and hoshi eyebrow slit..... so sexy of them. cb concept pictures haven't come out yet & they're already shinning!! love to see that. also now we have gyu and hoshi's wedding reception pictures & cottagecore hannie (with that collarbone picture right in middle >:( wth mister but also hbd ig <3) being added in the equation.

IM CRYINGGGGGG THEY LOOK SO CUTE THEY ARE SO CUTE NOO 😭😭💔 HOW HAVE I NEVER SEEN THESE COVERS WTH (being the ex-directioner and all dhdjkdsksk). I SMILED SO WIDE WATCHING THEM <///3 it's been so long since i heard one thing wow lol. but! this means they know who zayn is. thank you for this jdjssk this is going to keep me happy for some time hdjdke. SUNDAY MORNING EHJEJEKE 😭 thank you <3 dndjdj

IKR???? IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS CB I'M ALSO EXCITED TO EXPERIENCE IT WITH YOU. agreee truly bless svt for helping keeping us from losing it over life (by making us lose it over them) tbh sometimes it worries me too with the way contents keep dropping but just now in these unit interviews being released, perf unit shared how they have ppl who encourage them to be okay with their tiredness. things like that put me at ease. hope they rest well from time to time too. honestly just looking at their tour schedules i used to get tired because these dudes used to have more shows and less day offs and some of them being used to just move from one city to another. i hope in coming years pledis changes that lol.

sameee for the poster release hdjdkeek. also even though there was scheduler, i forgot abt the concept trailer 😭 it was raining & bcoz of that power was out as well & i don't use data dhdjdkdk. i think 5 minutes after 12 kst power came back (you can say joshu's sparkler brought it back hdjdjdks) it literally left me speechless. yk that meme ' everyone remembers what they were doing & where they were when it happened ' that's me & you with this cb hfjdkd honestly that's everyone with this cb me thinks.

seventeenies bringing the grass to you w their posts djdjkd ( btw you can always tell me if silly little jokes get out of hand i wouldn't ever like to make you uncomfy) but seriously i hope uni doesn't give you hard time. don't worry much just keep moving forward, at some point whatever is making you feel stuck will move away eventually.

is it that obvious? 😭😭😭😭 no i don't like rain at all dhjddk (i actually didn't dislike it as much during teens) mostly because road drainage system sucks here & we live in lower area so even moderate rain causes water logging. i'd give you some rain but this one's bad so i won't </3 ( as if i could if it were the good one 💀) stay hydrated!!! drink two sips of water everytime you hear dino laugh, i hope it cools a little soon.

that's what being on tumblr since 2012 does to you 😭 ALSO UR SO FUNNY PLS, SO ARE THE MEMES YOU USE FOR ASKS DJDJDKD. *hands you bunny headband dino* it's dangerous outside take this, you too stay safe out there 😭😭😭😭 love you too <3 and thank YOU for hanging out w me hehe :3, also dw tbh these asks have become one of the highlights for me now & i'm only using my free time excluding resting time, i hope you are too, no pressure at all! dw about being late - 🪂

ps - did i tell you i actually followed your svt blog around the time everyone was guessing your biases hddjkddj i sent mingyu & jeonghan dhdjdj that was my first ask :3 - 🪂

henlo, 🪂!! <3 <3 <3

honestly it doesnt matter to me tbh <3 if people enjoy the dance its all that matters!! and omg i can see that!! i love the svteenies always bring something fresh to the table

omg that means you're near the end 😭😭😭 i keep seeing gifs of it on my dash and it makes me feel a lil lovesick ngl HJFHJFHD why is it so TENDER????????????????

ok but that's so valid too bc that's me rn with in the soop.... i literally have not watched the 6th ep yet 😭 and i'm getting the feeling youre mentioning w swf now because i literally always look forward to tuesdays just for the next ep HJDHJDS also i am dumb what are no-airs HJDHJDHHD and ur not alone tbh <3 i have also been super forgetful lately and that is not like me fdhjdfjhdfhjdfhj we're rotting in this hellsite ig

love bullying him i just wanna know how he'd react if he gets upset <3 i dont think we've ever seen angry josh and i wanna make him angry sm HSDHJSDJ im glossing over dino lip piercing to directly go over hOSHI EYEBROW SLIT BC HELLO??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ive never really liked eyebrow slits but he makes them look so- i want him to hurt me HJDSHJDHJDS ALSO THE LATEST SET OF PHOTOS OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD they're giving me what i've been asking for i love being here sm <3 soonyoung's so chummy w everyone have u seen his photos w jihoon last night 😭 he's literally tamed the actual tiger icb this. and no oh my god i do not Know what Collarbone Jeonghan is i have erased him from my memories thank u

HDSHDSJDSHJDS the ex-directioner is so funny to me 😭 i think we have all been there one way or another <3 and ofc omg <3 i'm glad my core svt memories make u happy HSDJHJDFHJHJDSF

they literally said escapism hELP ME 😭😭😭😭😭 i think they're also just workaholics in general. i would be too if i actually enjoyed what i did for a living 😭 and are we even gonna get tours in the near future.... this is so sad i havent even seen them irl </3

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OMG that's terrible, i hope u guys were okay though :/ AND NOT THE JOSH SPARKLER FDDHJFHDFHJFDHFDH now i have to think about him oh my god i think i passed out a little when eyebrow piercing josh came on screen and just full on blacked out when the match scene came on tbh 😭 JKSDJKDSKDS ITS LIKE THE PANDEMIC!!!!!!! WE WILL RMB!!!!!!!!!

ALSOO NOOO OMG i dont feel uncomf at all and u should also tell me if i do make u feel so <3 thank u for even mentioning that!! also love that they're Doing It All for us we dont even have to go out to touch grass anymore HJDSHJSDJ i've actually been v happy w uni omg!! just that i often feel stressed bc they give us sm things to do </3 thank u for ur kind words!!

that's the price of being an adult JDJSJKD now we gotta think of things like.. idk the effects of rain 😭😭😭 i used to even love it when it flooded as a kid HJDSHJSDHJ now i get anxious too!! i love all kinds of rain though so i wont mind JKKSDKJSDKJD just that other people might be affected </3 wish i had my own rain cloud on some kind of leash lmao. ALSO IF I DRINK WATER EVERY TIME I HEAR DINO LAUGH FDHFDHJDFHD gonna be bloated but hydrated af ngl

oh my gOD YOU WERE HERE SINCE 2012???? we're literally sick bestie <3 i genuinely think tumblr has changed something fundamental in me and my way of thinking has not been The Same as idk.. regular people ig JDSHJSDHJSD THE OFFLINE PEOPLE!! smth about tumblr is so <3 sick but also i love this hellsite so 😗 AND NOOO NOT THE MEMES FDHDFHJDF its my broken sense of humor and inability to convey emotions properly HHSDHJDSHJ

BUNNY HEADBAND DINO?????????????????????????????????????? honestly he'd bring me more harm than protection i'll say that much 😭

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 that genuinely made me feel so warm & fuzzy, i always look forward to your messages too <3 <3 <3 i hope u always have good days u deserve it for being such a sweetheart

WAIT HELLO???????????????????????? YOU'VE BEEN HERE FOR SO LONG THEN 😭😭😭😭😭 and im so impressed you didnt get weeded out ngl HFDHJFDHJFD icb you've been witnessing me going more ill everyday <3 ur a soldier

and u are partially correct abt mingyu & jh <3 at least during the time JSDJDSJKSDJK i think i've been desensitized to mingyu now but i still love him sm <3 he's just so cute and cutesy boys kinda infuriate me in an affectionate way so HJSDHJDSHJDSH

#🪂 anon #anon #y.ask #long post

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wingletblackbird · 7 years

Note

you know... this seems an awful lot like a constant battle you're fighting uphill. I don't have people with diabetes in my environment, and I cannot imagine how difficult it can be every single day... damn. So.. I absolutely respect what you do every day. I'm speechless. I read these pro-con posts and your experiences, and I'm more and more frustrated that there isn't more media coverage, or more awareness raised about these symptoms, and how to help the diabetic community. It's eye-opening

It is a constant battle for sure. You have to deal with it 24/7, and there’s no respite, or vacation. Even if you have your diabetes pretty much in control, you can never stop and take a break, or it’ll get out of control again. My diabetes is pretty much under control at the moment, and to put that into perspective that means I am low 2-3 times a week, and slightly high maybe 1-3 times a week. That’s the best it’s been in a few weeks. That sense of being in control will last about 2 weeks, I dare say, (if I’m lucky), before something will happen to throw it off. Then, it’ll take a couple days to find the right patterns again, if not longer, and it could be anything that caused the fluctuations: An infection, a virus you killed quickly before you really felt it, but still made your sugar levels funny; you could be stressed which raises your blood sugar; you could be tired which raises your blood sugar; you could have walked for ten minutes too long, and that lowered your blood sugar. etc. It’s something you have to constantly watch to make sure you catch everything, and everything you do is relevant to keeping it in line. Even then, sometimes there’s no explanation at all. Then, if you do it all reasonably well, you can hope to have decades before the serious complications set in: (Kidney failure, blindness, nerve damage, etc.)

So, yes, it is difficult, and it is scary. Having said that, you do get used to it. I don’t think about complications, and how taxing it is on a daily basis; I would be downright depressed if I did. I’ve just learned to live with it. The fears are always there, but they’re just something you get so used to it doesn’t really register. You can get used to anything, as they say. However, there do come those bad days when you don’t know why your body is rebelling, and you panic, and feel miserable, because nothing’s going right, and you realise again just how close you are to dying painfully if you’re not careful. Unsurprisingly, there is a high correlation of depression, suicide, and anxiety attacks amongst diabetics. It can be quite stressful.

This is why I get frustrated by the lack of media coverage that you pointed out. It is an issue. Just seeing someone in the media, in a movie, on TV, a character who has diabetes that is represented well mind you, can be a big source of inspiration. It’s someone we can relate to. Someone to make us feel less alone, and someone who can inspire us to keep going. Fiction influences life, and vice versa. Having a diabetic character would help those who have diabetes keep their courage, and would help those who don’t understand what it’s like know how to help. Moreover, it could help them the day they get their diagnosis, and some of them will. It won’t be such an “out there” concept. They’ll have some idea of what to expect. It could probably also prevent needless deaths that come from people who don’t recognise the symptoms. To some, DKA looks like the flu!

This is doubly important because diabetes is becoming an epidemic. More and more people are becoming diabetic everyday, T2D being especially common. People need to be aware of the symptoms. People need to know what to do. People need to know the difference between T1D, and T2D. The former is not preventable, but the latter can be. T2D is linked to obesity, and weight loss can help prevent it. However, in many cases it is also just plain genetic; you can get it without being overweight. Sometimes, it’s as unpreventable as T1D, but either way being careful about your diet, and your exercise may buy you decades of time before you get it. People need to understand all of this. Diabetes is the 7th most common cause of death in the USA, and the 6th most common in in Canada. Nor is it a condition limited to North America, it is a global phenomenon with million and millions of victims. In spite of this, most people don’t know that T1D isn’t preventable, that there is a difference between T1D and T2D, that there are even two different types of diabetes,in other words, the basics.There are something like 7.2 million undiagnosed T2Ds in the USA alone who probably don’t even know what their symptoms can lead to until it’s far to late, and there are many more pre-diabetics who don’t understand that they’re at risk. It’s imperative that people understand what they can and cannot do to help others and themselves. It’s imperative that people know the warning signs. I’m so glad you find this eye-opening, because that is exactly what I was hoping for. Too many people die every year, because of ignorance. We seriously need more coverage of this issue. Diabetes causes more deaths than breast cancer and AIDS combined.

I’m not entirely certain why there isn’t more media coverage about diabetes, but I have two guesses. The first is that until the discovery of insulin in the ‘20s, diabetes was a terminal illness. When insulin was finally made available, it was like this miracle drugs, and everyone thought it made everything better, and didn’t stop to consider how hard diabetes as a chronic illness might be. The truth is, insulin doesn’t make you better; it isn’t a cure-all. It just enables you to survive another day. However, this idea that now you’ve got insulin you’re fine, just don’t eat sugar has prevailed, and has never really left. Secondly, the rise of T2D diabetes has been correlated to the Western diet with emphasis on the fast and processed foods in particular, and I doubt the all-mighty corporations want that kind of publicity, so it stays more silent then it should. It’s just a theory, but that’s what I believe. Either way, or whatever the reason is, it’s a major issue, and I’m so glad to hear that my posts have been doing at least their small, tiny part to fill that gap, and thanks, as always, for the support. 😊.

#akai-ayleid

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5hfanfiction · 8 years

Text

Too Close To Home - Chapter 13

“Mila, what happened to your arm?” someone calls me while I burn holes through Lauren’s and Lucy’s heads, getting lovey-dovey in the corner of the room.

“Huh, oh, I got a tattoo,” I look at the source of sound, realizing that it’s Dinah.

“Holy shit, can I see?”

“Later.. You’re gonna sleep here again right?”

“Yeah..” She says. “Are you okay? You seem dazed and down. I’m sorry we hosted a surprise party in your suite without your consent.”

“It’s okay. I love that you guys did this actually. It’s really sweet so thank you. I’m just a bit tired since your annoying ass woke me up early than humanly possible.” I smile, pretending to be okay. It’s not that that’s making me down, it’s the fact that Lauren hasn’t said one word to me the second we walk through the door. I understand that we’ve been at each other’s faces since morning, but it doesn’t give her the right to ignore me. It just made my suspicion of her hanging with me as a tactic to stall me as the others get ready for the surprise more valid.

Hell, she might’ve rented the whole restaurant so people won’t see us together.

Music were playing and there were foods near the dining table. The guests were a mixture of celebrities and friends. Ever since I released my album, I’ve gotten the necessary recognition from singers and producers nationwide. But even if I’m somewhat famous, it still feels weird that there are idols I look up to even before I was in X-Factor here. I wonder how the girls got in touch with them. It’s crazy.

Dinah, Ally and Normani came with food on their hands minutes later. Dinah brought two plates with her, one for her and one for me.

They sat on the couch near the one I’m sitting on. There are 3 couches in total, mine is on the side, facing the other couch while the other one is facing the TV, horizontal from my point of view. They’re sitting on the one facing the TV.

We talked as we empty the food contents on our plates. I love how they have the decency to actually hang out with me. Some people hosts a surprise party for their friend but once the surprise is over, they tend to leave their friend alone and talk to the guests instead. I’m just glad that they care about me enough to not leave me alone.

Lauren and Lucy came moments later, hand in hand, sitting on the other couch across from mine. They mostly talk amongst themselves. Sometimes, they would chime in if one of us asks them a question or if the story involves them but other than that, they’re basically living in their love bubble. My stomach just ties in knots every time I hear both of them giggle.

It sucks. It really does. I seriously don’t know how to react. Like God, before yesterday, I was so convinced that I’ve moved on. But ever since this morning, my mind just fluctuates and I don’t know how I feel. In a span of less than 24 hours, Lauren has managed to destroy every single bricks I’ve stacked up around my heart.

And just after that thought, Miley Cyrus’s Wrecking Ball starts to play in the background. God, you fucker.

I think I managed to think that I’ve moved on before this was because of the busy schedule this year. I haven’t thought of her - or any of my personal life really. Every single day was either promoting my album or having meetings on how to promote my album. So if I didn’t even have time to talk to my family, what makes you think that I have time to think about Lauren?

So now, after being with Lauren for the day, making me realize what I’ve missed, I can’t help but feel my heart constrict painfully as I look at them. But I won’t say anything. Lauren has explicitly said that she wants us to be purely friends, so if I thought that the time we had just hours ago was somewhat a date, it’s on me. Lauren never indicated that it was anything more than friendly. Sure, she flirted and stuff, but friends do that sometimes. And she’s a flirt, so that kind of justifies the actions she did, right?

Besides, the reason we lost touch was because I expressed my feelings too much. I don’t want to repeat the past, I don’t think I could go through losing Lauren for what feels like the tenth time. It’s better this way.

Friends. Friends. Friends. I repeat those mantra over and over in my mind, maybe then I could convince myself that we could just be that.

“Chancho, you should sing for us,” Dinah says, diverting my attention from Lauren to her. I have a feeling that she knows. Her eyes has a hint of sympathy and every time I was looking at Lauren, she would be the one diverting my attention.

And she does so easily, just by calling me Cheechee. I haven’t heard that nickname since forever. Now that I’ve heard it, I can’t help but feel bittersweet.

We’re growing up so fast. Too fast in my opinion.

“Me? Nooo..”

“Oh come on…” she nudges before shouting, “Guys..” catching everyone’s attention as she does so, “who wants to hear Camila sing?”

A round of loud claps and cheers erupted in the room. I grew nervous as they all saunter their way to the room and make a circle around the couches, the girls and I being in the middle.

Lauren suddenly walks away, only to come back with a guitar on her hand. There was a bow placed on it.

“Well, I planned on giving this the traditional way, but it seems more convenient this way. Happy Birthday, Camz,” she says as she hugs me. This is the first time she has actually talked to me since the party started. She walks back to the couch beside Lucy.

It’s funny really, the action she just did sums up our relationship. No matter how thoughtful and sweet she is to me, she’ll always walk back to Lucy at the end of the day. It happened 2 years ago and its happening now. I just should’ve known better.

Its so nerve-wrecking. Singing in front of ten thousand random people and probably repetitive fans is one thing, singing right now in front of celebrities is another. I anticipated every single concert I’ve performed, every movement was calculated. This is different because it’s spontaneous, I don’t even know what song to sing.

I look around, trying to get an idea of the songs from my album but ends up forgetting every single lyrics on them. My eyes stop at Lauren and Lucy’s intertwined hand and that’s when I finally know what song.

I strum the guitar on my lap, trying to find the right tune from my new guitar. Everyone’s scrutinizing eyes are on me, looking at my every movement.

Finally, after 5 minutes of silence in the room except for the strumming and probably my loud heart beating, I started to sing.

Stay back, stay long, and you move on I stress, come close, move on, please don’t

This is actually a song, or rather a draft, from 2014. It was during the time Lauren had a thing with Brad. They were never together officially but they did hook up. It was when I was certain that I liked Lauren more than just friends.

I guess I could adapt these lyrics now. Lauren’s moved on. But then, even if she does so, she tries to keep me close as I try to move on, making my attempts to move on in vain.

Hello, how are you? How you've been? Lately I wonder how it feels to steal your kiss Nothing much, just fine I'm doing well And you can read between the lines but God, I fell

I did record it in the studio last year but it was never released officially. The producers said it was too emotional and I should sing more pop-ish song. The songs on the album was somewhat emotional, but it was the type that catches the public’s attention because it’s relatable. This one was just ‘too depressing’. They tried to produce it and edit everything but I refused to put it on my album. Simply because it was meant to be raw and stripped. I don’t want it to be some generic song people listen to where the music catches more attention than the lyrics.

Another reason was because it was one of the first song I’ve ever written, so of course I said no. Imagine this, a painter being asked to change the colors on his work because it looks depressing. It’s basically the same thing.

I only told the moon, tonight up on the roof I told her that I'm scared that all my thoughts they look like you I only told the moon, about the way you move I asked her to please tell me if you tell things to her too

One time in 2014, when Lauren went to a party with Brad, I went to the roof of our temporary apartment with my guitar and my journal.

I felt suffocated at the thought of Lauren having fun with Brad so I went to a less physically closed off space and the roof was the most convenient one. As I sat there, I felt like the moon was my only companion at that time. I had people around me everyday, but at the same time, I’ve never felt more lonely than before. I looked at the only thing that I could look up to, the moon. Everyday, she never fails to show. So at that time, as I look at her, my mind flowed everywhere with no sense of direction. I needed to straighten them so writing was my only resolve. It were all random ramblings at first but I saw that I could turn it into lyrics.

I was hoping, always hoping, that Lauren would feel the same about me, even if it’s merely a percentage of how I felt.

Silence. Too loud. Say it, not now

This verse might be the short and simple. But it is complex in it’s own way. It shows how my mind is indecisive. I wanted to tell her that I had feelings for her but at the same time, I was perfectly content with how we were that I didn’t want that to change.

That time, on the roof, it was silent. The only thing I could hear was my constant writing and probably a few honks here and there, but other than that, my mind was the only one that was speaking.

So how are you? How you've been? Lately I wonder how it feels to taste your lips Nothing much, just fine I'm doing well And you can read between the lines but God, I fell

When Lauren actually started hanging out with Brad, she had been spending less time with me. I’m not mad about that or anything because here’s the sad truth, no matter how much you believe in the saying, 'Bros without hoes,’ or in my case, 'uterus before duderuses,’ at the end of the day, the somewhat 'Hoes’ are the ones in your future.

It wasn’t that that hurt me, it was the fact that I couldn’t express my feelings. Yes, we were close, we could tell things to each other, but at the same time, I can’t. I had to consider everything - Fifth Harmony and our friendships. But mostly, I had to consider my heart. What if I told Lauren how I felt and it ends up going downhill. I had to look at the silver lining of being just friends. At least I still had her, right?

I eventually did tell her. But it was months after Lauren and Brad stopped talking.

But now that I think about it, Lauren has revealed that she fell for me after she broke up with Luis. Brad was after Luis. Did she like me when she was dating Brad? Was that why she spent less time with me? She did say that she was confused.

Maybe she was scared of the idea of dating me.

Aahhh and another loves song will play on the radio, you know Aahhh and I'll wait for the moon to lean in close and say…

That he only told the moon, tonight up on the roof He told me that he's scared that all her thoughts they look like you I only told the moon, about the way you move I asked her to please tell me if you tell this to her too

That I give it all to you, I give it all to you, I give it all to you

He only told the moon

The room was silent as I sing the outro. It was intense, the tension was high. Everyone was either staring at me or staring at their phone cameras that are pointing at me.

Lauren looked like she’s lost in her thoughts. She probably knows that it’s about her.

Again, I’m not subtle. I never was.

***

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday dear Camila, Happy Birthday to you~” the crowd sings while Dinah brings the cake in front of me.

I blew the cake with a mouth-eating grin and cut a part of the cake while phones flashed in front of me.

After that was all done, I walked around, greeting the guests and making small talks. I don’t really know some of them but it was still nice that they showed up, the least I could do was to pretend that they’re interesting. But if I listen to them, all I could hear is how great my music or how they want a collaboration, it feels like they’re using me.

Fortunately, one of the famous guests here was Ariana. Over the years, we have grown close as both our careers blossomed. We were similar in more ways than one. We are both flirty, both dorks and most importantly, we are both highly sexualized in the public eye.

Since I know she’s here, we’ve been hip-to-hip the whole night. We talk and made jokes while the others were busy with their own group.

The girls came after some time. Luckily, Ariana and the girls are well acquainted so we easily fell to laid-back conversations, making jokes here and there.

“So Camila, are you dating anyone?” Ally starts up, making Lauren look up from her phone immediately, anticipating for my answer. Oh, so now you look at me.. Bitch.

“Nope,” I say with a pop.

Ariana gasps dramatically beside me and placed her hand on her chest, mocking a heartache. “What am I then?”

I laugh. Ariana is a flirt so it’s natural for her to make jokes like these.

“You’re my wife,” I smile cutely as I huddle myself closer to her. She knows that I like girls, but she never gave two fucks about it. She still flirts because she knows that I won’t like her romantically.

She wraps her hand around me in a protective way. She’s straight. That one, I can promise you.

As I look around, I notice that Lauren is staring intensely on Ariana. If looks could kill, my body would be drenched by Ariana’s blood right now. She seems like she’s shooting daggers with her eyes. She looks like she’s… jealous.

It’s so unfair. She, herself, is freaking cuddling with her fiancé across from me and she’s the jealous one. She’s obviously fucking Lucy, I’m just flirting with a friend here.

All the thinking is making me hungry. I stand up to grab one of the potato chips on the coffee table.

“Hey Camila?” Ariana calls out, making me turn my head back at her as I lean towards the surprisingly huge coffee table, trying to reach for the food on the other side.

“Yeah?”

“Is your dad a baker?”

“What? No? Why?” I laugh at her random question.

“Because you got nice buns,” she says, mocking a male voice as she does so.

“You’re such a dork, are you drunk?” I question, sitting back down next to her as I chew on the chips.

“No.. Wait yes.. But I’m not intoxicated by those alcohol, I’m intoxicated by you.”

I laugh at Ariana once again. She has endless amounts of pick up lines, she even told me one time that she has books just about the. Definitely a dork.

Lauren scoffs softly across from me. None of the girls could hear it - well except for Lucy - but I could, even if she’s farther from me.

I look at her in disbelief. Is she kidding me? What right does she has to hate on Ariana’s attempts in trying to 'get in my pants’?

I decided to play a little. If she hates this so much, imagine if I’m the one who’s the one making suggestive jokes on Ariana.

“Hey Ariana.. Your clothes look good on you,” I say, loud enough for Lauren to hear.

“Really? Is that all you got? Camila… I’m appalled, I thought you could do better than that,” Ariana points out playfully.

“ -But I bet you would look better without them.” I say with a smirk, knowing that Lauren’s probably fuming at this point. I feel.. smug.

The girls laughed as I finished my pick up line. Ariana smiles proudly like a mother proud of her kid. But instead of being proud of the kid’s achievement in scoring at a sports game, she’s proud at how I can make sexual jokes. I can only imagine how her future kids will turn out - probably fuckboys and players.

The rest of the night after that was pretty uneventful. There were talking and stuffs, a lot more jokes and pickup lines passed around between Ariana and I, making Lauren’s face contort into a frown for the rest of the night.

I don’t know about you but I call this a successful day.

The guests slowly disperse, leaving me with the girls and Ariana at the end of the day.

Ashlee called me sometime that night, apologizing for not coming because of some family problems. I just shrugged it off, saying that it’s okay. If I’m being honest, I’m actually quite grateful that she can’t come. It’s not that I don’t want her company, it’s just that she knows about Lauren and if she saw what I did, she would’ve picked it up easily and scolded me for trying to make Lauren jealous.

My parents called me too, and we talked for some time. God how I miss them.

Ariana decided to call it a night an hour later, saying that she’s tired and that she has a busy day tomorrow.

The girls decided to rent two more rooms in the hotel. They said that they wanted to hang with me once more tomorrow and it’s more convenient since it’s late now and their apartment building is quite far. And by the girls, I mean Lauren, Lucy, Normani and Ally, Dinah wants to crash on mine again.

I just hope she doesn’t hit me with a pillow again tomorrow.

#UPDATE #series #non AU #camren #angst drama #romance fluff #submission #Too Close To Home

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niktizzy · 6 years

Conversation

I miss Myspace, so here

1. First thing you wash in the shower?

My hair

2. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?

Oh, well I would have to say coffee but I do drink a lot of beer and tequila. Both?

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Nope

4. Do you plan outfits?

If I have to, if it's for a special occasion then yes. If it's for work or just around town, hard no. Whatever I pick up first

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?

E X A U S T E D

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?

My blanket or my couch

7. What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body?

Look at it for a second, turn around and yell, "alright, which one of you didn't clean up your mess?" to my roommates

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?

I can't remember my dreams

9. Three of your current feelings?

Tired, depressed, excited

10. What are you craving right now?

For someone to tell me I'm doing great. That I'm on the right path and everything will work out. Honestly, that's all I want

11. Turn ons?

Physical: Fade, muscles, tattoos, & scruff

Sexual: lip biting, ass grabbing, biting, choked, slapped, teased & being rough.

12. Turn offs?

Bad smile, terrible sense of humor, garbage taste of music, fuck boy life style, awfull kisser

13. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?

Trash

14. When was the last time you cried? Why?

Well as of late, it was from me over thinking and going into a depressed state

15. If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be?

Honestly, a girl version of deadpool even though he's not a super hero. I know but I guess I would say I guess black widow or storm

16. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize?

Lolzzz no mate

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?

Lick it you fucking animal

18. Favorite movie ever?

Fight Club or SLC Punk

19. Do you like yourself?

Some days

20. Have you ever met a celebrity?

Yeah, I've met a few

21. Could you handle being in the military?

22. What are you listening to right now?

My spotify playlist that is mostly made of pop punk

23. How many countries have you visited?

Just the United States

24. Are your parents strict?

When I was younger, yes 100%. I use to get so frustrated too, but now, I understand. I love them and appreciate them

25. Would you go sky diving?

Why not?

26. Would you go out to eat with a stranger?

I have before so what's one more person

27. Whats on your mind right now?

A lot, but it's not worth bringing up

28. Is there anything you want to say to someone?

I hope you like watching me succeed and make you wish you never played with my emotions, shit head

29. Have you ever been in a castle?

White Castle

30. Do you rent movies often?

I use to, RIP Block Buster

31. Whats your zodiac sign?

Libra

32. When was the last time you had sex?

Last month

33. Name five facts about yourself.

I enjoy watching people getting tattos

I'm a ginger (I've always bleached my hair)

I use to train for MMA

I can't eat bread anymore without feeling like shit

Vodka makes me angry

34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened?

I mean I work in a city so, I almost get killed every time I walk across the street

35. Do you believe in karma or predestiny?

Yeah, karma, she may not show herself right away but she'll catch up to you

36. Brown or white eggs?

Neither

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?

Old band shirts

38. Ever been on a train?

Honestly no

39. Ever been in love?

Love is for posers

40. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it?

Hell yes

41. If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with?

I'm good lol

42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to becopme more attractive, would you do it?

Nah I'm good with being a potato

43. Whom do you admire and why?

My parents, they have to deal with me

44. What was your favorite bedtime story as a child?

I do not remember

45. You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do?

Nothing heroic, I would call the fire department

46. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you?

I can't choose that, they have to find their own path. I just hope they don't have to go through all the rough times like I did to get there

47. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol?

Honestly, I use to love smoking but it just fucked with my training and fitness so I stopped. I just never found a reason to go back. I would be so relaxed, less stress, love the world a little more. I don't have a novel of my drug usage because I honestly don't, but if I had to choose without any consequences, it would be smoking

48. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol?

I love drinking, but every time, especially as I get older, it just sucks waking up. But when I drink vodka in particular, I can be very sweet and flirty and if I see something I don't like or someone is pissing me off, it's like a switch, a bad switch and I plot your murder lol

50. As your walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it?

No man, issa trap

51. If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them?

Yeah, they would more than likely need me more than ever. Why leave them?

52. In front of you are 10 pistols, 5 of which are loaded.

If you survive you’d receive 100 million dollars. Would you be willing to place 1 to your head and pull the trigger?

Half of me says yes and the other half says, "bitch are you crazy" so I kind of have to go with her lol

53. How old were you when you lost your virginity?

17 I think

54. Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires?

I believe there are things that roam this earth that are not human

55. If you could live forever, would you want to?

I would want to travel, watch the sunset everyday on a beach somewhere, and be less stressed

56. Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are?

Fuckkk, I would have to say Stevo from SLC Punk

57. If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit?

Maybe the 70's but more than likely the future

58. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it?

I mean, they kind of show that on CNN and such already sooo

59. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it?

Hell no

60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to?

I'm honestly terrified to have a kid but if I had to choose, a girl

61. Would you rather live longer or be wealthy?

It's a toss up mate, you either struggle and live forever or live about the amount of time you thought you would be alive and be wealthy.

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