#i'm just fascinated by how similarly repressed he is to leo but in such a different way

[xserpx]

He was working up a new story. Something to really gild his reputation. A nobleman’s wife, this time. Lady something or other. Probably better not to think up a name, that could get him in trouble later. I’ll take it to my grave and all that. Mysterious older woman. Terribly wealthy. Frisson of danger. Husband couldn’t get it hard any more. They’d swallow it whole. Antaup, you dog! How do you do it? Easy when you made it up. And a lot more fun than having to actually persuade women to take you to bed. He’d no patience with women at all.

— The Trouble With Peace by Joe Abercrombie

He wished Jurand and Glaward were there. He’d always known what they were. Nothing to be proud of but they were good men still. Leo could be so bloody stubborn. Once he had an idea in his head, there was no shaking it free.

Having feelings about aroace!Antaup again and how much I just adore (x the power of 1000 suns) his borderline misanthropy. He's so calculating, but also blasé and half-assed, there's no guilt or angsting about his inability to actually sleep with women, as if it's completely normal to make this shit up. And granted, it's largely boys being boys boasting about their make-believe conquests, and action =/= attraction, but there's none of the insecurity or guilt I would associate with someone who feels like they're actually incapable of getting a woman. Antaup fully believes he could, he just doesn't want to. At the same time, there is the fact he lies to his friends constantly, a running theme for Leo's group, who are so close-knit and yet are too afraid of being judged to actually talk.

From an ace perspective, I strongly feel that Antaup has just grown up with the ace mindset that everyone pretends to have crushes. There's so much distance between him and the reality of sex, so it's purely a kind of game to him; a mental exercise.

And the way that he feels Jurand & Glaward being gay is "nothing to be proud of", yes, it's homophobic, Antaup is no ally, which again is part of that "best friends who aren't actually best friends" issue, and hints at misanthropy. But I also get a sense of allophobia, like why do these allos have to make life hard for themselves? Why does Leo care so much? Antaup knows about Jurand & Glaward but he doesn't cotton on to Leo's feelings, for him it should be easy for Leo to put aside the homophobia and focus on what's important. Romance getting in the way of pragmatic decisions doesn't make sense to him at all.

I wish there was more ace rep that was this curmudgeonly and exudes "too ace for this". Antaup has learned to fit in in a way that stops people asking questions, where he has control of the sex talk and can enjoy the game whilst not having to deal with the reality... At least until the reality deals with him. 😔