#i'm just hyperanalyzing here because i am mentally broken

[beevean]

🤔

why does hector sit like dracula. why doesn't isaac too. surely they must have seen dracula in the throne room the same amount of times. surely dracula must have impacted the boys in the same way. right? hector, babyboy, why are you copying your lord and master years after betraying him. how deep does the influence go.

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

Realizing the meta of it all

My dad has came to the realization that his healthy position in my life is a figure to guide and support me, and pass on the best knowledge he has to handle this life thing to me, as he can. Hes doing a good job, he's struggling himself, but despite it hes doing perfect not letting me in on his personal life details because I'm not asking, unless its about his physical health like his teeth. What I'm getting at there is he isnt talking to me about his progression in therapy, or about him trying to do better; he's just doing better and showing me that.

My mom... I can't say she isnt doing her version of that too, but it hasn't met mine yet? Trying to be optimistic here. She doesn't know how to be a healthy mom, plain and simple. She MIGHT not know that her healthy position in my life is someone that will guide and support me, she also might know that and is so terrified of fucking it up, because she has for so long. I am her kid, if my emotions are genetic, learned from her, or fuck, both man! Like, it would make sense she has an immense fear of failure. And it comes out in odd ways because of being aware, but not knowing where to go from there

Gotta dial back on the hyperanalyzing my take of what my mom may think, that's not healthy. But dude... I need her to show me this is a talked about goal in therapy without her showing it, in short. My dad is in therapy, and hes being better for me; that's a healthy way to see and process my dad is being better for me and therapy is helping him finally heal and accomplish that with me.

My mom is in therapy, and I haven't been shown any proof she's being better for me, other than her NOT making me directly feel like shit, guilty, ragging on me, keeping the cycle of lovebombing, being cold or focused on anything but me and my words, and then blowing up, apologizing, lovebombing, so on. Shes broken that cycle from my perspective. But I dont even have clear proof that shes aware theres a cycle to be broken between us. We need family therapy, which shes asked for. So I think we have kept eachother at a standstill maybe with healing from that stuff, by not doing that, and not being on the same page while still trying to be in eachothers lives?

God it's so messy in here LMAO. I guess shes genuinely doing her best by mirroring me; never letting in on anything unless it's safe or presumed Safe. Maybe she thought she'd be cool to me for smoking before taking me into the dmv, instead of a mentally underdeveloped adult (I offered to smoke with her right after chill out man you can wait, I get if you're nervous but you should have found away around this already, I was bound to try to find a way to bond given you're TRYING, RIGHT???)

I don't get it man. Shit is so confusing, and I have to call her today to ask if she can so kindly drive 35 minutes to bring me christmas presents I left there, and then 35 back. Instead of me doing it, which I've been trying to for three weeks. I always am the one to drive to them, and I don't understand why she had to ghost me for three weeks plus, I'm typing this being ghosted, asking her is she could bring it here because "I've been having trouble finding a way to get to y'all to get my presents".

Maybe I need to update her? And just call her and with my voice ask "hey, I've been having issues trying to get to y'all for about three weeks now. When I first texted you we had just came down with the flu, right after my tooth just had let up on hurting almost fully (still a super super slight dull ache, it just hurts when I run or hang upside down type shit), and I couldn't come get it and risk getting them sick and cams mom sick using her car. So after we got better, I've literally been trying daily to either use the car early in the day on the weekend, ask cams dad to borrow his truck to be told no, ask cams mom if she can use Andrew's car for work so we can borrow hers on wednesday morning at this point, then we asked late in the day so now its Thursday that she said we can. Come Thursday morning we forgot to remind HER when weve already asked, so NOW we have to do it friday or hope to GOD she says yes to bringing it, AND Joan's worms (5 minute trip in and out, 10 max come ON you know? It's for your kids lizard that you consider to be like a fucking grandchild by how you talk about them you wouldnt be bothered to help with that on the way), and end this loop of hell for me????

And if she says she can't or makes a bs excuse, or in any way I get triggered from calling her and phrase shit defensively, I could then not only continue/turn that cycle wheel after years of both of us trying to end it, but not get to my goal or do anything effective, which is to ask for help; but lowkey I also will be listening for if she seems to actually care about looking out for me in her excuse and may get upset if she is in any way clearly, to me, making excuses or alluding to it being too much to help her kid out sometime in the next fucking 7 days idc but please try to show me you care I deserve a mom that cares don't I? Don't I?

And see, if I dont reign it in I have emotional flashbacks, because in my brain shes still saying all of those hurtful things she did in the past, throwing hairspray cans and hairbrushes at me, tackling me, ect, with her saying "no", to helping me.

And if she says yes, I just experienced all of these flashbacks, and get to hang out with my mom the next day! And try to be healthy for her in turn myself and remember it's for me but also not get mixed up and do too much for her in turn putting me out in the equation. Teehee!