#i'm just frustrated bc every time i start to get confident in my sexuality something happens to just like
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hi hello i hope this isn't weird but what do you love about The Great? I finally have hulu and im about to start watching it because of you fr like i dont go there but I WANNA GO THERE // @tickle-bugs
omg hi i love this question!! i'm gonna tell you my favorite and my least favorite aspects so u can make a genuinely informed decision lol!! i believe this is all vague enough to not give anything away but give you a genuine review of the show to help you decide to watch it!! i would LOVE if you watched it, i think if you wrote a fic for this in your gorgeous style, i would DIE bc...i just know you'd KILL IT but also 0 pressure, seriously.
my favorite things about the great are:
the characters are all incredibly well-written, well-rounded, and well-acted - especially elle fanning's portrayal of catherine
the humor is sort of dirty/low-hanging fruit but it genuinely always makes me laugh, every episode, someone will say/do something so absurd or hilarious that it cracks me up
the dynamics between all the characters are fascinating - it takes place in a country/time period where class/status, gender, etc. all are so important to your place in society, and yet, characters often have unlikely imbalances of power and different dynamics that you might not expect
the romance is so compelling, just about every romantic relationship has so many layers to it and plays into many different tropes: you have the doomed-by-the-narrative lovers, the childhood besties to star-crossed lovers, the enemies AND lovers simultaneously...just the romance and the sexual scenes are all so compelling and well-done, they clearly had a great intimacy coordinator on this or smth bc damn
THE COSTUMES ARE SO FUCKING STUNNING, like the costumes are indescribably beautiful and actually breath-taking. the dresses that all the main women wear are like actually perfect, i want to steal them all. elle fanning is so beautiful and they manage to make her look even more amazing, like her hair/makeup/outfits are just incredible, but everyone looks so good.
this show doesn't use "it was a different time period" to justify any lack of diversity - there are characters of all different races, multiple canonically queer characters, women are badass and well-written/represented, and while it does address issues like aspects of discrimination in russia during that time period, there is very little actual racism/homophobia in the show, like the characters who are black or queer do not suffer.
my least favorite things about the great are:
the historical inaccuracy is self-proclaimed, but gets a bit silly at times - catherine the great was so fascinating and well-documented in history, but they really just took a concept and ran with it without even trying to get anything right? there are little things like, the number/gender of siblings catherine had, but then the huge differences like how catherine rose to power and became empress. it makes a compelling story, but if you're a history buff, it can be frustrating!!
on that topic, it does gloss over a lot of the good that catherine the great did in real life as it gets caught up in the drama/comedy/romance of the show and forgets to show her as the genuinely accomplished woman she was.
this is a big one: it got cancelled. i haven't finished s3 yet, but i'm a few episodes in and i'm not confident that it is going to end on a fully satisfying note. if a show being cancelled is a turn-off for you, this one did just end and i'm still not sure if the ending is anti-climactic or not, lol.
lastly, this doesn't personally bother me, but it is extremely inappropiate. there is a lot of violence (not too much gore, everything is either very obviously fake, or not explicit), nudity/sex, and totally vulgar language. there is a lot of infidelity, implied/mentioned SA but no scenes that are violent or explicit, overuse of the word "cunt", etc. so just proceed with caution and consider looking up content warnings if you're wary!!
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Dude I fucking loved CH wth 🤭
I'm being so honest right now, you had me invested from the very beginning, there's something about the way you write your characters that make them feel like actual humans, and I loved every second of it
Starting with oc obviously, i was completely enamored by her, bc yeah she's an absolute baddie, she's good at her job, knows what she's doing, is loving, honest, smart, and so freaking pretty. But she also has some heavy ass baggage, is still learning how to navigate her way through life, puts her loved ones (found family) above anything else, which we know has its good and bad side, and is learning to love and honor herself in a more healthy way
The pain was real whenever the angst waves came around, seeing all the shit she had to put up with, and never prioritizing herself, but that only made me love even more those steps of growth, confidence, self respect, and accountability she kept on taking after every hardship. (I legit started tearing up at the part about owning her pleasure, and understanding that regardless of whoever her sexual partner was, the decisions, vulnerability and enjoyment are hers to own and live to the fullest).
Same thing with all the relationships in the story, from the Nishimuras bond, history, and fight to actually be left alone by that bitchass family, to each of the friendships, between the boys, with yn individually, and with tsuki 😭😭😭 I love them so much you have no idea, they're SO FUCKING ADORABLE, AND REAL, AND GOOD AND REASSURING TO EACH OTHER I CANNOTJDJDIW
Anyway yeah, those are the type of friends people need, their advice, company, humor, love, admiration, respect, protectiveness, and sincerity. I just thank for taking so much time into developing each of their dynamics, personalities and quirks
And how could I not, our main ship, my babies HoonYn and their entire fucking story, interactions, chemistry, and bond had me giggling, crying, punching the air, kicking my feet, and sobbing of frustration, pain, and pride all in the span of 5 hours (yes I read the entire series in one sitting, no I did not sleep at all, yes it was absolutely worth it)
Anyway, I feel like that's a whole lot of rambling and I'm barely making any sense -also I'm sleep deprived and English is not my first language, so I apologize for all the mistakes here-, but overall, I just wanted to congratulate and thank you for conveying so many struggles we have to get through in the daily, you didn't shy away from the mental health struggles, the flaws of the characters, the shittines of life itself, the absolute NEED for honest and understanding communication in ANY kind of relationship, and the inmense impact a friendship can have in our lives, as well as our own strength, determination.
I really don't know if this ended up making any sense, but yeah, thank you for your hard and amazing work, you're a great writer fr, please take care of yourself and have an awesome day <3 <3 <3 <3
🥺 asks like this with such detailed feedback is just..like an actual live letter you guys
thank you SO so so so much, i know i sound like a broke record at this point but there's just not enough words of gratitude could use to show you just how much i appreciate this and you. thank you for taking the time out of your day to send me this and for being so kind, sweet and enthusiastic about it.
asks like theye give me a glimpse of my work from your POV and it never fails to make me so excited and happy and just so so so excited, i hope you know this is everything to me. im so happy to know just how much you've enjoyed reading it and all the characters too so rhank yoj for all of this, i love you so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺🤍☁️💫
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I think the online culture of trauma as social currency is a really good way to dig directly into my delicate brainmeats and push the None Of Your Problems Are Real switch buuuuuuut I also don't have. a solution.
because a culture where having a say on issues is conditional on disclosing your shittiest experiences in a pithy way is to my mind self-evidently unhealthy as fuck BUT. it's also incredibly frustrating when people who Do Not Know What They're Talking About weigh in with total confidence.
and like it's good. to live in a culture where we're able to name and acknowledge traumas and disadvantagements and oppressive systems. and where we're able to recognise the importance of direct lived experience. but it's not good to be expected to play Who Has The Most Trauma every time you get in an argument with a stranger or ask for help or just like Exist Online. especially because a lot of this stuff, like disability or neurodivergence or experiences of abuse or trauma or systemic violence, can be really hard to discern in a wider culture that gaslights and normalises those experiences from birth.
like whether it's individual abuse or systemic oppression, experience of trauma is complicated and highly personal and difficult to describe, let alone summarise. and that doesn't mean it's not real or we shouldn't talk about it but the constant demand to complete with a list of umbrella experiences - I'm Literally A Bisexual Disabled Neurodivergent Survivor Of Sexual And Domestic Violence -
a) requires you to be quite far through the journey of naming those experiences (some are just factual - while unpicking the trauma and specific experiences you've had related to your identity and naming those is just as complex, many people can pretty confidently say 'I am [racialised category]' or 'I am a sex worker' or 'I am an amputee' and have that indicate something about what experiences and power dynamics are likely to come from that - but a lot, like naming trauma but also like disability, sexuality, gender, neurodiversity, race for many people, is a lot more fraught and tends to take a lot of work to claim)
b) opens you up to constant implicit or explicit questioning of your Trauma Cred. like the amount of times I've seen someone immediately start picking apart someone's claim about their own life because of an unrelated argument - you're faking mental illness, you're claiming the label of survivor and that's ALL you experienced???, you want us to believe you're experiencing ableism but you're practically able-bodied, you have opinions about queerness but you live in Seattle so how can you know anything about homophobia?
And again I do not. Have a solution bc people do take the piss sometimes but it is not GOOD to have this whole precedent set that people's lives experience is up for debate, or that the way to win an argument is to successfully one-up or debunk every trauma or oppression your opponent's ever experienced. like we can agree that's fundamentally fucked, right? the constant endless debateability of whether other people's pain is Valid Enough to win the Trauma Contest?
like I very very often fall prey to the temptation to Trauma Contest. I think most of us do bc you see someone talking confidently as if they're the authority and you know that their experience of that specific thing has been very marginal and shielded and yours hasn't and it feels like an appropriation of pain. and sometimes it Truly Fucking Is but I also think some of the reason people do sometimes claim ownership of the most edge-case experiences of trauma and marginalisation is because trauma is social currency. It should be a good thing if someone's not experienced abuse. ideally none of us would have.
but anyway yeah it's easy to do. I do it all the time and I am very good at deciding I've lost the Trauma Contest before anyone's even spoken which is why all my experiences feel fake bc in all areas I know so many people who've had much worse experiences. and experiences that are much more neatly encapsulated in familiar labels.
and I think it's important to be able to recognise your own privilege and that you are unlikely to have the Most Dramatically Awful Story Of Anyone In The World. and recognise the ways you're protected or have been lucky where others aren't and haven't. but it's also important to know that you don't have to CHOOSE whose pain is legitimate. someone can have been really hurt by something you'd shrug off and the hurt is real and the shrugging off is also real. someone can be really severely traumatised and marginalised and need to have that understood and respected AND their opinions or behaviour can still be total dogshit that you disagree with and have to set boundaries around.
#red said#I'm aware i talk about Trauma Stuff literally ALL THE TIME on here but that's bc i use this as a processing tool#the fact that you're all willing witnesses to my brainproblems is on you. you choose to follow me x#but i can only do that bc I'm not expecting our wanting it to inform how ppl treat me#i am very afraid of bringing it up in other contexts bc using it as social currency is really easy to fall into#and makes it immediately fair game for debate#and i cannot do that i can't it's not solid enough it's SO FRAGILE
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Hi I just want to ask something. Do you think Jungkook has been always like/love Jimin the way he is before or just when he started to glow up. I'm just asking this bc you know Jungkook has been always rank Jimin last on looks or said he look different without makeup before. I know he didn't meant harm to Jimin but do you think Jimin has been trying to look good and go on extreme diet to be loved by Jungkook or Jungkook has been always trying to hide his feelings for him but act tough
Huh?...
What an interesting question....
For a moment there I thought I had already discussed this in my blog posts? Chileee.
Now you'd have to specify which period in time you consider a glow up point for Jimin. Do you mean the period of 2014/15 when he was starving himself, passing out on stage and bleeding through his nose to stay anorexic? *Side eyeing you.
To me, Jimin's 'glow up' coincided with their debut in 2013. Those fine abs, sculpted muscles yet soft toned feminized features- sorry Jimin, you weren't fooling no one.
This was also the period I noticed JK showing overt signs of sexual and emotional attraction towards Jimin. Jimin just seemed oblivious to it. And he would begin his own whipped journey around 2015/16 in my opinion.
Personally, I believe JK fell first for Jimin and 'turned' him- turned for lack of a better word. I don't buy into this whole Jimin fell first JK fell harder rhetoric.
But I think JK's interest in Jimin began long before this period. I don't think Jk had fully grasped the concept of his own sexuality much less to have come to terms with it in any time before 2012- before Jimin arrived in Bangtan- ok maybe he had a vague idea of it, but I do believe Jimin was his sexual and romantic awakening.
Jk and Jimin have two very distinct and opposite idol personas. I keep saying this.
Since we don't know them in person, I think it's safe to assume every aspect of them we experience on screen is a persona.
That persona is a facade, a curated wall on which they project bits and pieces of their true self and often put up a performance of this identity for our consumption.
In Jk's persona, he likes to retract and conceal aspects of his true personality and censor himself a lot while JM likes to amplify and exaggerate his true personality and put up a performance of it.
As I've said, it's mainly due to their backgrounds. JK was given a lot of leeway in his upbringing which he feels puts him at a disadvantage because he ends up exposing himself too much. Thus he likes to retract and hold himself back.
Jimin coming from a conservative background with many rules and what not revels in the new found freedom Idol life gives him so often he doesn't hold back as much as JK does. But that doesn't mean that who they really are in real life.
So often you'd hear people say Jimin looks more serious in person than he does on camera while JK is said to be more expressive than he usually is on camera.
But here is the thing, concealing his feelings is not JK's nature it's his choice. And this is very important to note. He chooses not to do certain things on camera while Jimin chooses to do certain things on camera.
So when JK is not showing his feelings for Jimin it's not because he can't show those feelings, it's more like he doesn't want to show those feelings.
Thus when people say he wasn't showing his feelings for Jimin because he was shy I raise my brows- Shy my ass. Lol
Was he acting tough then? Hmmmm. He likes to act tough no two ways about that. I've said he has a good poker face between him and Jimin. If you are not careful you might think he doesn't like Jimin. But trust me, that man is whipped on god.
But I don't think that's what he was doing in those early dynamics.
I think he was hesitant in pursuing Jimin openly at the time because he wasn't sure about Jimin's sexual orientation much less whether or not Jimin reciprocated the feelings he had for him.
And you could tell not knowing these about Jimin terrified JK a lot, hence his hesitation.
But later when he was certain of both he became more confident in the way he expressed himself and his feelings for Jimin.
Prior to this you could see him fishing and testing the waters with Jimin, slowly pushing Jimin's boundaries- a gentle touch here, a lingering stare there.
He would often pay attention to the things Jimin would say but especially about his romantic and sexual preferences. Like when Tae said he felt Jimin liked men and when Jimin was asked about why he liked JK and JK seemed like he wanted to know.
Then he went through that phase where he seemed obsessed with Jimin's reaction to when other guys sexualised him and expressed interest in him. He seemed very attentive to these little details in a way that seemed to me as if he was fishing for confirmation that Jimin actually liked men and liked him- in a nonplatonic manner.
I feel Jimin noticed these things too in JK but was mostly fascinated by it. So often he would go out of his way to express his sexuality, exaggerate it and perform it as if to let JK know he was ok with JK liking him in that kind of way. Often, you'd see him egging JK on to touch him where JK seemed hesitant, reassuring JK- I think y'all know the bit I'm talking about. I feel JM wanted JK to feel comfortable expressing his interest in him- he ain't slick.
I've said Jimin's persona is a performance. I can see how to JK that could be very confusing. Hell, half of the fandom still read Jimin wrong to this day. Is he gay, bi, straight, a woman, a man, bigender- it's a lot of questions. Legitimate questions.
And I think for JK, seeing Jimin behave like the rest of BTS with the skinship towards him was equally confusing. So often he would shy away from it. Jk was going through puberty, everything was heightened for him.
It's also important to consider the possibility that, if JK was LGBTQ plus that he was going to hide it and not come out to his bandmates for as long as he worked with them- because it's none of their business first and foremost but also because it would have affected their attitudes towards him.
I mean look at the fear and panic with which they greet Jikook when Jikook breath anywhere near eachother in public spaces- not to call them out or anything but I don't think if they were straight that they were going to treat them same. I mean Taejin is as wild as Jikook but.... sigh.
So then going on to catch feelings for one of such said band mates who gives off queer vibes, he had better be sure about him before coming out to him and confessing to him lest he risked his career and friendship with him.
If Jimin wasn't LGBTQ plus it would have been cruel of him to act the way he does with JK honestly. For instance Joking about marriage knowing full well the fight LGBTG plus couple have to put up to have this basic human right- of course JK would yeet himself out of that conversation. I'm talking about that Jikook Vlive and all the time JK has squeezed his face disgruntledly when Jimin has asked him to have his kids- like why Jimin!
Jimin I feel because he is Bi whatever doesn't take this gay business seriously at all. If you've ever dated a bisexual you'd know the feeling. He is my bias and I love him but God he frustrates me for Jk honestly.
What annoys me most is I know how deep he is into JK. Like I've never seen a man so in love with another man in my entire queer life! Like shut up whippidy whipped ass we saw your face at Manila. You like that man. You like him.
Let JK put up a front and you'll see this tactless homegirl descending into that space we all hate so much and embarrassing himself left right left clinging on to JK seeking validation and reassurance- like can you be serious in your life for once Park Jimin. 😒
Anywho, I went off on a tangent there. Sorry.
But yes, this is another aspect of their dynamic I feel most people get twisted. Jimin enjoys JK's expressions of interest in him- however way he does it. Jk enjoys it too when Jimin shows him he wants him. Remember magic shop? Show me, I'll show you? And that line JK sang to Jimin that made Jimin nervous on Live with VMin? Yea...
They love each other and they love when the other is showing and expressing their love. Hell, isn't that why they are constantly trying to find creative ways to communicate their love? 5/8, love letters punctuated with sorries? Chileee.
Could Jimin's look be a contributing factor to JK liking him? Let me put it this way. People are attracted to people for a plethora of reasons, physical appearance being one of them.
Looks attract people, emotional connection binds them and make them stay. I have said this time and again JK is attracted to all of Jimin-looks, everything. When asked which part of of Jimin he liked most he put all of Jimin as the answer.
With regards to JM's weight, I think the tears he shed on stage during the performance of I Need You says it all. Jimin was killing himself and it was killing JK. Jimin wasn't doing all that out of self love much less for the love of JK.
He was doing all that because he wanted to be an Idol in every sense of the word. He was killing himself for his career. A career JK was once willing to walk away from and JM advised him to stay.
Jk defies the dictates of his career with the piercings and tattoos and gay pubs- the emphasis is mine. Y'all think he is about to be demanding of his life partner to look like what now? Chileee.
And when JK was starving himself and losing weight who was it that brought him down that ledge? Jimin. If it was a positive thing I thing he would have encouraged him.
Jk allegedly called Jimin his Mochi in that infamous graduation night track video. Did you see his reaction to when James Corden called Jimin Mochi? Baby fat cheeked Jimin was cute not ugly. And even if you think he was, JK still found that attractive. Jimin could be looking like my Aunt Becky and Jk would still fuck him.
Have you seen JK freeze frame to take snapshot photos of Jimin? It's almost always pictures of Jimin looking like the wicked witch of the west. He loves him some park Jimin memes. Loves that man to death.
How many times have he said Jimin looks beautiful without makeup? Remember the Vlive Jimin didn't want to be on camera because he didn't have makeup on? What did JK say?
Jk isn't a shallow person you know. He really isn't. He doesn't strike me as the kind at all. Questions like these presupposes that JK is a vain shallow person who only likes people for their looks. Don't get me wrong, it's a valid question, one that I'm happy to discuss but it also exposes the biases against JK and indirectly, Jimin.
Do you feel JK is shallow? I find a lot of people do and it breaks my heart.
Have you heard any of his songs? His GCFs?
He barely idolizes his subject matter's looks and appearances. You gave me the best of you, so I'll give you the best of me. What I found in you is real. That's doesn't sound shallow to me.
They work in a highly competitive and highly vainglorious environment. I think they know more than anything the dangers of vanity- it's fleeting. They put themselves through so much to appease the vanity matrics, to subject people they love through the same.
I've talked about how because JM comes from a demanding home and work environment that acceptance is one key aspect of his love language. He wants a person who loves him for who he is and accepts him without placing expectations on him.
If JK was this shallow JM wouldn't honestly have found him attractive much less love him to begin with. He wouldn't have found fulfillment and nourishment from JK. He loves JK because JK's values and upbringing makes him the perfect person for him to trust himself fully to.
Besides, for JK to be only attracted to JM because he glowed up, he himself must have been a ten from the onset which he wasn't let's be honest- no shade to him but he wasn't exactly packing now was he?
BTS are pretty but they've all undergone hefty transformations throughout the years, magic foreheads and all. So if you wonder if Jimin's glow up contributes to JK liking him, then you'd have to wonder if Jk glowing up also contributed to Jimin finding him attractive- it's a vicious cycle.
As for JK ranking Jimin last... did he ever rank himself first? No. He ranked Jimin last and himself second to last consistently. If he found Jimin unattractive he certainly found himself as equally unattractive only one step above Jimin.
I honestly think he was just teasing Jimin. He loves teasing Jimin because it's how he flirts with him. It's just the masculine energy in him I guess. V does this too when he flirts with Jimin. He teases him about his pinky, his Mochi cheeks and his glow up- Iland anyone?
Why y'all think JK looked away sharp when JM dropped to the floor?? He recognized what V was doing- don't mind me. I'm trolling. Lol. But deadass.
Jimin teases JK too by acting like he is available most times. It's the feminine energy in him. Girls like to tease their crush by amplifying their sex appeal. What better way to amp up your sex appeal than by having other people show interest in you? Jimin is a tease. Bless him.
Besides, when JK ranked Jimin first in looks he ranked himself last. I hope y'all don't think it's because he has low self esteem?
He ranked himself and Jimin last because he wanted to humble himself and by extension Jimin because he sees himself as Jimin's equal and as such recognizes their place as the youngest within the group. As he has explained, as the youngest, he places everyone else above him.
I honestly don't think Jungkook had always been interested in Jimin. But somewhere along the line while he came to terms with his own sexuality he began developing feelings for Jimin. His glow up had nothing to do with it. In my opinion.
I think Jimin caught him off guard? It's that red string serendipity destiny voodoo working its magic that orchestrating their love. In my opinion.
I don't think either of Jikook went searching for this love thingy either as I keep saying. It wasn't planned, it wasn't foreseen, it just happened to both of them but at a different pace.
I hope this helps?
Signed,
GOLDY
#jikook#jikook theories#kookmin analysis#kookmin#kookmintheories#jikook analysis#jikook scenarios#jikooktheories#Ask response#ask goldy#GOLDY#nightswithkookmin
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uuuh
#hi i hate things rn???? i'm sad and angry at stuff idk not at peiple tho#i'm just frustrated bc every time i start to get confident in my sexuality something happens to just like#kick me in the fucking pants and fucj me up again?????#today's shitty media thing is: youtube banning anything remotely lgbt bc apparently we gotta be censored#so uh fuck u utube#im just rlly mad ugh
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I'm not sure if this ask is good enough but maybe a scenario about Bad Boy!Oikawa and a person he's so interested in, but his charms don't work on them, they're oblivious, and they always seem unimpressed (they secretly like him back but do a great job hiding it from him). Sexual tension would be great but you can avoid NSFW if you want! I picked Oikawa bc I thought it'd be interesting to see him chasing someone so hard, feel free to swap characters if you want! Thanks ❤︎
Holy moly this ended up WAY longer than I planned and awhole lot more serious without much NSFW or even sexual tension but hope you enjoy it nonetheless!
She remembers him from high school, he can tell by the lookof shock on her face. He can’t really blame her though. Anyone from those dayswould be surprised to see Oikawa Tooru, former pretty boy of the Abojosaivolleyball team, sporting an arm sleeve tattoo, a lip piercing and wearingripped jeans.
Pushing away from the wall, he approaches, stride steady, aconfident smirk on his face. But just before he meets her eyes again, a girlinterjects herself between them. Tooru’s former tendency to indulge his fansexerts itself immediately, old habits do die hard, and by the time he’s donewith her the object of his initial focus is gone.
Clicking his tongue, Oikawa shifts his gaze over the crowdedfrat house. There’s people everywhere, the semester kickoff party in high gear.Finally, he spots her on the dance floor and goodness can she move that body!She’s grinding up on some dude who looks about ready to cum in his pants.Oikawa is openly staring at her, willing her to make eye contact but she’seither completely oblivious or completely uninterested because she never onceloses her focus on her dance partner.
And Oikawa decides right then he wants that attention onhim. Sure, he’s always been a bit of an attention whore, but who could blamehim coming from the environment he did back in high school? Other than Iwaizumiof course.
His eyes stay riveted on her, still moving fluidly, sexily,and fuck now he’s got a tent in his pants just from watching her! Then again,it’s been a while since Oikawa has had any action of the bedroom variety. Justbecause his team is rough and tough doesn’t mean they don’t work hard.
Terushima makes certain of it.
Oikawa laughs a bit to himself thinking back on their first officialmeeting. He’d only ever seen the guy at tournaments, his team loud and flashy,but horribly erratic. Then something happened that shifted his focus and inaddition to having fun, he got smarter. His whole team got smarter.
And now he’s Oikawa’s captain.
Shaking his head, Oikawa zeroes back in on her. She’s stilldancing, smiling with sultry eyes and moving her hips just so.
She can feel his gaze on her, its intensity rippling overher skin like electricity but she remains focused. He’s not going to havethings go his way, not tonight. Because she’s in control and he’ll just have todeal with it. The song ends and she leans up, pecking her dance partner quicklyon the cheek. He goes to make a move but she shies away, giggling, “Thatwas fun, thanks for the dance,” then she’s absorbed into the crowd but notwithout stealing a glance at Oikawa only to find him still looking right ather.
Damn. Well, she almost made it without giving him a piece ofthe attention he craved.
And it’s only wet his appetite for more.
The next day Oikawa is still thinking about her, her sultrysmile, her bedroom eyes. With a self-deprecating laugh, he realizes he has acrush! An honest to goodness crush. He can’t remember the last time this hashappened, where his attention was so fully fixed on anything besidesvolleyball. Practice over, he makes his way back to his dorm only to see hersitting beneath a tree reading, her eyes narrowed in concentration at the textbefore her. Calling up his best smile, Oikawa saunters towards her, onlyspeaking once he’s right in front of her seated position. “You know, you’re toopretty to be frowning, you look much better dancing.”
His voice startles her and he can’t stand how cute she lookshuddled in an oversized sweater, leggings and boots. Is this really the samegirl he saw last night? It’s the perfect fall look, her hair blowing in thesudden breeze that’s kicked up. A subtle shiver overtakes her body and heshrugs off his jacket. “Here,” he offers draping it over her shoulders.
Warmth spreads over her body and it’s not just from theplacement of his jacket. Oikawa is looking at her with complete focus. She’doften wondered what it would be like to have his gaze turned upon her and now,looking at it, she’s both enamored and afraid. How could a high school crushlast this long? Or did it just flare upquickly at the sight of him, a knee jerk reaction to Oikawa’s presence? Sherealizes she should be speaking, should be saying thank you not only for thejacket but the compliment paid her earlier but the words won’t come.
He really doesn’t remember her.
Oikawa tilts his head, a little confused as to why she stillhasn’t said anything when she suddenly shoots to a standing position. Swiftlyshe removes the jacket, handing it back to him. “Thank you, Oikawa-san, but Iwas just leaving. Have a good evening,” she says a bit rushed, hurrying away.
“Oi, dancer-chan!” he calls, easily catching up to andstanding in front of her. “I’m at a disadvantage here, you know my name but Idon’t know yours?”
Her eyes are on the ground, unwilling to meet his and he wonderswhat he did to offend her. When she finally looks up, he flinches; her eyes areso hard. “If my name didn’t matter to you then, why does it matter to you now?”
“Eh?”
“Never mind, I…I have to go.” She brushes past him, willingher legs to go faster. Why did she think it was a good idea to bait him at theparty? Because she didn’t really think he’d do anything, that’s why. She justwanted to frustrate him a little, but the fact that he stared at her the entiretime and now approached her yet again is doing uncomfortable things to herheart. It was stupid, she’s not this person! She isn’t someone who toys withother people! And why oh why does she even wantOikawa? He’d be nothing but trouble, even more so now that it appears hejoined a gang or something.
“You barely know her, in fact, you don’t know her at all so why are you making such a big deal out ofthis?” Iwaizumi yawns through his question, eyes closing as he lays on his bed,phone to his ear. Even when separated by hundreds of miles, Oikawa somehowfinds ways to annoy him. Like calling at one in the morning to lament about howa girl he has a crush on won’t even look at him, much less talk to him. “Lookslike you don’t always get what youwant, Trashy-kawa,” he adds with a snort.
“Shut up, Iwa-chan! You’re supposed to support me, not kickme while I’m down!”
“Stop whining, you’re giving me a headache,” grumbles hisformer ace.
Silence fills the line before Oikawa takes a deep breath.“I…I don’t know why completely. And,” he adds quickly before Iwaizumi can shootanother barb, “despite what you think it isn’tbecause she’s playing hard to get. More like impossible to get but whatever,”he mumbles making his best friend chuckle. “The point is,” he goes on with asigh, “I…I really want to get to know her but she won’t even give me a chance!”
“Oikawa, are you just pestering her? I mean, I know youthink you’re a bad ass now because you have ink and a piercing but you’re thesame alien obsessed, volleyball idiot you were in high school, the dressing’sjust different.”
“You know, sometimes I really wonder why I call you my bestfriend,” Oikawa grumbles.
“I wonder that too, but the point still stands. Why the helldid you do that shit in the first place anyway?”
Oikawa grits his teeth. How had the conversation shiftedfrom him getting advice (so embarrassing)on how to get a girl to go on at least one date with him, to Iwa-chancriticizing his choices? “Would you please stop acting like my freaking motherand just help me out here?” he grunts.
“Fine, what haveyou done?”
“I left her a couple notes, one at her job at the on-campusbookstore and one at her dorm when I found out where she lives. You know, just,“hey I’d like to get to know you, text me and we’ll make plans”. But she neverresponds. I offer to walk to her to class but she says no. I even tried to joina study group with her but she dropped out the next day. I just…I don’t know whyshe hates me!”
Iwaizumi sits up, rubbing his eyes; there’s no way he’s gettingto sleep anytime soon. “Tooru,” he says and he can hear his friend sit up straighter,“Have you considered the possibility that your advances, instead of beingwelcomed, are putting her on edge? You said she’s changed since you first sawher, what do you mean by that?”
“Um, well, the first time, like I told you, was at a party.She was dancing and, just, wow Iwa-chan, she was so hot! Like, my jeans were tight enough as it is but then she startedmoving those hips and-“
“TMI! Focus on the question, Shittykawa!”
“Sorry, sorry! Ok, so the second time and really every timesince then, she’s been very reserved. Like, she wears these adorably oversizedsweaters that flood past her knees with leggings and ankle boots and her hairis always a little messy cause it’s so damn windy around here this time ofyear. Oh! And she has this cute little pout when she’s really concentrating onsomething and taps her pencil when she’s thinking and-“
“You realize you sound more or less like a stalker, right?”Iwaizumi cuts in but his tone is gentler. He’s very aware now of just how muchthis girl has managed to get under Oikawa’s skin. Part of him hopes somethingdoes work out between the two of them simply so he could meet her one day andshake her hand. A girl who got the indominable Oikawa Tooru to sound like a love-sickpuppy? This was one for the books.
“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa whines, “was there a point to thatquestion?”
“Oh right. Well, maybe the reason she isn’t responding isself-preservation.”
“What?! It’s not like I’m gonna hurt her or anything-“
“Oi! You and girls don’t have a good track record Oikawa!You can whine about it all you want, but it’s still the truth! If she knows youfrom high school, which it’s clear she does, your reputation is already set!And it sounds like you should know her if she was that upset you didn’trecognize her. Which is also not surprising since you always had your headstuck on volleyball!” Iwaizumi takes in a breath, knowing his words are going to hurt his friend but he needs to hear them and it always seems to fall on his shoulders to tell him hard truths. “And look at you! You’re projecting this “bad boy” imagethat is totally not who you are! But if she thinks it is, how could she not beleery? She probably thinks you’re just toying with her! Or maybe someone placed a bet! Unfair as it is, Tooru, people do cast judgement based on appearances and pastbehavior and both of yours are not doing you any favors.”
Oikawa inhales deeply, pain radiating through his chest. “Is…isthat what you really think of me, Iwa-chan?”
Iwaizumi groans, flopping onto his back. “No, because I know your crazy ass too well. I’mtelling you all this from the perspective of someone who doesn’t know you. Just, shit,” he rolls to his side, unsure exactlyhow to even help his friend, “if she doesn’t want to talk to you, maybe stop pushingthe issue? Give her some space to breathe.”
“I have! I don’t try this shit every day you know!”
“Then stop trying all together! Clearly it isn’t working sowhy continue to torture yourself like this? And for what? A girl you don’t evenknow?” Iwaizumi is at the end of his rope, tired of the circular formation ofthis conversation.
Oikawa sits silent in the dark of his dorm, but he nods. “You’reright, Iwa-chan. I…I just need to stop,” he finally agrees.
“Good. Ok, now, let me get some sleep asshole.”
Oikawa can’t help chuckling but before he says goodbye,Iwaizumi adds, “And I really am sorry.”
It’s been weeks since she last heard from Oikawa, hisdisappearance just as sudden as his appearance in her life. And though sheknows it’s the product of her own making, she can’t help feeling a bitdisappointed. Every time she believed she’d have the courage to reciprocate insome fashion, she lost her nerve, resulting in cold shoulders and brusque pushoffs of his advances. Really, she’s surprised he tried as many times as he did.
“I have no idea what’s wrong with you,” her roommate hadsnapped one day after she witnessed her friend practically running away fromOikawa,” he’s ridiculously hot and so into you, it’s a little sad. Why won’tyou go out with him?”
“I…it’s just, complicated, ok?”
“You’re just chicken shit. High school is already a lifetimeaway!”
“Maybe for you but it’s still raw for me!”
Her outburst had ended the conversation never to be brought upagain.
And now here she is, the setting almost an exact copy of thefirst time they’d seen each other. A party, a sorority one this time, that she’sbeen drug to by overstressed and overtly horny friends looking for a cheap buzzand a one-night stand. And there heis, leaning against the wall, but now, instead of torn jeans and a t-shirt,Oikawa’s sporting a button down with sleeves rolled to his elbows, black slacksand shined shoes. The contrast of his “preppy” look coupled with the ink stilladorning his arm and the ring in his lip invariably makes him even moreattractive, a fact proven true by the swarm of girls around him. To his right,she sees who she now knows to be his captain from the volleyball team, dressedsimilarly but rougher around the edges, opting for dark wash denim jeans, tightwhite t-shirt and a black button-down vest.
It really should be illegal to look so good.
“Ok everyone!” the house mother calls out. “Gather round, it’stime to draw for…7 minutes in heaven!”
A resounding cheer from the girls goes up while the malesall smirk and chuckle, elbowing one another in gleeful anticipation.
Swallowing the remaining contents of her Solo cup, she triesto head to the exit but her friend grabs her wrist. “Nope, you’re gonna getsomething tonight, even if it’s just kissing.” Protests fall on deaf ears, herhand shoved in the fish bowl drawing out a number.
“Alright, ladies and gents,” the house mother calls againonce the bowl is empty, “first up, number 12!”
Terushima pushes off from the wall, his movement pulling outsmall appreciative gasps from the surrounding crowd of females and one of them,a red head with cat-eye glasses, sashays up to him. He grins, taking her handand giving it a peck. “Shall we?” he asks gesturing to the hall closet. At hereager nod, he pulls her in, winking at the spectators before slamming the door.
A faint moan is heard from inside followed by a ripple ofteasing taunts and catcalls being thrown at the door. Seven minutes pass andthe door is opened to reveal a thoroughly disheveled girl stumbling out whileTerushima looks smug. “Oh my god, that tongue ring,” she murmurs to her friendswho giggle.
“Next up, number 9!”
When Oikawa steps away from the wall, a collective squealerupts only to be dulled to disappointed murmurs when each girl realizes they aren’this partner. Looking around, Oikawa searches for the girl he’ll have to put upwith for…no way. And there, blushing so brightly she looks sunburned, is thegirl who’s plagued his mind, both conscious and unconscious.
Smirking, he grabs her hand. “Can’t run away now,dancer-chan,” he whispers pulling her in and shutting the door.
Her breathing is rapid, breath fanning his chest and neckand he can feel her shaking under his fingers. He’s not sure if it’s the dark,the booze or both but Oikawa lets down his mask. “You don’t have to you know?Or…I mean, you could just pretend I’m someone else, if that helps.”
Her eyes shoot to his face. His voice is so dejected she can’tstop herself from whispering, “I…I don’t want it to be anyone else.”
That gets hisattention in a hurry. Grasping her shoulders, he murmurs, “What do you mean?”
“I…I want it to be you, Oikawa-san.”
“Time’s running out, are you still alive?” a muffled voicecalls but Oikawa ignores it. Ignores everything except the girl in front ofhim.
“Explain to me one thing then, dancer-chan,” he says,fingers toying with her hair, “if that’s true…why have you been avoiding methis whole time?”
He can feel her trembling, the cords in her neckconstricting as she swallows nerves and steels herself. “I was…am…afraid ofletting myself really believe you wanted me. I mean, in high school-“
“Yeah,” he interjects, leaning his forearm above her head,face inches from hers. She can feel his breath upon her face, minty of coursebecause Oikawa Tooru is always prepared, “what was that whole deal the secondtime I saw you?”
Her eyes close despite the darkness still hiding her face. “Itried to…to confess to you in high school. It was your third year, just beforethe tournament.” She feels him flinch, memories of that loss still obviouslyraw. She presses on quickly, “I brought you a bento box and some cookies andleft them in your locker with a note. But…you never responded, not even to tellme no. I waited for you by the school gates like a fool and you never came.”
Oikawa stares hard at her face, his eyes having finallyadjusted to the dark. He has no recollection of her at all other than a visagein a sea of faces continually vying for his attention. After a while it’sdifficult to determine one from another. But he remembers those presents.
“There was no note, dancer-chan. And even with as busy as Iwas, I would not have just left you there. I may have a reputation for being anasshole but I wouldn’t have done something so cruel,” he says lowly in her ear.
“Wha…what? I was sure…I know I put the note with it!”
He shrugs. “That may be true. Maybe it fell somewhere in mylocker or out of it when I picked up the gift. I remember it, clearly. I rememberlooking around for someone watching me receive it but there was no one so Ijust took it to be from a secret admirer or one of my fans and moved on.” Hetouches her cheek gently, “Will you let me thank you for it now?”
Unable to find her voice, she nods. It’s all the opening Oikawaneeds, swooping down to seal his lips over hers, the taste of cherry coke and badvodka lingering. He licks into her mouth, her own flavor much, much sweeter makinghim moan rather loudly. Her fingers clutch his shirt, knees going weak underthe ministrations of his tongue and the feel of his lip ring grazing hersensitive flesh prompting Oikawa to draw his arm around her, pulling her to hischest.
“Tell me your name,” he rasps.
“________,” she whimpers, lost in the feel of his touchagainst the soft skin on her back.
Before time’s up, he hoists her around his waist, throwingopen the door to the shock and awe of those waiting for their turn. Lockingeyes with Terushima, Oikawa asks, “Guest room?”
His captain grins widely. “Up the stairs, turn right, thirddoor on the left.”
Ignoring everyone and everything around him, Oikawa surgesup the stairs.
“What are you doing?” she gasps.
His eyes shift to hers, gleaming with a predatory glow. “WhatI plan on doing to you will take much, muchlonger than seven minutes.”
I know Terushima is ayear behind Oikawa but since this is AU anyway we’ll just pretend they were inthe same grade since I find the idea of Terushima as Oikawa’s captainhilarious.
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