#i'm kind of dreading making it to that birthday. it just feels like a hurdle i'm not ready to jump ovet
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feel weird. can't sleep. ack
#i. im dreading something. and im not sure what exactly#well no. i kind of do know what i'm dreading#oh god not to get all personal but i didn't think i'd make it to that birthday.#i'm kind of dreading making it to that birthday. it just feels like a hurdle i'm not ready to jump ovet#i know the time will pass and it's just a day#and it really means nothing. but still#i almost feel like. like i shouldn't have made it.#NOT IN A LOGICAL WAY. i'm happy i'm alive even if i don't like my life very much#but...im going to have made it. and for some reason i can't stand that#i don't want to do anything on the day. just want to cry.#i don't know why i hate....im not even sure what i hate#i hate that... that this day will come at all.#i. i need to sleep. but i can't. because i just feel weird about it all#maybe i should be proud of myself. i just kind of feel. disgusted. and i'm not sure why#disgusted at the idea that i should be proud of myself too.#i don't want to be told i should be proud. even by myself.#i've done nothing. this hasn't been worth it. even if i like being alive#none of this is real logic. i'm self aware enough to understand that.#i don't want to wake up tomorrow and continue the damn dread countdown. the dread count to a day that doesn't even matter#i'll just wake up and cry. and do nothing. and the day will pass. and then every other day will pass.#persimmon's rambles
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