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kaminocasey · 1 year ago

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25 Days of Life Day: Day 2 - Hot Cocoa with Cody

A/N: I've decided to dabble with a Modern!AU bc I've never done that before. So, here is this. I hope it's alright!! Big shout out to @idledreams because this wouldn't be what it was without her! I'm planning on making another part for this. And perhaps a series, POSSIBLY. Either way, very excited for you to read this!

Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI; Professor!Cody x College Student!Reader (About to be done with his class). So if that's not for you, I completely understand!

WC: 1.6K

The line in Java Hut’s is incredibly long this morning but it’s not that big of a deal because you have about another hour before you have to be in class to take your history final. And since campus is only a few blocks away, you pull out your book as you stand in line to wait.

Having just started the book last night before bed, you were eager to pick it back up this morning. Unfortunately, you’d forced yourself to put it down and go to sleep so you’d be well rested for your last final of the semester. But since you’ve got the time to kill…

About five minutes into reading, you hear a familiar deep voice in your ear. “Last minute studying for your final?”

You look behind you and see your history professor, Cody. The incredibly hot professor who you’ve been crushing on since the first day of the semester.

“Oh, hi.” You feel yourself go warm in the face and show him your book you’re reading. “No, actually. The Secret History.”

“Good read.” He smiles that heart clenching smile and you nod in agreement. “First time reading it?”

You nod. “Mmhm.”

“You’ll have to let me know what you think.” He smiles down at you and you hope to god that your jaw isn’t on the floor.

“Uh, yeah. I definitely will.” You tell him, trying your best to not freeze up.

You’ve never spoken to him outside of the classroom so this is new to you. And despite how uncool you sound right now, you rather like it. It’s way tamer than the fantasies you have at night of him.

“Next!” The barista breaks you out of the spell his warm brown eyes are holding over you.

“Right.” You chuckle, turning to order.

“Ours are together.” Cody tells her from behind you.

You can feel his warm chest against your back and it takes everything in you to not lean into him. He smells warm like sandalwood and leather.

You look up at him and start to protest but the look he gives you looks final and you nod, murmuring your thanks with burning cheeks as you turn back to the barista.

“A large hot chocolate, please.” You smile.

She smirks, knowingly at you.

“Hot chocolate, huh? Sure. Make it two. Thanks.” He bumps his elbow into your side, teasingly.

As you move out of the line to go wait for your drinks, you find a sofa by the window, noticing the snow coming down. It’s your favorite time of the year and you’d do anything to live somewhere where it looked like this all year round.

“Not a coffee drinker or is it just a seasonal thing?” He rests an arm around the back of the sofa, which also happens to be around you as well.

You’re not complaining.

“No, I’m afraid not. Just a little too bitter for me.” You shrug, pulling your foot up under you, making you accidentally lean a little closer to him.

He doesn’t seem to mind, thankfully.

“Too bitter…” He muses, clearly amused.

You’re trying to figure out what to say to him without sounding like an idiot. He’s probably one of the smartest people you’ve ever met and you’ve found yourself dreading the end of the semester, because that means you’re not going to see him again.

“I’m… going to miss your class.” You tell him, looking from the window back to him.

“I’m going to miss having you in my class.” He smiles, kindly.

“Eh. You’ll have another star pupil next semester.” You shrug, hiding a grin.

He chuckles. “I suppose so…”

Your stomach drops at his words.

“But that’s not why I’m going to miss you.” He leans in, whispering.

You feel your lips part and suddenly his lips are so close to yours when you turn your head, you’re caught off guard by the barista calling out “Cody!”

“Be right back.” He winks and walks back toward the counter.

You try to still your pounding heart before he comes back, to no avail. Does he know the effect he has on people? On you?

Of course he does.

When he sits back down, a little further away than before, he hands you your hot chocolate with a playful look.

“Here’s your warm chocolate milk.” He grins.

His smile sets your insides on fire and you shake your head with a soft laugh.

“You tease but at least it’s better than that bitter bean water you drink.” You shrug, making him laugh boisterously.

It’s probably the best sound you’ve ever heard, you think to yourself while you softly blow into the mug before taking a sip. When you look at him again, his eyes are on your lips and you take a napkin off the coffee table and dab at your lips.

“Do I have something on my face?” Self consciousness creeps in and he gently pulls your hand away from your face.

“No, your face is perfect.” He rushes out, then pauses when he realizes what he said and lets go of your hand. “I’m sorry.”

You shake your head, letting him know it's okay.

Does he feel this spark too?

“Growing up, I lived with my grandparents. I was incredibly close with my grandmother…” You start to tell him. “The first day that the weather turned cold in November, she would keep us home from school. She called it a mental health day and would put on Christmas movies and make a bunch of baked treats and hot chocolate of course. She never drank coffee.”

“Wow. Sounds like she was better than me.” He smiles, teasingly.

“Different instances. She didn’t need the coffee.”

“And I do?”

“To grade a couple hundred papers? Probably.” You shrug with a smirk.

“So, I take it that teaching isn’t in your future.” He sips his hot chocolate, trying to hide a face of distaste.

It’s clear this man survives on coffee.

“I’m sure you could probably get them to spike it with coffee if you ask nicely.” You tease.

“Chocolate coffee does not sound enticing.” He shakes his head, but he glances up at the barista, clearly debating it.

“I think that might be the only way someone could get me to drink coffee.”

“Hold on.” He puts his finger up with a smirk and walks up to the counter where they call out orders and flags down the barista, saying something to her that makes her glance at you with raised eyebrows and he shrugs.

You look at him with narrowed eyes and he throws you a wink, making you feel like the hot chocolate is suddenly burning you from the inside out. You glance at your phone, realizing you have thirty minutes until you have to get to class, and as if he has the same thought process, he glances at his watch and then back at you.

He pulls out his phone, leaning on the counter waiting for the barista to come back and types something out for a moment before putting it back into his pocket.

Your phone chimes, indicating an email and you open it.

Hello World History 401 students,

Out of the goodness of my heart, and in the spirit of the holidays, today’s final will be canceled. Enjoy your break.

-Prof. Cody

Your head whips up so fast, you nearly give yourself whiplash. He just canceled the final… To spend time with you? Your chest clenches just in time for him to come back with two cups of coffee and he hands you one. Yours is significantly lighter than his and you debate which question to ask him first.

“I told her to make it taste the least bit like ‘bitter bean water’ she could.” He grins.

“You canceled the final.”

“I did.”

“Why?”

“I’ve always envied Santa Claus. Giving people what they really want for Christmas.” He shrugs, taking his cup of black coffee, pouring it into the hot chocolate and stirring it.

You watch him take a sip and he sighs with dramatic delight.

“Much better.” He nods.

“Cody. The final.” You can’t even focus on the hot chocolate.

He shrugs. “I’m enjoying our conversation.”

“You can’t just cancel a final-”

“Oh really? Why did I go through eight years of school, if not to be able to make some kids’ day by canceling a final?”

“Cody…”

He sighs your name and the way he does sends your heart into a fit of wild pittering that you’re pretty sure you’re not going to recover from.

“Listen. If you really wanna take the final, here.” He pulls out a small stack of papers out of his briefcase and hands them to you. “But, you’ve already passed in my mind, so I don’t know if it’s even worth the hassle.”

Your eyes skim over the page. “A… B… A…”

He snatches the papers back, shoving them back into his case. “Insufferable.”

“All I hear is that I’m the best student and deserve an A.” You shrug, finally taking a sip of your hot chocolate coffee and then immediately spit it right back out. “This is awful.”

“What?! It’s barely coffee!” His eyes crinkle, hearteningly.

“Nope. Bad.” You shake your head, putting the mug down on the coffee table. “We just ruined a perfectly good cup of hot chocolate.”

“I’ll buy you another.” He offers.

You shake your head. “Not necessary. I have a different idea.”

You stand up and put your coat on, slinging your bag over your shoulder and offering your hand out for him.

“Where are we going?”

“Just trust me.”

He grabs his stuff and takes your hand with a wide grin. “Lead the way.”

TAGS: @twistedstitcher27 @rebel-finn @rexandechosandwich @madameminor @dumfanting @corona-one @tecker @ladykatakuri @brynhildrmimi @the-sith-in-the-sky-with-diamond @zoeykallus @maulslittlemeowmeow @littlemousedroid @arctrooper69 @rexxdjarin @padawancat97 @hated-by-me @sleepingsun501 @idledreams @redheadgirl @themcuwriter @ashotofspotchka @sunshinesdaydream @crosshairsimp73 @ariadnes-red-thread @rosmariner @heyitsaloy @starstofillmydream @high-ct5555 @echos-girlfriend @sleepywych @nekotaetae @justanothersadperson93 @aconstructofamind @book-of-baba-fett @chopper-base @palliateclaw @501st-rexster @dead-poolz @nahoney22 @where-is-my-mind-tho @jediknightjana @erishimoon @witching3 @queen-of-many-fandoms @wizardofrozz @burningfieldof-clover @rebelsriley

#25 days of life day #25 days of life day 2023 #tcw cody x reader #x reader #Modern!Au

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helianskies · 5 months ago

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so last december 31st, i wrote a not-so-little post covering my 2023 and hopes for 2024. and i figured, well, why not do it again? so here's a little-ish post on how my year has been as a writer, and what i'm looking forward to in 2025 - my ninth year writing!

.°˖✧ INTRODUCTION

last year, i started my post with a bit of a moan because there was a lot of negativity going on that was bogging me down. this year, i feel i've had a bit of a better time. i've no complaints to lodge with anyone, other than the odd comment on a fic that has left me questioning why i'm still here (some people need to learn some tact or etiquette or straiht up manners!) - but, i am. i am here. and i'm still writing. cheers to that!

.°˖✧ 2024 REVIEW

time to look at the fics i've written this year! to pick three that i think are my favourites:

'Holiday' ⇝ i forgot i wrote this until i was scrolling back, and as soon as i saw it i smiled to myself. a bit of nationverse and another study of Antonio, with a sprinkling of TurkSpa

'Fortuna' ⇝ i still think about this one often, there'll be more stand-alones snippets from this au to come, i'm sure!

'Make A Wish' ⇝ it took three years for me to write this figurative revenge, just for maiva, but i love how it turned out. we love a mischievous, devious, wicked port ;)

following that, here are some of my favourite aus that have come from this year too!:

the au that is 'Fortuna', see above! nothing like a bit of crime and casinos to keep us going :)

the kingdoms au in 'Ripple'. this fic is a snippet from a world of a long-fic that i've been mulling over for, ooh, two years? there's a lot that needs sorting, but it's like a peek into a world i really hope to share one day. one day!

the ghoulish pirate au from 'Storm's End'! i wrote this fic somewhat desperately to round up hetaween, but it's an au i'd very much like to keep up!

the vineyard au as in 'Nightcap' UGGHHHHH i think i have a habit of putting Ned in business-y jobs eh. managers... accountants... he's a type, but it just makes sense!

as ever, there are tons of aus that have also been born this year that you've not seen. last year, i said i wanted to share my ideas more, and i don't actually think i've done that... food for thought!

and on that note, there are some general things from year i've taken note of that are a mix, i guess. just observations. things i've achieved or haven't achiever either way! things i'm proud of, or not proud of! who cares?:

i am on top of my ao3 inbox. since i cleared it out aat the end of 2023, i have not let it get too busy to be unmanageable, and feel i'm doing better at replying! it's nice!

i promised myself i would return to hetaween with a vengeance, and i sure did! i think this has been by best year to date and i'm so happy with everything i wrote! c:

'For Me?' and 'Bitter Teeth' - ouch! i haven't updated either since july, and i have to admit, i'm not rushing back. like there's a niggly feeling of 'that's a loooong break' but when i tell you i have zero motivation, i mean i actually have about -4 motivation to keep going on these two at the moment. just saying.

i got back on the ficlets and prompts yessss, it's been nice to slip back into writing short things here and there (particularly with point 3 on this list in mind!)

it's also been nice to, on occasion, have a go with different pairings. like it's very rare, but... i'm open to dabbling. with certain characters. and ships. those who know will know 👀

.°˖✧ 2023's HOPES

in 2023, there were some things i said i hoped 2024 would hold for me, or that i'd do. based on that list, here's what i have and haven't done:

i [also] hope 'Bitter Teeth' keeps going strong. i hope i let myself take breaks without feeling so guilty. i hope i get more into historical hetalia again. i really want to explore the implications of the events of 'Let Me Go'. i hope i learn to love my unfinished works or abandoned wips. i hope i start sharing more of my ideas. i hope i learn it's okay to not always want to write the same characters over and over, even if they are my favourites. really, i just want to keep moving forward. i want to keep writing. i want to keep loving writing. i want to keep exploring. i want to not succumb to negativity as much. i want to indulge even more in what i want and what i feel like.

a mixed bag. but overall, these are outcomes i'm happy with! i've generally had a more positive year with writing, slumps in motivation aside, and that's as good as it gets!

.°˖✧ 2025's HOPES

looking to 2025, then, i suppose there are some things i'd hope will happen.

importantly, i'd like to get back on board with 'For Me?' and 'Bitter Teeth'. if i could finish the former, that would be good, but with how i'm feeling at the moment, if i can update them at all i would like to think that 2025 helia will be happy (she'd better be!).

i also hope that i take the plunge and start a new multi-chapter fic with you. there are two options on the table at the moment, so i'm hoping one catches in 2025 and i find the courage to just go for it. to take that plunge and write. time to bring out a nice, big cast again, just like the old days of AE!

as a string of thoughts, i hope that in 2025 i explore more - more characters, more time periods, more ideas. i hope i find courage to share ideas or aus without worrying whether or not anyone will like them. now i really want to try more historical hetalia. i wouldn't mind indulging in a sequel or two to some of the fics i've written in past years. i hope that i have another amazing round of event fics. i hope i continue to love the random aus as much as the old classics. i hope i stay positive, learn and love, and stay proud of what i can do.

i hope i also become a better reader. i hope i read more fics. i hope i leave more comments. i hope i share more writing, be it stories written by people i know, or people i don't. i hope i read something different to what i'm used to, that's outside my little comfort zone. and i hope i learn things because of it.

.°˖✧ CONCLUSION

in all, 2024 was a pretty darn good year, both personally for me and as a writer. through it all, i just have to thank the friends i have here who talk with me, listen to my nonsense, share their ideas, and just... are amazing. so many people inspire me and i don't think i say it. so thank you. i love you. i hope you know who you are. and, to wrap up this review, i present you with cookies, hugs, and wishes for a very happy new year! 🍪🎉🍪🎉🍪🎉

#helia's stuff #helia writes #happy new year everyoneee

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eikopilled · 22 days ago

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I'm confused by Sunspot (review)

Contains mild spoilers for Sunspot.

The year is 2025, and the month is a few weeks ago

I scroll through the Worth the Candle unofficial "After Dark" splinter server, checking #general-fiction in a haze, looking for my next story to read when I finish Almost Nowhere. I see it! Lines upon lines of conversation on one new fic, linked a few weeks ago.

The fic in question: Sunspot, a slice of life-ish superhero-ish fic by the author yootie.

Thanks to relentless shilling from one of my best online friends, Sunspot devoured my reading schedule for weeks. I put on hold my reads of:

Almost Nowhere

Misericorde Ch. 1

Danganronpa

And pushed through 125k words of Sunspot and Sunspot alone. That's roughly the entire first arc and a little bit more, and… I think that that's probably enough to give a review in good faith.

But what about Sunspot itself, you ask, what were your thoughts on it, dear eiko?

To put it in the most mean way possible, the way that expresses all of my thoughts best, Sunspot is not the story it says it is. It is not about magical theory, or war, or even ideology (one of its most central motifs throughout, but one that doesn't really… go anywhere). It's a meandering, introspective slice-of-life character study that pretends really hard to be about bigger things. It consistently overpromises, and then underdelivers.

Expectations and Reality

Change hurts. Hurt changes. Seven years ago, the Frozen Flame brought magic to Earth—but not to Dalton, who gained only scars. Now a lonely shut-in, “Ezzen” has resigned himself to an online life of secondhand magic, dabbling in magical theory and fanboying over the Spire and its superhuman Vaetna, the paragons of this new era. So when fate splinters and magic finds him, it’s the best day of his life—and the worst, as he suddenly becomes a resource in the cold war over control of magical power. From paramilitary organizations to Flame-worshipping cults to incandescent magical girls, the forces of the world sense the ripples and close in. Worse, his escape exposes the awful secret of the Flame, the thing quietly omitted from all the theory: that instead of the apotheosis he’s dreamt of, the reality of being a flamebearer is cruel and twisted, the bloody path of monsters. And some of those monsters are so very similar to the Vaetna he idolizes. […] Sunspot is a webserial about transformation, identity, and pain. It features a mix of slice-of-life drama with lifelike characters, political maneuvering in a rich alt-Earth setting, and covert magical warfare using a fleshed-out magic system.

Sunspot's blurb.

If you go in with an open heart and ignore the mild pretentiousness of its tone, instantly you (or at least I) will think, 'this idea seems kind of cool!' It's not an immediately hooking premise, but it's good enough. I've loved books with far worse (Tchaikovsky's Children of Time has an awful blurb).

Continuing, you can go down a bit further to find the RoyalRoad reviews. They don't necessarily need to be read in full—they're long—but it's safe to say that they're generally super ridiculously positive (which is reflected in its ratings: Sunspot sits at almost 5 stars in every category!):

"Sunspot is astonishing. It is a strikingly original work, a compelling, beautifully written story about an intelligent, sympathetic protagonist set in a world of immersive detail and nuance. It is emotionally honest and meticulously structured, full of insights and phrases that have haunted me for months now." "Sunspot has, at the time of writing, completely grabbed us." "This story truly stands out as deserving all its praise and more."

You're primed with these to expect something really unique! With so many reviews all praising it to this degree, it won't just be another piece of RR genrefic to read for popcorn's sake, you think.

But there is a problem.

There is, in fact, a broad mismatch between the hype and the payoff for this fic. Sunspot is not the fic its reviews or blurb describe.

editor's note: everything beyond this until the very end is almost certainly going to sound very critical. it is not my intent to discourage the author, i genuinely do want this fic to keep going and get better. however, i think it is best that my thoughts are phrased with as little punch-pulling as possible.

Entropy

I think that this is a good time to bring up the idea of entropy in storytelling. Entropy, in this context, is simply the rate at which new information is introduced to the story. Entropy isn't always a good thing; very high entropy works are unparseable and unreadable because they're just aiming for the maximum amount of unique information per word, but in general high-entropy fiction is better than low-entropy fiction, for the simple reason that it has more to it(1).

The most immediately noticeable trait of Sunspot is that it is extremely low-entropy. On top of the information throughput being low at a baseline due to the lengthy writing style, Sunspot has two more entropy-related problems: first, it refuses to infodump and directly exposit its worldbuilding to the reader, and second, its worldbuilding (and most everything about it, honestly) is not in and of itself high-entropy worldbuilding. It's all a lot of the stuff you've seen before.

The things that suffer most from this low-entropy style of writing are the worldbuilding and the magic system. Let's look at the magic system first, because it's pretty distinct from the other parts of the work and easy to get through.

Magic

Quite simply, Sunspot pays lip service to the idea of a magic system, but what's there really is meaningless fluff that disappears when it actually matters. It's like the author doesn't even trust themselves to write one of the biggest selling points of the fic in an entertaining way.

Consistently, my interest in learning more about the magic system decreased the more I learned about it. In the first chapter, something that is highly praised among Sunspot fans is how the characters demonstrate their knowledge about the magic system by actually talking about it, without exposition dumps or reminding each other of facts they already know. This definitely sounds like a good thing, but… at a certain point, it’s throwing the fantasy equivalent of sci-fi technobabble in your face and calling it good writing.

I think genuinely the reason why people do exposition dumping is that this is just as bad. It's really unengaging (like reading a novel without a hook); hearing yootie throw random words with no context and with no intention of explaining the context feels like reading someone's edgy sonic OC in an original roleplay server, smiling, nodding, going "uh huh!"

The magic system in Sunspot is largely conceptual. It's based around glyphs (which act as verbs) affecting concepts, which you indicate when you create the glyphs (acting as nouns). In the fic, characters use, onscreen, for instance, glyphs which separate things from other things.

One of the problems is that it introduces only a few relevant glyphs and does nothing unique with them—just the most boring, rote things—which drove my enjoyment into the ground. But the far bigger issue is that it fundamentally doesn't matter. It barely interacts with the story. It's not used in clever ways, it doesn't affect the plot meaningfully, and it doesn't even help define the characters. The system exists mostly to sound cool—something abstract and cerebral to be impressed by in theory—but the second it's supposed to actually do something, it gets waved away (and do note that this is in the only concrete plot beat after what is basically the prologue in the first 100k of the fic! Nothing else happens!).

The main characters need to solve a problem in the climax of the first arc by committing the perfect crime: creating a precisely striking weapon of mass destruction that can shoot invisibly from anywhere on the world. But for some reason rather than use any of the glyphs we're introduced to (or introduce more), Sunspot opts to offscreen the process of creating the actual weapon!

Here's how yootie introduces the magic in 1.01:

“That’s a backflow modulator—redundant, actually—that’s piping which jumps to here, and then comes up through some of these projectors and this {RHYTHM} chunk, these are the primary and secondary {MANIFEST} branes, and we go back and back to,” her finger stopped tracing at a black orb so dark it was like a void in reality, “the spool interface. I’m going to thread into it now.” I watched, rapt, as her entire arm jerked and blurred before igniting with blinding white sparks, which flickered chaotically for a moment before aligning in spiky patterns like ferrofluid clinging to a magnet. The glob of magic twisted and twisted and twisted, growing thinner and denser, until it was a single thread of magic coming off a spool on her arm. The thread lashed for a moment before launching itself into the black orb. I clipped the last 20 seconds of footage and dropped it in the chatroom. ezzen: Putting this here for later. moth30: hm moth30: 0:11 thats a type 1 display. no wonder theyre renovating moth30: 0:14 oh and that’s why she called the modulator redundant lol moth30: no way for it to go back upstream with this flow ezzen: Redundant but not useless I think ezzen: Sudden tug on the lattice from spool overdraw could definitely get enough upstream ripple for it to hit the mod ezzen: Given how first-gen that display is. Orange third lol

And conversely here's how the magic system is used in 1.13 (spoilers, obviously):

She nodded, and I obligingly added the constraint to the GWalk diagram. As of yet, it wasn’t anything resembling a functional lattice, just a toolbox of options. The mantles were joined by a collection of several hundred other prebuilt glyph chains that I’d accumulated over the years, various useful presets and common collocations to speed up ideation. And time was indeed of the essence here, with the rig ablaze and the flamebearer apparently now fighting for his freedom. The Ezzence, even. Moth hated that joke. As I’d been setting up my workspace and considering those first three constraints, my thoughts had inevitably wandered back toward my encounter with the magical stalker. You’re not supposed to be able to see me, she’d said. And while I still didn’t understand why that was, it did suggest that the technique was stealthy enough for what we needed here. I dragged and dropped a scrying lattice onto the grid, a beautiful and intricate second-order weave abstracted to a few rectangles connected by colored lines, and consulted the predicted ripple readout. Red-white. Hina saw where I was going with it. “Hey, yeah, that looks more or less like how it felt.” For her part, Hina was pacing, and it was getting distracting—because it was impossible. She’d walk the length of the whiteboard on the opposite wall from the projector, but somehow, she never reached the other end or turned around. I resisted the urge to boggle—had she casually constructed a closed spatial loop just for the luxury of pacing without having to change direction? What would happen if I stuck my hand in her path? Not the time, Ez. “Yeah, that’s the idea, seems as good a place to start as any,” I replied on autopilot, scrolling through the list of glyphs to see what could be done about the red. “If it was this sort of spine, then extending it all the way to…sixteen thousand kilometers, or however far, shouldn’t be a problem. Depends on what exactly we’re going to be doing with it, though.”

This ontological collapse of information density, this is the closest thing the author gets to actually describing how they use the magic system to create a crazy murder cannon; it is all filler(2) to have the hype moment at the end. The only thing that Ezzen does in this chapter is scroll through a list of glyphs (none of which are described and none of which matter), comment on the level of ordnance one of his friends' guns have, and then sort of brainstorm a power combination trick to finalize the gun (though the impact of this is greatly reduced because we are never told what the bounds of these characters' powers are). "If it was this sort of spine" what does this actually mean?

It is low-entropy: its descriptions are superficial when the details aren’t skipped over entirely, and what it does have to say isn’t new. Even describing how the characters use the magic system would be new information, and Sunspot fails at conveying even this.

I think it is a narrative betrayal of system expectations. There's no payoff. It doesn't feel like a tool or a weapon, it feels like set dressing, it's mostly used ideologically as a motivation point to give the main cast internal strife. You could replace it with sci-fi jargon or psychic powers or literally anything else and nothing would change.

It's very disappointing for a fic that bills itself as half about magic!

Worldbuilding

The worldbuilding is the other thing most affected by Sunspot's by-design lack of entropy.

Sunspot says it'll have interesting and lively and real-feeling worldbuilding, but none of it grabs your attention, none of it seems dynamic, and none of it has any sense of weight or meaning in the context of the fic. (one of my friends who is caught up to Sunspot and enjoys it agrees that the world feels hazy and kind of ephemeral, and not in a good way.)

In short, the worldbuilding is kind of just background noise. This is a really big problem, because Sunspot really wants you to believe the world matters. It wants to position itself as a story about systems and ideologies and cold wars fought in the shadows. But how are you supposed to care about the political worldbuilding stakes when the factions involved are kind of just worse versions of stuff from Worm, and I mean genuinely worse than Worm's second half. The only way Worm works is the fact that it infodumps a ton of interesting factions on you with their own beliefs and leaders and role in Brockton Bay, it is therefore high-entropy, Sunspot has none of that! There are, like, four factions introduced, 125k in, and they're all so boring and one-dimensional!(3)

(I didn't even include half of the Worm factions. Nearly all of these are introduced within 125k words.) (this graph is meant to be humorous)

Furthermore, there's no grounding. No sense of how Real Normal People live with magic, how it changed their daily lives, what it feels like to be in this new world.

The worldbuilding just feels completely pointless; and where it does matter it's so extremely rote, so simplistic. It feels like it's being made up as it goes, almost.

Plot and Pacing

Another big problem with Sunspot is the complete and total lack of escalation throughout all of the first arc. the characters are basically lighthoused—they sit inside of their building, watch what's happening, comment, have slice of life character interactions, and do absolutely nothing else.

The characters are mostly observers in their own story, to the point where I'm completely unsure what it's actually about. Almost everything that could be described as "plot movement" rather than "character interaction" happens in the very beginning of the fic, and after that, it flatlines, it's like some twisted psychopathic reverse Cradle where its problem is it instead spends all of its time having mundane slice of life character interactions!

(To yootie's credit, they generally can be pretty good! Particularly the ones with Hina (a character who I have a lot of problems with overall, but none in terms of how entertaining she is or how much she actually brings to scenes) and (to a lesser degree after the first 50k) Ebi)

You expect things to ramp up—tensions rising, dangers closing in, revelations complicating things—but that just… never really happens. Every new development is either brushed off or pushed aside in favor of more dialogue scenes where people vaguely allude to bigger things happening offscreen. And that'd be fine if this was purely a character-focused slice of life, but Sunspot keeps implying it’s not—that there is a bigger game being played in the background, that Ezzen is at the center of something huge.

If he is, you wouldn't know it by how the story plays out. There's no sense of pressure, no increasing stakes, no urgency. And of course you can say it’s totally fine for a story to be like this–but in that case, it needs to drop the pretense that it is something else. A story that's trying to do The Things Sunspot Says It Wants To Do requires escalation and stakes, this is storycrafting 101.

I actually think this is why the worldbuilding falls so flat for me, because in other stories like it the characters are actively engaging in the world itself!

The first arc's climax is the only moment of escalation in the whole of the fic, and the nature of how perfect their crime is means that it can't actually keep going, the status quo gets fully reset after it's over. The main characters, while a geopolitical meltdown happens on the other side of the world, are told to stay put and stay quiet. This is a daring story decision, and I was on board with it, expecting it to screw up in some way, further the plot somehow, but it didn't, it just resolved.

(I went through after this, paragraph by paragraph, to see what actually happens in the first chapter, a short and rather dense one by Sunspot standards, and count the paragraphs in which something happens. This is my graph: 1449 words contain plot movement of 8946.)

(Note that "Exposition" refers to the magibabble or internal character monologue rather than proper exposition. Compare this to the 7470 word chapter Of Raven of The Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen, a similarly long-winded, lengthy work. "Other" in this applies to the natural ballooning of the prose from the style; the fic is extremely verbose.)

Characters

Tragically, the characters are mostly unengaging and pointless (big offenders are Alice, Ai, Amane). For a fic that spends so much time sitting in rooms talking, you'd expect the cast to be vibrant, distinct, dynamic, but they really aren't. Very few of them have a voice of their own (only three, those being Hina, Yuuka, and Ezzen himself), and even fewer have anything resembling depth. They're just kind of floaty and boring and—again—OC-ish, in that they feel like blorbos thrown in because yootie had the idea for a character and thought they were cool.

They're also incredibly predictable. Not just in how they act, but in how they're constructed. It's like they were built from templates, or archetypes (with one little twist thrown in to try to keep them fresh!), you know them already, and Sunspot doesn't quite do anything new with them. The fic clearly wants to be character-driven, but the characters just don't drive anything. They do not grow meaningfully over the course of the first arc nor do they ever clash in interesting ways.

(Note: I found the chatroom conversations about infinity more entertaining than a good portion of the slice of life interactions between Ezzen and the Boring Magical Girls, those are honestly a highlight. If yootie reads this I think your fic would be improved by being only those actually. Joke.)

And it sucks, because you can tell the fic wants you to care about them. It gives you pages of dialogue and slow scenes meant to be tender or fraught or Real™. But only Ezzen approaches three-dimensionality.

I think that at their core the problem is the lighthousing. By putting characters into danger, you show them in places where they aren't at their element, places where their action can bleed through and show you the character inside. I genuinely do think that Sunspot should have more action and more grimness to compensate for how half of its cast seem kind of dead in normal interactions, and I say this as a person who adores slice of life as a genre. This Used To Be About Dungeons is one of my favorite things ever. It's just that book grabs me in the same way Sunspot doesn't.

Themes

Thematically, Sunspot acts like it'll talk about performativity, unspoken rules and cold wars, but in reality it doesn't really have anything new or interesting to say—scratch that, Sunspot doesn't really have anything to say.

(Note: There's another theme of transgenderism. I'm not transgender, so I don't know how well this is executed, but judging by the amount of trans people I know who read this fic, it's probably executed pretty well in comparison to the other stuff. If that seems like it's your thing, do try it.)

For the performativity aspect, there's this recurring idea that magical girls in this setting are kind of like celebrities, or propaganda tools, or wartime icons—like we're supposed to question the image of them as perfect, righteous, glittering idols. but at the same time, the fic completely idolizes them. In The End, They're Good People! They're always right in the end (the only time this is ever questioned is just a pointless ideological conflict about hurting your magic, which I don't recall actually being relevant), and even when they do something questionable, it's framed as either necessary or tragic or above reproach.

Sunspot wants you to think it's deconstructing them, but it never actually follows through. The dissonance is really weird—it reads like it's trying to be Worm, with messy heroes who do bad things and still get called heroes, but it lacks the spine to commit to that critique. It gestures at performativity, at image and power and how people curate who they are to survive in a system; then it backs away and gives up and says "but they're cool!" and sure, maybe they are cool—but you literally can't have a meaningful conversation about performativity if you're not willing to actually interrogate the performances.

It gestures at meaning without truly landing on one. It drops the primary theme—tikkun olam—in an author's note, but this isn't shown in the fic, not really. The idea of healing the world, of repairing broken systems or confronting the damage magic has done, doesn't appear in the story except in an abstract and altogether greatly reaching way—if it appears at all. there's no real moral element: the story never grapples with anything meaningful.

It never makes a point to reinforce to you its themes in the same way that, for instance, Worm's entire plotline reinforces its three central themes (escalation, escalation, escalation, and doing the wrong things for the right reasons, and never resetting the status quo or letting its heroes escape consequences).

Sunspot characterizes itself about transformation, identity, pain, yes, all of these motifs are present, but that's all they are. They're just… motifs, depthless. Few characters seem to even be relevant to these motifs (mostly, the big leitmotif is how the magic changed each of them, which is kind of interesting, but it's never used to its real potential). They're all kind of (and I hate to say it for another time) OC-coded, like they're there to be there?

Thematically the world doesn't do much better. In a fic that was actually interested in its themes, you'd expect the world to reinforce or contrast them—to bring them out in sharp relief, or act as a foil to the protagonist's arc. See, for instance, The Flower That Bloomed Nowhere. In this you can see how the world itself is shaped by the story’s ideas about identity and death, these two concepts are brought up in the beginning by the characters, reinforced by the world and the magic, basically bashed over your head (in a good way)! But in Sunspot, the world doesn't do anything except act as a background to the events of the plot. There's no sense of intentionality within the world of Sunspot at all.

I wouldn't be so upset with Sunspot's lack of true message or meaning in themes (if you let the text speak for itself) if it actually managed to execute their evocation right.

Comparison Points

Here's some fics that are cool comparison points to Sunspot. Stuff that I thought of while reading.

Worm: Worm is really interesting to compare to Sunspot, namely because the author characterizes Sunspot as 'Worm spitefic.' Sunspot isn't trying to be Worm, and that's OK! I'm a Worm fan, I like it a lot, but not every story has to be like Worm. The big difference between the two is that Worm does more; it's excessive in a good way.

Worm relentlessly escalates. Sunspot does not.

Worm consistently introduces and uses in the plot factions at a high rate. Sunspot does not.

Worm insists on its themes (in the text of the story itself), and each arc serves a thematic purpose chronicling Taylor's downfall. Sunspot does not.

Worm's premise is clear from the beginning. Sunspot's isn't.

Godclads and Malazan feature a similar style of execution in their exposition. Godclads keeps it entertaining because it's fast-paced, action-filled, and the worldbuilding is extremely weird. Malazan has very solid prose, the worldbuilding is extremely dense, and, again, stuff happens decently quickly (it just takes brainpower to parse).

The Wandering Inn is similar (and directly listed as an inspiration by the author) to Sunspot because of its slow style; however, TWI only becomes as slow as Sunspot is many books into the series! Stuff still happens for a long while in.

Katalepsis is similar. I kind of hated it, but the author also lists it as an inspiration, and if they're patterning it off Katalepsis I can kind of see why I don't like a lot of things in Sunspot.

Worth the Candle is a good comparison point worldbuilding-wise. It has the opposite of Sunspot's own worldbuilding: it's infodumpy, monologuey, filled with thoughts where the main character isn't afraid to explain to the reader. But the worldbuilding is so fucking good that it doesn't matter; Alexander Wales has extreme confidence that he Wrote Good Shit and he did.

Apocalypse of Herschel Schoen has a similar level of belaboring to Sunspot; its prose is decidedly more literary and honestly gorgeous at times to read.

The Flower That Bloomed Nowhere reflects its laser-honed themes of identity and death in the worldbuilding and characters and plot.

Axiom of Infinity is both a good story and good trans-themed fiction.

Some Things Sunspot Gets Right

I want to make it clear here that I do not think Sunspot is bad and I do not dislike Sunspot.

I do, as stated, think it's really weird, and takes odd creative directions. But there's something about it that's kept me reading up until now (and likely into Arc 2, as my friend keeps telling me It Gets Better)

I'm crashing so in short here's some stuff I liked about Sunspot.

I like the prose and think it's generally pretty solid (though sometimes try-hardy).

I like the shopping scene with Hina, and I liked the stuff afterward and was willing to forgive it until it became clear no ramifications would come to the main group.

I like/d the early interactions with Ebi.

I like when Ezzen uses the magic system and tells us how it works; eg when he builds his new PC

I like all of the chatroom interactions pretty universally. They feel mostly authentic and nice.

I like/d the initial plot moving scene where Ezzen traps himself underground and eats half his foot.

I like that Yuuka creates group conflict, I don't like how juvenile she feels.

A Note on Author's Notes

In the author's note, the postscript, afterward, whatever you want to call it, of An Infinite Recursion of Time, the most SINCERE piece of webfiction ever written, Mr_17 declares what themes the story is trying to expose to the reader.

Mr_17 says that the story was never trying to have themes in the first place. That he follows Hemingway, believing a story shouldn't have symbols unless and until they arise naturally. He goes on to talk about what themes he thinks arose by the end, but the themes themselves are unimportant compared to the nature of what he's saying; subject before object.

AIROT not trying to have themes, and having them anyway, with the story being—at least in retrospect—wholly readable as about those themes, is a beautiful thing. It lacks pretense, it's sincere. It grew!

I think, if you choose to do an author's note, it should be after everything is said and done; if you want to talk about the themes of your story, you should talk about the themes which grew naturally over the course of it, the themes which are there and present in the work itself.

Sunspot's first author's note comes at the end of the first arc, rather than at the very end of the story. Sunspot attempts to tell you that the themes of the fic were Always Going This Way. I've criticized that enough, yes, but…

I think that an author telling you outright what something is getting at thematically is in fact inherently damaging to the quality of the story itself. The words of the story should stand on their own; comparison to a different ideal than what you really wrote simply weakens the story.

People should be able to read into your story themselves. If they don't do it correctly, that's fine. That's art. By controlling its interpretation you flatten your own art.

Be more like Mr_17.

Conclusion I guess

Sunspot's first arc is not the worst thing I've ever read, not by a long shot. I hesitate to even call Sunspot bad. I focus so hard on the negatives, because Sunspot genuinely does have potential, it's just that every positive is marred by these negatives. Its first arc just kind of crumbles under the weight of what it wants to do, falls apart under scrutiny textually and subtextually both. I think if you like the things I've listed as similar (or if you're trans) and you don't care about reading into text (i.e. if you just want popcorn) you could have a good time with Sunspot.

I hope that the author keeps writing and makes a really good story; for my part I'll likely continue reading and make another review if my thoughts change after I finish Arc 2.

(1) For further reading: https://ascrub.wordpress.com/2014/08/30/information-theory-and-writing/

(2) The main Sunspot shill in the servers I'm in said this about the magic system:

"The magic in Sunspot is meaningless filler when the author starts going on about the shapes of the spells being cast. The different colors are totally fine but will there be a moment where a normal reader will go "ah of course if Ezzen weaves [ASH] with two loops instead of one he'll be able to get out of this pickle"? Probably not! It's just tedious fluff to get through."

(3) There's the cult, the basically-PRT (but eviller), the basically-Protectorate (but gooder), and the group of magical girls the main character is saddled with.

#sunspot #sunspotwebserial #yootie #yootiesunspot #review #web fiction

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jaybejaybenot · 3 months ago

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tagged by @patheticjayce - thanks for the tag :)

whats the origin of your blog title?

i heard viktors va saying it and its been on loop in my mind ever since. i say it to myself when im trying to decide on things. when i made this sideblog i needed a name and was like "well that works" and then it wasn't taken so it was perfect

otp(s)/shipnames:

in arcane, jayvik of course but also zaundads and caitvi. outside of arcane, gotta be spirk and garashir man i love those aliens

favorite color:

red

favorite game:

rdr2, hands down. im a horse girl at heart

song stuck in my head:

a horrible mix between abracadabra and sharks with legs

weirdest habit/trait:

uhh man idk, i drink hot coco in the summer to cool off and i have a truly absurd amount of freckles on my body (i got bored once during SAT testing and counted 583 on my just forearms)

hobbies:

so so many; i'm an equestrian, photography, drawing, writing, book binding, chainmail making, and atm im reading two copies of the odyssey to see where the differences are. those are my main ones at the moment but i've dabbled in so many things lol

if you work, what's your profession?

i work in an entomology museum imaging bees and moths for an international database - i am not an entomologist tho, this just pays the bills and is really cool so i've gotten interested in it as a bonus

if you could have any job, what would you do?

im studying for my bachelors in archaeology so ideally somewhere in a museum doing experimental archaeology work but honestly, dream job would be cattle herding or helping on a horse ranch. i managed a horse farm for a year and god it was the best, my mind is made for manual labor. unfortunately my body would break into shards if i tried it professionally but dream job if i could

something you're good at:

i'm weirdly good at cooking, i can just wing it and come up with something that tastes really good. i made a really good cornbread once but didn't use corn and was actually trying to make a brownie brick so 💅🏼 call me chef boy arby

something you're bad at:

i'm atrocious at focusing. the senioritis is hitting so hard, i can't focus on anything at the moment, even stuff i like. outside of that, im so bad at knowing when to quit. i'm a perfectionist and completionist at heart

something you love:

kindness, the smell of rain and snow before it does, music, horses, people honking in tunnels, my roommates - really hit the jackpot with them they're amazing. i also love committing to the bit, i will do anything for that payoff

something you could talk about for hours off the cuff:

star trek, and spirk. i could literally write a thesis length paper about spirk and how misinterpreted they are in the modern trek era (mostly kelvin timeline, disco/snw is still too new to say for sure) its infuriating. i also have a spreadsheet on them cuz i got really in the weeds a few years back. and honestly i could tie them in with arcane/jayvik now that i think about it, there are definitely some parallels i could draw. oh and also greek mythology i love it so much

something you hate:

people who can't admit they're wrong/don't know/don't like not being the expert on things and who can't apologize. grew up with a dad that was like this so now i try to keep people like that at arms length cuz it fucked me up so bad as a kid

something you collect:

books, coins, bugs, postcards, keychains

something you forget:

so much, i have pretty bad memory problems so i forget a lot of things. i have to ask people about things multiple times so often, its such a pain (and also lowkey scary cuz its a fairly recent development)

whats your love language?

gift giving/acts of service, i love doing things for people or getting them things they want/need especially when they aren't expecting it, or mentioned it offhand or in passing

favorite movies/shows:

star trek - except for that fucking section 31 movie fuck that thing, arcane, rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead, stardust, starcrash, the little prince, silverado and clearcut

favorite food:

mangoes, mini bagels, and this kimchi dip i get at my local farmers market

favorite animal:

horses, cats and whales; got multiple tattoos of all of them

what were you like as a child:

outgoing, friendly, kind of an outsider, definitely the weird kid tho - closet queer meets so much undiagnosed stuff + warrior cats obsession + small christian town lmaooo i was cringe but i was free

favorite subject at school:

history and art are tied, which isn't too surprising given where i am now lmao

least favorite subject:

in my heart i want to love math but math does not love me </3

best character trait:

ive been told i'm really friendly and warm, and would give my shirt to a friend who needed it, and i'm a good listener

worst character trait:

awkward as fuck, i don't know how to talk with people i don't know so i come off as standoffish/shy, i have a hard time being honest with people and trusting people due to childhood trauma (also daddy issues out the wazoo)

if you could change any detail about your life right now, what would it be?

probably just making a bit more money, i can afford rent and such but it doesn't leave much extra for things like tuition and books and things i want to do for myself and it means money is very tight so when things go wrong i'm set back for months. i can't plan for a lot of future things like top surgery or moving abroad to get my masters because of it

if you could travel in time, who would you meet?

funny answer: ea-nasir

serious answer: i'd want to meet a neanderthal or denisovan. i just... i think about them so much, and i love them and i want to know what they were like, did they speak like us? how did their world work? could we communicate?

ok i would tag mutuals but i made this blog like 3 months ago so i don't have any others atm, and all my other mutuals are on my main blog and have been my mutuals/friends for years so if you want to join just hop on!

#get to know your moots

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junowritings · 1 year ago

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Hi, could I please get a BG3 matchup?

Pronouns- she/her

I generally prefer men

About me-

I love love love cats.

I tend to be pretty shy/timid until I know for sure the other person wants me around. I rarely ever approach someone I don't know; they need to make the first move. In social situations I tend to be more of an observer than a participant unless someone specifically includes me. Once I'm comfortable around someone, I'm still pretty quiet, until the conversation turns to something I'm really enthusiastic about; I'm okay with people infodumping as long as it's genuine & interesting. I can be a bit sassy, too, and I'm (usually) not afraid to laugh at myself. I'm a bit of a homebody, but if someone invites me out to do something, I'm usually game.

In a relationship, I'm pretty cuddly/affectionate- they'd better be prepared for all the touching, hugs, kisses, being my pillow… as long as they're into it, too, of course (even better if they're reciprocating).

I like to think I'm pretty smart- I got good grades in school and I tend to learn new things quickly. I'm pretty curious/inquisitive; I'll take almost any opportunity to learn something new. I like to figure out how things work (including taking things apart to fix them, like my old laptop to replace the keyboard or my original Nintendo DS to replace the broken hinge), and I even built my own PC! I've also dabbled a bit in programming.

For hobbies I like video games (imagine that!), ttrpgs, board games, also stuff like sudoku. I like gardening even if I'm not very good at it. When I get time, I enjoy doing cross-stitch, too.

Pet peeves/things that annoy me (aside from "standard" stuff like people being condescending, bigotry, etc.): unnecessary noise- dogs barking nonstop or children throwing temper tantrums in the grocery store; I hate repeating myself and being repeatedly interrupted; preventable stinkiness- people reeking of cat pee, cigarettes, wet basement, etc. (sweaty from a workout or something is one thing -and can even be kinda hot-, smelling like a month-old dirty litterbox is another)

Many thanks!

Heyya sorry that this one took so long! Literally got a few lines in and just knew who would be a great fit for you,,,

I match you with Gale!

From the word go, the pair of you end up hitting it off from the very first run in. Thanks to a little outside intervention of course.

You say you like cats, and Gale’s got one better - he’s got Tara. Just treat her with respect and compliment her and you’ll already be giving her a view on your fine character. It certainly helps that you mean no ill will towards her master either, but that’s besides the point.

If anything Tara’s ends up being a wingwoman for Mr. Dekarios - by the time you’re quietly cooing over how fluffy her wings are and she is set on instigating this match and by the gods will she go through with it. It will do him well to meet someone with such a fine taste for company after all! Of course Gale has been admiring you from the sidelines before his Tressym’s attempt at introductions, watching how you’re content to observe the world around you unless someone makes a point to include you. And the wizard does his best to make you feel included! He will absolutely make sure that you want his company and that you’re comfortable having him around before he goes intruding on your revelry.

Don’t worry at all about being quiet! If you prefer to have the silence filled he is more than happy to wile the time away regalling you with whatever current topic has intrigued him at the moment - usually it will have something to do with a breakthrough he’s made in his studies, or detailing a novel that he’s been pouring over with witty commentary on the contents to match. Will get a little too hung up about the wow-factor of the topics he tells you about, wanting to genuinely impress you with it. Just assure him that you’re interested in what he’s saying and he’s not boring you and this guy is a goner. Knowing that you don’t mind listening to him? With no expectation for something from the wizard? It doesn’t seem like a lot but I can tell you his heart is done for and the pining begins.

PLEASE, I cannot stress this enough - shower this man in all the affection you want to give him. He is an absolute sponge for it and gives you this little lovestruck look if the potential for love and affection is on the table. Kiss his cheeks till he’s red all the way up his ears and down his neck; hug him as tight as you’d wish or tuck yourself in close to his side. No matter the expression of affection, Gale would gladly spend the rest of his days under the onslaught of your attention. What he loves most is when you hold him close; the casual intimacy of being close to someone he cares for so much and cares for him in turn makes his chest swell and the aches melt from his bones. Card your hands through his hair for good measure? Gods you must be trying to kill him with love, yet he can think of no finer a demise than beneath the soft touch of your hands.

Gale fully accepts his new future life as your pillow during cuddles. He sees it as a perfect compromise - you get to use his soft chest to lounge on at your own leisure, and he gets to bask in the weight of your presence curling up upon his torso as you make yourself comfortable. Likes to let his hands smooth over your back as you relax, calloused fingertips moving in such a way you could swear that he’s tracing patterns, but he’s far too good at easing the tensions from your muscles to spell out what he’s tracing unless you focus. (Spoiler alert it’s something sappy - maybe hearts). May or may not doze off if he finds himself relaxing too much - what can he say? It’s more comfortable than he thought! Plus the thought of waking up with you there makes the prospect of a quick nap far too tempting to pass up.

He loves your inquisitive nature; it’s one of your many stunning attributes that allows the pair of you to mesh so well. You’re a quick learner, taking to any new tidbit that Gale is excited to share with you as naturally as you breathe. It’s beautiful, really, watching you process the world around you and seeing what inspires your mind, and Gale loves nothing more than to encourage that curious mindset that you possess.

Fascinated watching you take things apart. He’s got a myriad of artifacts scattered around his home, thanks to a penchant for collecting them and keeping a small hoard of the stuff around for when he’s looking for stuff to pass the time. Feel free to take some of the non-lethal-to-the-touch ones and have fun prying them open to find out what makes them tick. He can think of no better use for them, and is actually rather intrigued to see what new discoveries you can make in dismantling and piecing these items back together again. He’ll even go out of his way when he’s out at the markets to find things that will stimulate that curious brain of yours. If you’re into those intricate puzzle boxes to test your skills he’s more than happy to bring them back for you,

The kind of partner who will lean over your shoulder while you’re working through a sudoku page and help you point out ones that have you stumped. It’s cute, but you may have to playfully ward him away with your pen if you’re absolutely set on solving these things on your own. He’ll take to ttrpgs like a duck to water - literally give him like an hour to go over the mechanics of whichever one you wanna show him and he is so ready you have to laugh at how invested he gets. You may have just introduced the man to his second favorite pastime - the first being you, of course.

#baldurs gate 3 x reader #bg3 x reader #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 gale x reader #gale dekarios #gale x reader #bg3 gale #bg3 match up #baldurs gate match up #juno art

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forwhatiam · 5 months ago

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wait really? my sibling also does disability studies, that's so cool! I feel like there's a chance you guys know each other lol, that field is such a small world (or at least the way my sibling talks about it). I dabbled in disability studies a little when I was still in school, I took a really cool class at one point about technology and the body, but most of what I know I either learned from my sibling or for my own professional development reasons (accessible design for digital/web management, best practices and guidelines, etc.)

I can also TOTALLY see how literature and disability have the potential for a lot of overlap - what sorts of things do you focus on/what topics are you most interested in?

<3 your holiday pal

Your sibling's right, it is a pretty small field, but it is growing! I don't want to say too much about my school for the sake of internet safety and all that, but the entire DST department only has four professors and I live in constant fear that one of them is going to leave and they'll just stop offering it as a major instead of trying to hire a new one... But there is definitely a nonzero chance I've met your sibling, that's a fun thought!

As for my focuses... I've not been doing anything with it really this semester even though I wanted to, because I suddenly got really self conscious about how other DST students thought of me, but honestly I am so interested in how disability and sexuality interact. And that's sexuality as in sex as a whole and the discourse surrounding it, not sexuality as in like purely queer identity, though that's definitely included. But up until now I'd been finding a way to make all of my DST finals and presentations and such tie into it somehow, but like I said, I suddenly got really concerned with my classmates thinking I'm like sex obsessed or something 🥲 So I decided to focus more on psychiatry, which I am admittedly morbidly interested in despite hating the field with like every fiber of my being.

In the past I did write about this like fun little phenomenon of French writers loving to use this like disabled romantic figure, my two biggest examples being Notre-Dame de Paris (The Hunchback of Notre-Dame) and Le Fantome de l'Opera, which is definitely one of the ways I've pulled disability, sexuality, and literature all together. But I have this concept on the back-burner about the DST concept of crip time and William Burroughs' concept of junk time and how I could analyze those together, because honestly addiction is so under-examined within DST in my experience. It's definitely another point of interest, because addiction is like so obviously a disability but it just kind of gets pushed off to the side for optics which is dumb, because you don't get disability justice by hiding a disability that affects so many people in the corner and pretending it doesn't exist.

I'm getting really long-winded here so I'll make this quick, but in terms of purely literature, I'm a big fan of the Romantics and the Beats. People hate on the Beats, because they're so unendingly pretentious, and that's really fair and I completely understand, but I really fuck with that pretentiousness and I think there's just something so raw and evocative about them even within it.

#holiday pal #ngl i like closeread this ask just to make sure my sibling probably hasn't gotten tumblr again without telling me #so that definitely speaks to the size of the field at least in an academic sense lol

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himbogiants · 2 years ago

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What's the best thing to do when stressed about exams? Study? No. Write a g/t story until 4 in the morning? Of course! This one is definitely getting a part two. And possibly three. I dont wanna go starting a new story that I'll never get around to finishing as I already have plenty of stories to work on, but I got inspiration and had to write so enjoy. (Side note I was listening to part of your world from the little mermaid before I wrote this so you'll see connections in one part)

4010 words

Part of that world: part 1

The crew had just about wrapped up their game after a good few hours of play when Theo piped up among the conversation after a sip of his drink

"Oh! I forgot to tell you all! Remember how I said I thought this place was haunted?"

Nearly everyone groaned, much to Theos frustration

"Oh okay, because we sit here every weekend playing a fantasy game but ghosts and spirits are off the table?"

Besides him Thomas rolled his eyes with a smirk

"We never claimed the game was real, Theo. Neither are ghosts."

Maisey perked up at that shaking her head

"Well..I mean I feel like there's a possibility ghosts exist just..not here Theo. I'm sure your beliefs are justified!.. and I suppose I may be bias as I don't live in this building so I wouldn't know..but this building isn't very old- and as far as I'm aware, thankfully nobody's died here...yet."

Before anyone else could make their arguments Theo continued

"Yes yes! Well I'll have you know ouiji boards exist and it wouldn't surprise me if one of the neighbours dabbled in the dark arts before, my bets on Helen from 2B upstairs. Anyways!! What I wanted to say was, I bought cameras, for the kitchen to start with. I might get more but the kitchen seems to have the most evidence of supernatural so"

Thomas laughed from across the table

"Dude. You're crazy. You sure you're not high again?"

Henry who never usually pitched into conversations like this even had something to say, in his usual brooding manner- though he was Theos flatmate so his words were necessary in this matter

"You bought cameras and I'm only being informed now? You do realise rent is due in two weeks? You better not have wasted all your money."

Theo made gestures of neglect with his hands, shoving off the comment.

"Oh relax, you'll get the money man. They were off some dingy website. And I only set them up yesterday so no need to worry about privacy. I haven't even turned them on yet. But tonight. Tonight I get my answers!"

Sadie, adjusted her hair and snorted "yep. He's insane. I think the finals coming up are starting to get to you Theo."

Theo stood with a look of finality, clapping his hands together.

"Say what you will, but tonight we shall see, and you shall weep of embarrassment. Ye of little faith. For now, I belive we can wrap up this campaign for this evening, I do need to get these cameras on after all."

And so the crew packed it up, all wishing their goodbyes Thomas pairing off with Sadie, grabbing a box of takeout from the table with them. Maisey after giving Henry a kiss and Theo a hug made her way to the door only to stop before hand

"Best of luck with the cameras, Theo. Despite everything, I'll be curious to see if you find anything. Night guys!"

When all had left Theo shut the door to face a disgruntled Henry who regarded him with folded arms.

"Aw come on pal, don't gimme that. Listen I know you think I'm crazy but just, trust me on this! Things going missing, noises in the kitchen, voices in the walls?!"

Henry pinched his nose and sighed, pushing up his glasses.

"That isn't a ghost, Theon. It's rats. And as for voices, they're either an effect of marijuana or squeaking. Besides, I've already got it covered. You may have noticed the traps I've set."

Theo grumbled at this, his roommate ever so logical.

"Yeah I've seen 'em. Rich of you to comment on me wasting money when you bought all those!"

Henry shut his eyes, it was clear Theo was testing his limits- of which wore thin. He exhaled deeply through his nose

"It's a rational assumption Theon. Especially since rat's are real. And you should know I value cleanliness. I won't have some vermin lurking about if I can do something about it."

Theo took a mouthful of noodles from an open box, finishing it off and depositing it in the trash. He swallowed and met Henry's eyes.

"Well, one of us is right. And one is wrong. Let's let the camera decide."

Henry's face fell flat with a tiresome expression. He removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Part of him praying the tech would show some full proof footage to finally shut his friend up.

"Goodnight, Theo."

In the end. Both boys were wrong. Though a judgemental eye would say Henry's theory was not far off. Pitter patters raced through the walls, from four small sets of feet. One pair slower than the other.

"Daphne! Wait up!"

But the other pair persisted, destination and goal in mind and on path.

The male voice breathed out harshly

"Come on Daph! You know I'm not as fast at you!"

Suddenly the other pair stopped and the small borrower boy came crashing into them -or rather her- with an 'oof'. But the girl didn't say a thing, only looked out in awe

"There it is Riven. The kitchen.."

Riven came to her side.

"You..you say this everytime you know that?..look, I've got a bad feeling about tonight I think it's best we make this quick."

Daphne turned with a raised brow and smirk to her friend

"You're not getting cold feet now, are you?"

Riven shook his head incredulously

"N-no! Of course not. Just, Daph.. I have a bad feeling is all. You seen the traps yesterday, right? And before you say it I know you'd never fall for them! B-but still! It's.. unnerving to picture. I just wanna be careful about this!"

Daphne wasn't phased by this and only smiled brighter

"Crazy right? Humans are so creative with their traps. I'd love to get my hands on one, I'm sure they'd be interesting to dismantle.."

Riven paled

"I..did I just hear you right? Gods Daphne they're deathtraps! Those things can and will kill us!"

Daphne rolled her eyes shrugging him off, ready to hurry off before Riven latched onto her arm.

"Please Daphne..just..just be careful. I wouldn't want anything to ever happen to you. Plus your father would do a lot worse to me than any trap could ever achieve."

Daphnes features softened and she pulled her friend into a hug.

"Alright Riven..I won't be long tonight. Or even 'foolish'" She mocked her fathers voice on that last word and continued

"Besides, Father doesn't even know we come here. He's too busy with the others. I dont even think he knows we come here. We aren't on the borrowing squad after all." She huffed, deadpanning with a mumble "He made sure of that much"

Riven eased

"Good. Though, no offense Daph..but I kinda get his precautions..no matter how good you are. You tend to get carried away.."

Daphne frowned at this, though her casual smirk founds its footing again, grabbing her friends arms and leaving through their secret exit out onto the counter tops.

Moonlight lit the kitchen and a tickling of a clock resounded through the quiet expanse.

The pair exited, one much faster than the other.

Daphne twirled around in glee as Riven was pulled along.

"Come on! Come on!"

Riven stumbled out almost falling forward, he grabbed his friend for support pulling himself up

"Daph! C-calm down!"

She hurried along, practically dancing about, basking in the moonlight. So many possibilities and so little time! Where to start was the question plaguing her most.

It didn't take long to figure out, Daphne was a very distracted girl after all.

She got loose of Rivens hold and her eyes lit up.

"Oh my gosh..Riven look.." She whispered.

Just before her sat the most peculiar thing. It was circular- almost like a button? But metal? An it had jagged sort of edges.

"It almost like a..bowl? Is that what humans call it?"

She knelt down gently and traced her fingers over it in awe, before picking it up and twisting it over. It's red sleek shine reflected in the dim lighting and as another bonus it was surprising light! On the back there was an intricate design, words?

"C-o-k-e"

She sounded it out coming to the conclusion that it sounded 'coh-keh'

Riven inspected it too tilting his head

"I think it might be off a drink? You know..like a lid thing?"

Daphnes eyes lit up

"It's absolutely beautiful. And it's just.. lying here.."

Riven interupted before she could continue already sensing where her mind was headed.

"Daphne, no."

Daphne pouted

"Oh come on Riv! Clearly it isn't that important. They just left it here after all! And I know just where it will go in the collection."

Riven tried to reason but he knew it was a lost cost, so he resorted to excuses.

"I-its too big though! It won't fit in your satchel and you'll never be able to get past the guards with that button. They think we are scouting after all. If you come back with a borrow that big your father will know."

Daphne once more didn't seem bother by this, if anything she seemed determined.

"Nonsense. Humans leaves stuff outside all the time. I'll say I brought it home as a reward for my labour. You really think the guards will argue with the daughter of the chief?" She quipped.

"Possibly Daph..they're quite rude. Listen, we've never been here during the day. We don't know the humans, their attitudes or routine. Perhaps this cap is here for a reason. And if not that, then it must be some sort of test. You seen the traps. They think they have rats. Maybe they want to mess with them?"

At this Daphne faltered. Her eyes filled with dismay as she heeded her friends advice. Sure, it was amazing. Sure, she longed to take it home..but..her friend mattered more. It was already dangerous enough dragging him here with her. Leaving the treasure could be a compromise of sorts to make sure he kept coming with her. He was her only friend after all, and she would never want to loose him.

"Okay" She sighed placing it down.

"Gods I wish I was on the borrowing squad. If only I could convince father." She turned to her friend

"You know sometimes, they go during the day! They actually see humans..I mean..could you imagine?"

Riven swallowed, clearly not sharing her interest in seeing such large beings up close.

"Humans are so.."

"Dangerous?" Riven offered, to which Daphne chuckled lightly

"Yes.. I suppose..but gosh..just look at this stuff Riv..it's amazing..it's so creative and wonderful. I just..don't see how world that makes such wonderful things, could be so bad?"

Riven gave a look of pity. He took her hand a guided her to the edge, sitting down to which she obliged.

"It's not the creations that's are bad..it's who makes them..sure, there is cool stuff like that thingy, but then again, there is traps. Poison. All sorts of dangers. But I get it, Daph. It is pretty interesting, just dangerous. But for what it's worth, you'd make a fantastic borrower."

He did truly believe it- only part of him hated the thought. She was agile, quick and fast! But she was far too fascinated with humans, and that would only lead to one thing. He shivered at the thought.

They sat in silence as the listened to the clock tick, but with Daphne quiet never lasted very long.

"Yknow, I hear humans are kinda like borrowers."

Riven couldn't picture that. The height difference was staggering enough, but he was willing to hear her out.

"Apparently, when they need stuff, they leave their homes and return with bags full of supplies! It's like they have some sort of hidden storage facilities that has never ending supplies. Could you imagine?"

Riven cocked his head

"Really? I always pictured they traded stuff. Like.." He was shocked to find his next words leaving his mouth "Like us."

"I wonder what they trade then. One time outside I saw the most fantastic object. It was like that shiny red thing over there, only it was a different colour and completely flat! Kinda silvery? Like metal. Oh and it had a face on it!" At her friends bewildered look she laughed once more

"It's true! Anyways.. part of me reckoned they traded with those. I never seen another, so assumed it was rare. And I couldn't take it home because well..Father. It would've made a fine addition to the collection."

Riven smiled, but then a thought came over him. They'd been here quite a while- and this was meant to be a short visit. He did have a bad feeling in his gut after all.

"H-hey..I dont mean to cut things short. But we should head back now."

Daphne faltered as he stood up, hesitant to do so.

"We've only been here a little while!"

She watched his shoulders fall as he released a withheld breath

"I know but I trust my gut Daph..we should head home. Especially if we wanna be up early tomorrow"

It was Daphnes turn to be confused. Up early? Riven raised a brow as if to prompt her memory, but when he got no avail he solved her inner dilemma.

"We've got scouting at dawn, remember?"

Immediately Daphne rose to her feet in shock. "Right!! Oh gods how could I forget? I'm so foolish- come on then let's get out of here!"

Together the pair hurried off, but before they made it to the exit something caught her eye.

A small box with a blinking light. Riven was already in the wall ahead of her, but she stopped.

And slowly made her way over, with awe and caution.

What was this?

She paused before it, it was a big enough contraption, it went up to her rib area in height. She examined the strange box utterly enchanted. How was she only seeing this now?!

She got down on her knees to see an odd glassy circle in its core.

She tapped it once and skittered away immediately expecting a reaction, but it remained still, it's light persistent in its blinking.

She heard Riven coming back as he hopped back through

"Daphne! There you are! You scared me for a sec, I was talking to myself in there and I- what are you doing?"

He approached her before he too came to a halt.

"Um..Daph..what is that?"

Daphne who was starstruck only whispered

"No idea Riv..but its incredible."

Riven glared down at it. Something about the red light felt like warning signal.

"L-lets go Daph..this feels wrong."

She was instant to defend her newest find when Riven assured her they could return to see it again. She hesitantly agreed, as Riven pulled her away from it and guided her back to the wall. The whole way there, she didn't let it leave her sights once.

How peculiar..

Theo awoke the next morning. Ah, Sunday. Such a blasted day. A much appreciated break (if one didn't have to study), but a reminder that college resumed the next day. He lay back in his bed as the morning sun drifted in and bird song whistled about. Now..what was on today's agenda?

The d&d campaign didn't resume until next week when everyone was free again, so his efforts as dungeon master could take a break. He had no assignments. Odd. He was sure there was something about today that was incredibly important to him.

He turned on his phone and a video he fell asleep watching resumed.

'Buzzfeed Unsolved: The Demonic Possession of the Conjuring House

Seemed about right. He was pretty restless last night after his conversation with Henry-

Wait.

He sprung up immediately, his sheets billowing on the floor.

"The cameras!!"

He skidded out into the hall, almost slipping over his pyjamas as he hurried down to the kitchens to his cameras.

He was so excited. Proving people wrong was fun but proving Henry wrong? Now that was a celebration to behold.

This is not the way a normal person should act to their home being haunted- but if anything Theo wanted to witness the wandering spirits more than anything.

He slammed open the kitchen door and instantly scooped up camera one, the view of the dining area. He uploaded its content to his phone and pressed play, watching with bated breath.

Only to falter..in the corner on fast play it read the time. It got all the way to the current hour and absolutely nothing happened.

Ok..not great.

But there was still hope!!

Betting on the second camera he held his phone inches from his face watching for signs of something, anything!!

But there was absolutely nothing. Just the endless image of the cooker.

He felt his shoulders droop as he picked up camera three, questioning if it was even worth it. He sighed sitting back as he played the recording, anxiousness building in his stomach at the thoughts of his friends laughing at him. He usually didn't mind it, his theories were extreme after all. But this time he really hoped to be correct.

And somehow his prayers were answered.

And not in anyway he ever expected.

His eyes widened, his jaw slacked and he stood immediately, knocking the chair to the ground.

"Holy fuck!"

Two tiny figures stepped out onto the counter at two a.m. His heart was positively pounding, the phone fell from his hands, which he scrambled to catch, falling to the floor.

He sprung up almost leaping as he crashed into the cupboards.

"HENRY! HENRY!!! GET IN HERE!"

Henry was tired. In general and of his roommate's shit. He cared for him dearly, but some days he longed to move in permanently with Maisey. Anything to escape his madness- anything to escape mornings like this.

Of course he knew what he was being so urgently summoned for. Theon believed his blasted little cameras saw a ghost. If he were in better moods he wouldve played along to make it easier. But he was rather dull this morning. He longed for caffeine more than anything. Though there was no getting near the delicacy without Theon getting in the way.

He snatched his glasses, a sour expression painted his face. Better get it over and done with then.

He marched out into the kitchen, to find his roommate clutching his head as he stared down to his phone in shock.

"Theon, I swear, you're getting on my last nerve. You didn't see a bloody ghost."

But his friend simply shook his head- in agreement, not taking his eyes off the screen for a second.

"You're right. I didn't."

Henry hitched at this, Theon admiting he was wrong? That wasn't something that happened everyday. He decided to entertain his nonsense.

"Alright. You got my attention. What is it?"

Theon looked up from his phone

"Something much better. Call everyone get them here now. No time to loose. Go quickly!!"

Henry was taken a back, and frustrated to say the least but while Theon usually pulled stunts like this, this one seemed awfully genuine. He grabbed his phone.

It was thirty minutes later when the others arrived much to Theons dismay. They sure did take their time. But in that half an hour he hadn't moved. He simply kept rewinding- annoying the daylights out of his roommate who was getting more impatient about his outstanding discovery by the second. They were so small, so fragile..so very impossible. But it would appear more so, improbable. He dissected each frame harbouring any detail he could. Unfortunately for him the recording was black and white- part of night vision filter he guessed- he couldn't exactly make out their appearances but the were so human. There eyes both glowed from the recording so judging their actual eye colour was near impossible. It was almost the same with skin colour though the boy seemed quite tan, the girl pale. The boys messy hair was definitely dark brown, the girls looked to be a blonde? Or red? He couldn't distinguish it, but it was tied back in a ponytail that swished around around her excitement. Their clothes were also a point of interest, looking like sew scrap fabric. He couldn't imagine having to make his own clothing, albeit he was crafty but not that crafty.

He didn't want to spoil the surprise to his roommate so he kept the volume off, waiting to hear what these two had to say in the company of his crew. If they could even say anything that is.. he really hoped they could. It was eating him inside, if they could speak what language was it? An entirely new one? English? What did they sound like? They seemed to be a different species all together. His patience was at a loose end, he kept asking Henry every five minutes if their friends had arrived yet, which led to no avail.. and almost resulted in Henry shattering his coffee mug in fury.

But then the knock came and Theo sprung up whipping it open and ordering them to follow without any other explanation.

Once he had them all gathered he sat them down in their living room and shut them all up before they could start ranting about time or bombarding him with questions.

"Alright alright. Now I'm sure you're wondering why you're all here at eight a.m on a Sunday morning."

"Yeah, I'd love to know pal!" Thomas quipped sarcastically only for Sadie to continue "This is insane Theo. It's too early for this."

Theo almost faltered but he knew what they were about to see would shut their traps. Maisey yawned from beside Henry

"Please, Theo, it's quite early. I understand you're excited but..just..yeah"

Theo smiled at her, appreciating her acknowledgement only to clap and almost jump with a start.

"Right then. As you may remember for last night I believed there to be ghosts in this apartment. Specifically the kitchen."

"Oh jesus, this?! Man, this better be good" Thomas groveled.

"Well, I didn't find any ghosts, but I found something much better."

He screen mirrored his phone to the TV and pressed play.

Two a.m hit and he slowed it down.

Everyone was silent, and Thomas was about to break said silence when his eyes widened.

He sat up instantly. Henry spat out his coffee. Maisey squeaked. Sadie's jaw was on the floor.

Theos grin went from ear to ear as he finally grabbed the remote and turned up the volume. The big reveal. Please. Please

'Come on! Come on!' 'Daph! C-calm down!' 'Oh my gosh..Riven look'

The group sat in shocked silence, nobody dared interupt the little beings as the girl discovered a lid from a coke bottle. Theo, Sadie and Thomas all found a smile playing at their lips at her pronouncement of the word, the other two looked as if they'd lost all their brain cells- which was terrible as they were the smartest of the bunch. The mini duo marveled at the trash, the conversation moving on to her taking it to her collection. Then to her father- so there was more of them!

Theo couldn't help but catch how the boy spoke of 'humans' with such uncertainty. But absolutely adored how the girls eyes sparkled at the mere idea of them..of people like him. She..she reminded him of himself.

Henry despite his shock admired the boys intelligence for watching out for possible dangers, and could feel pity knowing exactly how it felt to have an over-the-top friend himself. Surely the square cube law outruled any possibility of tiny people yet here they were..

Sadie who too was floored, found the girl amusing, she was a proper Disney princess with how she was acting..all she needed was an animal sidekick. She was so curious about everything and it made her wonder the girls age. She looked old enough but younger than her. Same for the boy.

Maisey was in awe, as was everyone but this was something she couldn't describe..that's science couldn't even describe. She couldn't quite comprehend it all but she was trying her best. A whole society of tiny people.

Thomas was gonna explode. He was like a ticking bomb. This was absolutely insane. Guilt fell over him for his doubts in Theo but knowing how his friend usually was he felt he was justified. He'd been that way since they were kids. This was one of the rare times he'd been right.. not about ghosts..but of something supernatural being in his home. Thomas felt a smile pull on his face as he watched the antics of the duo, reminding him of his own friends. He'd very much like to meet them..

The girl being the daughter of a chief, her awe of human creation, the boys fear of it.. her longing to be on the borrowing squad. And the boys comfort that she'd make an excellent borrower..

Theos eyes lit up as a whole new wave of possibilities and excitement fell down upon him.

Namely when and how he would meet his new little borrower friends.

#g/t story #giant and tiny #gianttiny #giant #tiny #borrowers #borrower g/t

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illegally-blind-and-deaf · 1 year ago

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21, 22 and 25 for the end of year asks?

I'm alive!

21. What message would you give to yourself at the beginning of the year?

I think I'd say "Hold on. Do not let go. Do not stray from the path, even when the winds and storms around you are hard. Hold on to the rod and don't let go. That's all that matters, because eventually the storm with calm down again."

22. Has your fashion style changed this year?

Not a huge amount, but there's definitely been a shift and a definite focus. I've grown from vintage-inspired clothes to researching particular fashions from the 30s-50s to match my style with it as best I can. I've started dabbling with vintage curls and make-up looks, and im incorporating more vintage femme looks into my every-day style, not just when I dress up for events.

25. What's one thing you hope will continue next year?

My dreams for my future. I hope to one day study abroad, even if it means staying here and completing a university degree here first and then going overseas. I dream of living somewhere in Europe, even just for a little while, and I love the idea of studying there and doing what I love while exploring new cultures. Hopefully my mum will still support me getting a dual citizenship with Lithuania and help me work towards getting one.

Thank you so much! :)

#ask game

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marshmallowprotection · 1 year ago

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Do you think shifting is real? I’m getting tiktoks on it again and I won’t lie it messes with my mental health as it convinces me I can go somewhere where I’m actually happy with all the media that’s comforted me for so long. I like how I’ve seen old posts of yours where you slap sense into people who want to shift and I need that right now. Ha.

If you're not hurting anyone or yourself, it's perfectly okay to journal, draw, and write all the fantasies you want. After all, what is the great comfort in media and fandom if not the experience of getting to see what it might be like to be friends with your favorite character? Or to see what it might be like to be with your favorite character in a more intimate setting like a date? There's nothing wrong with that!

Hell, I'll be writing these scenarios all day long for my comfort and others! It's fun to dabble in the heads of your favorite characters and see what it could be like if there was no universal divide. There's a lot of fun to be had in making your characters or even self-inserting into the media.

However, I don't care for the in's and out's of Reality Shifting in the sense of someone trying to explain to me how it isn't just another form of daydreaming. I won't argue if it's real or not. I will just say Shifting looks no different than daydreaming to me.

I'm sure that Shifting is just a form of mediation and daydreaming at the end of the day. It isn't harmful unless it impedes your life. Now, I won't tell people not to have fun. Listen, if you're having fun and you see that it helps you, that's okay. There's no need to get into the thick semantics of if Shifting is "real or not".

I'm not going to scold people for it. I want people to be able to have fun at the end of the day in the way that works for them best, and me talking about this isn't to shame anybody or make them feel bad. I'm just concerned for people's health. I just want people to be aware of the risks of excessive daydreaming and dissociation.

Because, it does not matter what you believe Shifting is, if you spend hours of the day in bed with your eyes closed tight when you have to do other things, that's not healthy for you. This goes for fantasizing of any nature, not just Shifting.

I say this as someone who experiences Maladaptive Daydreams.

Your average daydream as you stare out of a math class window is not the same as a maladaptive daydream.

“Maladaptive” means you have an excessive amount of daydreams to cope with or adapt to a problem, and it doesn't solve the problem, it just allows you a chance to disconnect from reality to survive. It's not a healthy thing. It's not something I always enjoy. I wish people were more informed on the subject but it's not it's widely known.

I genuinely just want to warn people about excessive daydreaming. I want people to be well informed about what can sometimes happen when you experience a disconnection from your sense of self or your sense of reality.

Hell, someone who's reading this might not even realize that there's a word to describe their Daydreams, and if that can at least help somebody understand that they're not alone, it's worth talking about.

[Maladaptive Daydreaming]

Ever since I was young, I've daydreamed excessively to cope with things my little mind should've never had to have dealt with. It's a form of dissociation that's continued into my adult life to kept me cope, and that's true for many other people. This condition isn't a very widely known one or even vastly studied, but it does fall under the dissociative umbrella.

Imagine being immersed in a world that is so much better than your reality, now imagine what it might feel like to be pulled out of that. In that sense, you wouldn't want to leave the daydream. That's why it can be so addictive. It can get to the point where it interferes with your life on a day-to-day basis.

I don't think there's anything wrong with daydreaming. I don't think there's anything wrong with having fun and imagining different universes. I think it's great that we can shape our minds to create so many wonderful things. I just worry for people who aren't informed about making sure that they are mindful in their consumption of fantasies.

I can spend hours at a time in a daydream, totally disassociated from the world around me, and while having these vivid daydreams can make for a great writing experience later on, it's not fun to lose hours of your day. It is addictive, as it is a lot better to be in a reality where everything goes the way you want it to instead of the one where we live, you know, where things don't always go right.

I've got a way better handle on this these days because I've got more tools and means to keep myself grounded, but the dissociation is still a part of my day to day life, even with progress.

I experience Derealization and Depersonalization in part because of this.

[A visual of Derealization vs Depersonalization].

I understand how people feel when they want nothing more than to be in a reality where they feel loved and cherished by characters who love them all the same. I get that, because that's where people start excessive daydreams when they are young, in most cases, not all of them.

I just worry for people who get too caught up in their fantasy that they forget to live in this reality, if that makes sense. We can "Shift", Daydream, or what have you any time, but at the end of the day, we live in this reality, and we can't change that.

We have to fight to make this reality a better one, even if this one doesn't feel as fun as holding Saeran Choi to your heart, you know?

Make this reality the one you want it to be.

Don't let yourself not have fun with fantasies, though, because there's nothing wrong with that. Make those CMCs and Self Inserts to have fun! I do it, too. At the end of the day, just be mindful of the way you consume daydreams and roads that help you shape realities in your mind, no matter the avenue you explore them because you deserve to have fun.

Keyword: Moderation in your teenage, young adult, or adult life.

#not mm #mod kait

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writingsbychlo · 3 years ago

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I know you're working, so answer this when you can. but I'm sharing so I don't forget lol. what do you think the profession of IC would be in a modern world? I don't know everyone because my imagination is precarious, but I definitely I think of Morrigan having a luxury clothing/makeup/jewelry brand. and Emerie I come to be one of its famous partners and they just fell in love and the two are rich bosses who date 😌😌

okay, some of these are not really creative. like, they literally write themselves, I’m working on their personalities, y’know?

rhysand: CEO of a business he inherited from his father. (definitely a corrupt company that was on its knees when he took it over, he now donates ti lots of charities and does everything above board)

azriel: personal investigator & legal advisor. mostly for rhys’ company, actually, he investigates all potential clients and employees and threats, and offers legal advice.

cassian: personal trainer specifically at a boxing gym that he owns. well, technically rhysand owns it, but cassian is buying it with monthly instalments. rhysand tried to give it to him as a gift, cassian refused. he doesn’t know that rhysand is changing him less than 10% of what it actually cost.

feyre: struggling painter who met rhys at an auction she was only at because she was hosted to display one single painting by her college, and she had no idea who he was and ranted to him about all her struggles. he bought her painting, and all the others she had, in exchange for one single date. she is still a painter but she now married into millions. she’s still humble. she keeps rhys humble too. he has that first painting he bought hung up in his office.

mor: personal shopper, but for the elites. stylist for celebrities and big events. she dabbles in a lot of fashion things.

nesta: law student and aspiring lawyer.

elain: café owner. nothing more to say, just a cute little coffee shop with pastries.

lucien: musician who met feyre in college and helped her out of a bad relationship with his best friend of the time, but his music doesn’t make him much money so he temps for rhys occasionally. no set job, just fills in where he can, always. does a bit of everything, because music is his real passion.

gywn: bookshop owner, really quaint bookshop, but it stocks all the good stuff. she also custom makes bookmarks to sell for extra cash inspired by whatever book she’s currently reading. she also runs a book club there on thursday night. and there’s a back room she made into a study room for any students who drop by.

bonus: helion: one of those online make fitness coaches who runs retreats and does yoga and “wellness weeks” and it actually works. is actually a licensed therapist who got sick of the couches and decided to make nice retreats and help people in groups. massively popular. massively undercharges for his services.

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thera-daydreams · 4 years ago

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INDAY

± A Trese Fic ±

[Crispin/Basilio/Maliksi/Dominic x Skymaiden!Reader]

01: Noon at Ngayon (✓)

02: Ang Kambal na Anak ni Datu Talagbusao, Diyos ng Digmaan (Link)

03: Ang Prinsipe ng Mga Tikbalang (Link)

04: Ang Pinuno ng Mga Aswang (Link)

05: (Link) 06: (Link) 07: (Link)

01: Noon at Ngayon

Back then, long before you were born, your mother used to work as a katulong of the Trese Family and was very close to its matriarch, Miranda Trese. Coming from the province, she was no stranger to superstitions—even more so after knowing the work of Miranda's husband Anton Trese, who was actually the Babaylan-Mandirigma of Manila.

Years later, after giving birth to you around the same time Miranda gave birth to her twins (one a stillborn, unfortunately), it was you and Alexandra who became best buddies instead, as different your personalities were. You two had practically grown up together and you yourself heard countless stories of the supernatural from your Tito Anton. It wasn't that hard to believe when he and his sigbin companions would sometimes come home tracking blood prints on the floors (which you'd helped your mother clean up). Heck, you'd even met Señor Armanaz, the Great Stallion himself and the ruling tikbalang of the Armanaz herd. That pretty, white-haired diwata seemed extremely fond of you, too, which was evident when you'd sneak in with Alexandra to Tito Anton's meetings and she would smile (even wave) at you happily.

You had absolutely no idea why the fae-like lady was so nice to you, but you weren't complaining at all!

However, in spite of your experiences with the supernatural, you and your mother always believed that you were normal humans. In actuality, that was who you were for the majority of your childhood. It was only until Miranda herself saw a vision of you—a much older you—fighting the monsters of the Underworld alongside her own daughter. During dinnertime, Miranda told your mother that she saw you blessed by the heavens with powers that would aid in the battle against evil.

It sounded absolutely ridiculous, right? Yeah, your mom thought so, too.

Your mother only laughed it off as she placed a steaming bowl of tinola in front of Alexandra's brothers, who instantly dug in like they haven't been fed in years.

"Boys! Dahan-dahan lang," Anton reprimanded his sons. "Or else you'll choke and the soup will come out of your noses!"

"Okay, Papa."

"Grabe ka naman, Miranda. I doubt that anything like that's going to happen to my daughter," your mom chuckled, watching your little hands try to feed Alexandra with a piece of chicken. "Unlike you guys, our lineage isn't anything special. Ordinaryo lang ang lahi namin."

Miranda sighed, looking at you and her only living daughter enjoying your time being kids, "I guess you're right. Baka panaginip lang talaga 'yun."

Anton glanced at her knowingly. Although he was aware that you and your mom didn't dabble in magic or anything like they did, he knew that whenever Miranda—one of the Seven Seers—had such vivid dreams, it was something of great importance. But he decided to say nothing, understanding how much your mother wanted to let you live as normal of a life possible in this household.

That was when you were seven years old. One year later, Miranda died fighting against a group of aswang who decided to betray Anton. Said man found the eight-year-old Alexandra hiding in a corner behind the waterfalls, scared and holding Sinag close to her heaving chest as she tried to hold her tearful sobs in.

Of course, a few days later, you and your mother attended the funeral with the mourning Trese family. All the brothers had done their best to stay strong, especially for their little sister who didn't fully understand yet what just happened. Little you ran towards Alexandra, holding her hand tightly as her mother's casket was lowered. Around you were various comrades, both human and non-human, paying their respects to their bereaved allies.

That day, as you turned your back to return to your mother's arms, you knew you would never forget the feeling of numerous unearthly eyes following your every movement.

Even they could sense that there was something about you, a so-called regular human child. You smelled human and had the aura of one, but there was something they couldn't place. It was like a tiny rock getting into your shoe, not coming out at all.

Much changed after that, but you and Alexandra remained close together. To your dismay, just after you graduated elementary, you and your mother had to move back to the province to stay with your sick grandparents. The last thing you could remember was kneeling in the back of the car, looking sadly through the rear windscreen as Alexandra and her brothers waved goodbye to you.

More than a decade had passed since then. You used to write letters to Alexandra, but after Hank told you she had to undergo the trials of the Puno ng Balete, you haven't heard from her (although Hank did disclose that she'd managed to come home safely, which was a great relief to you). You didn't blame her; you knew Tito Anton had passed away in the five years she was gone and that she had to take over the title of Lakan, as well as the Babaylan-Mandirigma of Manila. It was a demanding job! You remembered Tito Anton sometimes staying up all night—breakfast would be served and he would still be in his study, going over paperwork. On other days, he would be gone for consecutive nights handling cases all around Manila. You could only pray Alexandra was fine.

Your life had continued on, as well—you took care of your ill grandparents until they died, helped your mother in the province, went to a good highschool, then earned your degree in another prominent city that wasn't Manila.

Your mom actually recommended that you go to school somewhere else, given the constantly rising number of attacks in the capital of the country. And so you did. Life was hard, but normal until then.

The funny thing was that, when you reached the age of twenty-one, you finally understood why those supernatural creatures kept looking at you weirdly as a kid (and why Lady Diwata liked you so much).

What was even funnier was that the dramatic revelation came to you when you weren't in the Philippines. It was after you freshly graduated college, when you were traveling all over Asia to volunteer in charity projects. It was always your dream to one day expand your horizons not only beyond your province, but the Philippines itself, while also doing good in the world.

And here you were, walking that path you dreamt of.

The organization you luckily managed to become a member of provided everything you needed, and every few months, you would move from country to country. Because of that, you'd already been able to travel to so many places. First it was Thailand, then Indonesia, China, South Korea, India, Japan, Sri Lanka, Singapore, Malaysia, and currently, you were in Vietnam. Visiting those places was fun and gave you a whole new perspective of the world you lived in; it was a... learning experience, too.

Still, that incident happened when you were in Thailand, when you were the last one in the rented apartment balcony taping up the boxes for the donation drive tomorrow. Yawning, you cut more duct tape and stuck them to the open boxes tightly.

"Inday," someone said from behind you. You didn't bother turning around, thinking it was one of your fellow volunteers looking for you this late at night. Probably your roommate. She was the only one who usually called you by your nickname instead of your real name.

"Hmm?" you hummed, taping up more boxes. "Papasok na ako sa kwarto, Lyn. I just have a few more boxes to close. Alam mong mapapagalitan ako kung may hindi madidistribute bukas."

"Hindi ako si Lyn."

You paused, then slowly turned around, flinching at the sudden bright light that shone right against your eyes. For a moment, akala mo namatay ka na at hinaharap mo si San Pedro.

It was a glowing figure in white whose face you couldn't clearly see, which frightened you even more.

"Ay, mama!" you exclaimed, shielding your eyes and falling to your knees. Then, you gasped loudly, patting your body and panicking with closed lids. "Oh my God, am I dead? Nasa heaven na po ba ako?" Your lips wobbled. "Ngayon pa nga lang ako nakaalis ng Pilipinas... I haven't even done all the things I've wanted to do! Hindi pa ako nakapagpaalam sa nanay ko—aray!"

You'd felt something hit the back of your head. Hard. It was the glowing figure in white, but now you could see their unimpressed face scowling at you.

"Kalma lang, Inday. Hindi ka pa patay, pero makinig ka nang mabuti," they shushed you urgently (you weren't sure if they were male or female). "Do not be afraid. I am a messenger from the heavens, and I bear great news!"

"Great news...?" you trailed off, then your eyes widened excitedly. "Like, nanalo ba ako ng lotto? Isang milyon? Bilyon? Hala! Wait, is this a Mama Mary moment? I'm not ready to be the next immaculate conception!"

They glared at you, making you shut up instantly. "Sorry, I'll shut up now," you apologized with a mumble. This person (thing?) was kind of... strict. Whatever did you do wrong? You were just sleep-deprived and running on energy drinks (as well as kape).

"I have come to tell you that you are the vessel of the last skymaiden," they revealed, arms wide open. The light around them seemed to grow even brighter, making you squint. You felt like you were about the go blind! "Ikaw ang huling biraddali, Y/N L/N."

At ayun, zero brain cells remaining. Tunay na nagloading screen ang brain mo. Nag-error at nagcrash pa nga siguro, eh.

"... Ha? Ano?"

You blinked, completely speechless—as seen by how wide your jaw had dropped open. It wasn't that you were unfamiliar with the biraddali, it was just that you'd only heard of them once when you were just a young child. Your Tita Miranda had mentioned they were long gone from the world of the supernatural.

"Oh no, me? A biraddali? You're joking," you stuttered out, pointing at yourself. "Aren't they extinct or something? And, uh... not human?"

They nodded, "Yes. It is correct that everyone in the mystical world thought that the biraddali were long gone, even before the colonizers came to conquer the native lands. However, before the skymaidens all disappeared, the youngest and most powerful one among the seven sisters sealed her soul away to the rivers of time until the strength of a heavenly being was needed to help purify the evils of the world." The figure floated closer to you. "That last biraddali's soul, along with its corresponding power, traits, and knowledge, had chosen to reside deep within you the moment you were conceived."

Honestly, how were you even supposed to react? Your life was nowhere near ready for something like this. Was this a prank by your friends? Your colleagues? The light around this person seemed too authentic to be fake, though.

You stayed in shock for an entire minute, silent. The being in front of you only waited for a response.

"Ano 'to, Sailor Moon? Winx Club?" you whispered to yourself, before slapping your own cheek and scolding yourself. A stinging red mark was left on your face. "Inday, kakamanhwa mo 'yan! Nasosobraan ka na ata, matulog ka na!"

Sighing heavily, you rubbed your face tiredly, still in disbelief that you—according to this stranger—were apparently some old soul from a species of ethereal beings that were long gone. It sounded like something out of those reincarnation webnovels you got addicted to. What now, you were the MC? Wattpad ka, girl?

"Look, this is a mistake. I still have to wake up early tomorrow to give out the donations," you spoke to the glowing being (or whatever it was), laughing nervously. "I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong person. Either that or I must be hallucinating from sleep deprivation, because I'm definitely not a divine creature. You're probably just a product of my imagination. Sorry, I'm going to bed."

Bang!

At that moment, the power in the building went out. The only thing you could see was the thing who assumed you were a biraddali (they were so bright they were like a flashlight in the dark for you).

"Brownout?" you blinked. It felt wrong, though. It was eerily silent. "Did a fuse blow up?"

"Nagsimula na ang iyong unang pagsubok, Y/N," they announced seriously. "Creatures of the dark have already begun to take over this building. You may not have noticed, but all throughout your life, you have always been helping and giving. It is your nature as a being descended from the heavens themselves, and now, it is time for you to accept your destiny."

"Hoy, sandali lang! Sandali, sandali!" You were absolutely wide awake now as you heard the sounds of strange whispers around you. It was terrifyingly creepy, much creepier than whatever you'd seen back in the Trese Residence (and you'd seen a lot in that house). You did not want to be a part of a horror movie-like lifestyle. "Don't I have a choice in this?! I—I don't have any training or fighting skills! Hindi ako Alexandra Trese o Babaylan-Mandirigma! I'm not ready for this, holy sh—"

The candescent creature raised a brow at you, "Inday, I just told you that you have the power of a lost mystical being. And tell me, if you had the power to save your companions in this building from the forces of evil, would you save them?"

You were silent, knowing the answer.

"Well?" they prodded.

You bit your lip, "Oo naman. I'm not heartless!" But you were a little impulsive. And apparently, insane.

"That's what I thought. I just need you to believe in yourself," the being encouraged, gentler this time. It transformed into something smaller and rounder—like a ball of light. "Ikaw ang huling biraddali, Y/N, at marami kang kapangyarihan. Isa dito ay ang pagtulong sa mga nangangailangan, lalo na laban sa masasamang nilalang."

Bestie, what had you just gotten into?

You swallowed apprehensively, then nodded in determination, "Sige. So, how do I save the people in the building? Biraddali were said to be able to shapeshift, right? If I remember the tale correctly. Oh my God, I can't believe this is happening to me right now."

"That's just one of your abilities, but I'll teach you. I'm actually your guide," they replied confidently. "With me, you'll be able to master your powers and exceed your capabilities in no time!"

"Wait! Anong pangalan mo?" you asked breathlessly, following them as they speedily flew out of the room. "Grabe, slow down! I'm not athletic! I haven't even exercised this week, goodness."

"... Gabay. Ako si Gabay."

Despite the adrenaline and fear running in your veins, you still grinned up at the ball of light, "Okay. Nice to meet you, Gabay."

This was just the beginning of your supernatural combat training abroad. When you returned to the Philippines three years later, you were stronger, faster, and more powerful than you'd ever felt before. It was crazy.

Oh, that guy who tried to rob you when you came back to Manila was crazy, too. The two identical-looking men in dark suits and white ties—you wondered how they were surviving the heat in that attire—could only watch in awe as you chased down that man who stole your bag while doing acrobatics and parkour.

"Uy, Kuya Crispin, sino kaya 'yun?"

"Ewan ko, Basilio."

"... She's kind of pretty. Type ko. Type mo rin ata."

"The more important question is, paano niya na nahuli ang magnanakaw?"

"Oo nga, no? One in a million chance 'yan dito sa Maynila, haha! Ang astig ni ate!"

(Next Chapter.)

± Author's Notes ±

Ayieee, type daw tayo ng kambal! 😌

How the hell did I write this entirely random thing in one day? 2k+ words? Ano daw? 😃⁉️

You know, this was supposed to just be a Trese one-shot or a bunch of drabbles for the characters I'm currently simping for... but it turned into a full-blown, shameless self-insert slash crackfic. Kakacellphone ko 'yan. 🤦‍♀️

Nagresearch pa ako ng articles about Filipino skymaidens because I wanted something similiar to the Japanese celestial maidens (tennyo). Very random idea but why not? Gusto ko ng badass Y/N na hindi takot lumaban sa mga mumu! 👻

Also, pagbigyan niyo nalang ang matandang 'to kasi ilang taon na akong hindi nagpopost ng mga writings ko. May track record pa naman ako bilang author na hindi nagtatapos ng mga fanfic, hehe. I also haven't read the comics so please forgive me for any inaccuracies and of course, misspellings/errors. Gusto ko lang matapos 'to para makakabalik na ako sa Jujutsu Kaisen. 🥲😗

Anyways, comments and constructive criticism are welcome! Hit those heart, reblog, and follow buttons for updates! Just comment if you want to be tagged in the next chapters. ❤

#trese #trese netflix #trese 2021 #crispin #basilio #maliksi #dominic #x reader #kambal x reader #crispin x reader #basilio x reader #maliksi x reader #dominic x reader #trese x reader #thera.writes

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sweet-s0rr0w · 3 years ago

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✨ get to know you tag game ✨

Thanks to @teacup-tai and @caroll-in for tagging me! I am really Very Boring, so I don't usually do these, but for you two I'll give it a go😘

Favorite colour: orange, anything autumnal 🍂

Currently reading: 18 Tiny Deaths by Bruce Goldfarb, which is a biography of Frances Glessner Lee, a socialite from Chicago who ended up a pioneer in the new field of forensic science. She is probably best known for creating the Nutshell Studies of Unexplained Death, teeny super-detailed little dollhouse dioramas of real murder scenes used for testing forensics students.

(credit Lorie Shaull for Wikimedia)

By reading, I mostly mean staring wistfully at the book on my bedside table, but it's right up my alley and really good. Fic-wise, I'm between works at the moment, but I'm about to start The Greatest Game by @sleepstxtic, and after that I have my eye on a few from Reverse Big Bang.

Last song: I hardly listen to 'adult' music, because my house is always so full of noise that when the kids aren't around I really need silence. So it's probably some kids' shite like Frozen.

Last series: Slowly working my way through The Boys, and before that it was Better Call Saul, which I thought was an absolute masterpiece.

Last movie: Oh god, same as songs! I don't have the concentration span for films! Last thing I saw at the cinema was Top Gun: Maverick which was as pleasingly homoerotic as the original and has provided me and @sitp-recs with lots of hilarity😂

Currently working on: just dabbling, trying to claw my way out of writers' block by adding little paragraphs here and there to my Sudsfest, and also something random I might submit to next year's mpreg fest 🤷

Can I just say, like, if you want to do this please consider yourself tagged? No pressure!

#not drarry #random crap about me

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youwontlikethisblog · 2 years ago

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a vent about being a writer

I half expected last year, to have my book ready to publish by this year, you know, after finally accepting that it was something I was able to do.

The funny thing about commitment issues is that they don't just affect you when it comes to relationships or the lack of them. It's the paralyzing fear of saying you'll do something and failing at it and everything turning out wrong and horrible. I can't commit to anything in life. I've only ever committed to one thing in life and it's the one thing I don't regret at all, even then the pressure of failing is crushing.

I don't expect things to last a life time. I enjoy the ride while it's there and I'm fine whenever it ends. I'm crushed when things don't work out though. It reaffirms the believe that bad things always follow when you really want something to happen.

I want to publish my work because I worked hard on it and I want people to read it. I don't want to hear feedback or opinions about it. I don't want criticism or praise. I don't want it to be the best book published in modern history or it be the worst. I simply want to live in limbo. You know, a small cult following that never talks about it.

When I sent it to the first agent/editor a friend had recommended me to send to; they asked me what I wanted from the book and I told them the exact same thing. They told me they had read a bit from it and liked it, that for it to be my first manuscript and the first piece I wanted to publish, that it was impressive and that I knew the story and characters well and that it would be a hit with the the YA audiences because it spoke about topics that younger people should know about. My target is between YA and NA(New Adult). They were trying to sell me off on this book being the greatest thing, you know? To do public talks, readings, this whole thing and how it would be amazing...

To sell you the world...to buy the world, is very tempting, right?

I mean, think about it, what writer wouldn't jump on the opportunity to have an editor who has connections be their agent/editor and do it all with a family friendly discount while being your guide? That sounds like the promise land!

Yeah, talk about privilege!

Here I am, a person who dropped out of High School because my mental health was trash, I didn't get to go to college, I've basically taught myself all I know about writing and studied it on my own and my natural talent of writing is just an added bonus as to why I'm a writer. A writer who has no life plan, my closest friends are either married or moved to different cities/states to peruse their dreams and I stay at home, rotting away because I can't form connections, I can't work in a place without thinking of how filthy everything is and having a panic attack at the thought of talking to strangers, not understanding orders and feeling like an idiot, and most importantly, the fact that I'd have to commit to said work meaning I'd have to be there every day at a certain time, for a certain amount of time, maintain my cool and not have the option to leave whenever, show up whenever, and be committed to that is a little bit more than overwhelming; it's asphyxiating.

So you know whenever a person who's known you since you were a kid asks you "so what are you doing now Where do you work? What's your big life plan?" it's embarrassing to say that you're unemployed and are an aspiring artist, minus the fact you make no money out of that aspiration.

"I'm a writer." I say, with a smile, a palpitating chest, and a stomach tide in knots.

"Oh wow! That's so interesting, what kind of books do you write?"

"Oh you know..." I take a second to remember what I've written. "Books, about life, and such, I dabble in all kinds of genres."

"What books have you published?" They smile, excited to find a person who has done something new and exiting, outside of being a doctor, telling a person you're this artist who might have a promising future at being known by many, it's like telling them 'I'm a famous person in the making and you can say you knew me before the fame!'

"I haven't yet, but I'm working on it."

"What's the book about?"

and queue me forgetting everything I have ever written in the past decade, much less the manuscript my now fired and no longer talking to me, editor/agent, has in his possession, are erased out of my mind and I have no recollection of ever being a writer to begin with, "Uh...it's about a girl...who moves in with her best friend after running away from home because she was in the foster system for a year because her dad was a junkie, and then lived with her mom but her mom wasn't that great so she ran away and now she's living with her best friend and it's about that and the repercussions about a teen living the life of a young adult and how that affects her, plus she's in a band!" but instead of saying that it's more like me going off about a conspiracy theory. All the while my heart is in my throat and I fear them asking me more questions.

Usually the conversations ends with "Oh wow! That's very interesting, I could never write something like that. Let me know when you publish it so I can read it!" and then for the next couple of months they'll keep asking you if you're done and no! Linda! I haven't because I have this paralyzing fear that the book will be a success and people will want to know about me and the fear that I might think it'll be a success but it'll bomb because my dumb editor ghosted me! Which must mean that it's a horrible piece of literary work and it's so disgustingly boring and horrible they've decided to never ever speak to me to even let me know how bad it is!

And yeah, you are going to say that it happens. It takes longer to find an agent and editor than to actually publish the book, a lot of books get rejected, I should just do self-publishing.

Oh but to do that you must have a social media following, so people can expect your book and the word is out there. That way you launch isn't a complete flop.

How do I do that?

I suck at having conversations. I suck and selling. I suck at talking into a void called social media and writers on social media make it seem like you have to be the most engaging person ever and I wonder why can't it be like old times? Where I publish under a man's name and the man at the newspaper tells me that it won't have success but I tell him to pity me and that I'll pay him instead and if there's success he can start paying me...yeah...that's commitment too.

When you have commitment issues, you view the world as only commitment. You can't uncommit to things. Very few things are actually a gray area and I thrive in the gray.

I have a manuscript and I read it over and over again and each time I think it's mediocre, so horrible it would be an embarrassment to ever publish it but each time I'm done reading it; I believe it's the best literary work created in the modern age.

I know my character too well that if I wrote in a flowery, poetic, and grammatically correct way, it'd be a disservice and crime against the character and their story so I can't control that.

If I expose her I fear the hatred she'll receive. I created her when I was fifteen years old, I've watched her grow, evolve, change, and become who she is now... I don't want praise, I don't want opinions, criticism, negative or positive feedback, I simply want to release it into the wild and see what happens, but I also want it to have some sort of success and well it's a cycle...

I thought I'd publish my first book a year ago...I'm barely hanging onto a dream that I never wanted...life is an oxymoron and I can't seem to commit to the life path that if I publish that means I have to be a writer for the rest of my life...and If don't, I renounce the idea, the life, and the desire to be a writer and I get a "real" job where I have to deal with people...sometimes I really hate 18 year old me for not doing it but funnily enough, that's also where my commitment issues come to play.

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