#i'm just complaining this is not a request for sign language learning resources that would be helpful to me (i can guarantee they wouldn't)

[technoxenoholic]

i really wish i could learn sign language, but my brain just does not fully process the way hands and arms and faces move in three-dimensional space. i cannot figure out how to interpret meaning from complex gestures, nor even necessarily what the whole complex gesture is. i can't distinguish between similar physical gestures if they're done even a little bit quickly.

and to add insult to injury, my own ability to reliably move in consistent ways is not the best since i'm hypermobile and lack proprioception, so learning the motions to even speak to others would be extremely difficult without someone literally, physically guiding me through it... which doesn't work even if i found a non-online place to learn (virtually impossible) because i'm touch-averse and it would be completely miserable and i know i wouldn't be able to tolerate that.

it would be such a useful skill to have, especially since i have audio processing issues as well, but it just doesn't work with my entire dysfunctional nervous system :(

[jackdaddy-c]

A Toxic Exchange

The hardest part of writing this has been trying to figure out what led me to the third (and the worst) language exchange I've ever had.

When did it start to take a turn for the worse? How much of it was my fault? How much of it was them? When should I have ended it? Why did I allow it to get to that point?

And in all honesty, there is no absolute right or wrong here. There is no villain in this story, although had you asked me a few months back I definitely would have said otherwise.

"They were crazy!" "Something was wrong with them!" "I just couldn't deal with it anymore."

And ultimately, my desire to try to help someone who was dealing with something internally is why I ended up putting myself through a lot of mental stress and anxiety. I kept telling myself, "This person needs my help. I should just be more patient."

But now that I think it about very carefully, there were some issues that became very apparent in the beginning of our language exchange. Things that I know rubbed me the wrong way.

And I ignored them because "maybe it's a cultural misunderstanding," "maybe both of our levels are too low and we misinterpret things" "maybe they're having a bad day," "maybe I'm having a bad day," etc., etc., etc.

They complained a lot. They had every excuse for why they couldn't do something. They were discouraging and messaged me so frequently that it began to get on my nerves.

I couldn't just ignore them because when I did they would come off as cold or get upset. So I felt pressured to have to respond to them every time.

They were culturally ignorant, which is funny because after pointing that out in the beginning, it used as an excuse in the end.

I allowed them to have too much access to me outside of the app we were using, so I began to feel bothered by this person on a regular basis. We had disagreements on a regular basis and I began to despise ever interacting with them.

I started asking myself why it was that I always felt like I had to apologize. Why did I always feel like I was on the defensive with this person. It started feeling more like a competition to prove who knew more, "I'm right, you're wrong," and who was smarter than who rather than a simple exchanging of language and culture.

I was reaching my breaking point, and yet, I felt like I just needed to be more understanding.

What I needed was to recognize this person was set in their ways. They were not going to change. They don't even see that they have a problem.

As time went on, they eventually revealed they had lost exchange partners in the past (probably for all the same things I was dealing with.)

The final straw: they hit me up on WhatsApp (this person wrote me almost every day. Either on WhatsApp, Twitter, or the language app,) and I finally decided to just tell them I needed space.

This led to ANOTHER blow after we just had a argument a few days prior...

And that was when I had enough...

And it got ugly after that...spilling back onto the app where all this mess originally began. I started to go back and forth, but decided to let them have the last word instead.

It just wasn't worth it...

What angered me most was that they didn't want to take responsibility for anything. This person walked away thinking I was the problem... in actuality they were partly to blame.

I say partly because I knew I should've walked away sooner. Instead I kept engaging with a person I didn't like, draining all my energy and patience for FOUR MONTHS...

...because I wanted to be a nice person. Nice people help others. Nice people are patient, kind, and empathetic.

Yes... They were afraid, as are most beginners. In some ways, they reminded me of myself...

But they were also full of it. And until a person is ready to take that step forward and challenge themselves, you'll never be able to help them. They will always tell you why they can't practice, why they can't find other people to talk to, why they can't study...

The list goes on and on.

So I'm writing this to encourage someone else to walk away. Walk away from toxic people who bring you stress in your life, who steal your joy, who cause you to have anxiety.

I've had to drop toxic friends, toxic family members, jobs...

And now I'm realizing that it's the same in the language community as well.

You are not obligated to devote your time, your resources, your LIFE to anyone. You do not have to respond to every message or accept every request you receive.

Do I feel like a jerk sometimes when I leave those 1 word messages in my inbox or ignore requests? Yeah, I do because I myself know how it feels to be ignored. To scream at the top of your lungs and still be muted.

So I know and understand the feeling quite well.

But my peace of mind is more important. My mental health is more important. My joy and happiness is more important.

And so is yours.

So if you have found yourself in a situation where you fight with your language partner more than you get along, or if they constantly have an excuse for their poor and/or offensive behavior, RUN.

You may have committed to help them, but you do not have to commit to an unhealthy and stressful situation.

I've learned to set boundaries and I'm taking time to figure out what I want in a language exchange. To not compromise for anyone and to get out of there at the first sign of trouble.

Don't. Ignore. Red. Flags.

When I finally dropped that language partner, the next day my body felt super relaxed. As though I had been carrying a huge weight while running for days on end. I spotted a few more silvers in my hair. It was quiet and no one was messaging me. I was at home all to myself.

And you know what? It was first time I felt at peace in months and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Just remember: it's okay to say no. And when you say it, MEAN IT.